After Endgame (an alternative to Homecoming)

And they all lived happily ever after…

Home coming…

It had been six weeks since Voyager came back to the Alfa Quadrant. After the debriefings most of the crew had left Voyager and Starfleet premises and went home to be reunited with their families. Starfleet had had difficult issues to settle, like the position of the marquis-crew. Captain Janeway made it quite clear to Starfleet Command that she was responsible for every action taken on their journey, by every crewmember on her ship, Starfleet, Equinox or Marquis. She was pleading Starfleet Command to letting each and every one of them of the hook. Starfleet Command was sceptical, but captain Janeway had not rested until they were pardoned. Eventually first the initial Starfleet crew was released, then the Marquis, whatever conviction, they had served their time on Voyager, and finally the Equinox crew. They were also released for their good behaviour during their duty on Voyager. The Marquis-crew was not allowed to stay in Starfleet-functions because of their criminal records, but most of them were offered interesting civilian positions. The Equinox-crew could stay in Starfleet if they wanted to, but they were not reinstated in their former ranks. They had to earn those ranks again. They all decided to resign.

And then of course there were Kathryn Janeway's own actions. Starfleet Command decided that those actions had to be judged last. Although she was praised for being out on her own for so long and survived, gathering data, exploring the unknown without any help from the Federation, and for getting the crew back home, there were some issues that needed to be settled. Like the many times she 'bended' the Prime Directive just a little, as she put it herself, not to mention what she had done with the Temporal Prime Directive. She was questioned day after day, sometimes including the nights by Starfleet investigators and members of Internal Affairs. Also other members of the Voyager-staff and crew were called in to give their testimonies. All the captain asked for was that they'd be honest. Were there any reasons for a court martial?

Kathryn knew that Starfleet Command was pressured by public opinion. Most of the crewmembers had made an appearance in some kind of talk show or news show, they were hot news. And they all spoke so good of their brave captain, how could Starfleet not let her off the hook? Why was she still held on Starfleet premises and not allowed to leave? The question was in the news every day. Starfleet Command then decided, indifferent to what the outcome of the inquiries concerning the actions of the captain was, that a great festival should be held in a couple of month's time, to celebrate the return of the people of the wonder-star ship Voyager.

In between her long hours of questioning Kathryn talked personally to the relatives of crewmen that were killed. That was so much harder on her than the hearings. Even the relatives who blamed her personally for their loss noticed that she really cared and had to admit that she was not the cold-hearted self-righteous woman they expected her to be.

Life goes on

Kathryn did not really mind to stay behind fences. She let the crew get all the attention. They really deserved it and she did not want it. Most of the stories about the adventures of Voyager were published and spoken about in the news. But Kathryn hardly read it or listened to this.

When she wasn't interrogated she was confined to quarters, a small but comfortable apartment on Starfleet premises. She was not allowed to have visitors but she got a lot of calls and mail though. It was too much for her to read, so most of it was managed by a few students who were assigned to help her. There was fan mail, job offerings, invitations, questions and even wedding proposals. Not all of it was positive though. Sometimes the writers denounced her behaviour, her self-righteousness and selfishness. For instance, why did she strand her crew in the Delta quadrant in the first place? And Q offered to take the crew home, why did she not take this offer? And why did she hunt down Captain Ransom, which eventually led to his death? And so were there many more questions. But none the less, more than 80 was positive, so one of the students told her. Only the most personal calls and letters were handed down to her. Of course she called her mother and sister and family in Indiana at nights. The real hugging would come later. She also talked to some friends, who were anxious to see her and to visit their favourite pub together again, drink beer and play pool.

And of course if possible she stayed in contact with her staff. Harry went back to be with his parents. His mother called her to thank her and said she would want to hug the captain for bringing back her son. Tuvoc who went to Vulcan to see his family and to get well. The doctor, who also stayed on Starfleet premises, monitored Kathryn's health in between the long hours of interrogation. He made sure she ate something healthy every once in a while and drink something else than coffee. Kathryn frequently spoke to Tom and B'Elanna who were a little family now, staying in the big house of Tom's father near Starfleet premises. Owen Paris was very proud of his son, daughter in law and granddaughter. Sometimes he came to Kathryn and tell her what Miral had done and how she fell asleep in his arms. He was very grateful to Kathryn and promised to do whatever he could to speed up the inquiry and to have some influence on the outcome. Tom Paris came to see Kathryn as often as he could. He knew the doctor was keeping a close eye on her, but wanted to be there if she needed someone. Icheb was also offered a room by Owen Paris and stayed with them. He had a difficult time adjusting to life on earth among people of a race different than his own.

