A/N: This was written on a challenge set by a user in the livejournal community remusxsirius. The challenge was to set whatever playlist you use (I use Winamp), and set it to shuffle. Then, use a line or two from the first fifteen songs that play and use them to create a fic, however because this is in a Remus/Sirius community, the ship has to be the one just mentioned. I must say, this was quite hard! Ahaha, magic.
Disclaimer: I do not own any characters mentioned, nor any of the songs mentioned.
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There was a guy…
Remus Lupin was not like the rest of his peers, by no means. He was quiet, but popular. He was bookish, but well liked among girls. He was sixteen, but already going grey. And he was a werewolf, but accepted at Hogwarts (although not many people knew that). But there was one thing that molded him into the crowd: he had a crush on a certain Sirius Black. But unlike many, he couldn't tell him or anyone else that. Mostly because Sirius Black was his friend and their relationship was purely platonic. And mostly because Sirius didn't swing that way, or so Remus thought because whenever the topic of homosexuality would spring up in the many late-night talks he and his other two friends- James and Peter- shared in their dorm, Sirius would start giggling wildly and bury his head in his pillow. This amused Remus to such an extent he would have to leave the room and calm himself down before returning. However, the animagus' amusement over the idea of two boys (or two girls, as the case may be) getting at it never stopped him from proclaiming his undying love for Remus, or James, or Peter, or any other boy was around him at the breakfast table on Valentine's Day. The previous year it was Remus' turn to soak in Sirius' rendition of 'A Bicycle Built for Two'. The werewolf was slightly confused as to why Sirius decided to sing to boys and not girls, but he didn't let it faze him too much as he hid his head in his hands and tried not to let anyone see his crimson blush. Despite the fact Remus loved Sirius he could not hide the shame of being associated with him sometimes.
Gimme some room,
I'm coming through…
It was the week before Christmas when Remus decided to do something over his adoration for the boy. The crush (or obsessive infatuation when it was getting close to the full moon, but Remus had no idea why) was leading into its fifth year. After asking Peter how long a crush should go for- to which came the answer of 'around about two years would be pushing it'- he decided it had to come to an end, and the best way to do that, Remus decided, was to tell Sirius. It wouldn't be an easy task, he knew that, but Gryffindors were supposed to be brave, and after putting up with transformations, the boy decided telling his best friend for over six years that he was madly in love with him should be a breeze. Right? Right.
The holidays had started by the time the decision was made, and the adrenaline of telling Sirius what was on his mind was running through his veins like fire. Having been sitting up in the dorm for the better half of the day, he decided that if he put it off for any longer he would lose what confidence he had. So more or less marching out of the dorm, he rushed down the staircase and into the common room.
'Padfoot?' he called as he landed at the foot of the stairs, 'I need to tell you something important.'
It starts with one thing,
I don't know why,
It doesn't even matter how hard you try…
'Oh, really?' came a reply from his bespectacled friend, James. All blood drained from his face as Remus realised there were more or less a dozen other people in the room along with Remus and the object of his affection. Sirius was sitting next to Peter, James opposite him, all three of them playing a game of chess. James was losing, surprisingly, and Sirius was lapping up the attention from two females, a year below them. Peter appeared to be the only one focusing on the game now.
'Yeah…' Remus trailed off, biting his lower lip as he walked over hesitantly.
'Then go ahead, Moony,' came Sirius' reply as he turned to his friend. Remus' heart skipped a beat as he stared at him, his throat closing up. What was he thinking? Was he insane for doing this? Sirius wouldn't care, he had his girls and his chess and the pleasant ignorance for knowing that if he bothered to take his head out of his arse for just a moment he might realise that all he wanted in a life partner was currently standing in front of him.
'Oh, you seem to be busy,' Remus replied feebly, motioning towards the board game (James' queen was currently being throttled by Peter's in such a way Remus looked away) and the two fifth-years. 'I'll tell you later.'
'No, no!' Sirius cried as the werewolf turned away. He pushed Peter off the seat he was upon, the blonde landing with an indignant wail, and patted the cushioned chair. 'Sit, Peter can sit on your lap.'
Remus pulled a face, but as he watched Wormtail push another chair close to the chessboard, he crossed the short distance and sat where Peter once was.
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself,
Through living in denial…
'So what is it you wanted to tell me, 'ey?' Sirius asked as he hunched forward to Remus, his eyebrows raised. A shiver ran through Remus' spine, and his breath came out in a shudder. Forcing his heart to slow down and his palms to stop sweating, he shook his head, and looked towards the game.
