And Kami Said, "Let There Be Stupidity."
Ch 2
The next thing Zarbon knew was that he had a splitting headache. "Oh….shit….." He opened his eyes and saw…
His own face staring back at him.
"What the hell?!"
He saw his face sneer at him.
Zarbon felt himself being easily lifted out of a pile of rubble and was held face to face with himself. He stared into his own golden eyes and saw them flash with anger.
"Oh Zarbon sweetie? You are in deep shit now."
"Uh oh…..hey…Spara?"
"You got that right." She said, eyes narrowing. "You are so lucky you are in my body or else you would probably be dead right now."
Zarbon looked down at himself and saw that was indeed he was in Spara's body. He gave the tail a test twitch. "Heh heh heh…good news for me I suppose. Now would please put me down now?"
She sneered at him again and promptly dropped him on his ass.
"Ouch! Geez… you may not want to kill your body but you don't seem to have any vices about hurting it."
"Heh, my body heals rather fast. Death however is a little more difficult to recover from." She said as she turned away from him.
"Uh huh…ah, where's Pixie and Piccolo?" he asked as he stood up and brushed himself off.
"Pixie woke up first before all of us and Piccolo hasn't regained consciousness yet. I Can't wait to see how pissed he's gonna be."
Zarbon looked up and saw Piccolo-- er, now Pixie, walking out of the kitchen carrying the spell book.
"Lets see…body transfer…body transfer…" she looked up and saw that Zarbon was now conscious and smiled at him.
"Glad to see you are finally back with us Zarby. Now maybe you will be able to show me just EXACTLY which one of these spells you used."
"Wha….? There was more than one type of transfer spell?" Zarbon asked, amazed.
Spara groaned and looked down at herself. "You mean we're gonna be stuck this way until Zarbon remembers which spell it was he used?"
"Looks like." Pixie said, smiling.
"You know you don't look HALF as upset right now as you really should be." Spara said crossly.
Pixie just grinned even more, showing her fangs. "Oh you have no idea how much I am really enjoying this. This is like the ultimate payoff for me!"
"Ultimate payoff.....?"
"Oh defiantly! I now control Piccolo! I can make him do anything I want! There are endless possibilities for embarrassment!"
"Hmph, I'm sure. Well you might be enjoying this but I'm not! Just look at me! I'm a frikkin fruit!!" And that being said, she ripped off her cape and wrapped it around her waist.
"Hey! What do you think you are doing!? That was my favorite cape!" Zarbon shouted.
"Bite me Zarby. Its your own fault for being so bloody fruity that you have to wear a Speedo all the damn time! I'm gonna go find some jeans." And with that, she stormed out of the room.
"What's her problem?" Pixie asked.
Zarbon sighed. "Hormones. Unfortunately for her my body, having multiple forms, also has a very complex body chemistry, including several different sets of hormones. She just hasn't learned to cope with all of them yet."
"Yeah... when she first awakened she was having trouble standing up. I thought it was because she was still dizzy from being knocked into the wall but it turns out she just isn't used to balancing without a tail."
"Really? This thing is that important?" Zarbon asked as he fingered the length of fur wrapped around his waist.
"I guess so." Pixie said as she sat next to her still unconscious body. "Y'know I hope Piccy doesn't do anything rash when he wakes up and finds himself in my body."
"Fuu. Like what?"
"Uh, I don't know....like kill himself?"
"Eh, good point. I wouldn't worry much though. He won't be able to do much in that weak body."
"Well yeah but–HEY!! That's my body you are talking about!"
"I know. And its weak." Zarbon stated plainly.
"Well it's not my fault pixies are weak. That's why we have chibi armies."
Zarbon just sat there watching Pixie for a few moments. Even thought he knew it was Pixie on the inside it still looked like Piccolo on the outside and it was highly amusing to see the Namek pout.
A few minutes later Spara came back into the room wearing jeans and a t-shirt.
Zarbon looked surprised. "Wow I actually HAVE jeans?"
"No, I had to make a quick trip to the store to get these. Oh and two things. One, don't let me dig around in your room EVER again. I found things in there that would make Roshi blush. And two, remind me to have a talk with you about ALL of your credit cards."
"Oh...heh heh....you found those did you?"