Second best

Kathryn did talk much to Seven and Chakotay who, soon after their return on earth, had told her they were romantically involved. They moved in an apartment together, and decided to get used to living on earth first before taking up job offerings. She already knew of their affair because Admiral Janeway had told her, but she acted surprised and wished them all the luck. She was surprised though that Chakotay came later that week to her apartment alone. He was allowed to do so thanks to admiral Paris who, from a safe distance, kept a close eye on hip pupil Kathryn en the investigations. Seven was regenerating that evening and Chakotay needed to talk to her alone. After talking about the hearings, the weather and some other issues, the real reason for Chakotay's visit came out.

"Are you really alright with Seven and me?", he asked.

Kathryn was surprised he asked her that. "Of course I am", she said, "I meant what I said earlier. Why? Are you questioning my honesty? I never lied to you before."

He sighed and looked at her. She looked very tired, but none the less beautiful to him. Her hair loosely on her shoulders, no uniform, just some old jeans with a shirt … If he did not know her better he would not believe that this frail and vulnerable looking creature was the fierce captain of a starship. But one look in her eyes and he stood corrected. They were powerful, determined, dark…

"Chakotay. Why are you asking me that again?", she repeated her question since he was just staring at her and not giving any indication that he had heard her the first time.

"Well, you know…", Chakotay looked for something in her appearance that would reveal that she was lying, but he could not find it… "Well, until Seven and I started to develop something together, which only happened a few months ago," he stopped and looked through the window to gain courage.

"Go on Commander".

Hearing her say that made him almost freeze up: "I am not your first officer anymore, Kathryn".

"I' m sorry". Kathryn started to feel uncomfortable and walked to the replicator for a cup of coffee. "You want something?" she asked.

"No, thanks…Kathryn, may I ask you a question?" and he walked towards her and stood right behind her while she got her coffee. She had not noticed this and when she turned around she almost spilled the coffee on him. She looked at him in amazement.

"That is what you are trying to do now for five minutes" she replied. "It never ever took you this long before, no matter how hard the question. So this one must be really difficult for you.."

"Have you ever considered you and me, together, as a couple?", there he said it. Finally he had had the courage to ask her. He just had to know. If there was just one remote chance of him and Kathryn being together, he would take it. It was not that he had not been sincere to Seven. He did love her, but deep in his heart he belonged to Kathryn. From the first time he saw her, his heart was hers. Seven knew this. Seven also knew he had a hard time accepting her as a human being. He hadn't been very secretive about that. Seven had confronted him on their fifth date. Asking what his feelings towards the captain were. He had been honest. Explaining that he and Kathryn could never be a pair while she was commanding Voyager. Sure he would like to have given it a try, but he had never asked Kathryn. He told Seven that the captain knew how he felt about her , but that she would never even consider it. Seven praised him for his honesty and also for his good taste. How could she not understand him? Everything she was, she owed to Kathryn. She was only glad now that she was Chakotay's second choice. This acceptance also made her feel more human, since as a Borg-drone she would never have settled for second best. And Chakotay in return had asked her about Axum. Seven's one and only love, on Unimatrix Zero, where they had been a pair, and who was now somewhere in a remote section of the Beta quadrant. She told him that Axum would always be in her heart, but that she did not have any hope of ever seeing him again. So in a way they were both really in love with persons beyond their reach. And they had come to the conclusion that they were each others second best… What was wrong with that?

But then they reached earth and their relationship changed a bit. Chakotay realised that the woman he gave his heart to was no longer his captain, which meant they were free to pursue a relationship. Seven, although almost falling apart in admitting it, saw this clearly and finally said he had to sort things out with his former captain. And so he did.

"What, you and me? A couple?", Kathryn whispered. They still stood very close to each other, and he could smell her light perfume. He wanted to draw her close in her arms and then never let her go again.

Brotherly love

Kathryn stepped aside as Chakotay approached. What was he thinking? She thought he was happy now with Seven. How could he ask her to pursue a relationship with him? She decided not to beat around the bush.

"Of course I have. I would be lying if I said that I never thought about it. I cannot deny I liked our flirtations. Now and then I had some real sensual fantasies about us. But that's what they were. Just some …fantasies. I love you, Chakotay. I love you so much, you cannot imagine. But not in the way a woman should love a man. You will always be my best friend, my soul mate, the brother I wished for but never had. I could never make love to you".

