Part 3 - All four of them
"Think, Donna."
"I'm trying."
"This is very important."
"I can't remember."
"Come on, how many can you have?"
"I'm trying, I'm trying. Be quiet for a minute."
"We don't have much time."
"Four. Danny Myers. Four."
"Four? That's not bad for one night."
"I know."
"Ok, so you get 3 points for that one."
"Alright!"
"That gives you a total of 26."
"What does that mean?"
"Let's see. It's very hard to read while the room moves like this. Ok. '24-29. You often fool people, seeming sweet and shy, but you have tricks up your sleeve. Sex isn't something you talk about, but get you in the bedroom, and your inhibitions suddenly disappear. No one would guess by looking at you that you like to experiment, but given the chance, there's little you won't try.' Wow. I'm impressed."
"Cozmo is amazing. That is just like me."
"They know their stuff…did you hear that?"
"What?"
"That tapping sound."
"I think someone's here!"
"Shh. Quick, hide the evidence." Donna got up and looked around the room, panicking. She took one large drink, finishing her glass of wine, poured CJ's into a plant in the corner, then put both glasses, the bottle and the magazine behind the plant.
"Ok, we're in the clear," she whispered to CJ who walked to the door and looked through the peephole. When she opened the door, Sam and Josh came stumbling into the apartment wearing sunglasses.
"What took you so long, and did anyone see you come in here?"
Josh looked around the hallway, shut the door and whispered, "We were very careful. We even had the cab drop us off around the corner."
"But then, we got lost and went to the wrong apartment; you know, a few times," said Sam as he took off his sunglasses and walked towards the living room. At the same time, Donna walked into the foyer, collided with him and fell on the floor. Sam laughed so hard that he fell on the floor next to her.
She crawled over to him and asked, "Sam, do you know why you're here?"
"Josh told me."
"What did he tell you?"
"I can't remember everything, but I know it was something about Amy and you two being in love."
"I'm not in love with Amy. CJ, I'm not in love with Amy, right?" The entire night has been a blur, but she didn't remember being a lesbian.
"No, you're in love with Josh."
"See Sam, I'm in love with Josh, not Amy." She pushed herself off the floor and walked over to Josh. "Are you the one in love with Amy?"
"No. She's not nice to me the way you are."
"I might seem nice, but get me in the bedroom and my inhibitions disappear." They stood very close to each other, both of them swaying, almost dancing to music that wasn't there.
"Really?"
"Really."
"I have to break up with her."
Sam tried a few times to get off the floor, finally crawling over to the table and climbing up a chair. "We already tried that, remember."
Josh looked very seriously at Donna and started whining. "I don't like her, what am I gonna do?"
"I know!" yelled CJ as she walked into the living room. "Let's have a drink and discuss our options." They all agreed and followed her from the foyer into the living room. Josh and Donna sat the couch, very close to each other, and Sam sat on the love seat. CJ started looking around the room. "Where did the wine go?" she asked Donna.
"I'm not sure. It was right there earlier. Did you move it?"
"No. Did you?"
"I don't think so. I guess I could have." She turned towards Josh. "Did you drink the wine?"
"No, we had whisky sours."
"Several of them," Sam said from his seat as he took off his shoes and tried to lie down. "This is a really short couch. How am I supposed to lay down on this couch?" He bunched up his knees and lay on his side, propping his head up on the arm on one end of the love seat. "This isn't comfortable. Someone should switch with me."
"Yeah, because after you told us it's uncomfortable, we're all dying to trade you places," said CJ as she continued looking around the room for the missing wine. "Listen, Spanky. The shortest person has to sit there. That makes the most sense." She looked over at Donna. "That does make the most sense, doesn't it?"
Donna lay down on the long couch with her feet in Josh's lap. On instinct, he began rubbing her feet, letting his hands wonder mid-calf. "I think so. I'm pretty drunk though."
"You are?" Josh just asked her, amazed at such information.
"CJ, I'm drunk, right?"
"Yes, we both are. Who stole the wine? We were drinking wine, right?"
