Title: Moments of Regret
Disclaimer: I own no part of ER, or it's characters...
Summary: This is my first ER fic and it is an answer to a challenge from a group I am in. We were to write a dream and I had to write this after watching Neela yell at Ray when he left Arlo at the hospital. I hope you enjoy and thanks for reading!!
"How dare you yell at me then walk away?" He demanded.
"You said your peace. You made it perfectly clear your shift was over, you had your all important gig, and you couldn't possibly be bothered with the ER anymore tonight. Why are you here?" Neela questioned.
"You're right. I wasn't finished. I wanted to come back, to find him, talk to him…try and explain." He paused and realized how angry he'd been moments earlier. "How dare you lecture me on how to survive in here? You flaked Neela. You flaked out and they didn't think you could handle it here. It's a fast paced, think on your feet, no time to waste job and I hate to say it, but that just doesn't seem to be you. Hell, they sent you away to do research of all things." His hands mindlessly fidgeted with the stethoscope around his neck. Suddenly he was nervous and couldn't for the life of him figure out why. Ray Barnett was not a nervous man.
She was furious. "You egotistical idiot. I like to think I've proven myself since I returned and how dare you judge me. I am not the doctor that leaves without a second thought for a boy who needed me, a boy that was forced to make a decision about his father's life. How could you do such a thing to him? He can't possibly forgive you and you can't fix this one Ray. You cannot fix this one with a cookie or a donut or that smile of yours that seems to melt everyone around you." She turned and walked away.
He couldn't follow. He wanted to explain his way out of it like he always does but deep down he knew she was right. He'd left. He screwed up and he left a boy that needed him…a boy that needed his support.
"Thought your shift was over. What happened with the gig?"
He turned...assuming he should prepare himself for another argument and wondering how he'd gotten to the break room. "The gig was fine. Wanted to come back and check on things."
"Things Ray?" Abby tilted her head. "Don't you mean someone...a 15 year old boy maybe? Although I didn't think you felt guilty about what goes on at work. Work is work and when your shift is over, you're outta here. Isn't that how it goes?"
"I guess its gang up on Ray night huh Abby?" He sighed.
"You brought it on yourself Ray. Maybe you'll learn...maybe you won't. Maybe tonight won't make a difference and you'll continue on your merry way getting the patients in and out as fast as possible without ever really giving a damn." She looked at him one more time before turning to leave. As she opened the door Abby added, "I thought you could be different."
He glanced around the room and couldn't figure out where he'd lost his compassion he thought he once had. He used to care...he used to talk to patients and would listen, really listen. He'd been a different man. He studied, knew the medical books inside and out, put his band on hold and dedicated everything to being a great doctor. Somewhere along the way he forgot everything a doctor was supposed to be. Ray took a deep breath and walked through the door, hoping to find Arlo so he could explain.
Ray was outside in the pouring of all things. He hated to run but he had to escape. Ray had no idea where he was headed or how he got there, but he knew he couldn't stay where he was...he needed to be somewhere, anywhere else. He doesn't remember if he found Arlo or not...maybe his mind is blocking out whatever conversation they may have had. Maybe if he could get home...if he could just get home, put his headphones on and listen to some loud CDs he'd be better. Loud music always helps drown out the world.
Water was pouring off of him when he reached a door. He glanced around and wasn't sure he recognized the area but somehow opened it anyway and walked into the room. She was sitting in a chair...a picture frame in her hands and tears falling down her cheeks. He walked to her...brushed her hair out of her eyes and wiped the tears from her face. She leaned into his palm, slowly closing her eyes and whispered his name.
"Ray...Ray?" She waited for an answer as the rain and wind beat against the window. "RAY!"
"Hmm?" he said as he slowly opened his eyes and raised his head. He was at the hospital. He looked around the room. Chairs were everywhere and he realized he was in the waiting room. He glanced at the woman calling his name and grinned. "Hey" he mumbled as he stood and began another, hopefully easier, shift in the ER.