A/N: I've started a new story, and I've already got about 3 chapters written, but I could really use a beta on this one. I need some serious advice, and since it will involve major overuse of flashbacks, I'll need help keeping my stuff straight! If you'd like to volunteer (and be my super-awesome friend forever! I know! Exciting, right?), please email at . Thank you in advance!
PS...Erm, it won't be Naley, so if that's not cool, just a head's up!
Chapter Eleven – Heart of the Matter
I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore – Don Henley
May, 2008
Karen and Keith are getting married today. As maid of honor, this should be foremost on my mind right now, but all I can think of is the fact that Nathan will be here. Nathan will be here with a date. Nathan will be here with a date, and I'll be here with Jason, and I'm sure it'll be awkward and maybe a little painful. I still don't want to see him with another girl even though I have and love Jason.
"Hales!" Lucas shouts, "Hales, get your ass down here!"
I roll my eyes, glancing at Karen who is trying to suppress a grin. "He's pushy today," she laughs.
"Today? Geez. I think he's just really excited for you guys to get married," I tell her as I help her fasten her necklace, "He's been waiting for you two to figure it out for a long, long time."
"Well, he's not the only one who is excited," she smiles, basically giddy, "This is – well, I know it will be a great day!"
"Of course it will," I grin, so happy for her. She's been like a mother to her, and her happiness means a lot to me.
"Oh, honey, you look beautiful!" she exclaims, I guess noticing for the first time that I've got my dress and I'm all ready to go. "That color is just lovely on you."
The dress is a deep red color, strapless and form-fitting, falling to mid knee. Karen will be carrying red flowers that match my dress, and I'll be carrying ivory flowers that match hers. The wedding was supposed to be held inside, but it is just gorgeous outside, and at the last minute this morning, Karen decided to have a small area set up in the garden so that it could be held outside.
Lucas comes barging in, probably tired of us not answering. "Wow, Mom, you look great," he grins, as he tries to catch his breath, "Keith is gonna die."
"Well, I certainly hope he doesn't!" I exclaim, and Karen laughs. Luke turns to me, his jaw dropping wide open as he sees me.
"Damn, Hales, you look hot. I – I – I mean, you know, for a best friend, and all," he stutters, trying to play it off.
I step closer to him, kissing him on the cheek. "I'll give you two a minute alone."
I walk down the stairs and take a seat in the hall, waiting for Lucas and Karen to come downstairs. Keith is out here, and he comes over and sits by me.
"Excited?" I ask, already knowing the answer.
He just looks at me like 'duh'. "I've been waiting for this since I met her," he confirms, "Way back in high school when I was just Dan's plain older brother."
"Long time ago, huh?" I laugh, nudging him.
"Eons," he agrees. "I just feel like all my dreams are coming true now, after all this time. Even after having given up on them so many times. Everything has come together perfectly. Funny how even back when I was sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, I knew what I wanted, where I'd end up."
His words hit me hard, and I think about Nathan. "Some things are just meant to be, Keith, and you and Karen are one of them."
"Yeah, we are," he smiles, happier than I've seen him since Eric was born.
"Okay, now you need to get out of here before Karen comes downstairs in her dress!" I tell him, shooing him out as Deb walks in with Eric.
"Haley!" she exclaims, "You look amazing. Oh, honey, you're beautiful."
I blush at the compliments. "Well, thank you, and you're looking lovely today, too. And you," I say to Eric, "Aren't you my handsome little Scott boy."
"Always had a weakness for those Scott men, huh?" Deb asks, joking.
"Probably too soft of a spot," I nod, brushing my finger over Eric's cheek as I inhale his baby smell. "God, this kid is perfect."
"He is a good baby," Deb concurs. "So, how are you doing today?"
I smile at Eric, but it is partially directed to Deb. I just don't want to look her in the eye – she'll either see that I'm nervous about seeing Nathan and what that means for Jason and I, or she'll see that Jason means so very much to me, and either way, I can't. I just can't show those feelings to her.
"Um, I'm doing good. I'm really excited for Karen and Keith, and I've never been a bridesmaid before," I grin.
"Really? I would've thought with all of your siblings that you would have been in at least one or two weddings."
"Oh, no. I don't know, it never came up," I sigh, "But now I get to do this one, and it's perfect. I can't think of anyone I'd rather stand up for than Karen and Keith."
She smiles, letting me get away with avoiding the subject of Nathan, which I know she wants to bring up. It isn't really a secret that Deb and Dan still wish Nathan and I were together, but luckily neither have been pushy about it.
Lucas comes bounding down the stairs. "Okay, she's finally ready!" he grins, standing beside me and smiling at Eric. "God, Hales, it is freakishly natural for you to have a child in your arms."
I slug him in the arm with my free hand. "Bite your tongue." He laughs. We all quiet down as Karen descends the stairs looking resplendent in her bridal gown.
"Oh, Kar," Deb smiles, tearing up, "You look wonderful. The most beautiful bride ever; Keith won't know what to do!"
I can't stop smiling at her except to direct it briefly at Luke when he puts his arm around my shoulder.
"Deb, can I have a minute with the kids?" Karen asks.
"Of course," Deb smiles, as Lucas bristles at being called 'kid'. I elbow him sharply in the side. Deb leaves, and Karen walks over to us, taking a squirming Eric from me.
"I just wanted to tell you both how much I love you. Haley, you are as much a daughter to me as these two are sons, and I love you with everything that I have."
"Oh, Karen," I whisper, tears springing to my eyes, "You're going to make both of us cry!"
She nods, dabbing at her eyes. "I know, but I can't help it," she cry-laughs. She turns to Luke, smiling with the tears in her eyes. "And Lucas, you've been my rock. Every good decision I've made in my life was because I had you to consider. I love you, baby." She leans over and hugs him, and I wrap my arms around all three of them.
Lucas leans back, looking down so we won't see the tears in his eyes, too. "Well, let's go add a member to our family, what do you say?"
