BEHIND LOCKED DOORS

WARNING: Rated R for profanity and homosexual relations of the incestuous kind. But this is actually a story with a plot, not smutty homosexual porn. Flames only keep me warm in winter.

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Chapter Sixteen: I've been down this road before

The bond had been snapped. That was only conclusion either Malfoy had managed to come to after partially recovering from their actions. The bond that had been so carefully forged between them had been broken through one simultaneous mistake. To Lucius, this obvious fact had become blindingly so through the letters he had sent to and received from Draco. Less than a month ago, their letters to each other had been like those of old friends, filled with the news of what had been going on in their lives, questions directed towards the reader and a sense of warmth radiating from the parchment. Now, Lucius sighed as he unrolled a four-inch scrap of parchment that Draco's black hawk had just delivered.

Father -

Just a short message to inform you that I shall be returning home for the Christmas Break. Send my love to Mother.

Draco.

Short, cold, uncaring. These were their letters to each other now. So cold that it wouldn't have been surprising that they had been written on sheets of ice.

Lucius sighed again, tossing the parchment into the fire before scribbling a quick reply to Draco on a spare piece of parchment on hand.

Draco -

I will meet you on the Train Platform next week when you return.

Your Father, Lucius.

Lucius wanted to write more, like he had been able to do so easily not so long ago, but instead found himself rolling up that short message and tying it to the leg of the black hawk standing patiently in front of him. It emitted one short noise before spreading its wings and flying away, back to Hogwarts.

How had the fragile bond been broken so suddenly and cruelly? It was a rhetorical question really, Lucius thought to himself. He wasn't a fool. It was all because of that kiss. That one stupid, spontaneous kiss had broken the bond between Father and Son. That kiss. It was so thoughtless, so spontaneous, so wrong, so…

Lucius didn't want to think about it anymore. That little voice in the back of his head was letting him know what he had been trying so hard to deny once their actions had sunk in. That little voice was simply refusing to leave until he had acknowledged what it and he already knew too well. Lucius was swimming in guilt and confusion because he had enjoyed kissing Draco. To make matters worse, that voice was continuing to remind him of what he already knew too well. If Draco tried to kiss him again, he would not hesitate to kiss him back…or more…

"No." He muttered hoarsely to himself, hands twisting in his long, silver-blonde hair. "For the love of Merlin, Lucius. He. Is. Your. Son!"

Lucius gritted his teeth, hands twisting in his hair until he thought clumps would be torn out. This was slowly driving him insane. The memory of that kiss. The broken bond between himself and Draco. The dreams that had started to form in his mind that involved Draco and were so, so wrong…

It was all becoming too much and now, Lucius knew that he had nowhere to turn to. Draco had insisted that he would always be there for his Father, but that had been before that kiss. That horrible yet amazing kiss that had made everything seem so right for the most fleeting of moments, but had destroyed everything at the same time, including the bond he and Draco had shared as Father and Son. What could he do now?

Lucius' mind was a million miles away, but his body made the decision for him. He had no memory of fumbling through neatly filed draws until his hands rested on a sharp, light object that had been almost forgotten. No memory of twirling the object lightly in his left hand to watch the sunlight from the window dance off the rubies and flicker across the room like streaks of blood. But he would always remember that searing, tearing rush of pain as he ripped the dagger across his right forearm for the first time in over a year. It happened so fast. Lucius just stared at his arm, an old scar re-opened just below his elbow. The blood was welling up slowly over the wound. There was blood on the edge of the dagger too. Lucius blinked once, feeling numb with shock.

"What have I done?"

The echo of silence was his answer. Quite suddenly, Lucius began to laugh. It was a laugh with no warmth, kindness or humour in it.