Kathryn meant what she said. In her lonely hours on Voyager, and they had been endless in numbers and durance, she had imagined sometimes what it would be like to have a relationship with Chakotay, to wake up with him after a long night of passionate intimacy. And there had been times she really thought she was in love with him. But then again, she had the same fantasies about some other attractive members of her crew and even sometimes about some interesting aliens like Kashyk, with whom she spent some intimate moments without any one knowing about it, except for the doctor. She even fantasised about Q. At first she was a bit shocked about her own dreams, but then she blamed them on being only human and very, very alone. And she decided that fantasising was allowed, since it would be the only thing left for her. In reality there could be no man to love and to make love to as long as she would command Voyager. Maybe, she had realised then, she would never make love to a man again? By the time they would reach earth, she would probably be too old. Sure she could always go to the holodeck. And she tried to have sex with Michael, but every time when they were real close to making love, she ended the program. She just could not do it.

Chakotay was shocked by her answer. He really hoped she wanted him as much as he wanted her: "Just fantasies? Are you sure, are you not just saying that because of my relationship with Seven?".

"No, it's the truth. Even when we were on New Earth… maybe the loneliness and cold nights would eventually have driven me to your bed, and I even think we would have been very happy together, may be even starting a family, but here, honestly, I am not in love with you. But…", she hesitated for a moment, "what about Seven…", her voice was throaty and she whispered: "Don't you love her? Don't tell me, you don't. Seven is vulnerable now; she has a lot to go through. Seven deserves an honest and good man. I was really happy it was you because I believed you would never hurt her". Kathryn almost got angry: "I will not forgive you if you are leading her on". But she knew: Chakotay would not do that..

Resolutions... again

Chakotay looked at his shoes. He did not know what to say. He felt shattered. But he realised that in reality, nothing had changed really. He was still with Seven, and he truly believed he could grow old with her and even raise a family. The only thing was that he had to accept that Kathryn did not want him.

"No", he answered as he looked up and looked in Kathryn's eyes. "I also love Seven in a different way than I love you, but my feelings for her are sincere".

He explained how Seven and he both were satisfied with to be each other's second bests. "I don't know what to say", Kathryn said. And she really didn't. But she honestly believed they could make each other happy.

It was quiet for a while and then Chakotay whispered: "Just let me hold you for a while… just as good friend. The way I was not allowed to hold you in my capacity as your first officer. I just want to say sort of goodbye" and in his mind he added "farewell to my dreams of ever being with you". And he approached her. She let him put his strong arms around her. She put her hands around his waist. He held her real tight. Oh, she thought, this feels so good… But she also knew that this feeling came from not being held by a man like this for seven years. Then she broke off the embrace, which was quite difficult since he was reluctant to let her go. He kissed her on her forehead…

She whispered: "Now go to Seven. Be happy with her…", and she stepped back a few steps. He left. Kathryn was glad Seven had found Chakotay to guide here further into humanity. Kathryn knew that her task here was taken over for the most part.

A letter from Mark

Kathryn indeed was worn out, exhausted and her voice was almost gone after having to speak so much during the inquiries. Then one evening when she sat on the couch of the apartment reading her personal mail, she found a letter from Mark. It had been lying there for some time now, with some other letters, because she did not had the time yet to read everything.

Mark? Now why would he contact her? He had left her, married somebody else, while she was in the Delta quadrant. And although it hurt her then, she had also been glad that he did not wait for her. She did not want him to stay alone. She wanted him to be happy. It took her more then a year to really get him out of her daily thoughts, and another year later she was convinced she was really not in love with him anymore. But he would always be a part of her. Her mother and sister had told her that they had not seen or spoken Mark since he got engaged. He had broken of contact. It was too painful, he said. Gretchen en Phoebe also told Kathryn they thought it may have been the influence of his new fiancée. That was the only reason they could think of, since they knew he loved them.

Kathryn felt nervous and hated herself for it when she opened the letter. Mark had always made her nervous in some positive way. And even now, he apparently still had that effect on her. She smiled for a second when she thought back at the years they had been together. She honestly felt butterflies in her stomach every time they met after being separated for a while. No matter how tensed she was, he could always make her laugh and relax. He had a great sense of responsibility, just like her. He was not particularly handsome, but he was tall and had a muscular and firm body. Sometimes she had felt so close to him, she felt like crawling into him. Just to become a part of him, forever.

Writing back to Mark

The letter from Mark was brief and direct with a touch of humour, but it was also full of compassion, sweet and loving. After reading the letter Kathryn did not know what to do… how to react… she just sat there, thinking. Mark had written her how surprised he was she got back. That he dropped his cup of tea, messed up three of his colleagues by this, when he heard of Voyagers miracle comeback on the news. He saw the first contact, which was broadcasted through the entire Alpha quadrant. "Sorry to surprise you, next time we'll call ahead", had become legendary words. Mark wrote she looked even more beautiful than he had pictured her. He wanted to see her as soon as possible.

