Pt. 2 - Josh and Sam
"Did they tell you why they want to blackmail her?"
"It's obvious Sam. Donna has a case of Lovin' Lyman."
"Loving…Lyman."
"I just made it up. It has a certain flair to it, I think."
"Ok."
"It does."
"So, they want to blackmail her, and they came to you for help."
"Yes."
"And this made sense to them?"
"Perfect."
"I wish I could've witnessed it."
"It was something to see."
"So, you dropped them off at CJ's and came back here."
"Yep. Called you on the way."
"Why didn't you take Donna to her place."
"I thought they might need each other in the morning."
"It was that bad?"
"Oh yeah."
"So, why'd you come back here?"
"I needed a drink."
"Or three."
"I've had three?"
"That's your third."
"Sam, don't tell Donna. She'd kill me if she knew."
"I don't think she has any room to talk after tonight."
"Very good point. They were silly."
"Silly? That's the word you chose to use?"
"You didn't see them."
"So, they're going to blackmail Amy. Hmm."
"I love her, Sam."
"You do?"
"More than anything."
"Really? Wait a minute. Are we talking about Amy?"
"Amy?"
"Oh gross, Josh. Don't spit whiskey at me."
"Oh…sorry."
"Get off me!"
"What? I'm just…trying to clean you up."
"First you spit at me, then you fondle me?"
"I did not fondle! There was no fondling."
"Yeah. If you say so."
"You said I was in love with Amy. I was in shock."
"So you fondled me?"
"I DID NOT FONDLE YOU!"
"Josh, please don't yell the word fondling in Mac's. Wait a minute. You weren't talking about Amy?"
"Hell no. She's…no."
"So, you were talking about…"
"Donna, who else? I need another."
"Bartender, two more. You're in love with Donna?"
"Yes. Of course."
"Well, that makes more sense."
"How could you think I'm in love with Amy?"
"Well, you are dating her."
"I am?"
"Yes."
"Why would I do that?"
"I have no idea."
"Still, what would make you think I love her? Do I act like I love her?"
"God no. It's just that, usually, when a man says he loves someone, he's talking about the woman he's dating, or, you know, his wife."
"Married! I'm not married to her am I?"
"No! No. Calm down."
"Shit Sam, I'm on my, I don't know, thirtieth whiskey sour here; don't scare me like that. You'll give me a heart attack."
"Fourth."
"Whatever. Can you imagine being married to her?"
"Oh God no. Being married is scary enough. Being married to her would be like living with the guy from The Shining."
"Cool movie."
"Awesome even."
"They don't make them like that anymore. That movie scared the hell out of me."
"I know. We saw it together. You were afraid of that little girl we passed on the way home afterwards."
"Don't bring her up, Sam! You know how I feel about her. She was the devil."
"She was four, Josh."
"He disguises himself."
"Amy."
"What?"
"He disguises himself. Maybe he's Amy?"
"No, Satan's not that bad….Sam… Oh Sam, that's gross."
"Hey, you spit on me. I'm just returning the favor."
"Well, I guess that's fair."
"So, if you're in love with Donna, which duh… then why are you dating Satan?"
"I don't know. I should break up with her, shouldn't I?"
"You never should've dated her. I mean really, Josh."
"Hey, you slept with a prostitute. You have no room to talk."
"Oh, yes I do. Amy is much worse than a prostitute."
"I bet Laurie was good in bed."
"Very."
"Do you think you have to audition for a gig like that?"
"To be a prostitute? For whom would you audition?"
"You're grammar's still too good. Bartender, two more please."
"Good idea."
"So, CJ told me that Donna loves me."
"She did?"
"Well, she told me that I love Donna, but it's the same thing."
"Well, it's not really the same thing. Is it?"
"I guess not, no. But, that's what she was saying."
"You're not making any sense."
"I'm not?"
"None."
"You're probably right. I'm pretty drunk."
"Yes, yes you are."
"Oh, shit. Did you see that? I almost fell."
"You're gone man."
