This is a semi-true tale about Mario working for SNK. Featuring characters
mainly from Nintendo SNK and Sega. It also contains sex, violence,
references to drugs, alcohol, and crap games, so enjoy it if you can, and
if this offends you, tough.
Mario working for SNK chapter 1: Nintendo gives Mario the sack
1993, The Nintendo head office in Osaka, Japan. It is here that the great Nintendo superstars such as Donkey Kong, Fox McCloud and unfortunately, Pikachu work to make their games. Nintendo big boss and family-friendly video game guru, Shigeru Miyamoto, sits at a desk, in a "Big Boss" type chair, surrounded by a game boy shaped laptop computer, and crappy Pokemon merchandise, holding a Cuban cigar. On the other side of the desk is Nintendo's mascot/ poster boy, everybody's favourite Italian plumber Mario, who is looking pretty nervous, since his last project was a huge flop.
Shigeru- do you know why I've summoned you here?
Mario- No, boss. Is it-a-because of the clogged up Koopa in the executive toilets? Because it-a-wasn't-a-me. I swear it was those jerks who did it. They set-a-me up, honest.
Shigeru- no I'll talk about that later, but it does explain why the bogs were smelling of turtle shit. Anyway, I'm here to talk about the last project.
Mario is looking nervous now, as he is starting to sweat.
Shigeru- you see, Mario, Dr. Mario was hands down one of the biggest disasters in Nintendo history, and I'm not talking about the game play. We got a shit load of complaints about the contents. One says right here "The game contained way too many drug references unsuitable for kids. I binned the abomination afterwards".
Mario-Oh come on, boss. They were only pills.
Shigeru- pills that contained vast amounts of high-class drugs such as Crack cocaine, LSD, Ecstasy, and Viagra, a drug which you were taking heavy doses in the game itself, setting a terrible example for kids. And one said "after playing that filthy game, my son died after a drug overdose" how do you explain that.
Mario-sorry, boss. I've-a-got issues.
Shigeru- not to mention you being the prime suspect of a drive-by shooting involving the Streets of rage characters, and the whole court case over the whole "Magic mushroom" scandal
Flashback to the mushroom kingdom, and Mario and Luigi are up in their mushroom-shaped flat. They are completely mashed with their eyeballs are all puffed up, needless to say, they've been trying the latest "magic mushrooms", after smoking their "fire flower" (the flower that the gives you firepower) and sniffing bits of stardust (the star that makes you invincible for a few seconds), all the drugs were supplied by their regular dealer, Toad.
Mario- Mama Mia, man. This is the shit. These mushrooms are fucking trippy, man. I feel like I'm 7 feet tall.
Luigi- you should try this stardust shit. Jesus, it makes you feel invincible, for a short while at least.
As they continue, All of a sudden, 2 cops dressed in mushroom hats break down their door, and are armed with pistols.
Both cops- FREEZE MOTHERFUCKERS!!! This is a raid!
Mario- MAMAMIA!!
Cop1- your under arrest for use and possession of illegal super mushrooms.
Luigi- Bullshit! There are mushrooms everywhere in this place!
Cop2- tell it to the judge, sunshine. You're nicked!
Back to the present day and Mario is looking more nervous than before
Shigeru- your recent antics have discredited this company. Did you know how much cash we lost in our 23 legal battles?
Mario- I'm sorry, boss. I'll make it up to you by remaking another super Mario game.
Shigeru- shut up! You're extreme behaviour has become a liability to this company. We're supposed to be a family company, with all sorts of cute characters doing innocent stuff.
Mario- gimme a break. You hired a tonguing lesbian icon and former porn star, Yoshi. Not to mention that womanizing gorilla, Donkey Kong, and on top of that, that Ganja smoking dragon thingy bob, Bowser.
Shigeru- well you have a point, there.
Mario- besides Cute is out, the public want an "in your face" rebel. Which explains why Sega and sonic has been whipping our asses on so many occasions.
Shigeru- it's too late, Mario. I'm afraid I have to let you go.
Mario- what do you mean, boss?
Shigeru- in English, YOU'RE FIRED!!!
Mario- NOOOOO!!!! (Just to rub it in, the "game over" theme from the Mario bros. Plays in the background)
Mario goes to soon to be former office to clear his desk. As he leaves, the rest of Nintendo's employees join in to give him a "warm" send off song.
Nintendo employees (including Donkey Kong, Koopas, Goombas, Fox McCloud, Link, etc.)- NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA AN, HEY HEY HEY, GOODBYE!! NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA AN, HEY HEY HEY, GOODBYE!!
Mario- fuck you!! They can't fire me I'm an artist, and an Italian one at that!! This is a discrimination, it's because I'm an Italian (does the Italian chin stroking hand gesture, then grabs a koopa turtle and hurls it at the heckling employees) you want to gimme a fucking send off, then I'll give you all a leaving gift.
In a fit of rage, Mario charges to the heckling crowd. He kicks a fair few asses but is eventually outnumbered, beaten up badly and thrown out of the building through a window, along with his stuff. Again, for a laugh his "game over theme" plays in the background.
Mario- BASTARDS!! I'll show you all, I'll get my vengeance, as soon as I can find employment.
What will Mario do next? will he ever work for another gaming company? Will Mario fan boys ever see their icon ever again? Tune in next time, where I'll reveal my theories on Sonic the hedgehog after I stop hallucinating from those "Magic mushrooms".
Note- The weird drugs that Mario was taking were inspired by the items from the Super Mario bros games. The "Magic mushrooms" were inspired by the super mushrooms, which make you big, after smoking the "fire weed" is the flower that the gives you firepower, and the "Stardust" is the star that makes you invincible for a few seconds. It makes you think how "Family Friendly, Nintendo really are, doesn't it?
