Part 20: Spotlight on Andrew

Selected items from UNS Q&A session with Andrew Wells, occupant of Taran United Watcher's Council building, pre-founding, circa September 2003. Camlin Tikri reporting.

Andrew Wells is a small man in more ways than one. He is physically tiny even compared to some of the petite Slayers living in the house. His dreams and wants seem to be equally small and he appears content to float on the surface of life as a witness to history in the making. It is, perhaps, no surprise that he remains a background figure with no true face or form, lost as he is among shadows cast by larger personalities.

What little is known about him comes down to vague, unconnected references in several journals penned by the legendary giants of the time. It isn't entirely clear how he became affiliated with this intrepid group or the reasons for his departure from the same. All that is known is that he was occasionally used as a source of information, even if he was not entirely trusted by his sometime allies.

The strangest notation on his contribution to the post-Sun'dyl world comes from a source located in what the Tarans call La-La Land, where it is believed Mr. Wells made his home after his departure from Cleveland, which said that he was "unbelievably expensive, why are we paying him again?" (TouchInfor References: Wolfram & Hart budgetary records, Indices 2571 inclusive through 29065, 2004-2031).

Some members of the Taran United Watcher's Council seem to view him in a benign light. Robin Wood-rah viewed him as "harmless," if "distracting" and later became his greatest defender by calling him "a victim of circumstance" and "misunderstood" in his famous series of letters. (TouchInfor References: Wood, R., Journal Indices 1532 circa 2003; 2823 circa 2004; 8752 inclusive 8907, circa 2010).

Wise Rupert Giles-rah called him an "inveterate storyteller" early on, but later considered him "a necessary evil" for the Council's sacred mission that had to be nurtured and protected (TouchInfor References: Giles, R., Journal Indices 1437 circa 2003; 2734 circa 2004; 7851 circa 2009; 8828 circa 2010; 11001 circa 2013).

On the other side of the divide stand the statements from the two senior Slayers of the time and Alexander Harris-rah.

Buffy Summers-rah has numerous choice words for him, including "helpless and hopeless," "a crocodile-tears redemptionist," and "a pimple on the chin of humanity, and not the cute blackhead kind, but the icky infected whitehead kind that eats half your chin," even if she allowed that he was "occasionally something resembling useful" and "not a complete waste of human flesh" (TouchInfor References: Summers, B., Journal Indices 2240 circa 2004; 4520 circa 2006; 8175 circa 2010; 9861 circa 2011; 14900 circa 2016).

Harris-rah claimed Mr. Wells was "out only for number one" and called him "the worst kind of opportunist, as in the kind of opportunist who gives opportunists a bad rep." Mr. Wells is also the subject of the statement, "a mercenary who'll sell his services to the highest bidder and I hope Angel gets a big old happy from Cordy and goes all Angelus on his ass," which archivists tell us is a clear indication of Harris-rah's deep dislike of the man (TouchInfor References: Harris, A., Journal Indices 3576 circa 2005; 7756 circa 2009; 8652 circa 2010).

Faith Lanoire-rah seems to, on the whole, concur with her sister Slayer's and Harris-rah's judgment of Mr. Wells's character. Her famous notation, "I hope Angel kicks his carcass to China and back using spiked boots and then lets me stomp on his head like it's a grape and I'm a wop that needs to make a gallon of wine," was written after what is known as the Yukon Flight of 2010 (TouchInfor Reference: Lanoire, F., Journal Entry 8409 circa 2010).

Readers and viewers might recall the story of the Yukon Flight in which Lanoire-rah and Harris-rah were forced underground in the country known as Can'da for nearly four standard months to avoid detection by a tribe of vampirized werewolves while trying desperately to save the human population living in the tribe's hunting grounds.