Karen beams at him. "Let's go." She passes Eric back to me to pass to Deb before taking Luke's arm, and we all step outside ready for the wedding to begin.
Deb takes Eric, and as the music begins, walks down the aisle with him. Since it is a small ceremony, Lucas and I are the only attendants, so I'm next. I see Nathan out of the corner of my eye in the front row sitting next to Dan and a very, very blonde girl I assume is his date, so I avert my gaze to the bride's side where Jason is sitting with Brooke and Tim and give them a wide smile.
Brooke waves at me, giving me the thumbs up, probably because I left my hair the way she'd done it this morning. As I approach the aisle, I grin at Keith and can't resist giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I take my place to the side of the altar and turn, waiting expectantly for Karen and Luke.
They approach slowly, Karen smiling and waving at everyone as she passes them. I catch Nathan's eye again, and this time I can't look away, so we share a brief moment. I actually feel like I travel back through time a little to our wedding, so many years ago now. It wasn't like this – not even close. But it was special and romantic, and I can't help but remember it fondly.
I'm so focused on Nathan that I let out a scream when something hits me in the legs, almost knocking me over. It's Eric – he's apparently squirmed away from Deb, so I bend down and pick him up. Keith reaches over and tousles his hair, laughing at us.
"Hey, buddy, there's mommy," I tell him, pointing. He just laughs and waves his arms up and down, eliciting laughs from everyone's whose eyes aren't on Karen.
The ceremony passes in a blur. I tear up at several points, and I laugh and cheer at others. It is truly the perfect wedding ceremony. When the minister finally pronounces them man and wife, Keith has Karen lifted in his arms before he can even receive the instruction to kiss his bride.
Eric cries out for Karen, who takes him from me before they walk down the aisle together. Luke steps over to me, offering me his arm.
"They finally did it," he beams.
"I know. Remember when we were about eight, and we decided that they should just do it? Just go ahead and get married?" I ask as we start back down the aisle. I blow Jason a kiss as we walk past him.
He groans, "It only took twelve years. Can you believe that?"
"Everything works out the way it is supposed to in the end. I think that is the moral of the story."
"Yeah, maybe."
When we get to where Karen and Keith are with Eric, they pull us into a group hug, and I start to cry. I can't help it – I've never felt nearly as much a part of my own family as I do this one. I excuse myself, stepping out the door on the opposite side of the building, knowing I'll have a few minutes to compose myself before Lucas or Jason come looking for me.
"Hey, Haley J," he says from behind me. I wipe my tears away, turning to face him.
I manage a tremulous smile in his direction before I turn away, looking down. "Hey, Nathan, nice wedding, huh?"
"Yeah, very," he agrees, "But nice weddings don't make you cry like this. What's going on?"
"Nothing, really. I mean, well, it's silly. But when Karen and Keith hugged Lucas and Eric after the wedding, they pulled me in, too, and I just – they're my family. They are more my family than the people I'm related to genealogically. Isn't that weird?"
He lays a hand on my arm, and I again turn towards him. "I don't think its weird, I think it is nice. They love you, Haley, and I know you love them. What's weird about that?"
"I don't know, maybe the weird part is that my 'real' family has no use for me."
"They never did know what they were missing," he assures me. "Besides, you're too good for any of them, anyways," he says, crinkling his nose, getting me to giggle.
"Come on, everyone will be wondering where we are."
I start back inside, but he stops with his next remark. "You are afraid your pretty boy will get jealous or something?"
"Nathan," I sigh, "It's not that. But he will be looking for me, and I could kind of use a hug right now, so if you don't mind."
He moves closer to me, grabbing my hand and pulling me into a hug. "There was a time when my hugs were good enough for you."
"Nathan, stop. You have a date, who for all I know is way more than that, and I have Jason. I don't think this is the time or place to hash things out in terms of us."
"I just wanted to know why my hugs aren't enough now, that's all."
I sigh, stepping away. "I didn't say they weren't good enough, did I? One has nothing to do with the other," I point out.
"Okay. Look, I'll be here for the next week, and I want to see you. Just us, sometime when and where we won't be interrupted."
I don't know if this is a good idea, but I agree to it anyways, telling him he can call me and we'll figure something out. Of course, it is better than sitting out here when we've both got people waiting for us.
"Yeah, I will do that," he promises. He turns and heads back inside, and I relish having a few minutes of my own.
I move over to a window and check my reflection; wouldn't be so great if I walked back in with raccoon eyes or my face beet red. The door opens, and I don't turn to see who it is, afraid it'll be Nathan again, and I just don't know if I can do this right now.
"Hey, sexy Tutor Girl." Thank God.
"Hey Tigger," I grin, turning around to see her, "Do I look okay? Karen and Keith got me crying after we walked back down the aisle at the end of the ceremony, and I'm afraid I've got mascara everywhere. And this window is doing me no good."
"And you are babbling," she cheerfully points out.
"And that," I agree.
"So, does this have something to do with Nathan having just been out here? I mean, he leaves, you're a mess, et cetera et cetera?"
I shake my head, relieved that it is true. "Oh, no, really. We're saving that for a later date – I told him he could call me this week and we could get together to discuss things," I sigh deeply.
"Alright. Well, you look fine. You ready to head back to the party?"
"As I'll ever be," I smile, and we walk inside, gabbing about how great the ceremony was. Brooke thought it was adorable when Eric squirmed away from Deb and demanded I pick him up. "He threw himself at me like a sack of bricks. I'm lucky I didn't fall down!" I tell her.
She laughs. "Oh, and that wasn't why it was so great? I hope the photographer got a shot of that, because the look on your face was priceless." I won't even tell her that in addition to the photographer, there was a videographer taping it all.
We walk in, and Brooke drags me over to where Tim and Jason are sitting. "Hey gorgeous," Jason smiles, standing up to kiss me, "You look amazing, baby."
