Disclaimer: We DO own Riddick! ( kermit and SpoonGirl throw themselves on Riddick, who is chained up in a very kinky way, in kermit's basement)
Suddenly a group of scary lawyers come in......
Lawyers: Girls, you'll have to give us Riddick now. He doesn't belong to you.
Us: Yes he does! We kidnapped him and now he's our property!
Lawyers: Fine, but....Orlando Bloom is a WOMAN!!!!
SpoonGirl screams and falls over, clutching her ears and rocking back and forth, muttering "It's not true...it's not true...it's not true!"
kermit: Hah! Your evil words don't work on me! I am invincible!
Lawyers: Would you consider swapping Riddick for Spike ?
kermit: OOOH! Hot spikeness! ( drools and goes into catatonic spike state)
While SpoonGirl keeps muttering to herself and kermit is in catatonic mode, lawyers unchain Riddick and run off with him.
kermit ( comes out of catatonic mode and wipes drool off her chin) Damnit! They stole our Riddick!
SpoonGirl keeps muttering and doesn't look up. kermit sighs and waves chocolate bar under her nose.
SpoonGirl: Oooh! Sugar! ( grabs chocolate bar and hides in corner with it, in a very Gollum-like fashion)
kermit: ahem can we focus on the real problem here ? They stole our Riddick!
SpoonGirl: Oh well, let's go steal him back then!
Girls put on Mission Impossible type spy outfits and run out of room. Then SpoonGirl runs back in.
SpoonGirl: Sorry about that. We forgot that you guys were waiting for the chapter.
Readers: About bloody time!
SpoonGirl: Okay, roll chapter! Happy readings everybody!
Riddick took his shiv off the neck of the girl who had been giggling insanely and scowled fiercely at her.
"Follow me. And if you even think about trying anything funny, like running off, I'll cut your friends throat."
Instead of becoming terrified, SpoonGirl1 shot a quick look at kermit and grinned even more broadly ( if such a thing was possible) as the crazed laughter bubbled up in her throat again.
Kermit333 shot her an evil look and she clapped her hands over her mouth, stifling the giggle.
"Sorry," she said. "I had too much sugar today and I'm kind of hyper."
Riddick just looked at her, before starting to follow Johns and Carolyn's tracks, pulling kermit333 along with him.
SpoonGirl1 ran to keep up and then started skipping again, humming a tune that was unknown to Riddick.
The whole time Riddick had been talking, kermit333 had been looking thoughtful and now she spoke,
"Shouldn't we introduce ourselves if we're gonna be like, y'know, your hostages ?"
Riddick groaned inwardly and started to seriously reconsider using these girls as hostages.
"All right," he said. "What're names ?"
"I'm kermit333," said the brunette girl. "But you can just call me kermit."
"And, I'm SpoonGirl1, otherwise known as SpoonGirl or Spoonie," said the blonde.
"What kind of names are those ?" Riddick asked, wondering what kind of parents would give their kids names like theirs.
"Well, what kind of a name is Riddick ?" said SpoonGirl, getting really annoyed that he had insulted her name.
"It's a really sexy name," kermit said, trying to sound helpful.
Riddick stopped walking and looked with a mix of exasperation and surprise at the girls.
"Not to ruin you ladies fantasies, but I'm a murderer. As in I kill people."
"We know," the girls chirped.
"Well, most normal people think murderers are evil and they DON'T call them sexy."
The girls looked at him, like he was the crazy one.
"We are NOT, nor will we EVER be normal." kermit said, carefully stressing each word.
"Besides, you being a murderer is actually kinda cool."
Riddick looked at the blonde, who grinned back at him and then turned to her friend.
"What is wrong with her, again ?"
kermit looked at SpoonGirl and then back at Riddick and shrugged.
"There's nothing wrong with Spoonie exactly. She just likes rather different stuff than other people do."
"And what about you ?"
"Well, sure the whole psychotic-berzerker rage-murderer thing is a little bit creepy, but I can overlook it, 'cause you're really hot."
Riddick looked closer at her, trying to figure out if she really did think he was hot or if she was just lying to keep him happy.
Shaking his head, he began dragging her behind him again.
As they were walking, a dark shape appeared on the horizon. When they got closer, they could see that it was the hull of the Hunter Gratzner.
Suddenly shots rang out and SpoonGirl "eeped" and ran and hid behind Riddick.
"SpoonGirl," whispered kermit, so Riddick couldn't hear her. "You don't have to be scared. This is the part where Zeke shoots the random survivor guy and then goes to bury the body and then he dies and Shazza sees Riddick over the grave and then everyone thinks he killed Zeke, remember ?"
A look of understanding came over SpoonGirl's face.
"Oh, right."
Almost instantly, the look was replaced with one of panic.
