CHAPTER ONE

"We once walked out on the beach and once I almost touched your hand.
Oh, how I dreamed to finally say such things, then only to pretend."
--Jimmy Eat World, "If You Don't, Don't"

It was a few days after the Donnie Pfaster case, when he had escaped from prison. I'd been in pretty bad shape; I felt as if I had murdered Pfaster in cold blood. I hadn't shot him in self-defense, I hadn't needed to kill him... Of course, all of this is in the past now, but back then, it had only been a few days. I was staying at Mulder's place until mine was back in order.

I had been pretty much back on my feet when it happened. It wasn't like he took advantage of me, I wanted it more than anything. I had just gotten back from church, and we were just sitting on his couch together. He pulled me near him, and kind of held me a bit. I normally would have questioned it, but I knew we were both shaken up at the thoughts of losing ourselves or one another.

"We keep coming so close, Scully, when I checked my messages...when I realized... God, I was terrified. I thought maybe it was too late. I thought maybe I had lost you," he told me.

"You didn't. I'm here. I'm fine," I told him.

"Yeah, you are. We're lucky. I'm sorry, Scully. I should have known he'd come for you." he said.

"Mulder, it's not your fault."

"I just got so scared that he had..."

"He didn't," I whispered.

"We're lucky," he repeated.

Then his eyes met mine, and he brought his hand up to caress my cheek. He'd done this before in tender moments, and I felt an involuntary shiver run through my body. Things between us had been different lately. We'd become the best of friends over the past few years, but something else had happened, too. I fell in love with my partner, head over heels. We had kissed on New Years Eve, giving me this hope that things would go somewhere. That evening, he had stopped back at my place for some champagne, but left before anything developed.

"You forget how much someone means to you until they're almost gone..." he trailed off, speaking a lesson I would soon learn myself. "I felt responsible, Scully, I felt like it was my fault for leaving the case unresolved. I had just wanted to get away from him, it hadn't occurred to me he'd follow after us, but it should have. I'm a profiler, for Christ's sake!"

"Mulder, it isn't your fault. You know that. Besides..." I took his hand tightly in mine, "I'm still here. I'm here."

And then he kissed me, but not like New Years Eve. His kiss was hungry and passionate, pulling my small frame closer to him. He was afraid to let go of me, afraid to lose me, and I let him cling on to me. The kiss turned needy, and suddenly his hands were everywhere, and mine were on him, and the next thing I knew he was leading me into his bedroom, to fall down onto his newfound bed.

I often think about that walk to his bedroom. He offered me a small smile, and took my hand in his. His hand was so big, and warm, encasing mine. I felt safe. I felt like I was living in a dream, and looking back, I was living in a dream. He said nothing, but that walk to his bedroom--just a few feet--seemed to last forever. The spot where we were in limbo, between the world where we were partners, and the one where we would become lovers. There was nothing but our hands clasped together, the way his hair was mussed, the way the first button of my blouse was undone, and the way our lips were swollen from kissing. Then there was the way the bedroom door shut behind us.

Everything beyond that was a passionate blur of pleasure and bliss. In the moment, everything was so perfect, but in retrospect... I remember telling him, in between soft sighs, that I loved him. With all that was going on, it wasn't until days later that I realized he'd never returned the words. He said other things, that he wouldn't put me in danger ever again, that I was his only constant in a world of uncertainty, that I was beautiful, I was perfect, but never that he loved me. He said he was sorry for hurting me. He said he never meant to. In that moment, it didn't matter. I gave all of myself to him--not just my body, but my heart and soul--without realizing that he hadn't given me all of that.

I woke up beside him in the morning, and he quickly emerged from bed and dressed. He didn't look at me as I threw on my robe, almost as if he was embarrassed to see me naked. It was strange, and we shared a quick, awkward breakfast before I decided that maybe we needed a little time. I left his apartment without kissing him goodbye, without hearing any words of affection from him.

