Diclaimer: yeah yeah..I know...
A/N: OMG!! I am soooo sorry!!! I can't believe I haven't updated in two months!! I am so so so so so so sorry!!! For those of you still waiting for me to update, I again apologize. I got a job and school restarted and everthing has just kind of sucked away at my time. Also, I've been doing a bunch of rewrites that'll show up just after this chapter, showing a deeper look into Shal and Bren's love. So tell me if ou like it. I would really appreciate reviews to let me know that ur still interested after all this time. Please and thank you, again, many many apologies. loads of love -Saph-
"What's happening?!" Brennan called over the noise. Jesse was rushing around madly, grabbing tubes and wires, typing on the computer. "Jess!?"
"I'm losing her!" He exclaimed fearfully as he pulled out his paddles again and got them ready, just in case.
"Oh my God," Brennan breathed and went quickly to Shalimar's side. He clasped her hand in horror and tears flooded his eyes. "No, come on baby; don't do this to me again. Don't leave me, please, please. I need you, please don't leave me again."
"Brennan, move!" Jesse shouted as he laid the paddles on her chest. Her back lifted from the table and then fell back down but to no avail, the monitor kept screaming. "Come on, come on!" He prepared it again and Brennan grabbed her hand. Tears fell from his eyes and landed on her cheek as he sobbed brokenly at the prospect of losing her again.
"Baby, please," he choked. "Stay with me, please." He begged and just as suddenly as it had started the wailing of the heart monitor stopped and after a few seconds was replaced by the slow beep... beep or her heart and a huge exhale of breaths from the three team mates.
Brennan breathed heavily and laid his head on Shalimar's chest, chest heaving with emotion, tears falling onto her pale skin. He grasped her hand tightly and ran his hand over her arm, body shaking.
"Thank God," he heard Jesse breath in relief. Lexa put her arms around his quaking shoulders and held him close. He held her to him and breathed heavily into her shoulder as the last few minutes terrifying tension left his body.
After about two hours sitting there in the med lab together, speaking little and staring in tense silence at Shalimar, Brennan was finally assured enough of her stability that he went back to bed. A few minutes later he was followed by Lexa, who had reluctantly left Jesse there again to watch over their friend. It had been one hell of a night as they drifted off to sleep at a little before midnight.
The next morning dawned pale and cold, and chilly wind whipped sand and small rocks about on the cliffs surrounding Sanctuary. Brennan woke early, around five A.M., and for a few moments he was consumed by that old, gnawing depression. Then, suddenly, it was as if someone had poured hot chocolate down his throat, a warm feeling began to push away the dark cold inside of him and for a minute, he didn't know where it came from. The previous day came back to him as if it were a dream. One of the most wonderful dreams he'd ever had. It was another few moments before he realized that it wasn't a dream; that it was, in fact, reality. And despite the scare he'd had only five hours ago, he smiled a bit and jumped out of bed, only to get dizzy and have to sit back down. He shook his head to clear it, stood slowly, and staggered to the bathroom.
Brennan looked up at the mirror and inhaled sharply. The face he saw looking back at him was pale, his cheekbones were hollowed and there were dark blackish-blue rings under his eyes. His eyes themselves were dim and only a slight hint of their usual sparkle of laughter could be found there. His hair was tangled and greasy, messy and dull-looking. He looked like he had just died and somehow, even after all of the stuff he had put his body through, it still shocked him. What the hell had he been thinking? He knew the answer. He hadn't been thinking at all. His mind and body had numbed and left no room for coherent or intelligent thought. He loved her more than words, more than the greatest joys and wonders of the world, more than life itself. And he'd known all along.
He pushed a breath from between his lips that he hadn't realized he'd been holding and turned to the bathtub, turning on the shower and giving it a few moments to get warm. When he felt that it was warm enough, he stepped in gingerly and grabbed a bar of soap and washed himself. He felt as though he was washing away all the pain of the past several weeks, all the sorrow, until all he had left was the blame and the regret. He still believed that her fate had somehow been of his doing, as though, somehow, he could have prevented it if he'd just tried harder. Somewhere in the depths of all his self-loathing and self-blaming, he knew that there was nothing he could have done. She had put herself on the line to give him the chance to save their friends, but that was the reasonable section of his brain speaking and he wasn't quite done de-numbing the other parts and wasn't listening to his own rationalizations. Maybe, eventually, he would listen, but he might need a little help. And there was only one person that help could come from, and she was still teetering on the edge of the cliff of her death, fighting to balance her will to live with the pain and exhaustion of her body to keep herself from falling and leaving them forever.
