And Kami Said, "Let There Be Stupidity."
Chapter 3
By: SparaSpara stumbled to her room, leaving the others behind to decide what to do. Something was wrong and it was more than the mere fact that she now inhabited the body of a mad man.
"I will kill him this time. I swear I really will." She muttered. "And it won't even be considered a sin. He's a danger to all of humanity. That's it. A danger to humanity..." She grinned a rather psychotic grin and suddenly the world did an ungraceful flip-flop and she was forced to stop and close her eyes. She groaned. "I so had plans this week. But nooo! Now I have to sit at home trying all of the horrid little concoctions that Pix and Zarbon come up with in an effort to fix this debacle. "
After a minute, her head cleared enough to continue to her room. She opened the door and stumbled in. At this moment her head again decided to let her know how cranky it was by feeling like it was trying to escape via her forehead. "Not cool, not cool, not cool, not cool…" She chanted while waiting for the pain to subside. Finally it did and she quickly walked the remaining few feet to the bed and just collapsed onto it. She curled up into a little ball and was thankful for her recent purchase of a full sized bed since her current body was much larger than her own. Since moving seemed to be what triggered her headaches, she lay completely still. She slowly dozed off like that dreaming of ways she could kill the hapless Zarbon if all should ever be restored to its natural order.
Not too long after she had dozed off she heard her door slowly creak open. She didn't open her eyes. Silently the intruder padded across the floor towards where she lay on her side. "Damnit," she thought. "This is so not the time…" She pretended to still be asleep in hopes the intruder would leave. She felt a hand caress her leg. No such luck.
"I'm going to give you the count of three to leave or so help me I will maul you." She said, without opening her eyes.
Her intruder laughed.
Christ. It was Zarbon. Spara still didn't move for fear of prompting another headache.
"Come one baby," Zarbon cooed. "You're a man, I'm a woman. Lets not resist our animal urges."
Spara sighed and sat up. "One." She said, glaring at Zarbon. She pulled back her fist, ready to strike.
"Tut, tut, tut, Spara-kins. You wouldn't want to hurt your own little self would you? I mean I would hate to return damaged goods to you." He smiled slyly. He though he had her.
"Two." She aimed her fist at her own face.
Zarbon's eyes grew wide. "You wouldn't dare!"
Spara's eyes slitted. "Oh wouldn't I. It would be such a shame to break this perfect little nose of yours.
"But it'll hurt you. You wouldn't hurt yourself would you?" His eyes were wide with fear.
"I can take it. Th—"She began.
Zarbon gasped. "No! Nonono! Not my nose! I love my nose! Just the way it is! Don't break it!"
Spara sighed. "Look jackass, just leave me alone, okay? You have caused more than enough trouble for the day. I have a headache that would stop a charging rhino in its tracks."
"A headache, eh? I can fix that." He smiled.
"Eh…no thanks. I think I'll suffer through." Spara said.
"Oh don't be silly!" In one lightening fast move he had Spara flipped and on her stomach.
"Gah! What the hell!?" Spara sputtered as Zarbon pressed her face into a pillow.
"Jeeze, just relax. I know some pressure points on the back that will get rid of the headache. I get them all the time." He swept aside her braid and began pressing specific area's on her neck and slowly moving down her spinal chord. "You know, you really ought to undo your hair before going to bed. If you don't it'll be all crinkly in the morning and harder to re-braid."
Muffled from where her face was stuck in a pillow. "Gee thanks for the advice."
"But then again I suppose you don't know that much about hair care," He continued, "Since your hair is too matted to do anything with." He gave her back one final poke and allowed Spara to sit up.
"Hey….that's a lot better. " Spara said. "Is that why you are always punching yourself in the back?"
"Yeah. Shiatsu treatments. I checked out a book in the library." Zarbon said, grinning.
"Ah….that explains a lot. I thought you were just having a seizure or something. Hmm.. You learn something new everyday I suppose. Now get out."
"And thus the thanks I get." Zarbon sighed dramatically.
"Don't make me kick you."
"Fine, I'll go. But just remember, I could have had my way with you if I wanted to." He pouted. "I just consider us better friends than lovers." He turned and left, his tail swishing in an enticing way.
