Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-gi-oh, and thankfully, I don't own any of the atrocious notions I am parodying. I do own my Mary Sue, Lily, so don't steal her please. I worked long and hard to make her an adorable little Mary Sue for good little boys and girls to learn what not to do from. I also don't own My Little Pony, and the Sennen Nipple Ring is the property of Shimmersea.

Lily groaned as she came to, her head pounding and a sick feeling welling up from her belly. She was laying face-down on the cold, hard ground, sharp rocks and sticks poking into her delicate skin. Her fingers curled against the packed earth and she made another unhappy noise, opening her eyes slowly and trying to ignore the pain. She felt as if she had gotten run over by a very large truck, and then dragged through hot coals besides. Her trip wasn't supposed to turn out like this!

Then again, at least she wasn't dead. Perhaps her Priest had saved her! Or her long-lost brother, the Pharaoh!

Gritting her teeth, she pushed herself up to a sitting position and blinked as she came face-to-face with a small white-haired youth with a ball of yarn thrown over his shoulder. He looked awfully familiar…

He blinked at her. "Are you okay?" he asked. "I rescued you from those soldiers before they could kill you, but it looked like they really clobbered you! You've been unconscious for four days, and you were bleeding profusely from your head, but your wound seems to have healed all by itself and your pretty hair is as clean as before!"

"Four days?" she repeated, her silvery-gray eyes widening in disbelief. She hadn't slept that long since the week after finals! "Wait, you saved me? But…you're just a kid."

He frowned but did not say anything.

She suddenly realized she was being rude, and as a well-bred lady, that just wouldn't do. "Thank you," she said softly, reaching out to ruffle his hair; it was surprisingly soft despite its pointed, wild look. Now she remembered him; he was one of the grubby-faced children in the village she had visited. She noted with distaste that his clothes were a wreck and desperately needed dry-cleaning, if they even had that in ancient times. She had a feeling that if they didn't, she would have to invent it, because who could live without dry-cleaning? "What's your name?"

"Touzoku," he said sullenly.

"Touzoku?" Her brow furrowed. "Your name is Thief?"

He puffed his chest out. "I am Touzoku-ou Bakura!" he declared expansively, "and I'm going to kill the Pharaoh and make him bleed and suffer 'n stuff." He blinked owlishly. "Then I'm going to take up shoe-making."

"High aspirations for such a little guy," she said distractedly, her mind already drifting to daydreams of Priest Set dressed in even fewer garments than normal. "I wish you well in your endeavors." She stood up and brushed off her clothes as daintily as she could, the sunlight glittering off of one of her many bracelets.

"What's that?" the little white-haired boy asked, pointing to her glittering golden bracelet. He seemed entranced by its beauty, and she could only presume it reflected her own, though really, a mere piece of magical golden jewelry simply could not compete with her natural splendor. She glowed brighter than the sun and moon, or so said that black-haired boy who had been desperately trying to get into her pants. It was a shame she was destined to be with Priest Seto; the boy had been awfully attractive.

"This?" Lily asked, kneeling back down and letting the sunlight catch along the bracelet's edge, showing off the crudely sketched stylized eyes along its length. "It's my Sennen Bracelet. I got it at Wal-Mart for 14.99. Sennen Items are all the rage back home. Just about every Sennen Item you can imagine has been imported from questionable places."

The boy's eyes widened. "What does it do?" he breathed, his slender fingers twitching convulsively.

"Well," she said as she straightened up. "The packaging said it came with a yami, but I haven't seen one yet." Honestly, she was not sure she wanted an evil spirit living in her mind. It might come out and abuse her like she imaged that icky white-haired spirit did to his host, despite the fact that they shared a body and abusing his host would essentially be incapacitating his own body, and that didn't make sense even to her. Then again, if she had an evil creature after her, she would need the High Priest's protection that much more, and he would feel much obliged to save her from her wretched fate. He could defeat the vile creature, free her of its iron grip forever, and then propose in an overly romantic fashion. Oh, the possibilities were endless!

