Chapter Thirteen – Within You, Without You

'Try to realize it's all within yourself

No one else can make you change

And to see you're really only very small

And life flows on within you and without you' – Beatles

June 28, 2009

"Haley?" a gentle voice calls my name, "Hales, wake up, Hales."

I mumble something that even I can't understand. My eyes feel swollen, and when I pry them open I realize why. I'm still wearing my wedding dress, and if that doesn't immediately bring into focus all that happened in the past twenty-four hours, I don't know what would.

"Luke?" I ask, reaching out for him. He pulls me into a hug, smoothing my hair down.

"I'm here, Hales, I'm here. How are you feeling?" he asks, pulling back to look me over with concerned eyes.

I shrug. "Guess about as good as you'd expect." I'm sitting against the wall, and Luke shifts so that he sitting by my side, also against the wall. I work up the nerve to ask the question I dread the answer to. "What happened after I left?" I choke out.

He shakes his head before dropping it down into his hands. "It wasn't good, Hales, I can't lie. Um, people are pretty upset. Your parents, Jason and his family. It wasn't pretty."

I nod, knowing all this would've been true. "And I guess Tim and Brooke hate me, too," I sigh.

He shakes his head. "Brooke is waiting in the café. She is so worried about you; in fact, I could barely get her to agree to let me see you first. I don't know about Tim, though, he went off with his family."

I nod, a few tears escaping my eyes. "I thought I was all cried out," I sigh, "But I can't stop now." I look over at Luke. "Everyone knows what happened?"

"You mean who you left with?" I nod. "Yeah, they all saw. Jason, um, I think he's thinking you had planned it or something."

"I figured. Shit. I saw you guys – God, I saw everyone standing in the doorway of the church when he was helping me into the car, but – there was nothing I could do then." I'm shaking again, uncontrollably.

Lucas looks at me questioningly. "Have you been shaking like that much?" he asks, concerned. "That can't be good for you."

I shrug. "On and off since before the wedding. The last week or so. I don't know, any time I'd think about things, I couldn't stop shaking."

"God, Hales." He wraps an arm around my shoulder. "Come on, let's sneak you out the back door, and get you to Mom and Keith's place, okay? I'll let you steal a pair of my sweats to wear."

"Brooke," I mumble, remembering that he'd told me she was waiting in the café. "Gotta get Brooke."

He nods. "Okay, I'll go get her now, okay, Hales? Okay?" I nod. "I'll be right back, and everything is going to be okay. I'll make sure!" I nod again, even though I know he's lying to placate me.

He walks out the door, and I can hear him talking to Brooke. "She's shaking, Brooke. It is out of control. I think she might need to see a doctor. She's not...she's out of it."

"She's that bad?" Brooke gasps, "She probably hasn't eaten since Friday night, and who knows if she's even had any liquid. Maybe we should take her to the ER."

I don't want to go to the doctor, but I don't have the strength to argue with them if the push the issue. "Tutor Girl?" Brooke calls as they walk back into the room, "Hey honey, I missed you."

She falls to her knees beside me and hugs the hell out of me. "Tigger, I messed up so bad, what am I going to do?"

"Nothing," she says firmly, "You didn't mess up at all, anyways. Messing up would've been marrying him when you didn't want to." I look at her like she's smoking something and she shrugs. "Fine, maybe you went about it in the wrong way, but it wasn't the wrong thing to do. I promise."

"She's right, Hales, come on now, let's get you out of that dress, okay?"

"It must be a cold day in hell," Brooke mutters, "Lucas Scott just agreed with me."

I can't help – I laugh. I gasp in shock and blanch after, but it was there. And it shouldn't have been. I have no right to be laughing right now, even if Luke and Brooke are amusing in their arguments.

"It's okay to laugh, Hales," Luke says, noting the look on my face, "You can't suppress emotion."

I shake my head, denying that. "Luke, I can't feel things. Not good things, not after what I did to Jason. God, and Nathan, all the times I hurt him. Look at what I've done!"

Brooke looks confused. "Nathan, what does Nathan have to do with any of this?" she asks, and I'm not sure if it is directed at me or Lucas, but we both shrug.

"It doesn't, I guess. But I've hurt him, too. It's the same thing, only without a wedding in progress."

"Hales, you're not making sense," Lucas says gently, taking my arm and helping me to my feet. "God, you've still got your shoes on!"

He says it like it is the most ludicrous thing he's ever seen. "I didn't have anywhere to take them off," I shrug, "And I don't think I was really thinking about it. Actually, I don't think I even noticed they were on."