He didn't call me that day, nor did he call the next one. When I called him, he was always "busy". I tried to make plans with him to no avail, and only saw him in the office. When I tried briefly to ask if something was wrong, he denied it and said he "had a lot on his mind." I was slowly going mad.

Before I knew it, four days had passed and we were going off on a case together. It was a story of alien abduction in Florida. The plane ride was characterized by small talk and no important or eventful information. There was no mention of what had happened between us. At that point, part of me began to panic. There was part of me that laughed at my stupidity, taunted me. Told me that I'd ruined everything by sleeping with my best friend. How would he think of me as his partner after that night? Every time we were in the field, would he see Agent Scully, or the naked Dana Scully beside him in bed?

There was something that bothered me more then that. Why did it seem like he didn't want us to ever be together like that again? All I wanted from the moment I left his apartment was to be in his arms again, but he wouldn't even look at me for longer than a few seconds. Every time I caught his gaze, he seemed lost in thought. Thought he wasn't sharing with me. Worried thoughts.

The case was a waste of time. It was just like so many others. We ran around, thinking we were getting close to some form of proof, only to realize it was nothing of the sort. It turned out that the kids were being taken by a disturbed teenager in their school, after they met him at a rave party. He fit the profile for a teenage killer: white male, sixteen years old, loner, played too many video games, and had a lot of small pets that mysteriously disappeared. Probably wet the bed, too.

That wasn't what mattered, though. The case was over, and we were leaving in the morning. We had a nice hotel, for a change, since we were in a tourist area. It was just a few blocks from the beach, and all I wanted was to talk to Mulder about what had happened. Well, that was what I needed to do. What I really wanted to do was to go over to his hotel room and kiss him. Tell him that this was right... That we should be together like this.

"We need to talk, Mulder," I said, having walked into his room uninvited and unannounced.

"Yeah, Scully, we do," he replied simply, looking up from where he lay on his bed, watching television.

"Let's go for a walk," I suggested, not wanting to talk about it in the hotel room. Maybe some fresh air would make me feel better.

"Okay," he said.

There was nothing but silence as we left the hotel. We began walking in the direction of the beach, and I could smell the salt of the sea, heavy in the air. I love the beach, the water, the sea... I grew up by the sea, due to my father's profession. In a way it reminded me of him... In another way it reminded me of carefree childhood days spent with my family... In yet another way it reminded me of late night make-out sessions with Marcus while I lived in San Diego, the waves crashing behind us and me thinking about how if my father happened to walk the dog on the beach he'd kill me and Marcus... In another way it reminds me of life without Mulder, after him. With someone else.

For a long time after, all the beach reminded me of was that night with Mulder.

We walked along the streets toward the beach, but he said nothing. Once in a while I would look to him, but he'd look away. I had this urge to grab his hand, simply hold it, but I couldn't. I wouldn't let myself... I had this sinking sensation that he'd let go. That he wouldn't grasp my hand in his own, that he'd drop it and it'd fall back to my side. That I'd feel like an even bigger fool, beyond the fool I felt like at that moment. A fool for loving him, or a fool for doing something about it? I wasn't sure. I think I'm still not sure. All I knew was that it seemed as if watching my hand fall to my side alone would kill me. I'm still not sure how I survived that night on the beach.

The beach opened up before us, and I slid my sandals off my feet at the entrance. Mulder kept his sneakers on, and we kept walking. The point of the walk was to talk, but we hadn't done anything of the sort. We were in the middle of the beach when I finally just stopped walking. I couldn't keep going, I couldn't keep pretending that nothing was wrong.

I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything at all. I moved towards him, and finally decided that it was now or never. I had to know. My hand reached out to find his, and his hand moved towards mine. They almost brushed, and he suddenly recoiled back away from me. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Slowly, I put my hand on his cheek, tears in my eyes. I moved slowly forward, to kiss him. I wanted things to be better.

He shook his head a bit, and I dropped my hand. He didn't want me to kiss him? I couldn't understand it, I couldn't handle it. My whole world shattered in that instant. What was it? What had changed his mind? Why didn't he want me anymore? He never wanted to hurt me. He told me that...

