Part 52: Meet the Frying Pan

They managed to beat back the dirty creatures to an area on the other side of the cemetery road using a lot of tai chi throwing moves.

It was something at least.

Buffy spun in a roundhouse kick and whooped when dirty guy stumbled back half a step. Her victory was short-lived as another one tackled her from behind. She managed to twist herself free of its grasp before hitting the ground. She rolled away and rocked herself back to her feet.

They were fighting three-to-one, not terrible odds but not great. Problem was they were also fighting things that didn't get tired unlike, say, a baker's dozen worth of Slayers and one Watcher.

Buffy drew a deep breath and retreated a little more, eyes fixed on the battle raging among the graves. There has to be a weakness. There has to be, she desperately thought. At best we're fighting to a draw and time's on their side. They can wait us out and win.

Try as hard as she might, she simply couldn't see a pattern. There was no landed punch, to strike, no kick that revealed a weak spot. She shouldn't have been surprised. In essence they were fighting animated inanimate objects, not flesh-and-blood things with Achilles heels.

Tammi got kicked out of play and momentum bounced her across the ground. Buffy took off to retrieve her and help her to her feet.

"So much for Xander's rule," Tammi grumbled as she grasped Buffy's hand.

"Xander's rule? I'm afraid to ask."

"When all else fails, go for the eyes. Everything has eyes."

"Yeesh," Buffy cringed. "Was this before or after Caleb?"

"Before." Tammi gave her head a hard shake. "Do you see eyes? I don't see eyes."

"Yeah, well, it is good advice," Buffy admitted, trying very hard to make the image of Xander's blood-covered agonized face go away. "Except, y'know, when it's not."

"GUYS!" Andrea screamed as seven dirt bags converged on her position.

"Time for me to hit them with my face a little more," Tammi remarked. "Coming?"

"In a sec. Trying to see if there's a fighting pattern or a weakness we can exploit," Buffy said, eyes desperately scanning the fight.

"Don't take too long, o great leader," Tammi snipped as she zipped back in the fray.

Buffy bit her lip. "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon. Damn it! Show me something!"

Her desperate study was interrupted when she saw Giles backhanded to the ground. "Hey!" she yelled as she rocketed towards the offending thing. "Hands off my Watcher!"

Willow was glowing so brightly that was hard to make out her features.

Faith looked around the cavern and softly whistled as she took in the glittering multicolored stalactites and stalagmites, the ornate carvings on the walls, and the Grail—at long last with a capital 'G' in her mind—set on a raised stone platform. Only two words for it: Wicked. Awesome.

Catherine's eyes widened, her dark eyes reflecting the glory of the Grail. She hungrily surged forward, but was stopped when Faith's arm shot out, checking her in her progress.

The Watcher Honoria spun around into a fighting stance.

"Wait," Faith cautioned, "no way it's gonna be that easy."

"Sorry," Catherine hunched. "I just…we need…"

"I know," Faith nodded at her. She jerked her head to the walls. "Yo! Dawn! Are we just looking at pretty, or is there something useful over there?"

Dawn cautiously stepped forward, eyes scanning the carvings. "So far, pretty. Nothing so far…wait!" She touched the rock face, fingers tapping over the carvings. "I'm seeing something resembling ogham in this."

"Ogham?" Faith asked.

"Celtic alphabet." Dawn swore under her breath. "Not overly familiar with this one but at least I've seen it before. I can pick out the repeating pattern and I know a few words but…I need time."

"Take it," Faith agreed. "Andrew? Witchy-poo?"

"Witchy-poo?" Willow asked.

"We're going to check out the area around the Grail."

Catherine cleared her throat. "Excuse me, but I do believe…"

"Fine. J'Nal can come with," Faith sighed.

"But…" Catherine began her protest.

"Question. What happens if the snake gets by our backwatchers?" Faith asked as she mentally added, Damn, I rock. Worth us taking a first look at this thing. I don't fucking care what Xander's journal says about it not belonging to us.

Catherine studied her through narrowed eyes, a clear sign that the Watcher Honoria knew she was being played and played but good.

Faith maintained as close to an innocent expression as she could get.

"Ruda," Catherine started, eyes not leaving Faith's face, "stand guard at the entrance. Charlie, take Tikri off to the side and wait."

"But…" Charlie began.

"I don't want to risk you if I can help it," Catherine interrupted. "There's still fighting going on and we might need your skills later rather than sooner."

"Oh goody," Tikri muttered. "More quality time for the two of us."

Catherine leaned over. "For the record, I'm not happy about this."

"For the record, you said you wouldn't even be here if you were in our shoes." Faith suspected that her –rah and –sen titles were getting flushed down Catherine's mental toilet during this battle of wills. Fuck it. She wasn't in the mood for diplomacy games. Catherine can't deal? Her fucking problem.

Catherine let out an irritated huff of breath, drew her sword, and went to stand by Ruda.

