2/06/05 Upon inspection of this piece I found what a real turn I made from the last chapter with Cloud. I always liked to think of Cloud as a guy-guy: ornery and constantly irritated by the drama his girl friends (not girlfriend) create. I still think it's funny. I always liked it when he and Barrett fought. Barrett is such a loose cannon anyway. Poor Marlene. He did strangle Biggs after they blew up that first reactor and it makes me laugh every time. And don't forget about Cloud's little joke about Tifa having orthopedic underwear. It's when Cloud enters Tifa's house when he tells all of them the story about Sephiroth and he goes into her house in the flashback. It's in Tifa's dresser. You may or may not have heard about it. But it's funny how Tifa's like "CLOUD!" and he's like "It's true!". I always knew he was a joker. XD My kind of guy! OH! I changed the last paragraph of this. I hated it. It sounds much more better and less …sappy for lack of a better term.
12/14/04 I can't help but feel the last paragraph is really cheesy. I'm not good at sappy stuff. I may be on a roll right now; getting my chapters out one after another but that might come to a stop as the story progresses. Just bear with me. But nearly a page and a half! That's a record for me. It seems so much longer when it's in my notebooks. The last chapter I don't really like but with the exception of the last paragraph of this one, I like it.
Disclaimer: Can you believe I had a time where I kept misspelling that? Damn nails…
Chichiri: Jing Xiao Jie does not own –
Jing: WAIT! Where are my evil squeaker minions? I have them specifically for this purpose.
Chichiri: They called in, no da. Said they were indisposed. -
Jing: WHAT! They can't do that! I own them. They do as I say. THEY HAVE NO SICK DAYS Ugh! I feel a migraine coming. Whatever.
Chichiri: Poor Jing-san. Anyway Where was I? Oh yes – Jing Xiao Jie does not own any of the characters in this story. They are copyrighted property of SquareSoft/SquareEnix, no da. On with the story!
If it's the overflowing tears, it's okay that they don't stop now
Light should be shining into the finale of the sadness
Right, we believed in the same feeling
We gazed at the vanished memory
Now I can't meet you
But I can hide my painful thoughts
And become stronger
I'll go ascertain that
If it's the overflowing tears, it's okay that they don't stop now
Light should be shining into the finale of the sadness
The things that I destroyed when I was too rushed
I'll regain them, to walk like myself
Hey, let me say goodbye first
To you again back then
I believe that surely, there's a new tomorrow
Time that passes by unhesitatingly and unhurriedly
I won't forget the pain that changes into kindness
My heart that I wounded when I was too reckless
I'll embrace it, for the reborn me
I Will
If it's the overflowing tears, it's okay that they don't stop now
Light should be shining into the finale of the sadness
Time that passes by unhesitatingly and unhurriedly
I won't forget the pain that changes into kindness
The things that I destroyed when I was too rushed
I'll regain them, to walk like myself
I Will
I Will by Sowelu
Chapter 4
"Heal the pain"
He woke with a start. His face was puffy and the ridged pattern of the sofa cushions were
printed deeply on his cheek. The left side of his face has wet, apparently he had been drooling again. I've gotta stop doing that. That was one weird dream. Not that his dreams usually weren't, but that was just crazy. He wiped the side of his face dry as he thought more about it. Someone had been calling his name. That's why he woke up in the first place. He thought it had been Tifa yelling at him again.
He stretched and yawned as he stood. He walked into the kitchen for a glass of water. He trudged about, going to the sink and filling his glass. He looked at the clock as he took a large gulp and nearly choked. It was now 3:00 A.M. He thought he would just close his eyes and rest just a bit, laying himself down on the couch. That was 12 hours ago. He must have been just a little more fatigued than he had originally thought. Carrying heavy furniture around all day wasn't exactly light on the back or the feet. And boy had his dogs been barking. Tifa moved into a new house and he had at sometime "volunteered" his services. Funny - because he didn't ever remember offering to help. Not that it was a big deal; he didn't have anything productive to do anyway. He had just planned to sleep the day away…again.
That woman was so indecisive. He finally got that damn… whatever the hell it was, where she told him to put it and then she decides that she likes it better over in the corner. No wait, on that wall. No that one. Perfect. A little more to the right. No the left. Great. Now go get the other really heavy stuff and bring it in. Why couldn't Barrett have helped? He wasn't doing anything. Somehow he got the easy job of putting away all her little junk. Things could have gone a lot smoother had she told Barrett to help with the heavy stuff. It wasn't his fault the damn armoire was too heavy for him to lift alone and ended up going through a wall. He gave an evil smile. That one thing had made it all worth while. The look on Tifa's face was classic. And it got him dismissed from his duties early so he wouldn't bring the rest of the house down. Sometimes it's good to be a klutz.
This was gonna throw off his schedule. What to do now? He knew there was nothing on television at this hour and even if there was, it was all crap. There was nothing for him to do. He let out an aggravated sigh. There was probably no chance of him getting back to sleep now. His internal battery had been fully charged and he wasn't in the least bit tired. Uh-oh. He hated not having anything to do. It gave him too much time to think. He hated to think. Somehow he always ended up drinking or breaking something, most of the time it was both. Those two things went hand in hand for him. When he drank, he broke something. When he broke something he was 99 of the time drunk off his ass. Then he would either have to fix it or replace it. And he wasn't too great at fixing things. What he needed was a good punching bag. Where was Cait Sith's fat stuffed body when you needed it most? Well, he needed to do something and it wasn't gonna get done if he didn't get moving. So he went down a list of possible tasks or pastimes.
