Disclaimer: I do not own all and anything to do with FAKE as they belong to Sanami Matoh nor the beautiful song 'To Where You Are' by the talented Josh Groban.
Author's note: Hi everyone! I'm new to this manga because my friend recently got me hooked onto it. I just adore yaoi and I want to fit this scenario in with this song 'To Where You Are' by Josh Groban which happens to be one of my faves. I really hope that this story is worth reading and that perhaps you could leave a review for feedback. This takes place after the series. Enjoy!
Warnings and a side note: Standard procedure, OOC, yaoi, some minor spoilers and some angst (a tiny bit..I think...). Side note: Flashback is in italics.
Updated 21/5/2014: Did some mild editing to improve the story :)
To Where You Are
Dee sighed softly as he tossed and turned between the large quilt and cotton sheets. He felt like ripping his hair out: this was going to be another sleepless night. He gazed at the other figure who was currently in a peaceful slumber enviously before his frustrated chagrin faded to one of adoration. He observed the older man as he reached out to softly stroke his hair and kiss his forehead sweetly and gently. Ryo was beautiful like an angel to the other man's mind, slumbering so much like a baby. Not wanting to wake his boyfriend up, he decided to adjourn to the balcony.
He carefully pulled the covers aside and padded silently outside the bedroom door. When he was in the living room, he saw the closed door of Bikky's room. He smirked slightly, the kid was a deep sleeper for one huge bundle of trouble. After turning on the radio to his favourite station, he carefully slid open the glass door and stepped outside, feeling the cool air hitting his heated skin. He brandished one of his cigarettes and lit it, feeling grateful for the tobacco on his lips. But it didn't erase the cause of keeping him awake. He glanced down at his left wrist and suddenly he didn't feel like smoking any longer, allowing the cigarette to dangle from his lips as the tip slowly burned away to ashes.
'Penguin...'
A small polished wooden cross glinted dully under the dim lights, to be stringed with small beads. It was a traditional rosary to be worn around the neck but he preferred to have it around his wrist. It was Mother's last gift to him before she passed on. He leaned heavily against the balcony railing, gazing down towards the city. He quickly discarded the cigarette butt, intent on focusing the little trinket around his hand. The mischief in his eyes faded only to be replaced by a tinge of sadness as he remembered their last moments together.
"Penguin, I don't want you to go..."
Dee felt like a little boy again as he gripped her frail hand. Mother looked no better than yesterday, she was pale and her strength was weakening. He thought that she would've recovered from pneumonia any time sooner, but it wasn't such the case and hope was failing.
"I'll let that name pass, Dee. I can trust you to live on without me," she coughed, wincing at the pain, "You have my guidance and blessing from me."
"But...still..." Dee gritted his teeth, struggling not to let his tears show, "I need you..."
"My child...look inside the drawer," she pointed at the bedside chest of drawers, "It's meant to be your birthday gift, but I feel that this is the right moment to give it to you."
Dee did as she said, he immediately shook his head of what he found, his eyes filled with disbelief.
"No...I can't take this, it's yours, and besides..." he bowed his head, his dark hair falling to shield his eyes, "...I don't believe in God, you know that."
"Dee, come here," Mother's voice was soft and he was surprised to find a small smile on her tired face. She gently combed his hair, "I'm aware of that, but just take it as a reminder of me and I will say it again: You have my guidance and blessing from me and you have Ryo and other people who love and care about you...I WILL always be with you...I'm so proud of you, my son...don't forget that..."
"...don't forget that..."
The last words kept echoing in his mind and it made him shiver, not from the cold. He tried to concentrate on the music wafting from the radio inside but his mind was filled with images of Mother from the past and present.
"Penguin, it still hurts," Dee whispered angrily and sadly to himself. He couldn't cry, he wasn't supposed to. He remembered that he didn't cry at her funeral, there were sobbing children present and were in need of comfort. He had to be strong for them and he couldn't let his lover see him vulnerable like this. Jess was gone and now Penguin...and Ryo...what would happen if...he was... "No no! Don't think that! Damn it...I wish you could be here to yank my ear-ow! What!"
"You said you wanted your ear yanked," Dee swung around to find Ryo smirking at him lightly, letting go of his ear.