"I think so."
"Forget the wine, let's get down to business." She paused and looked around. "Can someone please tell me what the business at hand is?"
"You don't know?" asked Josh.
"I can't remember. Donna, why did we have them come over here?"
"I wanted to see Josh." She looked up from her place on the couch down at the other end at Josh. He looked back and smiled. "There he is."
"You're beautiful. Have I ever told you that?"
She sat up, scooted closer to him on the couch and whispered, "No. But sometimes I catch you looking at me, so I already know you think so."
"Amy." Everyone looked over at Sam, startled at the word that came out of nowhere.
"What about Amy?" asked CJ.
"We're here because of Amy."
"Right," CJ said, then looked at Josh. "Josh, we don't mean to put you on the spot like this, but we don't like her. She's mean and hateful and…
"She's Satan."
"Yes Josh, she is Satan. We think you should break up with her."
"It's not an intervention, CJ," said Sam as he once again tried lying down on the loveseat.
"It's not?"
"No. He tried to break up with her tonight. But she said no. Can you believe that?"
She looked over at Josh. "She said no?"
"To me too," added Donna as she lay back down on the couch, this time with her head in Josh's lap.
Josh looked down at her and put a hand in her hair. "You have the softest most beautifulest hair in the whole world." She smiled up at him.
"What do you mean 'you too'?" asked Sam. "You're dating her too?"
"No. I called her tonight and tried to break up for Josh."
"Right, I remember, what happened exactly?"
"I called and told her….something. What did I tell her CJ?"
"You told her that Josh needed to cancel all future appointments with her."
"Right. She asked why. What did I say then?"
"You told her that Josh hates her."
"That was fun."
"Then I yelled into the talker thing that everyone hates her."
"The talker thing?" asked Josh. CJ pointed to the phone, and he nodded.
"But then, she said no and hung up on me," Donna concluded.
"See, I told you she's Satan," said Josh.
Sam sat up, obviously confused. "Ok, let's clarify. Who in this room is dating Amy?" Everyone looked around but no one raised a hand.
Finally Donna tapped Josh on the knee. "You are, Josh. You need to raise your hand."
"But I don't want to date Amy, I want to date you," he whined.
"You can't," said CJ. "Leo would kill you. And so would someone else, but Donna and I aren't sure whom yet. Just raise your hand." He pouted for a few seconds, then slowly took his hand out of Donna's hair and raised it over his head.
"Ok," said Sam. "So, Josh is dating Amy. No one else is dating Amy. Correct?" Everyone nodded. "I think we should write this stuff down so we don't forget again."
"Good idea," said Donna. "I'll be the writer downer. CJ, do you have any paper?"
"I don't know. Maybe." She and Donna got up and started looking through cabinets. "Here's a marker."
"Good. Now we just need something to write on."
"I know," said CJ. "Let's write on the wall, so we can all see it."
"That's an excellent idea! That way we can all see without passing around a pad of paper. It'll be like a big dry-erase board." Donna grabbed the marker from CJ and ran to a big open space on the wall. "Ok, Josh is dating Amy. We all agree on this?" Everyone nodded. She turned to the wall and wrote:
1. Josh is dating Amy
"We need a title," CJ said and took over Donna's seat on the couch. "And you…keep your hands out of my hair."
"A title?" Donna asked, somewhat confused.
"Yes."
Sam stood up. "A title should be something to inspire us. To make us reach further and try harder. A title is possibly the most important part of any document. We need an amazing title."
"Amy Gardner: Sabotage," said Josh.
"Not bad. How 'bout 'Taking out Amy'?" CJ added.
Sam looked at her. "No, that sounds like he wants to taker her out on a date. Not take her out, take her out."
"Right."
"The Secret Mission to Blackmail Amy Gardner."
"It's too long. Plus, too much evidence. We'd be goners if anyone ever saw that."
Josh stood up. "Amy Gardner: Satan."
"Yes, I like it." Sam and Josh shook hands as if they had formulated the answer to world hunger.