I move into his arms, laying my head on his shoulder. "You look good yourself," I whisper. He does look damn fine in his suit, and it makes me wonder how I'd survive seeing him in one every day if we're still together when he starts practicing law. And now I have to wonder where that thought came from, since we haven't talked about anything that far into the future.
I chat with them for a few minutes, standing beside Jason's chair as we al talk and laugh. I am sitting at the bridal party table along with the family. Karen had wanted to put Jason there, but I suggested he'd be better off with Brooke and Tim, and away from Nathan. It's not that I think they'll fight or even talk, but I'm a baby and I'd rather not spend this entire reception being uncomfortable over what they might do. Karen is waving me over now, so I lean down and kiss Jason again and give Brooke and Tim hugs, and head back over.
Lucas holds out a chair for me, and I grin at him as I sit down. "You okay?" he asks, concerned, "You ran off right after the ceremony."
I nod, reaching over to pat him on the shoulder. "I'm fine, it's just – I was overwhelmed with how much a part of the family I was feeling, and I didn't want to cry about it in front of everyone."
He smiles, understanding. "Okay, I was worried. I saw – well, you know what I saw, and then you stayed out there after that, and then Brooke had to go get you."
I laugh. "Luuukie, I'm fine, I promise. I just needed to process things, and you know I hate to cry in front of people I don't know or barely know."
"Or anyone," he snorts, rolling his eyes at me.
"Yeah, them, too."
"So, why isn't Jason over here?" he asks curiously. Obviously he knows his mom and Keith like him, and would've welcomed him here, and since Nathan's date will be sitting here with him, it stands to reason he's curious.
I lean closer. "I figured it'd be easier. I mean, I don't expect trouble, but you never know, right?"
"Well, good thinking, I suppose. We don't need trouble today. Hey, have you seen Jake and Jenny? I talked to him a few weeks ago, and he said he'd try and make it. I didn't see him before the ceremony, but I was hoping they'd snuck in."
"I haven't seen them," I tell him, figuring it would've been too hard for Jake to travel all this way with a three year old.
Just then, the deejay tells everyone it is time to take their seats. I end up sitting between Dan and Luke, which is fine, great even, but the only two seats left at our table are right across from, and will go to Nathan and his bimbo date.
"You look lovely, Haley," Dan smiles at me, before he begins asking Luke and I some questions about things we did growing up. It is still so weird to watch him make any kind of effort to be fatherly towards Luke.
Nathan and his date approach the table, and they stand there while Nate introduces her to Luke, Karen, Keith, and I. Her name is Shawna, which fits my prejudiced bimbo notion, and she talks like a twelve year old talks to a two year old – baby talk. It's awful. Even Nathan looks disturbed by it.
"And this is Haley," he introduces, and I reach my hand across the table to shake hers, "She's my ex-girlfriend."
"Nice to meet you," I murmur, smiling softly at her.
"Um, yeah, nice to meet you, too." She looks confused, like Nathan didn't tell her that an ex would be at the wedding at all, let alone sitting at the same table with them.
"So, that was a beautiful ceremony," Deb sniffles. "I can't believe how beautiful it was," she marvels.
"Well, thank you," Karen beams, "We're just happy to finally have it done with!"
Keith grins at her. "Aren't we, though?" Eric bounces happily on his laugh. He leans over and kisses Karen.
"You guys are so cute," I laugh. Conversation is mostly focused on Karen and Keith, of course, and Lucas and I kind of hold a little side conversation on whether or not I'll hook him up with a girl from one of my study groups while he's in town, so I don't really have to interact with Nathan or Shawna the Bimbo.
"Come on, Hales," Luke pleads, "Do you know how long it has been since I've had a date?"
"So? I'm not your pimp, Lucas, you can find your own date," I laugh, "You're the big basketball star, I thought you had women crawling all over you."
"He's already been through all those," Nathan jumps in, teasing him.
"Shut up," Luke growls.
"Sensitive much?" I tease, too, elbowing him. He wraps an arm around my shoulder.
"You're a brat, Hales. You always have been, you still are, and dammit, you probably always will be," he laughs.
"I would kick your butt, but this is your mom's wedding so I'll restrain myself," I tell him in a mock self-righteous manner.
He hugs me tighter. "I missed you, even if you are a brat," he decides, "But I'm going to harass you until you hook me up with Sarah. You know that, right?"
I roll my eyes. "We'll see."
"We'll see? Eh, if that's all I'm going to get right now, I'll take it."
"That's all," I laugh.
"Fine with me, then," he laughs, too. "Hey, if you can't hook me up with your school buddy, hook me up with Brooke."
"God, Luke!" I groan, rolling my eyes.
He laughs. "I was mostly kidding."
"Yeah," Nathan chimes in, "You know he's still scared of her, right? She could kick his ass, and he knows it."
"Seriously, Luke, stay away from Brooke. I mean it."
He pouts. "You know, there used to be a time when I was the one you were all protective of, and now that person is Brooke Davis. What the hell happened?
"Sorry, but Brooke doesn't need to be played by you again," I tell him, sweetly, "And I'm not going to let you screw around with one of my best friends."
He shakes his head. "What if she wants it? What if she can't resist me?" he laughs.
Nathan laughs and I roll my eyes. Shawna sits there looking lost. "She won't. She can, and she will."
"You're heartless, Haley James. The least you could do is hook your best friend up with a hot girl or two."
"Or twelve, right?"
"Well, I normally stop at five, but twelve might be doable," he laughs.
I shake my head at him. "Lucas, you are way too much."
Our conversation is interrupted by the deejay announcing that it is time for Karen and Keith's first dance as newlyweds. They step out, dancing to 'Through the Years' by Kenny Rogers, one of those clichéd songs that get overused at weddings, but in this case, it is truly the perfect song. They look so happy and radiant out there, swirling around, and I can't help but sigh at how perfect it is.
I'm turned around, and I catch Jason's eye. His smile widens when he sees I'm watching him, and he nods his head at me. I excuse myself from the table, and make my way over to where he sits with Brooke and Tim.
