Disclaimer: Bite me...I know that I own nothing.
A/N: Come on people, my Smallville fic got more reviews than this! Do you want to lose to the competition!? SMALLVILLE GOT RE-SIGNED FOR NEXT SEASON AND MUTANT X DIDN'T!!!! GET PISSED!! BEAT THEM AT THE REVIEW GAME!!!
Also, now that that fangirl moment has passed, thank you to KatKnits00 for the info about not having to indent my paragraphs, it was helpful in lowering the annoyance factor about how upload thing wouldn't let me indent. I'm still a bit pissed about the song set up being messed, but I'll deal. I know what it's supposed to look like and I guess that's all that matters.
brigitta1- Thanks so much for liking my story enough to find it again after booted me off the first time for "explicit content" bakas... If the person who reported me couldn't handle what he/she was reading, they didn't have to continue...Some people...grrr...Anyways, since then I've been trying to tone my sex and language down to hintings of "intercourse" and such. I hope I don't get kicked off again by someone who can't just tell me that I need to tone it down instead of reporting me for content that they can't handle... ANYWAYS, thanks for sticking with me! I appreciate it!!!
A/N 2: I AM SOOO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO UPDATE!!! But I used the word shit in a summary, which is apparently not allowed, so they banned me from updating for a REALLY long time... Also, I'm going away on vacation for a week so I'll be cut off my my internet and my computer.. ::Sob:: ..so, bear with me and stay tuned, I'll try to post again as soon as I get back.
Brennan's head dropped to his chest and a tear fell onto his guitar. He put his instrument off to the side, laid down on his bed, and put his face into the pillow, shoulder's shaking as tears soaked into the white linen of the pillow case. "Shalimar," he whispered, sobs racked his body.
Shalimar woke up painfully the next morning. Or what she thought was the next morning. In all actuality, she had been drifting in and out of consciousness for nearly three days. But she didn't know the difference. The days bled together in her fevered mind. All she knew was that it was cold and drizzly and her torn and bloody tank top wasn't doing much for her in the way of warmth. Her outer shirt, a button-up t-shirt, she had tied around the wounds on her stomach to slow the bleeding. She shivered and wrapped the tattered cloth tighter around her, wincing as the fabric put pressure on her wounds.
She rose, stiff and in pain. She shook her head, making her wobble unsteadily. She placed a hand on the tree trunk to steady herself before taking a deep, shaky breath and stumbling onward. She had to get back. She had to get back to Brennan. Before he did something stupid.
Brennan sat in the dojo, knees pulled tightly against his chest, arms around his legs. Six days. It had been six days, thirteen hours, twenty-eight minutes, and eighteen seconds since he'd lost her. He let out a shaky breath.
"It seems like just yesterday we were in each other's arms." He whispered to himself through his tears. "She was so warm...so beautiful. She was everything..." Rivers of painful regret ran down his cheeks.
He pulled out his pocket knife and flipped open the little blade. It shone, sharp and shiny under the bright lights of the dojo. He brought the blade to his upper-arm and pressed down hard. Blood pooled up around the blade, the edge now lost under blood and flesh. He carved a large S into his skin and watched the blood stream down. Down his arm, over his elbow, down over his wrist and pooling into his cupped hand. He picked the blade up, moving it to just below his elbow and pressing it down again. He traces pattern-less slices down over his wrist, then slashed it down into the S, over and over until it completely disappeared beneath the other cuts.
When he was done, he let the blade drop and put his head on his knees, letting the pain in his arm wash over him and drown out the pain clenching tightly to his heart. For those brief minutes, he felt nothing but the burning, searing pain coursing up and down his slashed arm. For those brief moments, he was free. Until his feeling of unconquerable loss returned to him and the slashes in his arm became just background to the pain in his heart.
"Bren, you've gotta eat something. It's been over a week. I haven't seen you eat anything yet." Lexa chided him as he pushed his food around his plate.
"I'm not hungry." He replied, not meeting her eyes. Brennan shifted and Lexa caught sight of the cuts on his arm. She took hold of his wrist before he could move his arm out of her reach and looked at them more closely.
"God, Brennan, what the hell are you doing?! You could kill yourself doing that! Are you crazy!?" She exclaimed. Brennan finally met her gaze and she could tell he hadn't gotten any sleep the past couple of days. Maybe even since that fateful day.
"I can't..." He began and his voice cracked.
"Can't what?" She asked gently.
"I can't ma-make the pain stop." He choked out, a fresh wave of salty tears running down his cheeks.
"Brennan," she whispered sadly and took him in her arms. "I know, I know it hurts. Shh... I know." She murmured comfortingly, rocking him gently.
A little while later he excused himself to his room again with a sworn promise to Lexa that he wouldn't cut himself anymore and walked slowly away. Lexa watched him go sadly before standing, taking the extra sandwich off the counter and going to Jesse's room.
"Hey, I brought you some food." Lexa announced softy as she entered Jesse's room in the medical ward.
"Thanks," he said, giving her a small smile. "How's Brennan doing?" Lexa sighed, looking at the floor.
"Not so good. I found slice marks on his arms." She paused. "He's been cutting, Jess."
"What!?" Jesse exclaimed, wide-eyed.
