CHAPTER FOURTEEN

"If dreams came true, oh wouldn't that be nice? But this ain't no dream we're living through tonight. Girl, you want it, you take it, you pay the price...to prove it all night, prove it all night girl and call the bluff. Prove it all night, prove it all night and girl, I prove it all night for your love."

--Bruce Springsteen, "Prove It All Night"

I didn't stir until about twelve noon, a result of our bizarre sleeping hazards. Normally, sleeping in on the weekend is a privilege I deny myself, busy with errands that I don't have time for during the week. I was startled to realize that I wasn't at home, and to feel Mulder's presence in the bed. It took my sleep-dulled mind a moment to remember the events of the previous night, and a small smile came to my lips. I knew that I was stuck in the post-sex haze, the happiness that lasts for a few hours before the panic sets in. At least, that was how it went the last time...

I then began to deliberate what my options were. I could never skip out on the relationship, I'd made a commitment to him last night. Even if he was able to walk away from that once, I wouldn't be able to--no matter how fierce my pride was. Mulder gave me no reason to want to leave, at least not yet. Hopefully, this time it would be the way I had hoped for last time--that our working relationship and partnership would not suffer with the addition of a romantic relationship.

Mulder gave me the impression last night that he wanted an actual romantic relationship. That, I was excited about. I'd never shared with Mulder quiet candlelit dinners or lazy Sunday mornings, and I wondered how they would compare to those spent with the few other lovers I shared long term relationships with. Although I may come off as someone who enjoys being alone, I always much preferred living with someone, whether it be a roommate or a lover. I had forgotten what that was like for a long time before I left DC, and living alone all over again hadn't been easy for me. Maybe that, too, would change sometime, but I knew I couldn't plunge into living with Mulder anytime soon. At least it appeared I'd be spending fewer evenings alone.

I noticed that the rain was falling. I frowned in bed, hoping it wasn't a sign about the infiltration planned for late that night. Not so much a sign as an annoyance, actually. I didn't want to be storming warehouses soaking wet. I didn't want to wake Mulder, whom I hadn't known to sleep so soundly in ages. Maybe all of the insomnia was pent up sexual frustration, although I think over the years he had few qualms about relieving that frustration himself. I guess a partner other than his own hand was able to put him to sleep for once. Smiling wryly at my own innuendo, I decided to get out of bed.

Standing up, I began searching for something to wear. Finally, I threw on one of Mulder's button down shirts, opting that it would be more comfy than my clothing from the previous night, which was strewn around the room. It was actually quite clean for Mulder's place, so I wasn't about to complain. I smiled softly at his sleeping form, which hadn't roused when I left the bed. I padded from his bedroom into the kitchen, hoping for once to find something edible there.

I opened the refrigerator to find that Mulder had his seduction planned as meticulously as our infiltration: there was plenty to eat for breakfast in his kitchen for the first time in ages. I made myself a bowl of Special K (he apparently had figured out my cereal preference), and cut up some fresh strawberries I found in his fridge. I almost went into cardiac arrest finding fresh fruit in his kitchen, and began to wonder if the old Mulder had been abducted by the Syndicate. I smiled softly, knowing it was Mulder trying to woo me back again. Of course, had the apartment been bereft of food like old times, I would've stayed just the same.

It was quite some time later that I heard him stirring in the bedroom. Somewhat worried, he called out my name. "Scully? Scully!" his voice was hoarse with sleep, and I smiled at his fear that I had left him. If he would have noticed my scattered clothing, I'm sure he could have pieced together that I wouldn't have left naked.

"I'm inside," I called out, my mouth full of food. "Breakfast," I managed to swallow the cereal, "Didn't want to wake you."

He walked in a few seconds later, in nothing but his boxers. His hair was mussed from his sleep, and I remembered why he was so hard to resist when he shot me that goofy smile of his.

My mouth full again, I asked, "Did I worry you?"

"Didn't Mrs. Scully teach you not to talk with your mouth full?" he teased.

"I always was a rebel. Mrs. Scully taught her daughter not to do a lot of things, many of which you were not objecting to last night," I teased back.

He came up behind me, nuzzling my neck and said, "And so many of those things involve your mouth--"

"Watch it, you," I warned jokingly.

He laughed a little bit and took a seat at the table.

"There's food in the apartment, Mulder, and you actually slept last night...I'm seeing a whole new side of you," I grinned.

"Well, I wasn't going to let you starve. And as for sleep, all those years as an insomniac can be blamed on an empty bed," he raised his eyebrows.

"Want me to make you some breakfast?" I asked.

"Is this Homemaker Scully?" he teased. "I could get used to that."

"Well, don't. She only comes out once in a while when I'm in a good mood."

"Would she be willing to get me a bowl of cereal while I go brush my teeth?"

"Sure," I smiled, and he walked out of the room.

