CHAPTER SEVEN

"Here we are now, a sip of wine, a sip of water, someday maybe, maybe someday we'll be smarter...And I'm sorry that I'm such a mess, I drank all my money could get...I took everything you let me have, and I never loved you back."

--Jimmy Eat World, "If You Don't, Don't"

I drove the car, and Mulder sat next to me. I insisted on driving. If he drove, it would be far too close to old times. My little feet grew since he left, and they reached the pedals just fine on their own. We left my driveway in my car at about six thirty. We picked up a quick breakfast of bagels and coffee, and ate on the road. Little conversation was exchanged for quite some time, until he began to talk to me.

"So, did you ever miss the FBI out here? Or was being a doctor all your dad had said it would be?" he asked.

"I missed the FBI, yes, but being a doctor was satisfying, too. Satisfying in a different way. A more normal way."

"Yeah, I guess for a while you had that normal life you'd always dreamed of."

"I did," I said quietly.

"Three years is a long time," he said.

"Yes, it is. Wow. We're really old," I said, trying lighten the mood.

"At least you're not over the hill like I am, Scully," he said.

"Yeah, but February will come faster than I hope, I'm sure," I sighed. I did not want to turn forty. "So what's it like? Lose your vision and hearing, gain back problems?" I teased.

He laughed a bit and said, "You've aged with more grace than any woman on the planet. You don't look anywhere near your age," he said.

"Thanks," I blushed. "You don't look like a man fast approaching forty-two, either," I said.

"So how has everyone been back in DC?"

"Skinner's been fine," he said. It was sad that he was basically the only friend we had.

"And your mother?" I asked.

"She, um, passed away last winter," he said.

"I'm so sorry, Mulder," I said.

"Yeah, thanks. She'd become very sick, she had Paget's carcinoma. I guess she's in a better place now," he said. I could hear his suspicion. After all, he always suspected his mother had an affair with the Smoking Man...

"I'm sure she is," I reassured him.

"How's your mother?" he asked.

"Good, I suppose."

"And my favorite Scully of all, Bill Junior?" he laughed.

"Fine, annoying, but fine. His wife Tara had another child last year," I said.

The car fell silent. Children was always a bit of a touchy issue between us.

The ride continued on in this manner. Catching up, hollow conversation. We reminisced about some old times, listened to the radio, and managed to stretch small talk for a good number of hours until I was getting a bit too tired to drive. He took the wheel for a while, and I slept. About 16 hours into the trip, he grew tired, too. He had been up the whole time. I offered to take the wheel, but we ended up agreeing on playing it safe and stopping for the night.

The place wasn't half bad. It was clean and rather upscale, intended for business travelers. We said goodnight and separated to our respective rooms, and I was relieved. Being close to him was taking a toll on me. I was suddenly faced with smart, charming, funny, and handsome Fox Mulder. It's easy not to care about someone too much when they aren't around; when they come back into your life, it's not so easy.

Not quite ready to go to sleep yet, I decided to utilize the large bathtub in my room. I clipped my hair up and began to run the bath, and slipped into a bathrobe while I waited for it to fill. I ran my hand through the water, found it to be full enough and hot enough, and slid into the water. I sighed audibly and laid my head back, closing my eyes. In my home in San Diego, Rob and I had a jacuzzi tub put in our bathroom. We had the money, and he knew that I loved baths. This was no jacuzzi tub, but it was good enough for me.

A while later, I pulled myself out of the water, as it had grown lukewarm, and put my robe back on. I still felt restless. It was funny, I was exhausted behind the wheel, but faced with sleep, I wasn't ready for it. Story of my life, I suppose. I've always wanted things I couldn't have, and then once I got them...

Instead of putting on my robe, I had another idea.

I put my jeans and t-shirt back on, slipped on my shoes, and took my hair down. I fixed it a bit and touched up my makeup. Then, I grabbed by pocketbook and began to head for the hotel bar. What compelled me, I'm not exactly sure. The main thing was probably that I could really use a drink. When I moved out to San Diego, I went out more often, and I drank more often. It was a nice way to relax, sometimes. Of course, I never drank very much, even when I was out with Rob. I just wanted to step away from this Mulder issue. I wanted to feel like I wasn't with him again, and going to the bar was the exact way to do that. It was the last place we would have ever hung out. Maybe in a booth at a bar, but never at the bar, knocking back drinks.