"Whatever," the taller man said before turning back to the city, "Go back to sleep, Ryo, we have to wake up early tomorrow...don't let me bother you."
"Is something wrong?" Ryo said, quite surprised at his boyfriend's attitude before turning with concern as he ran a hand over his forehead, "Are you alright?"
"Don't patronize me, Ryo, I'm not a kid," Dee said with annoyance.
"I'm only trying to help!" Ryo countered.
There was a tense silence between both men before Dee sighed again and turned away, leaning his head heavily against his hands.
"Look, Ryo...I'm sorry," Dee bit his lip, the burning sensation in his eyes was insistent and his chest ached, 'Not now...not now...'
"Dee..." Ryo gently embraced him from behind, nuzzling his cheek against his back, "Come back inside."
'Dee was still hurting...I should've watched him more carefully...'
Both men were settled on the couch, silently basking in the warmth of their embrace while listening to the slow songs on the radio. It felt slightly awkward for Ryo to be the one cuddling Dee up to him when it was always the other way round. But the rare solemn and sad look in his love's eyes said otherwise. Dee was unusually silent and he was trembling in his arms. As Ryo stroked his hair, his other hand wandered to find his fingertips touching some beads and a shape of a cross. It was Mother's gift to Dee...before she was gone from this world, Ryo remembered. He looked down but Dee couldn't look into his eyes.
"You're still thinking of Mother, aren't you?"
It wasn't a question. It was a statement. It made Dee flinch in his arms, giving the other man the confirmation for his lover's troubles.
"It's nothing..." Dee's voice was strained.
"It's not nothing to me!" Ryo quickly cupped his face, making him look directly into his eyes, "I know you're still hurting."
"First Jess is gone and now Penguin!" Dee suddenly exclaimed and pulled away abruptly to point at the ornament around his wrist, "What does the world have against me? Don't I have a right to miss the people I loved and cared for!"
Ryo too was caught up with Dee's emotions; he lost his parents to a cold-blooded murderer. Mother was always the one Dee turned for guidance when he was not there. She supported him, nursed him, took care of him like he was her own son. The tension returned when he saw how tight his boyfriend's face was, his bangs completely obscured his eyes, his teeth were clenched. Ryo carefully guided Dee back against his chest and nearly choked when Dee grabbed him tightly as if he were to disappear.
Meanwhile the radio switched to another song and soft piano music filled the air. Dee slackened his grip, averting his gaze away from his lover's chest to the radio as a gentle baritone voice floated in to his ears. The younger man's eyes were filled with new tears but he held them back.
"That song was played at the funeral..." Ryo mused, remembering the day of Mother's funeral.
"It's much more than that," Dee interjected, "That's her favourite song and..."
"Dee?"
Dee picked his head up to look intently at Ryo. The shorter of the two was much surprised to find his eyes glassy with a melancholy look and seemed to possess a faraway gaze. Ryo gently slapped his cheek to bring him back to focus. Before he could say anything, Dee avoided his eyes and mumbled something incoherently against his neck.
"Dee, what is it?"
"That song was also my lullaby."
Ryo would've laughed with disbelief if he heard it earlier. But seeing that the song had so much sentimental value to the other man, he could only mutter an 'oh'. Dee went into a state of reverie.
"She used to sing me that song every time I had a nightmare," Dee softly confessed, "When I just lost Jess...despite all the mumbo jumbo about angels and Jesus, she always makes me feel safe, making feel like I'm flying like a bird, to be rid of my fears and sorrow. It took a while to get over and I kinda forgotten that song since I became a cop...it just came back."
Ryo was silent, strongly offering solace in his embrace and he couldn't help picturing a vulnerable teenage Dee lying within Mother's arms while she was singing. This was a new side of Dee he was witnessing. Dee was always the strong, obnoxious and brave individual to turn to. It now seemed quite strange and scary to see sadness marring his handsome features. He hugged Dee tightly as he buried his nose among his dark hair. Dee's shoulders were shaking; Ryo recognized that sign.
"Dee?"
Ryo took Dee's silence to continue.
"I want you to cry."
Dee shot up his head as if Ryo had gone mad. But there was seriousness in the dark eyes of his lover.
Dee huffed and turned his head away.