Once they all agreed that "Amy Gardner: Satan" would be the title, Donna wrote it down above number 1.
Josh started mumbling, "I hate Amy."
"I know Josh. That's why were here. We're going to get you out of this mess." Sam stopped talking and lifted his head, looking at everyone. "That is why we're here, right?"
Donna looked at Josh and then Sam. "Yes," she said hesitantly.
"Really?" asked CJ.
"I think so."
"You're probably right. I'm pretty drunk."
"Trust me."
"Ok, we better write that down too."
"We should write down that you're drunk?" asked Josh.
"That doesn't really fit in with the title," added Sam.
"No, not that. We all know I'm drunk. We should write down why we're here."
"Right. We're here because I hate Amy."
"And because you love Donna."
"I do, I really do."
"Ok," said Donna. "Josh hates Amy and loves me. Do we all agree on that?" They all shook their heads. "Ok, I'm writing it down."
"Wait a minute!" Josh screamed.
"Too loud. I have neighbors. At least, I think I have neighbors."
"Sorry. I didn't mean to be loud, but…does Donna love me?"
"Yes, of course she does."
"Let's try this again. Josh hates Amy and loves me. I love Josh. Is that better?" Everyone nodded again and Donna started wrote it down.
AMY GARDNER: SATAN
1. Josh is dating Amy
2. Josh hates Amy
3. Josh loves Donna
4. Donna loves Josh
"Still, we haven't figured out how to blackmail her," said CJ.
"We're blackmailing her?" Josh asked as if this was the first he'd heard of it.
"I think so."
"Oh, is that legal?"
"I'm not the lawyer, you are."
"Well yeah, but…Sam is that legal?"
"Not so much."
"Then we need to be careful." Everyone agreed.
"I say we call Mike Casper and see if he has anything on her."
"No Sam. I don't want him over here." Josh said adamantly.
"Why?"
"Because he's in love with Donna."
Donna looked Josh, startled. "He is?"
"That's what CJ said."
She looked over at CJ. "Is that true?"
"I have no idea. But I don't lie, so if I said he is, he must be."
"Well, that's interesting."
Josh stared at her. "No it not. It's not interesting. You're not allowed to date Mike Casper Donna. You're not."
"Ok, I won't."
"You won't?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Because of number 4." Josh looked up at the wall and smiled.
"Oh, ok then." She smiled back and sat on his lap.
"So, if we don't use Mike, how do we get information on her?" asked Sam.
"Well, Josh went to college with her," said CJ.
"Yes. Josh, what do you know about her?"
"She dated my roommate."
"What else?"
"She…"
"Yes?"
"She…Oh! She was expelled…no, that wasn't her."
"Come on Josh. We need something."
"She…well, she never really opens her mouth when she talks."
"Good, what else?"
"Her hair almost always looks greasy."
"Yes…"
"Oh, and her voice is very monotone!"
"It is."
"Wait. We need to be writing this stuff down," said Sam.
"But I'm comfortable," said Donna from Josh's lap.
"Me too," he whispered in her ear.
"I'll do the writing for a while."
"Thanks CJ," said Donna as she laid her head back down on Josh's chest.
"No problem, you two just snuggle."
"Snuggle?" asked Donna.
"Yes."
"Like the bear?"
"The bear?"
"The little bear on TV."
"What are you talking about?"
"The little bear in the commercial."
"For what?"
"Snuggle."
"Snuggle?"
"Yes."
"Snuggle?"
"It's a…soap?"
"Laundry detergent," said Josh.
"Fabric Softener," said Sam.
"Really?" asked CJ again. "I've never heard of such a thing."
"Really," said Sam
"And they have a bear?"
"Yes."
"And why do we care?"
"Because…I don't know."
"Ok then."
"Why are you standing up?" asked Josh.
"I don't know."
"We need to write the things about Angie," supplied Donna with her eyes closed and her fingers tracing circles on Josh's chest.
Sam sat up, confused. "Who?"
"Angie."
"Amy," said Josh.
