Part 53: Philosophy of the Slay: A Group Project by Buffy Summers, Faith Lanoire, and Alexander Harris

THWAK!

WHAP!

SMACK!

"You know…" Kennedy sounded almost philosophical. A neat trick since she was also out of breath. "Being a Slayer? Not nearly as much fun as I thought it would be."

WHAM!

POW!

CRUNCH!

"Never is," Buffy replied. "Duck!"

"Duck? Where?" Kennedy asked.

A dirt monster slammed a fist into the back of Kennedy's head, knocking her down. In a smooth move, she rolled and back-flipped on to her feet.

"That never gets old." It was Buffy's turn to sound philosophical. She crouched as a hand whistled through the empty air over her head.

"Glad you're amused," Kennedy dryly replied.

KICK!

KER-CHUNK!

BAM!

"Yeah, well, I make fun because I love," Buffy said.

FLIP! FLIP! FLIP!

SLAM!

WHAPA-WHAPA-WHAPA!

"Seriously, though," Kennedy threw a haymaker at the closest target. "How can you tell the difference between a good fight and a bad fight?"

POW! POW! POW!

SWISH!

OW!

Buffy scrambled to her feet, trying not to rub the bruise that she just knew was forming on her cheekbone. "A good fight…" she paused as she danced away from a rapidly arriving elbow to her face. She tried again. "A good fight is when you don't have to trowel on the make-up the next morning to hide the black-and-blue badness."

"Ahhhh," Kennedy nodded as she tore a small headstone out of the ground and tossed it at a dirt man's head. "And a bad fight?"

One of the dirty many grabbed Buffy by her collar and lifted her off the ground. She had just enough time to say, "I think this pretty much qualifies."

KER-BLAM!

The world resolved into black and white. Faith shook her head to bring color back into her vision, only to have it explode into angry reds and bright oranges.

And pain. Can't forget the pain.

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck," she softly groaned.

"She's coming to!" shouted a male voice.

Faith blindly reached out, grabbed hold of some cloth, and shook. "Shut. Up."

"Gug…"

A hand curled around her fistful of cloth. "Faith, you're strangling Charlie," a soft voice said.

Faith let go, registered the sound of someone falling backwards, and slit open her eyes to see the worried face of Catherine looking down at her.

"Welcome back to the world," the Watcher Honoria grinned. "Your flight was interrupted by a wall."

She heard some muffled sounds of fighting echoing through the chamber.

"Wha…" Faith began.

"We think they found the snake. Or it found them," Willow's worried face popped into view.

"Can you get up?" Catherine asked.

Faith crawled stiffly to her feet and felt the familiar kick followed by a tingle signaling that superfast healing was finally getting to work. While there was no way she'd be at 100 percent any time before tomorrow, at least she'll be able to move without passing out.

"Ruda?" Faith asked.

"Standing by the entrance in case the monster on the other side gets past the others," Catherine said. "You were injured just about the time the fight started, so she's staying put. She knows her duty."

"Go," Faith winced at the sound of her own voice echoing in her head. "Sounds to me if it gets by Xander, Robin, and the others we'll knee deep in the shit. I'll get over there as soon as I find my head."

Catherine nodded and swirled away.

Faith's vision greyed slightly and she felt Willow's hand catch her elbow.

"Turn down the light, will ya? You're not fucking helping," Faith complained.

"Sorry." Willow mumbled a word and killed her glow, plunging the cavern into darkness. Scattered headlamp lights indicated where everyone was.

"HEY!" several voices shouted in unison.

"I'll turn it on in a sec!" Willow shouted back, causing Faith to wince at the volume. "Faith's all headache-y, so let me help her first."

"Shit," Faith hissed as her hands slowly traveled up her face. She felt cuts and bruises, but no headband.

"Your personal light got a little crunchy in the fall," Willow said.

"Ah. An' whaddya doin' here?" Her mouth felt like it was full of cotton. "Grail?"

"J'Nal figured he better do some tests and see if he can't breach the barrier before we try again." Willow jerked her head in the direction Faith guessed the Grail was located.