Spara groaned. "I must remember to lock the door. That perv is so obsessed with himself." She knew that this was not going to be the last of his midnight visitations. There was a study done by psychology professors that proved that the person most attractive to a subject is one who looks similar to if not identical to the subject themselves. Now that mating with himself was literally an option he would be driven to try. She had a long, long week ahead.
She walked back to the bed and sprawled across it. True her headache was gone but now there was a dull gnawing in the pit of her stomach. Something was coming. She yawned.
"Only time will tell." She rolled over and closed her eyes.
After a moment she sat up, unbraided her hair and began brushing it out.
"Curse him, he's right. It would be easier to re-braid if it's not all kinky…"
***
Back on Tenkai…
"Eeexcellent…" Kami said Mr. Burns-like, rubbing his hands together gleefully. "Everything is coming together just as I planned….."
Mr. Popo scoffed. "Plan? What plan? You've just been up here giggling and taking credit for Zarbon's stupidity."
Kamisama slowly turned, ancient bones creaking and snapping and glared daggers at Popo. "YOU DARE TO QUESTION MY UTMOST AUTHORITY!!??"
"Every day I'm forced to breath." Mr. Popo stated flatly.
"Eh… okay then. And don't you forget it." Kami turned back to face the Earth. Ah, there was life stirring on ground zero. Time now to see what the new day would bring. Kami giggled gleefully once more and Mr. Popo rolled his eyes.
"Of all the mortals on earth," Popo muttered, "Why did the fates deem this one appropriate for the mantle of Guardian." He watched as Kami stared hungrily at the surface of the Earth. It was true that previous Kami's had gotten bored at points but they had all become alcoholics. This one had become a psychotic megalomaniac whose only barrier between himself and ruling the Earth was the fact that there was a cosmic rule of noninterference. A rule, Popo had to remind himself, that Kami tested with each and every action. This latest debacle was stretching the limits of even EnmaDaiou's patience. The spell that Zarbon had invoked was almost forbidden save for the fact that there was no one stupid enough to invoke it. Until Kami implanted the idea of mischief into Zarbon's mind.
Popo sighed. Only time would tell on this one.
Back at the house…
A harsh evil light accosted Pixies eyes. She hissed like a vampire. "No…not the sun. I hate the sun. Sun means morning." She opened her eyes and was momentarily blinded. He green taloned hand reached up and rubbed her eyes. Wait… green taloned hand?
"What the-!?" She sputtered. "Oh, right…Zarbon's an idiot." She rubbed her eyes again and stretched. She glanced at the floor where Piccolo in her frail little pixie body lay, curled up in the fetal position sucking on his thumb.
"Aww! How cute!" She snatched up her camera and prepared to take a picture to forever immortalize this incredibly funny moment when she realized that it would actually be more damaging to herself.
"Curse you Namek. You have the devil's luck." She muttered to herself.
"Perhaps that is because I AM the devil." Piccolo grumbled from the floor.
Pixie jumped in surprise. "Oh! Piccy you're awake!"
"Hell yeah I'm awake." Piccolo grumbled as he sat up and brushed the long red hair out of his face. "With all the noise you were making who could sleep."
"Mou, but Piccy I wasn't making any noise." She pouted.
Piccolo regarded his annoying stalker with disdain. "Look you little freak of a fey, if you are going to be me for awhile then you need to get your act together. No pouting! You make me look weak!" He stood up to his entire 5 foot 2 inches, arms crossed and his typical glower plastered onto Pixies cute little round face. One of his little insect-like antenna was a bit kinked from sleeping on it and it bobbed at an odd angle.
"Awww!" Pixie squealed. "You are soooooo cute! Damnit I wish I knew how you were able to beat me up so much! You must really be a cold heartless bastard."
Piccolo rolled his eyes. "I most certainly am not a cold heartless bastard. I simply have personal space issues that you don't want to acknowledge. "
"Eh, if you say so Piccy." Pixie stood up and tried to run her hands through her hair and failed miserably since her head was stark shiny bald. "This is gonna take some getting used to."
"No no no no. No getting used to." Piccolo sputtered hysterically. "No, you're going to fix us all today or so help me I'm going to kill myself."
"No you won't." Pixie stated. "Because if you do that then I'll be dead, and uh…I'll be you and Spara will be a madman and Zarbon will be a girl and he'll enjoy that entirely too much."
