CHAPTER FOUR
"Is a dream a lie if it don't come true, or is it something worse?"--Bruce Springsteen, "The River"
I was lost. I was utterly lost. I didn't know what to do when he left. It was this sudden emptiness. The only thing that could fill that emptiness was confusion and indecisiveness. I didn't know what to do. I sat there by myself, trying to gather my thoughts. Trying to figure out what to do with myself. Seeing him had affected me more than I thought it would.
Colonization? Part of me didn't want to turn my back on something like that. It wouldn't be right to let something like that happen because of personal matters. Another part of me said that there was no such thing as colonization. Mulder was pretty crazy when I knew him, and he only got crazier when he left. Maybe he was just lonely.
Maybe he just figured that since he was in town he could call me up, and I'd fall for him, and he'd just leave me again...
That was what I feared in being with Mulder. Regardless of Rob or anything else, I would be afraid to fall for Mulder again. I let myself do that once, and look at what happened. What if I left everything behind and went with Mulder again? He couldn't love me then, why would he be able to now? Had he changed, or was he just the same man? Would he get me to chase shadows with him, then to give my heart to him, everything he'd been offered all those years ago? What would he do with them?
Did they belong to Rob now? They had to. It was too much for me. It was crazy.
I found myself thinking that maybe Mulder just wanted me to help him with his work. Part of me hated that his reason for returning was the X-Files. I wanted him to come back because he loved me. He didn't, I told myself, as I sat there alone in the restaurant. He told me he didn't back then. But as we talked together, he'd implied that his feelings had changed...but it didn't matter. He came back about our work...his work. It wasn't my work anymore. I had left that part of me behind.
I didn't really believe in colonization, anyway. That was what I tried to convince myself. That he'd come back about work that I didn't believe in. His reason for needing me now was to save the world from something that wasn't even going to happen. The Syndicate was dead. Nobody was trying to kill him. He was just crazy. He ALWAYS was crazy. It would be best to forget about it, and move on with my life. I was taking his own advice. I was staying nice and safe, as far away from him as possible. We were just old acquaintances, who almost were lovers...
Maybe I'd invite him to my wedding.
Seeing him had made me smile. I had loved him once. Beyond that, we were best friends. Even after all of the pain he'd caused me, I would never forget those years that we spent together happily. We virtuously crusaded for a cause we believed in. He'd showed me that maybe his ideas weren't all insane. I did believe in some things. I believed his theories about the military and my abduction... I had almost become a believer. I could've been one, but then things changed. Sex changes everything.
I finally left the cafe, telling myself that I'd just leave this behind. I'd done it before. I was able to move on. I HAD moved on. I looked at my watch. It was 8:15, on a Friday night. I could still get home and go out with Rob for the evening. I couldn't let this drive me crazy. I was going to get married. I was in love with Rob, and he loved me. I'd be Dana Pier in a few short months. I'd leave Scully behind, with Mulder. Where she belonged. I was Dana Pier.
I spent that night as Dana Pier. I went home and found Rob still there. I had thought he might have gone out with some friends, as it was a Friday night. Unlike my life in Washington, we did things together. We went out to bars and restaurants and the movies. It was something that I hadn't experienced since I was with Daniel in med school. Even then, we went out in relative secrecy, going further away than necessary to go to a restaurant or movie. Later in life, Jack Willis and I were so caught up in work that we didn't get out much, either.
Rob was a welcome change to that. We went out that night, to a nice bar we went to rather often. It was a calm and quiet evening, and he didn't ask about Mulder. I was happy, because I wouldn't have known what to say. We ended up running into some friends from the area, and we had a good time. Before Rob, I didn't have fun like this. When I once or twice ventured out into the dating scene, it was always disastrous. All of that had changed. Everything had changed.
I'd dreamed of so many different things for my life. Many of them fell apart...the X-Files, Mulder...but it finally seemed as if one of them was finally coming true. I was going to get married. I wasn't going to die alone and miserable. I was going to marry this man that I loved...
I shouldn't have been so foolish. I should have seen that all of my dreams shatter. I didn't, though. That night, I convinced myself that my past was forgotten. It had come back, and I had been able to stare it in the face without falling for it again. I was strong now, not like I was three years ago when I fell for him. Not like I was when he kissed me and I told him that I loved him. That was what I had convinced myself.
Rob and I had a lovely time. I often wish I could revisit that night. If I could go back, I would have told him every single thing I'd ever felt about him. I would have been totally honest. I would have made everything last longer, had more fun. We went home after the bar in a cab, and I let him take my mind off of Mulder when we got home.
Some time later, we were laying in bed when he said, "I love you, Dana." I smiled at him quietly, and kissed his lips softly. Mulder had never said it to me after I'd said it to him. That was what had always bothered me the most. It wasn't as if he loved me, but felt it couldn't work. No, it seemed to me that he took my heart, but never loved me at all.
Things with Rob were different. I often feared he loved me more than I loved him. In that moment, as we snuggled beside one another in bed, I turned to him, to return his words. When I went to speak, I realized that he had fallen asleep. Silently, I closed my eyes and joined him.
I didn't know it would be the last time.
NOTES: I uploaded this chap on the tails of the last one because there's not much action in it, and it's short, and it leads up to big drama in the next chapter. I was feeling energized by reviews and by John Kerry's speech, hehehe. The next chapter will come in due time. And I assure you, there is much more angst to come.