Chapter 3 - The Funeral
Everything was so dark. It was so hard to find any joy in anything.
It was a beautiful day - unusually hot for a September day - and there weren't much clouds in the sky. Then there was of course always these smells and sounds that let you know you weren't in the city anymore. I haven't been out at April's farmhouse that many times, in fact, if I had human hands I could've probably counted the times on my fingers. But the peaceful nature and isolated location that had earlier made me feel so calm, it didn't seem to exist anymore.
Everything was just black.
The grass we stepped on was black, the trees surrounding us were black, the sky above us was black. Even the birds were black that day.
The six of us had been walking for a good thirty minutes and I had been staring at the ground for the most of the time, lookingup at Raphael's shell every now and then. He and Leo carried the wooden coffin I had made for Sensei earlier that day. There had been a few looks when Leo decided to carry the coffin to the grave site, due to the reason he had passed out earlier that day. The sun and lack of food became worse than he could handle, and in spite of his dismissal of us we still worried. I offered to carry the coffin but Leo insisted he'd do it. I know he felt it was the honourable thing to do for Sensei, but I also believe that he felt obligated to do it. Being our leader he took upon him every responsibility he could find. I suppose Master Splinter's funeral wasn't any different.
Although he didn't dig the grave.
It had been on his and Raph's way there that he had fainted. Raph stubbornly took him back to the house, even though Leo insisted he was fine, and Casey left instead of him. Of course Leo protested about the whole thing, but Casey told him that he needed to make himself useful. He had to feel that he had at least done something for Splinter. Plus, Casey's never been the kind of person to sit by the sideline.
Anyway, Leo walked up front with the coffin and Raphael carried it in the other end. Mikey walked behind me, while April and Casey were in the back. I still remember the sound of April's sniffles and Casey's murmuring to comfort her. I wasn't crying but I'd been carrying that burning sensation in my throat ever since we left the house. I listened for any tears from Mikey behind me, but I didn't hear any. So either he wasn't crying or he did so silently. Technically he shouldn't have had any tears left. But if it's something you come to realize when someone dies, it's how long you can actually cry before your body goes completely dry up on tears.
There were times where I cried even without the tears.
The place Raph and Leo had picked for Sensei's resting place was beautiful, or at least as beautiful as anything could be at the time. But coming there afterwards... it always takes my breath away. After walking through a - well, I wouldn't call it a forest, more like a gathering of threes - we came to a grove with this glorious oak tree hovering over the open grass. It looked almost as if the ground and all the smaller threes around it had been put there as a tribute to the oak. Even the way the sun's rays peeked though its branches seemed like a celebration to the majestic three. Not far from the oak, still under the shadow of its limbs, the open grave laid. If it hadn't been for the oak having so big roots, they would've put the grave directly in front of it.
For the ceremony they put the coffin in front of the grave. Mikey had picked some - well, I wouldn't call them flowers, most of them had withered for the year - but they were some kind of plants. He placed them on top of the coffin. They were actually rather beautiful. But they looked puny compared to the bouquets April had bought before we left New York. Leo actually called her up and told her about Sensei's favorite flowers. They were from all of us. I guess Mikey just felt he had to bring something that only came from him.
Close to noon we gathered around the coffin, while Leo took on the part of minister and stood in front of it, to be able to address the rest of us properly. He must've put a lot of thought to the task, because he held a well prepared speech in honor of Sensei's memory.
It was beautiful.
It was almost five years ago, so of course I don't remember all of it. But parts of it has etched itself into my memory. Mostly he talked about how thankful he was for everything that Master taught us, and for taking care of us when he barely had enough food for himself. Some of Leo's words are even clear enough for me to quote.
"You've been my strength when growing up, as have you been my guide when feeling lost. And I promise to do everything in my power to make my brothers feel as safe and as loved as you have made me."
I remember that after he said that.. I just couldn't control my tears anymore. Mikey had started crying at Leo's first word and Raph stillheld his pain inside. There was something else Leo said that really touched me.
He said, "Although you leave us here today, we will always remember you in everything we do and everything you taught us."
After that, everyone got to give their last goodbyes. Michelangelo went up first.
I'll never forget the image of him holding that small piece of paper in his hands, on which he had written a poem. It was about all the things he'd miss about Sensei. Many of them were small things. For instance; the way he gurgled whenever he drank tea, or the way his whiskers twitched when he got embarrassed. I remember reacting to how sincere he sounded when reading it.
There was no doubt those words had come from Mikey's heart.
He held the piece of paper with both his hands as he looked at the rest of us, occasionally peeking down at the note. But the further into the poem he got, the harder it became for him to finish it. By the time he was done he had his face buried in both of his hands, his tears soaking the note he still held onto. Everyone was crying so hard by then, even Raph wiped tears from his eyes.
Raphael's goodbyes wasn't so much talking to us, as he was to Splinter. I don't know if he even knew we where there. At that moment he didn't seem to care about anything else but the wooden coffin on the ground before his feet. He thanked Sensei for everything he had done for him and for putting up with him. I remember he apologized for being so angry all the time, and that even though he sometimes had a weird way of showing it, he had always loved him.
Even till this day, that is the only time I've ever heard Raph say he loves someone. I guess it's only something you get to hear on your death-bed, but it's not like we think he doesn't love us. I know he does. He knows we know, too. It's saying it out loud that's so hard for him. It's just the way he is, and we've accepted that, Splinter too.