'Oh, nothing really,' he lied, already wincing at the pathetic sounds of his words. He could sense Sirius detecting it.
'You said it was important when you came rushing in here,' Sirius shot at him. The girls had left by now, much to Remus' delight, but he chose not to express it. He had wanted the common room to be empty- heck; he hadn't even expected Sirius to be there- but that was a bit too much to ask. The only time the room was empty was in the middle of the night and there weren't any tests or assignments due soon. And considering it was the Christmas holidays, it was going to have at least one person in it at any given time. There was quite a large crowd staying back this year, too, so it was even more probable.
'Yes, well, it wasn't really,' the boy replied with a small shrug, 'I just wanted it to sound that way.' He laughed nervously, and hid his mouth with his hand. He focused his eyes upon the game- James' pawn was smashing one of Peter's pawns over the head- but he felt Sirius' upon his back. Sirius was the world's best human lie detector, according to Remus, but according to James, Remus was just a terrible liar when it came to most things.
He felt Sirius lean close to him and hiss in his ear 'Tell me now or I'll tell Snape you want to marry him… and hand feed him peeled grapes'.
Remus whipped around, lips parted. It was an ongoing joke between the four boys- each one trying to gross the next out with doing something completely horrendous with the Slytherin boy- and Remus decided to play along.
'You would not!' Remus replied with an equally low hiss, 'That's evil!'
'I am evil incarnate,' Sirius replied coolly. 'Now tell me.'
Adrenaline began to pump through Remus' veins once more. James and Peter were absorbed in their game and everyone else in the common room were doing their own things. Taking a deep breath, Remus plunged in headfirst.
'I love you.'
Now that somebody knows the truth…
It was three, simple words, but Sirius' reaction took much longer than the time it took to say it: confusion, disturbance, surprise and then humour.
'Oh, yeah, right, whatever,' Sirius snickered, waving a hand at him. James looked up, over his glasses, but soon let out a yelp as his king got checkmated. A curse sprung from the boy who promptly threw Peter to the ground. As a small fight ensured, Remus, who felt that he was about to pee his pants, slowly spoke.
'I love you,' he replied, anxiously, his knuckles turning white, 'I have… for a long, long time. It's been almost five years now.'
A strange sound came from Sirius who had his eyes trained on the other boy. 'What are you… gay?'
Remus shrugged. People were gathering around James and Peter now, and despite the crowd, he stayed where he was. 'Maybe,' he replied after slight thought, 'I've never really liked anyone else. So I might be. Who knows, I might be asexual and you just slipped through one day and I'm still stuck in that mind frame, but…'
Whistled, stomped and stamped on the floor,
Yelling, screaming, begging for more…
He ended up trailing off. Standing, he gave Sirius a look, and shrugged. The slightly taller boy rose to his feet, and when Remus walked in the opposite direction of his squabbling friends, Sirius followed.
'Moony, what… what are you telling me?'
Becoming somewhat frustrated at his friend's incompetence, he forced his hands into fists and spun on his heel.
'I'm telling you- ' he began, his voice raised. The room seemed to grow quiet but after a pause, the volume began to increase. It appeared as though Peter had kicked James in the stomach. Normally both Remus and Sirius would be concerned but they had their own discussion to sort out. 'I'm telling you, Sirius Black, that I love you. As in, if I could, I would stick my tongue down your throat right this moment.'
Sirius shook his head, a hand on his forehead. Remus crossed his arms over his chest, and shifted his weight. He was still shaking from fright, none of those emotions had disappeared, but if he stood confidently, maybe he would feel some of it.
'What's wrong, Padfoot?' he asked, his words tinged with sarcasm. Sirius appeared to take no heed to it, though.
'I just don't know what to do with that news right now. It's not everyday that one of my best friends tells me that he loves me. What am I supposed to do?'
Remus let out a groan- for whatever reason, he didn't know. 'Tell me you love me!' he yelled, arms raised over his head. 'Tell me you'll go out with me! Tell me you would give your life me!' He looked directly at Sirius, desperation shifting on his face. 'Goddamit, Padfoot, tell me you love me…'
Time to give them something fun,
They'll talk about for years to come…
The common room had grown uneasily quiet once again. It was general knowledge that Remus rarely, if ever, raised his voice, and if the odd occasion did happen when he did, it was generally something quite important. Remus could feel ten pairs of eyes upon him, not counting Sirius'. Swallowing a lump in his throat, the prefect gave a quick look around the room and forced himself to make himself sound important.
