Chapter Twelve – Second Hand News
'I
know you're hopin' to find
Someone who's gonna give you piece of
mind
When times go bad
When times go rough
Won't you lay me
down in tall grass
And let me do my stuff
I'm just second hand
news' - Fleetwood Mac
December, 2008
I spent Thanksgiving with Karen, Keith, Eric, Deb, and Dan, so I'll be spending Christmas with Jason and his family. If I was nervous the first time around, I'm petrified this time. Absolutely terrified.
We'll be telling them about the engagement.
It isn't that I think they'll react poorly. Quite the contrary, actually. I know they'll be ecstatic, and that they'll welcome me into their family with open arms. I have absolutely no doubt of that.
So where is the problem? I don't know, but there's just something off – I don't know, it scares me that I feel this way. Like there is something out there that I'm missing, something that isn't quite perfect. And I want this to be perfect, I really do. Jason is amazing, and he's everything I want, right?
Then why am I acting this way? Why do I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Maybe I have some sort of pathetic deficiency where I can't allow myself to be happy for too long; I freak out if I am.
"Mom and the girls are going to be thrilled, Haley. Almost as much as I am," Jason grins, squeezing my hand. I have to resist the urge to pull it away.
Damn it, this is going to be a hard weekend. But instead of pulling my hand away like an idiot, I smile up at him. "I know they will. I can't wait to tell them. I want to ask the girls to be in the wedding party."
"You don't have to do that on my account," he laughs, but I can tell by his smile that he's very pleased with the idea.
"I'm not. I really like both Lola and Marissa, and I can't imagine them not being a part of our wedding. I definitely want them very involved."
"They'll love that. Thank you," he smiles.
I laugh, "I'm not doing it for you, though. I really want them involved. They're so great, and well, this is for me as much as you!"
"I love you," he smiles, "And even if you're doing it for all the right reasons, I still really appreciate it."
"Well, I really appreciate you," I retort, leaning over to kiss him. When we banter like this, or touch and kiss, the doubts are easier to push aside. He makes me forget.
We drive on in silence, finally getting to Raleigh. I'm beginning to really wish that Brooke or Tim – better yet, both – were going to be here, but Brooke is going to be visiting with Tim's family in Tree Hill for Christmas. And I'll be here, in Raleigh, with Jason and his family. For better or worse, I guess.
But it won't be worse, and I know it. And it is becoming increasingly pathetic that I can't stop thinking that something will go wrong because I know it won't. Why I'm so anxious about all this, I really don't know. Maybe I'm – well, thoughts like that can't even be given any attention.
We pull up to his family's house, and grab our bags from the back and go inside. Lola is there to greet us.
"Haley! Hi, how are you?" she asks, enveloping me in a huge hug, "We are all so glad that you could make it!"
I hug her back, about to answer her when Jason quips, "Hey, thanks, good to see you, too, Lols. Don't mind me, I'm just your brother."
She pulls away and rolls her eyes at him. "Whatever, Jay-Jay, I've seen you more recently than I've seen Haley."
I laugh. "She's got you there, baby.
"Yeah, but she talks to you more often," he points out, "So, I should still get priority greeting if I'm doing the math right."
Lola laughs, and I smile at him. He winks at me as she kisses his cheek. She pulls away and links arms with me, chatting excitedly about school and whatnot as she drags me into the house. Gina and Marissa greet us, each giving me big hugs.
"How are you? How was the drive?" Gina asks, taking a bag from me. "It is so good to see you again," she adds, smiling.
"We're good, the drive was fine. Long, but I had good company," I tell her, smiling at Jason, "And it is wonderful to see you again."
"Well, we are thrilled you are here," Gina smiles as I hug Marissa, "And Jason, it is good to see you, too."
He laughs. "Well, at least someone here still acknowledges me." He gives her a hug and a kiss. "I missed you, Mom."
"And I always miss you," she tells him with a smile. "It's very good to have you home; you should come back here more often," she chastises him.
"Hey, it wasn't too long ago I was here," he reminds her.
She nods. "Maybe, but it can also never be too often. Keep that in mind from now on, alright?"
"Leave him alone, Mom," Marissa orders, "He's in college now. No, he's in law school, actually. He's too busy to come home to get nagged by you all the time."
Gina raises an eyebrow at her as Lola, Jase, and I try not to laugh. "Why on Earth would you think it is a good idea to tell me that, young lady?" Gina questions.
"Because, I'll be going away in a couple of years, and I thought you should get used to children not visiting you often. See, I'm going to go far away and never come back to Raleigh, so y'all will have to come visit me wherever I am."
Lola rolls her eyes. "Whatever, Riss. What makes you think anyone would come visit you anyways?"
"Enough," Gina cuts in before Marissa can reply, "Let's get Haley and Jason settled in. They had a long car trip to get here."
Jason takes my hand again. "Come on, Hale, let's get situated. Besides, don't you have a phone call to make?"
I nod, smiling at everyone. "I do have a quick phone call to make. Lucas will whine like a little baby if he doesn't hear from me on Christmas Eve," I explain. I'll be telling him about my engagement tonight, and asking whether he should tell Nathan or I should.
We walk to his bedroom, and get our stuff settled, and he leaves after giving me a kiss. With shaking fingers, I dial Luke's number. He's probably in his room, but I dial his cell just in case.
"Hi Hales," he says.
"Hey buddy, how are you? Merry Christmas."
"Back atcha. What's up?"
I sigh quietly, knowing Lucas would cut right to the chase. "Can't a girl just call up her best friend to chat?"
He snorts, rather rudely, in my opinion. "Hales, I can tell by the sound of your voice that you have something to tell me. I know you better than anyone except maybe Brooke. So just tell me. Don't keep me in suspense."
"So, you know that Jason and I have been getting really close, right? And that we're living together now?"
"Yeah," he says slowly. It's Luke: I'm sure he knows where this is going. In fact, I'd probably be shocked if he didn't.
"Well, he asked me to marry him and I said yes." I pause, waiting for him to say something, anything, but nothing is forthcoming. "Luke?"
"God, Hales," he sighs, and I can picture him sitting down and running his hand through his hair, "I don't even know what to say."
"Well, congratulations are usually a good place to start," I tell him lightly.
"Oh, uh, yeah, of course. Congratulations," he offers half-heartedly, "I'm just – this is a surprise. I mean, you're a junior in college, neither of you are settled in life. Don't you think you're rushing things?"