"Tutor Girl!" Brooke grins as I approach. Tim turns around and smiles at me.
"Hey James," he greets, "You're looking hot." He winks at me and laughs when Jason glares at him.
"Get your own beautiful woman, Tim," Jason growls, pulling me down into his lap. "This one is mine, and I don't really feel like sharing with you."
I laugh, kissing Jason on the cheek. "You guys having a good time?"
"Yeah," Brooke says, "Although it would be better if there was more alcohol flowing through this place." Tim nods.
"Yeah, well, tough it out," I tell them, grinning. "And what about you?" I ask Jason.
"I am having a very good time now," he grins, "You really do look beautiful, you know. I have half a mind to drag you off and find a deserted closet or something."
I laugh, and am about to retort when Karen and Keith's dance ends, and the room fills with applause.
"Crap, I have to go make a toast now," I say, jumping off Jase's lap. I lean down and give him a quick kiss, waving at Brooke and Tim, and then hurry back to my table.
Nathan is glaring at me, so I avoid his gaze and focus on Luke. He smiles at me, asking if I'm ready to give my speech.
"Am I ever ready for this kind of thing? You know how I feel about public speaking," I remind him.
He nods. "I had hoped you got over it. I hate seeing you all nervous and stressed over something so simple."
I smack him. "Leave me alone. You aren't exactly making it any better," I point out.
"You'll be great, Hales. I know that whatever you say will be fine."
"It isn't so much the words that I'm worried about, as it is actually managing to say them in a decent fashion."
"You'll be fine." I nod, trying to believe him.
The deejay announces us, and Luke and I make our way up to the deejay booth so that we can speak into the microphones. He grabs my hand and squeezes it, which is vaguely reassuring.
I take the microphone first, both to get it over with and to let Luke go first. I smile at Karen and Keith, trying to calm my nerves.
"I've known both Karen and Keith since I was very little. In fact, they are both very much like parents to me now as well as friends. I love you both dearly. You have shared so much with me, and made my life so much better, and I thank you for that.
"But I remember when we were about eight, Lucas and I. Lucas wanted you to get married so badly," I smile, pausing as he blushes and everyone laughs, "And his idea was contagious, and once I got it in my head, I made Lucas enact what their wedding would be like with my Barbies." His face turns even redder, if possible, and he glares at me as everyone laughs even harder this time. "But our play weddings had nothing on this. This was beautiful, it was right, and it was about damn time! To Karen and Keith!"
"Cheers!" everyone echoes.
Lucas grins, taking the microphone from me. "Well, now that Hales has aired out some of my dirty laundry, I guess it's my turn. I'll be short, because I know it is more fun to be dancing and drinking and eating.
"Really, all I want to say is that there are very few people I can think of that belong to more than Mom and Keith, and that I'm thrilled they finally realized it. Like Hales said, we've been waiting for them to figure it out forever. And now that they haven't, I couldn't be more happy for them. To Mom and Keith!"
"Cheers!" we all cry again.
When we get back to the table, Karen and Keith hug us both about fifty times. Karen tells us over and over again how much she loves us, and we tell her we feel the same way. Keith finally makes her let us go, and drags her back out to the dance floor, encouraging us and everyone else to dance also. Dan asks me to dance, and while surprised, I accept.
"You know, I've thanked you for all you've done for Nathan, but I don't think I ever did for everything you've done for Luke. It is very obvious that you are his rock, and you always have been."
I laugh, "Well, him and Karen have both been my rocks, so I guess if I can do the same for them, that's a good thing."
"You obviously have," he says kindly.
"Thank you," I reply graciously. We chat quietly for the rest of the dance, both avoiding the subject that we both want to bring up.
He walks me back to the table, and after sharing a dance with Lucas, I walk over and grab Jason and drag him on the dance floor, despite his protests.
"You know I hate dancing," he sighs, "The things I do for you."
I laugh. "Yeah, like it such a hardship, the things you do for me," I retort, pulling his arms around me. In turn, I wrap mine around his neck, stepping closer to him.
"So, you didn't choke on the speech like you thought," he comments, "That was very nice, actually. You could tell Karen and Keith really liked it."
I'm about to respond when another dancing couple jostles us. I glance to see who it is, and it is Nathan and the bimbo. He says, "Oh, so sorry." Very sarcastic and not even bothering to hide his glare. I sigh, looking away from him, instinctively moving closer to Jason, which only causes Nathan's eyes to narrow further.
"We can sit down," Jason whispers, hopeful sounding.
I can't help it – I laugh. "You can't use that as an excuse to get out of dancing with me, Jase!"
He laughs, too. "Hey, I figured it was worth a try. Plus, you laughed, and that is always a good thing. You okay?"
"Why wouldn't I be? Nathan can be as much of a dickhead as he wants, but I am not going to let him bother me on a day like this."
He shakes his head. "Can I hit him?" he asks hopefully.
"Jason," I gasp, pretending to be scandalized, but knowing he's kidding, "You may not do anything that causes a scene here!"
"Can I kiss you?"
"You just want to do that to cause a scene?" I smile up at him.
He leans down and kisses me, not bothering to answer my question. "No, I just love you, and I just wanted to kiss you."
"Oh," I sigh, laying my head on his chest, "Okay."
He laughs, splaying his hands across my back. The song ends, and we step off the dance floor and outside by unspoken agreement.
"I can't believe how warm it is out here," I remark, taking his hand. "It's a nice day for a wedding."
"It's a nice day for you to be wearing that sexy little thing you're calling a dress," he grins, reaching for me.
I step to him eagerly and press my lips to his. "Maybe it's a nice day to take this dress off," I tell him, but can't help myself from laughing. Jason looks like he's ready to take it off for me, but he laughs, too.
"Isn't this cozy," a bored voice remarks from the doorway. I know without looking that it is Nathan, and judging by the way he tenses, so does Jason.
