Sorry it's so late.... Comp troubles. You can thank Julie and LilSnoopy of the Black Pearl Scrolls for it being here at all. They typed it for me... Thanks....
NOTE: All the italicized lines, enclosed in parentheses denote an unseen voice talking in Ana's head. sighs.. It just had to be given away in order for it to make sense.
Feeling
Chapter 3
"Jack...please, stop..." I can't put much force behind my words. My heart is racing like a wild rabbit, I can't breathe, and panic is bubbling inside of me. Waves of nausea churns within me.
The burns on my wrists scream their discontent when I try to push my Captain off of me. (Or me off him?) A small whimper escapes me. I usually can handle pain, don't get me wrong, but add to it absolute...terror...and I don't think I can handle anything right now.
At least he releases me. I all but fall backwards in my attempt to escape. I land with a thud in the darkened room. The only source of light was my candle. Jack saw to its extinguishing.
"'M sorry luv." He seems to be saying that a lot lately. "'R you alright? Did I hurt you? wha's wrong?" I tune out his questions. They'll only serve to confuse me more. I need to think. The shadows embrace me. I can feel ghost hands, pressing against me, pawing at me.
An involuntary shudder racks my body. Just the memory of Barbossa's...man-handling...me, makes my arm itch for my knife. Or my candle. But thanks to someone, that option no longer stands.
My eyes begin to adjust to the darkness. You never truly appreciate how bright a single, tiny flame is until you're forced to do without. A small patch of moonlight, emanating from the cabin's only window, casts a faint glow. Everything is monochrome, as if washed clean of every colour by the moon.
Even Jack has lost nearly all his color.
His bandana, usually as crimson as fresh blood, has turned burgundy, as if it was really blood that had dried. The red, even as dark as it is, seems out of place. The only color in a black and white sketch.
"Anamaria?" This time I have no candle to call me, so that leaves only one choice.
"Yes, Captain?" I don't know why I just emphasized his title. I guess I'm just trying to distance myself. By being formal, I'm distancing myself from him.
(Captain Sparrow, meet Captain Redundancy.)
"I've been asking you for a while, what's wrong? You seem... distressed."
(Wow, big word coming from a pirate.)
"Ye're startin' t' sounds like yer brother. 'Distressed'? Tha's a pretty big word fer a mere pirate." That was cold. His brother's an officer in the Royal Navy. To liken Jack to him was just mean.
And mean. I'm not sure how far I can push him before he stops coming back. Every comment I make forces him further away. One of these times, I'll be holding at arms length and I'll end up losing him.
Even in the dim light, I can see the hurt on his face. He begins to rise from his seated position. His actions aren't drunken, yet graceful as they usually are. By the look in his eyes, by the less than imbibed movements, I've done it. I've pushed him too far. He doesn't care anymore.
(Did he ever?)
As he comes closer--- I'm standing between him and the door--- I can see the pain glimmering in those dark depths.
Now it's my turn to apologize. I have to. Before I lose... before I lose Jack, and all that might go with him. I don't know how I feel about him just yet, but I do know, in time, I can learn to love him. I can't lose that. I can't let the chance for true happiness slip through my fingers. Not over such a stupid reason.
"I'm..." my voice comes out naught but a whisper, "I'm sorry..."
I know he hears me when he stops in front of me and lowers himself to eye level. With tentative hands, he reaches towards me. Now, it's almost as if he's afraid of scaring me off. I could almost laugh, if I were not so... I don't know. I don't know anything. I don't know how I feel. I don't even know why I'm so confused. I feel like crying. I feel like hitting something. I feel like screaming out in frustration. I feel like falling into Jacks' arms.
"Now, are you goin' t' tell me wha's wrong?" His tone is soft, caring. Why? It doesn't concern him.
(Doesn't it?)
I shake my head. "No." whether it was to him or myself, I'm not sure. There's a lot I'm not sure of at this moment.
(Why?)
'I don't know.' I reply back in my mind. Again, those three words.
(Pretty annoying isn't it?) The voice teases and jeers now...
'Actually,' I snap, 'you are the annoying one.'
I allow myself to glance back to Jack's face. From the expression I find there, I must have spoken aloud. Damn.
"Sorry." I murmur my answer. I don't really expect him to hear me. I'm not sure I care if he does.
('I'm not sure' is very similar to 'I don't know.')