'Stop looking or I'll take a hundred points off Gryffindor,' he snapped irritably.
'Remus, you can't do that!'
'James, shut up or I will,' Remus replied to his friend who had cried out somewhere underneath Peter. There was a lengthy pause in which the students began to go back to what they were previously doing and Sirius shifted awkwardly in his current position.
'Christ, Moony,' he mumbled just loud enough for Remus to hear, 'You really… feel that?'
Remus sighed, and nodded. 'Oh, yes.'
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head…
'So… why haven't you told me until now?' Sirius asked, an anxious tone to his voice. Remus could only shrug, his hands shoved deep down into his pockets.
'Why did I tell you now? I don't know.' Remus replied ambiguously. Sirius stared blankly at him, clearly confused. The werewolf was going to elaborate, but decided against it. The only answer he had was that he felt somewhat confident when he had said it, and all traces of said confidence were slipping away like water through his fingers. Emotions were whirling around inside of him and he couldn't grasp on one for long enough to make something from it. Heck, even confusion couldn't even sum it up and that was such a versatile emotion. If one was not sure what they felt, they could simply call it confusion. But Remus wasn't feeling confusion, he was feeling something much, much more deeper than that. Something so deep, Remus couldn't put his finger on it. And whatever it was, it was beginning to make him annoyed.
'Look, Moony, mate,' Sirius said, his voice strained. He was obviously trying to keep up his usual moderately calm exterior, and was failing miserably. 'Why don't we continue this conversation outside? I mean, outside the common room. As much as I know you don't like it, people are looking at us… specifically you… and… I know how much you hate being in the spotlight.'
At the end of his sentence, he threw Remus one of his smiles- one of his smiles that made Remus weak at the knees, and made his heart go pitter-patter.
'Come on,' the animagus said lightly, 'This isn't exactly the best place to continue this.'
What is important is the light,
I'd like to stay here a bit more…
It was difficult for Remus to move from the spot he seemed to have planted himself in. He would have much preferred to stay where he was, but if Sirius said to go… he would go. It was such a sudden change in him. One minute he was giving a faux assured attitude and the next he was back to his generally quiet self, allowing others to lead the way. Remus wasn't a follower, he just disliked being thrown into the spotlight and have people gawking at him.
He tottered after Sirius, who had pushed the portrait open, and was waiting for Remus to go through the hole in the wall. It was very peculiar for Sirius to do that- to be the gentlemen and allow others through before him, but Sirius could be just full of surprises. It was one of the things Remus loved about him. Sirius could be a total ass one-minute and be ready to take the shirt off his back the next. Of course, this was only for his closest and bestest friends, but Remus was one of his closest and bestest friends (or so he liked to think).
If it stayed I'd never leave it,
If that turned around I'd grieve it,
The special dirty things that we used to talk about.
I mean that loving you is strange and adored by me throughout…
When Sirius finally exited the common room, he immediately grabbed Remus by the elbow and more or less dragged him down the length of the corridor. Remus could hear the Fat Lady giggle behind them, which tweaked at Remus' already up-in-the-air emotions.
'Sirius, where on Earth are you leading me?' Remus cried out behind the object of his affection. He heard Sirius mumble something in front of him, his hand still grasped around his elbow. He struggled a little bit, and once Sirius realised Remus wasn't fond of being pulled around like that, let go. Sirius continued to lead him down the corridor however, and after several moments, Remus realised Sirius was just wandering.
'Padfoot!' Remus called, dragging his feet as he forced himself behind his friend. 'Where the hell are we going?'
Sirius paused, and turned around, hands in his pockets. 'I dunno… I was actually thinking.'
Pursing his lips together, Remus poked the floor with the toe of his shoe. 'Oh, really? About what, may I ask?'
'You,' Sirius replied immediately, 'Us. Why you love me. Um… Why do you love me?'
Remus gave him a fleeting glance, going over the question in his head. It was a good question, and Sirius deserved an answer. But what could he tell him? What answer could he possibly give? There was so many reasons, each, to the outsider, seeming more stupid than the last. But to Remus each and every way was such a probably reason, simply because it was Sirius.
And I still find it so hard,
To say what I need to say…
He could tell Sirius that it was the way he would push his hair back in class when they were in the middle of a test and Remus just knew Sirius was musing over a difficult question. Or he could tell him that it was the way he woke up in the morning, like as if he had just stepped out of a cyclone. Or they way he would grin mischievously before doing something especially nasty to Snape.
