Chapter Eight – Shadowboxer
'Once my lover, now my friend
What a cruel
thing to pretend
What a cunning way to condescend
Once my
lover, and now my friend' – Fiona Apple
November, 2007
The café is insanely busy again today. I glance over at Karen, and she just shrugs helplessly, just as clueless about the sudden business boom as I am. I hurry to get customer's coffee cups filled and espresso made. This is really stressing me out, but I paste on a smile and go about doing my job.
"Miss? I need decaf, not regular," one lady says after taking a sip of her coffee. I'd poured her cup a good ten minutes ago, and now she expects me to believe that she can taste that it isn't decaf. But I just sigh, and grab the pot of decaf and a glass, and fill her up.
"This is a zoo," Karen marvels in a whisper to me at a moment when we are both behind the counter putting pastries on plates.
"You're telling me. I think I might have hearing damage from the noise. This is crazy. I don't think I've ever seen it this busy before."She sighs wearily. "Tell me about it. I don't know if I should be grateful or horrified that it's so busy. We've been doing a lot more business over the last few months, which is good business-wise, but just hell otherwise."
"Well, if you need any extra help this weekend, I can come in. I know Zach still isn't really up to speed," I tell her in reference to the latest high school kid she's got working in there. "Just let me know," I smile.
"No way, Haley. I know you see your cute boyfriend way too seldom as it is, so I am certainly not going to monopolize your weekend time, too."
I laugh, sort of grateful that she's so thoughtful. "Well, if you need someone, you know who to call."
"Thank you for the offer, my dear, but no. I will not let you sacrifice your weekend to the café. Just isn't going to happen," she smiles.
"Well, I think Jase is going to spend at least part of it studying for the LSATs at my house, but I've had to promise I won't bother him. I might just drop in, and I won't take no for an answer then."
"His LSATs?"
"Yeah," I nod, "He's applying to law schools."
"Which ones?"
I know she doesn't mean which so much as where, and she's wondering if this will be a similar situation to Nathan leaving.
"He's applying all over the place. His first choice is Duke, actually, but he doesn't think he'll have a great chance at that since they are pretty selective when it comes to admitting their own undergrads. But he's also applied at almost every state school there is, so we'll see."
"You really want him to stick around, huh?" she grins.
"Well, yeah, I mean, he's my boyfriend. I really like him. I know he isn't going to be in Tree Hill, and probably not even as close as he is now, but if he's in state, I feel like I can get in the car and go to him if I need to. We'll see what happens," I shrug.
"If he leaves, would you break up?" she asks cautiously. She says it so softly that I think she's afraid I'll freak out that she's drawing comparisons to Nathan and me.
"I don't know," I tell her honestly, "A part of me really wants to see where this could go, and that might mean making a go of a long distance relationship. But the other part of me is just terrified of what would happen if I agreed to make it try. If he'd move on without me or something, you know?"
She looks surprised, and I'm sure a lot of that stems from the fact that I was so adamant in breaking up with Nathan. But she chooses to be pragmatic about it and leave it alone. "Well, you'll be going to school, too, in the fall. What if you end up going away instead of him?"
"Actually, if Brooke and Tim can get into Duke, that's where I'll be. Which is why it would be so perfect if Jason got into their law program."
"Haley James, why on earth would you base your college choice on where your friends are going? I would've expected that out of some of Luke's other friends, even Luke himself, but not you. What's going on?"
I shrug, unsure how to explain it so that it makes as much sense to her as it does to me. "Karen, I don't want to be left behind again. I don't want to go somewhere by myself where I don't know anyone. I don't want to have to start building friendships all over again. Brooke and Tim have made college a great experience for me so far, and I want to stick with them. I owe it to them and me to do just that."
She sighs, not entirely getting it, obviously. "Honey, I understand that you don't want to be alone, but I don't know if you should base your college choices on that fact. Now, I know I'm not your mother, but – "
"Oh, Karen, come on. We both know that for all intents and purposes, you are my mother. You've been here for me for as long as I can remember, and I love and adore you for that."
Tears form in her eyes. "Oh, honey." She wraps her arms around me. "You don't have to say that just to distract me."
I laugh a little. "I wasn't. I mean, I'll file it away that it is a good distraction method, but that wasn't why. I really do love you, you know?"
"I know, sweetie, and you'll always be my daughter. And you know I love you, too."
"You know, we've been ignoring the customers for an awfully long time now, right?" She grins, laughing.
"Yeah, we sure have. I suppose we should get back to them." I nod. She makes no move to do that, though. "I really do love you as much as I love Lucas and Eric. I still remember when you two were just little, and he'd scare you by jumping out of the closet at you, and then you'd scare him by putting a snake in his bag."
I laugh, remembering. Life was so much simpler back then. It was easy and it was safe, but in all honesty, it wasn't as fun and challenging as things are now. Maybe simple isn't always better.
"That was a long time ago," I tell her, "He probably wouldn't cry if I did that to him now. If he did, he'd get ragged on big time."
"You guys have both grown up a lot," she concedes, "But you're still my little kids. So, I'm probably always going to think of you as such, you know that?"
I nod, "I guess I can understand that. At least not whine about it much!"
"You're such a good kid, Haley."
"Aw, I don't know about that. I try sometimes, though."
"You are," she smiles kindly, "You're a lovely woman, and you bring joy to a lot of people's lives. You think I haven't seen what you've done for both Brooke and Tim?"
I blush. "No, that's not fair. They've done just as much for me as I could ever do for them. I'm not kidding, Karen, I don't know what I would've done without them the last year or so. They've been incredible."
She pats my hand. "I'm glad that you've all been good for each other. I worried about you when everyone left, especially Luke and Nathan. I could see what a toll it was taking on you those first couple of months. It was a relief when you started finally getting comfortable with Brooke and Tim and their friendship."
"For me, too," I laugh, "I was so afraid I would be alone and friendless here in Tree Hill. And that Luke and Nathan and everyone would have new friends and girlfriends and stuff. Which of course happened, but at least now I can say the same."
