Harry Potter & The Sorcerer's Song
Chapter Two
By starstruck & Tuvok Pi Alpha.
--
The curtain opens. The audience groans. The baby resumes it's crying.
A girl dressed in hot pink with a blue cape heads onto the stage.
SONG FOUR: Ten Years Ago
(sung to the tune of "Ten Minutes Ago" from Rodgers & Hammerstein's Cinderella)
Ten ye-hears ago, we met him
Dumbledore left him here at the door
The sign girl gestures to the big plastic door that indicates '7 Pivet Drive'. An audience member wearing a witch hat yells "FOUR! IT'S NUMBER FOUR, PRIVET DRIVE".
Your heads were all reeling
They gave you bad feelings
Their singing was cracking the floor
Several offstage voices yell "HEY!"
Ten ye-hears ago, we met him
"Dumbledore" suddenly comes on stage. The music pauses. He leans over and whispers very loudly to the sign girl.
DUMBLEDORE: IT WAS ELEVEN YEARS.
SIGN GIRL: ...not yet.
DUMBLEDORE: OH. SORRY.
Dumbledore exits. The music continues.
And they murmured their sweet, short goodbyes
You wanted to ring out that they shouldn't sing out
But then they all said more goodbyes
I just rhymed good-bye with goodbye
That has happened so much in this play
They were dancing, they were singing
And hey look there goes Sa-han-ta's sleigh!
I'm sorry that was so random
It's not like I wrote this dumb play
Besides pretty soooh-hooon
This song will be over
And so will be Santa's sleigh!
There is yet another long pause. The silence is broken by a loud audible whisper of "I don't get it."
SIGN GIRL: Screw this.
The sign girl exits.
There is another pause. Hagrid enters. "What the HELL?" yelps an audience member.
HAGRID: Oops, sorry, wrong scene!
Hagrid exits hastily, passing "Harry", who is no longer a doll, but still seems to be missing a head.
DIRECTOR offstage: HARRY, PULL YOUR DAMN SHIRT BACK DOWN SO WE CAN SEE YOUR HEAD.
He pulls down his shirt the reveal his face. As one, the audience screams. Harry is played by a fat, ugly, fat, old, fat old man.
HARRY: Oh dear. I am so small and skinny.
An audience member laughs.
HARRY: AHEM. It must be because I have lived in a cupboard all my life here at my evil stepmother's house.
"Petunia" walks onstage and blinks at the bright lights.
PETUNIA: I am Harry's evil AUNT. Not stepmother. Aunt.
HARRY: Right.
PETUNIA: Here's the backstory – we hate Harry. Lots. We have a son. Pudley.
HARRY: Dudley.
PETUNIA: I said Dudley.
HARRY: No you didn't.
PETUNIA: Yes I did.
HARRY: You said Pudley.
PETUNIA: No, I didn't.
HARRY: YES, you did.
Dumbledore heads onstage and blows a whistle.
DUMBLEDORE: Alright, break it up.
PETUNIA: But he said I said Pudley!
DUMBLEDORE: You did.
PETUNIA: Why is everyone against me?
DUMBLEDORE & HARRY: Because you said Pudley.
PETUNIA: NO I DIDN'T. End of conversation.
HARRY: WHATEVER. Moving on.
PETUNIA: Today, it is Fudley's birthday.
DUMBLEDORE: Dudley.
PETUNIA: I said Dudley.
HARRY: Whatever. Let's keep moving.
Dudley heads onstage and gives Dumbledore a weird look before waddling over to Petunia. He is also very fat, and there is an audible sigh of relief from the audience. At least they got one of the characters right.
DUDLEY: Where am I?
PETUNIA: Wudley, darling...
Dumbledore looks like he is about to correct her, but Harry gives him a look.
PETUNIA: ...you are in the kitchen. It is your birthday. Guess how many presents you have!
DUDLEY: W-T-F?
