CHAPTER TWO

"Keep the blood in your head,
and keep your feet on the ground.
Today's the day it gets tired.
Today's the day we drop down.
Give up my body in bed,
All for an empty hotel.
Wasting words on lowercases and capitals."
--Brand New, "The Quiet Things No One Ever Knows"

I had left DC on terrible terms. I handed in my resignation to Skinner, who reluctantly accepted it. Part of me didn't want to let him ruin my work for me, but it was too late for all of that. I couldn't work with him, I couldn't be NEAR him. I was suffocating. I had to go far, far away.

So I did. It wasn't as if I was leaving anything behind, really. I picked up and left. I sub-leased the apartment to someone else who'd finish out my current lease, and packed all of my things. I knew where I'd go, back to San Diego. I'd grown up periodically in California, my family was there, (when they weren't off at sea) and it was far away from Mulder.

He called me the night before I left, to ask where I'd be. When he'd see me again. I remember telling him simply, "I'm leaving, Mulder. I'm sorry things ended the way they did. You were my best friend, but I just can't be here anymore. Not after what happened."

It was true. He HAD been a good friend. My BEST friend. I cried that night, once we'd hung up. Sobbed. All I could remember was him. When I thought I was dying, HE was there. HE was the one beside my bed. I LOVED him but there was nothing I could do about it. We'd shared so damn much, and all of it was ruined in one night. Everything was gone.

And then he had called. After all this time, he called.

Shaken, I left the office and drove to my San Diego home. I'd just recently moved, from my own small condo into a quiet residential suburb of San Diego. Everything had changed since I left DC. I came here, got my medical license, and opened up a practice with a partner. I was a pediatrician, and I loved working with children. I met this great guy, Rob, and we began dating. He was an accountant, and he understood me.

I told him bits and pieces of my history. I told him I once had cancer, I told him I had been an FBI agent, I told him I couldn't have children. The most unbelievable stories--and often the most important--were the ones I couldn't tell him. I never told him about Emily, because it was such a strange story... Why would he believe it? I never told him about the abduction, or the chip in my neck... Everything I told him was vague and shrouded in the dusty mystery of my past.

He didn't pry, and I was thankful. We didn't focus on the past, only our future. I never once told him about Mulder. I may have mentioned "my partner," but never his name. Never. I tried to forget him, but of course I never fully could.

Rob was different than Mulder. He was a cut and dry person, without Mulder's strange quirks. That didn't make him any less wonderful, though. The first time we met, I was at a dinner party that my partner in practice was throwing. Rob was a friend of her husband, and he caught my eye from across the room. I fell for him when I saw him: he had these bright blue eyes, and these curly locks of chestnut brown hair. He was tall, and well built. On top of that, his eyes were riveted on me, and he had no wedding ring on his finger.

He walked over to me, and I smiled at him. I remember watching him saunter over, a glass of wine in his hand. I remember everything about that night. The party had been kind of formal, and he had on a suit. I was wearing a black cocktail dress, and had left my hair down. I took a sip of my own wine, and he stopped in front of me.

"Hi," was all he said.

"Hi."

"I'm Rob, I'm friends with Joe," he told me, and extended his hand.

I shook it and said, "Nice to meet you. I'm Dana, I work with Marilyn."

"Nice to meet you, Dana. I'm surprised we haven't met."

"Oh, I was living in Washington DC for a long time, but I just recently moved back out here. I lived her as a kid, my dad was stationed here with the Navy."

"Oh, I see. Washington, hm? What did you do out there?"

"I was an FBI Agent, but I decided to leave that part of me behind and come west," I smiled.

We spent the most of the evening together, just talking. We clicked right away, and found we had a lot in common. He grew up right outside San Francisco, on the beach. He used to surf, and we talked about that. I mentioned my brief stint where I thought I could learn to surf. I was fourteen and living in San Diego, my dad was at sea, and I met this kid who said he'd teach me. I almost killed myself, and then Mom said no to surfing. Rob, on the other hand, had surfed for quite some time. I had fun talking to him, which was a change for once, and as I was leaving, he walked me out to my car. When we got there, he asked me if I'd like to go out with him to dinner sometime. I said yes, gave him my number, and everything went forward from there.

We started dating, and three months ago he proposed. We'd been together for a year, and of course I said yes. We weren't getting any younger. Even though Mulder was stuck in my mind, and even though I had loved him, I loved Rob, too. Mulder was out of my life, and I had moved on. Everything had changed. In San Diego, I had friends, (many of whom I'd known years ago, but lost touch with when I went to DC) a great job, a nice home, and a fiancé I loved. Even Bill Junior approved. Everything was perfect...everything save for the thoughts of Mulder that would surface just when I thought I finally had things right.

I was living the life I always thought I wanted. It was nice. It was also, well, kind of boring. Compared to chasing conspiracies and UFOs, pediatrics and an accountant were a little dull. But it was nice, it was life.

Then Mulder called. I walked out of my office that night, after the call, and said goodnight to Emma. Emma, my assistant, answered the phones and took care of a lot of paperwork for me at my office. She was young, in her twenties, with long brown hair and olive green eyes. She was a pretty girl, and a nice one as well. I really liked having her work for me, and it was nice to have a young woman to talk to once in a while.

"Who was that guy on the phone?" she asked me, as I was leaving.

"Oh, an old friend," I said nostalgically.

"Friend?" she asked, raising her eyebrows, and finished, "or boyfriend?"

I smiled and said, "I wish it was that simple."