She hugs me. "Okay, honey, now we really do need to get to work, some people are starting to give us dirty looks."
We laugh and rush off to serve the customers. Her words ring in my ears as I pour coffee and serve pastries to people.
"What time is Jason getting there?" Brooke asks.
"He's there now," I tell her, "I'm just letting him study for a bit before I head there to bug the hell out of him."
"Damn, I'm glad I don't have to study for some huge test like that. That would kill me. My head would explode," she laughs.
"Well, it's a good thing you aren't planning on going to law school, now isn't it?"
"I'd fit in there about as well as a whore in church, so yeah, that is definitely a good thing for me not to do."
I laugh at the look of horror on her face at the mere idea of law school. "Well, I'll tell you that I have no interest in going to school that long," I admit.
"So no his and hers law practice in ten years?" she teases.
"I guess not," I laugh.
"He narrow it down at all where he's going to school?" she asks.
"Well, he's applied pretty much everywhere on the east coast and a couple of schools in California and Washington. I remember the first time I met him at that stupid Valentine's Day party he told me he didn't care which school he went to as long as he got his law degree."
"And you think that's changed, Tutor Girl?"
I shrug. "No, not for him. But judging by what he tells me his family says, I'm thinking they think he should try for something more prestigious."
"And you don't want him to leave the state."
"I don't want him to leave Duke," I laugh, "So let's not talk about the state."
She laughs, but then sobers up. "If he left, would you two break up? I know how you feel about long distance relationships."
She doesn't say it in an accusatory fashion, so I don't take offense. "Karen asked me virtually the same thing last week," I admit, "I told her I wasn't sure what would happen, but that I'd kind of like to try. I – I really like him, Tigger, and I'm over a year older, and maybe a little wiser. Maybe I could do it now."
"And maybe you trust him more than you trusted Nathan," she points out.
I think about what she said. "It's not that I didn't trust him," I say carefully, "It's more that I didn't trust the situation. He's a gorgeous, popular athlete on a school famed for its basketball team. There are going to be a lot of opportunities for him."
"And you don't think Jason has those opportunities?"
"Not in the same way." She rolls her eyes at me. "Oh, I know he has opportunities. Hell, probably even more than I'd care to think about. But it is still different."
"And the difference is that Jason is three years older than Nathan, and that he has this inherent maturity that Nathan doesn't really possess. I know you know him better than I do, but still – I know enough to know he isn't the most mature person in the world. At least he wasn't when you two ended things."
I think about it, unable to dispute she's right. "It's not just him, though. It's me. For whatever reason, I'm in a better position to be trusting now. But a lot comes down to the fact that his main focus is school, not basketball. I knew Nathan would care more about basketball than school. And that would bring him into contact with – well, you know."
She smiles. "Well, I guess that doesn't matter now."
"Yeah, I guess not," I sigh.
"You going to Nathan's game?" she asks, eyebrows raised.
"Yeah, I told Jason that I'd like to go with him. You'll come, right?"
She laughs. "Of course. Maybe I can bust out my old cheer moves or something."
"Oh, yeah, please do," I tell her, laughing sarcastically, "Can't get enough cheerleading in my ear."
"Which team you going to root for?" she asks abruptly.
Oh, God. The dreaded question. The huge dilemma. "I don't know," I say haltingly, "I wish I did, but I don't. I mean, how can I not root for Nathan, you know? He's getting a lot of playing time, and it's kind of his homecoming. But then, if we sit in the Duke student section, I look like an asshole for rooting for the other team."
"That is quite the problem you've got there," she laughs.
"Thank you for your empathy and understanding," I whine, pouting at her, "Do you see how this is going to be a huge problem either way? Plus, what if it makes Jason feel weird that I'm cheering for Nathan?"
"If he does, so what? Tell him to go to hell. Nathan is – or was – whatever, anyway, Nathan's important to you. If he has a problem with it, that's just it – his problem."
"You really think it's that simple?" I ask.
"Is it ever?" I laugh, shaking my head. "Well, it should be in this case. Look, it's Nathan. You loved him for a long time. It stands to reason you'd want to cheer him on. Maybe we should sit in the visitors section with the 'rents."
"Well, what about Jason then? I already said I'd go with him, and I really don't want to ditch him, you know?"
"So invite him to sit with us. If he doesn't want to, fine, if he does, even better. I don't think it's that big of a deal."
"Well, I don't want to hurt his feelings."
"Oh, please. Get over it. He will. Besides, I think he knows you're committed to him, right? It shouldn't be a big deal, Tutor Girl, stop stressing." She is talking to me like I'm crazy, and maybe I am.
"You're right," I sigh, "I'm just weirded out by this whole thing. And I know Nathan is going to want to see me, and that is going to be a huge mess, and damn, I just don't know what to do without pissing everyone off."
"So, don't worry about anyone but yourself," she suggests.
"Yeah, great advice," I tell her sarcastically, rolling my eyes.
"Hey, it's what I do," she laughs.
"And it works for you. For me, though? Doubtful."
"My advice? I mean, my real advice?" I nod, giving her the go-ahead. "Talk to Jason, and if necessary, talk to Nathan."
I laugh, "God, I was afraid you'd say that!"
"Huh, and I thought you'd expect me to tell you to sleep with them both, and then weigh the pros and cons."
"Nah, I know you better than that, Tigger."
"Well, I have to go. Tim called and asked me for his 'help'. He won't say what it's for though, so I'm kind of worried it's going to be weird. Or manual labor. I wouldn't appreciate that."
"I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate being yelled at like you would, so I'm sure he won't expect that of you. I think he's got a poly sci test coming up. Probably wants you to help him study."
"Ah, my life is so exciting," she gripes facetiously, "It's Saturday afternoon, and I'll probably spend the rest of the day and night studying with my male best friend. Blech."
"It could be worse, I'm sure."
"Yeah, well, that depends on what Tim has planned," she groans.
"Have fun." I laugh as she pouts on her way out the door.
