CHAPTER TEN

"Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself, And hidden in the public eye, Such a stellar monument to loneliness... Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes, Perfect make-up, but you're barely scraping by...But you're barely scraping by..."

--Dashboard Confessional, "The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most"

I went home, and made myself something to eat before getting ready to head out to Quantico. I wasn't nervous about the exams there, assuming that I was older and wiser than the first time I passed them. Besides, although I wasn't gifted with Mulder's incredible memory, mine was pretty damn good, too. How to fire a gun isn't something you forget. I was one of the best shots in my class, and had only improved with time. The FBI rules and regulations exam I was going to take was mostly common sense, and something any FBI agent wouldn't easily forget.

I walked the halls of Quantico as a professional woman, but I felt anything but professional. I couldn't keep my mind on my work. All I could think about was how miserable I was, how much I wished Rob was never killed, how much I wished that I never slept with Mulder in the first place since that was what had started all of this... How confused I was about the way I was feeling about my reinstatement at the FBI, about this conspiracy, about the X-Files... About Mulder.

I aced the exam, both the gun test and the written test. I was regarded with kind congratulations, smiles, and a badge and weapon. I knew what they saw: the same professional, unemotional person who walked away three years ago. Now, everything I'd accomplished in those three years had been yanked away from me. I wasn't the same person, not on the inside, anyway. To them, I was still Special Agent Dana Scully...

I knew my reputation in the FBI... Between all the gossip, I was professional, unapproachable, stoic, and even cold... And in some way, I suppose all of it was a bit accurate. I had worked hard to get where I was in the FBI before I had left, and I expected to be treated that way. I didn't want guys coming after me, at least I didn't think so, because I wanted to be one of the guys in the field--just as good as the rest of them.

I'd never had any luck mixing my romantic life with my job, and sometimes I feel as if I could kick myself for making the same mistake with Mulder. My first foray into this area was with Daniel Waterston, my med school professor. We may not have been colleagues, but me being his student was much worse in many ways. Of course, there was a lot more at work in me when I let myself fall into that relationship... Daniel wasn't just a teacher or even a colleague in medicine, but also a married man. I didn't know that the first time he approached me after class, but did find out the first time we went out to dinner. I didn't stop the relationship, like I know I should have. In fact, when I finally left, I said it was for his wife, but it was really because he was so controlling. So from this experience, which sent me down an entirely different path for my career as well as my life, I decided I would never mix my profession with my lover.

Then came Jack Willis, my instructor at Quantico. Again, he was a teacher, but he was different than Daniel. Daniel was more controlling, and still acted like a teacher off hours. Jack, towards the end of our relationship, was no longer even my teacher, as I'd become an Agent. I loved Jack, and he loved me but things just couldn't work. The thing about dating someone from work is that people love to watch you. It reminded me of high school--everyone knew we were dating in the halls of Quantico, and they weren't afraid to speculate about it. That wasn't the major issue, though, I've never cared about what other people think of me... The issue was that work got in the way. Jack was so wrapped up in his cases... He didn't have time for me after his work, and mine began to accumulate as well... His precious work...

Mulder's precious cases... his precious truth... Why didn't I see it coming?

After Jack, I made a firmer promise to never get into a serious relationship with somebody from work. The hours were just too busy, and I'd never be able to have a family in such a hectic household... I adopted an air of professional aloofness from my colleagues, including Mulder for some time. I was so afraid to get my heart involved, because too many times I'd been hurt. Most of the major heartaches of my past had affected my entire life, not just my love life, and I wasn't ready to let go of the X-Files or Mulder yet. I wasn't ready to jump into something head first, not without checking how deep the water was. That was when I became regarded as the professional, and even stolid woman that people still consider me to be. I didn't mind, however, because I hadn't ended up heart broken. If I could just keep up that facade a little longer...

Of course, so much changed between Jack and Mulder that I thought maybe...just maybe we could be okay...

I know why I broke my promise to myself. I was in love with Mulder, at the very beginning (which was the end) of our "romantic" relationship, if you could call it that. I was overly optimistic, and I guess I just assumed that love would conquer it all, to use a trite cliché. Besides, Mulder was one of the few human beings I came into daily contact with, and having a family was no longer a concern. Nobody understood me any better than he could, so I let him in. I trusted him to be the success of all of my failures, and that was why it felt like such a betrayal when we walked out on the beach that night. I loved him. I was also in love with him. Madly.

When Mulder fell apart, so did everything else. I remember years ago, when I was still in high school, my religion teacher told us something that relates to me now more than it did when she told me: you can never base your life on one human being. Once you center everything around that person, if he or she messes up, everything else will fall apart. If you base your life on a man, and work in the same place as him, and put all of you into your relationship with him, and have him be the only friend you have...when he fails, everything will fall apart. And as the teacher told us, everyone is destined to make a mistake somewhere, and if you balance everything on top of one person, everything is destined to collapse along with them.