"Mulder," I began, "why are you doing this to me?" My voice was steadier than I thought it would be.

"I can't, Scully, I'm sorry, but I can't do this. I can't give you all of me, and you don't deserve just part of my heart. I can't be everything that you need."

"What do you mean, Mulder? What do you mean you can't give me all of you?" I said, anger in my voice.

"I told you in the beginning, Scully, our first case on the X-Files. Nothing else matters to me. I can't be with you when I still have the burden of all the things I'm looking for on my back. Nothing else matters, and it wouldn't be fair to you... You deserve so much better..." God, I thought things had changed since then...

"Oh, but what you could give me, just part of your heart, was fine the other night? Was THAT fair, Mulder? How could you lead me on like this?"

My anger and hurt was growing with every word we exchanged.

"Scully, it's not that I don't care about you, I do, but I, I have answers to find. I don't have it in me to be what you need. You deserve so much better, and all I can give you is pain. It's all I've ever given to you. For me to keep this going would only be selfish. You'd only end up hurt. That's been our entire partnership together, Scully. Me hurting you."

"So you thought you could just use me, while I was in love with you, even though you didn't feel the same way? Even though you knew it would never last, you thought that it could be some one night fling, and that things could go back to normal afterwards?" I was yelling now, tears in my eyes.

"That's not it, Scully, I wasn't thinking--it's not that I don't have feelings for you, I do, but it wouldn't be fair to either of us--"

"THIS isn't fair to me!"

"It wouldn't be right. I'm sorry, but I can't love you. I just can't."

"But you could fuck me?" I was deliberately crass, and I could see it caught him off guard. I was satisfied when the look of shock registered on his face, and when he couldn't respond. I added angrily, "That's all it was for you, wasn't it?" The betrayal in my voice was as clear as the night sky.

"Scully, no..." he trailed off.

"So that's it? That's all I am, after all of this time.."

"No, Scully, you're my best friend, my partner."

"I can't be any of those things anymore, Mulder. Not after this. You made that impossible."

"I know. I knew we could never have what we used to after the other night. After I told you this. You'll be better off without me. Get as far away from me as you can, Scully, all I can do is hurt you. You deserve so much better. That's why, Scully. Because I don't deserve you. I wouldn't be any good for you."

"That decision shouldn't have been only yours to make. How can you sit here now and say I could be just your friend, that you could make love to me--because that's what it was for ME, Mulder, making love--but that you can't love me? Correct me if that's not what you're telling me..."

He said nothing. I took his silence to be an admission: the other night was just some one-time screw for him. That's all I was. From that moment, I knew nothing would ever be the same. He had no right to treat me that way. I felt my hand make swift contact with his face, and finally a tear rolled down my cheek. My hand stinging, we exchanged the final words of the evening.

"Look at me, Scully!" he said, shouting. "This is all I'm capable of. Hurting you. I can't love you. I can't. And I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry for you, Mulder. I'm sorry that you believe that. You took my choice away from me, Mulder. You took away my life here with what you've done. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you for that."

Walking away from him that night was the most difficult decision I've ever made. Of course, part of me wanted to run back to him, to make him love me... I couldn't. He didn't love me, but it was okay for him to have sex with me? It was okay for him to take advantage of the love that I had in my heart for him? I know that he WAS thinking, no matter what he said. He knew what he was doing when he slept with me. He was trying to save me from him. He took away my choice on where I was better off: with him or away from him. There was only one option now.

Didn't he know that I didn't WANT to be saved from him?

He called out for me once, but never again.

I knew, at that moment, that I'd never be able to work with him again. How could I? How could I work with someone who I gave everything to, and who never loved me back? If we had never begun, it wouldn't have mattered if he loved me. Now, it was too late. It's true what they say: sex changes everything. It DID change things between us. It changed everything. I couldn't work with him, because I hated him.

Part of me still hates him, to this day, while I sit here in my office.

The stupid part of me, though, still loves him.