"Shut up," she growls, not looking back.
I'd ignored Karen's mandate that I wouldn't be working today. Well, I only sort of ignored it since I'm not technically working, but I am still here. She did allow me to take Eric back here with me, and he's sleeping peacefully on a pillow next to me. I pick him up and lay him against my chest, inhaling his sweet baby smell.
He's soothing to have in my arms, and it's nice to have a baby to hold without having to take it home with me. That's one thing I'm not ready for. But that being said, I do adore this little guy, and I love spending as much time as possible with him. I think he's my favorite Scott these days.
I glance at my watch, and realize that Jason has probably fried his brain with all this studying. I give Eric back to Karen and head back to my place. My parents are off visiting my oldest brother and his family for the next month, so I'll be alone again for Thanksgiving. Which is actually fine, in some ways, because the last few times both my parents have been in town they've ganged up on me to lament my wild ways.
They frustrate the hell out of me because 95 of the time they forget all about me. They're just too old and too tired to worry about me, and I'm fine with that arrangement. But that other 5 of the time, when they think they need to harp incessantly at me for two or three days at a time is unbearable.
They're gone now, though, so I can have Jason over all weekend without having to expose him to the irritation that I was spawned from. Plus, Brooke and Tim are much more likely to come over when they're gone. It's not that my parents are mean or anything, but they're just not welcoming. I guess that's the problem.
I park my car in the driveway, and jog inside to find Jason, along with Brooke and Tim. Of course, I hadn't known Brooke and Tim would be here, so I'm a little surprised by that.
"Hey guys," I smile, walking in, "What's going on? Are you interrupting study time?"
Jason smiles. He gets up and gives me a kiss. "It's all my fault. I couldn't get a hold of you, and I was bored out of my mind, so I called them and begged them to come over and entertain me."
"Oooh, and what sorts of entertainment are they providing tonight?"
Tim grins. "Eh, we just got here, but I was thinking we could bust out that old Playstation of your brothers so that I could whip his ass at Madden."
Brooke rolls her eyes at me. "Boys. No matter what, it all comes down to video games. Do you guys ever think of anything else?"
"Sex and food," Jason answers, winking at me.
"I'm sorry I asked," Brooke sighs.
"Shut up, Brooke," Tim scolds, "Like you think of anything else yourself! When was the last time you had some great thought?"
"I have great thoughts all the time," she protests, stepping closer to him, "And you know it. Why are you being such a jackass?"
"Okay," I step in, trying not to laugh at them, "Speaking of sex and food, Brooke, let's go to the kitchen." I grab her arm and start dragging her off with me. The guys follow behind us, so I turn around to see what they want.
"I thought you guys were going to kick each other's ass on the Playstation, and yet here you are, tagging along behind us," I grin.
"You said sex and food and started dragging Brooke off," Tim explains, "Figured we didn't want to miss that."
Brooke smacks him lightly on the arm. "Go play your game," she laughs. They pout, but head back to the Playstation.
"Boys," I laugh.
We throw together a small plate of food for us all to share. When we get back out to the living room, the guys are engaged in a fierce battle of Madden, waving their arms in front of each other while furiously pressing the buttons on the controllers.
I swear, I never understood video games, and I was always glad that Lucas never was that into them. Nathan liked them, and played them a lot, but he usually kept his playing to when he was alone or when his friends were with him.
"Food!" Tim grins, "Let me at the food."
He makes a grab for it, and Brooke holds it up out of his reach, smirking at him. "This isn't for you, fool, this is for me and Tutor Girl. And maybe Jason if he can charm some from her," she taunts.
Jason looks over at me, asking slyly, "Can I?"
I sit down next to him, squishing myself into his chair. "You might be able to if your trying hard enough."
"Enough with the sexual innuendo," Brooke groans.
"Hey, that wasn't innuendo, at least not intentionally. Your mind is just so entrenched in the gutter that you don't know the difference anymore!"
"Just the way it should be," she grins wildly. She turns and looks at Tim. "Scoot over, Timmy Boy."
"I hate it when you call me that," he whines. Jason wraps his arms around my middle, still playing the game.
"Do they have crushes on each other?" he asks, whispering in my ear.
I burst out laughing. Tim and Brooke look at me oddly, but I ignore whispering to Jason, "No, I think they think of each other as brother and sister." I crinkle my nose at the thought of them being more. "Ew, that's just a gross thought!" I laugh.
"What's gross?" Brooke asks. I look pointedly at her, causing her to shrug. "What? So I'm nosy, that's nothing new!"
I roll my eyes, about to tell her what we were saying when Tim jumps in. "You're nosier than my mother," he grumbles, "I'm seriously not kidding about that anymore."
"Yeah, so? I'm bitchier, too," she admits.
"You're right," Jason laughs, "They are more like brother and sister than boyfriend and girlfriend. That's exactly how my sisters and I fight."
"Oh, God, and you said my mind was in the gutter," Brooke laughs, "You thought Tim and I were like, dating or something? That is just wrong. And evil of you to even let it cross your mind!"
"Gee, Brooke, thanks a bunch," Tim utters sarcastically, "Glad to know you find me so freaking repulsive."
Jason laughs, setting his controller down and wrapping his arms around me. I lean back against him, turning my head to kiss him on the cheek.
"I didn't say you were repulsive," Brooke sighs, "I said the idea of you and I as a couple was repulsive. Don't tell me you don't agree."
"No, I do, of course, it's just you don't have to be such a raging bitch about it." Apparently his feelings are hurt.
"Why don't you take this outside," I suggest, getting tired of the bickering and the noise, and frankly just needing to be alone with Jason so I can ask him if it's okay if I go to the game and sit in the visitor's section.
I think Brooke takes the hint because she looks at me sort of sympathetically. "Yeah, we can. Come on, Tim, drop me off at home?" she asks.
"Sure, let's go," he sighs, "I've got to study for my marketing exam on Monday anyways. I need all the time on that I can get."
"See you guys later," Jason says.