Brooke takes my hand. "Come on, let's go. You can't be comfortable in those things, and Karen and Keith are worried sick about you. Plus, and this is even more important," she tells, whispering confidentially, "Eric has been begging for you since you left the church."

I smile slightly, thinking that holding Eric might be the best source of comfort around. "Okay, let's go," I agree.

Brooke leaves us to pull her car around back, and once she's there, Luke ushers me into it. He sits in the back with me, and I lay my head on his shoulder, trying not to start crying again. We get into the house, and Karen is immediately there, wrapping her arms around me.

"Oh, baby, I was so worried about you!" she exclaims, "My God, are you okay? Where were you?"

"I'm okay, I think. I was at the café; I hope you don't mind," I tell her ruefully, "I just didn't know where else I could go."

"Of course I don't mind, Haley. I'm just glad you were safe; we were so worried." She hugs me again.

Keith leans in to hug me, too. "We really were worried about you. How are you feeling, honey?"

I shrug, managing a small smile for their benefits. "I'm – well, I could be better, but I guess all in all, I'm here. And I am sorry; the last thing I wanted to do was worry anyone needlessly."

Karen nods sympathetically. "Well, come in, you're shaking like a leaf. Let's get you some food, okay?" She heads for the kitchen and Luke takes my arm, pulling me towards his room.

"Come on, now you can finally get out of that dress and those shoes, okay? You'll feel better once you're rid of those."

I nod, wordlessly grabbing Brooke's hand as we go past her so that she can come with us to Luke's room. She reaches up and plucks the veil off my head. I can't believe I was still wearing that. I guess I'm lucky it didn't wrap itself around my neck and choke me in the middle of the night.

"Get something really warm, Broody – her hands are like ice." He glances at Brooke and nods. "Come on, Tutor Girl," she says, turning to me, "Let me unzip your dress."

"Uh, do I need to leave?" Luke asks, a smile on his face, "Because when I was talking about getting her out of that dress, I didn't mean like voyeurism or anything."

Brooke rolls her eyes at him. "Shut up, Scott. She's got more coverage than your average bikini underneath."

He shrugs. "Well, I didn't know, what can I say?"

"Nothing, that's why I told you to shut up."

It is actually nice to listen to their juvenile arguing. It is distracting and amusing and I need both of those right now.

I'm standing in the middle of Luke's room now, clad only in a strapless bra and a pair of panties. Oh, and a pair of four inch stilettos. Can't forget those. I begin shaking even harder when the cool air hits my skin, and so Brooke grabs a blanket off of Luke's bed to wrap around me. I can't function for myself at all, apparently.

She sits me down on the bed, and I lean down to take off my shoes. Mainly to prove that I can do it, both to myself and to Luke and Brooke. I'm not quite as catatonic as they seem to think I am.

Luke gets finished digging in his closet and hands me a sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants. "Uh, they haven't been washed, but they just smell like my cologne. I hope that's okay," he blushes, "These were our best in terms of my stuff actually decently fitting you."

I nod, smiling to let him know its okay. "Thank you, Lucas." He hugs me through the blanket. "Thank you for not hating me."

He sighs, and pulls back to tip my chin up so I have to face him. "Hales, I love you. I could never hate you, no matter how bad you think you screwed up. Okay, look, I don't even think you screwed up so bad. Like Brooke said, there were better ways, sure, but if you would've married him, don't you think you both would've ended up miserable?"

I nod, knowing he is right on that last point. "I know. I do. But it was horrible of me to take so long to figure it out, take so long to admit it to myself, and take even longer to do something about it. I hurt him so bad, Luke."

"Sometimes that can't be avoided, Hales, you know that." He looks away when I drop the blanket and pull the sweatshirt over my head. It does smell like him, and somehow that is comforting right now. I pull the pants on next, and Luke finally turns back to me. "Just trust in yourself that you made the right decision."

"I do," I whisper, "I know that I couldn't have married Jason, I do know that. I just don't love him that way, the way I'm supposed to, the way I should. But I do love him as a friend and as a nice guy, and I hurt him anyways."

Brooke sits down on the other side of me. "Hey, sometimes some things just aren't meant to be. And sometimes you hurt the ones you love. It sucks and maybe it changes a lot of things, but that's life. You can't always make everyone else happy."

"I know," I reply quietly, "But you don't have to make them so horribly miserable, either. There has to be a middle ground."