Not moving away from Jason, I raise my head to look at Nathan. "Can we help you?" I ask, probably sounding cold.
"Oh, no, really, don't mind me," he says snidely, "I'll just hang out here and enjoy the show."
I finally break away from Jason and march up the steps and stand toe to toe with Nathan. His nearness affects me, but I don't let that on. "You know what, Nathan Scott? You're being a big jerk. How dare you come here and be such an ass? Especially after how much progress we've made! God." I huff off through the doors, forgetting for a moment I left Jason behind.
But he's following me, stopping only to say something to Nathan. "You know, she's never said one single bad thing about you, and she'd never treat you like this."
He slams through the door, looking surprised to see me there. "Oh, Hale, you okay?"
I nod, sighing. "Just pissed. Thank you for saying that. I doubt it makes any difference, but thank you for trying. I love you."
"Back atcha," he smiles, taking my hand. "Come on, there is probably more wedding...uh, stuff, I don't know...going on."
I laugh. "You mean, like cutting the cake, throwing the bouquet, the garter, and all that stuff?"
He nods, looking overwhelmed. "Yeah, I think that stuff sounds right."
"You're cute when you're confused."
He shakes his head, "I'm not confused, I'm just...I don't know, I guess that a lot of stuff goes into all this wedding stuff. It's just weird that so much hinges on one day, you know?"
"Are you saying you don't want to get married?" I ask, surprised. Jason is such a family guy that getting married seemed like it was a no-brainer for him.
"Well, no, not at all. Weddings are just so – well, much, basically. So much planning, so much money, so much effort. It just seems like a lot of work for something that only lasts one day."
I laugh at him. "Men never get it," I say it with such superiority that we both crack up laughing. "What? It's true."
"Then why do so many men go through with the big shindigs?"
"Did you say 'shindigs'?" I laugh. He nods, shaking his head at me as I laugh. "I can't believe you. And men go through with them because they know what's good for them in terms of appeasing the woman they are going to marry."
"They're wusses," he says bluntly, and I laugh, but refrain from commenting. Instead, I grab his hand and drag him back inside, and dance with him again. "This is your punishment for being so down on weddings," I inform him.
"I'm not down on weddings," he says, defending himself from my evil eye, "I know I'd do it for the right woman." He leans down and kisses me – a kiss filled with promise and hope and expectation. When he pulls away, I feel dazed, but I manage to smile up at him.
I get his meaning – I'm not stupid or completely oblivious to the world around me. But the thing is, I don't know what to do with it. Besides, it isn't like he is asking or anything. Not yet, anyways.
"I'm coming over, Haley."
"Wow, no 'hello', no 'how do you do', no may I come over? Just a dictate, and an expectation that I'll bend to your will? Really nice, Nathan, especially after the wedding."
"I'm on my way." That's all he says, and then he hangs up.
"Shit," I curse, pissed off. I can't believe he still thinks I owe him a talk after the way he behaved at the wedding.
Compulsively, I check myself out in the mirror, needing to look my best. I actually rush to change clothes into something a little more – well, racy – I don't know why. It's not for him, it really isn't. Maybe I just want to show off what isn't his anymore, I don't know. No matter what, though, I have the feeling this is going to end horribly.
I'm pacing around, making myself more nervous, so I go outside and sit on the porch, waiting for him. He pulls up in his dad's car, and jumps out, striding towards me.
"Do you want to do this out here or in the house?" he asks tersely.
I glare at him, matching his attitude with some of my own. "Damn it, Nathan, I don't want to do this at all. I owe you nothing now. You should just leave."
"Out here it is then," he smirks.
"Screw you," I spit out, growing angrier by the minute.
"Been there, done that, huh?"
"What the hell is wrong with you, Nathan? Why are you doing this to me? You knew – you knew – about Jason, you knew that he and I are together! Why would you act like this towards me?"
He throws his hands up in the air. "Because you're mine, Haley! Because I love you, because I want you, and because I know you feel the same. I know you won't admit it, and God, I'm not even going to try and force you to because I already know, but why do you have to throw this in my face?"
I turn away from him, deflated now. "Nathan," I begin quietly, "I love Jason. I don't know how or when it happened, but I do. He's so good for me, he means so much to me."
"Yeah, I get that," he mutters, kicking a loose board on the deck. "But that doesn't mean you love me any less."
"A part of me will always love you, Nathan." I can't deny that, but I'm also not going to get into which part of me that is. I just can't do that – there might be too many people who won't like the answer. At least one, no matter what.
"It's more than that," he quietly asserts, "You and I both know that. We belong together. You and me, we're good together, we're good for each other. Come on, Haley." He sits down beside me, close, but not yet touching.
"Nathan, I can't do this. I don't even want to talk about this now."
"So, what? You're going to push me out, not let me even talk to you anymore? That's bullshit, Haley, and you know it."
"No, it isn't, Nathan! We broke up almost two damn years ago! Two years! Maybe you still hate me for the reason I broke up with you, but that was a long time ago! I waited almost a year before I moved on! I don't know what you want me to do for you!"
He shakes his head. "I want you to love me, Haley. Is that so much to ask?"
"I don't even like you very much right now, Nathan. Why are you doing this? Things are going so well for me; I'll be at Duke in the fall with Brooke and Tim, and Jason will be there. Jason, my boyfriend."
"I don't care, Haley! I don't care that things are going well for you – they'd be better with me in them, better with me in your life!"
I can't help it – the tears fall, wrecking the makeup I'd rushed to perfect when he called. "Nathan," I moan, "I can't do this with you. It's too hard, I just can't."
He leans over and kisses me, hard. I am too stunned to pull away at first, and then I'm admittedly caught up in the kiss. He pulls me onto his lap, and when his hand starts to creep under my shirt, I snap out of this spell that has been woven around us.
"Nathan, we can't?" I gasp out, wincing when it comes out more like a question.
"Haley, we can. I love you, you love me, what more do we need? Baby this is so right, this – you and me, we're right."