"Yep, have fun studying," I laugh.
We can hear them bickering on their way out, and when the door finally slams shut – hopefully Brooke didn't slam it on Tim's finger or something – we grin at each other. "I thought they'd never leave," he laments.
"I was beginning to think that, too," I sigh, snuggling closer to him.
"So, how were things at the café?"
"Oh, Karen wouldn't let me work, so I mostly just played with Eric in the back. And Brooke stopped by. So that was about it. How's the studying going? Or how'd it go until Tim showed up?"
"It was fine. I've gotten through a lot of the material, but I'm starting to worry about everything. Hopefully I won't blank out."
"I'm sure you won't," I smile. I'm feeling nervous. I don't want to un-invite myself from the game so that I can go with Nathan's family, but I have to.
"Hey, can I ask you something?" we ask simultaneously, freaking me out. He sounds nervous, too, so that immediately increases my nervousness. We laugh about it, though. "You go first," he smiles.
I take a deep breath. "Well, you know that we're supposed to go to the UConn/Duke game next week?" He nods, smiling a little. "So, I was wondering if you'd mind too much if Brooke and I went with Karen and Keith and Nathan's family. It's not that I don't want to go with you, it's just that I owe it to Nathan to be in the visitor's section rooting for him."
He grins. "Is that what's got you all nervous? I thought you were going to break up with me, kick me out of here," he sighs.
My eyes widen in surprise. "What? No, of course not. Why would you think that?" I'm worried I've been giving off weird, standoffish vibes or something.
"I don't know, I guess it was just the way you started off the conversation. Your voice had a little warble in it."
"You started it off the same way!" I laugh, which I cut off abruptly when I realize what that might mean. "Oh, my God, are you breaking up with me?"
He laughs as he tightens his arms around me. "God, no. Actually, I was just going to ask if you wanted to go to Raleigh with me for Thanksgiving. You could me my parents and my sisters. They've been bugging me about you for the past two months, and it seems like the time is right."
"I – wow, I mean, I would love to meet your family." And I would. The only problem is that I don't want to ditch Tim and especially Brooke. I'm not really sure how to approach that, though.
"Yeah?" He is smiling so widely it is adorable. "My sisters have been begging me for information on you," he laughs, "They'd be thrilled to meet you."
"I can't wait to meet them either." He's looking at me with a half-smile/half-smirk on his face. "What?" I ask, self-conscious.
He laughs. "Tim and his family will be there. You can invite Brooke, if you'd like. Tim was telling me that you get all protective of Brooke whenever there is any kind of family holiday or something. I figured you wouldn't want to leave her."
I move so that I am straddling him, and lean down to softly kiss him. "Thank you," I whisper. I kiss him again. "You." Kiss. "Are." Kiss. "Wonderful." Long kiss. I slide my hands under his shirt, fingers playing over his abs. We both groan when the doorbell rings. "Damn," I mutter, pulling away. "Hold that thought," I smile, getting up to answer the door.
I throw open the door, and my jaw drops when I see that Peyton is standing there. I'm completely stunned, more than I've ever been. "P-P-Peyton. Uh, hi."
She pushes her way past me into the house. "I'm sorry," she says, not turning around to face me. I shut the door behind her. "I know I shouldn't be here; hell, I know you don't want me here, but I didn't know where else to go. I tried to find Nate at UConn, but I couldn't, so I just, I guess, ended up back here."
Jason wanders into the hallway to see what's going on. "Um, Peyton," I sigh nervously, noting that Jason's eyes widen at the mention of her name, "What's going on?"
"I just – oh, you have company," she says dully when she sees Jase, "I should go. Um, I think I can get into my dad's house here, even though it's locked up."
"No, don't go," I tell her, stepping in front of her, "God, Peyton, are you okay? What – what's going on with you?"
"I'm supposed to be in the hospital," she whispers. Jason takes a protective step towards me. "I can't, though, I can't be there, Hales. I hate it. It is so horrible."
"Pey, if your doctors think you need to be there, then you should be there," I try and reason. Jason lays a hand on my shoulder. "Why did you leave?"
She dissolves into tears. "I couldn't be there. I was so scared, and alone, and I hated that. I didn't know what to do, so I left."
"God, Peyton," I breathe. She looks like hell, I finally notice. Her clothes are dirty, her hair looks unwashed, and she really does look terrified.
"Haley, please, I know I need help. I know that. But not there. Not when I'm trapped in a hospital, that's not helping. It's just making things worse."
I don't know what to do. I hate to send her back to a place that she is clearly terrified of, but she can't not be somewhere getting help. "Peyton, I don't know what to do for you. I want to help you, I really do, but this isn't exactly the best situation. Last time I talked to you, you were clearly freaking out."
"I know I need help. Please, Haley, don't send me back to that hospital, please," she begs. Jason squeezes my shoulder and steps out of the room. I know he won't go far, but I think it will set Peyton more at ease with him out of the room. "I'm sorry I interrupted you and your friend," she sniffles.
"It's fine," I sigh. "Look, I need to talk to your doctor. I can't make this decision, Pey. If he thinks you need to be hospitalized, then you need to be hospitalized. If you want to find a different hospital, I'll help you. But I can't go against your doctor's orders."
She nods, taking a step towards me but quickly stepping back. "Look, I'll give you his number. When you decide what to do, I'll be at my dad's house." She pulls a card out of her bag, handing it to me.
"No, you should stay here. Look, you can stay in the guest room for now, go take a shower or whatever, get food, and I'll call your doctor. I know you won't want to wait around to find out what's going on."
She nods, starting up the stairs. "Hales? Thank you for not automatically sending me back there."
I nod. I watch as she disappears up the stairs. Jason steps back out into the foyer. "You okay, baby?"
I nod again. I feel like a bobblehead doll. "I am, I think. God, if her doctor says she has to go back, I don't know how I'll tell her. She looks so scared, did you see how scared she looks?" I babble, unable to stop myself.