He got out of the shower feeling strangely refreshed and his body felt lighter than it had in weeks. He wrapped a fluffy towel, one that Shal had given him as a joke gift when he was redoing the bathroom, around his waist, and stepped out of the bathroom and into his bedroom. He dressed quickly, throwing on black boxers, faded jeans, and a light-fabric, midnight blue, button-up shirt. He ran a brush through his hair hastily, and then messed it up, giving him that classic tousled look. He went back to the bathroom and brushed his teeth, then looked at his reflection again. It was a bit better than last time. It was amazing what a shower could do; plus, he figured, maybe the food from the previous night had finally begun to fill out his cheeks just a little. It was then that he realized he was starving. His stomach growled loudly. He smirked and wandered out to the kitchen, still a little dizzy.
"Hey," Lexa greeted him when he walked through the entrance way to the small kitchen. "How are you?" She asked, genuinely worried about him.
"Better," He flashed her an echo of his old, bright smile. She grinned at him.
"How'd you sleep last night, you know, after...?" She didn't have to finish, he knew what she meant.
"Okay, I had a bit of trouble getting back to sleep, but that's to be expected. Other than our little scare last night I slept surprisingly well. I guess, I mean...when she...When Shal came through that door, I felt this huge weight lift off of me. A weight I didn't even realize I'd been carrying. And all the emotions that I had inside of me that had gone numb, the merest echo in comparison to the blazing pain of losing her, came back and it just drained me. I didn't realize what going that long without food or sleep could do to me, until I'd already done it." He paused. "I looked in the mirror this morning. For the first time since...," he didn't have to say it; Lexa knew, "And what I saw scared the shit out of me. How could I've let it get that bad? I could have killed myself." He paused again, contemplating whether or not to tell her what he was thinking. She smiled reassuringly and he ploughed on, not giving himself time to change his mind. "I think, quite honestly, that I was trying to kill myself. I mean starvation, sleep deprivation, and cutting. I kept thinking that, if I died, I could be with her. That's all I wanted. To be with her. Nothing else mattered. I just... shut down..."
"You were in pain," Lexa soothed him. "Jesse and I get that. We really do, but death was never the answer. Why do you think I got so pissed when I found out you were cutting? We were really worried about you." She smacked his arm, rather hard. "What the hell were you thinking!?" She exclaimed. "Even with Shal gone, Jesse and I still needed you! Or didn't you consider that?! God, you can be so selfish!" She breathed heavily at the end of her mini-tirade.
"Um...Sorry?" He said tentatively. She glanced up at him and met his eyes, and then they both burst out laughing. "Feel better now?"
"Yeah, damn, I just got sick of holding that in. So I figured, since you seemed to be in better humor this morning, I'd stop restraining my big mouth and just let it out."
"Well, I'm glad you did. And I'm sorry I worried you. I just... lost myself."
"It's cool. Now eat something and come to the lab, I think Jesse's almost ready to start healing Shal, he's just running a few more preliminary tests to make sure she's ready."
"Okay," he smiled a little. "Thanks, Lex. It means a lot that I can talk to you. You sure have changed since the first time me met."
"Time changes most things, Sparky." She grinned and left with a wave. A small smile curled the edges of his lips. He shook his head in mild amusement and got himself a bowl and cereal with a lot of sugar in it. He'd eat healthy to regain his strength later; right now he just needed to stay awake.
"How's she doin', Jess?" Brennan asked when he pushed through the lab door about fifteen minutes later.
"Okay." The molecular replied, glancing up at him. "Not great, her heart beat is still irregular and her temperature is still pretty high, but okay. Better than yesterday. She seems to have improved since our scare last night. Her condition is stable enough for us to begin healing her now."