He isn't wrong, so I can't argue with that. "Maybe we're rushing things in terms of being settled, and maybe we're younger than is common these days, but maybe that isn't so bad," I tell him, hoping he'll agree.
"Why do I get the feeling you need my reassurance, Hales?" he asks, knowing me too well.
"Well, of course I don't need reassurance, but it'd be nice to know that you don't completely hate the idea and that you'll be at the wedding. I don't know, I guess I'd like you to be a little happy for me."
"Hey, Haley, of course I'll be there. This is just a huge surprise, you know? And if you're happy, then I am happy for you. I guess I just thought – well, never mind, it doesn't matter, and I'm here for you in any way you need."
I know what he was going to say – he thought there was still a chance Nathan and I could work things out. Of course, I can only assume Nathan didn't tell him about our last meeting in the days after Karen's wedding because if he had, Lucas would've realized that there was very little hope of that happening.
"It's a good thing, right? I mean, weddings are a happy occasion, so this is good, happy news." I think I'm saying this more for my benefit than his, but I can't be sure.
"Ah, sure, I mean, yeah. Yeah, if you're happy, yeah, it's a good thing. Um, so when did he propose? And when are you planning on having the wedding?" he asks, obviously struggling with this news. I suppose he's thinking of what it would be like for him to get married and thinking how strange it is that his best friend who is his age is doing just that.
"Um, on Halloween, actually. And we want to have the wedding this summer. Hopefully June. I mean, I know we don't have a lot of money, and my parents probably won't help or anything, but we don't need a huge thing anyways, right?"
"Halloween?" he asks quietly, ignoring how soon we want to have it, "And you're just now getting around to telling me two months later?"
I sigh, knowing he wasn't going to be a fan of that. "Luke, it's not that I didn't want to tell you, it's that we wanted to tell his family first, in person. I mean, we haven't told them yet, but I couldn't stand not telling you any longer."
"Gee, thanks a ton. Why am I guessing Brooke and Tim and probably my mom and Keith know all about this already?"
I shake my head. "Brooke and Tim know – they were at the party when he proposed. But, I mean, that's it. You're next. I'll tell Karen and Keith, and God, I guess Deb and Dan, next time I see them."
He sighs. "Shit, Hales. You know I'm happy if you're happy, it's just this is such a mess. I think I'm kind of glad I won't be around when you're telling Deb and Dan."
"Don't remind me, it's going to be awful. I mean, I know there are a lot of people who thought Na – well, he and I would be the ones getting married, and I know there are a lot of people probably disappointed in me for ruining that." I can't bring myself to say Nathan's name out loud. "But what happened, happened, and I can't change any of it."
He sighs again, and I know I'm probably just making him feel awful, but I can't help it. "Hales, everyone wants you to be happy. Even if that means you marry Jason and not Nathan. It's just that some of us always figured – you know what? It is pointless to talk about this because it is a moot point."
"Not so moot," I mutter, "I was wondering if you'd tell Nathan for me. He and I had a major falling out a few days after the wedding, and he told me he never wanted to see me again. It was very finally."
"And you want me to tell him? God, Haley, I don't want to be the one to hurt him."
"Ha, I think I've done all the hurting. I wouldn't ask this of you, Lucas, but he doesn't want to hear from me. Maybe we shouldn't worry about him finding out anyways."
"You ought to tell him yourself," Luke sighs.
"What? I just told you, Luke," I remind him, "That he hates me and never wants to see from me again. I'm pretty sure that included never receiving any kind of correspondence from me whatsoever. Me calling him is like the worst idea ever."
"Bullshit," he hisses, "You're a coward, and you are doing everything you can to take the coward's way out. He told me what happened last time."
"Oh, and so what?" I ask, feeling defensive, "If he told you what happened, then you should realize that I can't tell him! I can't talk to him, it is the last thing that he wants, Luke! I can't do that!"
"Whatever, Hales. You're being a coward about this. Nathan has laid it all out on the line for you so many times, and still – still – you're considering not telling him about this? Come on. He begged you, Haley. Begged. Do you have any idea how hard it was for him?"
I shake my head, angry that he's bringing all of this up now. "Luke," I sigh, "Of course I know, I was there."
"No, you obviously don't," he spits out bitterly, "Look, Hales, I love you, and I think Jason is a really great guy, and if he is what you want? Then I'm really happy for you. But I think it is shitty that you can't – no, this isn't any of my business and I'm not getting involved with it. Look, if you want Nathan to know, you need to tell him or find someone else who will. I won't do your dirty work any more."
"Luke," I try again, "That isn't what I'm asking you to do! I just think it would be easier if he heard it from you, someone he loves. Not me, someone he hates."
"We both know he doesn't hate you, Hales. He couldn't even if he wanted to, and he couldn't even if he should."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask, even though I already know.
"You know what it means. Stop being a coward and tell him yourself. And think about this: maybe what you think I mean in terms of your cowardice isn't what I mean at all." I'm grappling with his meaning on this one, but before I can respond, he speaks again. "Hales, I've got to go. We've got a team meeting before the game."
"Uh, okay, Luke. Merry Christmas. I love you."
"Love you, too. Think about it."
"Yeah, I will. Bye."
We hang up, and I sit here for a few minutes thinking about everything that he said. Maybe he's right – maybe it isn't fair of me to ask him to tell Nathan I'm engaged. But still, all I know is that I can't tell him myself. I just can't.
"There's nothing I can do about any of this now," I mutter aloud to myself, shaking the thoughts off and walking out to find Jason and his family. The first person I come across is Lola, watching TV.
"Haley!" Lola exclaims as I walk into the living room. I sit down beside her, taking a few pieces of popcorn out of the bowl she offers.
"Thank you," I smile.
"Which one of your hot friends were you talking to?" she asks eagerly. I think now that she is single again, she is actually sort of serious about me hooking her up with one of my 'hot' friends.
I laugh. "It was just Luke. You know, Christmas Eve phone call and all that good stuff," I explain.
"Hmm," she says, tapping her chin as if in thought, "Maybe soon I'll have an occasion to meet the infamous Luke."
"Oh, God," I groan, "You two would be insane. Scarily enough, you'd probably get along really well."
"Hey, how is that a bad thing?"
I laugh, "Well, it's not exactly a bad thing, but it's just, oh, I don't know. But hey, maybe you two can meet sooner than later."
"Oh, really," she asks, raising an eyebrow at me, "How soon and for what fabulous occasion would this be for?"
