She was back in her own nightmare.

She'd suffered enough; despite what Captain Janeway thought of her, Marla Gilmore possessed a fully functioning conscience. The captain had made her scorn clear. She hadn't really understood – no one who hadn't been on Equinox could have understood, not totally. Voyager had plenty of crewmen and food and weapons; Equinox had none of those things. She remembered well the feeling of dread that had come over the crew whenever sensors detected another ship. Most of the time on Equinox, that had meant someone was going to die.

All the same, she knew what she'd done, and once she'd passed from the darkness of Equinox to the relative light of Voyager, what she'd done had torn at her. The other Equinox survivors could console themselves that they hadn't really had that much to do with...what had gone on. Brian had just been a security officer, like any other. The others had mostly been just regular crewmen, except for Noah. Noah had started off as a buck crewman, but Captain Ransom had made him a part of the senior bridge crew. She had no such luxury. She'd been there when they first tried to investigate the Spirits of Good Fortune. She'd been there when they realized what a source of power those aliens represented. And she'd redesigned the warp core to use the new source of fuel.

She'd cried a few times when she did it, but despair and her captain's orders had won out.

Marla sat in the broken, shattered place that served this ship as a readyroom for the senior crew. She didn't remember it as having been usable. The table was rickety; the chairs were missing casters and legs and arms. The comm unit on the wall hadn't worked in years. Everything was much as she remembered it. She'd tried desperately to make the ship a decent place to live, but most of her time was spent trying to repair the primary systems with nothing but her hands, a few tools, and never enough resources.

The door opened. Ransom, Burke, and Lessing came in. Overhead, the light guttered on and off. Rudy looked positively yellow in this light, and Burke...well, Burke was always going to be Burke. She'd never liked how casual he had been about it. Spirits of Good Fortune. Yeah, good fortune for us. Rudy might have been the man who gave the orders, but Burke had been the ship's executioner. She tried not to flinch from him.

"All right." Rudy's voice was rough but calm. "Marla, you're finally awake. It's time to bring you up to speed." He leaned forward and put a fatherly hand on her shoulder. "What...what do you remember?"

Marla put a hand on the back of her neck. Despair rained down on her like a thousand heavy rocks wrapped in foam. "I...uhhh...," she began. "God, where do I begin? We escaped from Voyager, but they caught up with us. Seven had locked out our enhanced warp device with codes, so we couldn't use them. They captured Lessing."

Noah smiled at that and shook his head. "I'm right here, Marl," he said softly.

Tears rose to her eyes and she fought them back down. She didn't feel right, and hadn't since she woke up. But dammit, she was a Starfleet officer and she would act like it no matter how hard it was. She swallowed the frog in her throat and valiantly forced herself to continue.

"They caught up with us, and Rudy was going to surrender the ship. Max...," she looked away from him. "Max had a mutiny. And...uh...I didn't go along with it, and five of us ended up on Voyager and the rest of the crew...," she felt another lump in her throat. "They died. Janeway stripped us of rank and put us to work as crewmen on her vessel...then we made it back to the Alpha Quadrant, and we got kicked out of Starfleet."

Burke chuckled out loud, and she flinched.

"Wow, Marla," he said softly. "You've got an active imagination." He snickered. "Mutiny. Boy, what do you think of me?"

"Belay that," Rudy said easily. "It wasn't her fault. Marla, we'll explain everything to you. The Borg drone was on our ship, but she didn't lock us out of the enhanced warp device." His features pinched. "In some ways, I wish she had. It might have been easier."

He shook his head slowly. "We got back to the ship, and we got away from Voyager. You stunned the Borg drone and we beamed her down to a class-M planet. Janeway had to break off pursuit in order to go get her...and when they knew they'd lost...Janeway did a terrible thing. No matter what we did to them, I never would've dreamed of doing what she did."

Marla eyed him curiously.

"What did she do?" she asked.

"She tried to assassinate you," he answered. "She...," he shook his head again as if disgusted by it. "She beamed a photon torpedo into Engineering. It was under the rubble, so you wouldn't have seen it. It was...well, let's just say Janeway doesn't have any claim to the moral high ground anymore. The photon torpedo didn't just explode; it went off two hours after we went to enhanced warp. It was an act of cold-blooded murder, nothing less." His features twisted in hate.