"He'll forgive you, Hales."

I snort at that. "There is no way he will, Luke, no way. God, would you be able to forgive someone for doing it to you? No," I answer for him, "No rational emotive person would be able to."

"You never know," Brooke reasons, "I mean, Jason, he really loves you, and so he might be able to get past this."

I shake my head. "It won't happen," I say, sad that I let it get to this, "And I know it is all my fault. What I did was horrible."

"It wasn't, really," Brooke says again.

"Yeah," Luke jumps in, agreeing, "We all make mistakes, Hales. Maybe he'll find it in his heart to forgive you."

"Thanks for trying, you two, but even I'm not buying that." I lean back on the bed, sighing. "I have so much I'm going to have to do now."

"Like what?" Brooke asks, curious.

"Well, find a new place to live, and then move, for starters." They both have 'oh yeah' looks on their faces when I explain that one to them. "And I'm going to have to get a second job this summer to pay everyone back for what I owe them. Gina paid for the caterers, so I am going to have to find out what I owe her. Hardest of all? I'm going to have to apologize to everyone."

They look at me sympathetically, but obviously don't know what to say. "Come on," Luke sighs, "Let's go get some food."

I nod, not really hungry, but knowing that if I don't eat soon, someone will go ahead and drag me to the hospital. Luke drags me out to the kitchen where Karen has thrown together macaroni and cheese, my favorite, which only serves to remind me of Nathan, which only makes me want to cry again. I've messed up so many times with so many people, and I'm just now realizing that.

Karen sets a plate full of the delectable creation in front of me, and Keith smiles brightly as he puts a Diet Dr. Pepper down as well.

"Thanks, Karen, thanks, Keith," I tell them, smiling, "Where's Eric?" I could use some of his infectious happiness right now.

"He's still down for his morning nap, but he should be up soon," Karen explains. I nod, smiling.

"Luke promised I could see him," I tell her, trying for levity. I'm also trying to ignore the fact that everyone else has cleared out the kitchen, leaving just Karen and me.

"Haley, you can talk to me," she smiles, "You know I'm always here for you, no matter what you need. I'm on your side."

I nod at her because I do know this. "I know, thank you Karen. And I'm sorry I disappointed you."

She looks shocked. "Disappointed me how, Haley?"

"By taking the coward's way out and running. You taught me better than that, and we both know it. I messed up."

"Honey, the only mess up you had was not realizing sooner what you wanted and what you needed. That's not the end of the world."

"Not mine, no," I agree.

"Not his either, Haley," she tells me gently, like she thinks I think it should be. I don't. Really, I don't. "It'll hurt for awhile, and eventually he'll move on, be happy again, love again."

I nod, knowing this. "I just don't want to see him hurting at all, though. That's what sucks about this – he's hurting now, and I can't help him. I know I can't."

She shrugs. "Honey, I don't know what to tell you about that. You'll have to figure it out on your own, and it will be difficult and sad and maybe even worse than those. I don't know. But I do know that you didn't do anything wrong. Please don't beat yourself up about it."

"I hurt him, Kare, that's wrong," I remind her.

She shrugs. "Sometimes it is unavoidable, isn't it?"

I think back on the hurt I've caused people. "Yeah, I guess so. I don't know, maybe I just have this defect where I hurt people all the time."

"That's ridiculous," she says in that motherly tone of hers, "And we both you know that it is, so don't try pretending otherwise. Haley, you made a mistake. Deal with it. That's all you can do now."

I nod. There is nothing else to say, really. Now I have to go about getting the courage to attempt to make amends.

The next day, I drive with Brooke to the hotel that Gina, Lola, and Marissa are staying at. Brooke heard from Tim that Jason went on our honeymoon to Florida without me, but that his family is still here. I'm not looking forward to this at all. In fact, I think I'd rather have hot pokers stuck in my eyes, but I owe them at least this much.

"You aren't going to pass out, are you?" Brooke asks, eyeing me across the car.

I shake my head, although I'm not too sure about that. "I don't think so, but if I do, will you just leave my body on the side of the road somewhere? I'll be fine, I'm sure someone will pick me up before the small animals can get to me."

She scrunches her nose up at me. "Morbid, Tutor Girl, very morbid. I kind of like that on you."

We share a smile, and for a minute, my confidence feels bolstered, but then we pull into the parking lot, and my heart goes plummeting back down. "I can't do this," I tell her, panicked.

