Mario Working for SNK chapter 5- "Passenger 69 attack of the "Terrorpins".
After beating team Capcom in the SWF Main event, Mr. Kawasaki has rewarded his employees a well deserved holiday. Mario, after recovering from an intense slim-fast diet (where he lost 200lbs after the SWF show was over), and after the magic mushroom filled four in a bed sex romp with Tina Armstrong, R. Mika, and Bowser's Daughter, and after been beaten down by the 3 the next morning, is still up in his flat, watching TV (if anyone cares, he's watching NWA: TNA, with AJ Styles taking on the Amazing red). The door then knocks as Postboy (see chapter 3 for details) delivers yet another important letter.
Mario- what the fuck do you want now?
Postboy- this came especially for you Mr. Mario. It's from Mr. Kawasaki.
Mario- gimme that (snatches the letter from Postboy, then opens it) this better be good...
Mario opens the letter and inside I a big fuck-load of cash. Needless to say, dollar signs start to appear in his eyes.
Mario (grinning like a fuckwit)- CH-CHING!!! OH YES! NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M ON ABOUT! (sees the note that came inside). Huh? What's this?
Mario reads the note inside the letter, and it reads...
Dear Mario,
As a reward for your excellent performance in the SWF show, I've given you and your colleagues the week off with pay. And as an added bonus, for winning the pay per view, saving the SWF, and shoving it up the arse of Capcom, I've also decided to give you tickets to the Mushroom Kingdom, along with your buddies, all expenses paid. Enjoy yourself, and try not to get into any mischief.
From
Mr. Kawasaki
Mario- nice, I've been meaning to take my workmates abroad, and thank fuck that I don't have to pay for it myself.
We now are in Southtown airport, where Terry and Kim have been waiting for Mario. He arrives and they get on their plane (which for some reason is shaped like a bomb's head, and named "The Banzai Bill"). The plane is piloted by a guy with an aviator jacket and a mushroom hat. Even the oh-so attractive flight attendants and the captain are wearing these, along with their usual uniforms. Terry and Kim are slightly freaked out by this, but Mario couldn't give a shit.
Terry- Uh, Mario. Is this the usual look for flight attendants on this plane?
Kim- yeah. I mean what's with the mushroom hats?
Mario- oh that. Don't worry, it's traditional headgear. Just like Sikhs wear Turbans, the Jews and Muslims wear Skull caps, and the Rastas wear those big beanie hats. Don't worry, this is usually a peaceful flight. Just enjoy the flight, see, their showing a movie.
The movie is shown, and for Mario, this isn't good at all. As tonight's movie shows something he'd hoped he'd never see again... "SUPER MARIO BROTHERS THE MOVIE"! Yes, the incredibly irrelevant and inaccurate feature length movie of Mario and Luigi. Terry, Kim and the rest of the passengers are in stitches, heck even the captain and the flight attendants couldn't stop pissing themselves with laughter. Mario however, is so embarrassed, his face goes bright red, and shrinks to half his size, as he squirms in humiliation. He obviously isn't too happy about secret movie disaster coming back and haunting him.
Everyone (except Mario)- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! (they all roll on the floor laughing).
Mario- NOOOOOOOO!!!! (does the Elias's Death scene from Platoon pose as the camera zooms out).
Terry- HAHAHA!! You never told me you had a movie based on you.
Kim- wow, that thing had me in stitches. Why didn't you tell us?
Mario (hiding under his seat, whilst dying of humiliation)- because they fucked it all up. I mean they got to play Bob Hoskins to play me and some Latino guy to Play Luigi, I mean they didn't even get the story right, they didn't even get the Goombas right. And what the fuck was Dennis Hopper doing playing as King Koopa?
Terry (giggles)- get over it, Mario. That was probably over a decade ago.
Mario- and it STILL gives me nightmares! And you wonder why I drink, take drugs, and have promiscuous sex, to ease the pain and to make up for and erase that crappy memory.
Thankfully for Mario, the movie is interrupted. Unfortunately it was interrupted by 2 spiky turtles with punk style Mohicans, trench-coats and balaclavas, armed with AK-47s, accompanied by 2 Koopa turtles, one dressed in a Beanie hat, and a bandana mask, the other in and Ski mask and a hooded jacket, along with a few Goombas dressed in a burglar masks and black & white stripes. It's Lemmy and Larry Koopa and their Koopa assistants, and they're here to hijack the plane.
Lemmy & Larry- FREEZE, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!! THIS IS A MOTHERFUCKING STICKUP!! NOBODY MOVE, OR I'LL BLOW OUT EACH AND EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU!!
Koopa 1- GIVE US ALL YOU BELONGINGS, ALL YOUR WATCHES, YOUR CASH, LARA CROFT PORN MAGS AND ANYTHING ELSE REMOTELY WORTH STEALING!!
The passengers, understandably, are scared shitless of the reptilian hi-jackers, and hand over whatever personal possessions they have to the gun-toting Koopas, as all valuables are put in a turtle shell-shaped bag with "swag" written on it. As if by coincidence, Lemmy and Larry stop Mario in crowd of passengers.
Larry- yeah, keep it coming, keep it...(stops Mario in the row of passengers), what the fuck? What are you doing here?
Mario- Oh, great it's you. As if I didn't have enough troubles, you 2 fuck ups appear.
Lemmy- well, well, well. If it isn't the Italian asshole himself. We've been looking to pay you back for a while.
Mario- get over it. You're sister want me and you can't deal with it. Get a life.
Larry- no, because of you she fell pregnant, but we had to fry the egg and turn it into an omelette because it was yours. How do you explain that?
Mario- whatever...
