CHAPTER SIX
"When you lose a part of yourself to somebody you know, it's takes a lot to let go. Every breath that you remember, pictures fade away, but memory's forever."--New Found Glory, "Sonny"
The funeral was devastatingly sad. His family was so upset... I had this deep seated guilt, knowing it hadn't been an accident. Rob had been murdered. There was nothing I could do to seek justice through the police. The only justice I'd be able to seek would be with Mulder. The only justice I would ever find would be the justice in destroying their plans, in foiling colonization...
I remember sitting in the first pew with his family, and my mother. My mother held my hand, and I quietly cried most of the service. I'd been through things like this so many times. I've had to let go of so many people in my life. He was in a better place, I told myself. Somewhere without conspiracies and Krycek and colonization. He was luckier than his family knew, in a way. He'd died blissfully unaware of all of the things really going on. Of all of the things I'd have to experience and face in the coming months.
When family and friends began to eulogize him, I took my turn. I told the story of how we met, and then how he proposed. I told the people who loved him how kind and generous he always was. I recalled how he always put my interests ahead of his own. All he ever seemed to want was to make other people happy. He was caring, utterly selfless, wonderfully perfect. Except for the fact that he always hung up the towels in the bathroom wrong. It was just about the only thing we ever argued about.
It was hard for me to leave the service. I knew that when I walked out, I would never see him again. It was hard enough knowing he'd never speak to me again, knowing that he'd never hold me again... The worst part was that in some way, it was my fault. I knew it wasn't fair to blame myself, but that didn't ease the feeling of guilt that was attacking my insides. I left that day without really letting go, without reconciling things in my own head.
Another difficult thing for me were the legal aspects. Money and possessions were the last things I wanted to think about, but the lawyers began to call... The house belonged to me, but I knew I wouldn't be staying there long. I'd sell it, I supposed. I didn't know where I'd move, but I wasn't going to stay in San Diego. I'd go off and become Agent Scully again. I'd leave my job as a pediatrician behind. I'd leave everything behind. What had tied me to my new life was the most important person in it; Rob was gone now.
This of course, brought to mind the fact that I would need some form of money. I'd also be needing my job at the FBI back, too. Mulder had said that Skinner was on board with this project, at least in secret. Maybe the Assistant Director could pull some strings, and speed up the process of getting my job back. After all, he had reluctantly accepted my resignation three years ago. It wasn't as if I was pressured to leave, it was in fact quite the opposite.
As the days passed, I tried to busy myself with these concerns to keep my mind off of the concerns that frightened me most. I'd have to be with Mulder again. I'd have to work beside the man who I had slept with, and then was later rejected by. There was the emotional damage he'd done, the damage to my self-esteem, the fact that I'd never felt worse about myself than in the moment he chose his work over me. I'd felt inadequate. I was not enough. What was to me an amazing night, one in which I experienced a deep connection with the man I had felt was my soul mate, was to him not good enough to make him want to stay with me.
Now I was going back to this man. Was he telling me the truth? Had he really changed his mind? Did he want me now, even love me, despite what he'd said all those years ago? Was it true that he was just too blind to see it then, and that he really did want to be with me? Had he been trying to protect me back then? What did he really want now?
Or maybe he meant what he said back then. Maybe he'd felt close to me, but was not in love me. He had said it would be better for me to get away from him. All he could do was hurt me. He knew I'd never abandon him. The only way to make me leave would be to sleep with me. When I was ready to commit to a romantic life with him, he realized he couldn't commit to me. No, the only thing he could commit to was the X-Files.
The worst was the way my thoughts about the issue would move from rational ones, to irrational panics. I wasn't worth committing to. He didn't want me. I wasn't enough. His work was what he needed, not me. I couldn't fulfill the ache in his soul, his search for his answers. I never could.
It sounded ridiculous to me as I thought it that evening in my empty San Diego home. The saddest part was that when I had initially thought those things three years ago, I began to believe them. I came here with a skewed sense of myself. My first date was with Rob, and it was really just a way to prove to myself that I COULD get a date.
Even before Mulder, I never let myself get too close to people. I was so afraid to lose them that I didn't even bother to really gain them in the first place. Now that the person I'd let myself get close to was gone from my life, this theory was simply reinforced. It took me a long time to get close to Rob, to let him in.
I finally had let him in, and now, because of my past indiscretions, he was dead.
I could have made a bunch of psychologists into millionaires with all of my problems, but my biggest problem was that I didn't do that. I didn't talk to ANYONE about this. For three years, my every concern about my past was ignored, stuffed down, deep within me. Suddenly, there I was, facing all of it in one moment, coupled with guilt and grief and anxiety and fear...
Two weeks after the funeral, I told my medical partner that I'd be leaving. I began to pack up at home, and put the house up for sale. Even if I never left with Mulder, I wasn't going to stay there. Not in that big house, not in San Diego. There wasn't any reason to. Sure, Bill Jr. was here, but how often do I really want to see him? The last thing he needs to know is that I'm running off with Mulder. Things were basically ready to go. A lot of Rob's belongings went to his family. I sold some furniture, but kept some things, and began to ponder where on earth I'd stay. I had plenty of money, Rob was wealthy and I made quite a bit of money as a doctor. Between that, the money from the possessions I'd sold and the house when it was finally bought, I was better than just well-off. I could always stay with my mother in Baltimore, anyway.