"Where?"
"What?"
"You said I'm gone. Where did I go?"
"I'm not sure."
"Ok."
"She is, you know."
"She is what?"
"In love with you. She has been for ages."
"Donna or Amy?"
"Donna."
"Really? She has?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"I have no idea."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure. I really don't know why, Josh. She can do much better than you."
"Obviously. How do you know?"
"Know what?"
"That she's in love with me."
"Everyone knows."
"I didn't know."
"Well, you're kind of stupid when it comes to women."
"Hey…"
"Mandy, Amy…"
"Alright. Enough. I need to break up with her."
"You do."
"I do what?"
"You do need to break up with her."
"I can't break up with Donna. I love her."
"Not her, her. Amy her."
"Yes. I need to break up with her."
"Yes."
"I should do it now."
"Now?"
"Yes, now. But I think I need a drink first."
"Excellent idea. Bartender, two more please. This should go well."
"Where's my cell?"
"In your pocket?"
"Yes, there it is. How did you know that?"
"You know, I'm not sure."
"Have you been in my pockets?"
"I don't think so."
"Well, stay out of there."
"Ok."
"Who am I calling, again?"
"Your girlfriend."
"Which one?"
"How many do you have?"
"Well, I have the one I have and the one I want to have."
"Oh no."
"What?"
"I'm getting drunk."
"You are? How do you know?"
"That made sense to me."
"Oh shit. You are drunk."
"I know."
"Ok, who am I calling?"
"Amy."
"Right. What's her number?"
"I don't know. Isn't she programmed into your cell?"
"Why would she be programmed into my cell?"
"Well, she is your girlfriend."
"Well, yeah, but I don't like her."
"Good point."
"My call log. She'll be on my call log."
"Yes. That was a very sober thing to say."
"It was, wasn't it?"
"You could fake being sober pretty well, I think."
"I'm amazing like that. Here it is."
"Hello?"
"Amy?"
"Yes?"
"It's Josh."
"It's 2:30am."
"No, it's Josh."
"But it's 2:30am."
"What?"
"Josh, are you drunk?"
"Sam, she wants to know if I'm drunk."
"Say no. Act sober, you can't do it drunk."
"Right. No Amy, I'm sober."
"Josh, what do you want at 2:30 in the morning."
"I want to tell you…I want…a divorce."
"No you don't Josh."
"Wait a minute Amy. Sam says that's not what I want. What do I want Sam?"
"You want to break up. You're not married."
"Right. I want to break up Amy."
"No."
"No?"
"No."
"She said no, Sam."
"Well, that was unexpected."
"What do I do now?"
"I have no idea."
"Amy, can we please break up?"
"No."
"Pretty please?"
"No."
"But, why?"
"Stop whining Josh. We're not breaking up. You don't know what you're saying."
"Sam, she says I don't know what I'm saying. I know what I'm saying, don't I?"
"Yes. You hate her. She's Satan."
"You're Satan, Amy."
"Goodnight Josh."
"But…hello? Hello? She hung up on me."
"She did?"
"Yes. What just happened Sam?"
"I have no idea."
"What now?"
"I don't know. Let's get a drink and think about it."
"Good idea. Bartender, two more please."
"Ok. So, you called Donna, broke up with her and she refused to be broken up."
"I did?"
"You didn't?"
"I broke up with Donna?"
"No, Amy."
"You said Donna."
"I did?"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"You're probably right. I'm pretty drunk."
"Yes, yes you are."
"Right. But obviously, you didn't break up with Donna, you broke up with Amy."
"Well, technically, I didn't break up with either one of them."
"Right."
"Who'd of thought?"
"Thought what?"
"That Amy really wants to go out with me?"
"How can that be?"
"I don't know. Maybe I'm as spectacular as I think I am."
"Maybe."
"Hmm."
"Hmm."
"So, what do I do now?"
"I'm not sure."
"I know what to do Sam. We'll blackmail her."
"Blackmail?"