Piccolo's eyes grew wide. "Ye gods, you're right! We can't let him be the only one who comes out on top in this whole thing!" He shouted.
"Exactly!" Pixie said. "He'll parade around in Spara's body, taking it to nightclubs and bars letting greasy men touch it just so he can get a free drink out of them! And then he'll go and buy tube tops! Yeah lots of gaudy tube tops! The one item of clothing that he as a male cannot legitimately wear!"
"Oh god! Not tube tops! That whore!"
"Yeah. Tube tops." She nodded emphatically antenna bobbling.
At that moment Zarbon, clad in Spara's body entered the room.
"Eh? What is all this I hear about tube tops?" Zarbon asked. He was clothed in a purple halter-top and blue jeans with a smattering of sequins on them.
"Wow." Pixie began. "That outfit is quite sedate for you."
"Oh? You like it?" He spun around and his blond spiky hair flew around his head in a halo of gold. "Yeah, I decided that since I'm wearing a borrowed body I'd need to take care of it, you know. Wear what she would wear."
"She threatened you with bodily harm, didn't she?" Piccolo said.
"Yup, yup, yup. You know I always thought that I was a morning person but she sure proved me wrong."
"Where is she right now?" Piccolo asked.
"Oh, she's still in bed. I tried to get her up but she growled at me and then threatened to eat my face if I didn't leave her alone. See? Defiantly not a morning person." Zarbon said.
Piccolo chuckled. "Ah, you can take the girl out of the Saiyajin but you can't take the Saiyajin out of the girl."
"Indeed." Zarbon said. "So, who's up for food?" He asked cheerily.
"I'm starving!" Piccolo shouted. The others turned stare at his sudden outburst.
"Eh, that was weird. But I am. Like really, really hungry. I mean that is what this gnawing burning sensation is in my stomach, right? Hunger?" He looked at Pixie and Zarbon.
They exchanged a glance.
"Erm, yeah Piccy. That's what hunger is." Pixie said. "Y'know now that you mention it I'm kinda hungry too."
Piccolo scoffed. "I highly doubt that."
"Oh, and why not?" Pixie asked indignantly.
"Because my ignorant pseudo-namek, you can't eat. You drink. Water. That's it." Piccolo grinned.
"W-what?" Pixie asked astonished. "How could I not know that?!"
"Well, if you would have paid more attention to me as a person and not just waiting for me to do something embarrassing so you could exploit it for your own personal gain you would have known that. I mean why do you think I hang out by a waterfall all the time? Eh?"
Pixie shrugged. "I dunno. I guess I just thought that you hung out there so you wouldn't have far to go when you had to pee."
"Huh…that's an interesting idea…" Piccolo murmured to himself, "Then I wouldn't have to keep going to get the key for the bathroom from that oily gas station attendant…"
"You have got to be kidding me! You fly to a gas station to use the bathroom?" Pixie asked in shock.
"Well yea-hey! Shut up! You can't eat! So, HAH!!" Piccolo smiled smugly.
"Oh God, you're right. I can't eat…just water for the rest of my life…" Her eyes were wide.
"Yess… nothing but water." He grinned, relishing in her imminent disappointment.
"YESS! JUST WATER!!" She shouted, pumping her fist in the air.
"What the-you can't possibly tell me that you are happy about that!?" Piccolo asked in astonishment.
"Hell yeah I'm happy about that! No more of Zarbon's horrendous cooking!!" She giggled and clapped her hands.
"Christ. What did I tell you about getting your act together, huh? No more giggling unless you do it maliciously."
"Hey my cooking isn't that bad." Zarbon stated indignantly.
"Well no, not at first." Pixie said. "At first it was at least made out of things that were edible. Recently though, I think you just stopped even trying. I mean you started cooking out of the Pixie Spell book for chrissakes."
"Yeah, you have a point." He scratched his head. "I dunno why I had the sudden urge to cook out of that thing. I mean it wasn't even a special occasion. Last year at thanksgiving I accidentally re-animated the turkey and let me tell you," he chuckled, "it was one pissed off fowl when it woke up with my hand up its ass." He grinned and leaned against the doorframe, tail swishing slightly and a distant expression on his face as he reminisced.