Faith turned, grabbed Andrew by the scruff of the neck, ignored his squeaky protest, and cautiously approached the Grail. Time seemed to slow down as Faith let every Slayer sense reach out just in case whoever put the Grail here packed in one last punch to the gut. No one was more shocked than she was when the four of them reached the raised platform without one whiff of a trap.

"Too. Fucking. Easy." Faith glowered at the Grail as if it had ruined her good time.

"With you," Willow nodded as she slowly circled platform, no doubt looking for hidden surprises.

"I say count our blessings," Andrew said in a nervous-cheerful voice. "The D-8 came up in our favor."

"Oh crap!" Dawn's voice echoed. "Looks like there's another language tangled up with the ogham. I can't read it."

Faith's eyes didn't leave the Grail, mostly because she was afraid that a break in her attention might lead to trouble. "Why not?" she called back. "Not of this world?"

"Unh, sort of. It looks more demon-y than future-y, but I'm not sure," Dawn's answer echoed back.

"Andrew? Go look," Faith ordered.

The guy practically saluted and beat feet over to Dawn's position. Within moments everyone had an answer. "S'nargle. I sort of know this one. Looks like they were swapping letters and words between the two languages." Andrew's voice had shifted to certainty as he engaged the one talent he had over everyone else in Cleveland.

"Can you translate?" Willow asked.

"Sort of," Andrew said, his voice suddenly less sure, "I think between Dawn and me we've got a good chance at success."

"Do it. See if there's something we should know tucked in there," Faith said as Willow completed her circuit.

"I got nothin'," Willow frowned.

"No writing on the platform anywhere," J'Nal said. "Only writing I see is on the Grail itself."

Faith looked at Willow. "You wanna do it? Or should I?"

"Do you think that's wise?" J'Nal asked. "Maybe I should…"

"We'll do it," Faith stated. "Not that I'm hyped about the chances of us getting even close."

"Don't wanna do it any more than you do, but there's only one way we're going to find out if there's a trap of the booby kind," Willow pointed out.

"Right. Me Slayer. Me do," Faith nodded. She reached out, half expecting an axe to swoop down from the ceiling and cut her hand clean off.

What she got instead was a little bit of a shock.

Actually, it was more like a big shock.

Just as her fingertips crossed the edge of the stone platform, Faith felt an electric current drill its way through every nerve ending. She let out an agonized scream as her back hyperextended before she was blown across the room. The grey haze of pain shut down into black when she hit the rock wall.

Xander swiped away the sweat on his forehead with his left sleeve while his right hand clutched his handful of nuts.

ROOOOWWWWWWWL!
(Know what I love? Dumb dinners. Staying put in the same place is just not smart.)

Christ, that thing sounded yooooooge.

"Anyone else feel like running?" Sally asked.

"If we start running, just follow the Violet-shaped blur," Vi nervously giggled.

"It's official. Things are now fucked," Xander grumbled.

RUMMMMMMROAR!
(I'm gonna getchya little dinner. I'm gonna getchya right now…)

"They weren't before?" Robin asked as he poised himself for a first-class pitcher's throw.

"Vi's flying her geek colors. That's never of the good," Xander explained.

"Geek colors?" Robin asked.

Before Xander could answer, a reptilian snout poked its nose into their suddenly too-small retreat.

"Hol-eeee shit," Barbara prayed.

"That is One. Big. Snake," Robin agreed.

A tongue flicked out, causing Xander to jump.

"Hold your fire until we see the whites of its eyes," Robin ordered.

"Unh, Robin? We lost at Bunker Hill," Xander nervously said, "I slept through middle school and high school history and even I know that."

"Got a better idea?" Robin asked.

HISSSSSS!
(One…two…three…ready or not, here I come!)

Xander turned his head to look at Robin to his right. "Can we run now?"

The snake thrust its head through at lightening speed, forcing the intrepid sextet to back up slightly faster.

HIIIIIIIISSSSSS!
(Goody! I get to play with dinner!)

"Now!" Robin shouted.

All six let loose with—and Xander would be the first to admit this—a pathetically small volley of walnuts, all of which landed square on the snake's snout.

For a brief moment, the universe held its breath while the six waited to see what happened and the snake—which looked rather surprised for something that went through life with a fixed expression—stared back.

"Well, that went over about as well as a fart in a space suit," Xander dryly remarked.

RUR?
(The hell?)

"You and your goddamn jokes," Robin hissed as Xander loaded his crossbow and everyone else drew their swords.

"I told you, but did you listen? Nooooooooo," Xander snarled back as he let loose with a bolt, aiming for the monster's eye. Never let it be said that he wasn't willing to use a tactic that was once used on himself to great effect.

The snake moved—Christ! How can something that big slither so fast?— and the bolt missed its mark, bouncing harmlessly off the scales.

Xander retreated to load his crossbow again while Robin yelled, "Attack!" and lead the charge forward.

TBC…