The Slayer leaned against the cavern wall to get her bearings and—slowly, slowly, she reminded herself—opened her eyes a little wider and looked around.

In the center of the chamber J'Nal was pacing around the raised platform, hands gracefully gesturing in front of him, as the air around the Grail crackled and slightly glowed.

"He's exciting the molecules that are holding the spell together," Willow explained, not that Faith could really follow what she was saying. "It's not exactly an anti-spell, more like oblique force the makes the spell turn on itself. Think of it as hitting something at an angle instead of head on or in a T-crash."

"Do you understand it?" Faith asked.

Willow threw the other witch a worried look. "Sort of. The mechanics are pretty clear-cut, but I'm not entirely sure how you can do something like that without setting off a an out-of-control chain reaction."

"Which would be bad?"

"Ever hear of nuclear bomb?"

"Well, yeah."

"Same principle, only you've got it happening on a controlled, microscopic level. One wrong step and all the cute little booms become one big fatal boom."

"Terrific." Faith finally felt brave enough to stand on her feet without support. "Why didn't you do something like that before I stuck my finger in a goddamn light socket?"

"I didn't know you could do something like that," Willow admitted. "J'Nal explained it to me. Theory I get. Practice? Too scared to even try."

Faith swallowed down the nauseous feeling. "So what you're telling me is that their witch could beat our witch if it came to a smackdown?"

Willow's eyebrows lowered and there was a flash of something in her eyes that immediately made Faith regret even thinking of asking that question. Without a doubt, when it came to magic, Willow had a pride in her talents that could easily be of the before-the-fall variety.

"Tough call," all trace of Geek Girl was gone from Willow's voice. "It's not that he's more powerful, I know I have that on my side. It's just that he really knows how to use what he's got."

"Let's not test it," Faith quickly said.

Willow gave her a tight nod, and went over to Dawn and Andrew, once against powering up her inner light as she traversed the cavern.

Faith let out a breath, swiped her hair out of her face, and tried to calm her screaming Slayer sense. Fuck me. And Xander called her Tinkerbell? Boy's an idiot or has a death wish. Can't figure out which.

Barbara flipped way from the snake's flashing jaws. While a nice move, one Xander certainly could appreciate for its sheer Gold Medal-worthy beginning, if he were the Russian judge he'd be shaving points off for her landing.

Especially since she landed right into him.

He fell to the ground tangled up with one yelping Slayer and watched helplessly as his crossbow skittered away from him.

"Barbara," he began as he extracted himself and yanked the girl to her feet, "word of advice: when you're surrounded by people helping you fight in close quarters, do not go all Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon."

"Sorry," she apologized.

Robin danced backwards and Xander discovered that he really, really wanted that sword in the other man's hands, especially since he'd lost his primary weapon and all he had was a tiny throwing axe that would do shit-all against a scale-clad monster with big sharp teeth.

Vi had managed to get close and give the snake a good jab with her sword, but didn't manage to draw blood.

HISSSSS!
(Hey! Watch where you're sticking that thing!)

With a flick of a tail, Vi discovered that sliding on gravel hurt like hell, something Xander could've told her considering he'd had so much experience.

Robin reached his side, "Okay, walnuts didn't work. Can you remember anything else?"

Xander hungrily coveted his neighbor's sword, but since knocking Robin out and stealing his weapon was a good idea only in the world of video games, he would just have to live with the burning envy.

"Something about teamwork splitting the team…" Xander began.

"Guys! Help!" Lisa screamed as she kept smacking the snake in the snout as its tongue harassed her.

GGRRRRR!
(Hold still little mousy. Hoooooold stiilllll….)

"Vi, Barbara, Sally! Help her!" Robin snapped while Xander desperately searched his brain for the words that he once believed were burned into it.

"Wait, that's it!" Xander reached out and grabbed Robin. "Teamwork that splinters the team. We have to split up again!"

"Are you out of your mind!" Robin yelled back.

