Rating: R for innuendo and crude humor Summary: Four loosely related drabbles set during Christmas season of Angel S5.
Disclaimer: Joss and Fox own the universe that Spike adorns. I only worship there. Archive: Yes, please! Just let me know so I can do the Snoopy dance.
SPIKE UNSCROOGED
Spike seethed. Angel had set him up.
The mall manager eyed him. "You're going to need padding"
"No. I'm not putting on any Santa's outfit"
"What? You said you were from Wolfram&Hart. How can I find another Santa now"
"Not my problem." Spike left.
Spike overheard the manager explaining that Santa wouldn't be making an appearance after all and he heard a child begin to cry and then another. He looked back and saw the perfect tear, a crystal drop rolling down an innocent cheek and he sighed. "Oh! Bloody... I don't s'pose anyone would recognize me with the beard."
SPIKE RESCROOGED
"You're not Santa! You're a fake!" The child pulled the beard and let it snap back into place.
"Right! I'm the boogie man." Spike let his eyes turn yellow. The child fell off Spike's lap and ran screaming to his mother. Spike thought maybe the Santa gig wasn't working.
"Blondie Bear? You're doing SANTA"
Spike drawled, "Why no-o-o. Ah'm Joe-Bob"
"Spike? What's wrong with your voice"
A child climbed up and slipped. His foot landed with unerring accuracy in the worst possible place and Spike bit his tongue. "Oh, Spikey, this is just so cute"
Spike thought he might cry.
SANTA'S HELPER
The vampires were having fun with their take-out from the mall. They'd scored a Santa and a kid. His screams were sweeter than any Christmas carol.
Dust powdered the air where one vampire had been. A game-faced Spike caught the child as he fell.
"Hey! What was that for?" The remaining vampire squawked with righteous indignation-cut short when a stake flew through his heart.
"You ok?" Spike staunched the blood flowing from an unconscious Santa.
"You one of Santa's elves"
"I'm not! I'm a champion"
"Is that like a superhero"
"Kinda like that ... yeah. Only better dressed."
REINDEER CAN BE DANGEROUS
"It's Christmas Eve. Consider it my Christmas present." Spike's voice was perilously close to a whine.
"I'm not giving you a Christmas present. You're not getting another car." Angel moved out to the terrace and looked over the city and ignored Spike.
"Angel "
Both vampires looked up as a distinctive shadow passed overhead and the sound of jingling bells filled the air.
It couldn't be! Santa and his reindeer.
"What!" Angel slapped at the gooey mess that had splatted on his head and glared at Spike who was doubled over in laughter. A faint ho-ho-ho echoed through the night.