Piccolo leaned over to Pixie. "Eh, it is quite frightening the things that make him happy."
Pixie nodded. "What's even more frightening is the fact that Spara is being tainted as we speak.
"Hell, if you don't hurry and get this fixed then we're going to have two of them on our hands." Piccolo said frantically.
"And how. She's already got her own flavor of crazy. Compounded with his, she'll be a psychopath." Pixie said, fear edging her voice.
"What?" Piccolo asked, turning to face her. "I thought that Spara was pretty stable. I mean she was chosen as Zabon's guardian."
Pixie snickered. "She was chosen for two reasons. First of all, they knew each other before he died and secondly she's skewed just enough so as to not be driven insane by his antics."
"Jeez, you're right." Piccolo said. "If she hasn't been driven insane from living with him for 4 years now then she can't be all there."
Pixie nodded emphatically. "And how."
Zarbon began to stir. "Ah…good times, good times." He murmured. He shook his head. "Oh, yeah, we were talking about food, weren't we? I'm so hungry I think I could eat an elephant."
"I'll bet." Piccolo muttered.
"Oh!" Zarbon jumped. "I CAN eat an elephant! I'm a Saiyajin! I can eat whatever the hell I want! There is a god!"
"Uh, yeah there's a god." Pixie said. "You've met him, you know the guy that looks like a moldy old peanut? Goes by the name of Kami? The bane of my existence?"
Zarbon just blinked at her.
Pixie sighed. "You know that guy in the muumuu that lives on the giant salad bowl floating around the sky?"
"Oh yeah! Him! You know, somebody really needs to tell him that muumuus are for old ladies who play bingo and have poodles." Zarbon said, shaking his head. "God, I hate poodles…"
"Note to self," Piccolo muttered, "Get poodles. Lots of poodles."
"Hardy har har. " Zarbon said. "Food. Yes, I'll go whip something up in the kitchen." He turned to leave.
"NO!!" Pixie and Piccolo screamed simultaneously, eyes wide with horror at the prospect of another of Zarbon's surprises.
"Whaaaat?" Zarbon rolled his eyes. "I mean its not like I'd use the spell book three meals in a row."
Pixie narrowed her eyes. "Two. You mean two meals in a row."
"Hell no! I mean I wouldn't use it three meals in a row. I'd definitely use it in two. No question." Zarbon crossed his arms and nodded emphatically.
The others sweat dropped.
"I think I'd rather go to the IHOP down the street." Pixie said. "Besides we need to leave the kitchen alone. You know, preserving the scene of the crime."
"Okay!" Zarbon said cheerily. "I didn't want to do any cleaning anyway. Ah, but what about Spara? We really shouldn't leave her here all alone."
"Well then why don't you go get her up?" Piccolo asked.
"I tried that already, remember? She threatened to eat my face…" Zarbon said.
"Oh, right…" Piccolo said. He turned and fwacked Pixie on the back of the head.
"Hey! What did I do?" Pixie said, rubbing her head.
"That's for having a silly ditzy body that can't remember more than 4 minutes worth of information at a time."
Pixie started giggling.
"What the hell is so damn funny?" Piccolo growled.
"When you hit me, it didn't hurt at-Ooh! Sparkly bug!" She shouted, eyes wide as she rushed across the room to examine a beetle that was walking up the wall.
"Whelp," Zarbon clapped Piccolo on the back, "At least we know that its not her body that's ditzy."
"Yay…" Piccolo grumbled.
"Okay, well you tear Pixie away from her new bug friend and I'll go get Spara up for breakfast, okay?" Zarbon said, as he turned towards the hallway that led to the bedrooms.
"Yeah, whatever…" Piccolo said as he wandered over towards where Pixie was cooing over the poor confused little insect.
***
Zarbon's knock on Spara's door was answered with silence. He sighed. Usually he had no scruples about entering her room while she slept. But after seeing her last night…he actually felt bad about what he had done. It was one thing to steal an extra slice of pizza, but he had stolen her body. It HAD been an accident. Nevertheless it had occurred and he might as well enjoy it while it lasted. He grinned evilly as he thought about the fact that she'd have to let him shower eventually. And when he did…oh who was he kidding? He had felt himself up all last night. He just hadn't done it wet yet.
