Lucius apparated at the Ministry and spent the morning talking to Minister Fudge, attending several rather boring committee meetings and running a few secret errands for the Dark Lord and the Death Eaters. Normally these chores would have bored him, but the nightmare that had woken him earlier still bothered the wizard, and he was actually grateful for any distraction.
Still, at noon he had finished with his engagements and decided to spend some time in his office. He asked the young secretary the Ministry had assigned to him to bring him any messages and paperwork that had accumulated since his last visit and to organize him some lunch.
The young witch had sat her NEWTs at Hogwarts earlier in the year and was still nervous and pretty clueless in her first job. Lucius found her inexperience to be quite a vexation, as he had to explain every task to her in excruciating detail, and could still be reasonably certain she would manage to screw it up.
He tried to remind himself that she was a pureblood, that she was not a house-elf and that she was actually reasonably good-looking. It was the only strategy he could think of, that prevented him from hitting her over the head with his cane on some occasions. Now she nervously danced around his desk trying to set out his food while he was writing.
"For Merlin's sake, girl," he finally snapped at her. "Are you hell-bent on getting grease all over my parchments and the ink-well to fall over? Put the damn tray on the filing cabinet over there! What are they paying you for? Well? Answer me!" She looked up, tray in hand, her face beet-red, and Lucius noticed that she was trying to fight back tears. Good, perhaps he would finally get through to her.
"T-to be your s-s-secretary; to take care of you when you are at the office." Lucius suppressed a smirk. That could be interpreted several ways, some of them probably not intended by the Ministry employee, but perhaps worth exploring one of these days. Then again, if she gave head the way she usually sorted his files he might end up permanently incapacitated. He shuddered at the thought.
"Fine," he snarled. "Then concentrate on learning how to!" "B-b-but I'm trying Mr. Malfoy, I really am!" Oh gods, she was actually crying now. "Well, trying doesn't seem to be good enough, now, does it? Pay attention to what I'm saying. And if you do get it wrong the first time learn from your mistakes. Now stop sniveling, it doesn't impress me." She snuffled. "Yes sir, I'm sorry sir."
He regarded her for a moment, realizing that he felt actually disgusted at having yet another victim on his hands. "You know, here's a piece of advice for you. Live your life so you never have to say you are sorry. Even if you do things others think you should regret, they should be things you wanted to do, so you don't have to apologize. Stop running around in a daze, girl. Focus! Now get out of here. Your pitiful attempts at servility are nauseating!"
The witch stared at him in wide-eyed surprise, set out the tray where he had instructed her and ran from the room. Lucius sighed. "And shut the bloody door behind you!" he hollered after her. He rolled up his letter, decided to clear his papers out of the way himself, before another catastrophe could happen and settled down for a surprisingly good meal of horklump and kelpie casserole. With time to himself, he realized he started to think about his nightmare again.
On the surface the dream had simply been ridiculous. Of course Narcissa was not a muggle. She was the youngest daughter of Arcturus and Artemis Black, who had been as pureblood as anyone could wish for. Yet, the emotions he had felt at witnessing his family subjected to punishment had been disturbingly real.
Lucius was also troubled by the fact that he had appeared twice, as the Dark Lord, who had set the events in motion, and as himself, another victim who had condemned himself to death by protecting his wife and son instead of killing them.
Dream-interpretation was an important part of magical practice, and even though Lucius had never been much interested in it he knew enough to realize that he obviously had a problem on his hands. The question was which one. Did he secretly harbor sympathies for muggles? The mere thought made him snort in amusement. He hated muggles with every fiber of his being. He had killed many of them without giving it a second thought and certainly without remorse.
Did he sometimes wish he was the Dark Lord? Well, he needed no damn nightmares to know that and to dismiss it immediately for the ridiculous attack of megalomania that it was. While he was a powerful wizard, his abilities exponentiated by generations of breeding within the pure bloodlines, he could not possibly dream to rival or even challenge the might of his master, the heir of Salazar Slytherin himself.
On further reflection he decided that somehow in his dream he had substituted Narcissa for someone else. The woman he should have confronted was Andromeda, and while she was not a muggle herself she had married one. The part of him that had appeared as Voldemort had demanded she die for her transgression, the part of him that still loved her had pleaded for her life. He had wavered between those two reactions in reality. Part of him had reveled in hurting Andromeda's look-alike Iocasta, had even wanted to kill her, part of him had been appalled at his behavior and made the pathetic plea to her to forgive him.