"I can't...I'm not supposed to."
"Your body signs say otherwise," Ryo's hands cupped his muscular shoulders and gently massaged them, "You suffered through a tough period, Dee, don't let it eat you inside."
"I just won't," Dee muttered, his eyes becoming misty with a hint of defensive anger, "You can't tell me what to do."
"I'm not, Dee," Ryo gently reasoned with patience, knowing Dee's stubborn streak and pride, "I'm saying that everyone has a right to be sad and cry, that includes you. Put your pride aside and just do it."
Dee remained silent.
"I don't think Mother would want to see you like this. You should cherish all the teachings and acts of love and kindness she blessed you with. She didn't want you to suffer heartbreak because of her absence. She's with you, Dee, in spirit with Jess, like I know my parents are."
Ryo softly kissed his forehead and held his head close to the crook of his neck, gently cradling him like a babe.
"It's not healthy to hold back when the only thing you want to do is cry, Dee," he repeated the words his aunt said to him at his parents' funeral, "Don't hold back, Dee. Don't hold back."
Dee was shaking like a leaf but Ryo smiled with relief when he felt a hot dampness on the skin of his neck. Dee was finally letting go.
Dee felt ashamed to be in that position but what Ryo had said was true. He couldn't hold back all the years he tried not to cry, he couldn't remember the last time he even shed tears.
"Damn it...fuck it..." he hissed, squeezing his eyes shut trying in vain to block out the tears gathering and falling unbidden down his flushed cheeks.
Before he knew what was happening, he was clutching Ryo's nightshirt and silently cried in his chest, his tears dampening the soft material. He rode out all the sorrow he had endured since Mother's funeral and he briefly flash-backed to his memory when he lost the only father he knew back then. All the frustration and anger went into it as he made occasional huffs and grunts in effort not to cry aloud.
Ryo only gathered his trembling boyfriend closer, rocking him back and forth and pressing kisses into his hair. He said nothing but said everything through his sweet kisses and caresses. After what it seemed like eternity, Dee eventually stopped trembling but the sadness and desperation were still present by his occasional sniffling.
"Oh God..." Dee croaked, not caring how pathetic he sounded, "Don't leave me, not after Penguin and Jess are gone...I love you, I love you so damn much!"
Ryo was startled at the emotional proclamation but he regained his composure and nodded.
"I love you too, Dee, I won't leave," the older man promised and brought him close to give what it meant to be a chaste kiss.
But Dee's desperation caused the taller man to blow into a more urgent one. Ryo initially protested but surrendered to the brief harshess of the locking of their lips after tasting Dee's tears. Both men gasped for breath as the kiss ended. Dee breathed more heavily than Ryo, his energy spent from crying and the mind-blowing kiss. Ryo cupped his cheek, stroking it softly as he observed his lover. His dark hair was disheveled. His red-brimmed green eyes were still misty with more unshed tears. His cheeks were warm and flushed, stained with tear-tracks and his lips were red and swollen from kissing. But to him, Dee was still beautiful in his eyes. Five years into their relationship helped Ryo appreciate all Dee offered to him.
"I miss her, Ryo...but I..." Dee was silenced with a finger to his lips.
"Hush, Dee" Ryo shushed him, "Hush...we'll talk more in the morning."
Dee laid on his chest, sniffing lightly and more tears trickling down his cheeks. This time, they were tears of gratitude. He felt too tired to cry anymore, his chest no longer felt tight although he felt some pain. Ryo's gentle combing through his hair was so soothing. He couldn't keep his eyes open anymore as he succumbed to a much-needed slumber.
Ryo breathed deeply with relief as Dee slowly fell asleep. This was a dramatic and unforgettable episode of their years together. Not only that, tonight would be one of the nights that Dee would be able to sleep peacefully even if it was not in their bedroom. He made a mental note to call the office in the morning to ask for a day-off to help Dee recover from the emotional break-down.
"Ryo?"
Ryo was startled at first but sighed when he found Bikky behind them, looking slightly abashed by the scene before him. The young boy came forward to get closer to Ryo.
Ryo shook his head and gestured to the sleeping man he was holding. Bikky's irritated glance softened and his brow quirked with surprise to see tears on the man who usually teased him and called him a piece of crap. Dee looked different, he looked almost like him when he was lost before Ryo adopted him.