He turned the knob and the door made a low creak as it swung open. He peered inside and saw Spara sprawled across the bed, wrapped in her bed sheets.
Zarbon's breath caught in his throat.
Her emerald hair had cascaded across her pillow and trickled down her broad blue shoulders. Her delicate eyelashes fluttered beneath perfectly arched eyebrows that were set in an expression of mild amusement at wherever she was dreaming.
"Damn I'm one sexy bitch." Zarbon said, shaking his head. "Ah, but now to the task at hand." He walked over to her bed and stood over her, contemplating how best to go about rousing her without incurring her inevitable wraith.
He settled on poking her with her hairbrush.
"Oi..*pokepoke* You need to get up so we can go to the IHOP and make fun of all the fat guys guzzling the Boyzenberry syrup. *pokepoke*
She mumbled something that was seemingly incoherent.
Zarbon leaned closer. "Eh? What was that?"
"I said," She repeated, "that that had better be my hair brush you are poking me with or else you're going to be eating through a tube for awhile."
Zarbon grinned. "The particular bodily appendage that you are insinuating that I am utilizing at the moment is currently out of my possession."
"What the hell are you talking about?" She cracked an eye open. "What the--?! Oh…riiiight. You're an idiot." She groaned and covered her head with a pillow.
"No, no, no. No more sleeping for you." He snatched the pillow away from her face. "Its time for all good metamorphs to get out of bed and go eat omelets with our chronically dysfunctional friends."
"Fine. I will get up on one condition." Her eyes narrowed. "I get to beat you senseless when this is all over."
He nodded, his golden spikes bobbing cutely and smiled. "I love being senseless. You know that."
She rolled her eyes. "We all like what we are familiar with." She sat up and stretched, arching her back and letting her spine pop back into place after prolonged sleep. "God that felt good."
"Yup, it always does. But don't stress yourself out." He shook his finger at her. "Or else I'll have you on your stomach so fast it'll make your head spin."
A strange smile spread across her face. "Why my dear Zarbon, a girl could take that to mean something very, very naughty."
He chuckled. "Perhaps it was meant to." Their eyes locked and for a moment neither spoke, opting instead to gaze into each other's eyes.
Spara suddenly twitched. "Oh god! Was I flirting with you!?"
"Hell yeah you were!" Zarbon grinned.
"Oh…oh god, no! What have you done to me?!" She wailed.
He patted her on the back. "Don't worry about it. It's the hormones."
She looked up at him, hope glistening in her eyes. "Really?"
"Yup. I'm one horny sumbitch! Or at least you are, now. And really, I can't blame you since I am one sexy Saiyajin, aren't I?" He winked at her.
"Zarbon…I hate you so much."
"There is a fine line between love and hate my delicious friend." He offered her a hand.
After a moment she smiled weakly and took the offered appendage. She stood and walked to the door.
"I need a shower." She stated.
"Oh ho! You just want to see me naked!" He chortled gleefully.
She turned back to him. "Please. I have lived with you for, what? 4 years now? I've lost count of how many times I have seen you naked. Like all the times you have 'accidentally' left the door to the bathroom open when you were showering? Or when you decided to take up naked cooking? Oh, and lets not forget the time when you came home so drunk you decided you couldn't make it to your own room so you passed out on my floor, stark naked."
"Hey! That was legitimate nakedness, all! The exhaust fan was broken in the bathroom, the apron was dirty, and I sleep naked because I paid an arm and a leg for those satin sheets and I want to get my money's worth!" He said, crossing his arms indignantly.
"You were piss drunk and sleeping on a pile of comic books and shoes."
"Which, when you are as drunk as I was, feels surprisingly a lot like satin sheets."
Her lips quirked slightly. "You are so full of shit." She went through the door and headed down the hallway towards the bathroom.
He grinned again. "Good to know that you're not mad at me any more."
Her chuckle drifted down the hall to meet his ears. "Oh, I'm still pissed at you." She said, entering the bathroom. "I've just had time to think about it, and vengeance will taste much better than murder." And with that, she shut and locked the bathroom door behind her.
He rolled his eyes. "What, like I'd want to sneak a peek?"
"Yeah you would." She uttered from behind the door.
"Yeah, you're probably right." He sighed. "I am a sexy bitch."