And Kami Said, "Let There Be Stupidity."
Chapter 4
"The One That's Kinda Like "Seinfeld""
By: Spara
((Note to readers: Thanks for letting me know that this story is still being read. ))
Later, at the IHOP….
An odd assortment of colorful characters filed into the local IHOP. Delores sighed. Why, oh why did all the freaks come into the restaurant on her shift? And what a bunch of freaks it was. There was this tall, green bug looking guy, another guy with long green hair braided down to his ass. That one would have been cute if he hadn't been blue. But it looked like they were there with their girlfriends. The first girl had long red hair and what looked like bug antenna poking out of the top of her head. She also looked really pissed off, eyeing the green guy with annoyance. Yay. Disgruntled customers were always fun in the morning. The last girl looked almost normal until a bit of motion caught Delores' attention. A tail. She had a tail. A long furry brown twitchy fluffy monkey tail. And she was laughing. Delores muttered to herself something along the lines of it was too damn early in the morning to be that happy.
She sidled up to the table, eyeing the customers warily and began passing out menus.
"Y'all in town for one of them Sci-Fi conventions?" She asked, as she pulled out her order pad.
Every member at the table exchanged a glance.
"Erm…" The blue guy started.
"Nope." The chick with the tail spoke up. "This is us in all of our natural glory." She beamed at Delores.
"Fantastic." Delores said as years of on the job training kicked in. Her practiced fake smile spread across her face with ease. The same smile that she wore when dealing with the occasional unruly drunk that wasn't all that uncommon working in a 24-hour establishment.
These people were worse than drunks though.
They were psychos.
"What can I getchya'll to drink?" She asked, syrup dripping from her voice.
"Oh, I'll have a glass of milk, orange juice, a diet coke and a water." The blond girl said, smiling cattily.
Delores eyed her. This one was going to be trouble. In Delores' many, many years of experience whenever someone orders drinks for the whole table they are one of two things: A mom, or a control freak. And after eyeballing the giggly girl who couldn't have been more than 20, she was betting that she wasn't a mom just yet. Not enough lines around the eyes. She wrote down the order and turned to leave.
"Hey! Where do you think you are going?" The big green one shouted. "You didn't take my order yet. And I am frikkin' thirsty."
Delores turned back to the table, one eyebrow raised. "I'm sorry. I have four drink orders and there are four of you. I just assumed-"
The blond one interrupted with one hand raised. "Ah! You know that they say about assuming, darlin'." She left the cliché hanging in the air.
Delores grimaced.
"C'mon….say it. SAY IT!" The blonde shouted.
Delores' nostrils flared in aggravation and through gritted teeth she recited, "When you assume you make an ass of you and me."
"Bingo!" The blonde shouted happily. Her companions groaned.
"Jesus, Zarbon. Leave the poor woman alone." The red-head said.
"Zarbon? What the hell kinda name is that?" Delores wondered to herself. "Maybe her parents were hippies…that would explain a lot…she must be on drugs." She took a deep breath and turned to the red head that had spoken up in her defense. "So what can I get you ma'am?"
The red-head just stared at her blankly. The green guy cleared his throat. The red-head just glared at him.
Delores decided to try again. "Ma'am? Your order?"
Again, a blank stare. This time the green guy jabbed the red-head in the side.
"What?! What the hell do you want?!" The redhead shouted. The green guy just looked at her, lips pursed, eyes wide.
"Oh. OH! I'm the ma'am. Oh, okay." She said. "Stupid human culture and their words…" She muttered and turned to Delores. "I have no idea what I want."
Delores had to dig her nail into her thumb to keep herself from screaming at her. Instead she said, "Fine. I'll just bring you a coffee."
"That'll do." The red-head responded curtly.
"And I want water. Like two glasses." The big green one popped up, his gruff voice having a strange bouncy chime to it that Delores had never heard come from a man so large.
"Alrighty then." She responded, jotting down the order.
"No wait! I want a pitcher of water! Yeah, that's it! Bring me a pitcher of water!"
"Okay…" She muttered. She turned her attention to the last member of the odd menagerie, the blue man with the green braid. "And you sir?"
He looked up at her as though startled by what she had said, blinking his golden amber eyes. "Um…I guess a Sprite would be fine." He said.