Or maybe he could answer by saying it was the way he would, almost as a ritual, every Tuesday night at dinner, he would burp the alphabet. Or when he grabs the Snitch off James during lunchtime and proceed to be chased by the said boy for a good half-hour. Then there was the way he would curl into a heap afterwards, sweaty and dirty, and just laugh and laugh until Remus and Peter joined in although it was such an old act.
But then there were the things that Sirius did that were just… Sirius. Like the way when he was confused he would stare blankly, his lips parted, and his hands always managed to find their way into his pockets. Or when he was sleeping he would curl into a fetal position, his right leg always kicking at the sheets when he was dreaming. Or when he was singing he could never hit middle C and was always either to flat or sharp. Or when he was at a loss for words his fingers would always twitch by his sides and his left eye would twitch in time.
And lastly there were the things Sirius did for Remus. Like whenever he had a nasty dream Sirius would sit up with him and wait for him to go back to sleep, although that generally took up to two hours and Sirius always looked a wreck in the morning. And sometimes he would force Remus to bed before an exam and tell him he would only pass with flying colours if he slept for two hours instead of extremely flying colours. And Sirius would always let Remus have first serves of the hot potatoes at dinner because Remus just loved hot potatoes. And Sirius would always force Remus into his lap on Sunday afternoons and pull out his gray hair, although everyone in the common room could see.
How could Sirius know these things meant so much to Remus? It's not like Remus did anything exceptionally caring for Sirius. He was just good ol' Moony and just kind of plodded along like Peter when James got one of his midnight schemes and forced the other three Marauders out of bed.
I guess that we were seasons out of time…
'I'm sorry, Sirius,' he whispered, 'I can't tell you why. It's… it's just stupid reasons. Like when you snuffle in your sleep or… or when you laugh like an idiot at something ridiculous. Remember that one time we were eating spaghetti and Peter's dinner spilled over his lap? Yeah… And you just laughed and laughed and even when he was all cleaned up and James had smacked you over the head several times. I just… love things like that about you.'
Sirius stared, his fingers twitching by his side, his left eye doing the same. Remus flushed, and wrapped his hand around his neck.
'And remember the beginning of last year? Dumbledore had just stood up and greeted the school and first-years, and he started with 'Good evening' and you replied loudly with 'Good evening Professor Dumbledore' like you were in primary school, and everyone just stared at you? Oh, gods, I couldn't stop laughing the entire time and it was so quiet and I'm just cracking up in my seat…'
Sirius was grinning crookedly, the both of them laughing softly. 'I kept nudging you in the sides,' Sirius joined in, 'And James kept going "oh my god look at Remus" and Peter was just sitting there telling us to be quiet…'
Remus nodded, his eyes downcast. 'I never meant to fall in love with you… I think… I think I just did because after you guys found out… Oh, Merlin, you were all so nice to me and… and you especially, Sirius, I think you took it a lot better than the others… And everything you've done for me, and sometimes just being there… I… I never meant to…'
Sirius' smile had disappeared and he just stared at him, hands in his pockets. 'Hn…'
'I don't expect you to understand…'
So darlin' if you're wonderin',
Why I've got you here tonight…
There was a lengthy pause between the two, Remus' mind drifting somewhere in between memories and the present. After several minutes of contemplation, he lifted his head and found Sirius staring at him, sucking on his lower lip. Remus had seen this look before: it was his ultra-nervous, extra-worried look. He'd only seen it once before and that was after The Prank That Turned Out Wrong. Sirius had pulled it when basically everyone close to him, Dumbledore included, had turned their back on him. It still haunted Remus occasionally but when Sirius had, defeated, done all he could to win back Remus, James and Peter's friendship he had stopped pulling it. And now Sirius was pulling it again.
'Pads?' Remus asked, uncertain, 'What's wrong?'
'I was just wondering what's gonna happen after all this?'
'Sorry?'
'Well,' Sirius started, his hands linked behind his back, 'We've been friends for such a long time… And… Well, you've never done anything to get… close to me, or at least I hope you haven't. You haven't… well, molested me or anything' Sirius laughed nervously at this, 'But… Gods, this is hard…'
Remus nodded, and hugged himself, watching Sirius, concern still evident in his eyes. 'Then don't try. If something's difficult to do, it's not worth doing. That's what you say, isn't it?'
Sirius gave a small, crooked grin, before letting out a loud sigh. 'Okay. Start from the top why don't I?'
Remus nodded, allowing Sirius to continue.