"You were badly hurt...you almost died. The EMH did everything he could. What he had to do, Marla, was put you into an induced coma to protect your higher brain functions. We'd gone to enhanced warp; we'd jumped about five hundred light years. It was enough to buy us some time against Voyager. We haven't seen them in months."

Marla put a hand to her face and felt shock puddle in her belly. Janeway had targeted her? Specifically? Trying to assassinate her? The idea was chilling.

"The doctor stimulated your brain from time to time. He had to, so that we could wake you up when the time was right. He says that one of the side effects of this would have been very vivid dreams. That's what you remember, Marla. Very vivid...very detailed...dreams. But it wasn't real. And I'm glad it wasn't."

Marla looked around the desolate ship. She had never served on Voyager. She had never made it back to the Alpha Quadrant. None of it had been real. She'd only been on that bright, powerful ship for a few days, then scuttled back to the dark den in which she had lived for the past six years.

But it had seemed so real.

"Our current status has been the same for those past few months. We're hiding while we make repairs. Warp drive and enhanced warp are both down. We have impulse. We have one shuttle, and that's warp-capable. There's a planet not too far away from here. We've been getting supplies from there."

She closed her eyes. How had they been getting supplies? Hunting wildlife? Stealing? Threats? Rudy was more into stealing supplies. Find a planet, beam down, take what you want, and leave. Burke was colder. Burke would do whatever he had to do in order to get what he wanted. She didn't want to know where the food was coming from.

She'd have to get used to that now. In a dark world with few comforts, you didn't question where food came from. She'd preferred the lighter, kinder world of Voyager, even if she only counted as one of its lowest criminals. There were precious few luxuries on Equinox, and morals were a luxury that no one could afford.

She didn't want to give up those morals. Giving them up once had cost her a lot; her rank, and eventually her Starfleet career. It had cost her the respect of those who maintained their morals, and had cost her her own self-respect. She knew what Rudy was going to say before he said it.

"Marla, now that you're awake, we need you to fix the warp core. Everything's been pretty much blown to shreds. You'll have to fix the warp core...and you'll have to rebuild the enhanced warp device."

She shuddered, imagining the sound of those horrid aliens. There was no choice but to get used to it again. Either that, or do what more than one Equinox crewman had done – go into Cargo Bay 2, seal the inner doors, and expose the whole thing to vacuum. It was quick and painless, and that call could be appealing on a ship full of pain.

"I...I'll get started on the warp core," she said, and her voice sounded dry and dessicated in the smoky air of the battered vessel.

Rudy caught her qualified statement. "Marla," he said in that voice which could be gruff but very understanding and kind at the same time, "you need to be with us. Remember. Janeway's out there. She'll be hunting us. And if she finds out that she didn't finish the job on you...,"

Marla nodded slowly, unwillingly.

"We need that enhanced warp. We have no choice. We can't outfight Voyager, and we can't outrun her at normal warp. We've probably got some time, but....if we don't get that enhanced warp back online, Voyager will kill us."

Burke eyed her coolly for a moment. "Besides, Marla, we went to a lot of effort to keep you alive," he said. "We gave up stuff we copuldn't really afford to get medical supplies for you. It's not easy to have someone in a coma on a ship like this."

"Belay that," Rudy said. "Of course we would keep you alive, Marla. But we need you now. You're one of us."

Marla hung her head and felt tears sting her eyes.

"Yes, sir," she whispered.

Kathryn Janeway was not happy.

She had contacted Starfleet one last time to ask after Marla Gilmore's disappearance, even though she thought the move to be foolish. It might be a red flag to someone who was watching.

Was there anyone watching? The idea seemed hard to stomach. The Cardassians had a secret police. So did the Romulans. But Starfleet and the Federation was not supposed to be about such things; the midnight knock at the door and enemies of the state disappearing was not part of what she was sworn to protect.