It is interesting to note that even though most of what we know about Mr. Wells comes from the flurry of reports around the otherwise well-documented Yukon Flight, history is not entirely clear what role he played, if anything. He was he was never officially accused of wrongdoing or commended for any rightdoing by anyone on the Taran United Watcher's Council and no mention has ever been made of him crossing either Slayer Code or breaking Human Law. It is, however, interesting to note that both Lanoire-rah and Harris-rah refused to have any interaction with or use information from Mr. Wells following the Yukon Flight and the fight that nearly cost them their lives, a situation that occasionally hampered their activities in the years following.

As for what Mr. Wells is or isn't, what he did or did not do, there is no one left to say. He left no record, written or recorded, to explain himself or his role and his contemporaries have little to say about him beyond tantalizing tidbits. His mysterious future remains a mystery both in the present and the distant past. So, at long last, a silenced voice is finally heard in an exclusive UNS interview.

UNS: I'm curious about your view of the people in this house and the role you see for yourself in the years going forward.

AW: Don't you already know that? [slaps head] Whoops. Sorry. I know you can't tell me because of the Temporal Prime Directive. I don't want to get you in trouble with the Federation.

UNS: Temporal prime directive? Feder…

AW: You know. How you're not supposed to mess with the timelines 'n stuff for personal gain or revenge because that might alter the course of history and that could mean the earth ceases to exist and that the Federation will never be founded and the universe would be an unhappier place.

UNS: {clears throat} If I get the gist of…of…there's concerns that perhaps we might alter the timeline beyond recognition?

AW: Well, yeah, because that would mean I might die in an alien invasion or I might never be born at all.

UNS: I don't under….

AW: Besides, as a reformed supervillan I don't want to destroy the world anymore. Not that I wanted to destroy it in the first place. I just signed up to be a supervillian because Warren said we'd get rich and become chick magnets. Although I think just getting, like, a gagillian dollars would've been really cool, as in Matrix cool, because then we could still do anything we wanted, including the thing with the monkeys.

UNS: Supervillan? Monkeys?

AW: I really don't want to talk about it because it wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be, especially since Warren…{sniff}. I don't want to talk about it. Being a supervillan is really hard work. Everyone thinks it's all fun and games and that you can MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA all day while rubbing your hands, but it takes a lot of planning and sweat and following orders and even then it might not turn out right because you can't figure out the jetpack controls or because Warren won't let you borrow his balls from his waist pack.

UNS: [hesitant] Balls?

AW: Besides, do you know how many "If I Was an Evil Overlord" lists there are on the Internet? It's very hard figuring out which one is the right one. So you kind of have to memorize all of them and that's a lot of rules. It's very easy to forget one and usually it's the one you need to get you out of trouble, like, what to do when you knock yourself out because you engage a jet pack while standing under a building overhang.

UNS: [quickly] Let's focus on the present.

AW: I've been redeemed from my evil ways and now I'm one of the good guys, sort of like when Jean Grey became the Dark Phoenix and then came back from the dark side and then had to die so the Shi'ar Empire wouldn't destroy earth. Except it turned out that it really wasn't Jean Grey, but…

UNS: [interrupting] So you're saying you're evil?

AW: But I'm not. I said I wasn't. I've shown I was really, really sorry about killing Jonathan, even though the First made me do it. Actually, I didn't know it was the First. I thought it was Warren. And I thought that by killing Jonathan I'd make him a god, so I didn't mean to kill him dead dead, just sort of dead temporarily. Then I found out the truth and went to Buffy and explained the whole situation and she brought me in as a trusted lieutenant to help lead the army she was building to fight the First since I had first-hand experience going mano-a-mano with It and came out alive.

UNS: Let me get this straight: You broke Human Law, specifically, you murdered someone, and…

AW: Being a murderer doesn't automatically disqualify you, you know. Some of Buffy's closest friends are murderers.

UNS: [taps translator chip] I have to be hearing this wrong.

AW: Nunh-unh. Take Willow. She killed Warren, but she killed only one person before trying to kill me and Jonathan.

UNS: She…she…I see. {clears throat} Aren't you angry about her killing this Warren and trying to kill you?

