Title: Everything's Not Lost
Summary: Nick learns that not everything is lost.
Disclaimer: We all know I don't own Nick or Greg although I wish I did. Lyrics to Runaway Train belong to Soul Asylum. And I don't own them either.
Notes: This chapter is going to be between Nick and Greg to set up Nick's feelings on having Nina move in (even though it was his suggestion) and why he thinks Greg ran away.
Chapter Two: Runaway Train
Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same
--Soul Asylum "Runaway Train"
I sat on the couch waiting for Greg to get home. He had gone over to Nina's to help her pack up a few boxes. Whenever she called he seemed to go. It was like he was trying to make up for some horrible deed he had done in a past life. He never told her no. I don't see how anyone could though. One look into those brown eyes when she was sad and the only thought on your mind is to change the world so she's happy. I'd only known her a few short weeks and already she had me under her spell.
I watched the water drip down the side of the cool glass I had set down on the coffee table. I hadn't used a coaster. Nina probably would have told me to go get a coaster before I ruined the table. She reminded me a lot of Catherine. I had a dream one night that Nina found out about it and she had looked the same way Catherine had. Pity filled her eyes, but also anger. Almost as if she thought she should have been able to stop it somehow. I feel that way about the kids I see at crime scenes sometimes. As if I should have stopped them from having to bear so much pain all alone. I should be able to protect them from dying alone. Everyone else is always so worried about how they're going to die. I'm worried about who's going to be there when I die. Will anyone care? Will there be anyone around? Or will I have outlived everyone.
I had a dream once about my own funeral.
My mother wore the same satin black dress she had worn to my grandfather's funeral and she dabbed at her eyes with a tissue even though she wasn't crying.
My father sat next to her holding her hand in his lap no sign of expression on his face, just like it had been for the eighteen years I had lived with him.
My siblings were all lined up looking prim and proper. Exactly the way we were all brought up to be.
Behind them though were my coworkers. They were the only ones that looked real. The pain looked real. Not faked because I was their beloved son and brother, but because they might truly miss me.
Grissom sat on one end of the row, directly behind my mother. In a way he reminded me of my father. No emotion. Except sometimes Grissom let his eyes betray him and in this dream they did. For the first time Grissom was feeling loss. Now he might be able to sympathize with the victims a little more. Sara would be happy about that.
Sara sat next to him. Catherine had probably arranged that. She had always thought there was a glimmer of a chance he might realize all the pain he was causing Sara. I knew the bitter truth though. Grissom never realized anything until he had lost it. He would lose Sara soon enough. I'd never really seen Sara cry, but she was. And it was beautiful. You can't say that about a lot people when they cry. Their eyes get red and puffy and their faces scrunch up, but the tears seemed to magically fall. Like an angel sat on her shoulder delicately placing each one.
Catherine was the next one in line. She had rested her head on Warrick's shoulder. He was the only one she ever seemed to find comfort in. It might have been because he always seemed to have it together or maybe it was because he let her be scared without letting her know he knew she really was. I knew Catherine wouldn't cry in public. It would go against her very nature. She would wait for the security of her bedroom and maybe cry herself to sleep, trying to be as quite as possible so as not to wake Lindsey.
Warrick looked like Warrick. He must have picked up a few things from Grissom except Warrick's eyes always betrayed him, no matter what the circumstances. You just had to know how to read them. His brown eyes made him seem like a wounded puppy. They reminded me a lot of Nina's eyes only hers were like warm chocolate, something you could melt in. His were like coffee that had been left sitting in the cup for too long even though you had added just the right amount of cream and sugar to make it perfect. That was Warrick so close to being perfect except he lacked one key element and no one knew what that was.
Greg was next. He had never really been afraid to hide anything as long as it didn't have to do with his past. He wore his heart out on his sleeve and was easily hurt because of it. But he wasn't crying, he wasn't looking at the casket or the preacher or any of the others, he was staring at my mother and father a look of pure hatred on his face. I'll probably never know why. Maybe I'll ask him one day.
The door opening brought me out of reliving my dream and I took my eyes of the glass to look up at an exhausted Greg. He tossed the keys on the kitchen counter and took a seat on the couch next to me. We both stared at the water glass. The couch squeaked when Greg changed his position and I looked over at him. He looked lost and tired, but content in some way. I had to ask and there was no time like the present.