'I do know it's not a good sign to be hearing voices.' This time I make sure to answer myself- -if it really is my self I'm hearing- -in my head.
(Don't want the Captain to get the wrong idea, huh?)
I try to ignore the voice. I focus, instead on Jack.
Captain Jack Sparrow, a man who never shows emotion...who never lets people see how he feels, now has his emotions written, plain as day, on his face. His hat shadows half of his face. The half I can see, however, is filled with confusion. His pale lips, usually curled in a half smile- -exposing hints of gold teeth- -is turned down in concentration and bemusement.
His silence is almost too...loud.
(How can silence be loud?)
The worse part is that the voice is making sense.
(Of course I am.)
"Who are you?" I realize that I spoke aloud. Too little, too late.
"'M your Captain, luv...And I thought, your friend." He pauses, wondering whether to say...whatever it is he wants to say. "'An'...I hope we could become more."
(See? The voice taunts vehemently, He just wants you for sex. Just like Barbossa... )
I swear...The voice is mocking me. But, why? What could it possibly get?
(Wouldn't you like to know?)
"Yes..." I realize I spoke aloud again. 'Yes, I would like to know...so why don't you tell me?'
(Why?)
'Cause I want to know.'
(Curiosity killed the cat...)
Great. Some strange voice is taunting me in my head. A voice only I can hear. And now it's threatening me.
(No threat. Just a warning.)
Alright. Warning me not to ask questions. If I do, it'll skip threatening and act against me. Why should I care? It's just a voice. What can a voice do?
(Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.)
Another threat...er...warning, aye?'
(Take it as you'd like.)
My...mental argument...is interrupted by a hand on my leg. I jump slightly, but I don't pull back this time. I look down to his hand, lying gently on my leg. I just stare at it, as if entranced by the sight. Why? I don't...No. I'm giving that voice more to mock me with.
(Trust me. I've got plenty already.)
I'm ignoring it. The voice, not Jack.
The weight and warmth of his hand is both terrifying, yet welcome. My heart pounds against the base of throat. My head is feeling rather light, and not from blood-loss like it usually is. I try to hide my fear. I try not to push him away either. It's challenging. It's a struggle not to take his hand off my leg. I want to say something...anything...preferably three specific words
(What? Should be real easy. 'I don't know'? seems to be your phrase of the day.)
I want to say three words, but only one of them was said by the voice. I don't trust my own voice to say them, however. And I really don't trust the Voice to relay the message.
I just sit there, one leg folded slightly beneath me, the other leg out to the side, Jack's hand on my bent knee. My hand moves to cover his. Partially, to keep him from moving it higher, partially to keep him from taking it away. His other hand brushes against my cheek. I move into his touch. I want to let him touch me without fear.
I'm still afraid. I still have to force myself to move into the touch rather than away from it. But I'm at least not running away from him. I've known him this long...I know I could learn to love him, given time. I'm just trying to speed things along.
(Such a pretty little thing. I'm not surprised Jack wants ye. I'm actually more surprised he hasn't gotten tired of waiting and just taken what yer so reluctant to give.)
Damn that Voice.
(What's wrong? Truth hurts? Barbossa wasn't as patient, was he?)
The words brought with them the memory of...what happened.
(I wonder what Jack'll do when he finds out you're tainted. What'll he say when he finds out Barbossa had you first? How fast do ye think he'll have ye off his ship? Maybe he'll claim ye first. Just to out do Barbossa...what do ye think?)
Tears prick my eyes as doubt fills my mind. Jack isn't like that. He wants my heart, not my body...My assurance of that is waning. The Voice is beginning to wear away my confidence.
(Maybe, because I'm right.)
I clumsily hurry to my feet, covering my ears. As if I could block out the Voice with my hands over my ears.
(I'd wager against it. I'm not that easy to get rid of.)
"Well, I can hope...What if I asked you nicely to leave?" I can all be see the Voice's non...noncorporal...noncorporeal...nonphysical smirk.
(I think your Captain is getting the wrong idea.)
I look to see what it's talking about. Jack is standing before me, perplexed appearance in place. His sorrow...his hurt...it's almost palpable. "N-not you." I hurriedly try to explain. I grab his arm in both of mine, attempting to him here.
He looks around the tenebrous room. "Then who're you talkin' to? I don' see anyone else here."