It wasn't supposed to be like that. No one deserved to simply disappear into a van with no questions asked. It didn't matter what crimes they had committed; that wasn't what she was here to protect and defend. Starfleet's careless disinterest bothered her. And someone stealing from her ship...that was asking for trouble. Janeway took another pull at her coffee and wondered what she was going to do now.

The tone signaled someone at her door. "Come," she said curtly.

Tuvok entered her readyroom and strode inside. She nodded at him. "Anything to report, Mr. Tuvok?"

"There are no Starfleet records in regard to the missing Ankari device," he began. "It was simply removed from our inventory. There are no logs of people entering the ship other than standard maintenance personnel.. Likewise, I have not been successful in unlocking the records of the Equinox crew."

"I have attempted to track down the remaining Equinox crewmen. Brian Sofin and James Morrow remain in pretrial detention. I was unable to communicate directly with them. Angelo Tassoni was released. He purchased private passage to a colony planet. I am waiting for the captain of the passenger vessel to reply to my request. I believe he is on that ship, though. Noah Lessing is with his family on Earth."

Janeway nodded. "Did you talk to him?" she asked.

"Mr. Lessing was...not happy to speak with me. He informed me that as he had been dishonorably discharged from Starfleet, he was no longer the...'ship's slave'. He reminded me I possessed no command authority over him and that he would refuse to speak to Voyager command crew without the presence of defense counsel. He invited me to perform an obscene act with the ship's warp core and cut the connection."

Janeway shrugged. It wasn't surprising. Still, didn't the man realize that Marla Glmore had vanished? And the only Starfleet officers who even seemed to care were the Voyager crew?

"Do you think Tassoni or Lessing know anything?"

"I do not believe Mr. Tassoni is involved," Tuvok said. "I do not have verification of that, but it can be induced from the facts we have. The colony world he is traveling to has little strategic value and is quite isolated. Mr. Lessing I am less sure of. He was closer to Ms. Gilmore, and he might well have been somehow involved in her disappearance."

Another sip of coffee served to fortify her. "All right. Hmmm...have Tom try. Tom's a bit of the rogue; he may get some cooperation out of him."

"There are a few things that whoever locked us out of the Equinox files appears to have missed," Tuvok continued.

"Really?" She leaned forward. Whatever clues might be on the ship could be useful.

"Yes," Tuvok said. "The Equinox EMH's program is still within the secondary data core. He has not been...aware....since the Equinox incident, but he might be able to shed some light on the situation. We could route his program to the holodeck to ensure he is suitably confined."

"Do it," Janeway said immediately.

"I will." Tuvok looked slightly uncomfortable. "I have discovered that Marla Gilmore maintained some personal logs on Voyager that we are able to access."

Janeway leaned forward. "So whoever locked us out of the records missed them too?"

Tuvok nodded. "Ms. Gilmore did not employ the standard in naming or storing her logs. She did not use the ship's computer. She used a smaller, self-contained unit she salvaged from a damaged shuttlecraft. That is different but not a violation of ship's rules; it seems she had permission from Lieutenant Torres to do so. However...I am loath to have them in my report."

Janeway considered. Personal logs were not guaranteed to be private, but only the captain or security officer could access them. Starfleet's general rule of thumb was that you'd better have a very good reason for poking around someone's logs.

"Where are they now?"

"Copies are in the ship's computer, locked under my security code."

"Is there anything of use?"

Tuvok stopped for a moment. "The logs are suggestive that Ms. Gilmore's disappearance was not staged," he said slowly. "I...I do not wish to cause embarassment for other members of the crew mentioned in her entries."

All right. "Carry on your investigation, Mr. Tuvok," she said. "Keep me posted. Dismissed."

"Of course, Captain." Tuvok rose and departed smoothly.

Janeway took another contemplative pull of her coffee and pondered. She called up the simple record that was all that remained of Marla Gilmore's service on Voyager.

"All right," she told the picture. "Now who would've wanted to do this to you? And is there anything here I should know about?" She turned her head. "Computer, access the personal logs of Marla Gilmore. Authorization Janeway."

Entries began to scroll up her screen. She selected the last one. It was dated after Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant.