He also explained how, during her absence, he tried to get involved with a colleague named Helen. He honestly believed he loved Helen, but apparently not enough. She left him because she did not want to spend her life with a man who wouldn't be able to love her fully back. Mark quoted her words: "a man who, although he was in denial about it himself, loved another woman. And she could not compete with a woman, who was more than 70 years away!" Helen was not willing to fight a ghost, so she left before they even got married.

Mark also explained why he had not contacted Kathryn's family or for that matter Kathryn herself when Voyager established contact with Starfleet. He thought it would be best for everyone to think he went on with his life so that Kathryn was fully free to live her own life, with other men, in de Delta quadrant. But now that she got back, he really wanted to see her. He stated that he realised that she might not want to see him and that her feelings towards him might have changed, maybe even gone. That she might have fallen in love with another man. But then still, he just had to see her.

Although she was very, very tired, Kathryn could not sleep that night. She was confused and early in the morning she wrote him a letter telling him how sorry she was that his engagement did not work out. She also wrote that she said goodbye to their relationship a long time ago, how very difficult that had been and that she was not ready for a new relationship with him or any one. She needed time to adjust to normal life again, to get reacquainted with family and friends. Maybe in a few months she would contact him. She asked him not to contact her. The letter was short and gave no further indication of her own actual feelings towards him. In reality she was afraid that when they would meet she would fall in love with him again. And she honestly did not want that. She had no energy for a relationship.

Back home

Then Starfleet Command decided that captain Janeway, although not being very strict about it, did not actually violate the prime directives and that her crew had been, with some minor violations, exemplary. Starfleet Command also found that she could not be held responsible for the actions of admiral Janeway in a future that did not exist any more. Besides that, she did much more good than bad and she would not be officially court-martialled. There would be some notes in her records though, some violations could not be covered up, but at that moment Kathryn did not care. She was just glad that she was allowed to go home.

Finally, she was able to spend time with her mother and her sister and her family. She went horseback riding with Phoebe for hours and played with Phoebe's two boys. They really liked their new aunt. Kathryn also went to see a lot of friends. They all welcomed her with warmth and some restraint, or was it respect? Kathryn felt it, but could not give a name to it. She knew she had changed a lot. She matured, grew wiser and was somewhat calmer, less on edge but also less lively, they all found. But she kept her sense of humour, no one could deny that. The evenings with her were full of laughter and joy, even if there were some sad moments. Only Phoebe and her mother and some real close friends were able to see the pain behind her smile. She felt like she was falling slowly into a gap. Her superior drive, getting home, taking care of a crew was gone. Now what?

Everyday there was some item about Voyager on the news and in the papers. As time went by people got over the wonder of their arrival and of all the adventurous stories. They wanted to know more about the people who made it all happen. The crew and their relationships, the life of Naomi, Neelix, Icheb… It was obvious people were especially interested in the staff. To get it over with, B'Elanna and Tom made an appearance in some very popular talk show. They talked about their relationship, their daughter and how it all had happened. The press wouldn't leave Chakotay and Seven alone either. Kathryn felt sorry for Seven who already had so much to go through: new feelings, a new relationship, intimacy, arrival on earth and then this public exposure. Everywhere they went, some reporters followed. And although the relationship between this couple and Kathryn was blurred a bit by the confession of Chakotay, they kept in close contact. Chakotay was good to Seven, but he was a man, not a woman. Seven needed Kathryn to talk to about things, about intimate issues.

And of course Kathryn herself was followed everywhere by reporters. She had just accepted it and thought it would not last that long. Most of the items about her personal life had been about what they called the mystery of Kathryn Janeway. Where did this tiny and even fragile looking woman find the strength en wisdom to be able to do what she did? Who was she really? Soon, there would be other hot news surely. Kathryn sometimes wished she could call Jean Luc to ask him to stir up the galaxy a bit.

One night she noticed four journalists waiting outside the garden of the small cottage of her mother. It started to rain badly and even to storm and somehow their craft seemed to have broken down. Transport was not possible. So she decided to invite them in and give them some coffee. They asked her a lot of questions. How was it like being the captain of two crews? Did she trust the marquis from the beginning? What were her reasons for making Chakotay her first officer? Why did she allow the doctor to develop as he did? Had she been lonely, because the crewmembers said she did not socialise much? Why did she not take the offers of Q? Did she felt threatened by Q? What was it like being assimilated? How was it to lose people? How was it to see and work with an older version of herself? What was the worst moment? Kathryn answered as honest as she could. It was all over the news the next day. With her sympathetic and open and fragile appearance, she again had won some hearts.

Cry now

One evening she was at home with her mother. They were drinking some brandy while they were sitting in front of the fireplace. Her mother looked at her, worried. "How are you Kathy?" she asked.