"No, no! It makes sense," Xander waved at the cave that lead to the others. "If that thing is guarding the grail…"

"Looks more like it's trying to eat us," Robin pointed out.

"Whatever. But we have to get it away from the entrance and we've got four tunnels to choose from to make it chase us. The one we came in and the three spares," Xander said.

Four Slayers let out a unified yelp as the snake tried to scoop them up in one swallow.

Robin let out a huff of breath. "Worth a shot."

"Right," Xander nodded as he charged over to the Slayers. "Ladies, we gotta split up!"

"Head for one of the tunnels," Robin shouted as he followed Xander. "Make a lot of noise when you get in there so we'll be able to draw it down at least one of the passages."

"Are you nuts?" Sally bounced away from the snake on the balls of her feet, sword at the ready.

"We have to draw that thing away, so try to get it to chase you," Xander said as he edged for one of the three tunnels. "Maybe we can trap it in there and finish it off. Meet back here when you figure out that it's not chasing you."

"This has to be the stupidest idea," Vi growled as she grabbed Barbara and charged for one of the tunnels.

"Right!" Sally agreed as she grabbed Lisa and zipped to a different tunnel.

Xander sprinted to a tunnel while he heard Robin's sword make a dull metallic clang against the snake's skin, probably to distract monster-breath while they all made a break for it. He stumbled into the narrow passage and retreated from the entrance, looking around for some good-sized rocks to toss around.

He was probably going to go to hell for thinking this, but he really hoped that their slithery opponent would go after someone who was actually able to outrun it, say, a Slayer.

While his back was turned to the entrance, something heavy landed into his backside. Without thinking he twisted around, dropped into a crouch, and shot out a kick in a move Catherine taught him.

"Shit!" was followed very quickly by a metallic clanking sound.

As Xander spun back into a standing position, he saw the following:

1. Robin was on the ground clutching his knee and;

2. Robin was unarmed.

"What the hell are you doing here!" Xander shouted. "You're supposed to get your own damn tunnel!"

"I didn't know you were in here!" Robin shouted back. "Ow! Knee! Why…"

"I didn't know it was you," Xander helped Robin to his feet. "I thought you were the snake."

"And, what, kicking it in the nose is going to kill it?" Robin asked as he flexed his right knee.

"Worth a shot if you think you're going to be eaten," Xander pointed out. "I, uh, can you still run if you have to?"

"Hurts like a son of a bitch, but the adrenalin tells me I'll pay later instead of now," Robin gingerly put his weight on his right leg. "Nice shot, by the way."

"Yeah, well, while you're complimenting me, you're unarmed. We're both unarmed."

Robin glanced around, his light flashing among the rocks. "Well, that sucks. Can you see anything silver-ish?"

ROAAAAR?
(Hey? Where'd everyone go?)

Xander could dimly hear the distant, echo-y voices of the girls yelling and shouting to get the snake's attention.

HIISSSSS! RAWL!
(You know? I'm not happy about this. I'm hungry damn it!)

Xander and Robin exchanged glances as they saw the coils dance in front of the entrance to their passage.

"I was just thinking…" Xander began.

"That we're both really stupid for not each grabbing a Slayer to partner with us instead of ending up with each other while that thing decides if it wants white or dark meat?" Robin whispered back.

"Ooooh, you very much read my mind," Xander nodded. "Especially since if it comes after us, it'll get both white and dark meat."

"You just had to bring up that together we're a veritable feast for the monster pallet, didn't you?"

"Yeah, well, count on me to always find that lower place."

RRRRROOOOOAAAARRRR!
(Come back here and fight you chickens! I'll take you all on!)

"That thing sounds angry," Robin observed.

"You think?"

GRRROWL!
(I'm waiting!)

"What do you want to bet that thing's coming down this passage?" Xander asked.

"Not a bet. Because we're both stupid and deserve to get eaten."

"Speak for yourself paleface."

Robin blinked at him. "I'm pretty sure that's the first time someone's called me that."

"Would you prefer I call you MC Woodster?"

"You've never heard my 'Do the ABC' rap that I used back in my student-teaching days," Robin said. "All the first graders dug it."