I think she kind of knows that something is up, and that she probably even has a pretty good idea of exactly what that is. "Well, maybe something will come up sooner than you expect," I tease her. It'll be fun to tell people who will actually be excited about this, unlike Luke was.
"You two are engaged, aren't you?" she asks point-blank, startling the crap out of me.
"What? Wh-why would you think that?" I stutter, shifting nervously on the couch. I know Jason wanted to tell his whole family at once.
"Because I know Jason, and he was sooo excited about something, and I can't think of anything else that could possibly make him that excited." She looks at my slyly. "And your reaction to my asking didn't do you any favors in terms of hiding it, either."
"Damn," I mutter, digging in my pocket for the ring. I hand it to her, and she squeals quietly, clapping a hand over her mouth.
"Oh, my God, Haley! This is so awesome! The awesomest awesome that ever awesomed!"
I laugh at her enthusiasm, glad that the bitter aftertaste of telling Lucas is being washed out of my mouth. "Thank you, I'm glad you're happy about this!"
"Happy? Oh, no, I am thrilled! Oh, my God, you'll be my sister in law!" she bubbles, clapping her hands.
"Okay, I'm happy too," I laugh as she hugs me again, "But you can't tell anyone yet, and you absolutely cannot tell Jason you already know. He wants to tell all three of you together. I think he'd be bummed if he found out you already knew!"
"Okay, okay! Oh, my God, this is so exciting! So, how'd he propose? When will the wedding be? Damn, I have so many questions, don't leave any details out!"
I laugh, but it is hard not to be swept up in her enthusiasm. She is definitely cheering me up, and I'm grateful as hell for that, especially since we'll be telling Marissa and Gina soon.
"Well, let's see. He proposed on Halloween. He had this whole elaborate thing set up, but he was being a tight-lipped ass, and I knew something was wrong, so I spoiled it by confronting him. But it was perfect – he proposed right in the middle of Brooke and Tim's Halloween party, and it was great. So sweet."
"He a romantic thing planned out?" she laughs, trying to keep her voice down. "I can't believe my brother sometimes!"
"Yeah, it was sweet, even if it didn't work out how he had planned. It worked out well for us."
"I know I keep saying this, but wow."
"What's your mom going to say?" I ask her curiously. "I mean, I think she'll be happy and Jason is positive she will, but we want to get married in June. That's soon, think she'll hate it?"
"Hate it? Well, no, I think she'll love it. I mean, June is soon, really soon, but Mom has never been one to get upset when one of us wants to do something, especially if she knows how much said something means to us, you know?" I nod. "I know she'll be thrilled for both of you."
"Thank God. I mean, I guess I always knew she'd be happy, but to hear someone who isn't Jason tell me she will makes it even easier. He's her only son, you know? I was afraid she'd go all Mama Bear or something."
"Nah, Mom's cool. She's the one who encouraged me to go to Yale and Jay-Jay to Duke even though there are fine schools that are closer. She wants what we want, and well, Jay wants you."
I smile brightly at her. "Well, I want him, too." I think I'm saying this more for my sake then hers, but I can't think about this now.
"Oh, my God!" she squeals again as Jason walks into the room. He looks at us quizzically, obviously curious why she's squealing and we're sitting side by side on the couch gossiping like this.
"What's going on?" he asks, cautious sounding.
"Nothing, baby," I smile up at him, "We're just, um – "
"Sharing college stories," Lola fills in, "You know, 'I know this one girl who slept with this guy, and then got screwed over by a friend who went after him' stories. Shit like that."
He nods, confused. "Okay, whatever." He looks at us again. "Is that really what you girls talk about?"
Lola and I look at each other and burst out laughing. "No," I gasp out, "Not usually, but it was just, um, one of those conversations that just come up."
He groans. "You were talking about me, weren't you?" he accuses, "Whatever she is saying isn't true." Lola and I laugh even harder. "I'm serious, Hale, whatever load of crap my sister is feeding you is just that, crap."
"Honey, she wasn't talking about you, I promise," I tell him, reaching up to grab his hand. "We were just doing the girl talk thing."
He shakes his head. "Right. Girl talk. Anyways, time for cheesecake and cocoa." I look at him, curious as to what those have to do with Christmas. Jason shrugs and Lola grins. "Family tradition," he explains, "We used to do this nasty fruitcake until my genius sister here puked all over the table while eating it. She saved us from the torture, and now we get cheesecake."
"Most worthwhile puking I've ever done," Lola confirms, "That fruitcake was inedible, and yet, Mom always expected us to eat two or three slices – each."
"And a tradition was born out of puke, huh?" I quip, laughing, "That might be the most bizarre thing I've ever heard in my life!"
"Well, we're in an interesting family," Jason sighs with a smile.
"I knew that," I tell him, "You claim Tim as a member of it." We all laugh a little knowing that for all his flaws, Tim is a great guy we all love.
"Let's go you two," Jason says when we calm down, "Cheesecake and cocoa for everyone awaits."
"Mom's cheesecake is pretty much to die for," Lola mentions, "And I'm not just saying that because she's my mom and she's standing in the doorway, either."
Gina starts laughing. "Sure you aren't, honey. No matter, let's go eat." She ushers us all into the family room where the tree is and sits us down before passing us plates of rich looking cheesecake and hot, steaming mugs of cocoa.
"It's the best," Jason says simply. He waits until we all have our goodies, and then he stands up and takes my hand, pulling me up with him. He can't keep the smile off his face as he says, "Haley and I have something we'd like to tell you. We're engaged!"
Marissa drops her fork. "Seriously? That is so cool! When's the wedding going to be? Oh, my gosh, can I be in it?" she asks with pleading eyes.
"Calm down, Riss," Lola laughs, winking at me, "And congratulations to you both! I'm so happy for you two!"
Jason grins as Lola hugs him. "Thanks, Lols. That means a lot."
The only one who hasn't said anything is Gina. I look at her hesitantly and see she is smiling, so maybe she's just letting things process or whatever. She stands up, though, and hugs first Jason and then me.
"I'm very happy for you both. This is a very wonderful occasion," she grins, finally. "So, now I would also like to know the details, as I'm sure would your sisters."
We all sit back down, and Jason tells them how everything happened, and I pull the necklace I've hung the ring on out and put it on my finger to show off. They all ooh and ahh appropriately, and ask about a hundred and one questions. But it's fun and relaxing and they seem genuinely happy for us, and make me feel like I'm already a part of their family.