After Raph had done his goodbyes, I did mine. I had prepared a speech, but as I got up there, by his coffin, my mouth just dried up. I couldn't remember a word I had planned. Mikey had been smart for writing his down. And I don't know how Leo did it... I just couldn't bring myself to recall - so, I spoke from the heart.
I don't remember much of what I said, ironically. Like the others I thanked him for loving and raising us, while telling him that I loved him. However I do remember bringing up a memory.
I was seven and I had had a fight with Splinter. I had fiddled with the toaster and in result broken it. On the morning when the five of us were having breakfast he obviously found out about it. I remember that he told me that he was tired of me playing with all our belongings and putting apart everything we owned. He told me we couldn't afford me breaking anything else and sent me to my room without even getting to finish my breakfast.
Not long after he'd sent me to my room - well, mine and Mikey's, we shared rooms back then - he came after me. I was really hurt by what he said and had been crying. I was lying in my bed with by back against him as he came in, and I remember how it felt when he sat down on the bed. How the weight kind of shifted. He apologized for what he said and told me that I should never stop learning and experimenting.
He sounded genuinely sorry.
His voice was very strained and he was very careful when touching my shoulder, willing for me to look at him. I heard his every word but kept my shell turned to him, my eyes fixated on the concrete wall. He pleaded with me to forgive him, but I just laid there; ignoring him. After he realized I wasn't going to give him any answer.. he left, and I started crying again - this time even harder.
Anyway, as I stood there on his funeral, by his coffin, I told him that it was okay and that I accepted his apology. And in return I apologized to him for not telling him sooner. It's one of my clearest childhood memories and it had been haunting me for years. I really felt like that little boy again as I stood there, and I just wanted to hear him say that it was okay.
In that moment... I just missed him so much. I don't think I've ever needed him as bad as I did right then. Not even when I was that seven year old little boy, crying on my bed.
God, I'm almost crying right now by just thinking of it. I guess some pain never goes away, least not completely.
After April and Casey had said their goodbyes, and I'm sorry, but I can't remember them - at all. I was too lost in my own grief to hear what they said, but after they were done, the four of us - me, Mikey, Raph and Leo - used ropes to lower the coffin into the ground. We had brought two ropes that we put underneath the coffin, as close to the edges as they could get, and stood in the four corners of the grave when lowering it down into the seven feet deep hole, each holding the ropes by one of the four ends.
When Splinter was in his grave, Leo and Raph used the two shovels that were left there from digging the hole, to cover it. Then, for a few minutes, we just stood there, staring at the loose soil, until Leo brought himself to speak. I remember you could hear in his voice that he had been crying, it was very sore. He ended the ceremony with a last few words, which even now touch me just as deeply as they did back then.
"With our love for you and for each other we shall carry your memory into eternity, where we will all meet again someday."
No wonder I still remember the words, huh?
Raph and I carried the shovels as we walked back, all of us in silence, apart from sobs and sniffles. If possible, the world seemed even darker when walking back. My father had been buried and with that his death was official. He wasn't coming back and things would never be the same again. It felt wrong as we walked away, leaving him behind. I knew it was only a body, only his shell, but it still felt wrong. He was one of ours and we left him. What more felt wrong was that there wasn't even a gravestone to prove that he was lying there. We couldn't risk anyone finding him.
Would anyone ever find his body they would take it and examine it. They'd pick his bones apart and imagine what he looked like when he was alive. They'd calculate how long he'd been lying under the big oak tree and maybe even put him in some museum for people to point and look at. And because of this we had to keep him a secret.
We had to hide him from the world.
It was as if he had never existed.
We returned to a quiet house. No one said a thing. The only thing you heard was our foot steps against the wooden floor, April and Casey making the most noise since they had shoes. We gathered in the kitchen and April put on some coffee. Mike helped her set the table and I remember sitting there at the table, thanking April as she poured me a cup. Then we just sat there in silence, for I don't know how many minutes.
The first one to say anything was Mikey.
"I think he would've like it," he said.
April was the only one to agree with him as the rest of us just looked back down, not feeling up to talking about it.
It actually took us some time to start talking about him. In the beginning there was just too much pain and not enough good memories to balance it up, but Mike always attempted for us to talk about him. It was his way of moving on. He had to talk about it. I did sometimes listen to him and talk to him about Sensei, even though it hurt, because I knew he needed it.
And he'd do it for me.
I guess in time, when we were ready, Mikey helped us moving on by confronting what happened. Both the good and the bad memories. I guess that's it with grieving. You can't just pick the happy times for the ride, the hard times make themselves known, as well. That's what makes the process so much harder.
I'm just so glad we had each other, and that we still do. I don't think any of us would've come out of it alive if we had to go through it alone. Sure, we have all dealt with it in our own ways, but when it all comes around we've mourned him together. He was father to us all and we all loved him. We understood what the others went through, because we were going through it ourselves, and that it was brought us comfort.
We weren't alone.
It's what's been our strength, and still is. It's what will bring us through whatever tragedy we'll run into in the future. Because whatever it will be - we'll face it together, like Splinter taught us.
Again, I feel I should quote what Leo said that day by the oak. Because in my opinion, none one could say it any better. So what's the use in trying?
"With our love for you and for each other we shall carry your memory into eternity, where we will all meet again someday."
All scientific facts aside; I'd like to think that he was telling the truth, and that someday we in fact will meet again.