"I also have a Sennen Nipple Ring™," she continued cheerfully, one hand dropping to the hem of her shirt. "Would you like to see?"

"No!" the boy squeaked as he sped away. "Girls are icky," he muttered as he vanished into a building, wondering what in the world had inspired him to save the stranger. He wiped his hands on his tattered shirt as if trying to remove something sticky and disgusting and vowed to never help another pretty maiden for as long as he lived. Or, well, at least until he grew older. Finally alone, he settled down to brood and wallow in his hatred and devise cunning plans to overthrow the Pharaoh and have his revenge.

He was also awfully hungry.

Lily heaved a flimsy little sigh that sounded like the tolling of millions of tiny, delicate bells. The boy just did not know how to be polite, despite his heroic acts. She would bet her life that he would not have saved that milk-skinned Kisara from the soldiers! That just PROVED that her ka was more special. Soon everyone would see that Kisara was worthless, and her own Blue Eyes White Dragon was infinitely more powerful, and they would place her up on a crystal dais where she belonged.

"Well," she said aloud, "I can't stay here all day. I need to go find my Priest so we can Fall in Love and live Happily Ever After." She dramatically lifted her arm to the sky, her bracelet catching the light for the millionth time. "Sennen Bracelet!" she intoned. "Show me the way to my heart's desire!"

For a moment, nothing happened. Then a rainbow erupted in the sky, flying across the endless expanse of blue that just so happened to match her frilly panties and ended at a point just to her west. She definitely knew it was the west, since that was where the sun rose, and she had passed Girl Scouts with flying colors.

Gathering up her skirts so she could walk unhindered and bare her pretty toned legs, she set off towards the west, her chin held high. She hadn't gotten more than a few dozens steps before a blonde and tan shape barreled into her, nearly knocking her onto her petit derriere.

"OhmygoshI'msorryIdidn'tseeyouthere!" the figure gasped, reaching out a strong arm to steady her. Her splendiferous eyes lifted to meet a pair of vivid lilac orbs and she felt her mouth go dry. "Myname'sMalik,what'syours?"

She just stared stupidly, a thin line of drool forming at the edge of her full, pouty, naturally red lips. She couldn't recall him being in Ancient Egypt, or looking so yummy!

He passed an attractively bronzed hand in front of her eyes, frowning when she didn't follow the movement. "Areyouallright? Ididn'thityoutoohard,didI?"

She snapped out of it, shaking her thick golden hair and licking her lips. "No, I'm fine," she said, her eyes fixed on his chiseled chest and the rest of his well-defined form. She could make out his muscles through his baggy cream-colored shirt, as well as other things. Thank goodness for my Sennen X-Ray Contacts. They don't even get dry in this oppressive Egyptian heat!

He nodded, his lilac eyes barely resting on anything for long. "I'mgladyou'reokay, butIhavetogonow, mysexslaveranoffthatwayandifIcan'tcatchuptoRishidI'llcry."

"I'll be your sex slave!" she cried out, but it was too late. He had already dashed away, leaving nothing but a cloud of dust in his wake. Her lower lip trembled, and she was so upset she nearly uttered a naughty word.

Suddenly, the weight of her words struck her. Had she just almost given herself to a complete stranger? How dreadful! She had to remain at least marginally pure for her High Priest, for he would accept nothing less than perfection. She was walking perfection as it was, but purity – whether real or contrived – simply added to her appeal. She couldn't go offering herself to every attractive male that passed by, or she would never find time to seek out her One True Love! Though of course, a dalliance here or there couldn't be held against her.

She was jolted out of her thoughts by an annoying blast of digitalized music. She pawed into her purse which had remained conveniently absent until she needed it and plucked out her Sennen Cell Phone, an ominous eye painted on the back; they really did sell an awful lot of Sennen Items back home, though she highly doubted an evil spirit would choose to reside in a cell phone, though supposedly every contrived Sennen Item came equipped with its own powerful entity. She flipped it open and held it to her delicate ear. "Hello?" she breathed.