"Shh," he murmurs, putting his hands on my shoulders, "If he says she needs to go back, we'll find a better one, maybe closer to here for her. It'll be okay, Hale, I promise."
"I just don't want to see the look on her face if..." I trail, "Well, I mean, she already looks so sad and defeated. I can't add to that."
"We'll figure it out, okay?" I nod, managing a small smile. "Do you want to call the doctor now? You told her you would."
"Yeah, I'll do that."
We walk back into the living room, and he sits down and watches as I make the call. It's a long conversation – I have to go through a lot of people explaining the situation and my relation to Peyton before they'll let me talk to her doctor. My conversation with him is short: Peyton had in fact been making progress before she bolted. Because she left, it is his recommendation that she be back in the hospital immediately, but he is willing to let her choose which hospital that would be. I thank him for the information, hanging up as quickly as I can. It isn't hard to see why Peyton seems to hate him so much.
"She can choose her own hospital," I tell Jason when I hang up. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Peyton was my friend for a long time, but now I'm not sure if I want her choosing a hospital here near Tree Hill. It would be so hard; of course, I could immediately kick myself for the selfishness of those thoughts.
"You want to go up and tell her?" he asks, "I'll stay down here and get a couple more minutes of studying in while you do."
"Yeah, I'll do that." I stop at the entrance to the room, turning around to face him with what I hope is a mischievous smile on my face. "You still holding that thought?" I ask coyly, winking at him.
He laughs. "That is one thought I'm always holding, Haley. Now hurry up, so you can hold it for me."
"Pervert," I laugh.
"You like it," he retorts. I just smile at him as I back out of the room.
I find her sitting on the floor of the guest room at the end of the hall. She's showered, and is sitting here in just her towel.
"Peyton?" I question softly so as not to startle her. "Do you need something to wear?"
"I'm too tall to wear your clothes," she reminds me, "I'll just put my jeans and a t-shirt back on."
"No, I have some old sweats of Nathan's that are actually in the back of the closet in here," I tell her, walking over to it. "I put them in here after we broke up. But they'll work fine for you."
"You won't mistake me for him and jump me, will you?" she jokes, reminding me briefly of the old Peyton.
I smile. "Don't worry, that's not a problem. Or even an option."
"The guy downstairs," she deduces.
I nod. "Yeah, the guy downstairs." I don't know why, but I don't want to go into Jason with her. I'm not ready to have girl talk with her, not after everything that happened.
"So," she says after an awkward pause, "What did Dr. Nelson say?"
"You can choose your hospital," I tell her, figuring it will make her happy. But she just nods and looks away, sadder, if possible. "We aren't friends anymore, are we?" she asks out of the blue.
I sit down on the end of the bed. "I don't know. Probably not. It's been a year, Peyton, since we've had a conversation that even comes close to resembling normal."
"It's not my fault I was sick, though," she defends.
I nod. "No, it isn't, but I can't do this. I can't handle never knowing if or when you'll fly off the handle at me for something as little as being friends with Brooke. I just can't live like that, always waiting."
It is her turn to nod as she looks up at me. "I am sorry. Look, despite what the doctor said, about it being okay if I stay here, I think I'll go back to New York. My dad is in New Jersey now, probably worried sick, and there is really no reason for me to be here anymore."
I bite my lip, feeling downright awful. I don't want Peyton to feel unwanted here, and I know that's what I'm doing right now. "You should do what's best for you," I tell her.
She nods. "No, this is. I do need to be close to my dad. It'll be for the best if I go back there. Um, if I could borrow your phone, I'll call him now, get him to get me a plane ticket. I'll be out of your hair tonight. I'm sure the hospital wants me back soon."
I nod, handing her the sweats I pulled out of the back of the closet. "Let me know if you need anything."
As I turn to walk away, her hand snakes out and grabs mine. "Hales? Thank you for not turning me out or calling the police or something. I know you didn't want to see me again, not after everything I've done."
"It's not that, Peyton. It's just hard. I'm not sure what to do or how to act with all of this."
"Yeah, me neither. But really, thanks."
"You're welcome."
I drive her to the bus stop an hour later. Her dad booked her a flight for a few hours from now, and she refused to let me drive her to the airport, so here we are.
"Again, Haley, I'm sorry. And I appreciate your help."
"It was no problem, Peyton. Take care of yourself."
We don't hug when she gets out of the car, and we don't even shake hands. I think it is safe to assume that this is the end of our friendship. Maybe, even if Peyton didn't have her problems, our friendship would've ended anyways. Maybe this is just the way it is supposed to be. I cry a little on my way home – for what was, for what is, and for what will never be.
Tonight is the night of Nathan's basketball game at Duke. I'm nervous and excited to see him, but I'm thrilled to have the chance to watch him play in person again. Nathan's basketball was always kind of special to us, and I feel like I'm almost violating our relationship in a way.
Jason has been more than great about understanding why I can't go with him. It's pretty clear to everyone that I'm way more worried about it than he is. I spend the afternoon before the game with him, and then I meet Deb, Dan, Karen, Keith, Eric, and Brooke for dinner beforehand. Tim is going with Jason and the frat boys. I think that Tim will join the frat in the fall if we get accepted here.
Dinner is fun. Nice and relaxed, and it is sweet to see how excited Deb and Dan are to see Nathan play again. This is his second or third game of the season, so they haven't gotten to watch him since the spring. But now both are practically bursting with pride, all decked out in UConn gear. Even Eric has been adorned in a UConn shirt that Karen tells me Nathan sent him this fall, probably to bug Luke.
I never 'got' basketball, so I tune out most of the discussion that Keith and Dan have about Nathan and the team's stats. Deb and Karen both ask me about school and Jason, and it feels weirder than I ever could've imagined. I keep my answers noncommittal, not wanting make a big deal over my new relationship on a night that should be devoted to Nathan.
"Nathan is really excited to see you," Deb confides, sounding somewhat sad.
I nod. "I'm excited to see him, too." I know I sound more nervous than excited, and I'm sure she picks up on that. But I am excited to see him, especially watching a game.