"Aww, c'mon! Live a little baby!" The loud blond one piped up, slapping the blue man on the back. The blue man shot the blond a withering glare and the blonde's smile faltered.
"Fine, whatever. What do I know?" She said, though not to have her mood hindered by the moody blue man, she turned her attention to the red head and began teasing her mercilessly about something to which Delores wasn't privy.
Delores glanced around the table whose occupants seemed to have forgotten she existed and so she turned on the heel of her sensible twelve-dollar sneakers and left the madness in her carpet dust.
"I'll be damned if I don't get to put in for hazard pay with that bunch." She muttered to herself as she pulled down the glasses for their drink orders.
"Jeeze Zarbon, could you have been more rude to that poor woman? She's gonna spit in all of our food now, I just know it." Pixie said.
"I don't know what you are griping about," Piccolo grumbled, "You're not the one that's gonna be eating anything. And a little side note, premonitions are not part of my cache of nifty little abilities."
There was an awkward silence at the table as most of its occupants stared at the red head and the strange words that had just exited her lips. Her eyes grew wide and she covered her mouth, head turning slowly to glare at her Namekian counterpart.
"How dare you…" She hissed.
"What the hell did I do?!" Pixie asked fretfully.
"You made me say 'Nifty'! I have never in my entire EXISTANCE said 'NIFTY'!!!" She screamed. "How dare you have such an asinine word in this idiotic body's limited vocabulary!?"
Pixie frowned, his thick brow ridges knitted together in stern consternation.
After a few moments Zarbon waved her hand in front of Pixie's eyes. "Earth to Namek, anyone home? Hey! Wake up!"
Pixie looked up with a blink and turned to Piccolo. "I have such words in my vocabulary because I am a teenaged girl and I can only conclude that words such as 'nifty' are in my terminology in order to substitute for a more eloquent description of any given situation."
For the second time in so many minutes the table was held under the sway of a very awkward silence.
"Furthermore," Pixie started, sitting up straighter, dwarfing the two females sitting at the booth with him, "The substitution of slang terminology used by youth today seems to be increasing in its usage and inanity and I believe that to be related to the failings of the public schooling system, specifically in the literature and English departments. However there is also a failing in the motivation for students to learn proper grammar due to the increasing use of slang and faux-words in music today in addition to the fact that frankly, no one seems to give a rat's ass."
"…Well alrighty then…as long as you…remember that…" Piccolo said, more than a bit perplexed.
Spara cocked her head and stared at Pixie. "…Que?
"Yeah, when the hell did you get so insightful?" Zarbon asked.
Pixie shrugged. "It just seemed that that was the answer."
Piccolo sighed. "Yeah, that's pretty much my stance on the situation. Damn kids and their Snoop Kitty Cat and their Just-in-timey-Lakes…"
"Um…that's Snoop Doggy Dog and Justin Timberlake, darlin'." Zarbon corrected.
Piccolo snorted, though coming from Pixie's cute little fey-ish features it was not nearly so gruff and stand offish as it once would have been. In point of fact, Piccolo's snort was now quite musical and sweet. Like a child all rosy cheeked and sparkling eyes being petulant about being called into dinner before the game of tag was over.
Zarbon's eyes sparkled. "You are SO cute you widdle fuzzy widdle pixie thinger mabob!!!" She squealed as she tried to leap across the table to hug Piccolo.
Spara snatched Zarbon's shoulder and held her in her chair. "Jesus, what is wrong with you? Get a hold of yourself!"
Spara and Zarbon's bodies were pretty evenly matched in strength but Spara now had the bigger body and sheer size was what enabled him to keep Zarbon in her seat.
Zarbon turned and glared at Spara. "What wrong with me? Its your bloody estrogen that's what's wrong with me! I just suddenly had the urge to hug the cute little bug thingy, that's all. Look, I'm not really used to dealing in the chemicals that make a man all cutesy, you know?"
"You know…" Piccolo began, "I have the sudden and insatiable urge to go to a photography shop and pick up some photos…"
Pixie slapped himself in the head and exclaimed, "Oh that's right! The photos for the meeting!! I totally spaced on them!" Pixie turned to Piccolo and bit his lip. "Piccy, I have to ask you a HUGE favor…"
"I think the fact that you are still alive is doing you a huge favor, but go ahead and ask me anyway. I'm feeling generous today."