Lucius was sure that reading Narcissa's diary had set his mind working on the events that had happened 20 years ago, and he was still curious how things had unfolded from the perspective of Andromeda's sister. His hand traveled to the side pocket of his robes where he had put the diary before he had left the manor in the morning. "Let's get this over with," he sighed. He pushed the tray aside and opened Narcissa's book.
Her
Ministry of Magic, October 11th
Bella paid me a surprise visit at the Ministry at lunch time and she had a wizard in tow, a lanky, geeky guy with a seriously oversized nose, name of Severus Snape. He should really take better care of his hair. Anyway, Bella wouldn't talk at the office so we went to a small magical restaurant near Covent Garden that I know. They have a floating chocolate truffle dessert, which I absolutely love. You need at least two slimming spells after you've eaten it. Me and the other pureblood girls from the office hang out there all the time.
Once we had a table, Bella told me more. It seems this Snape guy is a total genius with potions. Bella says they work together. I didn't even know she had a job! Note to self: need to ask her about that when the whole Lucius thing is settled. We ordered food, and then Bella asked me in this perfectly nice conversational tone. "So little sister, are you still a virgin?"
I got such a shock, I almost spat butterbeer all over her. When I got past my surprise I gave her a kick on her shin under the table. Why would she be asking me such a personal question when this greasy git she had brought along was listening to us? Besides she knows I was never a slut at school like those mudbloods and now I'm saving myself for Lucius. I told her so the other day. But the guy just smirked.
"It's okay, Cissa, don't mind Severus. He's here to help us with regards to the Lucius problem. Severus, why don't you explain?" Severus looked at her, and then he said: "Narcissa, your sister tells me that you have set your eyes on the heir of Malfoy." I nodded. "Well, I happen to know Lucius. We were in Slytherin together, though not in the same year. Now apparently Lucius is after your sister. Bellatrix tells me they might get engaged at Halloween."
Oh boy, he shouldn't have said that. I felt that I couldn't have anything for lunch any more. Hearing a stranger say those words really bothered me. So I just nodded. I must have looked pretty miserable, because Bella reached over the table and stroked my arm.
The potions guy continued. "Well, I happen to know the recipe for a very powerful love philter that would turn all of that around. If you gave it to Lucius to drink with the intention that he should love you instead of your sister, he would be head-over-heels for you, and wouldn't even remember anyone else in a skirt existed." I just stared at the man wide-eyed. I think next to Lucius Severus is the most amazing, gorgeous wizard I have ever met. Yes, I think Severus is my new hero!
Still, I remembered Bella's question, so I asked. "So what's with the virgin stuff?" Bella answered me. "See, Cissa, Severus tells me, to make the potion, he needs the blood of a virgin." I grinned. "Well, then we're in luck. Actually when we go back to the office, I can go by the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes. They have a mediwizard on staff, you know for when some of those muggles get accidentally blasted. He can draw some blood."
Now Severus looked at me with a really funny expression. "Ah – not that kind of blood," he said. I'm still not sure whether he was leering at me or being embarrassed or both. Anyway, Bella explained. "What Severus means is that he needs the blood that you bleed when you do it with a man for the first time." I guess I was really dense, because I said. "But, unless we give him the potion first, Lucius won't sleep with me…" Bella must think I have a mental deficiency or something. It was kind of embarrassing.
I think Severus was getting a bit uncomfortable by now and he elbowed Bella, so she sighed and told me: "Well, I guess we all need to make some small sacrifices for what we want. I'm afraid Lucius won't be your first. Severus here will." I almost choked on my butterbeer again. Must stop drinking when discussing matters of life and death!
I took a really good look at Bella's friend, and I think I was feeling faintly sick. I think Severus is not my hero any more. He isn't all that bad-looking, I guess, if you concentrate on his better assets. He has pretty eyes, really deep chocolate brown, and his mouth is kind of nice. I like his hands, too, slim and long and precise when he moves them. But he just has to do something about his hair! I was trying to imagine us doing it and I was still feeling sick. I want Lucius!
Bella gave me an encouraging grin. "See," she said. "Lucius never need know. There are spells to fake virginity. And anyway, I'm telling you, first time isn't that great to begin with, 'cause it hurts a bit. You should get it over with. That way you can really look forward to your wedding night, plus you won't act like a complete idiot, because you're clueless. I'm sure Lucius will appreciate it, if you have some idea what to do with him."