"I really must be losing my mind." He said to himself inbeteween the laughs. "Not only am I talking to myself, I'm willingly going back down a road I never wanted to go down again…"

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Green. Emerald green with silvery edges and delicate, intricate lines. Draco ignored the voices of his dorm partners, pretending to be interested in the intricate Slytherin insignia on the canopy of his large bed. He had been staring at it for at least the past hour, his mind miles away, replaying actions past over and over and over that just refused to leave him be…

…Draco opened the door and was not at all surprised to see his Father wide-awake, sitting on one of the comfortable armchairs in the room, staring fixedly at a silver goblet of some obviously alcoholic blend grasped in his thin hands. Draco noticed with some surprise that he wasn't wearing a shirt. It was very unlike Lucius to go without his trademark high-necked shirts, and now Draco could see why. It wasn't just his arm that Lucius had scarred. His chest was marked too. Some scars barely half an inch long, others running from his armpit, stopping just short of his navel. And many of them had obviously been re-opened after they had healed…

…"I can't stand watching you mutilate yourself." Lucius said hoarsely, staring at the ground. "You have no idea how much it hurts me inside to see my only son mutilating his body!"

"Hurt you? HURT YOU?" Draco yelled. "What about me, Father? How do think it makes me feel that all I can do is stand by and watch you destroy yourself physically and emotionally? How do you think it makes Mother feel that she can't reach you through your depression? That she might lose her husband? How do you think it makes me feel to know that my Father might kill himself if I leave the room for even a minute?"

By now, tears were running freely down the younger Malfoy's face, a rare and painful experience for the both of them. "Please, Father! I'm down on my knees, shedding my dignity in order to help you! Please just tell me what causes you so much emotional pain that you feel you must resort to this?"

Lucius slowly lifted his gaze from the ground to stare at the tear-stained face of his adolescent son. Slowly, he breathed in, then out.

"If you are willing to sit down and listen to the ramblings of a depressed, middle-aged wizard, I'll tell all." He said, pouring them two glasses of scotch…

…"Happy? Well, I guess I should be happy, but I am not. Just a year beforehand, I would have gladly traded my soul thrice over for Voldemort to return. Now that he has returned, I realised that I no longer feel the same way. I have no desire to be the follower of an egotistical, melodramatic madman, regardless of how much I agree with his views. I'm older, sadder and wiser than I was fifteen years beforehand. I found my conscience not long after Voldemort's resurrection and I came to realise that, regardless of how I used to feel, becoming a Death Eater was one of the biggest mistakes of my life." The alcohol had obviously begun to loosen Lucius' tongue.

"Why was it such a mistake?" Draco asked, wanting Lucius to say more. Maybe if he pressed hard enough, he could uncover the information that would be the key to his Father's unhappiness. Lucius stared at his alcohol for a moment, then took a heavy swig of the strong-tasting liquid.

"I gave Voldemort my soul, my dignity and my undying loyalty. In return, he murdered the first and only person that I ever fell in love with." His voice was tinged with age-old bitterness. Draco's eyes widened momentarily in surprise at this sudden revelation but his face maintained its impassive surface…

…"We never fell out of love. I still love James to this very day, but I lost him through my own stupidity and the need to protect him from Voldemort. Instead of starting anew with James, I gave myself up to Voldemort, but it's not as if I would've had a choice either. If I had refused, Voldemort would have taken me by force. Plus, I was young and stupid back then. Regardless of how much I love James, I didn't love his views. Voldemort's words and ways were my life, and I chose to follow them avidly, even after hearing what James had to say on ranks in society and blood. I admit, I did give his opinions some thought, but they made no sense to me. Of course your rank in society mattered. Of course money and material goods mattered. Of course your bloodline purity mattered. How ironic that I would throw away all of these just for one more day with James. Voldemort was the biggest mistake of my life."

Quite suddenly, Lucius reached over and grabbed Draco by the shoulders.