Gilmore's personal log

Stardate 54974.6

Well, this is it. Voyager is back in the Alpha Quadrant. This may well be my last entry. Captain Janeway has told Starfleet what we did. We've been restricted to the ship, which is nothing new. Everyone else is heroes here; but the rest of the Equinox crew and I...we're criminals. I got the charges today.

I told Harry to just go on with his life. He may end up a starship captain – if he gets his promotion, which is long overdue. My future is probably going to involve a dishonorable discharge, prison time – I can't ask him to damage his career for my sake. I've done enough. I really do like him, and he's been one of the few Voyager crewmembers who hasn't treated us like hated outcasts. That hurt, because Harry was one of the few good things in my life, but I had to do it.

Janeway realized what Tuvok had meant. She'd heard that Harry Kim had taken Marla Gilmore to Sandrine's a few times – it was a small ship, and the only thing faster than transwarp was gossip. It was something Harry would do; he was willing to offer friendship to just about anyone. Janeway thought it to his credit rather than to his detriment. And now that she thought about it, he had seemed just a bit down about something.

I'm scared. I'm not proud of what I did. I'd go back and fix it if I could. But I don't think anyone on Voyager really understands what it was like on Equinox. They never had to go without food for days. They suffered, sure, but not like us.

Does that mean anything? Sometimes we went for days, even weeks without food. We saw our fellow crewmen slaughtered and tortured. We had a jerry-rigged EMH who mostly knew how to hand out mood elevants and painkillers like candy. Aliens who saw us mostly either took advantage of us or fired on us or both. We tried to play by Starfleet rules at first – and we paid dearly for it. Once Rudy relaxed the rules, life got...well, better. If Equinox had continued to play by Starfleet rules we'd have been dead long before we ever met up with Voyager.

Captain Janeway has been hard on us. I wonder if she ever thought about the fact that the only reason she could maintain her oh-so-strict Starfleet morals is because her ship was designed for deep space travel. And she had phasers and photon torpedoes and shields and a full crew, so she could fight back.

I'd like to see her go through half what we did – hell, a quarter – and see if she still thinks of us as evil incarnate.

I'm scared. I had orders from my captain. I followed them. I wasn't happy about it, but I followed them. That's what you're supposed to do, especially when you're on the other side of the galaxy and all you have is your captain. Captain Janeway didn't understand us. And her crew followed her example, except for rare cases like Harry and Seven. I'd be foolish to think the Federation is any different. Our names will go in the pantheon of Starfleet's worst criminals and shameful times. The mutinies on USS Pegasus and Excalibur, the war crimes of USS Harding – there's going to be a new chapter in that book entitled USS Equinox, and I'm going to be front and center in that. Not that it'll matter to me, because I'll be in a prison or a penal colony or something.

We're allowed a few small privileges we didn't have before – I guess the captain figures she can throw a few crumbs to us slaves now that we're back in the Alpha Quadrant. We get some holodeck time and access to Federation news. Apparently the Federation had a war and used some sort of bioweapon to win it. I wonder if the people who did that are ever going to go on trial. I doubt it.

At least I won't be on a ship where I'm hated and scorned anymore. In a prison, at least I'll be around other people who have committed crimes, so hopefully they won't judge me so harshly, each and every day.

That's something.

Janeway let out a sigh through her nose. This was the flipside of accessing personal logs; the 24th century equivalent of listen not at a keyhole lest ye be vexed. The unforgiving, judgmental captain in those logs was hardly how she saw herself. Hadn't she urged leniency for Gilmore? Hadn't she removed her security restrictions after a year? Was this just the log entry of a frightened woman who at that time had been facing the possibility of a long prison term? Didn't Gilmore realize that Voyager's officerswere the only ones in Starfleet that were investigating her disappearance?

She felt somewhat silly as she realized that no, Marla Gilmore probably wouldn't know that. Even so. Had she set an example for the crew that the Equinox survivors were criminals to be outcast? Was that why Lessing had refused to help? The Equinox crew had always been a sore point with her, for their own crimes and for her lapses.

She drummed her fingers on her desk. If she had committed some wrongs along the way, she would set them right. That was what she did. She set things right.