Tears slide down my cheeks and he reaches up to brush them off. "Nathan, we can't. I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you in any way, but I can't do this now."
"Is it because of him?" he ask bitterly, "Because I'm willing to do anything, Haley, I mean, anything for you. If I have to come back here, I will."
I jump off his lap like I've been burned. "God, Nathan, that is exactly what I don't want for you. That is exactly what I've never wanted for you! That is why I broke up with you in the first place – I hold you back! I refuse – refuse – to do that to you!"
He stands up slowly, grabbing my shoulders so I face him. "What if it is what I want, Haley J? Does that even matter to you, baby?"
"Nathan, you know it does, but I'm not letting you throw your future away for me." I shake my head when he starts to protest. "I just can't do that to you, I can't. And I can't do that to myself!" I exclaim, "Do you know how scared I would be constantly that you would grow to hate me?"
"I would never hate you, Haley! God, I watch you dancing with that damn pretty boy, and all I can think of is how much I love you, how much I want you."
I'm shaking. This is all so overwhelming for me, which is stupid since Nathan and I have had this argument several times the last two years.
"I can't do this," I whisper harshly, whirling away from him and stomping into the house, "Get out of here!"
He stands there, and then he has to go and break my heart by crying. "Haley J, please, please don't end it like this," he pleads, "God, I'm begging you." He falls down on his knees in front of me, and the pieces of my already shattered heart shatter further.
"Nathan," I cry, letting him wrap his arms around my middle as he lays his head on my stomach, "Nathan, stop, please, you're breaking my heart."
"You've already broken mine," he cries.
"Why do we keep doing this to ourselves?" I ask him, trying to sound calm and in control. "This isn't getting us anywhere, Nathan."
He wipes his eyes, moving away from me. He nods. "Yeah, but I had to give it one more try before I gave you up forever, Haley. Because this is it – I cannot beg you anymore. I might not have much pride left, but what I do have – it won't let me do this to myself again. This is the last chance, Haley, our last chance. Please."
He says it so simply, like the solution is just that easy, but we both know it isn't. In fact, it is anything but simple. I don't even understand why he expects that I should be able to drop everything and run to him, why he thinks the reasons for breaking up have changed when nothing at all has changed. I don't understand.
"I can't," I tell him, firmly, calmly even. But I'm shaking like a leaf on the inside. I pray he doesn't see it. I know that if he does, he'll pounce on that weakness and break me.
"Goodbye then, Haley. I hope I never see you again."
As I watch him walk off, I marvel at the power that one man has to hurt me. Logically, I know he doesn't mean that. He can't. Still, though, it's like his words are this knife always poised to cut me and for him to lower as he pleases.
Why is it so hard to live without him when I still have so much? And why do I still give him this power to disrupt my life like this?
September, 2008
"Jason, where is the box of bathroom stuff?" I yell down the hall to him.
"Baby, I think it hasn't been brought in yet. Want me to grab it?"
"Oooh, would you please?"
"Sure!"
He's so great. Probably a little too great – I am seriously starting to get spoiled by this man, but everything is so idyllic right now that it's hard to imagine it ever being otherwise.
"Hey Tutor Girl!" Brooke bounces into the bedroom where I'm sitting on the floor unpacking me and Jason's clothes and putting them into their drawers. "Happy moving day!"
I laugh, "Why thank you!"
"So how's it going? It's a sty out there, you know that, right?"
"Yeah, I know, and thank you so much for reminding me," I laugh, "That was really, really great of you, Tigger."
"Hey, I aim to please," she curtsies, "So, what can I do to help?"
"Don't you have moving in of your own to do?" I ask, thinking Tim is probably really pissed right now if she ditched him to do all the work.
"Well, I hired movers," she admits sheepishly, "You know, the kind who not only move your stuff, but unpack at the new place, too."
"You lazy brat," I whine, "That is so not fair!"
"I can send them over here when they're done," she volunteers, "I'm sure they wouldn't mind too much!"
"Well, that's a nice offer, but I think Jason and I can manage. With your help, of course," I tell her, smiling winningly and batting my eyes. She rolls her eyes and for her orders. "Could you hang up our clothes? Everything should still be on hangers, so it shouldn't be too hard."
"Only because I love you, best friend," she grins. We work in silence for a few minutes before she turns to me. "You know, how weird is it that Tim and I will be living together? I mean, hello, cat fights galore."
I choke back a laugh. "You know, Tim might not appreciate you calling him out as girly and saying he engages in cat fights."
She shrugs carelessly. "Whatever, he'll get over it. Besides, it isn't like I said it in front of Jamie or anything."
Jamie is a girl that Tim met at the beach this summer. She's really nice, although Brooke and I both get the feeling she isn't thrilled with his best friend situation. I still can't help but like her, especially considering that Tim really likes her a lot.
"Tim might never speak to you if you did," I laugh, "She is the first girl who has really liked him in the last two years."
"They just don't know him like we do," she explains, "I mean, he is certainly not someone I could be with, but he's a good guy and he is even decently cute, too."
"You're getting soft in your old age, Tigger," I tell her, laughing.
"Ha, as if. Anyways, you and Tim are my best friends, and I want both of you to be happy," she smiles, "And I know you want the same for me."
"Of course," I tell her, wondering what she wants. No, scratch that, I wonder who she wants. With Brooke it is usually a who, and that who is usually a male. "Who is it this time?" I wonder aloud.
"Why does it always have to be someone?" she asks, rolling your eyes, "I was actually going to ask if you could start earning your nickname again and tutor me in math. I'm so going to fail without help."
"Tigger," I sigh, "You know I'll help you if I can, but I have got a huge plate with all the ID classes I'll be taken. I have to catch up with the other students in the program." I have explained this a hundred times a hundred ways, but it doesn't seem to penetrate.