Mario working for SNK chapter 1: Nintendo gives Mario the sack
1993, The Nintendo head office in Osaka, Japan. It is here that the great Nintendo superstars such as Donkey Kong, Fox McCloud and unfortunately, Pikachu work to make their games. Nintendo big boss and family-friendly video game guru, Shigeru Miyamoto, sits at a desk, in a "Big Boss" type chair, surrounded by a game boy shaped laptop computer, and crappy Pokemon merchandise, holding a Cuban cigar. On the other side of the desk is Nintendo's mascot/ poster boy, everybody's favourite Italian plumber Mario, who is looking pretty nervous, since his last project was a huge flop.
Shigeru- do you know why I've summoned you here?
Mario- No, boss. Is it-a-because of the clogged up Koopa in the executive toilets? Because it-a-wasn't-a-me. I swear it was those jerks who did it. They set-a-me up, honest.
Shigeru- no I'll talk about that later, but it does explain why the bogs were smelling of turtle shit. Anyway, I'm here to talk about the last project.
Mario is looking nervous now, as he is starting to sweat.
Shigeru- you see, Mario, Dr. Mario was hands down one of the biggest disasters in Nintendo history, and I'm not talking about the game play. We got a shit load of complaints about the contents. One says right here "The game contained way too many drug references unsuitable for kids. I binned the abomination afterwards".
Mario-Oh come on, boss. They were only pills.
Shigeru- pills that contained vast amounts of high-class drugs such as Crack cocaine, LSD, Ecstasy, and Viagra, a drug which you were taking heavy doses in the game itself, setting a terrible example for kids. And one said "after playing that filthy game, my son died after a drug overdose" how do you explain that.
Mario-sorry, boss. I've-a-got issues.
Shigeru- not to mention you being the prime suspect of a drive-by shooting involving the Streets of rage characters, and the whole court case over the whole "Magic mushroom" scandal
Flashback to the mushroom kingdom, and Mario and Luigi are up in their mushroom-shaped flat. They are completely mashed with their eyeballs are all puffed up, needless to say, they've been trying the latest "magic mushrooms", after smoking their "fire flower" (the flower that the gives you firepower) and sniffing bits of stardust (the star that makes you invincible for a few seconds), all the drugs were supplied by their regular dealer, Toad.
Mario- Mama Mia, man. This is the shit. These mushrooms are fucking trippy, man. I feel like I'm 7 feet tall.
Luigi- you should try this stardust shit. Jesus, it makes you feel invincible, for a short while at least.
As they continue, All of a sudden, 2 cops dressed in mushroom hats break down their door, and are armed with pistols.
Both cops- FREEZE MOTHERFUCKERS!!! This is a raid!
Mario- MAMAMIA!!
Cop1- your under arrest for use and possession of illegal super mushrooms.
Luigi- Bullshit! There are mushrooms everywhere in this place!
Cop2- tell it to the judge, sunshine. You're nicked!
Back to the present day and Mario is looking more nervous than before
Shigeru- your recent antics have discredited this company. Did you know how much cash we lost in our 23 legal battles?
Mario- I'm sorry, boss. I'll make it up to you by remaking another super Mario game.
Shigeru- shut up! You're extreme behaviour has become a liability to this company. We're supposed to be a family company, with all sorts of cute characters doing innocent stuff.
Mario- gimme a break. You hired a tonguing lesbian icon and former porn star, Yoshi. Not to mention that womanizing gorilla, Donkey Kong, and on top of that, that Ganja smoking dragon thingy bob, Bowser.
Shigeru- well you have a point, there.
Mario- besides Cute is out, the public want an "in your face" rebel. Which explains why Sega and sonic has been whipping our asses on so many occasions.
Shigeru- it's too late, Mario. I'm afraid I have to let you go.
Mario- what do you mean, boss?
Shigeru- in English, YOU'RE FIRED!!!
Mario- NOOOOO!!!! (Just to rub it in, the "game over" theme from the Mario bros. Plays in the background)
Mario goes to soon to be former office to clear his desk. As he leaves, the rest of Nintendo's employees join in to give him a "warm" send off song.
Nintendo employees (including Donkey Kong, Koopas, Goombas, Fox McCloud, Link, etc.)- NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA AN, HEY HEY HEY, GOODBYE!! NA NA NA NA, NA NA NA AN, HEY HEY HEY, GOODBYE!!
Mario- fuck you!! They can't fire me I'm an artist, and an Italian one at that!! This is a discrimination, it's because I'm an Italian (does the Italian chin stroking hand gesture, then grabs a koopa turtle and hurls it at the heckling employees) you want to gimme a fucking send off, then I'll give you all a leaving gift.
In a fit of rage, Mario charges to the heckling crowd. He kicks a fair few asses but is eventually outnumbered, beaten up badly and thrown out of the building through a window, along with his stuff. Again, for a laugh his "game over theme" plays in the background.
Mario- BASTARDS!! I'll show you all, I'll get my vengeance, as soon as I can find employment.
What will Mario do next? will he ever work for another gaming company? Will Mario fan boys ever see their icon ever again? Tune in next time, where I'll reveal my theories on Sonic the hedgehog after I stop hallucinating from those "Magic mushrooms".
Note- The weird drugs that Mario was taking were inspired by the items from the Super Mario bros games. The "Magic mushrooms" were inspired by the super mushrooms, which make you big, after smoking the "fire weed" is the flower that the gives you firepower, and the "Stardust" is the star that makes you invincible for a few seconds. It makes you think how "Family Friendly, Nintendo really are, doesn't it?