Thanks for all the positive comments....
Dulcey - I'm loving your story. You and I are obviously lovers of the angsty Ryan (oh and the naked one) ..oh where has he gone?
Elzed - Yes, a together Dawn spells trouble surely...
Brandywine - I'm honoured that you like this story, thank you!
Cheekymice - Yes I love me some Ryan angst...
Parisindy - thanks for your positive comment
Gibasi - I love Dawn too, I think it's the mother in me...
Seth escorted Ryan and Dawn to the front door and gave Ryan a reassuring slap on the back as he and his mother left the house.
"Later Dude!"
"Yeah, tell Sandy and Kirsten we won't be too long OK?" Ryan gave Seth a tight, anxious smile.
Seth nodded and shut the door behind them.
He moved quickly into the kitchen so that he could watch them as they walked down the driveway. He was still hovering as Kirsten entered the kitchen, laden down with dirty dishes from dinner. She gave him a knowing look.
"Seth, for goodness sake, will you leave Ryan in peace. Go and find something useful to do. You could help your father and I clear up all this mess."
"Yeah Mom, I would, but isn't that why we have Rosa? I mean, I wouldn't like to be responsible for adding to the unemployment line, really I wouldn't."
Kirsten glared at her son, frustrated yet defeated.
"Fine. Then make yourself scarce. Your Father and I want to talk."
Seth stared at his mother, his dark brown eyes eyeing her carefully.
"Talk? About Ryan? About his Mom? About whether he's going back to live with her?"
Kirsten looked reproachfully at her son. Her eyes showed a hint of pity for Seth.
"Sweetie. Just because Ryan wanted to meet up with his mother does not mean that he wants to go and live back with her OK?"
"Yeah right Mom. Cause we all know Ryan does just what he wants to do, not what he thinks he ought to do," he replied sarcastically.
He sat down heavily at the breakfast bar and flicked through his latest copy of Legion, showing no sign at all of registering what was on the page.
Kirsten sighed. How could she disagree with Seth when she thought the same thing herself? Ryan had spent his whole time in Newport doing what he felt other people wanted or needed, rescuing girls from gun wielding homicidal maniacs, supporting pregnant ex girlfriends, befriending lonely teenage boys who he had virtually nothing in common with. His track record spoke for itself. If, after this meeting with Dawn, Ryan felt he needed to be with her, then nothing they could say would change his mind. Not for the first time that day, her heart lurched and her stomach began churning.
She went to the refridgerator and retrieved two tubs of Ben and Jerry's finest. She sat down next to Seth with the ice cream, bowls and spoons.
"We need ice cream," she said flatly.
Seth raised a pair of sorrowful eyes at her.
"Seth look, whatever happens, Ryan will always be part of our family OK? Your Dad and I will see to that. There is absolutely no way we'd lose touch with him."
She took his head in her hands and forced him to look directly at her.
"We won't let that happen OK?"
"It's just like Theresa and the baby all over again," he muttered under his breath.
"Yes, I can see why you would think that. Really I can. But there is a difference. None of us handled that well, Ryan leaving. We all know that. This time we'll get it right."
Sandy stood hovering at the door, watching his wife and son agonize over the life of a boy they hadn't known existed a year ago. Sometimes still, he wasn't sure he'd done the right thing in bringing Ryan here. Life would have been a hell of a lot less traumatic if he hadn't. He'd found it hard watching Kirsten struggling day in, day out, this summer, to hold herself together while her son was doing God only knew what in Portland and her foster son worked his ass off in a job he was too young to be doing.
He walked over to them and put one arm round each of them.
"Hey. We don't even know what Dawn's plans are yet, OK? Let's not jump the gun. She may not even be in a position to have Ryan come back and live with her."
"God, I hope that's the case," Kirsten said, laying her head on Sandy's arm. "I know I'm being selfish. If I were Dawn, I'd want Ryan with me, my own flesh and blood, my child. Did you see the way he looked at her Sandy, when she arrived? Did you see his face when she hugged him?" Her voice became choked and wobbly.
Sandy took his wife in his arms and stroked her long blond hair affectionately.
"I saw, Kirsten, I saw. But I'm hoping this time he will be able to let Dawn cope with her new life on her own. I'm hoping he'll realize she needs to do this on her own and not let him be her crutch. I just hope she realizes it too…"
Seth watched his parents as they comforted each other. He realized that they were just as afraid of losing Ryan as he was.
"Dad, did she talk about her plans at all in the car?"
"No," Sandy shook his head "and I didn't ask. I think it's better we leave Ryan to find that out. I don't want him to think we're interfering. Besides, Dawn needs to make this transition herself and start being responsible for her own decisions. The clinic will have helped her with all that, these last few weeks."
"You think she's up to it Dad?" Seth's voice betrayed the bitterness he was feeling.