"Yeah, I know. And he's cutting deep too. It's just... he hurts so badly. You heard his song. He's dying inside. He also hasn't eaten or slept in over a week. I'm worried about him. He's killing himself."
"Me too. I just wish we knew how to help him get through this. I mean, we think that Shal's death hurts us... Just imagine what it's doing to him. I tried to track Neilson, under the assumption that he might be wearing one of our rings, but I got nothing. I had a few of my contacts check that warehouse, but it's empty. They're gone. Without closure and the death of that sick bastard, how can we possibly help him?"
"I wish I knew." Lexa sighed again. There was a long pause in which neither of them spoke, but Jesse ran his fingers over Lexa's hand gently.
"How're you holding up?" Jesse asked her. "I mean, you're doing great at being strong for everyone; comforting Brennan... watching over me... Brennan said you never left the room while I was... you know..."
"Yeah, I'm okay, I guess. But I want to discuss something with you." She looked him straight in the eyes.
"What's that?"
"You can't ever do that to me again, okay?" Jesse chuckled quietly.
"Okay," he replied, bright eyes shining.
"I'm being serious Jesse!" She reprimanded him. "You really scared me. When they dragged you back to the cell and I saw you... I thought... I thought you were dead. I thought they had killed you and I was so scared. Then Brennan a-and Shal rescued us and Bren brought us back here. You were touch and go for awhile and we didn't know if you would live through the night. And I sat beside you the whole night until you grew stronger and woke up and I knew you would make it. But that was the longest night of my life." Jesse hugged her tightly. A strange look came across his face and he pulled back and looked at her. "What is it?" Lexa asked, frowning.
"I heard. I heard what you said to me that night. About Emma and how feeling for people only got you hurt. I also heard that you had found yourself falling in love with me." Lexa gasped and her cheeks flushed brightly. She covered her face with her hands, flushing a deep red. Jesse smiled and pulled her hands from her face. He looked her straight in the eyes. "You were the reason I lived that night and I realize... I love you too." He whispered and her expression went from embarrassment to shock to joy so fast that it made Jesse laugh. Jesse cupped the back of Lexa's head, pulled her close to him, and kissed her gently. "I'll never leave you. You don't have to be afraid to feel ever again. I'll make sure of that." He assured her before kissing her deeply. And despite the graveness of the past several days their hearts flew in that moment, filled with happiness and love.
"Come on," Jesse said, breaking their kiss at last. "We should go check on Brennan."
"We?" Lexa asked, looking at him pointedly. "What's this 'we' stuff? You're not going anywhere."
"Oh, come on! I'm rested and better and I can't stand the look of this place. It's so dull and... Well, hospital-like." He whined.
"Fine, but I'm helping you." Lexa gave in reluctantly. "And if you find that you get tired or you're too sore, you tell me immediately. Deal?"
"Deal," Jesse promised. Lexa helped him get dressed and they went slowly out of the room.
"Knock knock," Lexa called, tapping lightly on Brennan's door. There was no answer. Lexa tried the door and found it unlocked and pushed it open gently. There on the floor with his back resting on the side of his bed, sat Brennan. He had open a large photo album and his head was down, tears dripping from his chin. "Oh, Brennan." Lexa sighed and she and Jesse went over to him. He looked up and forced a smile.
"Jess, you're out of bed." He remarked, he sounded tired. Not just physically tired, but mentally exhausted as well. Lexa quickly checked his arms for new cuts with her eyes. She breathed a sigh of relief when she found none. He had kept his promise.
"Yeah, but maybe you shouldn't be." Jesse frowned at him in concern. "When was the last time you ate something, Bren?" Brennan shrugged and looked down at his album again. Jesse didn't push the issue, but laid a hand on Brennan's arm, slightly surprised to find that his whole body was shaking. He looked down at the photo that Brennan seemed so captured by. Tears formed in his eyes when he saw it.
"I remember when that was taken." Lexa said, looking at it too. In the photo was Brennan, looking surprised but amused and Shalimar was on his back, her arms and legs wrapped around him and she was kissing his cheek. Her eyes sparkled with mischief and unbound love. He was smiling widely as he wrapped his arms around behind him to support her. "I had just arrived. You and Shal were still kind of skeptical about my motives." She said to Brennan. "She was up on the second floor and You, Jess, and I were downstairs. She jumped you, if I recall correctly. Scared the piss out of you too. It was hysterical. Jesse, you're a good photographer. Captured the moment perfectly." She smiled and kissed him.
"Oh, so you two finally got together, huh?" Brennan said, smiling a little. "Took you long enough...I mean, Sh-," He took a shaky breath, as if saying her name pained him. "Shalimar was the first to know. She um... she kept her mouth shut about it for a little while before I finally noticed and asked her about it. It was funny, watching you two and knowing how you felt about each other before you did." He smiled again through his tears as the memories flooded him. "I miss her so much." His voice broke into a quiet sob. Jesse and Lexa put their arms around him, letting him know in ways beyond words, that they were there for him.
TO BE CONTINUED...
A/N: Wow...I sort of just realised how much of a wuss I've made Brennan out to sound. ::smacks self:: Stupid stupid!! Oh well...too late now...anyways, in my defense, he thinks Shalimar's dead and he loves her more than anything else in the world...is that a good enough reason for his uber-sappy-cry-y-ness?? Again, sorry for the OOC-ness.