"But-but that means that Riddick gets all kinkily chained up...."
kermit looked at SpoonGirl like she was crazy.
"And that's a bad thing why ?"
"Cause that means that he'll be all chained up....."
"So ?"
"So he won't be able to protect us from the scary creatures....... and ....and that means we're gonna die!"
Before kermit could remind SpoonGirl that Riddick gets unchained eventually, SpoonGirl ran off screaming in a blind panic.
She didn't get very far though as Riddick grabbed the back of her shirt as she ran past and dragged her back towards him.
He deposited his shiv into his boot and making sure he had a tight grip on both the girls, looked down at SpoonGirl who had stopped screaming, but was muttering something about horrible deaths by decapitation or disembowelment.
"What did I say about trying to run away ?"
SpoonGirl looked guiltily down at her Chucks and muttered something else.
"What was that ?"
"Sorry......but please don't cut kermit's throat! I promise I won't do it again!"
They couldn't see his eyes behind his goggles, but kermit could almost swear that Riddick was rolling his eyes at SpoonGirl.
"Fine, but if you do try it again, I'll cut both your throats."
Without waiting for her to answer, he started off again, dragging both of the girls along with him.
Riddick deposited the two girls behind a chunk of the Gratzner that had come off during the crash, where they wouldn't be seen. He decided it would be safe to leave them there without having to worry about them running away.
Actually, he was more worried that they would follow him.
Why, why do my hostage have to be so...... weird ?
Turning back to the two girls, he spoke quietly so he wouldn't draw any unwanted attention.
"Stay."
Kermit and SpoonGirl nodded their heads vigorously, while giggling insanely.
All Riddick could do was shake his head and sigh.
Coming up closer to the main hull of the ship, Riddick could hear voices talking seriously and just off in the distance, Zeke was dragging a body over to a partially dug hole.
Stopping to watch from behind a boulder, Riddick idly drew patterns in the sand with his shiv.
What the hell was he going to do with the two freaks he'd taken captive ?
They were kinda' hot, but he knew they were going to drive him crazy.
Why did I take them hostage again ? It's not like we have a way off of this shit-hole of a planet. Guess I could wait until they figure out a way off and-
His thoughts were interrupted when he heard a scream coming from just up ahead of him.
There were gunshots and then silence.
Running to the hole, Riddick realized Zeke must have disappeared down the small cave-in, near the back of the pit.
Pushing aside some of the dirt, he looked into the cave-in.
There was something down there and it definitely wasn't human.....
He had just climbed out of the hole, when he heard pounding footsteps coming in his direction.
The woman, Shazza came running over to the hole and fell to her knees in front of it.
She screamed Zeke's name, but of course there was no response.
Riddick was about to move, when she looked up, her eyes pinning him in place.
Shit. So much for going unnoticed.
He started running, but didn't see Johns appear from behind some of the bones.
He fell to the hard ground, when Johns tripped him, but tried to push himself up.
Johns struck him again and managed to yank his goggles off, even as Riddick fought back.
Suddenly two dark shapes appeared from nearby. One of them threw themselves onto Johns back and started hitting him on the head, while the other kicked him in the knees.
"Bastard! Leave Riddick alone!"
Johns threw the girl from his back and pointed his gauge at the both of them.
They started running away, but Riddick heard one of them call back.
"Sorry Riddick! We'll save you later! Besides don't you like survival instincts in a woman ?"
With Johns distracted by the two girls, Riddick tried to get up again, but received a swift kick in the ribs from Shazza
"He killed Zeke!"
She kicked him again, this time in the head.
"Shazza!"
Carolyn ran over and pulled the distraught woman back before she could strike him again.
"Kill him. Just kill him!"
Johns turned back to Riddick, as he made yet another attempt to get up and whipped him hard on the head with his gauge, causing Riddick to fall unconscious.
Riddick opened his eyes and shook his head, to clear it.
He looked around, but the minute he did, he wished he was still unconscious.
Sitting on the floor right in front of him were two concerned looking girls.
Great, more fuel for this burning headache.
Seeing that he was awake, the two girls breathed a sigh of relief.
........And then Spoongirl lunged at him and clung desperately to his leg.
"You're awake! Now you can protect us from the evil man!"
Kermit smiled. "Chains suit you."
Riddick didn't even want to try to respond to that comment.
"Who's the evil man ?" He asked.
"Johns, who else. But then Spoonie has seen too many movies where he plays an evil guy."
"What ?"
"That's not the point though," she continued, ignoring his total confusion. "You look really good in chains."
Sighing, Riddick thought of what to say.
At length he responded, "so would you." At which the whimpering coming from the still-clinging Spoongirl ceased, only to be replaced by insane giggling.
I have to admit, as much as it annoys me, I kinda missed that.
Their little reunion was interrupted though, by Carolyn storming into the room.