"You realize that June is awfully soon, don't you?" Gina asks, "Now, I'm not trying to discourage you – I'd never do that – but with both of you going to school full-time, it will be hard to plan it in that short of a time."
"We know, Gina, but we don't want anything elaborate anyways, so we're thinking we can get it done."
"Are you sure? I know you're both terribly busy; Jason, you are in law school, for crying out loud, and Haley, I know you are trying to make up for lost time within your major."
"Mom, we'll figure it out," he assures her, "Don't worry, neither of us will let our grades slip or anything like that."
She shakes her head, laughing. "I'm not worried about that. I was actually trying to offer my services without seeming imposing."
"What kind of services?" Jason asks, raising an eyebrow at her.
"Oh, I'm not going to take all the planning over, Jason," she sighs exasperatedly, "But I can help with setting things up once you decide what you want. You know, Haley, if you pick out flowers, I can work with the florist and get them ordered. And Riss and I can scout out locations and narrow lists down for you. Things like that. Don't worry, I won't try and dictate the what's and the where's and the who's."
I laugh, delighted with her willingness to help. "Oh, my gosh, you have no idea how much that would help. I mean, I know Brooke will do whatever I need, and probably Karen, too, but this would be incredible. Thank you, Gina."
"Anything for my future daughter in law," she smiles. I get up to hug her. "My son is a very lucky guy," she whispers in my ear.
"Thank you," I sniff out.
"No, thank you. You have made him so very happy."
I pull away, smiling at her, but feeling a little guilty. I know that I've made him happier than he's made me, which isn't to say that he hasn't made me happy at all, just – not as much, I guess. It's a terrible thing, that. But there isn't anything I can do to change it. Besides, I love Jason, he's a great guy, and I know things will be good with him.
March, 2009
"Dammit, Tutor Girl, hold still," Brooke mutters, stomping her foot, "If you want to find the perfect hairstyle, you have to hold still and let the master do her thing."
I sigh, willing my body not to move. Brooke has screeched at me about sixty different times since we started this ordeal. Yes, it can only be described as an ordeal. We are going dress shopping in – hmm, fifteen minutes now - with Karen, and Brooke insisted that we find the hairstyle I want so that I can appropriately choose a veil. Apparently there is some kind of rule about that which I wasn't aware of. I don't know, I'm just along for the ride.
"Wow, this is a good one," Brooke decides, stepping back to look closer, "Look, Tutor Girl, look! This is so great!"
I slowly swivel around to see what the fuss is about. I gasp involuntarily, amazed at the intricacy of what she's done to my hair. It is half up, half down, and the top half is this pile of twists that look meant to be.
"Tigger, it looks awesome!" I breathe.
"I know!" she laughs, obviously pleased with herself and her creation, "Here, don't move, I'll get the camera so we can take pictures of it from every angle so that it can be recreated perfectly on your wedding day!" She runs off to get the camera.
My wedding day. June 27th, 2009. The church is booked, more for the benefit of Jason and his family than me. The guest lists have been finalized, and the invitations will be sent out shortly. We've also got the color schemes and flowers chosen, and most of the other minute wedding details have been seen to.
All that's left now is the supposedly fun stuff like dress shopping. Which brings us to today. Not only are we looking at bridal gowns today, but we will also be looking at bridesmaid gowns for Brooke, Lola, and Marissa, as well as a 'mother of the bride' dress for Karen. My own mom will just wear whatever the hell she wants, anyway, and it isn't like she has bothered to be involved in this process. Or any of my processes, for that matter.
Brooke is furiously snapping pictures of my hair with her digital camera, and I just ignore her, enjoying the moment of quiet. Sometimes I feel like everything is loud and overwhelming and moving way too fast, but I'm too caught up in the current to do anything about it. So instead I just go with the flow, and enjoy these few minutes of silence and peace whenever and wherever I can get them. My entire life has become fairly consumed with this wedding and the preparations.
Of course, true to their words, Gina, Karen, and Brooke have all been huge in helping me. I know I couldn't have done any of this without them. I'd probably be curled up in the fetal position somewhere still from the first time I met with the caterer. In all honesty, I stupidly thought that I could prepare for this wedding and get things done, but I had no idea how hard it would be. How complicated this all is.
"You ready to go, Tutor Girl?" Brooke asks, snapping me out of my reverie.
I nod, glancing up at her. "Yeah, let's go."
We meet Karen at a bridal boutique here, and by the time we meet with a saleslady, my spirits are bolstered. We decline her immediate assistance, instead choosing to browse for awhile on our own.
So we wander, occasionally holding up dresses for the others to check out, and put a select few in a dressing room that was set aside for us. Once we've got a good pile going, Brooke and I step into the dressing room to try things on. None of the dresses we've picked out are exactly Vera Wang, but I do have a limited budget to work with here.
But I like the selection we've ended up with, and I am confident that one of these dresses will work for me. I try on the first with Karen's assistance, a lacy thing with a princess cut and full skirt. It has short cap sleeves, and it looks like a dress you'd see on TV.
"What do you think?" Karen asks. I can tell she doesn't like it based solely on the fact that she doesn't offer an opinion of it. She is also kind of crinkling her nose a tiny bit.
I can't help but laugh at her expression. "Um, it's nice, but it's a little – oh, I don't know, floofy, don't you think?"
She laughs, too. "I didn't know 'floofy' was a word, but I definitely think this dress is indeed just that."
I nod my head. "Hey, Tigger, the first dress is a no go!" I call to Brooke so that she's kept abreast of things while she tries on bridesmaid dresses. We agreed to only show each other the ones we actually liked.
"Yeah, mine, too," she calls back. "Was yours that lacy one with the mushroom skirt?"
Karen and I smile at her apt description of the dress. "It sure was, Brooke," Karen responds.
"Good, that thing was all kinds of fug," she declares, "But I wouldn't have told you that if you liked it. But I bet you look like you're drowning in lace and tulle right now."
Karen and I crack up this time. "Yes, Karen is about to toss me a life preserver so I can I swim out of this thing."
"I knew it!" Brooke cheers, probably patting herself on the back.
I roll my eyes, and Karen helps me out of the dress. The next one is much tamer and for simpler. It is a cream colored dress with an empire waist and no beading or lace or anything. It has long sleeves, which I'm beginning to think could be a problem if the weather is nice since I'm getting hot standing in an air-conditioned dressing room with it on.