Mulder was true to his word. Almost exactly a month of grieving and crying and thinking had gone by when there was a knock at my door. I opened it to see him standing there, and he offered a fleeting smile. His expression was blank afterwards, the way it often was. Pondering, thinking, but unreadable. Finally, I spoke.
"Hi, Mulder," I said.
"Hi," he replied.
"Um, come in," I said, opening the door for him. He followed me in and I motioned for him to take a seat on my living room couch.
"How are you holding up?" he asked.
"All things considered, I've been fine."
"I haven't heard that in a while," he said.
It took a moment for me to realize he was referring to the fact that I'd yet again said I was 'fine.'
"Yeah," I said quietly.
"I talked to Skinner," he began. "To get your job back, you'd just need to have a physical and complete a firearms test. They'd probably give you a paper test, too, on rules and regulations and whatnot. They just want to be sure you're still capable of doing your job."
"It's better than going through Quantico again," I said.
"So you're really going to come with me?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said. "The house is up for sale. I'd probably have to fly back in once or twice to deal with the closing, but it looks like I've got a buyer. The only thing now is that I'm going to need somewhere to stay in DC."
"You could stay with me," he offered.
I take a long time searching for an answer. I can't tell him that I'm afraid I'll fall for him again, so I simply say "I don't think I feel comfortable with that."
"C'mon, Scully, I'm your friend, not some serial killer or rapist or something," he said.
I had an answer for that, but said nothing. "I'll find a place. Until I do, I can keep my things in storage and stay with my mother."
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have--"
"Don't be sorry, Mulder," I said.
"Whatever you want," he conceded.
The problem was that I didn't know what I wanted. I just didn't want Rob to die in vain. I wanted it to mean something, I wanted him to have died for some great cause. If that cause meant that I had to crusade with Mulder again, so be it.
"Okay," I said, "I guess this settles it. I'm going back to DC."
"Great. We can leave the day after tomorrow, so you can have a while to wrap things up. How are you getting your things down to DC?" he said, noticing all the boxes.
"I'm going to pay a moving company to do it, and I'll call up a DC storage company and reserve some room."
"Okay. The only thing is, we can't fly into DC."
"Why not?" I asked. I wasn't looking forward to a road trip with Mulder.
"Krycek has been keeping tabs on me, but I don't think he knows I'm out here. I don't want him to know I came to get you. As you can see, they don't want you on this project. You know too much, and you're too well qualified. So, they'll know what we're up to if either one of us boards a plane," he said. "I'd like to keep your reinstatement quiet for as long as possible."
"All right. We can drive in my car," I said.
"Okay. Um," he glanced at his watch, "it's early. Do you want to go out and grab something to eat?"
I did, but I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to get close to him again. This was just about work. This was just about avenging Rob's death. I nearly laughed out loud at how I was trying to be some kind of hero.
"No, I've got a bit of packing and whatnot to get done here," I said.
"Do you need any help?"
"I'm fine," I said. I could read his face now, and knew that he saw through me. That always frightened me about Mulder. As a profiler, he could tell what you were thinking all too often. He didn't let on to the fact that he knew I was trying to avoid him.
"All right. I'll be here at six in the morning the day after tomorrow. I'll take a cab, and we can leave from here." He stood and walked towards the door, so I followed him.
"Okay. See you then," I said, ushering him.
"Yeah. See you then."
Half way out the door, he turned and said, "Scully?" I turned and met his gaze. "I'm really sorry about Rob."
I offered him only a small smile and a nod of thanks, and then he was gone.
Although I wasn't quite sure I was ready for it, it was something that I felt I had to do. I owed it to Rob, and if Mulder was right, I'd be doing my part to stop colonization. I'd seen a lot, and I had grown to believe in many of his theories. Colonization was plausible to me, and if it was going to happen, how could I sit back idly and allow it? My personal feelings should not have mattered, but they were still there. I still feared that just maybe, I'd fall for him again. Two days later, I'd embark on yet another journey. This time, it'd take me back to my old life, but at the same time intertwine a new one.
I notified my family that I'd be leaving, and called my mother. I told her cryptic details, saying I was going back to the FBI to help on an unfinished project. That I couldn't stay in San Diego anymore because it reminded me of Rob. That I needed to stay with her just for a little while until I was able to find a place. Of course, she agreed, and offered to do whatever she could to help. I had tied up my loose ends, but I wasn't sure how to leave my life behind again.
Two days later, he showed up at my house and we just left.
Notes: Coming up next...Mulder and Scully road trippin' across the USA! Stay tuned for awkward car conversation, catching up, and angry confrontation in a hotel bar! Should be posted very soon, since this chapter had so little action. Thanks for all of the reviews, you guys rock!