Kathryn looked up: "What do you mean? I'm all right… Just a bit tired".

"The formal receptions and galas to celebrate your return are coming up soon, I would really like to meet Tuvok again and your new Voyager friends before that. I want to thank them, especially Tuvok and Chakotay personally for looking after you and protecting you", her mother said.

"Well we …" Kathryn stopped talking as she looked to her mother. She knew her mother good enough to know that she had already made plans:" Oh" she said with a smile; " I understand you already made plans, resistance is futile, I assume".

Her mother smiled: "Yes, I've invited your staff over to stay in Uncle Jeffrey's house in Beverly Hills. It's secured, big, has an enormous garden and a nice swimming pool. Uncle Jeffrey likes us all to come. Tom, B'Elanna and their baby, Chakotay, Seven, Icheb, Tuvok and T'Pell, Harry and his parents. Even your doctor was allowed to come over. They will arrive the coming days and stay there untill the celebrations", said Gretchen and she continued without taking a breath. "They all accepted immediately," Gretchen hesitated then as she looked to her amazed but also a bit irritated daughter. Gretchen had arranged it without discussing with her daughter because she knew Kathryn would not have approved.

"I can see you miss them, Kathy. This is logical because you lived with them for more than seven years. You all need to break it off, but it does not have to be a cold turkey like it is now. You are hurting Kathryn, just admit it. You are lonely. You need them. So I decided to invite them without consulting it with you. You would not have been able to talk me out of it anyway. It's the Janeway or no way".

Kathryn smiled, she realised it was still her mother who knew what she needed the most. Even after being apart for seven years.

Her mother was stimulated by Kathryn's smile to ask more: "So tell me, how close were you really with your crew? I suppose you must have been very lonely. I mean… well you know what I mean. You must have lived the live of a nun, haven't you? You have made some friends, but you were always their superior, even on the holodeck. And I can only presume you were very hurt to find out about Mark marrying someone else. Of course, as I understand there was Jaffen, and may be some holodeck characters, but I cannot believe you really slept with them, did you?" Gretchen looked at her daughter, who actually blushed.

For Kathryn it felt unnatural to be talking about her love and sex life with her mother. She felt very uncomfortable. But her mother continued firmly. "Sharing your personal feelings with a log is one thing, but it does not keep you warm or comforts you now does it", Gretchen was determined to learn more about her daughter's feelings. She had seen the sadness in her eyes, the cold steel inside, and she somehow missed the old, more spontaneous Kathryn. Gretchen wanted to trigger her. She knew it was the only way to make her vulnerable or at least more open. Maybe then Kathryn would let go her mask. Kathryn looked at her mother angry and whispered: "… You are right. I've been lonely, so lonely you couldn't imagine. But I'm glad I did it this way. Rudi Ransom, the captain of the Equinox, had a different policy. He even let his crew call him Rudi all the time. And for a moment I was jealous of him. But I also saw where it leads to, if you let go of principles and rules… and look at what it made him, an almost cold blooded murderer."

Kathryn sighed. She was almost turned into a murderer her self then. But she did not want to tell her mother about her own behaviour, especially the way she threatened Lessing. Nobody knew why she had been like that, except for Captain Ransom and Lessing himself. The last was obliged to tell Starfleet Command about what really happened between the two Captains. Kathryn had asked him not to tell. It was too embarrassing. But Kathryn also knew that if he hadn't told the whole story which contained the reasons for her cruel behaviour, Starfleet Command would not have let her off the hook. And of course the doctor knew something happened because he treated her injuries, but he did not know what it was exactly. Since she was sure Lessing would not talk about this 'event' elsewhere, she also kept it to herself and would never talk about it to anyone. But it was always in her system somewhere.

Kathryn was quiet for a while and then decided to go back to the invitations her mother had send to her former staff: "I just got used to being Kathryn again, you are pushing me back in my captain's chair. I don't want that, not yet", she said. She was not ready yet. She knew her staff were her friends, and she really wanted to see them, but she had only met them in the capacity of being their captain. Now, that was different…But her mother had already anticipated that. "I also invited your sister and her family to come over, to prevent Starfleet hierarchy from popping up, and I also invited Monique to join us. "

Kathryn smiled. "Monique is coming?".

Gretchen nodded. Kathryn and Monique had been friends for a very long time. Monique was a scientist, civilian, working at a deep space science lab at this moment. Kathryn had spoken with her a few times these last weeks, but Monique had not been able yet to return to earth. Kathryn looked forward to seeing her again.