"Okay, let's go then," she says, starting to back out of the space she'd pulled into. "If you can't do it, I'm not sitting in this parking lot forever."

I take some deep breaths, attempting to calm my racing heart. I have no illusions about how things will go today. Not only will they be very angry with me, but they will all be hurt, and sad, and God knows what else.

"Okay, I'm going," I say resolutely, stepping out of the car and shutting the door behind me before I change my mind. As previously discussed, Brooke locks the doors behind me as well. No where to run and hide now. It's sad that it had to come to that for me to actually get my ass in gear and do what I need to, what is only decent of me.

It gets harder to breathe the closer I get to the room I know is there, the room I visited less than a week ago to give Gina a scrapbook of me and Jason's relationship. Of course, this visit is far, far different, and instead of it ending with her clasping the scrapbook to her chest in thanks, there is a good chance she'll throw it at me in anger.

I knock on the door before I can chicken out, and run the twelve blocks to the apartment that I used to – well, still do, I guess – share with Jason. Since he's not there, that is our second stop. We'll be packing up my stuff and getting me out of his hair. It doesn't seem fair that I just leave while he's gone, but I think it is better this way. He won't have to come to as many reminders as to what I've done.

The door swings open, and Lola is standing there. When she sees me, a mixture of surprise and anger cross her face. "Get the hell out of here," she hisses, "There is not one member of this family that wants anything to do with you."

I nod – she's right. "I know, and I'm not here to ask for forgiveness. I just need to speak with your mother. Please."

"No, why should I let you? Do you have any clue how much you hurt Jason? Do you have any clue how bad it felt for him to have to stand there with our family and your family and friends and watch you get in a car with your ex-boyfriend? Do you have any clue? God, obviously not if you think it is okay to show up here to speak to any of us!"

I shake a little knowing there is nothing I can say to make this up to her, to make her my friend again. "Please, Lola," I quietly implore her, "Please let me talk to your mom. Just for thirty seconds."

"You goddamn bitch! You – you pretend to be a part of our family, pretend to love my brother, and then you run off when you're halfway down the aisle! Now you come here expecting – well, anything! You have no right to expect even the tiniest, most minute thing from anyone here," she rants, get louder. She stops when a hand comes down on her shoulder.

Gina appears in the doorway, and my gaze falters, dropping to my feet. "There really is no reason for you to be here, Haley," Gina says formally and coldly, which is the least of which, "And it would be in everyone's best interests if you just left right now."

"I know you don't want to see me," I whisper, trying to be brave enough to make eye contact but failing miserably, "But I need to know – "

"No, you don't 'need' anything. You don't 'get' anything. You don't even have the right to come here and ask for anything, got that?"

I nod. "I know that none of you want to see me and that all of you hate me, and I don't blame you, I don't. I'm not even going to ask for your forgiveness because I know I don't deserve it. But I need to tell you I'm sorry, and I would appreciate it if you would mail me a copy of the caterer's invoice so I can pay you back."

She shakes her head as Lola glares at me from beside her. "I don't want anything from you, Haley. Now, you can go. There really isn't anything more to say, is there?"

I nod, moving away. Before the door closes, I look back. "For what it is worth, which I know isn't much, I am so sorry. More than you'll ever know. And I'll call the caterer myself and send you a check."

I turn to walk away, stopping when Marissa yells at me to wait. I turn around to face her, not surprised when her hand flies through the air, slapping me hard across the face. She turns and walks back into the hotel room after glaring at me hard for a few minutes. The door slams shut, and I walk slowly back down to where Brooke is waiting, fingering my sore cheek.

"Whoa, who smacked you?" Brooke gapes as I get back into the car, "They did a nasty job. Dude, you're bleeding."

"She was probably wearing a ring," I sigh, glancing at my hands and seeing the blood on them. "Crap, did I smear it everywhere?"

"No, just your cheek. Seriously, was it Lola? She looks like she could beat the shit out of someone if she had to."

I shake my head. "No, it wasn't Lola, and it wasn't even Gina. It was Marissa, actually, and she is just as strong as she looks, by the way."

"Damn, I can tell. So I take it things went poorly?"

I roll my eyes at her. "Ya think?" I look back out the window, slamming my fist onto my thigh when the tears start to fall. Brooke leans over and hugs me. "I knew what would happen, I did, so this shouldn't be such a big deal, right?"

"Aw, baby, of course it's a big deal, you think of them as family, right?" I nod against her shoulder. "So it's a big deal."