Sandy looked at him intently.
"I have no idea, son. But I do know this. Whatever happens, we'll be here to support Ryan. And by that I'm including you. You need to show him that you'll back him whichever way this thing swings."
Seth locked eyes with his father. He got what he was saying. Running away to Portland was not an option this time.
He nodded to his parents and left the room, his curly head cast down low.
Sandy looked over to his wife questioningly.
"Drink?"
"Dear God, yes. A very large one."
Kirsten got up and hunted for the corkscrew, while Sandy found two large wine glasses. Kirsten relaxed at the sound of the liquid tumbling into the glass.
"I know you think he'll go Kirsten. But I don't think you're giving him credit for what he's been through his year, or Dawn for that matter. She can see how happy and settled he is here. Would you do that to Seth? Drag him away from a place he's loved and well cared for, for your own selfish needs?"
"I…I don't know Sandy. I hope I'll never be in that position." She answered quietly, nursing her drink in her hands.
He took her in his arms and kissed her head lightly.
"Me too Honey, me too."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm so glad you asked to see me Ryan. Can I ask you what changed your mind? I mean, Sandy's kept me in touch with what's been going on in your life, but he always made it quite clear that you never asked about me."
Ryan looked down at his feet. How could he tell her that he'd thought about her every day, that the pain of seeing her leave the Cohens that day last fall was never far from the surface and that he'd hated her for it.
"I don't know," he began hesitantly, "I just….". He sighed heavily and stopped walking, thrusting his hands deep into his pockets. He turned and looked directly at her, his blue eyes steady.
"Mom, I'm really glad you're here. You look really good, you know. " He didn't add, "I just hope this'll last".
Dawn smiled at him and put her hand up to his face. She brushed his hair out of his eyes. He pulled his head back slightly, wary of her touch.
"I know what you're thinking sweetie. Can I hold it together?"
He didn't answer but he half smiled back and they continued walking.
Dawn looked out toward the ocean, observed the surfers and the yachts, the teenage girls tanning themselves and the little kids playing on the sand. This was so far from what she was used to, so far from what her kid had been used to. Was he settled in this place? Was he happy here? She hoped he was, she'd taken a gamble when she left him. According to Sandy things were working out but how did Ryan feel about it?
"So, Sandy tells me you've had a kind of up and down year."
"I guess" he replied cautiously, refusing to meet her eyes.
"He mentioned something about a suspension and a couple of incidents with guns?"
She looked across at him, her face a picture of concern.
"Hey, you can take the boy out of Chino but you can't take Chino out of the boy! " he joked venomously. He saw her face cloud with anxiety and felt ashamed.
"Actually, ….not a lot of that stuff was to do with me but I kind of have a habit of getting mixed up in things."
She nodded as if she understood.
He wondered what else Sandy had told her. Did she know about Theresa and the baby? Eddie? Marissa? Had Sandy told her any of the good stuff? Did she know about his place on the soccer team, the good grades, and the friends he'd made? Maybe if all she had heard were bad, she would want him to leave Newport. The thought alarmed him. Was this why she'd agreed to come? Had she decided Newport was no better than Chino? Did she want him back?
His stomach started churning with anxiety. He wrapped his arms around himself tightly, his body rigid with tension. How could he refuse her if she asked? She'd always relied upon him. He couldn't let her down could he? But shit, return to Chino again? He'd just been given a second chance.
As if reading his thoughts Dawn began speaking again.
"You know Ry, I'm so proud of you. From what Sandy says, you've really settled in well here, made a life for yourself." She looked across at him questioningly.
"I guess" he replied, "Things aren't perfect here, but yeah, I'm getting on OK. And the Cohens are…"
His voice trailed. How could he describe to his mother what the Cohens meant to him without implicitly criticizing her?
"The Cohens are everything I'm not huh?"
"I didn't say that Mom"
"I know kiddo, but seeing you with them tonight? You seemed so relaxed, so part of their world, their family."
"Does that disappoint you?" he snapped, his anxiety overcoming his reticence.
The realization suddenly came upon Dawn as she saw his eyes flashing with fear. He thought she wanted him back. He thought she was here to take him away from them.
"Oh sweetie, look, I came here because you asked me to and because I wanted to see you. I have no intention of asking you to leave. My God, is that what you thought? It is what you thought!" as she saw Ryan sit down and hug his knees to his chest.
She moved closer to him and knelt down, enveloping him in her arms. He stayed rigid but didn't shrug her off.
"Ryan, Ryan listen to me," she pleaded as she took his face in her hands and forced him to look at her.
"The hardest thing I ever did was leave you here. I don't know if you understand that. I love you Ryan, you're my son. But I couldn't give you what you needed, what you deserved. I've screwed up my life I know and I've been a lousy Mom to you and Trey. I get that, OK? This was the one good thing I could do for you. You deserved so much better than what I was giving you kiddo. You're so smart, you could really do something with your life."