Gretchen looked at her daughter. "Tell me Kathryn, some horrible things happened to you and your crew, but you survived. You returned safely. Ok, you lost some people on the way, but I know you've come to terms with this. That is part of the job. But I also know being captain demands a lot from a person. Have you ever cried Kathryn? You've created a family in de Delta quadrant, a community, without any help from earth. Your father would be so proud of you. Are there things we do not know yet, things that are haunting you? Tell me Kathy, I want to help you…" Gretchen took Kathryn's hands and looked into her eyes. " I did not see you cry yet… You do not have to be so strong anymore… You're only human, you are allowed to cry you know…"

"Oh mom, … " Kathryn whispered and then Kathryn fell into her mothers arms and started to cry. Tears ran from her cheeks, she just couldn't stop crying… Her mother stroked her hair. Relieved that finally Kathryn showed some deep emotions and let them out… After a long time crying Kathryn looked up and smiled through her tears: "Thanks mom, I really needed that. I haven't had a chance to cry like this for seven long years, although there were many occasions that I wanted to. And after a while I seemed to have forgotten how.. "

"I know", Gretchen said: "A captain doesn't cry on board, that's what your father used to say. But when he came home he sometimes cried a whole night. He never told me why though…" Gretchen said. "I'll make you some hot cocoa. Makes you sleep well" and she stood up and walked to the kitchen. When she got back she found Kathryn fully asleep on the couch. So she covered her with a plaid, kissed her on the cheek and went to bed.

Reunion

Uncle Jeffrey was very enthusiastic to have the Voyager staff, his sister and nieces and more people in his house. He had some extra people in the house to cook them dinner, clean up and to make sure they got everything they needed. The staff also was very excited to be reunited again after such a long time. And Gretchen's plans worked out fine. The fact that other people were also there made the sphere less Voyager, and Kathryn really was at ease with her former staff. They did call her captain ever now and then, having difficulty with calling her Kathryn, but it did not bother her as much as she thought it would. Especially since Phoebe, her mother and even the young sons of Phoebe also called her captain every now and then. And of course then there was Monique. Kathryn had tears in her eyes when she hugged her closest friend. Monique was easy to live with and blended in just right. There were no musts, just a relaxed vacation.

For Harry, Tuvok, Tom and B'Elanna and Icheb the relationship of Chakotay and Seven was news. Harry and Tuvok had no trouble with it. For B'Elanna and Tom it was more difficult. Especially for B'Elanna who confronted Chakotay the third day they arrived. Chakotay was in the swimming pool and since Seven could not swim B'Elanna joined him immediately. "What about you and Seven?" she asked. "You seem happy together, but I do not understand where this comes from. You never were very interested in her as a woman… hell, you were hardly interested in her as a crewmember…"

Chakotay smiled: " I know what you mean, B'Elanna. But I decided, a few weeks before the Admiral came to take us home, that I did not want to grow old on my own. Seven was there, and asked me on a date. Only to learn how to socialise with men, but after a couple of dates I just started to feel something for her… Before that I never gave myself a chance to really get to know her. My mind was too preoccupied with…" He stopped and looked at B'Elanna. B'Elanna knew what he was wanted to say. "You waited for her a long time", and she looked at Kathryn who was sitting in the garden, under a tree, laughing with Monique. "She could not answer your feelings for her, did she? I mean, if that is where your heart is, you have to follow it…"

Chakotay nodded: "I've tried and you are right. She has no special feelings for me that way. Seven and I have come to terms with this. We are very happy together. There are more kinds of love to share you know, especially if the both of you cannot have the love you really want" and he dived under the water and swam away from B'Elanna. A lot of people never thought of Tom and her self to pair off, so why not give Seven and Chakotay the benefit of the doubt, B'Elanna thought. They obviously knew what they were doing.

You never forget how to …

Kathryn had settled down under an oak tree with Monique reminiscing earlier experiences together and telling each other about their current lives. Monique had told Kathryn about her research and her private life. A life with many men, but with no one to stay and grow old with, as she said it. "And what about you, Kathryn? What do you want? Stay within Starfleet. Become an Admiral or something?".

Kathryn had expected this question and smiled:" I will stay with Starfleet. It is where I belong. I do not think I will be commanding a ship though. I like to stay on the planet for a while. I've been offered several jobs at headquarters, I have to decide which one to take."

"Good", Monique said: " And what about your personal life? Have you had some interesting affairs in de Delta quadrant? " and she lifted one eyebrow. Kathryn smiled: " Sure, I took every male crewmember of the ship…"

Monique started laughing: "Yes sure, and when you were through with them you turned to the females didn't you?" They felt like schoolgirls again and it felt good. Kathryn nodded and looked naughty. "Oh yes, you have no idea what I have experienced…" But then Monique started to look serious: " Oh my poor girlfriend. You must have been so lonely. I know you… You wouldn't even consider it. Not even with your first officer now would you? He is very attractive and by the way he looks at you, you did not have to do more than give him a little hint. It's a waste he's with Seven now, although she seems very nice, cold but nice."

