Wow....me....gay.......ummm.....I wouldn't say gay....maybe bi......well, anyway.. man I can't believe Tori thought I was gay... If that's the case, shes not gonna want to date a gay guy....maybe she so notices me checking out Hunter......But either way, I am totally comfortable enough with myself to say that another guy is hot..so whats wrong with that??
Uuugghh! Toris' got me buggin'! I try to impress her, try to make her think of me in a different way..and I end up sending her gay vibes...
And for her to bring up Euyi- That's not fair!! She so knows the way I felt about that girl and she so knows what she did to me. That hurt that she brought her up....And Marah...Blah to Marah!! Man, screw girls, screw guys, screw everyone!! I'll be A-Sexual...there...unless Hunter- Oh nevermind....
2:30 AM....I really, really have to get some sleep....I haven't gotten much in the past couple of days and tomorrow, with the moving and everything, is gonna suck hard if I don't get at least 4 hours in....But I can't stop thinking...tossing and turning...
Since Euyi, I shut myself down completely..she was my first everything...my first real date, my first real kiss, my first girlfriend, my first time, my first love...Wow, and I really did love her. So much. I had to have loved her, 'cuz then it wouldn't still hurt, ya know? Well, to make a long story short, she was everything to me. And I thought I was everything to her, too. But I guess that was all a big pile of shit 'cuz her and her family picked up and left out of nowhere....I found out when she was gone.. she didn't even tell me ...she said nothing...everything was perfect...the next day before she left, we had so much fun.. and I wish I could've just known that it would be the last time I held her in my arms.. the last time I saw her smile...but anyway, so I saw one of her girlfriends and she spilled the beans.. apparently, she swore up and down not to tell me because Euyi said that she couldn't handle saying goodbye..that it was easier for her to just go..what?? I didn't know how to take that..at first I felt for her... I was all like, awe...shes probably crying right now and so sad...then I was like.. well, fuck that! That's a tired excuse...She's just a horrible person who left me and that's that...her family moved back to japan. Oh well, who gives! Tori wanted to kick her ass. She left me a wreck..a love sick fool..that sucked.... Then, oh man! Then, Marah!!! Oh dude, she hurt me bad! I guess I took it a lot worse than I should've, but that's 'cuz I was still damaged by Euyi...And the way Marah looked at me, it just felt like there could really have been something... But X that 'cuz she fucked me over too...just like the rest of them...
And just cuz I swore off girls and think Hunter is ssssssoooooooooo hot, doesn't make me full blown gay.. and even if it did then so what! I deserve to be happy no matter who I like!! Dammit! And I didn't completely swear off girls, I mean... Tori is a girl...An amazing, funny , beautiful girl...I need her so much, she'll never know..and even if I was to tell her right now, she'd never know the extent...she could be the one to save me... I know it... but I'm too afraid to get hurt again...I'm way too afraid for her to say no...I know she won't laugh at me...but she might laugh on the inside..or to Shane..Man, no! Dude, I really can't handle another heart break..not now..But, I can't tell her.. I don't know what to do...I don't know what would hurt more....rejection, or living with this everyday.... I'm a highly trained ninja!!!!! I'm not supposed to be all lovesick and heartbroken!!
Oh my God, 3:35!! Dude, I need to get some sleep...and now!!
Stop thinking about her.........
Stop thinking about her........
Stop thinking about her......................
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Theres chapter 5..small chapter I know....Dustin lost in his thoughts....so what do ya think of Dustin having a little crush on Hunter??? I think it's the cutest!!
cyn