"Yeah, but you have a math class, too, right?" she asks. This will be the first semester that none of us have any classes together. Brooke will be focusing surprisingly on the bio type classes that will get her into the vet program – which still boggles the mind of everyone who knows her, and Tim will be taking all the classes he needs for his major of sports medicine.
"It won't be the same math, though," I remind her, "And you know I hate math, right? So you'd just be torturing me if you nagged me into helping you?"
"Yeah, but I do so love torturing you," she laughs, "So this whole thing could work out perfectly for me!"
I roll my eyes. "Oh, Tigger, you're always thinking of yourself, aren't you?"
"Hey, I do what I have to do," she laughs, "And sometimes that spares me from having to think of anyone else. But in this case, I am thinking of both of us." I raise an eyebrow at her, wondering how she figures she's thinking of me. "Girl, you spend too much time with Jason, so I was doing you the favor of getting you some much needed girl time," she explains.
I can't help but laugh. "Oh, you are so full of shit," I tell her, "But I love you anyways. Or maybe because of it."
"Probably the second one," she guesses, laughing, too.
"Shut up," I tell her without heat, "Look, it depends on my schedule. I'm going to be busting my ass, seriously."
She nods. "I know, I just don't want – I don't want us to drift apart or whatever."
Is that what she's worried about? "Brooke, I'm going to see you all the time," I tell her, "We're living in the same apartment complex, and you're my best friend, anyways. I want to see you as much as possible. And for things better than math homework. Anyways, knowing you, you'll find a hot guy in your class to tutor you, and you'd ditch me anyways."
She laughs, "Well, that might be true. I am serious, though. Things are definitely changing, and I don't want our relationship to be one of those things."
"Brooke," I begin, using her name to let her know I'm serious, "Everything changes, and if our relationship is one of them, it doesn't have to be for the worst, right?"
She shrugs. "I guess not. Look, I'm not good with this friendship bullshit. I have always fucked it up, and I'll probably do that again. Maybe I should be happy that these have lasted so long."
"I'm ten more words away from shaking the shit right out of you, Brooke Davis," I warn her, "So knock it off."
She nods, looking sorry. "You're right, I'm acting like an idiot. I just – this is important to me, and I want to make sure I don't screw things up too bad."
I hug her. "Brooke, I love you. You have been an amazing friend the last two years, and honestly, I don't know what I'd have done without you. I know I wouldn't have Jason or Tim, and that would be terrible. And it'd be terrible not to have you. I hope you know that."
She nods again. "I do, but with everything changing right now, it's just hard to remember all the time."
"Well, try. I mean it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you."
She hugs me again. "I love you, too."
I yawn, laying down on the bed that Jason and I will be sharing as of tonight. This is all so scary and fast, but it doesn't feel wrong. I don't know if I can say it feels right, but it definitely doesn't feel wrong. That has to count for something.
"This is insane. I'm going to be living with a boy," I laugh.
"That is pretty weird," she laughs, "I always figured Tim would be first."
"Oooh, burn, and he isn't even here to appreciate it."
"I'll file it away for later."
"Good thinking." We look at each other and burst into laughter. "This is fun," I tell her, "I'm glad you're here helping me, and we're getting oh-so-much done."
"Since we aren't unpacking anyways, what do you say we go make margaritas at my place? Tim went with Jason, so we'll have the place to ourselves."
I laugh, "In that case, forget the tequila, I want rum so we can crank up Jimmy Buffet and dance and sing along with him."
"Yes!" she cheers, "I am so in for that! Let's go."
We each put away the stuff that we were holding and then we lock up and run over to Brooke and Tim's place, which is only a few doors down and up a floor. It'll be great to have them so close by.
"Woo!" Brooke laughs as she spins in a circle. I watch her from the floor; I haven't gotten up since I fell a few minutes ago. "This is so much fun!" she squeals, "I loooove this song!"
I laugh like she said the funniest thing in the world, "Oh, my God, Tigger, I love it, too! See, we're best friends and we like the same songs! We have to stay friends forever!" I tell her this like it solves everything or something.
She drops down on the floor next to me, spilling some of her drink on the brand new carpet. Thank God it isn't white. And that her drink will probably wash out. We both keep laughing, racing to see who can drink the most. We don't even hear the door open to realize someone is in here with us until the music turns off and we look up to see Jason and Tim staring at us.
"Jason!" I grin, holding my arms out for him. He shakes his head at me, bending down to pick him up off the floor.
"How's unpacking going?" he asks, grinning.
"Oh, good," I tell him seriously, "Brookie hired movers, and she sent them over to our place to finish after they finished here. Isn't that nice?"
He shakes his head. "That is nice, Brookie," he mocks, "So, I see we've been setting sail with the Captain this afternoon."
Tim is just shaking his head at us, looking around. "You guys are like a two person wrecking ball."
I try curtsying at him, but end up falling down and landing on Brooke. "Hi Tutor Girl!" she says, laughing, "I know you love me, but get off!"
I roll off of her, and Tim and Jason help us up from the floor. I lean on Jason, whispering, "Let's go home, I want to christen our new place."
"Jesus, James, some of us don't want to hear about that," Tim mutters, glaring at me from where he's trying to get Brooke onto the couch.
"Oops," I laugh, pulling on Jason's arm. He ends up picking me up and tossing me over his shoulder and carrying me back because I stumble so much.
We get into our apartment, and I throw my arms around his neck. "This is our place," I tell him, tugging on his hair until he leans down to kiss me.
"I know, not too bad, huh? Beats shacking at the frat or your parent's house."
"I'm just glad we're together," I tell him, leaning against him. "Love you, Jason." I'm so tired now; all those drinks Brooke and I were chugging are really hitting me.
"You're drunk, baby," he points out the obvious, "And I think you need to go to bed." I try to smile lasciviously at him, but it must not work. "Um, by yourself," he laughs, "I think you need to sleep it off."
I pout. "Stay with me?" I ask as he drops me onto our bed. I thank God I had taken the time to make it earlier.