"Don't get any ideas, Bikky," Ryo said, hoping the young boy wouldn't start another outburst even though he had eventually and grudgingly accepted the relationship.
"I know, Ryo," Bikky held up his hands in surrender, "I watched the whole thing when I heard the radio turned on. I didn't know Dee had it really hard. I won't trouble him until he's better. I gotta admit...Dee really needs you."
"Good," Ryo smiled gratefully and ruffled the boy's hair, "Go back to bed, Bikky, you have school tomorrow."
"'Night, Ryo" Bikky glanced briefly at Dee before gesturing him with a slight smirk, "And...you too, pervert."
Ryo shook with head with amusement at the last word. As soon as he heard the door close, he turned his attention back to his companion. The song in the background added the serenity to the atmosphere and a familiar verse made Ryo's heart ache and warm at the same time...
"Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star...
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile...
If only for awhile
To know you're there...
A breath away's not far
To where you are..."
"I'll help you this time, Dee" he gently kissed Dee's sore eyelids to soothe them, making the other man sigh before mumbling something to fall deeper in his sleep, making Ryo smile with affection, admiring the tranquil look on Dee's face.
He continued to tenderly comb his partner's hair before sleep eventually claimed him too.
"It's not gonna be easy without you, Penguin. I miss you already, including all your punishments. I hope you can say hi to Jess for me."
Dee gently laid a bouquet of white roses in front of the headstone where Mother was buried as he thought over what happened over the previous days. It was about two weeks since that episode in the living room. He managed to pour out all of his sorrow he harboured and this was his first visit since her funeral. It wasn't easy for him to express the hurt and sorrowful feelings he kept within himself but he finally did it. He smiled slightly when he visioned his surrogate mother's face; he had learned to accept that she would be no longer be around to fuss and guide him. He had other people to live for. His small smile turned into a grin when he felt a slightly smaller hand slip into his and a kiss pressed to his cheek.
"How do you feel now, Dee?" Ryo asked him with his own special smile that could only be seen by him.
Dee ran a hand through his bangs. He did feel a lot better than he used to be, although a trace of pain would return at the thought of the deceased ones he cared for, it didn't hurt as much as before. He bent down to give Ryo a chaste kiss on the lips.
"Much better, baby, thank you." the taller man's heart burned with loving gratitude. Ryo had been there to support him, being patient with him, always there there for him to cry on.
"Let's go home," Ryo tugged on his hand, gazing at the sun just sliding down the horizon, "It's getting late and...I want you to make up for lost time..."
A devilish grin lit up Dee's face, making Ryo blush but grin back as well. Ryo had grown more confident as their relationship developed and he was more open about it too.
"I'm starting to like this..." Dee winked before gesturing to Mother's headstone, "We'll visit you again soon, Penguin."
And Dee almost swore that he heard a familiar feminine faint chuckle near his ear.
Ryo sank back in the pillows as he gathered the other man close to his heart. Dee had long gone fallen asleep after their explosive lovemaking, making Ryo sigh with relief that Bikky wasn't at home but instead spending the weekend over at Carol's.
Ryo groaned softly, feeling the familiar ache on his body, 'Looks like it's gonna be there for some time...' but he smiled, 'But it was worth it.'
He sighed softly and kissed the top of his head. Observing his lover's sleeping face, he noted how tranquil Dee was than the previous nights. Dee would definitely sleep well tonight. Ryo buried his nose in his lover's hair.
"Don't be afraid to come to me if you want to a shoulder to cry on again, Dee," Ryo whispered into the dark locks, "I'm always here for you."
Ryo gazed at an open window to find the moon full in the dark sky.
"He's fine, Mother," he whispered, "I'll take care of him, not just for this moment but everyday after that."
And his eyes twinkled with a hidden glow when he thought he saw a vision of Mother smiling softly at him and nodding with approval before fading away. With a deep breath, Ryo closed his eyes and fell asleep, joining his lover in the land of dreams.
The End
Author's note: Phew...that was a little but hard. But what do you think? Please leave a review. And expect a Christmas Fake fic around 23 to 24 December. C ya!