Xander paused a moment, studying Robin's face. "You know what? I believe you."

SNUFFFLE. GRR. GRR. GRR. GRR.
(Fine. Be like that. Eeeny-meeny-miny-mo.)

"If I didn't know any better…" Robin began.

"…you'd say it was doing an eeny-meeny-miny-mo dealie?" Xander asked. "Think we can hope for rock-paper-scissors?"

"Think it'll change the outcome?" Robin asked as he slowly began backing away.

"Probably not. But we can hope, right?" Xander asked as he kept pace with Robin's quiet back-away-slowly plan.

HIIIISSSSSSS!
(That one!)

Upon seeing the snake thrust its very, very huge head into the entrance of their passage, Robin and Xander did what any sane, manly men with very strong survival instincts would do.

They turned tail and ran while letting out a very girly scream.

"FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

Rest assured it was a girly scream, even if the language wasn't what anyone would call lady-like.

ROWWWWLLLLLLL!
(Oh goody! White and dark meat!)

"Move! Move! Move!" Xander yelled as he grabbed a falling behind Robin and yanked him forward.

"You move!" Robin yelled back while he grabbed Xander, who was now behind him, and yanked him forward.

Adrenalin must've been working overtime to improve Xander's eyesight in his one eye, since he was able scramble over and around the scattered obstacles without breaking his neck.

Then again, fear of a very painful death has a way of spurring men on to feats of superhuman greatness.

They both stumbled over random rocks that seemed placed just right to make running all but impossible. It didn't help that they were busy "helping" each other over the rough spots, although this helping seemed to mostly involve yanking and dragging the other guy over some pretty sharp surfaces.

It was a race to see what would kill them first: one angry, hungry, giant snake or blood loss because they were bleeding from multiple cuts and scrapes.

HISSSSSSSSSSS!
(Crap! I'm stuck!)

As neither Robin or Xander spoke Parseltongue, er, Giant Snake, they were unaware that they were saved by the narrowing passage until Robin's taller body smacked its head on a low-hanging rock.

Xander, suddenly realizing that his comrade-in-terror had dropped like a sack of potatoes somewhere behind him, stopped and turned around. Good thing too, as he was less than three inches away from joining Robin in knocked out land.

"Robin," Xander desperately hissed as he ran to his fallen comrade's side.

HISS-RUR-HISSSSSSSSSSSS!
(Goddamn it! What? Ow! Ow! I knew I picked the wrong meal! Should've gone with the faster food.)

Xander desperately tugged Robin into a sitting position as the principal's head lolled. He noticed the headlamp was well and truly cracked and that a trickle of blood was seeping from underneath the headband.

"Shit. Notnownotnownotnownotnow…" Xander prayed as he removed Robin's now-useless light source. As he steadied himself to try throwing the taller man over his shoulder in a fireman's carry, he registered that the snake hadn't caught them yet.

GROWL!
(I can't believe this!)

While there was definitely sounds of one nutso, angry, possibly famished snake nearby, there was nothing sounding like slithering to go with it.

"Hunh," Xander said as the thought occurred to him. Knowing that what he was about to do probably wasn't the smartest thing he'd ever done, he carefully laid Robin back down and picked his way back down the tunnel.

His light flashed ahead, picking up the iridescent scales. Xander froze and let the light traverse to the snake's head. Upon seeing its failed dinner plans so tantalizingly close, the snake opened and snapped shut its mouth in a thoroughly unfriendly manner.

But, and this was a big but, it didn't move forward, even though Xander could see the snake was doing its best by the way the muscles undulated underneath the skin.

"Heh." The sound escaped. Xander slapped a hand over his mouth, not quite able to stifle the very unmanly giggly laughter fighting to break free.

RUUUURRR!
(Come closer pal and see how funny it is!)

Xander stood up. "What's big, ugly, has the brain of a walnut, and couldn't outwit gym teacher?"

The snake glared back. If Xander didn't know any better, he'd think the snake could understand him.