She nods back, but doesn't say anything more on the subject. I'm guessing she's picked up on how things ended between Nathan and I, and probably isn't too comfortable with it now. Or else he told her, which is a possibility since he told Luke.
Karen lets me carry Eric, which is nice; now I have something to do with my hands. Of course, Dan purchased excellent seats damn near on the court itself. Brooke and I sit on the end, Eric in my lap and Karen on my other side. My breath catches when Nathan runs out on the court, and I smile as he covertly glances up at the crowd for us. His smile grows when he sees us, and I can't help but smile back at him.
I don't know how he still does this to me. Things have been completely over between us for months, and I'm dating a guy I really like a lot. But the second I see Nate, it's like nothing and no one else matters.
"What are you doing?" Brooke whispers in my ear.
"What? I'm not doing anything," I whisper back, feeling defensive.
"You are, too," she accuses, "You're eye-flirting! You are eye-flirting with Nathan, your ex-boyfriend, while your current boyfriend is somewhere in this building."
"Brooke," I hiss, "I am not. I'm sorry, I just smiled at him. He's – it's Nathan, how could I not smile at him?"
She shrugs. "There's a look in your eyes, Tutor Girl. That's all I'm saying. His, too, if it makes you feel better."
"Tigger, it's nothing. Drop it, please."
She nods. "Okay, no problem."
It's hard for me to know what to do with the joy that I feel at seeing Nathan again. A part of me wants to write it off as a 'first love' thing, but I'm smarter than that. I know that nothing with Nathan and I is as simple as 'first love', and it's not that I want it to be that simple. Well, maybe a part of me would, but really, I cherish everything I've had and shared with Nathan. It's just that all of that makes it so hard to move on.
I love him. Not past tense. I think I will always love Nathan in some capacity, and right now, I still love him in ways I shouldn't. It's something that I hate about myself, at least at this moment when I can't take my eyes off of him. If I were stronger, I'd be able to let myself let go. I've made him let go, and I've let go to an extent, but my heart still yearns for him. Seeing him now has just brought that crashing back against me.
I have serious feelings for Jason. I don't doubt that; I know that he is a very important part of my life, and I'm lucky and happy to have him in it. The problem is that I feel the same way, if not more, for Nathan. And I shouldn't. I've told him time and time again that he shouldn't feel that way about me, but I'm the hypocrite who can't let go herself.
Brooke has struck up a conversation with the cute guy sitting behind her, and Eric is nearly asleep, so all I really have are my thoughts to keep me occupied now. I try to keep my expression closed off as I watch Nathan warm up, but it's hard. I have so much pride in Nathan, and seeing him there in his UConn jersey just makes me want to grin and tell everyone around us that I know him.
Eric starts getting fussy, so Karen and Deb take him out to feed and change him. The game starts, and Nathan is on the bench. I keep staring at the back of his head. I feel so silly. I used to do this in high school, too. Nathan was the only one I'd see out on the court. 'I only have eyes for you', indeed.
He finally gets into the game midway through the first half. Dan and Deb are practically beside themselves with joy, and Karen and Keith look pretty damn proud, too. When he makes a basket, I'm actually afraid that Dan will piss himself with joy. He is just that excited.
Brooke and I have fun cheering for him and reciting her high school cheers. It is so weird to feel 16 again. It's almost like after the game Nathan will meet me outside the gym, and I'll wear his letterman's jacket as we go back to his apartment. Of course, this isn't high school, and that scenario is so not happening, but it's a nice flashback.
The game ends. Nathan had about 15 minutes of playing time, which Dan assures us is great considering the depth of talent on his team. Brooke leaves to find Tim and Jason, and the rest of us wait around to meet Nathan after he's done with his team meetings. I hadn't really planned on that, but I'm here and I know he wants to see me. Truth is, I want to see him, too.
"You okay?" Karen whispers.
I nod, smiling a small smile at her. "Yeah, I'll be fine. I'm just, well, I guess nervous about seeing him again."
She puts her hand on my shoulder. "I know, I can tell."
"Is it weird that there is still something there?" I ask nervously.
She shakes her head. "Oh, honey, no. I think that it is perfectly natural that there is. In fact, if you tried to tell me that there wasn't, I'd assume you were lying."
I laugh. "No, I can actually cop to this."
She hugs me. "You know, things always have a way of working out. It might not seem like it, but they do."
"What if they don't work out the way you expect?"
"Doesn't mean that it's the wrong way, does it?"
"I guess not," I sigh. "I just feel weird that there is still so much between Nathan and I, especially now that Jason is in the picture."
"Well, that's something you'll need to figure out. I have faith in you, Haley, you'll do fine."
"Thanks," I laugh, "You're a big, big help, Karen."
"Anytime," she smiles, hugging me.
I nervously shift my weight from foot to foot while I wait for Nathan to come out. The doors open, and a few guys wearing UConn jerseys step out. I scan them for Nathan, but he isn't in this group. We wait some more, and I get anxious so I start twirling in little circles since no one is paying any attention to me.
A hand clamps down on my shoulder from behind and I let out a huge gasp, spinning to see who grabbed me.
"Oh, my God, Nathan! Don't do that! You scared me half to death," I wheeze out, trying to catch my breath.
He laughs, opening his arms and pulling me into them. "Hey, you," he says into my hair.
It feels good to be in his arms again. That is the first thought I have when he touches me. The instant he touches me, that is all I can think. How good he feels, how good he smells, how much I miss him. God, I think I might cry, and that would be embarrassing to no end.
I can't think of anything to say. I know that everyone is probably staring at us, and I want to feel embarrassed, but I'm not. I wasn't supposed to be this happy to see him, not after all this time. Not after cutting all ties to him. And yet, here we are, once again.
He pulls away from and hugs Deb, his eyes on me the whole time. After he hugs her, he shakes hands with Dan and Keith, and gives Karen a kiss on the cheek. Eyes on me the whole time. Even when he takes Eric from Karen he's watching me. It's kind of uncanny, this whole being watched thing, but I can't take my eyes off of him either.
