Part 38

Beka's POV

I was now on my way to Dylan's quarters to take care of him. I hoped he'd be all right and that things would go back to the way they'd been before.

On the bright side, my eyesight was getting better. That was good because I really hadn't relished the idea of being permanently blinded. But that was behind me now. I had other things to think about. Namely Dylan.

I entered his quarters and found him tossing and turning. "Dylan, it's me, Beka. It's going to be O.K." He didn't seem to hear me. I went to him and started bathing his face, arms and such to try to bring down the fever. "Come on, Hunt. Fight it off. You're the captain of this ship, after all. So get well and take back your ship, damnit!"

I was upset about his being sick like this but I had to admit trying to care for Dylan was better than thinking about what had happened to me. It was too unpleasant. Dylan needed me right now and I would be there for him because that's who I am and what I do.

I wanted him back so I continued to do what I could for him. I didn't know how much help I could give him but I would try. So I used the medical supplies I had with me to the best of my ability. I wasn't Rommie or Trance.

Trance. Trance wasn't even Trance anymore. I wouldn't think about that. I had a job to do and it required all my attention.

"Come on, Dylan. You'd better not die on me or anything because then I'd have to kill you." Yes, I know that made no sense at all. But nothing had made sense for a very long time. At least since before I'd gone out on that mission.

But now Dylan was mumbling things and I strained to hear and see if I could make anything that he was saying out. "Beka."

"I'm here."

"I'm so sorry I sent you out on that mission. You got hurt and it's all my fault. I'm sorry." He started crying.

I tried my best to soothe him. "It's O.K. I'm O.K. I'm back now. It wasn't your fault. I don't blame you. I never blamed you. It was--." I wasn't going to think about it now. Dylan didn't seem to hear me. He was getting more agitated by the minute. I didn't know what to do. If he was going to get better at all he had to rest. "Dylan, please. It's all right."

"Beka. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I love you so much."

I froze halfway between awareness and numbness. The fever was making him delusional. Yes, that's it. He didn't mean it. Hell, he wouldn't even remember this when he recovered. Because he would. There was no way I was letting him die.

He'd recover and we'd go on like before. Because he didn't love me. There was no way. If he did he wouldn't go out of his way to come on to and bed every living female we came across. O.K. Maybe that was a slight exaggeration. And what did I care anyway? Was I jealous? Of course not. What Dylan Hunt did was no concern of mine. I didn't care.

Well for someone who doesn't care you're acting a lot like you do. No. It couldn't be. Am I in love with Dylan Hunt? I-I don't know. I know I have feelings for him. Just normal ones, though. He's a good friend and a good man. Plus he's different from the other men in my life. He's better.

Well he was until he started going for the title of intergalactic skirt chaser. There I go again. It sounds like I'm jealous and I'm not. I could care less. No, that's not true. I do care. O.K. So maybe I am in love with Dylan Hunt. So what. It doesn't really mean anything. He doesn't really love me. If he did he wouldn't do what he does.

Why not? He has no idea I'm in love with him, does he? No. So. So maybe he wouldn't do it if he realized that it bothers me so much. That it hurts. Because it does. I never realized until just now how much it actually does. Of course that could be because he's no longer an ideal man for me to look up to and is just like all the rest of the men in my life.

No, it's more than that. I've been crushed before and it only hurts like this when the feelings are there. Great! Wonderful! I just discovered that I'm in love with Dylan Hunt and he might die.

No. He won't. He can't. I said I won't let him and I meant it. But now what? It's not a good time for this. He's not going to remember this anyway. And what if he doesn't mean it? He probably doesn't. Good. Well not good but at least it's settled. He doesn't mean it and he'll never remember it.

So it will never need to be said because I'm certainly not going to say anything to him. Or anyone else for that matter. Is that sad or what? We might have had something special if he meant it at all.

Stop thinking like that, Valentine! It's not helping.

I turned to check on him again. He seemed to have settled down while I was having my conversation with myself. He wasn't ranting and raving anymore. Now he was sleeping. Good. He needed rest. "As long as you don't die everything will be all right." I told him.

Actually I didn't really believe that but it sounded good. Anything to make him rally. Because we did need him. We still had the problems of what to do with the Gorgonyte and Trance's latest incarnation. If it was Trance. I still had my doubts. And there was Rommie and the Andromeda to fix. As well as Tyr. He was in command now. What did that mean? Was it good or bad?

I hoped it was good. It had to be. Tyr and I were still friends, right? He'd wanted to get me back as much as the others had. Yes, whatever else happened, Tyr was a friend. I believed that. I trusted that. I had to. And I would go with those feelings to wherever they led.