Not that it was at all possible, of course.

"Why," he said in an airy voice. "that would be you!" For good measure, he stuck his tongue out and did the hootchie dance that made him world famous in Kindergarten and made Willow laugh until milk blew out her nose.

GRRRRRR!
(We'll see who's the walnut brain around here. Just you wait…)

Xander deliberately turned his back on snake breath, tossing over his shoulder, "Man! It's been so long since I got in some quality taunting. I sooooo needed that. Thanks for the funny. Worth every penny. Let's not do this again real soon."

GRUMP!
(When I get out of here, you're first!)

"Yeah, yeah," Xander muttered as he crouched beside Robin. He gently lifted an eyelid to see what kind of concussion Robin had. The bright light shining in his eye seemed to bring Robin violently around and the former principal gagged slightly as if he were going to be sick.

"Ayup, a beaut you've got there," Xander grumbled. "Lucky me. I get to drag your ass all over the place."

Robin moaned.

"C'mon," Xander unhappily growled as he wrestled Robin into an unsteady standing position and pulled the other man's arm around his shoulders. "Let's take it one step at a time, 'kay?"

Robin wobbily nodded. "Where?"

"You. In a cavern. With a big rock," Xander stumbled a little under the other man's weight.

"Whaaaa?"

"You knocked yourself out, dummy," Xander began moving forward. He very quickly got the idea that this task was going to be a little bigger than he originally expected. Once again the one-eye having was causing problems with his balance, a balance that was made all the more precarious by Wood heavily hanging off his blind side.

"Couldda happen' to 'one," Robin protested.

"Maaaan, you've got to loose some weight," Xander muttered.

"S'all muscle."

"You mean Andrew's cooking. His mac 'n cheese recipe is a cardiologist's vacation home on a plate."

"That's to show how much he wuuuuuvs you."

"No. He wuvs Enrique Iglesias. I know because he talks in his sleep."

"He wuvs you and Enrique. On a half-shell. Wearing togas." Robin started giggling at the imagery in his head involving peeled grapes, lyres, and a disturbing number of strategically placed laurel leaves.

"Ugh, just when I think you can't get any weirder, you top my expectations."

"Nice Xander. Pretty Xander. Almost as pretty as me."

"Now I know you're delirious. I'm waaaaay prettier than you."

"In your dreams pal."

"Hey! Who's carrying who here?"

"Dragging."

"What?"

"Not carrying. Dragging."

"For someone with a bleeding head wound, you're pretty lucid about complaining."

"Fine." Robin pulled away and stood on his feet. He woozed back and forth until nearly toppling over. As Xander caught him before he hit the ground he said, "You know? I could've sworn there was only one floor a few minutes ago."

"And that boys and girls is a sign of a Class A concussion," Xander remarked as he hefted Robin to get a better grip on the man. "I should know. I'm the king of concussions. No. Wait. Only the prince. Giles has had more, but only because he's older."

"Headache," Robin gritted between his teeth as Xander started half-carrying, half-dragging him forward.

HISSSSSS! SNARL!
(Get back here! You think you're escaping? Just you wait!)

"Oh shut uuuup," Xander muttered.

"Shhhh! Snake might hear you over the bells in my head."

"Please. Giganto monster it may be, but it's still a snake. My witty insults and razor sharp tongue are beyond the understanding of its smash-kill-eat walnut-sized brain."

GRRRUMMMMMP!
(I heard that! I'll show you who's the walnut brain around here!)

Xander looked nervously over his shoulder. "Hey, teach, can snakes crawl backwards?"

"No."

"You sure?"

Robin moaned a bit as his dizzy, hurting brain tried to come up with a reassurance that would make sense. He settled for simple. "Yes."

"Even giant demonic snakes?"

"Xander?"

"What?"

"Yer an ass. But yer a good egg. Yer a good egg ass."

"Aaaaalighty then. I'll take it as a compliment given in the heat of the giddy moment where you realize that we've been saved by idiot luck."

"Or is that the ass of a good egg?"

"See? Now you're pushing it."

TBC…