Dan and Keith start congratulating him on his playing time increases, and he smiles good-naturedly and talks about some new exercise and weight lifting he's incorporated into his workout that he thinks is making a difference.
I can tell he's been working out extra hard – I still know his body as well as mine. But right now, right this second, the only thing I can focus on is how great Eric looks in his arms, how perfect. Once upon a time, I envisioned myself having Nathan's kids, and this just hits home.
Tears spring to my eyes and I have to turn away, pretending to dig in my purse for something. As I'm wiping my eyes, Nathan wraps his arms around me from behind.
"I missed you, too, Haley J," he murmurs.
"How do you do that?" I ask, knowing I don't have to explain myself.
"I know you better than you know yourself."
I just nod, knowing it's the truth. I should probably move away from him and gather myself, but I can't.
"You're coming out to dinner with us, right?" he asks.
"Yeah, I am," I tell him.
"Good." He grabs my hand and we follow everyone out, trailing slightly behind.
"Nathan, what's going on here?" I ask, and I can hear the fear and uncertainty in my voice. "We shouldn't be holding hands, I wouldn't want to upset your groupies," I say, trying to pass it off as a joke when really I just feel guilty because I have a boyfriend. A really nice boyfriend. That trusts me. And likes me a lot. And that trusts me.
"They'll get over it."
I pull my hand away, anyways. It isn't right to hold his hand, and so I won't. That's just how it has to be. He looks at me strangely, but doesn't press the issue, much to my relief.
"What's been going on with you?" I ask, making small talk.
"You mean, how's my life away from basketball going?" he asks, sighing.
I shrug. "I guess. You can tell me how basketball is going, too, if you want."
"Well, aside from basketball, I have no life. I'm a boring, nerdy basketball player who is on track to get a 4.0 this semester."
"Shut up!" I grin widely, resisting throwing my arms around him. "Nathan, that's fantastic! I always knew you could do that if you wanted!"
He laughs. "Hey, congratulate yourself. You were the one who taught me all those valuable study skills, remember?"
"Yeah, I remember. Still, though, you couldn't have done it if you didn't want to, so the accomplishment is all yours. I'm really proud of you."
"Me, too," he smiles, "I'll make the conference all-academic team."
"I take it that is a good thing?"
"A great thing," he confirms.
"Well, that's wonderful, Nathan. I am really happy for you. So, tell me what else is going on with you?"
"That's about it. School is hard for me, I had to devote almost all of my spare time to studying to pull down that GPA. Assuming I get it, I mean."
No social life? Nathan Scott has no social life? The mind boggles. We ride to the restaurant with Deb and Dan, and make small talk the whole way there. It's close by, luckily, on the Duke campus, so we're there and seated in a matter of minutes. After we all eat, Nathan and I excuse ourselves to take a walk. I promise that I'll drop him off at the hotel to meet his team. I tear up watching him say goodbye to Deb, even though they promise to be up at his games next month. I don't think even he realized how much he'd miss Deb, and even Dan.
We wander through campus toward the lot that I parked my car at. We're quiet at first, both reflecting on this evening and more. We turn to each other at the same time, ready to break the silence.
"So – "
"What – "
"You go first," he smiles.
"I don't know what I was going to say," I confess, laughing, "So you should go first."
"Well, mine was stupid, and I doubt I'd want to know the answer anyways," he warns, "But I was just going to ask what you've been up to?"
"It's not stupid. And I haven't been up to much. I spend most of my time with Brooke and Tim, trying to make sure their grades are high enough to get into Duke with me."
"Your boyfriend goes here, doesn't he?" he asks.
"Yeah, he does," I confirm, "But this is his last year."
"Well, he'll probably stick around, right?"
I shrug. "He's going to law school, so it depends where he gets accepted, basically. He could be at Duke still, or he could be in California. We'll see."
"You know, I think I'm stupid to tell you this," he starts, "But I asked Luke to find out how serious you were with the pretty boy."
He blushes when he says it, so I forgive him even though it wasn't too long ago that I was really annoyed by it.
"I know," I let him know, "I figured it out when Lucas started going places we'd never gone before in our friendship."
He cringes. "Hope you weren't pissed at him. It was my fault, I really did talk him into it."
I laugh. "Yeah, I know, he copped to it. I was a little irritated with him, but I got over it pretty quick."
"Is it weird if I ask you how things are going with pretty boy?"
"It's kind of weird that you insist on calling him that," I hedge, sighing, "And I don't know if it's weird to talk about it with you. We haven't before, so I just...I don't know."
"Then I'll ask, and we'll find out," he decides, "How are things with you and pretty boy these days?"
I roll my eyes at him. "You're a brat. Things are – they're good." I can't lie to him and say otherwise. Not fair to him, not fair to Jason, even though it would be easiest on me.
"Yeah? Okay. I want you to be happy, Haley J. You know that I want to be the one to make you happy, but if I can't, I'm sort of glad you have found someone who can." He kind of chokes up at the end there, and my heart breaks a little again.
"Oh, Nathan," I sigh, "I want you to be happy, too. And I thought I could be the one who'd do that for you. I'm still sorry I can't."
"You have tonight," he argues. We walk along, silent again for a few minutes. "I know you don't want to hear this, Haley, but I love you. I can't help it. I thought it would go away, but it hasn't. I'm not stupid – I won't throw myself at you or beg you to take me back. I know you have that new guy. But I just wanted you to know, so that if there's any chance...well, I just wanted you to know."
"A part of me will always love you, too," I tell him. "But I can't let that part have what it wants."
"Yeah, I know," he says, smiling a sad smile at me, "And that's okay. I just didn't want to wake up some day and realize that I could've at least told you I loved you. It might not make a difference, but I'll never regret that I didn't try this way."
"I don't know what to say," I tell him truthfully.
"Don't say anything. This was just about me saying my piece. Anyways, where was your boyfriend tonight? Lucas had warned me that you might go with him."