At the time, I was seventeen and waiting impatiently for class to end, contemplating whether or not I would let Marcus get to third base with me. Besides, she ended the lecture by telling us that the only person we should center our lives around is Jesus, because he'll never fail, and quite frankly I'd heard enough about Jesus from a lifetime of Catholic schooling. At seventeen, I wasn't worried about who I was basing my life on... I had Mom and Dad to take care of all of that for me.

The advice had proven true. I had based my life on Mulder, and once he really messed up, with much more serious consequences than all of the things he'd messed up in the seven years we'd been working together, my life fell apart. When I started my new one in California, I made sure not to make the same mistake. I kept Rob away from my work, I made sure to have friends... When Rob died, I could have stayed in California and had a normal life. The mistake from my past, however, didn't want to let go. When someone you regarded as a mistake comes back and seems so wonderful... you rethink your opinion of them.

All that got me was my badge and my gun back. I still didn't know how I actually felt about Mulder, and I doubted I'd ever have the same kind of trust in him regarding my feelings again. I drove home from Quantico feeling foolish. Sure, I was able to analyze my past, but what good did that do? I was still stuck in the present, unable to go back and turn down Daniel's dinner offer; I couldn't go back and tell Jack that it just wouldn't work; I couldn't go back and tell Mulder 'no' that night. I couldn't. I didn't even know if I wanted to.

Things were awkward in the following days. The month of June had slipped away, and DC was in the midst of an early-July heat wave. I dealt with Mulder at work, but other than that I avoided him as much as possible. I could see that he was trying to recreate our old friendship, but I couldn't get my feelings straight.

Sometimes when I looked at him, I saw the Mulder out on the beach, the Mulder who hurt me... And I didn't want to be close to that person. Other times, I saw the Mulder who sat beside my hospital bed, who searched for the cure to my cancer, the Mulder who took me to the batting cages... And I wanted nothing more than to be his friend again. Still other times, when I found myself thinking that Mulder was attractive, or charming, or alluring, I'd remember Rob. I'd remember the dinner party where we met, the funeral where I said goodbye, our last phone call, casual and ordinary...

I was lost. I was trying not to care, I was trying to detach myself from everything around me. I'd done it before, it shouldn't have been so difficult, but it was. I was tired of being empty, I was tired of being lonely, I was tired of everything. I was tired of going over the intricate plans of our infiltration with Mulder. Camera in this corner. Armed guard at this entrance. Maintenance elevator here. Computer there. Files in those computers. Answers in those files.

I began to focus on the work more and more, however, because I told myself that as soon as I was done, I could leave again. I'd leave and never come back. I'd get as far away from DC and from California as I could. Maybe I'd go to Europe. Somewhere to forget all the pain. Somewhere that I could forget Mulder, forget Rob, forget everything. So I worked, despite the part of my brain that nagged at me... The part of me that knew I'd never stray too far. The part of me that knew I'd never forget.

Part of me was terrified at the thought. There was one question I was too afraid to ask. Just what was I feeling for Mulder? Beyond anger and resentment...there was a feeling that was familiar and very frightening.

In the midst of all of my inner-conflict, which I found even at the time to be rather melodramatic, I had finally found an apartment. I was grateful to get out of my mother's house. I loved my mother, but I knew that I needed to be alone. I needed to be on my own again, like before all of this happened. I needed my life back.

The apartment was beautiful. It was only a few blocks away from my old one, in Georgetown. I had contacted my former landlord, but there was nothing available in my former building. My new apartment was in the same neighborhood, and about the same size. Nice kitchen, a large, open, living room-dining room, big bathroom, and big master bedroom. I hired movers to bring in my furniture from storage, since money was one of the few things in my life that was not a problem. I had gotten quite a bit that Rob left me, and the insurance had more than taken care of things. The house proved to be very profitable, and beyond all of that I had my own money. Being a doctor pays well, as everyone knows.

Georgetown was surrounded by a bunch of colleges: Georgetown University, George Washington University, American University, and several others. The town was basically comprised of college kids, and government workers. It had a good nightlife, was right outside DC which meant close to work, and was an affluent area with a low crime rate. Still, sometimes when I was the oldest person out on the running paths, I found myself longing for the simpler days of college. I'd gone nearby to the University of Maryland for my undergraduate work, and I must say the school does live up to its reputation--there were plenty of parties.