"Well no duh." She said as she pulled out his wallet, opened it, and a string of credit cards five feet long cascaded out and fell to the floor.
"Wow.....there's more plastic there than in Pamela Anderson Lee!" Pixie exclaimed in awe. "Boy would my chibi's love to get their hands on those!"
Zarbon grinned sheepishly. "Well what did you expect from me? A girl has to have the necessities."
"But you aren't a girl!!"
"Do you deny that this body is female?"
"No that's not what I meant and you know it!" she shouted at him.
Before Zarbon could reply there was a groan from Piccolo's side of the room.
"Looks like sleeping beauty is finally waking up." Said Pixie as she knelt next to Piccolo.
"Uh.......my head......" Piccolo groaned as he sat up. "Oh, man you guys wouldn't believe the dream I had! I dreamed Zarbon's kooky cooking made us all trade bodies with each other and the worst part was I got Pixie's......Why are you all looking at me like that?" He looked around the room seeing first Spara's look of slight annoyance, Zarbon's look of utter amusement, and finally.....
"Oh no......nonononononononononononononononononono........ PLEASE tell me that is Nail out for a bit of fresh air! "
"Nope sorry Piccy." Spara said as she sat next to him. "You're in Pixie's body and she's in yours. Same way Zarby and I traded bodies."
"S-spara?" Piccolo asked, somewhat amazed.
"Yup its me."
"But how?" he asked.
"Just as you said. Zarbon's cooking." she said as she glared at Zarbon.
"So wait, I wanna get this straight. You, " He said, pointing to Spara, "The guy with the blue skin is Spara?"
She nodded.
"And you," he continued, "the chick with the tail is Zarbon?"
He nodded.
"And that," he said finally, indicating Pixie, "dashing specimen of a Namek, is the ever present thorn in my side, Pixie?!?!"
They all sweat dropped.
"So I get 'the guy with the blue skin, Zarby gets 'the chick with the tail', and Pixie gets 'the dashing specimen of a Namek'? Ego much?"
"And this little predicament is Zarbon's fault?" Piccolo asked.
"Yeah. Point?" Zarbon asked.
Piccolo just looked at him in silence for a few awkward moments. He then stood up and faced Zarbon.
"My point? My point dear Zarbon is I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!" He lunged at Zarbon but Spara jumped in, blocking his way.
"No Piccolo! He's in my body and if you kill him then I'm gonna be stuck this way for the rest of my life!"
"I don't care!" Piccolo shouted as he tried to get by her. "I must kill him before his stupidity kills us all!!" He managed to evade her and tackled Zarbon, pinning him to the ground.
"Hey! A little help here!?" Zarbon exclaimed as Piccolo wrapped his hands around Zarbon's throat.
"Feh, you're a Saiyajin you can take care of him yourself." Spara said, with a wee hint of contempt in her voice. She stepped away from them and folded her arms across her chest to watch.
"Oh right." Zarbon said and he started to charge up.
"No! Don't take care of him!" Pixie shouted as she pulled Piccolo off of Zarbon. "That's my body and I would like to keep it in one piece!"
Piccolo struggled in vain against his own body's iron grip. "Dammit Zarbon! Of all the shit you have pulled on us in the past, the cookies that transformed us into Pokemon, the mind control juice, the viagra laced senzu–– well actually that wasn't so bad–– but the point is that out of all of that, this is the absolute worst!"
"Really? I don't think its so bad."Zarbon replied, tail twitching in amusement.
"Of course you don't think its so bad! You're not stuck in the weak ass body of a friggin pixie!!" Piccolo shouted .
"Hey watch it Piccy. You wouldn't want to be seen in public doing something horrendously embarrassing would you?"
"You wouldn't dare!!"
Pixie grinned. "Watch me."
Spara snickered. "Piccy sweetie you really don't know her that well. She will go to any lengths to get her revenge. I know of a certain former Japanese teacher who has just joined the NRA (national rifles/guns Association) to keep her away from him."
"The NRA.....I never thought of that! I could have gotten away from her years ago!" Piccolo exclaimed.
"Hardly. Check under your shirt." Pixie said.