Uncle Vernon runs onstage and barks. An audience member wonders aloud "Is that a... dog?"
PETUNIA: ANYWAY. Guess how many presents you have, my marvelous Mudley.
DUMBLEDORE: Oh my god.
HARRY: Why are you here, anyway? You're not in this scene.
Dumbledore appears very miffed. He makes a dramatic exit, robes billowing behind him.
PETUNIA: Tudley, dear, you have THIRTY SIX PRESENTS.
Dudley blinks. Lively music begins. Dudley continues blinking. The music ends. As the music begins again, Harry nudges Dudley.
SONG FIVE: Last Time
(sung to the tune of Sarah Connor's "Bounce")
He-eh-ay-eh-ayyyyyy
Hu-ohhhh-ha-ehhh
Uhhh-eh-uh-uh-uh
I ain't gonna take this no more no
Oh baby
Last time, there were more
I ain't gonna take this no more
I just rhymed more with more
Get me some more
Or else I'm out the door
Cause last time, there were more
So I ain't gonna take this no more
Again, I rhymed more with more…
Get me some more
Or I'll punch out your lights!
So you'd better get more!
The baby begins to cry louder. The audience joins in. The music stops and the scene resumes. The audience's cries turn into a soft sobbing. The baby wails.
PETUNIA: Well, Studley, we're going to go buy you more on our way to the zoo. Does that sound ok?
Dudley tries to nod, but has immense trouble as his neck is nearly non-existent.
Petunia grabs Dudley's grubby hand and tells Harry to come along. She holds out a dog treat, and Vernon comes running.
The curtain closes for the preparation of the 'zoo' scene, and the audience wants to run, but somehow they can't move.
Harry steps out in front of the curtain, about to sing a song to buy time for the stage crew. The baby cries again.
SONG SIX: I am Miserable
(sung to the tune of Christina Aguilera's 'Beautiful')
Mmm mmm mmm mmmm mmm mmmmmmmmmmmmm
Moohhhhhhhhhhh
Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ahhh ahhhh
Ahhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh
Oooooooooooooh
Everyday they think he's wonderful
But Dudley's fat
And I am not
(An audience member laughs.)
All the time I feel so unloved
They don't love me
They never will
I am miserable
From all the things they say
Family's all I-I need
I am miserable
From all the things they say
Yes, family's all I-I need, heeee heeeeed
I want a family todaaaaaay!
Mmmmmm mmmmmm
Ten years ago there was an accident
My parents died
So hard they tried
Ooooo oo-ooo-ooo mmmmmmm
Tryin' hard to save my sorry arse
Their lives – just go-oh-oh-ne
They were in so mu-hu-ch pain
And I wa-ah-sn't!
I am miserable
From all the things they say
Family's all I-I need heeee heeeeed
I am miserable
From all the things they say
Yes, family's all I-I need, heeee heeeeed
I want a family todaaaaaay!
Harry finishes his ballad. The audience gapes at him. Everyone has stopped crying. Forget the terrible acting, lyrics, and the awful tunes most of the songs are based on, and, oh yeah, the fact that a fat old man is playing Harry. Harry's voice is so stunningly gorgeous that they have forgotten all this. Suddenly, they decide to burst into simultaneous applause rather than plan escape during intermission.
Harry smiles a bit and glances nervously back at the curtain, which is still closed. There is a loud crash backstage.
STAGE MANAGERfrom the curtain: STALL, HARRY, STALL!
HARRY: Uh.
STAGE MANAGER: REALLY. WE'RE GONNA BE AWHILE.
HARRY: Er. Anyone fancy a bit of standup.
The audience is silent.
HARRY: Is that a yes.
RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER: SING, HARRY, SING.
There are suddenly chants of "Sing, Sing, Sing, Sing, Sing."
HARRY: Uhhh...
