Title: "Cold Wave"

Author: Stephjag aka Steph

Email: or pierre.oeyenpandora.be

Website:

Disclaimer: I do not own the JAG characters; if they were mine some things would have never happened, and some others would never have been said. They are the propriety of CBS, Paramount Studios and they belong to Donald P. Bellisario. No copyright infringement intended.

Classification: JAG story, and for further information, I don't really know.

Rating: PG-13 (just to be on the safe side)

Spoilers: Beginning season 9

Summary: The JAG headquarters doors are closed for Harm now, and he feels some bitterness against the admiral, Mac and Webb. What will he do to put his mind at ease?

Author's note: Well to be honest with you it's been only a couple of days that I'm rally watching at the ninth season of JAG, because of a lot of reasons. First, I didn't hear very positive comments about what was happening in the season and I decide not to look at it – big mistake of mine. I've been mad at Mac, and I wasn't quite happy with her behavior toward Harm, but thought it was understandable. Here's a little something I've thought about. Sorry if you don't like, but I had to express some of my feelings in one way or another and that's the best way for me to do it.

Many thanks to AeroGirl and Dae for beta-reading!

Feedback: Please, if you would like to express your enjoyment. If my work does not appeal to you for any reason, I have no problem with that, but please, no need to share that with me.

Each night I cry I still believe the lie
I love you till I die
Save me save me save me
Don't let me face my life alone
Save me save me ooh...
I'm naked and I'm far from home (lyrics from "Save me"— Queen)

1721 ZULU

In front of the JAG building

Falls Church, Virginia

There he was; Harm was standing outside the JAG building. The sun was squeezing his face, but he felt cold. It was over – his career in the Navy was over. What was he going to do now? The Navy was all his life, and it was all over. Vanished like it had all never existed. All he had been, all he'd done had been for nothing.

Harm felt desperate and helpless. He wondered when he'd lost control over his life. What had happened to bring him to this point of… of what actually? Weariness? Carelessness? Harm couldn't quite believe what he was thinking about, but it all had been too much, lately. When he'd left the building all his friends had done was stare at him like he was a stranger, except for a few who had seemed to understand what was really going on.

Mac didn't say anything to him, but did he really care about that? After all, she'd made it clear to him that she didn't want to talk anymore. She was more preoccupied by her 'martyred' Clayton Webb, who had suffered for her… that most probably meant more to her than a man who threw away his career and the most important things in his life to save her from the dead.

Why couldn't Mac understand that Harm had done all of this because he loved her? He knew he would have given his life for her. But unlike Webb, he would never have put her life in danger. Harm couldn't understand Chegwidden, either. Why hadn't he said something against her acceptance of the mission? Why hadn't he simply said 'no'? Harm knew that asking himself all those questions was useless and that he would never have any answers to them, but he couldn't help it.

Unshed tears filled his eyes as he slowly walked away from what had been his life for so long… He was heading to his car, stooped and staring at he ground. He stood there in front of his car for a while before finally taking his keys out of his jacket pocket.

Once inside, Harm didn't start the car immediately; instead, he leaned his head against the headrest, closing his eyes as he felt a wave of sadness rush through him. But was it really sadness, or was it something else?

In life people have to make choices, and each one of them has consequences, good or bad. One could never know which one it was going to be. When you do something that you think is good, you have to go for it no matter what is going to happen afterward.

Harm knew he'd done something good; but the consequences weren't quite the ones he had been hoping for.

Mac was enjoying a bath and he was lying on the only bed in the room, his fingers crossed under his head. He was staring at the ceiling when he heard a knock on the door. Harm got off the bed and took his gun; he turned toward the bathroom door and said, "Man on deck."

"What?" Mac called out from the bathroom where she was blowing on soap bubbles.

"I'm coming in," Harm said.

"No, you're not," Mac retorted, a little offended.

Harm opened the door and entered the bathroom, a gun in his left hand. He approached the bathtub and put the gun down on the toilet tank, and then looked at her in a slightly different way. "What?" Mac said, a tone of slight annoyance in her voice.

Harm smiled wistfully and said, "I'd forgotten how beautiful you are," before leaving the room to open the door.

The same thought had been spinning in his mind since they'd come back – Mac enjoying that bubble bath – but there was also something that was spinning in his head, that echoed over and over again… "Things are never gonna work between us, because we both want to be on top." Her words sounded louder and clearer each time they were repeated in his mind.

And for him it could only mean one thing: she'd chosen to shut him out of her life. They all had shut him out of their life. And maybe, just maybe it was the best thing for the time being. Harm needed some time on his own so he could think about everything that had happened.

Harm started the car so he could turn on the radio, and stopped when he heard some meaningful lyrics – well, the lyrics were meaningful to him. The song was about a lonesome dove that felt sad because his love flew off with another, and this was Harm's situation though Mac didn't say nor did anything that would confirm his suspicions. He'd seen the way Mac had acted when she was at Clay's bedside and he had felt like he was the third wheel of the coach.

And a knife had stabbed his heart; he had lost her to Clay…

Harm was driving not really knowing where he wanted to go. He didn't feel like going home, but where else could he go? Not to Mac nor anyone else of the JAG team… he didn't belong there anymore, he didn't belong in his family – a family, that was what JAG represented to him; his family, but his wonderful family had given up on him.

They didn't even try to understand the reason why he'd done all that, and if there was someone who understood, they hadn't said anything to defend him, choosing silence instead. A lot of thoughts were going through Harm's mind – many happy memories, but they were bittersweet right now.

Harm was already lying in bed. He was winding up his watch when Mac came out of the bathroom to climb in next to him.

"What would your new wife think?"

"Heh…She's pretty open-minded." Harm answered, putting his watch on the nightstand.

Mac shifted her body to face him, her face cupped by her left hand.

"Okay, you're not really married…?"

"No, but I now know what it means to make a commitment like that…" Harm answered, putting his watch on the nightstand. "I went through a ceremony."

"There's got to be a story there," Mac said, smiling at him.

Harm was looking elsewhere as he mumbled softly, "Mmm, yeah…"

"So why did you do it?" she asked then.

"I did it to find you…" Harm answered calmly.

Oh, yeah, he'd been through a lot to find her and bring back – she had no idea, and if she had really known what he'd been through, maybe she'd have reacted differently. But all that didn't really matter anymore. He had to let go of them because they didn't want him. Despite the cold wave that had rushed through him and had frozen his heart for the time being, Harm couldn't help but think that it all had been worth it … because the woman he loved no matter what was still alive, and that was worth all the sacrifices in the world.

Harm preferred to have her mad at him but still in his life, rather than dead and cold, and out of his life forever.

THE END

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