"I hurt so many people," I mutter for the thousandth time, "I wrecked all these good things that I had because I was too stupid to realize soon enough that I wasn't ready to get married to Jason. That I'd never be ready to marry him."

We sit back in our seats, each lost in our own thoughts. "Brooke?" I ask a few minutes later, unconsciously using her name rather than her nickname, "Can I tell you something that will probably freak you out, but that only two of my other friends know about? Promise not to get all weird about it?"

She looks at me curiously. Of course, this is Brooke, who lives for gossip. With a lead-in like the one I just gave her, she'd probably sell her soul to Satan to know what I'm talking about. "If Peyton wasn't one of the people in the know, I promise to make absolutely zero judgments."

I laugh a little at this. "No, Peyton doesn't know," I sigh, "Only Luke and Nathan do. Well, Nathan would have to know."

"What? Do you have a third nipple or something? Come on, Tutor Girl, you know I hate to be in suspense!"

"Sophomore year Nathan and I got married." Dead silence. I look over at her, and her jaw is hanging open, and then she bursts out laughing.

"Oh, my God," she gasps out, "Shit, you totally had me going for a second there! Damn, you and Nathan married sophomore year? That is insanely unbelievable!"

"And true," I say quietly, looking down at my hands.

"Oh, give it up, Tutor Girl, I'm not falling for it. As if you of all people, especially back then, would have gotten married. Besides, isn't that, like, not legal or something? And you, Tutor Girl, were the epitome of all things legal in high school. Well, besides underage drinking, of course."

I look over at her, smiling. "Nathan was legally emancipated, so he was free to marry. He didn't have to get permission. I forged permission from my parents. When they found out a few months later, they had the marriage annulled."

"Holy fuck, you aren't kidding," she marvels, "No way, I cannot believe that you were married to Nathan Scott. I mean, if there is anyone I could imagine you married to, it would've been him, but in high school? Shiiit."

"It seems like a long time ago," I say in a faraway voice, wondering why Nathan is the only person she can imagine me married to, "We were so young, and we thought we had everything figured out. Look where I am now? I know nothing, I have nothing, and I don't even – well, everything is messed up."

"Damn," she says again, for what seems like the fiftieth time, "I can't believe this. And only Luke knew? I mean, out of your friends."

I nod. "Well, we told him the next day. It was the day he left for Charleston that summer he and Keith stayed there."

"If your parents hadn't made you get it annulled, would you have tried to make things work?" She asks the sixty-four thousand dollar question.

"I don't know. I mean, yeah, we'd have tried, but would it have worked out? Probably not, we were so young and stupid."

"Insane. And to think I thought I'd done some crazy things in my life – you were married. In high school. To Nathan Scott. That is truly crazy."

I nod, and smile a little. "Come on, let's get going. It's going to take us forever to pack up all of my junk."

"You're really moving back in with your parents, huh?" she asks, shaking her head, "I really don't know how you can stand that."

"Well, what choice do I have?" I ask, being rational about all of this, "Besides, you know my parents are almost always gone. I could move an elephant in the back yard, and they may not notice."

"We should talk to Tim, see if he'd get a three bedroom with us," she suggests, even though she knows as well as I do that isn't likely to happen now. "Okay, bad idea," she admits at my look, "But you do have to talk to him soon, you know."

I nod. "I know. Is it weird that I'm thinking that talk might be the hardest of them all? Even harder than with Jason?"

"Because friendships always last longer than romance?" she suggests, "Not that I'd know from personal experience, though."

I roll my eyes at her. "Brooke, we've been best friends for almost three years, I would say that is pretty tangible proof for your theory. How many boyfriends have you had in that time? Two hundred and ninety seven?" I ask, venturing a rather outlandish guess for her benefit.

"Fine, when you're right, you are right. Hey, no, when I'm right, I am definitely right. Cool," she grins.

"Thanks," I tell her, letting the moment as we turn into the parking lot of our buildings turn serious, "I don't know what I would've done without you. And I don't just mean the last couple of days, although, everyone knows that I really needed you now. But I mean in general – you were so great to help with wedding plans, and you have just been my biggest source of support. Thank you for that."

She abruptly shuts the car off and jumps out. I follow, looking at her confused. When I raise an eyebrow at her, she rolls her eyes back at me. "Look, there have been enough tears out of your eyes since Saturday, and frankly, you don't need to be getting me all mushy, even if I am the best friend anyone could ever have."