SONG SIX AND THREE QUARTERS: I am Miserable Reprise
(sung to the tune of Christina Aguilera's 'Beautiful')
Mmm mmm mmm mmmm mmm mmmmmmmmmmmmm
Moohhhhhhhhhhh
Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ahhh ahhhh
Ahhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhh
Oooooooooooooh
I am miserable
From all the things they say
Family's all I-I need
I am miserable
From all the things they say
Yes, family's all I-I need, heeee heeeeed
I want a family todaaaaaay!
Mmmmmm mmmmmm
Ooooo oo-ooo-ooo mmmmmmm
I am miserable
From all the things they say
Family's all I-I need heeee heeeeed
I am miserable
From all the things they say
Yes, family's all I-I need, heeee heeeeed
I want a family todaaaaaay!
The audience cries again – not from sorrow (gasp!) – but from pure, unadulterated bliss. Confused, Harry continues singing the chorus until (finally) the curtain opens.
The audience blinks. It seems rather impossible to have set problems with a set this simple – the only thing visible is a big, black sign reading ZOO. A child in the audience asks his father loudly where the animals are.
Petunia, Dudley, and Vernon the dog enter. Dudley waves.
DUDLEY: Hi, Mom!
Petunia hits him.
PETUNIA: Harry, we have been nice to you today. We gave you – uh – ehm – what's my line?
SCRIPT FOLLOWERALONGER: -- an ice lolly and a knickerbocker glory.
Half the audience frowns in confusion, wondering what the hell the Script Followeralonger is talking about. The other half rolls their eyes – the scriptwriter didn't do his homework – it's not an ice lolly in canon.
HARRY: Yes. Very nice of you.
DUDLEY: Hey I didn't get one.
Several audience members yell out "YES YOU DID" in frustration. Dudley stares at them, confused.
DUDLEY: Oh. Look. Snakes. Hee. Wow.
Several stage crew members dressed in black roll a fake-looking cage (with no glass) onto the stage. A woman in a form-fitting green catsuit is on it. Several idiotic male audience members whistle. The rest of the audience is merely confused.
PETUNIA: Look, Dudley! A snake!
VERNON: Woof!
DUDLEY: Oh, look. Wow.
HARRY: Poor snakey-poo. I bet you're sad.
The Dursleys, having nothing better to do, are all staring at Harry intently.
HARRY: I'm sad too! I don't have a family! Do you have a family? Haha. I am talking to a snake!
The snake begins to dance in a "sexy" way.
HARRY: Ooh. You are a pretty snake! Lalala. Where are you from? Canada? Is it nice there?
SNAKE: I was bred in captivity.
HARRY: Oh, no. He he. I am talking to a snake!
SNAKE: He he! I am talking to a human.
HARRY: He he! We are funny!
SNAKE: He he! No we're not!
HARRY: He he! You're right!
SNAKE: He he! I like you!
HARRY: He he! I like you too! Will you be my friend?
SNAKE: He he! Okay!
"FOR THE LOVE OF SNAPE, STOP IT WITH THE HEEING!" cries out a random audience member wearing a long black robe.
HARRY: I've never had a friend before.
As if he's been cued, Dudley runs up and jumps into the snake cage.
DUDLEY: Oh, no! I have fallen into the snake cake!
PETUNIA: Cake?
VERNON: Woof!
The snake dances sexily out of her cage.
SNAKE: The glass is gone! Thank you, friend. I am going to go to Canada now!
HARRY: Have you been there? Is it nice?
SNAKE: Bye.
DUDLEY: HARRY WAS TALKING TO THE SNAKE. O-M-G-L-O-L.
The snake runs off stage.
PETUNIA: HARRY YOU SUCK. I HATE YOU. YOU SUCK. VERNON WILL PUNISH YOU.
VERNON: Woof!
HARRY: Now I am sad.
VERNON: Woof!
HARRY: But I am always sad because I am miserable.
PETUNIA: Oh.
HARRY: You hate me! And everyone at school hates me because Dudley hates me.
PETUNIA: Yaaaaaaay!