Koopa 2- well you'd better gimme all your belongings or else...we'll show you that Mario movie again and again for the rest of the flight. (to Terry) not only that, but we have a rare copy of "White shaft" to play as our next movie
Terry- AAAAHHH!! (Hands over his possessions)
After looting the large number of passengers on the plane, the koopa brothers, decided they would make their mark internationally.
Meanwhile, in mushroom kingdom, King Toadstool is busy in the main hall (mainly playing Mario party on the Game cube, on a large monitor), when all of a sudden a guard runs in to address the king with some urgent info.
Nameless Guard- your majesty, come quick we have urgent news from mushroom airlines.
King- it better be fucking important, I've almost finished this game (pauses the game). OK what is it.
Nameless Guard- look at the monitor.
They watch the large monitor, and to the king's surprise, we see the Koopa brothers holding the passengers hostage, as they are broadcasting a message through their laptop's web-cam.
Larry(TV)- hello, Kingy. This is Larry Koopa of the Koopa family. As you can see, we've taken the whole plane hostage, along with the passengers and the pilots. If you wanna see any of them alive and unharmed, you'll meet the following demands.
King- forget it. We're not in any position to give in to threats from international terrapins (please forgive me for that joke).
Lemmy(TV)- OK then. We have other methods of persuasion at our disposal. (grabs hold of Ash from Pokemon in the passengers seat, then puts a gun to his head) tell me what's your name?
Ash (shitting it)- M-My name is Ash
Lemmy(TV)- do you have a family Ash?
Ash- yeah just my mother and my pet Pikachu
Lemmy(TV)- see, King. Ash has a mother, and she, before jut refused our demands had a son!
In an act of sheer brutality, Lemmy fires the gun at Ash, point blank, causing his brains to be splattered all over the floor. Many passengers are terrified, but Mario, Kim and Terry couldn't give a shit. I mean not many people would actually miss him.
Terry(TV)- even though I wanna kick the shit out of them for hijacking us, I gotta admit, good job in killing Ash. Serves the bastard right for trying to steal my image.
Larry- oh, and if you still don't believe our threats are real, watch this.
All the hi-jackers lift up their shirts or open their coats/jackets, to reveal a vest with many "Bob-ombs" attached to it. The hostages are obviously scared shitless for their lives.
Hostages- AHHHHHH!!!!! BOB-OMBER JACKETS!!
Lemmy Larry- HAHAHA!! YES WE'RE SUICIDE BOB-OMBERS!!
Mario- RIGHT!! THAT'S IT!! (stands up and confronts the hostages).
Koopa1- what the fuck do you want?
Mario- Now hi-jacking this plane and taking us hostages are one thing, but bad terrorist jokes are where I draw the line.
Lemmy- face it, Mario. You're a washed up has been.
Mario (very angry)- WHAT!!!
Larry- you heard us. A has been, a fraud, and never was and never will be.
Mario- THAT'S IT I'm no fucking has been, I'm here to stay!! TERRY, KIM, LET'S KICK SOME TURTLES ARSE!!
So the SNK trio storm into battle against the terrapin terrorists. Despite being handicapped, outnumbered and unarmed, the trio more than hold their own against the Koopa hijackers. I mean their Nintendo characters for fuck's sake, so how are you going to take them seriously? Anyway Kim finishes the 2 goombas off with hi Hou'ou Kyaku HSDM, Terry hits the Koopas with the rising beat move from SVC Chaos, and Mario jumps on both the Koopa brothers, and like he did to them on many occasions, hurls them at the already beaten bodies of the "terrorists", causing them to fall out of a plane window, while at the same time, setting the bob-ombs off, and causing them to explode. Not to worry, as they are Nintendo characters, they won't suffer a gory finish, they instead will be sent into orbit, like how team rocket are defeated.
Meanwhile, after seeing that the incident has been taken care of, the Mushroom King changed the channel back and continued to play "Mario Party", and is pissed off that he landed on the "go back to the start" square.
Join us next time as Mario and co. journey to the Mushroom kingdom. What will they find on the way, and how will the SNK crew take to the strange goings on there? Join us next time, after I've stop torturing JBL with various sharp objects.
Note- the title and the whole hijacking scene was taken from the old 1992 Wesley Snipes film "Passenger 57" where he was a passenger on a plane hijacked by vicious terrorists. The "ask the hostage about his family before killing him" scene actually happened in that film, as did the terrorist being knocked out of a window plane window at the end of it.
Note 2- forgive me about the "Suicide bob-omber" and "global terrapin" jokes. I was actually quite drunk at the time, and also thought it would be cool since they actually were "terrorpins".
Note 3- "Banzai Bill" plane was actually the name of the giant rocket bomb with the face in the Super Mario Bros.
Note 4- is it me, or did anyone else think that the Super Mario Bros "movie" completely missed the point? First of all they has Bob Hoskins (as in the old British BT "it's good to talk" advert) to play Mario and some Latino guy to play Luigi? And if you think that's weird they, had Dennis Hopper as Koopa. Is it me or do videogame-based movies tend to be crap? I mean look at the Street Fighter movie as prime example. I shudder to think what would happen if they made "Sonic the Hedgehog" feature length movie. Imagine, a naked blue guy with spiky hair and sneakers running around with a real life fox with 2 tails and an obese fat dude in a hover chair chasing them.....(cringes).
Note 5- The "bad terrorist jokes are where I draw the line." Quote was taken from police academy 6, City under siege.
Note 6- the "White shaft" thing was taken from Captain Spoon's KOF Shictom Hell, where Terry did a movie a while back before he was famous about shaft being a white man, with Terry being "White Shaft". The movie was a complete flop though.