Hmm. He could always clean things up a bit around here. Tifa always complained about the state of his "home". But he thought better of it. Doing that would mean that she would be over more often, meaning no more sleeping in past noon and more nagging on her part. He cringed. That always resulted in a migraine. He'd had way too many of those lately. Said woman being the cause.
He could fix something. Men are supposedly great handymen. He wouldn't necessarily have to clean up, but fixing some things would make it seem less trashy. It was his fault the things were broken in the first place. Results of some of his drunken escapades. He smirked. Good times, good times. But then he remembered that he knew basically nothing about fixing anything. Sometimes he could fix a car depending on the problem. But that was more tinkering with the damn thing that any actual skill or knowledge about it. Nope.
He could go vandalize some of Barrett's property. Boy did he love to get that big gorilla's panties in a wad. And oh, was he good at it. He could do that with hardly any effort on his part. Somehow they always ended up fighting. Either Cloud was in an ornery mood and wouldn't stop flapping his lips, throwing cuts left and right, or just the opposite; he wouldn't say hardly anything, not responding to anyone or anything. Both were very effective in getting the desired result and both ended in a bloody brawl, sometimes with broken limbs or property. And then he had an epiphany. Oooh. That's why Tifa made me do all the crap work by myself. She may not look it, but Tifa was quite intelligent. Realizing that the two of them could very well destroy her new home, she separated them. No. Although it was very pleasing and well worth the effort, things like this had to be thought out and planned carefully. Especially what – or who – was to be victimized. Tempting. But not right now. Maybe later.
Or. He could take a walk. It wasn't exactly his cup of tea. But this was a serious situation and he didn't have much choice. It required little effort. Physically and mentally. And maybe he would run into a few monsters or fiends. He could always use a good workout. Though if there weren't any around that would mean that his mind would be free to wander to places that he didn't necessarily want to go. Again he was at a crossroads: he could either stay home; be allowed to explore his repressed thoughts, become depressed and drown it out with alcohol, which resulted in more damaged property. Or he could take a walk and be subject to the same thing minus the alcohol and destruction of property. He decided for the latter. It had become a very bad habit for him to drink, which again, resulted in destruction of his or another's property. So again, either something had to be fixed or replaced. It was a vicious cycle. He sighed, reaching for his coat, and stepped out the door and began his walk.
Great. Tifa owed him for this. It was her fault he was out here anyway. If he hadn't "volunteered" to help her move then he wouldn't have been so tired. If he wasn't so tired he wouldn't have fallen asleep at 3 in the afternoon. And if he hadn't fallen asleep, he wouldn't have slept for 12 hours, woken up at such an ungodly hour and he wouldn't be taking this walk now. Which only allowed him to think. She owed him for that little outburst of hers the other day, too. No he hadn't forgotten about that. Oh no. Freaking woman and her damn hormones. And now this was why he didn't like to think. It was a never ending cycle. All thoughts led to her. Aeris.
Now he wanted to run away and hibernate in a hole somewhere. Damn lucky bears. It got to be a little more than he could handle. He had had an emotional few days. And actually, it angered him the more he thought about it. She had that ridiculous tantrum in public because she decided that now she had feelings for him. Well, if she wasn't such a numbskull maybe she would have seen that he had loved her a long time ago. Only when Aeris showed up did she start to act like a jealous school girl. It was her fault. She had her chance. He couldn't help the fact that he loved Aeris. She just wasn't like anyone else he had ever met. And that was why it had hurt him so badly when she died.
He sat down when he realizing that he had made his way all the way to the park. He thought about it all and then coming as quite a shock, he realized that he wasn't starting to sink into a funk now that his thoughts had turned her way. Right about now he would be sulking and/or sobbing. But after a couple years of this, he guessed, it kinda got old and you could only cry about it for so long. Maybe he was finally getting over her. And his guilt. He had to admit that Tifa was right; it was stupid to mope about like he did and blame himself over something that he couldn't have possibly guessed would ever happen. Aeris was special to him. And the guilt he bore would probably never fully ebb away, but at least it was a start. But he could still wonder what it would have been like to spend the rest of his days with her. She could still live in his heart and he could always think back on the lighter moments. He could do it. He knew he could. He knew Aeris would want him to. Feeling a bit more light hearted and with a renewed confidence in himself, he stood and began walking back towards town. And as he walked he felt more like his old self little by little. Upon returning to his normal state of mind, a mischievous smirk crept onto his face. Now what can I do to Barrett?
I'm sure that the heart I left behind
Still lies hidden in the heart of the deep, deep forest.
Exhausted without the strength to search
People vanish into the infinite darkness
If it's so small, I wonder if I can see it
Even now?
As we live on we lose a little bit more
Shrouded in falsehoods and lies
We stand frozen to the spot, unable to cry.
The days pass by and change
Without us even realizing how blue
The sky really is.
Overcoming that made up scheme
We live the present and our rusted hearts
Begin to beat again!
If we can find the rhythm of time
We can fly again.
We live our lives wandering to the ends of the earth
Believing (in you?)
Now I begin my journey without you
In search of the light
Closing off the way back
We walk on for eternity
We live our lives frozen to the spot
Unable to cry out for eternity.
Fukai Mori (Deep Forest) by Do As Infinity