He let her finish, waiting patiently, digging his toes into the sand.
"It's OK Mom, I get it, I do."
"Really? And you…you forgive me?" she asked tentatively.
"Mom, there's nothing to forgive. I see that now. I'm sorry I froze you out. I just thought you didn't want me around. I thought…I thought I was too much trouble…"
He paused and struggled to regain his composure, his eyes heavy with unshed tears. He swallowed deeply and continued in a whisper
"I'm guessing you know about the baby…"
Dawn nodded silently, her face full of compassion for her grieving child. She took his hand in hers and squeezed it tightly.
"When Theresa…."he took a deep breath.
"Before Theresa …. lost the baby, I found out it was mine. I didn't really expect it, but I felt, you know, proud and …." His voice trailed away and he looked, unseeing, towards the horizon.
"And you loved it. And then you lost it." She finished simply.
He nodded, unable to speak. He bit his lip as he struggled to keep his emotions in check.
"I'm sorry kiddo, I'm so, so sorry."
Ryan pulled himself up from the sand and put out his hand for his mother.
He wanted to move on from this conversation quickly. Talking about it was just too painful. He couldn't talk about it with Dawn any more than he could with the Cohens. Hell, he couldn't even talk about it with Theresa, and she was going through the same thing. He took a deep breath and brushed his hair away from his face. He'd tried not to think about Theresa lately. He felt guilty that he'd made no attempt to contact her, comfort her or be there for her. He was just so goddamn tired of having to be there for people, for Marissa, for Theresa, for his mother. What he really wanted to do was shut himself away in the Pool house and forget all the bad things that had happened over the last few months. He didn't want to deal with any of them.
They had reached the end of the beach. Dawn sensed his reticence to discuss the baby further and looked over at him questioningly.
"Buy you an ice cream?"
"Yeah, yeah that'd be great," he replied, "the Bal boa bars are good"
"OK sweetie. Wait here and I'll fetch them"
He watched her as she joined the small queue in front of the ice cream kiosk. He needed to find out what her plans were. Now that he knew she wasn't expecting him to join her, he needed to make sure she was going to be OK. He'd noticed that no one had discussed her plans at dinner. He certainly hadn't wanted to bring them up, afraid that the Cohen's would offer their help once again. He knew she would find it harder than he would to turn offers of help down and he didn't want the Cohens to feel they had to help her just because of him. Maybe she and Sandy had discussed it all ready and just not told him. Who knew? He was used to being kept in the dark, it wouldn't surprise him if Sandy and Kirsten had a whole plan sorted out for Dawn.
She returned quickly and they sat down together on the warm sand, eating their ice cream in silence, each lost temporarily in their own thoughts.
Just as Ryan had mustered up the courage to ask Dawn outright what she was planning to do, she reached into her pocket and drew out an envelope.
"Ryan sweetie, I have something for you."
He raised his eyebrows, took the envelope from her and drew out its contents.
"A plane ticket to Wilmington, North Carolina?" He looked across at her, confused.
"Remember Frank and Lily, our neighbors in Fresno?"
Ryan struggled to think back to his life as an eight year old.
"Uncle Frank?"
"Yeah. I thought you'd remember. They were always real good to you and Trey."
Ryan nodded, not sure where this conversation was leading them.
"They've moved out there, to the East coast. They run a ranch near the ocean. I got back in touch with them while I was in the Clinic. They're struggling to keep up with the place on their own and they've invited me to go stay with them. Free board and lodging in return for help around the ranch."
"North Carolina?" Ryan questioned, shocked at how far away she intended to go.
"I know it's a long way away Ryan. But I think this is the best chance I have of staying clean. I can't go back to Chino. Too many memories, too many people who'll tempt me back to my old ways. This way I have a chance. It's very quiet there; a small community, and Frank and Lily are good people. "
She spoke now with a sense of urgency and scoured her son's face for clues as to his reaction. If he wasn't one hundred percent sure about it, then she couldn't go. More than anything else, she didn't want him to feel she was abandoning him again.
He sat and fingered the ticket.
"And the ticket?" he responded finally.
"For you sweetie. For any time you need it. Just get on the plane and I'll be there waiting."
She looked at him hopefully, trying not to appear as if she was pleading. She wanted him to understand that he had a choice and that if he wanted to stay with the Cohens then she wouldn't stand in his way. But that she would be there for him if he needed her.
Wordlessly he folded up the ticket and tucked it safely into the back pocket of his jeans. He swallowed deeply and turned to face her.
"I love you Mom."
She smiled back and they hugged each other tightly.
"Me too, sweetie, me too,"
Fin