"Draco, listen to me and listen well." His voice carried more than a note of urgency. "You only have a few years left before Voldemort calls upon you to join his ranks. Please, *please,* do not follow Voldemort as loyally as I have done. It will ruin everything in your life. I truly enjoyed my time as a Death Eater, but now I cannot think of anything - apart from living in a society of pure Mudblood wizards and witches - that I loathe more. Voldemort's ways are not for you and I will do everything in my power to ensure that he will *not* ensnare you in his web of darkness and despair. Just please, *please* promise me that you will not be a loyal follower of Voldemort."

Draco stared directly, unblinkingly at his Father, trying to take in everything he had said.

"I swear, Father, that I will not be a loyal follower." He answered finally, staring into his eyes. He meant every word. Lucius sagged with relief.

"Thank Merlin." He rasped. "Thank Merlin my son has more sense than I did when I was his age."…

…Draco just stared at his Father, feelings of shock and pain coursing through him. Then, quite suddenly, it all became too much, and for one of the very rare occasions in his life, Draco reached out to his Father. Lucius, though shocked at the sudden gesture of affection, took the younger Malfoy into his arms with no hesitation as he burst into tears that soaked the shoulder of his Father's black robes. Lucius didn't cry, but his breathing was in huge, shuddering gasps as he held Draco close, one hand running through his long, pale blonde hair in a rare display of affection.

"I love you so much, Father!" Draco managed to say in-between sobs. "I know you aren't the perfect Father, but I still love you unconditionally. Please, don't ever leave me…don't ever hurt yourself again! I know you say that I'm your reason to live, and it's requited! If you weren't in my life, I don't think I would be able to cope! I know I don't say it or even show it much at all, but I really do love you!"

"Hush…I know, my dragon. I know." Lucius whispered. Finally, the crying subsided, and Draco gently pulled away from his Father's arms. Lucius sighed emotionlessly, pushing silvery-blonde hair away from his face...

…"Draco, if you were hurting so much, why didn't you come to me? I'm your Father. You know I care about you and I'll always have time for you." He reached out and put a hand on Draco's shoulder.

"I…I don't know. I guess I just felt so alone and useless…and…and…" Draco began shaking violently, trying to hold it all in. He had tried so hard to purify himself, to be a stronger person after Blaise. He couldn't let it all go to waste.

"Normally, I would never be saying this where I could be heard, but you don't have to hold it all in this time, Draco." Lucius' voice was surprisingly gentle as he sat down on the bed next to Draco, an arm around his shoulder. "You're hurting, like I was before you helped me. If you need to cry, Draco, then just do it. I'm not going to think any less of you. Just let it all out."

Draco hesitated briefly, then Lucius gathered him firmly against his chest, and Draco began to cry slowly at first, then huge, near-silent sobs that racked his entire body along with rivers of tears that dampened the front of Lucius' dark robes…

…Lucius smiled peacefully at his only son. Draco smiled back in a similar manner before closing his eyes and peacefully resting his head on Lucius' shoulder. This kind of contact would have felt alien and confusing just months ago. Now neither Draco nor Lucius could currently imagine anything that would have made them feel better…

…Neither one of them were exactly sure who moved first or why it even happened in the first place, but barely a moment later, they turned heads and grey eyes met grey then closed as their lips met for an unnaturally long moment and manner for Father and Son. Everything seemed to pour through that simple touch. Fire and ice racing down their spines, sparks filling up their bodies and making them tingle, their mouths melded together as they opened instinctively and Lucius' tongue seemed to slide naturally into Draco's mouth like liquid fire, making them both shiver in delight...