"Well, that one is pretty, "Karen smiles.
"I feel like a roasting pig," I moan, "It is hotter than hell in this damn thing. Seriously, if you don't get me out of it, I might get heatstroke."
"And you call me over dramatic?" Brooke shouts from the next stall over.
"Yes, because you are!" I shout back, and Karen shakes her head at us, but a laugh escapes as well.
"Hello Pot, meet the Kettle!" she retorts, laughing. "Hey, I think this second dress I have on is pretty hot, want to see?"
I sigh. "Brooke, I'm not sure if 'hot' is a euphemism I want applied to my bridesmaids' dresses, you know? But sure, let's see."
She steps into the large dressing room Karen and I are in; she is wearing a beautiful strapless black gown. It is knee-length, simple, and gorgeous. The only qualm I have about it is the color. Black seems so formal, and this wedding is going to be during the day, in a small church here, and formal would be out of place.
"I love it," I tell her seriously, "It's just the color doesn't seem right. When I picture black as a wedding color, it just seems so stuffy and formal. Like a ceremony with ivory colored roses and huge candelabras. I don't know if that'll work for Jason and me."
She rolls her eyes at me. "Tutor Girl, the dress comes in practically every color under the sun. Besides, you already picked colors, remember? You know, the lavender and silver? The invitations that are probably being printed right this second are in those colors." She winks at Karen.
Even the colors aren't me, now that I think about it. Karen puts her arm around me sympathetically. "Honey, are you okay? I know how stressful planning a wedding can be. And I can only imagine how hard it is with you being in school right now, and you have such a heavy class load right now."
I mentally sigh, but force a smile for the benefit of both Karen and Brooke. "Oh, I'm fine, really. I think it was just that when I saw how great the black looked, that was all I could see, you know?" The look at me dubiously. "I mean it, you guys! Come on, let's try on more dresses. Tigger, set that one aside, okay?"
She nods, walking out of my stall and back to her own. Karen looks at me. "Are you sure you're okay? You seem so jumpy, and to be frank, a little lost, Haley. Tell me what's going on."
"I'm just tired, Karen," I promise her, "Things will be better after midterms, I'm sure."
I know she still doesn't believe me, but she doesn't argue and instead helps me out of the sauna dress that I can't believe I was wearing all this time, and into the next dress, a simple white strapless dress. The bodice is satin and the skirt is swirling tulle. There is some minor beadwork around the waist and across the top of the bodice, but it adds to the dress instead of detracting from it. Karen zips me up, and gasps audibly when she sees me in it.
"Oh, Haley, this is it, this is your dress," she smiles, tears in her eyes. The dress is all one length, no gaudy train that will drag eight miles behind me, instead all falling at the same length just below my ankles. Well, it will once it is hemmed.
"I love it," I breathe, "And it will look so pretty with the dress Brooke picked out for her and the bridesmaids!"
"Let me see! Let me see!" Brooke bubbles demandingly through the door. Karen lets her in, and she stands behind me looking at my reflection with me in the mirror. She still has the black dress on, and even more now than before I can tell this is it. This is the perfect combo. This is what I want my wedding to look like.
I turn around, grinning at them. "This is it!"
"It is so it!" Brooke grins back. "Oh, my God, it's perfect, Tutor Girl, it really is. Now all you need is a veil!"
"I think I saw the perfect one earlier," Karen smiles, stepping around us, "I'll just go grab it. You two stay right here."
We watch as she leaves, and then Brooke pulls me into a hug. "Are you really okay? I know this happening really fast, and I mean, you know I love Jase and all, but I love you most. If you – well, you know, if you need something, and I mean anything, I'm your girl."
I almost cry, her words are so sweet, but I don't. I almost spill everything, her words are so reassuring, but I can't. So instead I smile as big and bright as I can when I pull out of her hug, and again lie, assuring her that everything is perfect.
"Honest, Tigger, a little sleep is all I need."
She nods, smiling back. Like Karen, I don't think she believes me, but I'm not going to do this. Not here in a bridal shop in the dress I'll be marrying Jason in, and probably not ever.
"Well, maybe you and I should go to Tree Hill for the weekend. I know my parents are gone, we can stay there," she suggests, "And just have a relaxing weekend of nothing but studying and sleeping."
"Maybe an occasional movie?" I ask, laughing. "Oh, well, I'll be there part of the time anyways, I have to work."
"You just can't let a few days go by without seeing Eric, can you?" she asks, laughing. Like she doesn't know exactly how enamored of that child I am. I've talked Karen into letting him be my ring bearer, even though he will barely be two, and it is unlikely he'll want to stand there the whole time. Keith figures he can hang onto him until we're ready and then let him come flying at me like he did at their wedding.
"You caught me," I agree, "He's my little angel."
"Are you talking about my youngest son again?" Karen asks with a laugh. She's holding a long, long veil – it looks like it would actually take the place of a train.
"Yes, I am," I tell her as she and Brooke arrange the veil in my hair. They spin me around and straighten the veil and have me look in the mirror.
"Wow, that's – it's so pretty with the hair like this!" I exclaim, laughing. I'm so relieved at how things are coming together now. For awhile there it seemed like nothing would ever be ready, and it was like this long nightmare waiting for some other shoe to drop right on top of me.
"I'm a genius," Brooke grins, "But I'll warn you now, there is no way I'll be able to get your hair done on the wedding day. I'll be too busy beautifying myself."
Karen and I laugh with her. "You freak," I retort, "You can't look too beautiful – there will be no out-shining the bride."
Brooke snorts. "Please, Jason will have all his hot fraternity friends there – probably a few I don't even know, maybe a Big B type or something. I need to look my best. You've already got your guy, let your best friend get hers!"
"You really can't argue with that logic, Haley," Karen smiles, arguing in Brooke's favor, "It is hard to find a good man these days, a girl needs all the help she can get!"
"How would you know?" I ask her, arching an eyebrow at her, "You had Keith forever; it's not like you had to go out looking!"
She laughs. "Well, I did, though. Not looking for him, of course, but looking for someone or even something else that was better. Luckily for me, I realized that there was nothing better than what I already had before he realized that I wasn't good enough for him."
I know her words are intended as banter, but all the serve to do for me is remind me of all the things I will lose when I say 'I do' with Jason. All the things I used to have, all the memories I've made – they'll be gone or tarnished, and what will I have then?