"You're sure?" Brennan asked, sitting down beside Shalimar's bed and holding her hand lovingly.
"Positive, I've run every test twice, just in case. Her body can handle it now."
"Then let's get going."
"Okay, Lex, you ready?" He asked her. She nodded and signaled for Brennan to back away. "Lock and load." Jesse tapped a few keys and a bright beam shot down from its holster in the ceiling and played over Shalimar's body. Little cuts and bruises were the first things to disappear, next went the large bruises on the left side of her face and on her wrists. The welts on her abdomen were the next to disappear. The longest healing processes began when the light lingered over the word carved into her stomach, which, much to everyone's relief, left no scars; and the deep gashes on her back and shoulder. Two long thin lines of scars over her shoulder blade and running slightly down her back and three parallel lines on her side, were all that remained of her ordeal.
The beams shot back into their holsters and were still. Shalimar's heart beat fell into a normal rhythm and her body temperature normalized itself. A healthy color began to return to her ghostly-pale cheeks. Brennan hugged Jesse tightly. "You're a miracle worker."
"Yeah, well, I could say the same for you. You saved our lives too remember. And without Shalimar's help on the computers, too." Brennan punched his arm gently and smiled before moving to Shalimar's side.
"When will she wake up?" He asked, stroking her hair gently.
"I don't know. She's still a little pale and, though her wounds have been healed, her body has still been through a lot. It may be awhile yet. But she's alive and she's out of the woods and in the clear. We've got her back. For good."
"It's weird, but I'm still afraid that I'll wake up in the morning and she'll be gone. Like a really amazing, but cruel dream."
"Yeah, me too." Jesse agreed. Lexa grinned wickedly and pinched first Brennan, then Jesse's arms. They flinched and cried out.
"What was that for?" They asked simultaneously.
"Guess you're not dreaming, huh?" She laughed and strolled casually from the room, leaving them staring, open-mouthed, after her. Jesse shook himself out of his thoughts and smiled, making his way to the door.
"If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go follow the once-cynical one." He said, and then went running down the hallway after Lexa. Brennan laughed quietly to himself, then laughed harder when he heard Lexa's shriek of surprise. He turned back to Shalimar, kissing her forehead lovingly.
"I hope you wake up soon, Shal. I need you with me. Not just physically. I need you to wake up. I know it's selfish, but I thought you were dead. And yet, here you are. And it's amazing and unbelievable and incredible. It's like this huge part of me has been refilled from when it disappeared with your death. Only your open eyes can truly reassure me. I love you so much." He kissed her lips gently.
Two days later Brennan was still waiting. But his waiting would soon be over. Jesse and Lexa sat together against the wall, talking quietly and Brennan just stared down at her, hoping, praying, that today would be the day she'd open those beautiful eyes of hers and be back with him again.
Shalimar's hand moved gently under his and his eyes snapped to her face. "Jess, Lexa, her hand just moved!" He exclaimed, and they came running over. Shalimar's eyes fluttered open and she looked around, a confused expression on her face, before her eyes brightened at the sight of Brennan's joyful face looking down at her and she smiled.
"I made it," she breathed, sat up quickly, and threw herself into Brennan's waiting arms, crying softly into his shoulder. Tears ran down Brennan's cheeks as he held her close to him, never wanting to let go. She pulled away far enough to look into his eyes lovingly and whisper, "I'm home," Before he pulled her into his arms again.
"I thought I'd lost you. I thought I'd never see you again." Brennan whispered into her neck.
"I will never leave you. I keep my promises." She smiled, and then he was kissing her. A deep, passionate, I'll-never-let-you-go kiss. Then he held her again. When they finally pulled apart, rather reluctantly, but with his arm still around her waist, she turned and smiled warmly at the two other mutants. "Jess, Lexa!" And she held out her arms to them and they hugged her. Jesse kissed her cheek, a tear running down his face. Lexa grinned at her, and then hugged her again, before Brennan reclaimed his hold on her.
"We thought you were dead." Lexa said, trying and failing to force away the lump in her throat and the tears in her eyes.
"Neilson's doing, I bet." Jesse said angrily.