The bar was large, and rather nice. I looked around and saw a few couples sitting in booths, picking at burgers or fries. There were quite a bit of people inside the restaurant area, but the bar had only a few patrons. A few lone men threw suggestive glances in my direction, but I ignored them. The room smelled like smoke, but I didn't really mind. Besides, I didn't come for the scenery, I came to get a drink and try to forget about Mulder. Maybe it wasn't exactly healthy to drink my worries concerning him away, but it would be effective.

Which was why I was annoyed to see that he was sitting at the bar. I saw him, the back of his head, holding a beer in his hand. He also had a basket of fries in front of him. I sighed, not wanting to go back to my room. I walked over to the bar and sat on the stool next to him. It took him a moment to look, but when he did, there was surprise written all over his face.

"Hey, Stranger," I found myself saying. I became angry with myself...the point of going was to get away from Mulder, and here I was talking to him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked me.

"I adopted this crazy thing called a social life when I left DC," I said wryly.

"Let me buy you a drink," he said.

"Okay," I conceded. "Just one."

The bar tender walked over and I said, "Ketel One with a splash of cranberry, please."

Mulder seemed taken back by my readiness to spurt out an alcoholic beverage, right down to the brand of vodka.

"I didn't think you really drank," he said.

"Only on occasion," I replied.

"And what's the occasion?"

"Boredom, frustration, anger," I sighed.

"You miss him," he said quietly.

"Of course I do," I said.

The bartender, a young woman, returned. "Enjoy," she smiled.

We were silent as I took a sip of my drink. He tilted his beer bottle back, finishing it, and placed it on the bar. The bar tender looked in his direction, and he kindly asked her for another bottle. She nodded and got it for him. A little hungry, I stole some of his fries. I fidgeted restlessly, running my hand over the smooth, polished wood of the bar. I took another sip of my drink, and finally he turned to me.

"Scully, I think we should talk about...what happened between us," he said.

"I don't know, Mulder," I said.

"No, just hear me out. I don't want things to be awkward between us."

"Well then maybe you shouldn't have slept with me," I quipped, not thinking before I spoke. My tongue was more loose than usual thanks to the alcohol on a relatively empty stomach.

"Look, what I mean is, I know that after what happened, you were offended, and hurt, and..."

"Well, Mulder, usually when you sleep with a woman and then tell her you can't love her and never want to sleep with her again, she tends to be offended and just a tad bit hurt," I said, growing angry and defensive. Why did he have to do this to me?

"Scully, let's get one thing straight. I was a fool," he said.

I nodded in agreement, "You're right, you were."

"I was wrong," he continued. "I had said that I couldn't love you. That I was committed to too many other things...but I was committed to them with you. That was the part I didn't see. I was trying to protect you."

"Mulder, I gave you everything that night, and when we walked out on that beach, you told me you couldn't give me that."

"I didn't think I could. Right now, I can't give it to you... You already have it."

I sighed. This was insanity. I would not do this.

"So what am I supposed to do, Mulder? Am I just supposed to forget about everything that happened? Am I supposed to pretend I never left DC, that I never loved another man and that I never got engaged? That I never lost yet another person I got attached to? I loved Rob, and he's gone, and I'm trying to mourn his death in a healthy way, but here I am in a bar with you before we go out to chase fucking aliens!"

He said nothing.

I finished my drink, the cool liquid burning my throat. What a strange sensation alcohol has. Hot and cold all at once. Suddenly, I felt bad about yelling at him. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I just, I wasn't ready to have this conversation yet," I said.

"It's okay, Scully. I understand," he said.

The alcohol had gone to my head a bit, and my voice sounded the way it always did when I'd been drinking, "I'm not ready to deal with the things you're telling me. I'm not ready to begin to accept the fact that you think you loved me all along, or whatever you're implying by saying that I have all of you. It's just too soon. It's too soon for me to analyze whatever it is that I may feel."

"I know. I just hope you know that when I said there were things I couldn't feel for you back then, when I said I couldn't love you... I was wrong."

"I have to go," I said, getting up. I couldn't be there. Whenever I drink, I get flirty, and I knew flirty was the last thing to be with Mulder at the time.

"Scully--"

"I'll see you in the morning. Thanks for the drink," I smiled weakly.

With that, I left him sitting there alone. I walked back to my hotel room, my steps sloppy with the buzz from my drink. I changed quickly into my pajamas, and fell back onto my bed. I tiredly closed my eyes, wishing that I'd wake up with a clearer mind. Wishing that maybe I could figure out what I wanted and what was right. That I would figure out how to feel.

Finally, I fell into a dreamless sleep.

NOTES: Sorry for the delay! Been busy and...well...I'm a lazy bum. Sorry! More soon.