Pixie grinned nervously. "Uhmm…I have this meeting today and I need you…to be me…and its kinda important…my life as a pixie depends on it. And, uh…have I mentioned lately that I totally respect you and think that you are the greatest person on the face of this planet lately?"
Piccolo cocked an eyebrow. "Eh? No, not lately. Come to think of it," Piccolo said, rubbing her chin, "The last person to tell me that was Gohan…Waitaminnut! Why are you sweet talking me?! I'm not doing a damn thing for you! I know what you little conniving fey do at those meeting of yours! Oh, you think I am so naïve but I know all about the pictures and video tapes and the like and you can just forget it! I am not going to a Piccolo fan club meeting! There is something a little too narcissistic in that for me. Shit, it sounds like something Zarbon would do! You can forget it!! There is no friggin' way."
"Pweese Piccawo?" Pixie asked, eyes sparkling with the beginnings of tears. "If you don't go I'll get kicked out as the vice president and that skeezy Loralai will take my spot! I'll have to re-apply and then work my way back up the ranks! And I'm tired of all the killing-er, I mean politics…I totally meant politics…"
"I thought you would be the president of that thing by now." Spara said; hand still firmly in place upon Zarbon's shoulder.
Pixie pouted, which was another cute new expression on the Namek's face. "Well I should be but Gohan is harder to kil-I mean, he has seniority over us all because of all the one-on-one training he's had from Piccolo. I'm next in line just because…." She paused and suddenly her eyes lit up. "You know what? I am totally president of that club now!" She exclaimed.
"How do you figure?" Spara asked.
"Just look at me!! I AM THE NAMEK!!!" She shouted, much to the chagrin of all the nearby tables as an overly excited Namek can bellow quite loudly.
Pixie observed all the dirty looks she was getting and said sheepishly to the restaurant, "Sorry everyone. I just got a little over excited. I just realized that I am the President of my own fanclub."
An elderly man at an adjacent table was heard to mutter to his wife, "See Agnes? I told you the IHOP wasn't a respectable restaurant anymore. They let in all the crazies." To which his wife replied, "I know they do Abner, that's why we're here. Now put your pants back on and drink your toast."
"They are making a scene!" Delores exclaimed in a hushed voice to her manager. The kitchen didn't offer much privacy so she had to keep her voice down. She wasn't sure but she had a sinking suspicion that the big green one's ears looked like they might have been capable of hearing her from so far away.
"Look, Delores, I know that you have had a hard night, 3 rowdy drunks and a 14 college kid all-nighter is tough on all of us. But our branch isn't doing so good on the cash flow. Frankly, I don't know why we haven't been shut down yet. But I recognize that blonde one at the table. She'll pack away the pancakes like you wouldn't believe and I've seen, with my own eyes her eat $400 worth of sausage and bacon. Sometimes she comes in with another group of dark haired people and the whole table will pack away a whole night's take in one sitting. We need their money and if you chase them off then I'm afraid I'll have to let you go. I don't want to do that you understand seeing as how we're shorthanded as it is, but you would leave me with no choice."
Delores scowled. "But…but she's got a tail!"
"Now Delores, you know we do not discriminate here. Not only is it against the law but it is in poor taste."
"No more poorer taste than the damn tropical shirts we all had to wear for that stupid vacation pancake promotion." Delores muttered under her breath.
The manager glared at her. "What was that Delores?"
"Er, nothing sir…nothing at all." Delores mumbled.
"That's what I thought. Now bring those drinks over to that table. You've kept them waiting long enough." He smiled. "You don't want to lose your tip do you?"
"No sir." Delores mumbled as she picked up the precariously overloaded tray of drinks. As she headed back over to the table with the freaks she muttered, "They are probably the kinda people who tip in gum."
"Man I'm thirsty!" Pixie exclaimed as the cold pitcher of ice water was set down in front of him. Delores had just set the last of Zarbon's drinks down when Pixie hefted the pitcher to her mouth and drained the entire thing in 3 gulps, ice and all.
"Ah! That was delicious! Could I have a little more please?" Pixie asked wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
Eyes wide, Delores only nodded and headed back to the kitchen for another pitcher.