…"Perfect." Lucius muttered, barely loud enough for him to hear before kissing his neck lovingly, possessively. The mere action sent shivers down Draco's spine. He tangled his hands in thick, silvery-blonde hair so like his own. The hands pulled Lucius up to Draco's face for a proper kiss, and Draco relished in that feeling of oneness, unity as they became one in that kiss, their very beings pouring into each other…

"Snap out of it." Draco muttered to himself, trying so hard to deny it. That kiss. How could something so wrong, so sick and twisted and low make his whole world seem right? He shook his head again, a low growl rising in his throat. "It's over." He muttered, tears pricking behind his eyes. "We both fucked up royally." He paused to snicker lowly without humour. "Lust over logic royally fucked up whatever we had." He growled again, feeling the anger at himself rising higher and higher like a geyser, threatening to erupt and overflow before too long. He needed to get away from here for now. Away from where memories and visions refused to cease plaguing his mind. Flinging back the curtains on the bed, he pulled a jumper on over his white shirt and left the dorm without a word or even a glance at his dorm partners. All he could think of doing for now was walking his thoughts away. It had worked on previous problems, so he could see no reason as to why it wouldn't be successful this time.

Draco wandered in an almost dream-like trance, his bare feet padding softly on the stone and rugs. When he finally came out of his trance, he realised he was at the entrance of the Astronomy Tower. It wasn't exactly the most peaceful place to go, considering the amount of couples that liked to sneak out here at night. Draco felt a small pang as he remembered how he and Blaise had come here several times when they had been together, but he was surprised at just how quickly that pang disappeared. His only feelings for Blaise now were deep-set loathing and disgust, at least when he was actually feeling *anything at all.* Most of the time he found himself to be in an apathetic daze.

Most of the couples preferred to hide in corners around the top or bottom of the towers, but Draco was able to remember one place that people had rarely - if ever - chosen to go in the Tower. On its second floor was a Gothic-style window with no glass, large enough to hold at least three people on its sill. It had been his place with Blaise, but that no longer seemed to really matter to him. People preferred not to go there because Peeves liked to turn up and either interrupt or scare them out of the mood, but he was only there on certain days of the week, and this was not one of the days.

Sighing deeply, Draco lifted himself up onto the windowsill, legs stretched out comfortably to touch the other side of the sill. It was a nice view. The sun was just beginning to set now, and the sky was bleeding shades of crimson, rose, orange and gold. They all melded into each other like many small rivers flowing into an ocean. The sun was beginning to sink low into the horizon, and Draco could faintly make out the shape of the slowly appearing crescent moon.

One hand slipped into the pocket of his pants, and he pulled out a slightly crumpled packet of cigarettes. Lighting one between his teeth with his wand, he inhaled sharply, enjoying the feeling of the strong, smooth smoke travelling down his throat and into his lungs. Keeping the cigarette between his teeth, he began to put his wand and packet of cigarettes away, but he loosened his bite on the cigarette and it fell out of his mouth, landing right on his right hand. A jolt of red-hot pain shot through his arm, up to the elbow and he quickly picked up the cigarette, but not before noticing the small red mark it had left on the back of his hand.

For some reason, that jolt had been able to stop his train of thoughts, make him forget all of his problems just for one moment, just like his cutting habits had allowed him to do so two years ago. Only this time the scars were more insignificant, and there was no bloodshed. A cold smile stretched across his lips as an idea came to him, and Draco bought the cigarette down on the back of his hand deliberately this time, pushing it into the tender skin to leave its small, circular, burning scar, while simultaneously marvelling at his own emotional weakness…

Oh poor twisted me

Oh poor twisted me

I feast on sympathy

I chew on suffer

I chew on agony

And swallow whole the pain

Oh it's too good to be

All this misery Is just for oh poor twisted me

Poor twisted me

Poor mistreated me

Poor mistreated me

I drown without a sea

I'm filled with sorrow

Once filled with misery

And hated the deep dark blue

Such a burden to bear

Poor mistreated me

Finally reached the shore

Survival's gone

Now you're feeling cold ever since he was born

Your pain is so over you

Finally reached the shore

Survival's gone

Now you're feeling cold ever since he was born

Your pain is so over you

Could ya be my friend?

Such a pain to see

Oh poor twisted me

"Poor Twisted Me" - Metallica