Kathryn didn't smile: " He's been a true friend, always putting my needs first. I love him, Monique, I truly do, and there have been times I really wanted him, but I pushed him away for seven years, a captain doesn't sleep with her crew you know, and now I only see him as the big brother I never had. I don't think I could ever make love to him… " she hesitated a moment : "Or anyone else for that matter. I just don't know how to give myself away like that anymore." Kathryn sighed and looked at her best girlfriend. "Do I make any sense?" .

Monique answered with a big smile: "Well, it's just like horse riding, or sailing, or skiing, you might feel a little bit uneasy at first, but it will all come back to you, I'm sure. If you just open up yourself. It's too good a thing to just ignore".

What really happened

Kathryn was silent for a moment: "There's more to it than that…While we were in the delta quadrant", she paused, looked troubled to her friend: "It's not completely true when I say I have not been with a man like that. There was Jaffen you know that. And I was…" Kathryn looked away for a moment. "Don't tell me your were raped!", Monique almost shouted.

Kathryn nodded, "…But you won't find it in the media or reports. I kept it to myself, not telling anyone. You're the only one I feel comfortable to tell it to. It was not even an alien, it was a human being, even worse, and he was Starfleet. Did you hear about the Equinox? Everybody has been wondering why I was so determined to find Captain Ransom and his ship. And I can tell you that it was not because I wanted to take them with me on our journey home, as was stated in the media or to safe those poor aliens. I did it because I wanted to revenge what Captain Ransom did to me. This real story never came out. Oh God, Monique, you should have seen me. I hunted him down, not acting rationally. I even almost killed someone on purpose, by torture. Thank God Chakotay stopped it. . I even relieved him from duty for it. He never understood my actions".

"Go on", Monique said softly.

"I haven't told anyone. Nobody knows, except for a few members of Starfleet Command, from a testimony by the man who was nearby when it happened. He was the one I tortured, Lessing."

"You want to tell me what happened? I am a good listener. It may be good for you to get it of your chest", Monique said.

Kathryn started to tell. She knew she had to tell someone, just to get it out of her system. Monique was her best option. "Rudi, Captain Ransom, asked me to join him to the Equinox, to gather his last stuff before we should leave this ship behind. I went with him. In the meanwhile, members of my crew were trying to find out what was really going on. We already found out that they were hiding something. Captain Ransom and I went to the Equinox bridge, we were talking about earth and our homes. It was really nice to have another Captain to talk to, who understood what it was like, being stranded out there. Then he asked me whether I ever violated the Prime Directive. I told him that on occasion I stretched it a little, but that I had never violated it. He told me the only directive he had never violated was the one telling Starfleet Captains not to get romantically involved with his crew. He was close friends with his crew members, there was hardly a hierarchy left on the ship, but he never had sex with anyone of them".

Telling it all

Kathryn swallowed and she felt tears coming up telling the story about Captain Ransom and her self:"He said how lonely he had been, and that I probably would feel the same… He suddenly grabbed me and started kissing me. I pushed him away, telling him I was not that lonely, I offered him to use the holodecks on Voyager to satisfy his needs. But he told me that a hologram wasn't real. I tried to keep a safe distance between him and me, reasoning with him, but he kept approaching me and finally I stood literally with my back against the wall. I knew then that I had to fight him. At the time, I felt sorry for him. I was not afraid because I knew I could take him down without much effort. He wasn't so big and he was weak because he was still recovering from his injuries. So I did not feel the need to contact security of Voyager. I really felt we could work this out. When he attacked me, I fought him, we struggled for a moment, he even hit me in the face, but I managed to trip him and he fell to the ground. On that very moment ensign Lessing came in and Rudi ordered him to shoot me. He was still on the floor. It looked as if I had attacked him. Ensign Lessing hesitated but Rudi said not to kill me, just to stun me. And so he did. "

Kathryn continued with a trembling, soft and husky voice: "Rudi woke me up by pushing some kind of hypo spray in my veins. He said he wanted me conscious,. My hands were tied behind my back.", Kathryn sighed and paused a moment. Then she continued: "When he was done with me he pointed a gun at me, telling me to get dressed and beam back to Voyager. Only later I understood he was already planning to escape from us and keep his terrible secret to himself. On Voyager I went straight to the doctor. He fixed my ribs, two of them were broken, and my bruises. He of course wanted to know what happened. I said I fell from a ladder in one of the Jeffery tubes. He did not believe me, but never asked me again. I guess he somehow knew. I went to my ready room to pretend to be working, not letting any one know what happened. I was figuring out what to do. Then they told me about the discovery of alien abuse on the Equinox. And the rest… well you know, it was all in the media. "