June 20, 2009
I am so damn drunk right now that you could probably knock me over with a feather, and when I was picking myself up off the floor, I'd probably thank you for kicking my ass.
"Tutor Girl!" Brooke screams at me from across the room, "Get your soon-to-be-old-married-woman ass over here and get some hot stripper action!"
I giggle at her, and link arms with Lola, who I was standing at the bar with, and drag her over to where Brooke is sitting. It is just the three of us here. We invited Karen and Gina, but they both thought it'd be better if they let us go out and have our fun. And fun we are having.
Lola gets sidetracked by a waiter in a g-string, so I make my way stumbling to the table on my own, giggling when Brooke grabs a hold of my arm and pulls me down.
"Give him this twenty!" she yells, a wicked gleam in her eye.
Blushing, even though we've been here for about two hours, I do as she tells me. The dancer gyrates himself against my hand, and for a minute I almost burst into laughter at the absurdity of all this.
"Tigger, if you told me three years ago we'd be doing this a week before my wedding, I'd have had you committed!" I laugh.
She rolls her eyes at me. "Like you don't love it!" She smacks a waiter on the butt as he walks by. "God, this is good living!"
"Holy shit!" Lola laughs, sitting down on Brooke's lap, "Did you see that waiter? Was he not the hottest thing you've ever seen? Damn, I spent all these years thinking strippers were nasty and greasy! Who knew I was missing out on him!"
Her eyes all glazed over and dreamy looking, and Brooke and I laugh at her. "Well, Lols, you obviously haven't hung around with Brooke Davis enough. Because I know where all the hot strippers in a three county radius reside," she asserts strongly, causing Lola to laugh and look slightly fascinated and me to roll my eyes.
"You're a freak, Tigger," I tell her, laughing.
"I try," she smirks. One of the strippers stops in front of me, shaking his ass in my face. I kind of laugh, trying to push him aside while Brooke reaches over and shoves money into his waistband.
"Brooke, stop encouraging them!" I yell at her, trying not to laugh. She rolls her eyes at me, shrugging exaggeratedly.
"This is what is supposed to happen, Tutor Girl! It is a strip club! Hot men," she winks, patting the guy on the rear, "Are supposed to dance on you with little to no clothing."
"Whatever!" I laugh, getting up, "I'm going outside for a second, I need some air." She nods, barely turning her attention away from the dancer who has moved onto her. Lola is flirting with the waiter again, paying no attention to us, so I don't feel like I'm ditching her, either.
I get outside, and slump against the wall. I'm getting married in – wow, in a week now. To Jason. God, I am getting married to Jason in a week. How did things go so fast? How did I get here?
Unbidden, thoughts of Nathan come to mind, and my hand unconsciously moves over the '23' tattoo that still graces my lower back. Jason has never asked about it, but I'm sure that if he didn't get filled in by Tim, he figured it out since Nathan still uses that number. Of course, I never told Jason that I was once married to Nathan, either. He thinks this is both of our first marriage.
I guess legally he's right. Our parents had our marriage annulled, which is basically just erasing it from the records. I don't know why I haven't told Jason – maybe it just hasn't come up, but that's not fair. Of course it hasn't come up. Who would ask if you were once married to your high school sweetheart for a few months in high school? No one.
There have been a thousand times I could have told Jason, and there have been a thousand more where I should have told him. But I can't. No, more to the point, I don't want to. I don't want to sever that last tie I have to Nathan. Our brief marriage is, in some ways, all that I have left of him now. I don't want to lose that.
It is so selfish and pathetic that I am willing to start our marriage on a lie like that. There is no way I can even convince myself that it isn't a big one because I know. I know it is. It's huge, and that is all there is to it.
And Nathan, oh, God, Nathan. Why do I spend half of my waking hours thinking of him? Why can't I shake these thoughts that maybe – maybe – I'm not doing the right thing? Why am I so damn scared and stressed out over all of this? It is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, and I'm acting like someone is sending me to a firing squad.
By the time I get through all these thoughts, I'm gasping for breath and shaking like a leaf. What if I'm doing the wrong thing?
June 27, 2009
This is it. Today I will no longer be Haley James, or Haley James Scott, as I've occasionally thought of myself; no, I will be Haley Smith, wife of Jason Smith.
Wife. Why does that word feel so heavy all of a sudden? Why does it feel like it is the greatest burden in the world, and I don't think I'm strong enough to bare it?
Karen and Brooke are in here helping me get ready, and I know they both know something is wrong with me, but neither have said so. Thank God. What would I say? Yeah, I've spent all my savings on this wedding, and yeah, it would break Jason's heart, but I'm just not feeling it? Yeah, right.
They both keep giving me concerned glances, though, looking at me sideways as they straighten my veil on my head or help me into my shoes. Outwardly, everything is perfect. Even I can see that. My simple bouquet of white roses is perfect, as are the bridesmaid bouquets of lavender and silvery-gray roses. Brooke looks perfect in her silver dress, and I know Lola and Marissa look perfect, too.
I'm barely paying attention as Brooke excuses herself from the room so that Karen and I can chat. "Honey, are you okay?" she asks, obviously very concerned, "It seems like you're in a bit of a daze."
I nod, trying to clear my head. "Just excited," I mutter, pathetically unconvincing, "Can't wait to get married." God, I'm about to cry. I can't cry now, I can't.
"Haley, honey, you need to tell me now if you can't – "
I glance sharply towards her, interrupting, "There is no 'can't'. I can't 'can't' do this. I have to do this, there is question of that!"
"Haley, you always have choices," she says gently, "And if you want to choose not to get married, I'll do whatever you need me to do, okay, baby?"
The tears spill over, and Karen wipes them away gently. "Karen, I have to marry him. It would hurt him so much if I didn't, and think of all the people that would hate me. Gina, Lola, Marissa – God, Kare, Tim would hate me, and he is one of my best friends."
"Tim wouldn't hate you, Haley. He might be upset with you, and hurt, but he wouldn't hate you."
I shake my head. "You know what? It doesn't matter, though, because I'm not backing out. I promised Jason I'd marry him, and I'll do exactly that," I say firmly, trying to make myself believe I can go through with it.
Brooke steps quietly back in. "Looks like everyone is out there. Even Peyton is here, Tutor Girl," she smiles. I think she's trying to cheer me up with that news, but I could care less who is out there. I actually wish that no one was out there.
"Wow, Peyton? Didn't know if her doctors would let her leave the city for that long," I mumble, welcoming the whirlwind distraction that is Brooke.