"Yo, could you try to draw a little more attention to us, please?" Spara asked, shifting uncomfortably under the heavy stares of the occupants from the adjacent tables.
"Hey, your cover is blown by the bright blue skin you are sporting." Said Piccolo. She took a sip of her coffee and made a face. "Ugh…what is this crap? It smells great but tastes horrible!" She sat the cup down and eyeballed it like it had bitten her.
Zarbon picked up a packet of sugar and dumped it into the cup as well as a container of creamer. "Stir that up and try it again."
"This from the man whose magic cooking has me wearing the dainty weak skin of a pixie." Picciolo said.
Zarbon cocked his head and smiled. "Look, both of those things I just put into the cup came from this table. They are fine. What do I have to gain from you being poisoned at this stage of the game?"
"Seriously, Piccy. The sugar and cream are okay. It's the only way I can stand to drink coffee, too." Spara said.
Piccolo gave a curt nod that sent her antennae bobbling and picked up a spoon.
Pixie was anxiously glancing around the restaurant looking for the waitress.
"Thirsty again?" Piccolo asked, bringing the coffee cup to her lips.
Pixie nodded. "Yeah, I don't know what has gotten into me. I'm usually never this thirsty."
Piccolo sipped her coffee and smiled. "Ah…much better. " She took another sip and savored the new taste of the drink. She emptied the cup and set it down on the table, tapping the ceramic handle with her nail.
"That was a familiar sight, thought not on the same dramatic scale as Pix's." Spara said.
"Yes, I have to consume about 5 gallons of water in the morning to get going." Piccolo stated. "That little cup of coffee was nothing."
"Dude! You must have to pee like a race horse!" Zarbon said.
"And how!" Piccolo said, leaning back against the booth wall. "That's something I may not miss if I have to be renting this body for awhile. When do you think she'll come back with more coffee?"
"Keep drinking coffee like that and the bathroom experience will be unsettlingly similar." Spara muttered.
"You seem to be feeling more chipper." Zarbon said, patting Spara's arm.
"Indeed. I suppose I just needed a bit of the bubbly to get me going." He said gesturing with his glass of Sprite.
"Yes, the bubbly." Zarbon said, smiling as her hand slipped under the table.
At that moment Delores arrived with a fresh pitcher of water and an audience. Apparently there were more than a few of the other wait staff that didn't believe her story about the gallon-guzzling green bug man at table 18. She plopped the pitcher down in front of Pixie and looked at him expectantly. Spara read the look in her eyes. If Pixie didn't perform it would be a major blow to Delores' ego.
Pixie obliged without a second thought. She hefted the pitcher and downed its cold contents in under a few seconds. There were gasps from the onlookers and Delores just smiled triumphantly. Pixie handed the pitcher back to her and said, "Could I have another one?"
"No problem." Delores said. "But first are you ready to order?"
"Oh! We haven't even cracked the menu's yet!" Spara exclaimed.
Delores' eye twitched.
"No worries guys, I've got it covered." Zarbon said as she turned to Delores. "We'll have everything on the breakfast menu. Bacon, sausage, the works."
Delores gritted her teeth and asked, "How would you like your eggs?"
"However you like your eggs, darlin'." Zarbon grinned cattily.
"Salmonella it is." She said.
"What?" Spara asked.
"I said scrambled it is."
Elsewhere…Kami sat perched eagerly on the edge of the bowl of heaven, his old wrinkly legs dangling over the immense abyss that is the void between heaven and earth. The wind was whipping up his robe exposing long a long line of his thigh. Kami didn't seem to notice.
Mr. Popo gagged silently.
Kami stared intently at the surface of the planet under his charge, blinking rarely despite the wind.
Kami would sit on the edge of heaven for days at a time, never moving, never twitching until Popo intervened and reminded him that even deities had to bathe once in awhile.
Now was such a time.
Mr. Popo approached Kami and tapped him lightly on the shoulder. Getting no response he tapped again, this time a bit harder.
"Not now Popo! That tart Bulma is taking a shower. Oh, yes…you are a dirty girl… a dirty naughty…No! Not you Vegita! You get out of there!! Ugh…" Kami looked up at Popo "Well now that that is ruined, what are you pestering me about now?"
"I think that it is time that you take a shower. Its been a few days and you are starting to kill the plants with your smell."