Monique had tears in her eyes: "I don't know what to say… I am so sorry. Especially because it was another Starfleet Captain who did this to you. I can only imagine what it must have been like and how awfully betrayed you must have felt. " She put her arm around Kathryn's shoulders. Kathryn sniffed a bit. She couldn't cry anymore about this. She shed far too many tears about it, but she did feel some relief of finally being able to tell someone. Monique whispered: "But why did you never tell any one? Like Chakotay, your confidence?"

Kathryn lifted her shoulders. "There really was no occasion. We were too busy finding the Equinox. Besides that, I think he would not have stopped me from torturing Lessing to death, if he had known my real motives… I think he is as vindictive as me. I needed him to put my morals straight. And when it was all over, Captain Ransom was dead. So why should I tell it? "

Monique murmured: "Of course". They sat quietly for a while, and then Monique started asking about the Devore Inspector and making jokes to cheer Kathryn up. And it worked.

Mark

That evening after they all enjoyed diner together Kathryn and her sister were sitting on the veranda. They were looking at Harry and Tom playing socker against Chakotay, Phoebe's husband and the two boys. Seven was regenerating in her alcove. Something she still needed every now and then. Icheb was studying in the garden. B'Elanna was getting Miral to bed and Monique was getting some work done. The others were somewhere in the house. Kathryn heard her mother play the piano. It was a lovely summer evening.

Phoebe was a bit restless, not knowing in what mood her sister was since she was awfully quiet. Phoebe really had to talk to her about something. So she decided just to go for the key question. "So how do you feel about Mark now?"

Kathryn was a bit shocked by the sudden question. "Mark?, she repeated. "I don't know. I spend four years forgetting him, getting him out of my dreams. How am I supposed to feel? I haven't talked to him yet, if that is what you want to know".

"I know you haven't", Phoebe said. "Mark calls me about every other day to ask me how you are and whether I want to put in a good word for him. He really wants to see you. His marriage failed because of his feelings for you. At least talk to him".

Kathryn suddenly got a bit angry: "You cannot blame me for what happened between me and his wife. I was thousands of light-years away remember!"

Phoebe shook her head: "That is not what I mean and you know it. I'm just saying you should meet him. You really loved him when you left. Maybe those feelings are still there. You're afraid that they still are, aren't you? Why run and hide from them. "

"It's not what you think." Kathryn explained. "I truly believe I do not love him anymore. I do not want to hurt him again. I want him to get on with his life."

"He can only do that if you tell him to Kathryn. Let him go," Phoebe whispered and then she stood up and walked away. Kathryn did not see that her sister was embraced briefly by a man who just stepped out of the house. He was tall, looked very distinguished and had a powerful but amicable charisma.

He approached Kathryn slowly and as he stood right behind her said; "Kath?"

Kathryn froze. She recognised his friendly voice immediately. Now she understood why her sister had brought the subject up. She had invited him! She would have to talk to her about that later.

Kathryn stood up and slowly turned around. "Mark", she whispered: "It's good to see you" and she stepped towards him with a faint smile. He couldn't help himself as he suddenly seized her by her shoulders and pulled her in his arms. He kept her real close. Not ever wanting to let her go. Kathryn didn't resist. Instead she put her arms around his waist. She had to admit it. It felt so good, so comfortable, so like… home.

In the garden Chakotay saw Kathryn being embraced by a man. "Who is that?", he asked Phoebe's husband Peter. But he did not have to hear the answer because he already knew. He just had to make sure. "That's Mark Johnson. Phoebe invited him", Peter answered: "You should have seen them before. They were so close and intimate. You could sometimes feel the electric vibrations when they were together", and then he smiled at Chakotay: "Hopefully he can loosen her up a bit, Monique has done that already a bit, but I think Mark can really get her to smile again, I mean really smile. Besides that a good … well you know what, would really be good for her, I think", and he went on playing socker leaving Chakotay speechless.

The embrace lasted a lifetime. Kathryn finally broke it up by pushing Mark away. He did not want to let her go, but he knew he could force things to happen so he let her go. "I'm sorry Kathryn, for not waiting for your invitation. I just couldn't wait any longer. I have missed you so., especially the last few months since you have been back. You were so close and yet you kept a great distance. O God, Kathryn, you are so beautiful…", he whispered and stroked her hair. Kathryn was overwhelmed by emotions. She was still in love with him. She just couldn't deny that.