Piccolo quickly glanced down the collar of the shirt. "Well I'll be damned..... a bullet proof vest. So that's why you felt heavier when I picked you up today. I though it was just because you were getting fa– "
*SMACK*
"Finish that sentence and you will regret it for the rest of your life." Pixie snapped.
"Ow.........so that's what pain feels like....."
"And I went easy on you. You never did that for me. The only reason you aren't spitting teeth at the moment is because of our current body situation." Pixie said sweetly.
"Okay, okay I get the message. Will you put me down now?"
"Do you promise not to kill Zarbon?" She asked.
"Yeah I promise I won't kill Zarbon. At least not until we get our right bodies back."
"Meh, close enough." she said as she set him on the ground.
Spara yawned. "Okay guys Its late at night and I don't know about the rest of you but I'm tired and want to go to bed. Now unless Zarbon and Pixie can come up with an antidote in about five minutes I propose that Pix and Piccy stay here for the night."
"Good idea! But I can't get the antidote until Zarbon remembers which one of these spells he used." Pixie said.
"Well can't you just use one of the standard reverse spells?" Piccolo asked.
"Nope. Already tried it. Something must have been wrong with the first spell. The reverse spell just made us woozy and didn't work."
"What?! I did everything right for the first spell!" Zarbon said indignantly.
"Well did you use a substitution for one of the ingredients?" Pixie asked.
"N-no, not really…" Zarbon said nervously.
"Zarbon……"
"Hell monkey hair is monkey hair." He muttered to himself as he fiddled with his tail.
Pixie perked up. "Did you say monkey hair?"
Zarbon nodded.
"Well that particular ingredient should narrow down the spells to a few if not one!" Pixie said excitedly. She grabbed up the spell book and quickly began flipping through the pages. "Monkey hair…..monkey hair…..lets see." Pixie mumbled. "Ah here it is! Page 152, body transference. " She began reading the page. Piccolo snickered.
"Your lips move when you read Pix."
She glared at him. "Need I remind you that, in fact, they are your lips that are moving?"
Piccolo paled. "Uh, never mind."
"That's what I thought." she said as she returned to her reading. "Uh oh…" Pixie muttered. "Oh this is not good…"
"I really don't like the sound of that." Spara said.
Pixie finished the page and looked up from the book, eyes wide. She was silent for several minutes, continuing to stare off into space as though contemplating an idea slightly beyond her grasp.
"Uh, helloooooo?" Zarbon said, waving his hand in front of her face, "Earth to Pixie!" He shouted into her ear.
She snapped out of it and just blinked at him, a confused look on her face.
"You okay? He asked.
"Well no, not really…"She said. "I have good news and bad news."
"Oh great. A lot of horror movies have that phrase somewhere in them." Piccolo muttered.
"Yeah....but so do a lot of great jokes." Zarbon said, stifling laughter.
"I'm serious!" Pixie snapped.
"Jeez, it must be really bad news." Spara said rather unenthusiastically.
Pixie sighed. "The GOOD news is that the transfer is not permanent. The bad news is, it WILL be."
"What do you mean it will be?!" Piccolo shouted.
"Just listen to what it says:
"Unto the fools who invoke this curse,
Fear not for the spell can be reversed.
But first a warning to one and all,
For should upon thine eyes the light of a full moon fall,
Not only shall your bodies be forever lost,
But your very existence it will cost."
An eerie silence settled onto the room as the meaning of the last line fully sunk in.
"Well that's just peachy friggin keen." Piccolo said, breaking the tension. "Not only am I stuck in a living nightmare but now I find out that I just might not be able to wake up from it!? Great. That's just really friggin great."
"Cheer up Piccolo. It just means that we have until the next full moon to complete the reversal spell right Pixie?" Zarbon asked.
"Well yeah, but there is another problem. Not only was this spell a body switch, it was soul switch. In essence a COMPLETE switch. Body, mind, and soul. A spell that messes with souls is sticky business. Even the most skilled of Pixies has trouble fathoming the complications that could arise from such a transfer. Hell, I can't even do it!"
"Heh heh heh......I guess that means I'm a better pixie than you are." Zarbon said, grinning.
"No Zarbon sweetie its called dumb luck." Spara said.
"Extremely dumb! Zarbon didn't you read all the warnings about this spell!? Did it even occur to you that maybe, just maybe, you shouldn't have messed around with a spell this dangerous!?!" Pixie shouted.