"What a terrible thing to say to me, an old man! How dare you speak to me with such insolence!"
Popo raised his hand as if to backhand Kami.
"Ack! Okay! Alright! Sorry! Yeesh….I'll take a shower. But no peeking you perv."
"Only in your dreams. Now march." Popo said, pointing to the palace.
"Fine." Kami said, hopping to his feet and in doing so caused his robe to jump open. "That accursed nephew of mine is just having breakfast and isn't really doing anything of interest at the moment. Although Zarbon is giving Spara a run for his money with the footsie she's playing under the table. Those two will probably have a grand ol' sack session before this is all over." He sighed. "Ah….now there is a new twist on self love." Kami grabbed a fistful of his robe and gave it a good sniff. "Eh, you know you are right. This one is pretty rancid. You'd better wash it right away." And with that he whipped it off and handed it to Popo. He grinned, at Popo's shock. He turned on his heel and shuffled off to his nice warm shower
Popo gagged and tossed the tainted robe off the edge of the platform and watched it flutter to the surface below. "Wherever that thing lands, nothing will ever grow again."
Back at the IHOP…Delores sat the last plate down on the table and looked at Zarbon expectantly. Zarbon, completely clueless picked up the Denver omelet, cut it in three pieces and shoved a chunk of it into her mouth. Delores bit her lip and left to attend another table. Curse her manager, he might be right about the blond being able to pack all that food away. Delores grinned. "Lets just hope she's paid off her credit cards because that is not going to be a cheap meal." She thought.
Zarbon having polished off the Denver omelet reached for the steak omelet and proceeded to dig in.
Spara had a look of utter disgust on his face. "Ugh, do I really look like that when I eat?"
Zarbon looked up with a huge piece of steak hanging out of her mouth. "Wook wike what?"
"No, you usually pause for air once in awhile." Pixie said, as he sat down the 5th pitcher of water of the morning. Delores had been kind enough to get him 3 more full pitchers.
Piccolo was picking at a large stack of pancakes with a smiley face on top made of whipped cream and scowled. "What is the reason for this infernal smiley face? I can't eat anything that looks at me."
"Oh for the love of Pete!" Pixie said. He picked up a fork and literally wiped the grin from the face of the pancakes. "There! Are you happy!?"
"I'll never be happy again. Now shove over and hand me the strawberry syrup." Piccolo said as she snatched the fork from Pixie and proceeded to cut up the pancakes. Pixie muttered something that vaguely sounded like a curse and practically threw the boysenberry at her.
"I said Strawberry! What are you stupid?! Wait, yes of course you are! You are a stupid little Pixie after all."
"Oh gee, I'm sorry." Pixie said, crossing his eyes. "But you're wrong. I'm a big old schlub of a Namek and I can't do anything right. It might mean I was competent enough to steal the godhead from Kami." He stopped, eyes wide, and slowly covered his mouth.
The whole table froze; even Zarbon paused from her fourth omelet, fork halfway to her mouth.
"What the hell are you talking about?! What do Kami and his godhead have to do with the price of gasoline in Alaska?" Piccolo asked totally nonplussed.
"I…I-I dunno." Pixie stammered. "It just felt like the thing to say."
On Kami's lookout…
"Swoosh!" Kami said, half hopping with glee. "Part two of my plan is in motion! Now…to find my pants…"
Back at the IHOP…
"But its such a strange thing to say!" Piccolo said.
"Will you just drop it please? I don't know why I said it. It was a stupid thing to say. Now let poor Zarbon get back to her massive stack of French toast! She's practically wasting away over there." Pixie said. He reached for a fresh pitcher of water but this time only sipped it.
"What an odd thing to say." Spara said.
"Look! Drop it okay!?" Pixie shouted.
"No, no, not that. You referred to Zarbon as 'she'." Spara stated. "Don't you think that a bit odd?"
"Oh, you're right." Pixie said. "I did…I'm thinking of Zarby as a she, too."
"That's not too much of a stretch, you know." Piccolo said, as she tried a bite of chocolate chip pancakes. "She was femmy before this debacle. Now she's just got the body parts to back up her wardrobe."
"No, that's not what I mean! I called her 'him!' I mean him 'her'! And you just did it too! Agh! I don't know what to think!" Pixie shouted, throwing his hands up in frustration.
