BEHIND LOCKED DOORS
WARNING: Rated R for profanity and homosexual relations of the incestuous kind. But this is actually a story with a plot, not smutty homosexual porn. Flames only keep me warm in winter.
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Prologue: Breathe in, breathe out and learn to talk
The world appeared as a blurred grey blob when Draco opened his eyes. He was faintly aware that he was lying in a bed and could feel a thick, heavy blanket covering his lower body. He blinked twice, trying to make everything come into focus. There was a tall, slim figure sitting at the foot of his bed, twisting its hands. For a moment, Draco believed it to be his Father. His heart sank as his vision returned. It was Narcissia Malfoy sitting on the foot of his bed, concern and pain obvious in her porcelain features.
"Draco?" Her voice was barely above a whisper. "Draco. Are you alright?" Sighing inwardly, Draco nodded once in affirmation.
"Where's Father?" He asked. Narcissia raised her pale eyebrows.
"Your Father is…very busy right now." She answered. "He has many things to complete for the upcoming ministry meeting." And without another word, she kissed the top of Draco's silvery head and left the room, hoping that Draco had not been aware of her little white lie. Draco sighed again, more in disappointment than anything before closing his eyes again.
Lucius drummed his quill against the dark rosewood of his desktop, apathetic towards the dark inkblot forming on the lacquered wood. His mind was miles away from the thesis on Azkaban parole violators that he was supposed to be writing. Instead, the thoughts were focused solely on Draco. Draco's winsome expression as he revealed himself to be a former cutter and suicidal. The wry half-smirk on Draco's face as he broke yet another house-elf's neck. And a blank-faced, cold-eyed Draco lying on the floor of his library with dark crimson, almost black blood pooling around him.
Growling in frustration, Lucius muttered a charm and held out his hand, summoning the dagger to it. Gritting his teeth, he slowly ran the dagger's edge along an old wound, bringing searing pain and guilty pleasure at the same time.
"So I see you have learnt nothing from my actions!" A frustrated voice interrupted him. Lucius inhaled sharply and whipped around, dropping the dagger on the floor. Draco stared at his Father, his ivory face expressionless but his silvery eyes burning with pain and barely-subdued rage.
"Draco Consternatious Malfoy! What do you think you are doing out of your room? I am sure your Mother gave you specific orders not to leave your room for the next two days and not to interrupt me in my study!"
"She did neither." Draco answered in a dangerously calm voice. The rage was still burning in his eyes. "Anyway, that's beside the point, Father. We need to talk."
"There is nothing to talk about." Lucius answered curtly. "Nothing except the fact that my son is an ungrateful weakling who made a ridicule and a mockery of the family name by attempting to end his life in the presence of another high-society, pureblood family."
Draco's eyes widened, and if possible, seemed to fill with even more pain and rage. Lucius used his son's shock as an opportunity to kick the dagger under another chair. Silence hung in the air; it's tension thick enough to cut. Then Draco reached out and for the first and last time in his entire life, struck his Father sharply across the face.
"How dare you!" Draco hissed savagely. "How dare you! I peeled off an entire layer of my goddamn life and handed it over to you to make you understand that I wanted to help you! I went as far as to go back down a road I had hoped to put behind me just so I could make you understand that you were harming yourself AND ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS THE PRECIOUS MALFOY NAME AND REPUTATION!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS SACRED, FATHER!!! DON'T YOU EVEN CARE THAT I NEARLY DIED TO HELP YOU???" Draco was shaking now and his silver eyes were beginning to fill with tears of rage. He inhaled shakily and scanned the room frantically.
"What are you looking for?" Lucius demanded.
"Where is it?" Draco demanded. "Where did you put the dagger?"
"I don't know what you're talking about." Lucius replied obstinately. Draco narrowed his eyes in disbelief, still scanning the room before coming to rest on a glint of silver underneath a leather armchair. Without hesitation, he held out his hand, muttering "Accio!" and the dagger flew to him.
"So tell me…Lucius." Draco began. "Where do you like to cut yourself the most?" He received no answer. A small smirk curved at the corners of his mouth. "I'm guessing that you like to watch the blood run from your arms the most…like this!" Opening his bandage, he slashed the dagger across another old wound, allowing the blood to run free.
"Draco!" Lucius gaped. Draco raised an eyebrow.
"No, huh?" He asked soothingly, unbuttoning his pyjama shirt. "Maybe you prefer to do THIS!" He made another slash, this time across his stomach.
"Draco! Cease this manner at once!" Lucius demanded in shock. Draco ignored him and raised the dagger again, allowing bright scarlet blood to drip slowly onto the grey marble floor.
"Or THIS!" He made a long cut across his chest. "Or THIS!" He began to make a cut along his side, but to his surprise and triumph, Lucius yelled out and whacked the knife from his hand, sending it flying across the room to land in a dark corner.
"Stop it now!" He yelled, the tiniest shake coming into his voice.
"Why?" Draco asked obstinately, not caring about the thin blood-trails running down his arms and torso. Lucius pointed his wand at the wounds, muttering a quick-fix charm to close the wounds.
"I can't stand watching you mutilate yourself." Lucius said hoarsely, staring at the ground. "You have no idea how much it hurts me inside to see my only son mutilating his body!"
"Hurt you? HURT YOU?" Draco yelled. "What about me, Father? How do think it makes me feel that all I can do is stand by and watch you destroy yourself physically and emotionally? How do you think it makes Mother feel that she can't reach you through your depression? That she might lose her husband? How do you think it makes me feel to know that my Father might kill himself if I leave the room for even a minute?"
By now, tears were running freely down the younger Malfoy's face, a rare and painful experience for the both of them. "Please, Father! I'm down on my knees, shedding my dignity in order to help you! Please just tell me what causes you so much emotional pain that you feel you must resort to this?"
Lucius slowly lifted his gaze from the ground to stare at the tear-stained face of his adolescent son. Slowly, he breathed in, then out.
"If you are willing to sit down and listen to the ramblings of a depressed, middle-aged wizard, I'll tell all." He said, pouring them two glasses of scotch.
I see love and beauty all around,
I also see the sadness that's embedded in your frown
I wonder why you choose not to talk to those around,
I sense a fear of lifting heavy feet
higher than you want to, I just want to believe your truth...
You stand there but you do not cast a shadow,
You walk away with every word you choose not to say
I suppose that moving on paints a new colour for each day, I don't like to see
dreams put on the shelf, to deal with on that one day
I just want to be happy for you…
'Cause I only have one second, this moment today
I can't press rewind and turn it back and call it now
And so this moment, I just have to sing out loud
And say I love I like and breathe in now
And say I love I live and breathe in now
I move on holding on to what I learn, it's time to move on from the notion
that the whole world's against me.
Break free of shackles that formed young, time free in now
And now I know, it's not all up to me, I can count on another
So move on lighter and be free....
'Cause I only have one second, this moment today
I can't press rewind and turn it back and call it now
And so this moment, I just have to sing out loud
And say I love I like and breathe in now
And say I love I live and breathe in now
I believe in for today
I just want to know that you're okay
Cause I believe in breathing just for today
I just want to know that you're okay....
Cause I only have one second, this moment today
I can't press rewind and turn it back and call it now
And so this moment, I just have to sing out loud
And say I love I like and breathe in now
And say I love I live and breathe in now
And say I love I live and breathe in now
"Breathe in now" – George