(Oh, too bad. He's got you. Either you tell him the truth-that yer hearin' voices-he'll leave for sure then. Or, you tell him you were talkin' to him. IN which case, he's gone anyway. So...what'll it be?)
The worst part is that the Voice is telling the truth.
(Was there any doubt?)
'Always. With you, in any case.'
To answer Jack. "I was...I...it's hard to explain." The room blurs as tears fill my eyes and down my cheeks. (Cry-baby.) "I just want it to stop. But...if I tell you, you'll throw me overboard...or drop me off at the nearest port...or..." I feel Jack try to pull from my grasp. I let him go. "I'm sorry...you're probably trying to figure out what to do with me right now. I'll ready my things. You can drop me off at Tortuga..."
I turn to my trunk, to pack my meager belongings. After regaining Jack and, the Black Pearl, I thought my need for that trunk was a long time off.
(Guess plans change, aye?)
'You shut up!' I shout inwardly at the Voice.
(Or what? Empty threats, that's all they are.)
I feel arms wrap around my waist. I jump, slightly.
(Remember when Barbossa did that? Right here, in fact. Right in this cabin. This used to be his.)
"That was a long time ago." But the Voice's words brought back memories, buried for so long. It's no longer Jack's arms around me, it's Barbossa's. The touch isn't gentle, it's all be strangling.
I sob, struggling with a long-dead assailant. I elbow behind me, throwing all of my force into it. With a grunt of pain, the arms around me let go. A dull thud tells me where he lands. I turn to face him, getting into a fighting stance, expecting to see Barbossa. The sight of Jack lying on the ground, clutching his stomach, makes me drop beside him. I feel so guilty
(And so you should. Yer the cause of his pain. Yer the cause of a lot of pain. You always hurt those yer close to, don't ye?)
"No." I shake my head vehemently. "I didn't mean it." (Didn't you?) "Of course I didn't. I swear." Jack lay there in a fetal position, and all I want to do is
(Hurt him?)
Hold him. Comfort him.
(SO he can do to you what Barbossa did?)
"He won't do that!"
I kneel beside him and pull him to me. "I'm sorry...I...I was..."
(Go ahead. Tell him you're tainted. Tell him about Barbossa. After how you've been acting, I bet he's lookin' for any reason he can find to get rid of ye.)
"I didn't mean to hurt ye. I just panicked. I thought you...were..." My voice trails off.
(Can't do it, can ye? You can't tell him. You know what he'd do.)
"'S alright. 'M fine." He uncurls, relaxing into my embrace. "Ye do have a powerful punch, though. Reminds me why I made you me First Mate." His arms wrap around me, head lying on my shoulder...But I'm not afraid. I feel too guilty.
(Guilty? For what? It's not yer fault. He's the one taking advantage of you
First the Voice is against me, now it's my best friend? I think not.
(Think what you like.)
I will.
I awkwardly try to find a place for my arms. With Jack half in my lap; I'm having difficulty getting my arms into a comfortable position.
(There is a reason why men are usually in the dominant position. Perhaps ye should give Sparrow the control.)
'I'll figure it out. Just give me a moment.' I finally settle on holding him as a child.
(Since you'll never have one.)
"What?" 'Who says I want one?'
(You do
'Not.' Children would only get in the way of duty.
Silence. From both of them. This time, I'm happy about it. No nosy Voice. I just sit there, holding Jack, in the silent darkness. That's not true...Jack and the Voice are silent. That's not to say there is no noise. There's the sound of the water lapping against the ship...the usual creak and moan of the Pearl...just the normal sounds of sailing a ship.
A thought strikes me.
(Sounds painful.)
'Oh, yay, you're back.'
(I knew deep, deep down, ye cared.)
That was sarcasm. But anyway...'I wonder who's got the helm? Jack wouldn't give it up to just anybody. There are only a few of us he lets steer his precious Black Pearl.
(Good question. Why 't ye ask 'im?)
'I don't need your permission to do anything.'
"Um...Jack?" Why am I so nervous about asking a simple question? 'That was not for you to answer.' Best to cut off any commentary before it starts.
"Hmm?" His voice vibrates against me. Kind of tickles, but it's nice.
"Who's steerin' the ship?" I don't—"
(Know?)
"I don't think. (Got that right) I don't think that it was the question I was having trouble with. I just said it fine right now. I think I was more worried about disturbing the peaceful silence.
(Or maybe, afraid he'll realize no one's controlling the ship and run off, leaving you alone. With Me...)