"Interesting," she said.

"Yeah," I said quietly. "Anyway, it was a long time ago, and he's in town so we're going to meet up."

"Oh, well have fun," she said.

"Thanks, Emma, don't stay here too late, okay? We can always do that paperwork tomorrow."

"Sure thing, Doctor Scully," she replied.

I spent the drive home contemplating what I'd tell Rob. He knew that I had a partner in the FBI, with whom I was very close, but he never knew we slept together. If I told him we were just going out to catch up, I knew he'd understand. Either way, it was easier than lying. Besides, if he was the kind of man who was going to tell me I couldn't go out and see someone, well then, I wouldn't be with him. He was one of the most understanding people I'd ever met.

I pulled up to our home, glancing at the car clock. It was just about 9:30, which wasn't too late. The office had been relatively quiet that day. I loved my job as a doctor in a different way than I loved the FBI. Here, I could see the difference I was making. I got to help sick little kids, and watch them grow up. One day there so tiny, and then it's WHAM! puberty, and the boys show up five inches taller with deep voices, and the girls all have bigger chests than I do. I'd been working there for two and a half years at that point, when Mulder called. I'd been in San Diego for a total of just over three years, and that had been how long we'd been apart.

I stepped out of my car, and into the warm May night outside. I looked up at our home, admiring it silently. The living room light was on, and I wondered if he had cooked me anything. He was a good cook, unlike Mulder, I thought. I immediately chastised myself for the comparison, and continued on inside of our home. Besides, I had no idea if Mulder could cook. He never tried.

We'd only been living there for two months. It was a two story house, white with big bay windows in the front that looked in on the living room. We had a decent sized built in pool in the back yard, as well as a deck coming off of the kitchen, with lovely sliding glass doors. It had two bedrooms, and another room that was currently his office but could've been a third bedroom. We spoke of possibly adopting a child when we married. The house was perfect, everything about it. Both of us had well paying professions, and his family had always had money. We moved in together after getting engaged, and were anxiously awaiting our wedding in two months...

And now everything had been spun upside down for me.

I pushed the thought away and walked inside. I called out to Rob, and he yelled back to me from the living room. I walked inside to find him watching a baseball game, his feet up on the coffee table, with a beer in his hand. Ah, even the best of them are still men, I reminded myself.

"How was your day, Sweetheart?" he asked, his lips curving into a smile.

"Good...interesting," I said, honestly.

"Why's that?" he asked.

I walked over and sat down on the leather couch next to him. "An old friend called," I said.

"Who?" he asked.

"My old partner, from the FBI. He's in town this week, and wanted to meet up."

"Oh, and are you going to?" he asked, his voice carrying the tiniest hint of suspicion.

"Yes, I told him I would. Look, I don't want to lie to you, we were very close friends, but..."

"But," he urged me on.

"But there's nothing more than that between us," I lied.

"What, you didn't think I wouldn't let you go, did you?" he asked, almost sounding offended.

"No, I knew you would, but, I just wanted to calm any natural, male, territorial, testosterone-induced fears you may have. I only have eyes for you," I said, kissing his lips softly.

Why did I feel like a liar when I said that?

He had made me a chicken Caesar salad, and I ate it happily. Afterwards, we lounged around a bit watching TV, and then went upstairs to bed. I lay beside him, looking at him sleep late that night. Suddenly, Mulder was back in my mind. It wasn't fair. Not to me, not to Rob... It wasn't fair because there I was, two months away from the altar, planning a wedding, and thinking of another man.

Not only that, but I was questioning why I was with Rob. Was it merely the perfect life I was after? It was perfect. Normal jobs, normal home... We even had a fireplace with pictures of our family and us together on the mantle. All we didn't have was a dog and a white picket fence, although we were considering getting a puppy soon. It was perfect domestication, with the perfect man.

Part of me didn't want perfect. Perfect was mundane. Part of me longed for Mulder, for our adventures and our search for the truth. That was hard to let go of; not just Mulder, but my search for the truth was left behind in DC. I'd left that for this, but was this what I really wanted? What I really needed? Was it simply because I couldn't have my ideal life with Mulder anymore that I had this one? Did I really love Rob? I cared deeply about him, and sure I loved him, but was I in love with him? Could I give him all he had given me, or would I falter like Mulder had in returning my complete and true love?

Could I share with this man my soul...or did it already belong to someone else? Someone who didn't want it...

I did love Rob, but part of me screamed that it wasn't the way I loved Mulder. It didn't matter, I couldn't have Mulder. It was silly to even bother reasoning it out. Mulder wasn't really even my friend anymore, let alone a potential lover. Even if my heart ached for him, it was over. He was dead to me until he called, and that was what had made this easier. I could be with Rob if I felt like Mulder was gone, and there was no chance to be with him. In those moments, I felt like my heart did belong to Rob, the way he'd given me his. I felt like there was something I could hold onto.

When Mulder was back in the picture, however, part of me was missing. I'd given him everything, and he gave me nothing back in return. I wanted something back, but I supposed that I'd never get it. So instead, I'd given whatever was left of me to Rob, in return for what he promised me: himself, a life together characterized not by searches or truths, but only by home cooked meals and happy domesticity.

I sighed quietly, and rolled over. Soon I'd have to face all of this... Face him. I fell into a restless sleep, and dreamed of old memories with the man who wouldn't love me back.

Notes: More soon! Thank you for all of the reviews, they make me less lazy when updating. Keep 'em coming!