"I met two of your brothers," she comments, continuing her babbling, "How come you were holding out on their hotness from me? Sure, they're a little older, but come on, this is 2009 – a girl can go out with an older guy."
Karen smiles. "Two of her older brothers are older than I am," she points out, "And they are all married."
"Details, details," Brooke jokes, winking.
A knock sounds at the door, and we all quiet as Brooke moves to answer it. "Ah, Broody, come on in. She's over there," she points, indicating me. She and Karen both make there excuses, Karen promising to return shortly with Keith and Eric for a family moment.
Once the door shuts behind them, Luke turns to me. "What's wrong, Hales? And please don't say 'nothing', I'm not stupid and I know better."
I shake my head, unable to get words out. "I – I am so scared, Luke," I choke out, my whole body shaking violently.
Concern washes over his face, and he drops down next to me, wrapping his arms around me. "Oh, Hales, why? Does Jason hurt you, baby? Just tell me, I won't let that happen ever again, okay?"
I laugh at his jump to that conclusion. "No, he doesn't hurt me, Luke. He's too good for me, and he loves me so much. And then I'm just – I'm here, and I don't even know, and I'm so scared that I'm going to hurt him so bad, and he'll hate me, everyone will hate me!"
He hugs me tighter. "Hales, tell me what you need. Tell me what you need for this to be made okay because I will do it for you."
"Tell me I'm doing the right thing, Luke!" I beg, looking up at him with pleading, desperate eyes, "I need you to tell me that!"
He shakes his head. "Oh, Hales, only you know that." He looks so sad for me, but at the same time, he looks proud, like I'm getting something I should've got a long time ago. "Does this have anything to do with Nathan?"
I shrug. "I don't know," I whisper, although I really do, "I haven't even told Jason that Nathan and I were married. How lame am I?"
He looks at me sympathetically. "Hales, it isn't such a big deal, that. I mean, high school? Come on, right?"
I nod, trying to believe something that I can tell even he doesn't believe. "I feel like a fraud right now," I whisper.
"Knock, knock," Karen calls, slightly opening the door, "Can we come in?"
Luke wipes the tears from face as he answers her. "Sure, Mom, come on in. We were just having one last unmarried best friend chat."
All three of them step through the door, and Eric immediately struggles to be let down so he can run to me. When Keith sets him down, he does just that.
"I think I should be jealous," Luke quips, "My baby brother is always choosing Haley over me. Just isn't fair!"
"Maybe you should visit more often," Karen smiles, gently chastising him for the fewer and farther between nature of his visits.
"Yeah, or maybe that."
I cradle Eric in my arms, paying little attention to everything else. It is easier to focus on him, someone I know will love and adore me no matter what. As if reading my thoughts, Keith clears his throat.
"Haley, I just wanted to let you know that you've been like a daughter to me, probably since the day we met and you started nagging me about when I'd propose to Karen. You've done a world of good for my family – for Karen, and Luke, and Eric – and I want you to know that all of us, all four of us, are here for you no matter what. No matter what," he repeats for emphasis.
I nod, unsure of what to say, so I stick with the simple, "Thank you, Keith."
He leans over and hugs me around Eric and Luke. "You're welcome, Haley. And I meant it – we all love you so much. You truly are a daughter and sister to us."
I smile, brushing away a tear. "Thank you, you have no idea how much that means, how much I needed to hear that." He looks at Karen, and I begin to think that maybe, just maybe, he did know exactly how much I needed it.
I stand up, still holding Eric, with Luke's assistance, and pull them all in for a hug. "In the ways that count, you are truly my family. I love you all so much!" I tell them, trying to hold my tears in.
"We love you, too, Hales," Luke says, kissing my cheek, "We all love you, and we all support you no matter what, through everything, okay? You know that, right?"
I nod, laying my head on his shoulder. "I know." And I just can't help but think I might need that help.
"James, you are looking good," Tim enthuses, as he jogs over, sweeping me up in a hug. "Look at you!"
"Thanks, Smith," I laugh, blushing. I'm trying really hard not let my fear, and my doubts, and the conflict I'm feeling show right now. Luckily Tim is more focused on being excited that one of his best friends is marrying his cousin, so I don't think he even notices yet.
"It's a great day for a wedding, isn't it?" he grins, hugging me again. "You're going to be family soon!"
I nearly shudder, thinking of all that entails, but I think I manage to keep my smile pasted on.
"Hey, you okay?" he asks, concerned, "You're looking kind of, um, well, a little green. That can't be good. God, you aren't pregnant, are you?"
"No!" I practically shout at him. "God, of course, I'm not pregnant, Tim! I can't believe you even suggested that."
He shrugs. "Just saying. But hey, you – you'd tell me if you weren't okay, right? If, um, well, you know, if this wasn't going to – "he cuts himself off, unsure of what to say.
My eyes fill with tears for about the hundredth time in the last half hour, and I just nod. "I'm fine, Tim," I whisper. "You'd better get inside, I think we're about to start."
He still looks concerned, but nods. "Okay, I'll go. Hey, you know I love you, right?" he offers, smiling.
I nod back at him. "I know. I love you, too. You're a great friend, Smith."
"You, too, James."
Everyone is inside now except Brooke, Marissa, Lola, Eric, my father, and me. We are waiting for the music to strike up, and as the wait grows longer, my nerves become more frayed and I get closer to either throwing up or fainting. Of course, I probably won't do either, but I feel like I'm going to arrive at some horrible point of no return, and who knows what will happen.
Brooke steps over to me as first Marissa and then Lola walk down the aisle of the church. She smiles at me as she fixes my veil. "Anything you need, Haley," she says, still smiling. She squeezes my hand. "Anything at all, I'm here, okay? Do what you got to!"
I nod, fighting back the tears that are yet again threatening. Marissa and Lols are both standing at the altar now – I can see them from where I stand on the right side of the door, and they smile at me, but I'm hidden from Jason's view.
I kneel down to Eric. "Okay, baby," I tell him, smiling as I straighten his bow tie, "You have to walk down and get Brookie now, okay? Go get Brookie!" He takes off, sprinting down the aisle and throwing himself at Brooke who scoops him up, grinning at him as he pulls on her hair.
My dad turns to me as 'my song' starts to play. "You ready?"
The shaking resumes, attacking my entire body. "I – yeah, let's go." As if my dad is a person I'd want to talk to about any of this. There is just no way.