"Well yeah. I'm not completely dumb! I knew it was dangerous! That's why I wasn't planning on using it on myself."
"So its okay to experiment on your friends!?" Piccolo shouted.
"W-we're friends Piccolo?" Zarbon asked, somewhat taken aback. "THAT'S SO SWEET!" he shouted as he grabbed Piccolo up into a bear hug.
"Ah! You're crushing my spine!" Piccolo gasped.
"Hee hee, sorry Piccolo." Zarbon said as he let him go.
Piccolo collapsed onto the couch, gasping for air. "*wheeze*Damn*gasp* you! I think you bent one of my wings!"
"He better not have! It took me hours to get them straight after the last time Piccolo bent them!"
Spara yawned. "That's all well and good, but seriously I don't feel well. I'm kind dizzy and really need to get some sleep."
"Well you do look a few shades of blue lighter than you ought to." Zarbon remarked.
"Oh yeah, there are some possible side effects to the transfer, dizziness and fatigue being some of them." Pixie said.
"Yeah, don't worry about it Spara-chan. You just go to bed. I'll get these two set up for the night and we can finish the matter of a reversal spell tomorrow." Zarbon said.
Spara just nodded and turned and walked straight into the wall. "Damnit!" She said as she held her nose and stumbled into her room.
"You know I'm starting to feel a bit woozy too." Piccolo said as he sat on the couch.
"Yeah, look I'm sorry about this you guys," Zarbon began. "I really didn't intend for it to get out of hand like it did. I'll go get some blankets and pillows for you two. You guys can fight over who gets the couch. Frankly I don't care." He left to retrieve the blankets and Pillows. Pixie and Piccolo eyed each other.
"Well since I'm already on the couch I might as well stay here. You can have the recliner Pix." Piccolo said as he stretched out on the couch.
"Like hell Piccolo! You just get your little Pixie ass up off of that couch! I'm bigger and need more room to sleep."
"Feh. If it bothers you so much why don't you just levitate because my Pixie ass, as you so charmingly put it, is staying right where it is." he replied.
"Levitate!? I can't levitate!"
"Sure you can. Just concentrate your ki and push off of the ground. It's easy. A child could do it." He yawned and turned over.
"Levitate. I can't levitate! If I could levitate then why would I have wings?!"
The only answer she received from Piccolo were snores.
Pixie sighed. "That is just like him." She thought to herself.
Zarbon walked back in with an armload of pillows and blankets and dumped them into a chair.
"There ya go." He said. "I'm beginning to not feel so hot myself so I'm going to bed too."
"Hey Zarbon wait. Will you show me how to levitate?"
"Levitate? Why?" He asked.
"So I can sleep. Piccolo is hogging the couch and I need something bigger than the recliner."
"You wanna levitate in your sleep? I can't even do that! I did try it once though but I made the mistake of trying it about 500 feet up in the air. I woke up in a crater." Zarbon said. "That was not a fun day."
"I'm sure. Now I don't really want to try it."
"Suit yourself. I'm going to bed." Zarbon said as he turned to leave. "Oh, and before I forget, don't go into the kitchen. You WILL regret it."
"Gee thanks for the warning." She said as he left. "Well now what am I going to do?" She heard Piccolo muttering something in his sleep and turned just in time to see him roll off the couch. He hit the carpet with a dull thud and started muttering something about Chibi Quatre being in league with the Easter Bunny. Pixie snickered and Piccolo curled up and went back to sleep.
"I guess that solves that problem." She picked up a pillow and blanket from the pile in the chair and stepped over the unconscious Piccolo. She stretched out on the couch but couldn't get to sleep despite the fact that she too was experiencing the tedious side effects of the spell. "Zarbon you moron, you've gotten us into more trouble than you know." She thought to herself as she stared up at the dark ceiling. "If you only knew how hard its gonna be to fix this mess you would have never have been so stupid as to attempt such a dangerous spell. But then again stupidity is why you did it, isn't it? Ah well, you wouldn't be Zarbon if you didn't do these kinds of things. Unfortunately you won't be yourself much longer. None of us will..."
And with that final thought, blessed sleep finally overtook her brooding mind.