I poured the bowl of cereal, reveling in a guilty pleasure of mine: domesticity. I chopped up some more strawberries, and the scent of the sweet fruit filled the room. In little moments like this, I felt like a normal person again. If I closed my eyes, I felt seventeen all over again, care freely helping Mom prepare a meal, lit by the warm California sun. I used to dream of settling down with a handsome man, and I always enjoyed babysitting Charlie, as if he was my own little kid. I suppose that's why domesticity is such a guilty pleasure of mine. There would be nothing Mulder could do to make me admit that I liked to play housewife every once in a while, and it wasn't often that I did get the urge, but it was still something I enjoyed now and then. Even when I was with Rob, he did the majority of the cooking because, frankly, he was better at it. Sometimes it was nice to let go of the independent career woman thing and just be a woman for a while.

Mulder walked back in, still clad just in his boxers, looking refreshed. Digging a spoon into his cereal, he smiled and said, "That shirt looks much better on you than on me."

Looking down at his shirt that I was wearing, I replied, "As long as you don't start wearing my clothes, we'll be fine."

"Scully, I swear, it's strictly a comfort thing..." he joked, earning a roll of my eyes.

We were quiet for some time, and finally I said, "We've got a big day today..."

"Yeah, Scully, we do. Getting nervous?"

"Nah, I don't bother getting nervous for these things. Either way, I'm going in, so I might as well not waste time being nervous about it. If something happens, well, it'll happen."

"We're taking the greatest safety precautions, of course. I'm more nervous about what we're going to find."

"Why? Aren't you already sure of it?"

"I am, but... I guess I'm afraid it'll be something massive, something we can't stop."

"Well, we've handled some pretty heavy stuff, Mulder," I offered quietly.

"I know," he sighed, "I'm sure everything will work out. Hopefully we can get proof big enough to bring to the papers, but it all depends. We have to figure out how deep this thing goes. It could go to the president. This information could cause mass-hysteria, but I... I need to know."

"Me too, Mulder. I need to know what was so important that they killed Rob to deter me from looking for it. I just wish we had more help."

We were quiet for a long time then, and I quietly thought over the possibilities in my mind. I knew we had planned it perfectly--the Gunmen helping us bypass security, most of the Syndicate was out of the country, we had an informant inside... If everything went to plan, we'd get in, access the computers, and try to download the files. We had headsets wired to the Gunmen to help us with hacking, but the informant would be calling in an hour or so with a password and directions for us. Langly had assured us that even if the guy was bluffing, once we were in, they could break into the system from the van if we just disabled security. They also assured us it'd be an easy enough task for us to follow if they dictated it to us, and even had us practice in their offices. If none of that worked, we were to check the hard copies they had one file. We were bringing in cameras to take pictures, and we had covered all of our bases concerning bullet proof vests and weaponry...

My train of though was interrupted when Mulder caught my gaze and said, "Whatever happens tonight, Scully, I want you to know that I love you. I always have."

I froze, my breath caught in my throat. I just looked at him for a long time, trying to find the words to tell him but I couldn't. I couldn't do it, couldn't say it. I began to worry that maybe I didn't feel it, but I dismissed the thought quickly. I could feel it, but I was so afraid... It would make me vulnerable again, and... I couldn't say it. It was never easy for me to say. It was hard, so hard, to tell him three years ago, and when he didn't return it...it became even harder.

I had been able to trust him with my body, and why wouldn't I? The man worked wonders with it. That had been much less difficult than giving him my trust in everything else. I always had a bit of a trust issue, because I hadn't had the healthiest relationships in the past. Almost every man I dated had hurt me, so to begin with it had been difficult to trust Mulder. Then when he broke my heart, it became even more difficult.

I responded to his confession only with a silent smile and little nod. I was angry with myself. Damnit, I knew that I loved him. What the hell was wrong with me? I would have to get over this silly fear of showing him my feelings before I could have a real relationship with him. I was able to show him I loved him, so why couldn't I just say it? Shouldn't that have been the simple part? God, why did one night with him all those years ago have to make me so afraid? Why was I still harboring resentment, when he had promised that he changed?

I was always so strong, but at that moment, my strength had made me weak. I wasn't strong enough to tell him. That moment, like so many others, is one I often wish I could revisit. If only I knew then what I know now, if only I had any idea what would happen in such a short time... Well, just like with Rob, I would have told him exactly how I felt. Again, like on that last night I was with Rob, I was too weak. My strength, that aloofness, that wall that Mulder had inadvertently built around my heart, had stopped me.

And in hours, all of that would come crumbling down.

NOTES: Sorry this took forever, but I've been swamped with work. Expect the next chapter tomorrow maybe, really soon--I swear this time! It's guna be big, so hold on. Thanks a million to everyone who is reading--your reviews make my day. And they've been so busy and tedious lately that making my day is not an easy task. Thanks again, especially to those of you who have stuck around since the beginning and given so much feedback. We're almost done guys, but don't worry, I've got many more stories up my sleeve...g