We start walking, and I glance at all of the faces in the audience. Peyton, Jake, and Jenny. Karen and Keith sitting by Deb and Dan, who look sad but happy at the same time. My brothers and my sisters with their spouses and children. My mom. Gina and the rest of Jason's family. Luke and Tim, standing up next to Jason. The only person I can't seem to look at is Jason.
I make eye contact with Brooke, and I can tell by the look on her face that she knows exactly what I'm thinking, feeling, and it isn't good. She smiles slightly, probably in sympathy. I will myself to glance up and make eye contact with Jason, and when I do – I know. I can't do this.
I find myself slowing down, and my dad looks down at me, maybe even with concern, but probably just impatience. My feet start to drag, and I can see the looks of realization cross people's faces – Jason's face. It is getting hard to breathe, and all of a sudden, the only thing I can think to do is run. And so I do.
I turn and run like the coward that I am. Making no further eye contact and not bothering to check the tears that are no falling freely, I run as fast as I can in this damn cumbersome dress. I can hear the gasps and whispers and exclamations as I do this, and all I can see is the last glimpse of Jason's face that I'd got. It was that moment where he realized what was happening, and what wasn't going to happen.
"Haley!" someone calls, probably Brooke or Karen, and I know at least one of them will be coming after me.
"Oh, God, oh, God," I chant aloud as I run. I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know what I'll do when I get there, but I just know I cannot be here, not one single second longer. As I burst out the doors at the outer entrance of the church, I run into someone, and fall down on the steps.
"Are you okay?" the person asks, and I gasp in shock.
"Nathan? Oh, shit, what are you doing here?" I wail, unable to deal with anyone, perhaps him most of all, right now.
"I – I don't know, I guess I couldn't stay away. Had to see it for myself to believe it," he spits out bitterly. He looks closer at me, taking in the tears on my face, the makeup that was once perfect but probably now ruined, and the veil that is askew, and his eyes widen with realization. "Do you need a ride?"
I'm panting – out of fear, shock, embarrassment, and a whole slough of other emotions I can't quite identify. Accepting Nathan's offer of a ride would probably be the worst thing I could possibly do right now. In fact, I can see no way in which it wouldn't be. But what else can I do? I have to get out of here, if only for my own sanity, and I don't have a car here, and I can't even get access to one without going back inside.
"Yeah, I need a ride," I tell him pitifully, tears streaming down my face. He's sweet as he helps me up, but he doesn't take my hand or invade my space at all, something I am grateful for.
"Come on, I parked right there in the fire lane," he tells me, pointing, "I wasn't going to stay long."
I nod at his explanation, but don't say anything. There isn't anything to say right now; nothing that will make either of us happy, anyway. As he helps me into his car, I see Jason and Luke and Brooke and Tim and Karen and Keith and Jason's family all crowding out the doors. I see the look on Jason's face, the anguish, and when my face falls, and fresh tears spring to my eyes, Nathan squeezes my shoulder in quiet reassurance before running around to his door and jumping in.
I relax in the seat as he pulls away – all tension drains from my body, and I feel imminently better. I guess this is one of knowing I made the right decision – it does feel right. Oh, I feel awful about it all – rightfully so, I should feel awful, but I know I made the right decision.
"They're all gonna hate me," I whisper, finally breaking the silence several miles down the road.
He shakes his head. "Hey, they will not."
"God, I screwed up, I screwed up so bad," I cry, pulling my knees up against my chest, hugging them to me.
"Maybe it would have been worse of a mistake if you went through with it," he points out quietly.
I nod. "I know that, I do, but God, I saw his face – I saw it and I ran away. How can he not hate me?"
He just shrugs, not saying anything. God, I'm so stupid – he hates me, too. "Dammit, Nathan, why are you here?" I ask, lashing out at him. It is rude and unfair and so wrong, but I need to lash out at someone, and he is the only one in the car. "You hate me, you told me so!"
He shakes his head. "Hey, Haley, I never said that. I just said I never wanted to see you again. There's a difference," he says wryly.
"Not much of one," I point out, "You generally don't want to make a point of never seeing someone that you love or even just like again."
"You do when it hurts too bad," he sighs. "Look, where do you want me to drop you off? Your apartment? Your parent's place in Tree Hill? You gotta give me something here, Haley."
He isn't going to stay with me. Well, of course he isn't. Why would he? I shouldn't have expected that he would have, after all he isn't my biggest fan in the world, right?
"Um, I don't know, is – I can't go back to the apartment," I whisper, "They'll look there, and I don't want to go to my parent's house. They'll yell at me. Can you drop me off at the café?"
He nods, and I know he understands. "Yeah, I'll drop you there. You'll be okay, right?"
"I'm not going to kill myself if that's what you're asking," I tell him. I'm quiet for a minute, and then sigh. "I'm sorry, I'll be fine. I promise. I'll just wait for Lucas to get back."
He nods. "You need a cell phone or anything?"
I shake my head. "I'll be fine. I doubt I'll need to call anyone."
He nods again, and we fall silent. I just sit here in the passenger seat with my knees tucked under my chin. There isn't anything for either of us to say right now, and so we don't even bother pretending. I know I'm not in the mood to make small talk, and I doubt he is either.
About a half hour later we arrive at the café. It is open; the high school students have been entrusted with the duty of being here on their own for the day. Nathan parks right in front, and I sit here staring at the building.
"Luke decided to tell you? Or did your parents?" I ask, curious.
"They all did," he replies, sighing. "Luke said he thought you might, but I guess not."
"You said you didn't want to see me, and I figured that meant hearing from me, too. And it was too hard," I shrug, "I just couldn't bring myself to do it."
"Haley?" he asks quietly, "Are you going to be okay?"
I nod wordlessly. I open the door and step out. He opens his door and jumps out, too, escorting me into the back room of the café past all the prying, confused eyes. I guess it isn't every day a crying woman in a bridal gown makes her way through a small-town café with a man that isn't her fiancé.
"I uh, I better go," he says, shifting awkwardly.
I nod, respecting that he doesn't want to be near me now. "Thanks for rescuing me," I tell him, offering a small, small smile.
"Yeah, I'm glad I could be of some help," he says, smiling a little. "Hey, you know, things will be okay eventually, Haley. You'll figure things out."
He waves, and then turns and walks out of my life again. I nod, even though I don't believe him. After what I've done, I doubt anything will ever be okay again.