AW: Well, yes, but if I don't forgive her than I'm being hypocritical because I want people to forgive me. Besides, Willow cast the spell that turned all the Potentials into Slayers, so she's one of the good guys now, like me.

UNS: You mentioned that Summers-r…I mean Buffy, actually associated with other murderers? Plural?

AW: Faith killed at least two people. The first guy was an accident, I think. He stumbled in the middle of this fight were Faith and Buffy were fighting vampires and Faith thought he was a vampire and staked him. But then she went over to the darkside, although she didn't want to be an Evil Overlord, she just wanted to be the sidekick, which kinda makes sense because you still get a lot of perks without all of the superheroes going after you like the Evil Overlord. So she started working for this Mayor who was really a demon, see? And he made her kill a Vulcanologist.

UNS: [blinking] Wait, wait. Faith really was a…a…and what's a…

AW: Fans of Star Trek who dress up as Vulcans at conventions and stuff. I think this one lady who wore her Star Trek uniform at the O.J. Simpson trial was one

UNS: Star…

AW: Star Trek is how we know about the Prime Directive and the Temporal Prime Directive. [reaches over and pats UNS's hand] Don't worry, I told everyone about the Prime Directives so they wouldn't try to find out about the future. The only one I didn't have to tell was Xander because he already knew it, even if he told me that I was being…

UNS: Is Alexander a murderer?

AW: Xander is not a murderer. Someone would've told me if he was. Besides, he's always been one of the good guys. He's upright, loyal, and he's never, ever hurt anyone. Well, except Anya when they broke up and they didn't get married, but they really, really loved each other and I'm glad they found each other again before she died, even though it's made Xander very sad and depressed and angry. {sniffs}

UNS: [checks MemePad for bio on AH] Oh, I see here that she was someone Alexander was romantically involved with before Sun'dyl was destroyed. Tell me about her.

AW: She's like, the perfect woman. Ever. Or was. {sniffs} She was a vengeance demon who decided to become human because she fell in love with Xander. She was supposed to grant a wish that would curse him but she couldn't do it because his heart was too pure. So when the other vengeance demons were all, "Ooooh, you have to do it or you'll loose all your powers," she lost her powers instead of destroying an innocent man. Xander was so touched that he offered to help her understand what it meant to be human and she fell in love with him and he fell in love with her.

UNS: [choking up] That's…that's just beautiful. That's…

AW: {sniff} Their love was a beautiful pure love, but some of the other demons were jealous of their happiness. I think that's why Xander left her, because this one demon invaded their wedding when they were about to get married and did something to him. But I helped them find each other again by getting them to talk and stuff and Xander proclaimed his undying love for Anya and melted her angry, angry heart.

UNS: [softly] She died saving his life, didn't she?

AW: {sniff} No. {sniff, sniff} She died saving me. When we were battling the First's minions, she was like Xena. She was wielding her sword and they all got really scared when she let out this scary war scream, but they weren't afraid of me, so she was fighting to save me and couldn't watch her back and then…and then…{sniff} Xander will never love again.

UNS: I don't know what to… [surreptitiously wipes eyes with sleeves]

AW: So, I've decided that in memory of Anya, I'm going to take care of Xander for the rest of his life. I owe him a debt of honor. He needs someone to help him. I mean, he's extraordinary and he does so much, but no one is good at everything. Sometimes he runs himself so low that he can't get up again, so I do my best to cheer him up, and keep our room clean, and make sure he eats properly, 'cause sometimes he forgets.

UNS: [frantically searches MemePad for bio on AW, makes note to find more infor about AW if/when UNS gets back to the office] What about the others?

AW: Robin and Giles are not murderers, either, but then again, I don't know them very well. They're kinda busy, too, although not as busy as Xander. Plus, I've never roomed with them, so I don't get a chance to talk to them like I do Xander. But there was Spike…

UNS: "Spike?"