"Amy, right. We need to write the things about Amy," said CJ as she picked up the marker and walked to the wall.
"But, I'm the writer downer," Donna pouted.
"Ok, you write, I'll sit. The room doesn't spin as much when I sit."
"Ok," said Donna with a smile. She turned to Josh. "I'll be right back. Don't let anyone sit here."
"Only you."
"Oh, that's so sweet."
"You're amazing."
"So are you."
"Did you know that I love you?"
"Yes."
"How do you know?"
"It's number 3."
He looked back at the wall. "Right."
"Hello. Writer downer?"
"Oh, sorry Sam, I'm coming." She stood up. "I'll be right back," she whispered to Josh.
"I'll be waiting."
Donna picked up the marker. "What am I writing down about Angie?"
"Amy."
"Right, Amy."
"Her…something about her hair."
"And her voice."
"Yes, her voice is monotone."
"Good CJ. Number 5. Amy's voice is monotone. Right?" Everyone nodded and she wrote it down.
"Number 6. Amy's hair…what about it."
"I don't like it," said Josh.
"It looks like she never washes it," added CJ.
"Gross," said Sam. "You're dating someone who doesn't bathe?"
"Not for long."
"Number 6. Amy doesn't bathe." Everyone nodded again and Donna wrote it down. "Anything else?"
"You know what I hate about her?" asked CJ.
"Everything?"
"Well, yes, but…"
"What?"
"She doesn't open her mouth when she talks."
"You're right, she doesn't. Why didn't I think of that? Donna, let's write that down," said Josh.
"Number 7. Amy doesn't open her mouth when she talks." Again, everyone nodded
and Donna began to write. "What else?"
"She threw my phone in her pot of boiling food stuff."
"What?"
"She got mad at me and threw my phone in her pot."
"She did?" Sam was shocked.
"That's why I had to get you a new phone?"
"Yes."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I thought…I don't know."
"I'm writing that down. Number 8. She threw Josh's phone into a pot of…what was it?"
"I don't know. But it didn't smell good."
"So, she can't cook either?" asked Sam.
"Nope."
"Number 8. Amy can't cook." Donna looked around at everyone's approval and wrote it down.
"What about the phone?" asked CJ.
"She threw it in something."
"She destroyed it?" asked Sam.
"Yes."
"She destroyed government property."
"Yes, good Sam. Number 9. Amy destroyed government property." After a round of yes's, Donna wrote it down. Then she stood back and reviewed the list.
AMY GARDNER: SATAN
1. Josh is dating Amy
2. Josh hates Amy
3. Josh loves Donna
4. Donna loves Josh
5. Amy's voice is monotone
6. Amy doesn't bathe
7. Amy doesn't open her mouth when she talks
8. Amy can't cook
9. Amy destroyed government property
"Sam. I'm no lawyer, but it seems to me that number 6 alone should be grounds for a break-up," said Donna as she looked at the list.
"I could represent you," he said to Josh.
"Do you think this is enough?"
"I think so."
"Should we take her to court?"
"We might have to, but first, let's try to settle out of court."
"Ok, let's call her lawyer."
"Right now?"
"We're up. I'd guess everyone's up."
"You're probably right."
"Usually."
"Who's her lawyer?"
"Oh," Josh said defeated. "I don't know."
"Let's call her and find out," suggested CJ.
"But, she already hung up on me once."
"Me too," added Donna.
"I'll call her," said Sam. "She can't hang up on your lawyer."
"You're very smart."
"Why, thank you CJ."
"You're welcome. Now, call her." They all watched as he picked up Josh's cell phone and scrolled through to her number.
"Hello?"
"Amy, we need the name of your lawyer."
"What?"
"We need the name of your lawyer."
"Who is this?"
"Sam."
"Sam, it's…4:00 in the morning."
"So."
"So, I'm sleeping."
"So."
"So, I'm hanging up now."
"No you're not. We're trying to settle this out of court, but if we have to we'll sue."
"You'll what?"