I nod. "I was going to, actually, but then I realized that I couldn't. I couldn't sit in the student section with Jase when I really wanted to sit with the other people who love you and cheer for you. So I sat in the visitor section instead."
He thinks about it for a minute. "I know it is selfish, but I'm glad. I'm glad you wanted to root for me."
I punch him lightly in the shoulder. "I'll always root for you. You deserve the best, and I root for you to get it all the time."
"Thanks," he smiles, then sobers. "I heard about what happened with Peyton. How you holding up?"
"I feel guilty," I confess. I haven't been able to talk to anyone else about this, but it feels natural and right with Nathan. "She asked if our friendship had ended, and I basically said yes. I feel like shit for doing that."
"Don't," he says, taking my hand, "You have to do what is best for you, even if – well, you know how it is. You did what you had to."
"Doesn't make it any less shitty. And doesn't make the fact that I was glad she went back to New York go away."
He drops my hand and pulls me into a hug. "Knock it off. You did what was right for you and Peyton. She's best off making a fresh start, and you gave her that opportunity."
I shrug. "Well, who am I to make decisions for other people?" I cringe at my words, knowing that I have made a ton of decisions for Nathan over the past year and a half regarding our relationship.
He doesn't say anything, but the smirk on his face indicates my slip. "It's fine. She'll be fine."
"Want to sit down?" I ask, indicating a bench. He nods, and we sit. "You haven't asked me about Jason much. I mean, yeah, you've asked a few things, but not as much as I figured," I point out, "I have to admit, I'm kind of surprised."
He shrugs. "I don't want to fight?" He says it as a question, but I believe that he really doesn't want to fight with me tonight.
"I don't want to fight either. I was just surprised, that's all."
"Well, I told you that I had been asking Lucas. Haley, I know you guys are serious, I get that. And maybe I don't like it, but what can I do to change it? Not much."
I shiver, wrapping my jacket tighter around me. He gives me his jacket, which he'd been carrying. "Thanks," I smile, wrapping it around myself. I can't help but be honest with him. "You know, it was like being in high school again tonight, watching you play. It almost felt like we'd be meeting after the game to go out with Jake, Pey, and Luke, and then you'd spend the night at my house."
He grins. "Those were good times," he acknowledges, "And I kind of had that same feeling. When I saw you sitting up there with my family – well, I really am grateful. I was afraid I'd have to look for you in the Duke student section. Of course, I could've looked for the girl not wearing blue and white with no face paint on. Might've actually been easier to spot you!"
I laugh. "Well, like I said before, there was really no other option. I'm glad I sat with your family, and I'm glad I came."
He stands up. "You know, you should get headed home. You've still got a half hour drive ahead of you, and it is already late."
"Oh, don't worry about me," I smile.
"Oh – you're staying with your boyfriend. Oh. God," he groans, starting to walk off, "Okay, um, okay."
I walk after him, grabbing his arm. "Nathan, I am going home. I just didn't think that getting home early was a reason for me to rush out of here. It's not like anyone is at home to worry about where I am," I point out.
He looks down, sheepish. "I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions. Guess there are just some things I don't really want to know or think about."
"Yeah, me neither," I grin, linking arms with mine, "Which is why I could've kick Luke's ass when he told me about you and what's her name."
He laughs. I think he wants to ask more, but like he said, sometimes you just don't want to know or think about it. Even when you have that perverse desire to find out anyways.
"You love him?" he asks.
Shit, I was prepared for him to quiz me on whether or not Jason and I are sleeping together, but I didn't expect him to ask this. "We have never said that," I tell him, very evasively.
"That wasn't what I asked," he points out with a small smile.
I nod. "I know. And I don't know. It's too soon, Nathan. I like him – a lot. He's a nice guy, and he's really great to me. But then I see you tonight, and I feel like I'm thrown back in time, so I don't know what's real and what isn't anymore."
We just keep walking along, almost to my car. "You don't," he says.
"Don't what?" I reply, having got off track from the original comment.
"Don't love him. If you did, you'd know it and you would've told me. I know you, Haley J, and you wouldn't lie to me about that."
I think about it for a minute. He's probably right, but the thing is, that doesn't mean I won't love Jason at some point. Not all love has to be like mine and Nathan's, which was basically fast, furious, and unstoppable.
I tell him this. "It doesn't mean I won't, though."
He nods. "Yeah, I know. Don't like it, but I do know."
"I'm impressed," I tell him in surprise. "You're not yelling at me, we aren't having the same argument we've had fifty-six times. What's going on here?"
"Maybe we're growing up."
I nod. "Guess so."
We reach the car, and get in. I pull up in front of his hotel and he leans over to kiss my cheek. His lips linger there, and I can't stand it, so I turn my lips to his and kiss him with everything I have, everything I ever felt for him.
"What was that for?" he asks when we finally separate.
"Old time's sake?" I shrug, "I don't know, it just felt like something I had to do."
He nods. "Well, I'm not complaining." He glances at his watch. "Shit, I gotta go, baby. I wish I could stay with you for- well, I wish I could stay longer. Um, maybe I'll call you soon, and we can talk about rethinking that contact ban? I miss you too much for that, okay?"
I burst into tears, embarrassingly enough. "I miss you, too."
He looks shell-shocked by my tears, which, if I wasn't crying so hard, I would probably find vastly amusing. "Hey, it'll be okay, Haley." He hugs me, brushing his hands through my hair. "Shh, Haley J, it'll be okay, baby."
I nod, pulling away and wiping off my cheeks. "I know. It'll be okay. It's just that every time you leave, it feels like the first time all over again. I hate that," I sigh.
"I love you, too," he smiles as he gets out of the car. "You take care of yourself, and just – if you need anything, call me, okay? Any time."
I nod, waving to him as he walks away. I drive to a 7-11 parking lot that is about a block away, and park there. The tears are about to flow, and I don't want to be driving for that. There is just this crushing sense of being overwhelmed by Nathan, Jason, everything.
How can things be so clear one day and so convoluted the next?