"Yeah," he smiles, crawling in next to me.
This is good.
Halloween, 2008
They're insane, in my opinion, but Brooke and Tim are hosting a Halloween party. I appreciate it since it is cheaper than going to the bars, but it's pretty crazy to risk your housing for a party. Not that I won't be there, or anything.
This year I've dressed up as a fairy princess since I was too lazy to think of something creative. Basically, I reused the Tinkerbell wings, tiara, and wand, and just added a sparkly pink tube top instead of the green dress. Jason has caved and dressed up as Superman, which I love. He looks adorably hot, and we might be able to have some with that costume later.
He's acting weird, though, which is freaking me out. He's been incredibly busy with law school lately. Apparently it takes a lot of hard work – who knew? So maybe that is contributing to it, but he's been so jumpy and nervous around me that I'm concerned. I know – well, I'm pretty sure, anyways – that he isn't cheating on me, so I can at least rule that one out.
I'm dancing with Tim right now, trying to cheer him up. He and Jamie have broken up, and he's pretty upset about it. Usually he's all crazy on the dance floor, just being goofy and having fun, but tonight he is clearly subdued.
I hate to do this, but maybe my problems will distract him from his. "Hey, Tim? What's going on with Jason? He's been acting distracted and nervous and even quiet lately. I can't figure out what's up."
His face pales, and I can tell by the look on his face that he wishes I hadn't asked this. "Uh, I uh, I haven't noticed any of this," he stutters, "I don't really know what you're talking about, James."
"Whatever," I shrug, walking out to the balcony, leaving Tim there by himself. Now I'm really bothered.
"Haley," he calls, following me out, "What's going on?"
"You should know, Tim! Jason has been acting weird for days now, and when I ask you about it, you act weird. Don't ask me what's going, tell me."
"I can't, James. Look, I promise that it isn't anything, okay? Can you believe me?" he asks, pleading.
I shake my head. "Unbelieveable," I growl, "So, basically, you know exactly what is wrong, and you could ease my mind by telling me what is wrong, but you can't even be fucking bothered. Thanks Tim, thanks for nothing."
Turning around, I stomp back in. I choose to ignore everyone and just leave without saying anything. As I walk past Jason, he grabs my arm and pulls me close. "Hey, you okay?"
"No! I'm not okay! You've been all distant and nervous around me lately, and I can't figure out why! Now I know that Tim knows why and won't tell me! And I hate it! I hate being left in the dark, so don't tell me it isn't a big deal!" I yell, all in one breath.
Jason just looks at me, smiling oddly enough. I'm about to tell him to shove his smiling when he drops down on one knee. It doesn't register what he's doing, but it bugs me that he's not fighting with me like I wanted.
He takes a deep breath, grabbing my hands and holding them to him. I start to shake when I finally realize that there are really a limited number of reasons he'd be on his knees. He squeezes my hands and smiles up at me, taking another deep breath. The music is killed, and although I can't tear my gaze away from Jason, I can tell that pretty much all party activity has stopped and all eyes are on us.
"Haley?" he says, finally speaking, "I – you are the most important person in my life, and I know that I want you to be a part of my life forever. I want to spend forever making you as happy as you've made me, as whole as you've made me. You are my whole world, and I know that I will never feel about anyone else as I feel about you. I love you, Haley James. Will you marry me?"
I gasp, even though by that point I knew it was coming. He pulls a velvet ring box out of his pocket, and flips it open. It is beautiful – a platinum band with a princess cut diamond with a small emerald on each side. It isn't the biggest ring in the world, but it is certainly something I would be proud to wear for the rest of my life.
Dropping to my knees in front of him, I wrap my arms around his neck. "Yes, Jason, I'd be so proud to marry you," I tell him, leaning in to kiss.
He breathes a sigh of relief. "Thank God!" He pulls out of our kiss and slides the ring on my finger. I've never worn a ring on this finger, so the weight is weird. Good, but still odd. "It looks good," he laughs, pulling me to him. "I love you, Hale, so much. I will take care of you forever."
"I'll take care of you, too, Jason," I retort, tears streaming down my face. Inevitably, I think of other proposals and long ago marriages, but all I can do is shove those thoughts out of my mind like I've learned to do lately and focus what is here in the present in front of me.
"Can we congratulate you now?" Brooke asks, squealing.
"Yes!" I laugh, hugging her. We're both crying together now, and Tim and Jason have that look on their face that says they have no clue what is wrong with us.
"I'll be over on Monday so we can start picking maid of honor dresses," she decides, "And oh my gosh, there is going to be so much to do! Oh, Haley! I'm so happy for you!" She let's go of me and hugs Jason, who smiles at me over head. "I'm so happy for you, too, Jason! If you hurt her, you will answer to me, got it, bud?"
"Yeah, I got it," he laughs, stepping away to shake Tim's hand. "Thanks for keeping my secret," he laughs, "Even though it got your ass in trouble."
I gasp. "This is why? Oh, no, I feel so stupid!"
"No, don't," Tim laughs, pulling me to him for a hug, "Congratulations, James. Make him happy like I know you can, okay?"
I nod. "I'm sorry I snapped at you."
"No, don't be, I understand."
"Thank you, Tim." I hug him again.
The party is starting to resume, and Jason and I decide to leave, but it takes forever as we are stopped by just about everyone that we know here to be congratulated. We finally make it back to our place about an hour later, which is an hour later than we'd have liked, but oh, well.
I unlock the door and step inside, taking off my wings. Jason helps me with those, and then he removes the tiara that was holding my hair up, so that spills all over my shoulders.
"You look gorgeous," he tells me huskily. "I want you so bad."
I hold my left hand out so he can see the ring. "I am yours, Jason. Only yours," I vow, promising myself that I've made the right choice, that I'm doing the right thing, and that I'm never going to break to his heart.
We make love, and it is different. It has always been good, but tonight there was this new sense of commitment and deeper love that made it that much better. Everything is starting to seem better.