'Well, when I was dragging you here, I was thinking. About you, like I previously said. Anyway, I really have no idea what to think right now, and I have a feeling you're about the same right now. So, if I begin to ramble, you'll understand.
First off, I'm not going to get you to change what you feel for me. That'd be stupid, and I can't anyway so I'm not even gonna bother. Secondly, because everyone in the common right now heard at least part of our conversation, if you want I'll try to stop any rumours starting because you don't deserve that and people for some freaky reason actually listen to me. Surprise, surprise, Sirius Black has charisma. So if you worried about that for the slightest reason, there you go.' Sirius paused to take a breath, his cheeks turning crimson. Remus' heart only swelled in his chest, another reason to fall in love with Sirius added to his list. Sirius stood up for Remus and that was the best feeling in the world. He was about to speak when Sirius cut him off.
I'd like to fall asleep to the beat of you breathing
in a room near a truck stop on a highway somewhere…
'Look, I just want to get this off my chest because if I don't now I never will. Um…' he cleared his throat, his tongue running over his lips. 'I don't know if I love you. I mean, I've always considered girls to be the only thing on the agenda. Kissing other blokes was just… ew, don't go there, you know what I mean?'
Remus nodded, patiently.
'Well… all the same, mostly because it's getting near Christmas and I'd rather have the mistletoe rashes go away, I'm… willing to give this a go.'
Remus stared blankly, a small 'huh?' escaping his lips.
'Give this a go. You know, between us. Go out, whatever, become… boyfriend… er, boyfriend. Instead of the usual boyfriend/girlfriend type thing.'
'So you're saying you'll… kiss me? And hug me and all the usual stuff?' Remus asked, cautious.
'Well, yeah. I mean it can't hurt, and the whole bisexual thing seems to be really popular in the Muggle world right now.'
'Glam rock.' Remus interjected with a slight nod.
'Yeah, whatever it is I am willing to do it.' Sirius replied with a shrug of his shoulders. 'And if I decide I am horrified by the idea of it, so be it. And if I like it…'
Remus nodded, leaning in. 'And if you like it…?'
'Then… I guess we'll continue with it. You're one of my best friends, what can go wrong? It's just a little bit more intimate right?'
Remus grinned. 'Right.'
So tonight I'll ask the stars above,
How did I ever win your love?
'Remember how naïve you were back then?' Remus whispered, curled up on the weary couch, his head in Sirius' lap. Sirius stroked Remus' hair, which was much grayer than it had been twenty years ago.
'I only decided to go out with you because I was going through my bi-curious stage.' Sirius replied, his face, though tired, still showing the crooked grin.
Remus looked up at him, his eyes glinting playfully. 'And now?'
Sirius let out a laugh, the sound echoing through the empty halls of 12 Grimmauld Place. 'I guess I never grew out of it.'
Remus reached up, his arms thin, yet strong, and pulled Sirius' head closer to his. 'Well I guess I never grew out of loving you' he whispered, before closing the gap between them with a kiss.
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Pixies – Monkey Gone to Heaven
There was a guy…
Christina Aguilera – Dirty
Gimme some room,
I'm coming through…
Linkin Par k- In The End
It starts with one thing,
I don't know why,
It doesn't even matter how hard you try…
Christina Aguilera – Fighter
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself,
Through living in denial…
Delta Goodrem – Predictable
Now that somebody knows the truth…
Catherine Zeta Jones – I Can't Do It Alone
Whistled, stomped and stamped on the floor,
Yelling, screaming, begging for more…
Danny Elfman – Making Christmas
Time to give them something fun,
They'll talk about for years to come…
Linkin Park - Papercut
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head…
Dragon Ash – Shizuka na Hibi No Kaidan Wo
What is important is the light,
I'd like to stay here a bit more…
Orgy – Stitches
If it stayed I'd never leave it,
If that turned around I'd grieve it,
The special dirty things that we used to talk about.
I mean that loving you is strange and adored by me throughout…
Orgy – Blue Monday
And I still find it so hard,
To say what I need to say…
Delta Goodrem – Not Me, Not I
I guess that we were seasons out of time…
Dierks Bentley – My Last Name
So darlin' if you're wonderin',
Why I've got you here tonight…
The Weakerthans – My Favourite Chords
I'd like to fall asleep to the beat of you breathing
in a room near a truck stop on a highway somewhere…
Paulini - Angel Eyes
So tonight I'll ask the stars above,
How did I ever win your love?
---
A/N: Yes, I do listen to all these songs… Go away if you don't like it.
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