AW: Yeah. I'm surprised you don't know about him too since he died saving the world. He was known as William the Bloody the baddest of all bad vampires until he fell in love with Buffy, but she's like, "No, I'm a Slayer," and he's like, "But I love you more than anything," and she's like, "But I can't love you because you don't have a soul," and he's like, "Then I'll get one to prove my love to you."

UNS: [disbelieving] A vampire fell in love with a Slayer? That's just, just amazing!

AW: Well, he fell in love with her after he got this chip in his head, see? It would really hurt him if he tried to hurt a human, except this one time he bit me because the First was making the chip go haywire and making him kill using magic even though he had a soul now. But Buffy agreed to help him with the chip and the First and he was able to become a hero that saved the world.

UNS: I'm really, really confused. I thought the infusion of the Slayer power to all girls capable of claiming it was what actually saved the world.

AW: No, the world was saved by Spike's undying love for Buffy because he was willing to sacrifice everything to make sure she lived on. Buffy's and Spike's love was full of passion and glory, but it was a forbidden love and doomed to tragedy. Destiny brought them together, but destiny tore them from each other's arms just as they were about to declare their undying love for each other after wasting so much time about labels. See, Buffy was a Slayer and Spike was a…

UNS: I understand that part.

AW: Plus, one of Buffy's allies, Angel, he's another vampire…

UNS: Wait, wait…another vampire?

AW: Well, he has a soul, too.

UNS: Which he got for Buffy.

AW: Which he got because of a curse. I think. I know when he doesn't have a soul, he's called Angelus.

UNS: [checks MemePad for bio on BS sees deadlink ref for Angelus/Angel/Liam Keaton (shanshu); sees deadlink ref for William the Bloody/Spike makes note that UNS really needs to get back to the office] Right. Thank you for clearing that up. Still, I have to admit that Buffy must be quite the amazing woman to bring two vampires to the side of the light. The story about Spike is simply…words fail.

AW: [nodding] Oh she is. Anyway, he gives her this amulet that'll help us defeat the First and Buffy gives the amulet to Spike because he's Obi-wan-her-only-hope to her Princess Leia and he wears it. Then Willow casts the spell, but it's not enough because the First is still winning and then this light brighter than a million suns comes out of the amulet and drives back the First, letting all of us retreat while the light eats him and all the evil creatures all up and closes the Hellmouth.

UNS: I, unh, see. So, if the Great Awakening spell didn't defeat the First, then why did…

AW: Because no one knew what the amulet actually did. So Willow cast the…you called it Great Awakening spell? That's soooooo kewl. I'll have to tell Willow that.

UNS: [quickly] Please don't.

AW: [nods knowingly] Oh. Right. Temporal Prime Directive.

UNS: [nodding enthusiastically] Yes. That's it.

AW: So, anyway, Willow cast the spell because all the new Slayers were going to fight the First and its evil minions, except they were losing. So the amulet must've been, like, a failsafe or something.

UNS: In case the battle went poorly.

AW: Yeah, which is soooo smart because it was like the perfect back-up plan.

UNS: But no one knew what the amulet did, you said.

AW: When I say no one, I mean, like, everyone, except Buffy and Spike. I'm sure they knew what it did because using something powerful like that without knowing what it would do would be really stupid, like, Highlander: Endgame stupid.

UNS: So why didn't they tell anyone else, you think?

AW: [rolls eyes] In case the First had spies and was listening to the plan.

UNS: I guess that makes sense. So, where do you see yourself going from here, given your troubled past?

AW: I'm going to work very, very hard to prove that I belong here by helping Giles, and Robin, and Buffy, and Willow, and especially Xander reach their full potential because they are just amazing people and they do extraordinary things, but, like I said, they're just human and sometimes even they need help to get through life's little trials. If I can make their lives a little easier, whether it's making sure dinner's on the table or helping to fight the latest evil, then I've truly made a contribution to the good fight.

UNS: That's a most interesting view…

TBC…