"Yes, I'd like to order thirteen thousand sausage and egg pizzas," a gravelly voice informed her.

"What? Who is this?"

"My name's Bandit Keith, please deliver them to the abandoned warehouse in the middle of nowhere in Domino City as soon as possible, I'm expecting company."

"Uhm, this isn't a pizza place."

Silence.

"It's not?"

"Nope."

"Oh. Sorry to bother you then." Another pause. "Hey, you sound pretty sexy, can I have your number?"

"…you just called my phone."

"Oh yeah! Well, uhm, I'll meet you in the seediest part of town at 3 in the morning. Bring all the drugs, money, and hookers you can find. Bye!"

Lily blinked as the phone went dead. Good thing to know modern electronics worked in ancient Egypt.

She sighed and tossed her gorgeous, shiny blonde hair over her creamy pale shoulder and set off with a purposeful stride. She had half a mind to summon her Blue Eyes White Dragon ka to carry her directly to the castle, but she was afraid some moronic townsmen or whatever those commoners were called here would get frightened and try to shoot them down with their primitive little arrows. She doubted they could kill her almighty ka, but an arrow through the arm just wouldn't look very dainty.

She had been walking for upwards of fifteen minutes – though she would have sworn on her dead parents' graves that it had been hours upon hours of dreadful trudging – when she heard the distant sound of hooves. She did not question how she knew what hooves on sand sounded like, nor what horses were doing in the middle of a desert anyway, or even if the owner of said sound WAS equine. Her thoughts leaving her out of breath, she paused and squinted, staring out across the endless desert.

Soon enough, a bright pink and purple creature appeared on the horizon, moving towards her at a frightening pace. Despite herself, she whimpered and clutched her rags closer to her svelte form, wishing she had not traded her posh attire for the local garb. Her multi-hued eyes grew with every passing second until they took up an enormous portion of her face, a few tears trailing down her cheeks, cutting rivulets through non-existent dirt. She had put on dirt-resistant foundation before leaving. She extended her lower lip into a pout and huddled in on herself more.

If this was her rescuer, she would have to look the part of a damsel in distress, after all.

Her elation plummeted as she noticed the rider was distinctly female. Her mount, however, was a curiosity. Its body was pink and purple and every shade in between, its elegantly flowing mane and tail pitch black, and its eyes a flashing blue the color of the sky just before the sun manages to set. A golden pitchfork was stamped on the beast's rump, droplets of blood oozing from the prongs. She thought of dozens of extra adjectives to tack onto the curious beast before she noticed its crowning feature.

A golden horn, a good four feet in length, protruded from its forehead.

A gasp rose unbidden from her throat. A unicorn!

The rider and steed drew to a stop before her, the girl peering down and obviously vastly impressed by the stranger's beauty. She stood tall and proud on the unicorn's back, her clothes in shambles and dirt smudged on her cheeks. Strangely enough, she, too, had pale skin; where were all these light people coming from? It was bad enough Kisara shared the same skin color, but now this girl?

"Who are you?" the rider demanded, her voice harsh and grating. Her brown hair was shorn at the shoulders, ragged and obviously done herself. Her crystal blue eyes were knocked under as if she hadn't had much sleep in a while, and truth be told, she was rather scrawny.

"I am Lily," she responded graciously, tilting her head to acknowledge the rider. She recognized this girl, and she knew to get rid of her. She deftly slipped her hand into her bottomless purse and withdrew her Sennen Rock, guaranteed to hit its target every time. One true pitch and the wicked dancer girl plummeted from her mount, tumbling into the sand like a piece of lead.

"Splendid," Lily purred as she approached the beast, one hand extended calmly. The animal snorted and shied away for a few moments before warily straining its neck to sniff at her proffered hand. The beautiful unicorn soon shifted forward to request a pat.

Shortly thereafter, Lily set off across the desert, riding in style. It befitted her future station, after all.