"Yes, Donna and CJ want to blackmail her. You and I could help."
"Donna and CJ want to blackmail her?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"I told you, Donna's in love with me."
"So she wants to blackmail Amy?"
"Yes. Haven't we discussed all this?"
"I don't think so."
"Oh. Well, they called me at…what time does my watch say?"
"Let me see that. I can't tell. But it's a really nice watch."
"Thanks. It's new. Donna kept bitching about my old one."
"Women."
"I know. Why are we talking about my watch?"
"I have no idea. Weren't we talking about Donna?"
"I love to talk about Donna."
"I know you do."
"Donna and CJ called me earlier. They wanted information to blackmail Amy with."
"Really?"
"Yes, it's a secret mission."
"Who's it a secret from?"
"Me, I think."
"You?"
"I think so. And Amy too probably."
"I would think so."
"So, how are we going to help them blackmail Amy?"
"I don't know. I need to think."
"Right. You know what helps that?"
"Yes. Bartender, two more please."
"So, we're going to blackmail my girlfriend."
"Yes."
"What do we have on her?"
"I don't know. I can't think right now. I'm drunk."
"Right. Me too. I think."
"Yeah."
"Yeah?"
"Trust me."
"I do."
"Hey, you know who could get information on Amy for us?"
"Who?"
"Your friend from the FBI."
"Mike?"
"Yes."
"I don't think so."
"Why not?"
"I killed him."
"What?"
"CJ said I killed him."
"You killed him?"
"I guess so. I don't remember killing him."
"Why did you kill him?"
"Because he asked out Donna."
"He did?"
"Yes. No. Wait. I'm messing something up here."
"Which part?"
"I'm not sure."
"Josh, I could be wrong, I am pretty drunk, but I don't think you killed anyone."
"Well, that's probably for the best."
"So, if he's not dead, he could help us."
"Who?"
"Casper the friendly ghost."
"I think Casper the friendly ghost is dead. That's why he's a ghost."
"Well, he can't help us then."
"I don't think so."
"Ok. Who else could help us?"
"I don't know. Someone who…wait a minute. What do we need help with?"
"I don't remember."
"Sam, you're supposed to remember this stuff!"
"Why me?"
"Cause I'm drunk."
"Right, sorry."
"It's ok, I forgive you. Let's review."
"Right. You love Donna."
"I do. Hey, how do you know that?"
"You told me."
"I did?"
"Yes."
"When?"
"Well, I don't remember, but you must've told me, or I wouldn't know, right?"
"I guess that makes sense."
"It does?"
"Yes. I must need another drink."
"Yes. Bartender, two more please."
"She's amazing."
"The bartender's a man Josh."
"I meant Donna."
"Right. What about her?"
"She's beautiful."
"Yes. Is that what you said before?"
"I don't know. She has really long legs."
"Very long."
"They scare me a little bit."
"I can imagine."
"She's much stronger than she looks."
"I know. She's hit me before."
"Me too. She hits me a lot, Sam."
"You know who else hits me? CJ."
"Me too. What's up with that?"
"I don't know, but it's not very nice."
"No it's not."
"We should talk to her about that."
"Yes."
"We're not going to though, are we?"
"Hell no."
"Why not?"
"Because we're afraid of her."
"Right. You know who else is scary?"
"Who?"
"Your girlfriend."
"She is. I don't like her very much."
"You don't like her at all."
"Right. I should break up with her."
"Yes, you should. How?"
"I know. Maybe you could date her."
"No way Josh. You're crazy."
"Are you sure? She's pretty good in bed."
"Really?"
"Well, she's not amazing. Not like Donna."
"Donna's amazing in bed?"
"She is? How do you know? Sam, you slept with Donna?"
"No, you just said she was amazing."
"I did?"
"Yes."
"But I didn't mean in bed. I just meant that she's amazing."
"But she probably is amazing in bed, right?"
"Oh yeah, she's got to be."
"Definitely."
"Sam?"
"What?"
"You can't sleep with her Sam. I mean it. You can't."