"Neilson," Brennan growled and began to move off the bed, fully intending to go after the man that had hurt the woman he loved, angry that he hadn't done it before. He stopped when he felt Shalimar's gentle hand on his arm.
"He's dead." She announced, not sounding like she felt the least bit sorry for him. "Bastard got what was coming to him." There was a slight growl in the under-tones of her voice.
"Good," Brennan concurred, promptly sitting back down on the edge of her bed. "How'd you do it?" He asked, a little too eagerly. Shalimar laughed quietly.
"Well, I was going to beat him to death, that would've been a more appropriate end, but that big ass guard, Marcus, tried to get me, so I snapped Neilson's neck, knocked out the oaf and the psycho-kitty and ran...well...limped away."
"What happened after that?" Brennan asked gently. She met his eyes.
"I knew I had to get back here, to you. I knew you'd do something stupid." His eyes widened and he subconsciously pulled the long sleeves of his sweat shirt over his hands. She didn't notice and he smiled and kissed her. "Anyways, I got out of the building and hid in a dumpster until there was nobody else around, and then I ran off down the round and hid behind a big tree and passed out. When I woke up, I continued in the direction that my instincts told me would take me home. Cars passed, but nobody saw me, which was the idea. I never knew which car might hold some of Neilson's men. Eventually, I got home. Jesse saw me come into the computer room and froze up, I guess."
"I thought I was seeing things. We all thought you were dead." Jesse interrupted in his own defense. Shalimar nodded in understanding and smiled at him. By now, a healthy color had returned to her skin, and the old, familiar sparkle had returned to her eyes.
"Lexa, I guess, heard the noise I was making as I stumbled down the hallway or saw Jesse's face and came running in. She saw me, looked all shocked for a few seconds, and then I heard her scream for you." She smiled at Brennan. "You came running into the room, froze, then looked at Jesse and accused him of making a fake me or something," she laughed. "Then our eyes met and you came running over to me. I felt your arms around me and I finally felt safe. I don't really remember anything after that, and there seems to be days missing between the time I escaped and when I got here. I seem to recall only about eight days." She paused, "Is that right? Eight days?"
Brennan shook his head, "No, try nearly three weeks," his voice cracked with emotion. Shalimar hugged him gently, and then turned to Jesse wondering if she really wanted to ask the question that had been pushing to the front of her mind since she'd woken up.
"Jesse," she began then paused.
"Yeah?" He prompted after several seconds of silence.
"Did he-? Can I still...you know...get pregnant?" Tears filled her eyes, dreading his answer.
"Yes, Shalimar." She breathed a heavy sigh of relief and felt Brennan's hand tighten on hers. "He left no permanent internal damage. You can still have kids." She smiled at him gratefully. She felt Brennan's arm envelop her waist and she leaned into his embrace with a loving smile.
"Okay, now that you know that, let's get back to the story. How did you get away from Neilson in the first place? I mean, obviously he had you tied. He was nuts, not stupid." Lexa asked. Shalimar dropped her gaze from them in shame before answering, her eyes focused on the white bed sheets. She fiddled with the soft fabric, not daring to meet Brennan's eyes when she spoke.
"He was going to let the other feral...have her way with me, so, when she did... I faked it. Then I begged her to let me touch her, and she did. She cut my bonds, then I attacked them and that's basically it." She said rapidly, eyes still fixated on the white linens.
"That feral raped you!?" Brennan exclaimed furiously.
"Sort of," she shrugged. "She thought I was doing it willingly. It was odd. After everything she'd done to Jesse and Lexa, I felt this sympathy coming from her after what Neilson did to make you think I was dead. It made it easier for my plan to work. She was willing to trust me."
"But she raped you."
"Yes. Technically. But she didn't climax, and she didn't think that I didn't want her to."
"Why are you defending her?!" He exclaimed angrily, leaping from his seat and facing her furiously. He didn't understand how she could stick up for the woman who had tortured and nearly killed their friends and who had raped and nearly killed her.
