Part 11: Spotlight on Faith
Selected items from UNS Q&A session with Faith Lanoire-rah, known as Lanoire-rah-sen to the Slayer Faithist and Unitan sects, circa September 2003. Camlin Tikri reporting:
Faith Lanoire is as fierce as her reputation. A true lioness, even among the Slayers she lives with. She strides into the sunlit room with a confidence that most would envy; her long, dark hair streaming behind her; her intense, brown-eyed gaze not missing anything.
She doesn't just sit in the chair. She takes possession of it; claims it as her own. Her body language screams that she is confident and sure of who she is and her place in the world. Her manner is at once insolent and attentive. Yet, the full face, the pouting lips, the bedroom eyes betray a hint of vulnerability behind the facade.
She is fabulous personified. She would be as electric wearing sacking or wearing the latest fashions from New Parisiar. The ease in which she takes over a room, the way all eyes draw to her, would put her in the same league as the greatest, most charismatic vid stars of our day.
And yet, this woman, this legend, is a Slayer. Although, as we shall see, a Slayer with a troubled past. Yet, as dark as the road behind her is, history tells us that her future burns as bright as the Twin Suns of Almeda.
UNS: Thank you for agreeing to this interview.
FL: You wouldn't stop bugging me until I said yes. What's the deal? They paying you by the interview or something? You've got Giles hiding under a fucking bed to get away from you.
UNS: Your exploits are legendary…
FL: No shit? Which ones?
UNS: {heh} Ummm, I can't tell you the most outstanding examples that come to mind…
FL: Oh, right. Andrew mentioned something about a Prime Directive thingy. [studies UNS] If you break it, do they toss your ass in a cell? Or is that an automatic death sentence? He wasn't really clear on that point.
UNS: I'm not sure what a Prime…
FL: Something about not interfering in primitive societies.
UNS: Oh, no. We don't have anything like…don't you take offense at being called primitive?
FL: [wide grin] Haven't checked out the bars around here, have you?
UNS: Actually, I was more interested in getting some background on you and your early life. We've had some tantalizing hints, but prior to the First Battle of Sun'dayl the record isn't clear.
FL: [squirms] What have you heard?
UNS: That your first Watcher was killed and that your second Watcher was removed from Council Service. In fact, your current Watcher is the first one that sticks, for obvious reasons.
FL: I don't have a Watcher.
UNS: Unh? You don't. [UNS pauses to check Bio on FL stored in MemePad.] I, unh, the record isn't entirely clear when you get your third…but it does happen around this time.
FL: Who is it?
UNS: I can't…since it hasn't happened…I really don't think I can…
FL: Gonna hurt yourself.
UNS: Right, on to other matters. What can you tell me about Alexander Harris?
FL: It's because of that whole –rah and –rah-sen shit, right?
UNS: Yeah. Sure. Right in one. Are you two close?
FL: Close? Compared to what?
UNS: Well, you are friends.
FL: [looks confused]
UNS: Do you think your relationship could grow into something more?
FL: [bursts out laughing]
UNS: Are you saying that there's nothing between you?
FL: [falls off chair still laughing]
UNS: I take it that as it stands now there's not a chance in hada, is there?
FL: Whoah, boy. If I knew that a one-night stand…
UNS: One-night stand? You're telling me…
FL: Look, lady, I may have popped his cherry and gave him the best seven minutes of his life, but me and Xander sleep in separate rooms. [smile splits FL's face] Well, at least as far as everyone else is concerned, dig?
UNS: So what you're saying is that…
FL: [holds finger to her mouth] Ixnay on the Anderxnay exsnay. [leans back] We're keeping it hush-hush.
UNS: Interesting. Why is that?
FL: Well, [looks around] thing is there's a lot of tension around here.
UNS: So I noticed.
FL: So we all have to, ahhh, get it out of our system. Which means some of us older kids have playtime together, sometimes three or four of us at a time. Do you get my meaning?
UNS: I…unh…
FL: Thing is, Robin? Not so big on the group fun so we don't invite him. It's getting to be a problem because, you know, more and more people want in on the games, but we all have a no under-18 admitted rule. [leans forward] But Xander on the other hand, whoa. I mean, who knew back in the day, right? Shit, Willow can't get enough and she's fucking gay. Hell, the other night I was watching Xander pound into Andrew and that little boy was squealing like one happy little pig. Fuck. I'm getting all wet just thinking about it.