That made me a bit angry. "Just because I'm not a slut, doesn't mean I'm totally stupid!" I told Bella. She just smiled. "Okay, point taken, but I'm sure Severus here can still teach you a thing or two." That of course brought me back to my task in getting the potion brewed and I wasn't angry any more, but rather terrified. Anyway, I guess there's no way around it. I let Bella talk me into doing it with Severus.
So now I'm sitting at my desk here at the office, hoping my boss doesn't catch me writing down what happened. I am to meet Severus tomorrow at the Leaky Cauldron during my lunch break. Bella has booked a room for us. Gods, I really, really wish there was another way to get Lucius to fall in love with me.
Black Manor, October 12th 1975
Hecate be praised it's over and done with! Bella wasn't joking, it hurts like hell! I don't think I ever want to do it again, even with Lucius.
Okay, better start at the beginning. Bella met me at the office this morning. She had two bottles with her. One had some potion in it to make sure I wouldn't get pregnant, so I quickly drank all of that. It tasted really awful.
Then she had another bigger bottle that had a mix of firewhisky, a calming draught and some aphrodisiac in it. "That'll relax you and get you in the mood,' she said, clapping me on the back when I looked at her. "But you shouldn't go back to the office this afternoon. Your boss may think you're a bit off…" She was way too cheerful for my liking, but I guess she tried to help me keep my spirits up.
We apparated in Diagon Alley and because we had a little time to kill we sat in a quiet corner at the Leaky Cauldron and Bella made me drink another firewhisky and gave me all sorts of advice, which I guess I didn't listen to much, because I was getting quite tipsy, and because I was still nervous as hell.
I think she told me to be nice to Severus, because he wouldn't charge for making the potion and if he was in a good mood he would help her at work, and I owed her because she was helping me. I believe she also told me to relax, that it would hurt less that way.
Well, finally Severus appeared, hair an awful mess like yesterday, but at least his robes didn't look like he'd slept in them, and he smelled nice this time. Bella just grinned and said. "Guess I'll leave you love-birds alone now. Cissa, be a brave girl. Severus, I'll be back in an hour to pick her up. You won't need longer will you?"
I remember the wizard clearing his throat and mumbling something, and then I was getting up, and the pub started spinning and I think I heard Bella curse. I had actually passed out.
When I came to I was flat on my back looking at a really cracked and dirty ceiling and just as I was beginning to wonder what was going on, Severus was bending over me with his greasy black hair hanging all around my face. We were both stark naked!
"There you are," he just said, and then he was kissing me. I guess I tried to cooperate, but I was still trying to figure out what was going on, and Severus came up for air and complained. "Oh for Merlin's sake, relax! You're stiffer than a plank. I think I liked you better when you were passed out."
I tried to remember what Bella had told me and concentrated. I had fooled around with Jacques de Navarre at school a couple of times, so I tried to think of that, and I guess it got better, because Severus stopped complaining and was kissing me more and I ran my hands over his back and he seemed to like that. We did that for a while and I thought things might not be so bad after all. He was really smelling nice.
But then he was pushing my legs apart and I was looking down and I saw what he was going to put inside of me and I remembered that Bella had told me it would bleed and I tried not to panic. Oh, I don't think I can write this! I guess I tried to talk him out of it, and he asked me whether I wanted my damn potion or not and got pretty cross with me.
So he ended up doing it anyway, and I tried to relax like Bella said to do, but it hurt really badly no matter what. Hecate, I think I'll spare myself and the paper having to go through all of that again.
So here's how things are. Severus has my blood. He soaked the tip of his handkerchief in it afterwards, but most of it made a splotch on the bed-sheets. I wonder if the landlord will bill Bella because we left such a mess. I'll have my potion in two days. He'll give it to Bella, so I don't have to meet him again, which is fine with me. Bella picked me up like she promised and took me straight home. She told mother she'd met me at lunch by accident and I had complained I was feeling a bit sick.
Mother bought the story. I guess I really don't look so perky. At least it's over and in two days Lucius will be mine. I must be stupid! I'm still in pain when I touch myself and here I'm already trying to get yet another guy to sleep with me.
Oh yes, one other thing: when Severus was naked I noticed he had the same skull and snake design on his arm as Bella and Rodolphus. But like Bella he wouldn't say what it was for. He said, though, if I really every wanted to find out what hurt, I should try and get one.
I asked him why he'd do it if it was painful and he gave me that really meaningful stare and said that some things were worth suffering for. I guess I was supposed to think that my pain was okay, too, for getting me the potion, but I still think he could have been a bit more gentle about it.