"We have grounds Amy. Josh is getting the break-up…and the apartment."
"The apartment?" She asked, sitting up in her bed and starting to wake-up.
"We don't live together Sam," whispered Josh.
"Oh. Never mind. He's willing to let you keep your apartment. But he's getting the break-up. We have plenty of evidence."
"Evidence?"
"That you're a bad girlfriend."
"Really?" She was wide-awake and pissed off now.
"Yes."
"Like what?"
"Like… well," he looked at the wall. "For one thing, he hates you. For another, he's in love with Donna, and she's in love with him. You have a monotone voice, you don't bathe, you don't open your mouth when you speak, you can't cook, you destroyed government property, and we think you might be Satan."
"Yes! You go, Sam. Wahoo!!" Josh, CJ and Donna were cheering him on.
"Excuse me? What the hell?"
"We can get more if we have to."
"You son-of-a-bitch, let me talk to Josh."
"What?"
"Put Josh on the phone. Now."
"Hold on." He covered the phone with his hand. "She wants to talk to you."
"She does?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"She didn't say. As your lawyer, I don't recommend it."
"Give me the phone," said CJ. "I'll talk to her." Sam handed CJ the phone.
"Satan?"
"Who the fuck is this?"
"Don't you swear at me, you little bitch."
"CJ?"
"Yes."
"You're in on this too?"
"Of course. You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us."
"Put Josh on phone, CJ."
"I need to ask you something first."
"What?"
"Why don't you open your mouth when you talk?"
"What?"
"Why don't you…"
"I heard you CJ. Put Josh on the fucking phone."
"Fine." She handed Josh the phone.
"Satan?"
"Stop calling me Satan."
He turned to everyone in the room. "She says we can't call her Satan anymore."
"Be strong Josh. Don't let her push you around," said Sam.
"Right." He nodded. "I'll call you Satan if I want to…Satan." He looked back at Sam, who nodded and gave him thumbs up.
"Josh, it is 4 o'clock in the morning. What the hell is going on?"
"I'm suing you for a break-up. Sam is representing me, and CJ and Donna are helping me gather evidence."
"And…you're drunk."
"Absolutely."
"So, you have no idea what you're doing."
"Yes, I do. I have a list. It's on the wall."
"What?"
"A list. Pay attention."
"Josh, I'm so sick of your shit."
"My shit?"
"Your drunken phone calls, your idiot friends, your stupid assistant…"
"Don't call her that. Ever."
"It's ok for you to call me Satan, but I can't call her stupid?"
"You are Satan, she's not…she's amazing."
"Amazing."
"Yes."
"Fuck you," she said and hung up the phone.
"What happened?" asked Sam.
"She said 'fuck you' and hung up."
"Does that mean you broke-up?"
"I'm not sure."
"Give me the phone."
"You're calling her back?" asked Donna.
"I need to know if we settled out of court," he said as he dialed again.
"Well, that makes sense."
"What now?" Amy screamed into the phone.
"Do we have an agreement?"
"Sam?"
"Yes. Do we have an agreement? Are you broken-up?"
"Yes, we have an agreement. Now leave me the fuck alone."
"Fine. Goodnight Satan," he said and hung up.
"Well?" asked Josh.
"We have an agreement," said Sam with a smile.
"This calls for a toast!" said Donna.
"But we can't find the wine," said CJ.
"Why not?"
"We lost it."
"No we didn't. I hid it behind the plant earlier."
"You did?"
"Yes, you told me to hide the evidence," said Donna as she got the glasses, bottle and magazine out from behind the plant.
"Right, I forgot." She got two more glasses from the kitchen and poured the four of them a glass.
"It's kind of sad," said Donna as she sat back in Josh's lap.
"What's sad?" asked Josh.
"We don't get to blackmail her now."
"Well," said CJ. "Look at the bright side."
"What's the bright side?"
"We still get to blackmail whoever would kill you and Josh for dating."
"Right. We just have to figure out who that is."
"Yes. But let's do that tomorrow. I'm too tired to think tonight."