UNS: {cough, cough}
FL: [leans back] Xan-the-man is a total horndog. Can't get enough sex to make him happy. Can't get enough cash to make him happy. Can't get enough food to make him happy. [smiles angelically] Makes us a perfect pair. But if the two of us went exclusive? With each other? There'd be lots of bitching and moaning since, like, we service the most people in the house.
UNS: [strangled voice] I see.
FL: I'm telling you, nothing like spreading a little Faith. Share-and-share alike. [looks UNS over, licks her lips] Want a piece?
UNS: I'm not supposed to get involved…
FL: Your loss.
UNS: On to other matters. We have a blank in our records between your disappearance in L.A. and your re-emergence for the First Battle. What were you doing at that time?
FL: You don't know?
UNS: Like I said, many of the records before the First Battle of Sun'dayl were lost…
FL: I think you mean blown up or swallowed by a gaping hole in the ground.
UNS: Yes, we'll get to that…the fact is…
FL: Oh, the usual. Mayhem.
UNS: Mayhem?
FL: Sure! I was into picking random fights in bars, robbing banks…
UNS: I don't know what a bank…
FL: Place where people store the cash.
UNS: OH! Central depository. [silence] You were a criminal?
FL: I had everyone in the fucking world after me. I made America's Most Wanted, newspapers were covering my every exploit, rock 'n rollers were writing songs. I was Public Enemy A-Number One with a bullet. I was a star. Then it all fell to shit and I wound up in prison for a few years.
UNS: How did you get caught?
FL: Cops tracked me down. Shit, I had to escape through the goddamn hotel window buck naked to escape. I would've made it too, but they had the CIA, FBI, ATF, KGB, and every cop in California patrolling the streets.
UNS: CIA? FBI? What are…
FL: Oh, yeah. It was bad. I made it to this water tower, see? Climbed the ladder and figured no one would think to look for me there.
UNS: Obviously someone did.
FL: [bitter tone] Oh, yeah. NASA was covering all the high ground using these spy satellites. Technology bit me in the ass. So, everyone converges on this water tower and they corner me.
UNS: Go on.
FL: So there I am, naked, standing on top of this water tower screaming, "Top of the world Ma! Top of the world!"
UNS: "Top of the world?"
FL: It's a, whaddyacallit, mantra. Cagney is my god.
UNS: Cagney? Is he one of the Tara deities?
FL: God of Tough Guys, Mobsters, Molls, Rum-Runners, Bank Robbers, and Song-and-Dance Men. Oh, sometimes people who harvest grapefruit worship him, too.
UNS: A most interesting god.
FL: [shrugs] Takes all kinds to make the world go around.
UNS: So how did the standoff end?
FL: They wired explosives to the base of the water tower, see? And I didn't think it would be a great idea to get blown up, so I turned myself over to the courts and they locked me up.
UNS: If you were that bad, why did they let you out?
FL: Escaped. Had to bide my time, though. Didn't want anyone to know I was a Slayer and needed to be locked up special. Then when they were least expecting it? WHAM! Off and running. I ended up back in Sunnydale and in exchange for helping them out, a lawyer pal had my record expunged, so technically I'm not a criminal any more.
UNS: Quid pro quo.
FL: Gotta get something if you're gonna give.
UNS: Surely you've learned the error of your ways and you plan on living an exemplary…
FL: I'm bored off my tits.
UNS: But…
FL: So I've been thinking about knocking over a bank. Just to keep my hand in, y'know?
UNS: Is anyone else aware…
FL: Fuck no. [thinks about it] Well, actually, Xander helped me come up with the plan, so I guess he knows.
UNS: Xander is a…
FL: Worships Catwoman. Chaos Goddess of Thieves, Robbers, Burglars, and Women in Tight Leather. [grins] Probably why he loves me so much.
UNS: So the two of you are planning…
FL: First National gets hit. Next month. [taps finger to nose] Watch the news. It's gonna be big. Remember: "Top of the world!"
TBC…