The apartment came together in just a few days, which was very quick, considering that I was working pretty long days. The infiltration was going to be the first Saturday in August, and when I moved into the new apartment, it was mid-July. We had been working with Skinner to make sure everything was taken care of on paper...which meant tons of paperwork.

On top of the paperwork was learning from the Gunmen how to bypass the security in the building. We knew that a lot of the important information was kept filed on paper, but there was also information on computers that we could only access from inside. They had taught us the basics on hacking, and I could probably put it to good use at some online shopping websites. I wonder if I could bypass some security and score a nice suede jacket that I could never afford on a G-Woman's salary.

They equipped us with instructions on how to disable security so we could get inside, and once we were safe, the plan was to find the hard copies. Then, assuming we hadn't been noticed, we would try and disable computer security so that they could access the files from outside. If not, Langly was going to enter the building and try to get some things. After various arguments over who was the best equipped of the three Gunmen to be our backup, Langly won in rock-paper-scissors.

Everything was okay for a while. We were too busy with work to have any personal discussions. Despite Mulder's earlier attempts to get me to talk to him, he did seem to genuinely want me working with him on the infiltration. I was glad to have the distraction of paperwork, none of which was done by Mulder... Even if it was tedious, it was better than giving it to him to do, and then having to do it over for him. Mulder never could get things like that right, despite his inherent genius. Of course, despite his IQ, there were plenty of things Mulder never could get right.

Timing was one of those things. Mulder always had terrible timing. He'd crack a joke at the wrong moment, attempt to kiss me at the wrong moment (when I just happened to have an alien-virus carrying bee on my neck)... It was just never one of his talents. That hadn't changed after three years. The last weekend of July was approaching. I was trying to figure out how to deal with what would have been occurring that Saturday...my wedding. With all of the things that had been going on in DC, I hadn't really come to terms with what had happened. Rob was gone, and he wasn't coming back. It wasn't something I'd be able to detach myself from forever. I had grieved, yes, but I needed to accept that it really was over. Part of me still thought that this new part of my life was just temporary. That I'd be able to give it up and go home to Rob and the house and the kids at my office...

It was that Thursday before the weekend that we finished all of our planning. The infiltration was going to be the first Saturday in August, just over a week away. We were thrilled to have planned out everything on time, and to finally be organized for once. This was a big job, and not something we could easily pull off. We had just been talking down in the old basement office.

I had found a picture of the two of us out on an investigation on the office wall. It was a candid photo, somebody must have been finishing up a roll of film. I looked at myself, it must've been four years later that I held the photo in my hand. The Dana Scully in that picture never assumed things would turn out like this. She never thought the man standing beside her would break her heart.

"Anyway, my informant said that nobody at the facility suspects a thing. They seem to think you moved away from California, but also away from DC. In fact, he said he never would've picked up on it himself unless I told him. They think you're seeking solitude."

"Mulder, how come this guy hasn't ever met with you?" I asked.

"He's scared, Scully. He got mixed up in this by mistake. He was a wealthy businessman, and they propositioned him--"

"I know, you told me. I just worry. Trust no one, and all... Well, you're informants haven't always turned out to be so great."

"No, Scully, this guy, I'm sure about him. If I can trust him, I'm sure you can."

"Oh, I can, I was just curious, that's all. It's becoming a lot more real now that it's only about a week away."

"Yeah. It's nice to be finished with everything," he said. He noticed the picture in my hand, and then spoke again, "Hey, Scully, we should celebrate. Can I take you out to dinner? As partners, and friends, nothing more."

"I don't know, Mulder..."

"Come on, Scully, I'm not up to anything. I just want to celebrate the work. We'll have fun."

"Well..." I thought about it. Part of me wanted to claim back my friendship with Mulder. Part of me wanted to not see him at all. Still...part of me wanted what he never really gave me. "Fine. But the food better be good," I teased.

"Thanks, Scully. Um, I'll pick you up at six?" He asked.

"Sure. Nowhere too fancy, Mulder," I warned, getting up. "I don't feel like digging out a dress to wear."

"Okay, I promise, jeans are fine."

I placed the picture on the desk and said, "I'll see you at six."

"See you then," he said, as I walked out.

Timing. Right as I was heading for an emotional spiral. Right as I was about to descend into the most confusing few days of my life. My life was going to turn around in the next week or so, and by the morning of the infiltration, everything would be different. And after the infiltration... If I could go back now, there are things I would've told him, things I would've done, but... Well, I didn't think things would go in the direction that they did.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Because this took so long, I'm posting two chapters! Sorry for the delay, but with school and whatnot life has been hectic. Hold on tight, I see MSR in the distance. But alas, the angst is not yet finished. Thank you endlessly for the reviews, keep them coming!