"Are they what you ran from?" The question didn't startle him. He must have been expecting it. He knows I have to talk about things and I think he's gotten pretty used to it by now.
"Yeah." He answered simply. Something in the way he said it though stopped me from questioning further. I decided to wait and see if he would tell me anything on his own.
"Cassandra's not really my daughter," I wasn't too surprised to hear this after I had heard Catherine's explanation, "None of us know who the real father is, but Nina was determined that her baby would grow up with a mother and a father so we made a rule. Whichever one of us, me or Shawn, was around when Cassandra first said 'dada' would be the father. Sometimes I think God did it as a cruel joke because he needed a really good laugh right then and I was the only one around to pick on. Shawn was working and the girls were still at school doing some science experiment so I was stuck babysitting. I always hated it because it killed me to see her cry. And then while I was changing her diaper she looked right at me and said it. I was ecstatic at first and then it kind of hit me like a tidal wave what this new responsibility would include. Nina assured me I wouldn't have to do anything extra. That it was just a title, but I knew better than that. I was seventeen. I wasn't anywhere near ready to be a father. And I couldn't go back on the deal because we had all agreed that would be best. When I went off to college I had a taste of freedom. I'd dream about what would happen if I went back to New York and I'd dream about what would happen if I didn't. I choose the latter and for a few weeks I was happy. Then I started working at the crime lab and I would hear all of you talking about the dead beat dads and I couldn't help but think I was one of them. I kept hoping they would never be able to find me. That maybe Nina would just forget and so would Cassie and they would decide to make Shawn 'dada'. Although I knew that wouldn't happen. It would be even more confusing for Cassie that way. I mean we all knew they would get married someday." Greg stopped to breathe.
I sat and listened as he rambled on about his past. He told me stories of how they all met. He told me where he lived with his mother and how far away it was from the orphanage where Shawn and Nina resided and from there it was a short walk to the park and on the other side of the park Marie lived with her grandparents. He told me how when he entered high school he and Shawn got into quite a bit of trouble and Nina did all of his homework and made sure he didn't fail and when she was mugged at the beginning of junior year he changed his ways and went straight. Apparently she had been waiting for him in the park and he had been too high to remember. He told me about all of Cassandra's first and he retold me about the day he got his acceptance letter. It wasn't until I looked over at him that I noticed the tears. They fell one at a time and none of them ever touched his cheeks. They fell straight from his eyes onto his faded blue jeans. It was quite a site. I've never seen anyone cry quite like Greg does. Watching him cry makes you think about how cruel the world really is. Greg isn't supposed to be sad. It's unthinkable because if Greg can be sad that means evil might really exist in the world and sometimes I like to pretend that it doesn't.
I learned more about Greg that night than I had the entire time I lived with him. Sure I all ready knew the little things like he loved bacon and he liked to have the first shower so he could be ready to go early. He bought baby shampoo because it reminded him of being young. He hated onion rings and moldy cheese and doing laundry. He called his mother once a month and left a message despite the fact she never called him back and to my knowledge she had never picked up. I had learned that Greg would rather watch whatever channel the TV was on than get up and walk the few feet to get the remote. He liked his popcorn without butter and with lots of parmesan cheese. All of this seemed petty compared to everything he told me that night. But the best thing about it was he didn't ask for me to share my deepest, darkest secret in return. He thanked me for listening to him and then went to bed. I stayed on the couch and began to stare at the glass of water. There would be a ring when I finally picked it up and put it in the kitchen, but Greg and I wouldn't care. Nina probably would though.
Notes: I have started working on You're the One so no fear. The first chapter will be up shortly. Until then relax and read other stories. Here are the lyrics to Runaway Train if you'd like to read them.
Call you up in the middle of the
night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a blowtorch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning
So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
I promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep
It seems no one can help me now,
I'm in too deep; there's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray
Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there
Can you help me remember how to smile?
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded?
Life's mystery seems so faded
I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just a-drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train
And everything seems cut and dried,
Day and night, earth and sky,
Somehow I just don't believe it
Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there
Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain
Runaway train, never going back
Wrong way on a one-way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here nor there
Runaway train, never coming back
Runaway train, tearing up the track
Runaway train, burning in my veins
I run away but it always seems the same