BEHIND LOCKED DOORS

AUTHOR'S NOTES: To all those who enjoy reading my story and have been waiting for me to update, I just want to apologize for such a long delay. You see, I am in my final year of school, and lately I've just been so busy with trying to keep up with all my work and not fail (My fault. I'm a bad student), have a social life of sorts, deal with my boyfriend breaking up with me and basically try to cope with all the shit that I keep getting caught up in unintentionally, that I can rarely find time to write except in the holidays or after exams (Which just started today…I had a Legal Studies exam!)

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: Running from everything

Time seemed to stand still as the two Malfoy's of two different generations stood parallel to each other, neither one breaking their penetrating gaze or uttering a word to breach the horrible silence filling the air between them. Blood dripped down Lucius' arm to the floor, a lock of pale blond hair fell into Draco's left eye, and still neither one of them spoke. Draco lowered his gaze once more to the fresh wound on his Father's arm, and then reached out a pale hand.

"Accio dagger!" His voice was quick and crisp, breaking the silence as the dagger flew through the air and landed in his hand. Now his attention was back on his Father. "What, in the name of Merlin, were you thinking, you idiot!" His voice had changed tone, becoming an almost serpentine hiss.  Lucius glared at his son.

"Do not address me in that disrespectful tone of voice, Draconis!" He snarled. Draco folded his arms and snorted indignantly.

"Well how am I expected to address you if you're doing what I think I just witnessed you doing?" He demanded. Lucius narrowed his eyes.

"Regardless of whether or not you approve of my actions, I am your Father, and you are expected to show respect for me at all times!"

"Even when I come across you slicing your arm open more than a year after you told me you never wanted to do it again?"

"I lied. Owl someone who cares!" Lucius yelled, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "And anyway, all this happened because of you, Draco! If you had never kissed me the day I bought you, Pansy and Blaise here, then none of this would have ever happened!"

"I didn't bloody kiss you!" Draco argued. "You were the one who kissed me!" Lucius snorted in a mixture of exasperation and indignation.

"And who was it that decided to shove their tongue down my throat at the Christmas party?" He inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"I was drunk, and it was a dare anyway." Draco snapped. "I just apologized for that anyway."

"No, you didn't." Lucius said. "You apologized for humiliating me, but you said, and may I quote 'I am not sorry for what I did'." Draco remained silent for a few minutes, unable to think of anything to use as a rebuttal.

"Well…" He paused again, thinking of exactly what he wanted to say "Well why did you kiss me just before?" Lucius didn't answer, but sighed deeply.

"Well? Why did you kiss me?" Draco asked again, this time more insistent. Still Lucius didn't answer, but instead sat down on the armchair nearest him, and began to massage the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger, something he usually did to rid himself of headaches.

"Father!" Draco's voice was getting louder and more insistent with every word. "I'm only going to ask you one more time. Why. Did. You. Kiss. Me?"

"I…I don't know!" Lucius hissed, still massaging the bridge of his nose. "I don't bloody know why I did it, Draconis. Alright?"

"No, it's not bloody alright!" Draco yelled. "We keep blaming each other for helping to tear our relationship apart and at the same time, we're tearing ourselves apart, and neither one of us have any bloody idea how to salvage what we've destroyed!"

"It can't be salvaged." Lucius said, voicing the horrible answer that they both knew. "We've gone too far and destroyed too much to ever be able to go back to what we once were, and that's just the way it is." Draco sighed and sat down in the chair opposite his Father, raking a hand through his tangled hair.

"Well…what do we do now?" He asked after a few minutes. Lucius sighed.

"How should I know? I've told you before, I'm not a bloody seer." The room filled with an uncomfortable silence. Lucius stared out of the window to his right, out into the icy, winter night with it's lightly falling snow. Draco stared into his lap and began to fidget nervously.

"We could try to start all over again." He finally suggested.

"Huh?" Lucius turned his head. Draco shrugged, still staring into his lap.

"We could, you know, pretend that none of this ever happened?" Lucius stroked his chin thoughtfully, remaining silent for a few minutes.

"It's a good idea. At least, it's a good idea in theory." He finally said. "But in reality, it wouldn't work at all, no matter how much we both tried."

"Why not?" Draco argued, looking up at his Father. "I think it would work."

"No, it wouldn't." Lucius replied. "Do you really think things will ever be the same, Draco? What's done is done, and if we tried to start over and live in denial, then we are simply trying to run from the past, and believe me, Draco, I know that you can never get away from your past. You can run from it for days, weeks, months, even years, but it will always catch up with you. I ran away from James, the first person I ever fell in love with, and denied our past to protect us both, and I lost him forever. I tried to run away from my past after Voldemort was first defeated, but he returned thirteen years later and I had to go back anyway and suffer at his hands. Then I tried to run away from my past again when I was brought to trial. I tried to deny more than twenty-five years of my life to a courtroom of people, and I lost and barely kept my sanity intact." He paused for a moment. "And if we try to do what you're suggesting, then it just starts all over again." Lucius slumped forward for a moment, his head in his hands.

"What is it?" Draco asked, more eager to break the silence that had ensued once more. Lucius sighed deeply and sat up straight, now beginning to massage his temples.

"Sometimes I just feel so old." Lucius said, eyes closed. "I turn forty-four next year, which isn't that old really, but sometimes I feel like I'm older than that coot, Dumbledore, because my life makes me feel so old and tired. Nothing ever seems to have gone to plan in my life, and when that happens, I start running. Then whatever happened catches up to me, and I just start running all over again. It's a vicious cycle, Draco."

"Life's a bitch, eh?" Draco quipped sourly after a moment, and to his surprise, Lucius actually began to laugh. It was a bitter, cynical laugh, but it was still a laugh.

"Yes, Draco. It really, truly is, especially when you're a Malfoy. You run around flaunting your inheritance, only to grow up and despise nearly everything you become heir to because you end up impoverished both emotionally and spiritually. You fall in love with the wrong people, while being coerced into marrying people you often don't want to marry because it's just the way things are. You consider yourself the master of your own destiny before you get the Dark Mark, only to discover you're nothing but a pawn of the universe with absolutely no control over your life at all. Yes, Draco. The life of a Malfoy is truly a bitch."

They both lapsed into silence. Lucius stood up and walked the three steps that were standing between him and Draco. Draco stood up almost unconsciously, so they were now face-to-face with barely an inch of space between them.

"I'm so tired of running." Lucius finally said. "I can run for the rest of my life, but I never escape whatever it is I happen to be running from at the time. It always comes back to haunt me. Maybe I should just give in to whatever it is that fate has in for me from now on and stop trying to escape the inevitable."

And with that, he leaned forward and pressed his mouth against his only son's, softly, almost uncertainly. Draco had the time and the opportunity to either move his head or push his Father away, yet he did neither. Instead, he reached out and linked his arms loosely around Lucius' narrow waist as he pressed back gently, his whole body tingling from the physical contact. Lucius was the one to take the next step, his mouth opening slightly and his tongue lightly sweeping against Draco's bottom lip. He was met with an eager response, and they stood there for what seemed like eternity, engaged in a deep, passionate kiss.

"No more running." Lucius said as they finally broke apart, his voice barely above a whisper. Draco didn't answer, at least not in words. His arms tightened around Lucius' waist as he placed a soft, chaste kiss on his Father's bowed head. No more running, and no going back from their final decision.

"Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel


Believe, believe in me, believe
That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same, we're different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight


And you know you're never sure
But your sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born


Believe, believe in me, believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight


We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight"

"Tonight, tonight" – Smashing Pumpkins