"I'M NOT! I just don't want you to go after her and get yourself caught and killed!" Her voice broke into a sob. "I KNOW what she did to me! I FELT the pain when her nails dug into my back! A searing, blinding, excruciating pain! I SAW the blood on Lexa and Jesse from where she attacked them! I KNOW what she's capable of and I don't want you to have to feel what we felt! Because I can guarantee you that she'll be a lot worse now that Neilson's dead! If she catches you, she won't fail to kill you! I AM NOT DEFENDING THAT BITCH!" She exclaimed, gesturing wildly in the general direction of the factory. Tears streaked her face, "I just can't let her hurt you like she hurt us! I WON'T! I WON'T LET HER HURT ANOTHER PERSON THAT I LOVE! ESPECIALLY NOT YOU! Never you, never," She sobbed. Brennan quickly pulled her into a tight hug, holding her shaking body against his chest. He kissed her hair. He cupped her face in his hands and watched the tears run down her cheeks.
"Okay," He whispered, kissing her gently, pulling her back into his arms. "Okay, I get it. I'm sorry, shhh, baby I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you or doubted your actions. I'm sorry. Shh, baby, I'm sorry, please don't cry. I can't stand to see you cry. I'm sorry."
"Please, Brennan. Please promise me you won't go after her. Please," she begged tearfully.
"I promise," he said quickly, kissing away her tears. "I was just...angry. Frustrated. For the past three weeks I've felt nothing but guilt! I kept asking myself: how could I have left you there? What could I've done differently? Why wasn't I there to protect you?" His voice broke and he wiped away a tear that fell from his eye. "I love you. I swore to myself I would never let anything happen to you. And I failed. God, I failed miserably..." he pushed himself up off the bed and walked over to stand facing into a corner of the room, hand covering his face, shoulders shaking.
Shalimar got shakily, painfully to her feet. Her legs almost gave out beneath her, but Jesse grabbed her arms and steadied her. She made her way slowly over to Brennan and put her arms around him, kissing his shoulder gently. "You didn't fail. I made my own decisions that day. I failed you." He turned to face her, putting his arms around her waist.
"You could never fail me." He kissed her forehead. "You kept your promise. I'll keep mine. But I still don't like the idea that that psycho is free to roam the streets."
"Maybe someday we'll catch her. But not today, not alone," she replied. He nodded and helped her back to the bed. She grumbled objectively. Brennan laughed and kissed her.
"What?" He laughed. She turned to Jesse.
"Jess, I love you, but these hospital beds are really, really uncomfortable." She gave him her best sad-puppy-dog eyes. "Can't I sleep in my own bed? I'll stay in bed and won't move. I'll be a good little out patient, but please, don't make me sleep in here." He smiled.
"Welcome to my world, babe, I spent nearly a week in here because someone," he eyed Lexa pointedly, "wouldn't let me leave." He smiled at Shalimar's expression of disappointment. "Well, I want to continue to monitor your condition for a little while. Think you can hang in there until maybe tomorrow night? Two nights at the most, I promise." She sighed melodramatically.
"I suppose." She yawned and her eyelids drooped visibly.
"Okay, way too much action for today, I think," Brennan said, helping her lay down. She winced visibly at least twice before she got comfortable. "I'm sorry; I shouldn't have gotten you so worked up after everything you've been through. You need your rest." Jesse and Lexa hugged her, and Jesse kissed her cheek before turning to leave.
"You have no idea how glad we are to have you back," Jesse said over his shoulder and he and Lexa joined hands and walked down the hallway together. Shalimar's eyes widened.
"Did I just see that? Did they- When?" She asked happily.
"A week or so ago...after...," he fell silent. "I guess near-death experiences really do bring people together." He smiled.
"Yeah, but they already liked each other." She yawned. "I guess they just needed that extra push."
"I guess so." He started to walk away but stopped when she hastily grabbed for his arm.
"Will you stay with me until I fall asleep," she asked, hoping she didn't sound as childish as she felt. He smiled warmly.
"Of course." He smiled, kissed her and turned off the lights. She fell asleep with him holding her hand, stroking her hair, and muttering his love into her ear.
A/N: I gave you an extra-long chapter to make up for my not updating, I hope you like it and review to let me know that I've not lost your amazing support. -Saph-