I can feel the malice in those last two words. And it scares me.
(Aww...I didn't mean to scare you. It'll be fun, just you...and me.)
Jack smiles reassuringly. He must have misunderstood my worry. My fear must have shown on my face. Now he thinks I'm afraid of having some novice at the helm or something.
(Not too bright then, is he?)
"Cotton's at the helm. But if you wan' I can take over."
(He wants to get away from you.)
"No!" I ignore Jack's surprise and the Voice's laughter. "You don't have to go. I'm not pushing you away. I was just curious." ('Member that poor cat? What happened to him from indulging his curiosity?) "Please, stay?" I nearly when Jack rises from my embrace. (Afraid to be alone with me?) "Yeah, I am." I let him go and stand. "Sorry. I'm...I can't explain the way I'm acting...It's..." (Complicated.) "Complicated..." I can't believe I just agreed with the Voice.
(Scary, isn't it?)
"Try to explain. I swear on pain of Death, I will not throw you overboard. Or drop you off at the nearest port. Or anything else." I want to tell him, but I don't know how.
(What's so hard about telling him that you're hearing Voices in yer head? Or do you mean about being tainted by Barbossa?)
The malicious laughter sends a shiver down my spine.
Jack helps me up, pulling me into a friendly, comforting embrace. "Thanks." I mutter into his shirt. I move my head so my cheek is resting on his shoulder and my face is free of fabric. "I want to tell you. I swear. I...it's hard."
(Well, with a pretty thing like you in his arms...I'm not surprised it's hard. Maybe you should alleviate the problem for him, aye?)
I wrap my arms around Jack, in a strange hold. I need the assurance that he won't leave until I'm completely done. "I'm...ye see...there's this
(God, will ye just spit it out already? )
"I'm being haunted." The second I said it was the first time I thought of it. But, thinking back on my conversations with the Voice, it made sense. "I have a Voice telling me things. I'm sorry. I know, I sound mad. Hearing voices? Not a good sign, but this is the first time. I swear, it just started after you...blew...out...the candle." Did the candle have something to do with it?
The voice is completely silent. There's a first. I must have struck a nerve for once.
"That's it?" Jack says in a surprised voice. "That's what you're worried about? You're not scarin' me off that easily. Hearin' voices ain't anything new for me, if ye ask 'most anybody. If that's alls, ye've got nothin' to worry about." He gives me a friendly squeeze, a short, gentle hug." That explains the one sided conversations. What about your...fear? What did that voice say? Every time I did anything even slightly...more than friendly, you pushed me away."
I can't tell him. Not about Barbossa. What am I supposed to say?
"It said...It said you were going to..." My heart races. I'm not lying. Not really. I'm just withholding information. Nice little lies to tell myself. Maybe I'll even believe it if I keep telling myself. "The Voice...it gave me images. I saw...felt...you force yourself on me. I know you weren't." I rush to assure him of the last part. "The Voice made see and feel things that weren't happening. I'm sorry. I was just defending myself from a threat that wasn't there. I don't know why it was toying with me like that." That's at least true. Why was it pestering me. And why now? "Ye believe me, right? 'R d'ye think I'm insane? I'm starting to believe I am. I understand if you do, too. I--" He presses his finger to my lips to silence me.
"I thought I already told you that I don't think yer crazy." A small smile curves his lips, "I'm the daft one, 'member?"
There's a tiny glimmer of hopeful humor in his eyes. I smile back shyly. It doesn't reach my eyes, but, in the dark, I hope he doesn't notice.
My arms ache, I'm terrified, and yet...I'm content. It's as if every pain...every tiny hurt...cancel each other out. All of my troubles are shadowed by the warmth of his embrace.
To Be Continued...
So...who's the mysterious Voice? If you don't know, I'm not telling. At least not yet. Not even in this story probably...In any case, read on.
Argh! Stupid tanget! I forgot what I was going to say...scratches head in money-like fashion attempting to remember the point Hmm.......
Aha! I was about to thank all you nice reviewers. Hana lei (sorry for poor elvish spelling), Danka Shen (again, sorry for sp. Errors...), Grazias (Need I keep apologizing?), Merce Boku (you know the drill)...yeah, thanks...(I'm not even gonna try sp. Japanese thanx.)
Your reviews are about the only nice things I hear lately. So keep'm comin'. You review; I'll do everything in my power to keep updating.