"Well let's look at this rationally. Right now I am a 'he'." Spara said.
Zarbon coughed, choking on her 4th stack of French toast.
"Is there a problem?" Spara asked, placing his elbows on the table, and resting his head on his hands.
"Uh…no, but I'll have to talk to you later." Zarbon said with a sly grin.
"Regardless," Pixie interrupted. "Spara is right. Right now we are all what we are. I'm a man."
Piccolo coughed. "We will also have to have a talk. But sooner I'm sure since that's the 6th gallon of water you've had today."
Pixie shook her head. "Look whatever. Just the semantics could have more meaning than we think they do. It means our thinking has changed. We've started thinking of our bodies not being ours any more. I'm a he, Zarbon's a she, Spara's a he and Piccy is a she!"
"I am not a she!" Piccolo said huffily.
"Check the tits hon." Zarbon said. "I know I checked out mine."
Spara growled. "I hate you sometimes." He said, leaning forward on the table.
"Ah yes, but you LOVE to hate me." Zarbon said, grinning as he fingered a strand of her hair and licked a bit of syrup from her upper lip.
Pixie's eyes darted between her two bodily-displaced friends and then glanced at Piccolo. "Piccy do you sometimes feel like you've missed something?"
"No, never." She said, daubing her mouth with a napkin.
Pixie sighed. "No, of course not. You're as sharp as a spoon."
"Damn right. Now you'll have to excuse me. I need to go to the restroom."
"Yeah, me too. Hey, I'll show you where they are so you don't get lost and go all the way out to the gas station." Pixie said, a playful grin on his face, fangs flashing.
"Shove it, you." Piccolo said as she scooted out of the booth.
Zarbon got up to let Pixie out.
"Oh, so I guess that I will have to have that talk with you afterall." Piccolo said.
Pixie cocked his head sending his antenna bobbling cutely and raised and eye ridge quizzically. "What talk? I know everything there is to know about you.
Piccolo threw back her head and laughed. "Oh, there are some things little fey that no one knows about me. Now come on its time for a little lesson in Namekian anatomy."
Pixie hunched over and followed Piccolo to the bathrooms as Piccolo whispered into her ear. Just as they reached the small corridor that split into the men's and women's rooms Pixie was heard to exclaim, "Dude! That's sick!"
Zarbon turned to Spara with a very sly grin on her face. "You know I wouldn't mind having a little lesson in Saiyajin Anatomy."
"Who are you trying to fool, fool? You've already made it pretty clear that you have studied it quite thoroughly." Spara said crossing his arms and leaning back in the booth.
"Awww….don't be like that. Look I'm sorry for this mess. It just seemed like the thing to do. I promise that I won't ever even look at a pixie spell book again after this is all over." Zarbon said.
"Wow, I am totally taken aback. Was that actual remorse coming from you? Holy crap! Too bad I didn't get it on video so I could sell it on eBay." Spara said sarcastically.
"No! I'm serious! I know that I said I was excited about this! And I was…for the first several hours…but now I really am sorry about all of this! And it's pissing me off! I don't understand it! I should be really giddy about all of this! It should be really awesome!" Zarbon said, as she slowly cut up the stuffed French toast with strawberry syrup.
Spara snickered. "Look, most people don't like regret. But look at it this way, you're probably getting that from my body so you don't really have to worry. I'm sure that you are still the same callous and devious individual that you always were deep down inside."
Zarbon looked up, eyes gleaming. "Do…do you really think so?" She asked.
"I'm sure of it." He held out his hands and Zarbon took them in hers.
"I….I am so turned on right now." Zarbon said.
"I'd be disgusted with you but being turned on by a man reassuring you is also a girl thing."
Zarbon grinned slyly. "So you wanna ditch the bugs and go make out in the back of a school bus?"
"No." Spara yanked his hands out of Zarbon's. "I am more worried about the fact that we, as individuals seem to be losing more and more of our respective personality traits and gaining more of those of our new bodies."
"Well dear, I don't think that you have to worry about becoming too much like me until you get the unsightly urge to strip in public for money to buy designer jeans." Zarbon said as she stuffed another forkful of hash browns into her bottomless pit of a mouth.
"You know now that you mention it these clothes are a little itchy…."