"Ok. I won't."
"Ok. You could sleep with Amy if you want to though."
"You think she'd let me?"
"She's pretty slutty."
"Well, yes."
"There you go then."
"But, I don't want to sleep with Amy."
"You don't?"
"No. She's horrible."
"Yes she is. You know, I should break up with her."
"Yes you should."
"But how? Usually women break up with me. I don't really know how to do it."
"Well, maybe she'll break up with you."
"Maybe. I don't know. She likes to be mean to me."
"That's not very nice of her."
"She's not a nice woman, Sam."
"I'm thirsty."
"Me too. Bartender, two more please."
"So, you're going to break up with her."
"Yes."
"As soon as you know how to."
"Yes. Hey, maybe Donna could do it for me."
"Donna?"
"Yeah. She breaks appointments for me all the time."
"Yes."
"So, I'll just have her break all future appointments with Amy for me."
"That sounds like a good plan."
"It does, doesn't it?"
"Sure. Donna's a woman. She knows how this stuff goes."
"She's very smart."
"She could maybe send flowers too."
"Break up flowers?"
"Yes, they're very popular."
"They are?"
"Yes."
"Your probably right. I'm pretty drunk."
"Yes, yes you are."
"Yes."
Ok, let's have Donna break up with Amy."
"Yes. Wait. Donna and Amy aren't dating, are they?"
"No, she's breaking up with Amy for you. But…wouldn't that be something?"
"Oh yeah it would."
"Yes it would be something alright. Josh, do you think women talk about men like that?"
"That's just gross."
"Yes it is."
"Ok Sam, let's do this."
"Now?"
"Sure. We're up. Shouldn't they be up?"
"That makes sense."
"I'm calling her cell."
"Hello?"
"Donna?"
"Josh, hi!!"
"Donna, I didn't wake you up, did I?"
"No. CJ and I are very busy working on a secret mission."
"You are?"
"Yes, we're going to blackmail Amy."
"You are?"
"Yes."
"Ok. Can you do me a favor first?"
"Sure."
"Can you call her and break up with her for me?"
"Sure. What should I say?"
"What should she say Sam?"
"Is Sam there with you? Hi Sam!!"
"Donna, you're yelling."
"I am?"
"Yes."
"Sorry."
"That's ok. I like your voice."
"I like yours too."
"Donna, you're amazing."
"Thanks."
"Josh…"
"Hold on Donna. What Sam?"
"Donna has to call Amy."
"Right."
"Donna, I need you to break up with Amy for me."
"Ok. When?"
"When Sam?"
"Now."
"Now Donna. Can you call her?"
"Sure. I'll call her. What should I say?"
"Tell her I need to cancel all my appointments with her forever."
"Ok."
"Ok. Call me when you're done. Love you."
"You too. Bye."
"She's calling her now."
"You just told Donna you love her."
"I did?"
"Yes."
"I do love her you know."
"You do?"
"Yes."
"Did I know that?"
"I don't think so."
"Me either."
"What's that noise?"
"It's your cell phone."
"It is? Hello?"
"Hi, Josh?"
"Yes?"
"It's Donna."
"Hi. What's up?"
"I just called Amy."
"She just called Amy Sam."
"How'd it go?"
"Donna, how'd it go?"
"Not well."
"Why?"
"She said no."
"She did?"
"Yes."
"Sam, she said no."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"What do we do now?"
"I don't know….Donna?"
"Yes?"
"What do we do now?"
"Well, I wasn't going to tell you this Josh, but CJ and I have a plan."
"You do?"
"Yes, it's a secret mission."
"Sam, CJ and Donna have a secret mission."
"Josh!!"
"Donna, you screamed at me. What?"
"Sorry, but you can't tell anyone about the secret mission."
"It's ok, it's just Sam."
"Oh, ok. You guys better come over here right now."
"Why?"
"So we can plan the secret mission."
"What's the secret mission?"
"We're going to blackmail her."
"Excellent idea. We're on our way."