I laugh, hugging her. "You are wonderful. Thank you for being my friend." She hugs me back. "I feel like we're in a dopey sitcom or something, the way I keep thanking you."

"Come on, no more stalling, let's do this." She says it so assertively; I have no choice but to follow along. Of course, she's also tugging on my arm, threatening to drag me if necessary, so my options are further limited.

I toss her my key, not wanting to be the first one in. "Oh, shit," I breathe, shocked to see piles of boxes already in here, "Who – what – how?"

Brooke looks around, surprised as I am. "I don't know. Oh – Tutor Girl, you don't think that Tim lied do you? I mean about Jason being gone?"

I look around, panicked. "I don't know," I whisper, "What if he is? I don't know what to say to him yet."

"Well, thank God you don't have to then," Tim says sarcastically from the doorway to the kitchen, "I know the world would hate to see Haley James put out."

"Don't start, Tim, there is no need for that," Brooke steps in, defending me.

"No, its okay, Brooke. I deserve to hear what he has to say." She shakes her head at me, and I get the feeling they've already had this conversation in the past two days. "I – well, I'm listening, Tim." I sit down on the couch.

He rolls his eyes at me, sitting on the chair adjacent to the couch. "Don't pull that martyr bullshit, James, it isn't going to work. Not this time, not on me. What you did was foul, and you know what? That's all there is to say about it. There's nothing else I want to say to you."

"She's your friend, Timothy!" Brooke shouts at him, "And she made a mistake! Yeah, it sucked, and yeah, someone got hurt, but she didn't want to do it! Would it have been better for you if she had gone through with and had to bail later on? Or if they made each other miserable because neither was happy knowing the other was unhappy? What, Tim, what do you think she should've done?"

"Shut up, Brooke, this has nothing to do with you!"

"Fuck you, Timmy, this has everything to do with me, because I have been the friend who has been there for her! I know how this has torn her apart, and I know that is genuine. You can't fake that." I'm getting dizzy listening to all of this. All of a sudden, my knees buckle, and the last thing I remember is the ground rushing up to meet me.

"Haley? Wake up, honey." I can hear Karen's voice, but it sounds so far away right now. "Haley?"

I struggle to open my eyes, blinking at the harshness of the bright lights. "Karen?" I ask, my voice coming out as a scratchy whisper.

"Hey, oh, sweetie, we were all so worried about you."

"Where am I?" I ask, confused.

"The hospital. You collapsed at your apartment a couple of hours ago. Brooke called me in a panic, and so here I am. Lucas and Keith are in the waiting room with Brooke and Eric and Tim."

"Tim is here? We were having a fight," I rasp out.

She smiles, "Well, he's here now. I'm going to go get Lucas and Brooke, okay? They've been dying to see you." She stands up to leave.

"Wait, Kare? What's wrong with me?"

She laughs, "Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart, I wasn't thinking. It's not serious, but you need to start taking care of yourself and eating regularly, not to mention drinking water at least occasionally. You were severely dehydrated, and we can all tell that you've lost weight over the last month or so."

"Stress," I explain, "Thanks for filling me in."

"You're welcome. Thank you for being okay. I love you, darling, now let me go get the impatient duo for you."

"Thank you," I tell her, smiling weakly. While she's gone, I use those moments to get my bearings a bit better. There is a needle inserted in the top of my wrist; probably for IV rehydration. I'm not in pain, so I doubt they're pumping me full of morphine or anything. It's a small room, and it is private. I find the remote to lower and raise the bed, and I grab it, situating myself better for the visitors I know will be coming.

"Don't be such a prick, Broody," I can hear Brooke saying from out in the hallway, "If you want to be the first to see her, get your ass in their with me, because I'm going in now."

I can hear that Lucas replies, but it is too muffled to make out. A few seconds later, the door swings open, and they burst through, jockeying for position. "Tutor Girl!" Brooke exclaims at the same time Luke calls out, "Hales!"

"Hey guys," I whisper, "How are you?"

Luke laughs, as does Brooke, and each takes up a position on opposite sides of the bed. "I'm good, honey, it's you I'm worried about," Brooke tells me. I smile at her. She climbs up on the bed and lays beside me. "You freaked me out."

"Everyone," Luke starts, and I make the effort of swiveling my head around to see him, "Has been really worried about you, kid."

"I know you guys hate each other, and that fighting is your hobby, but can you both sit on the same side of the bed. It's hard to look back and forth between you now."

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry," Brooke gasps, and the glares at Lucas. "Broody, get your ass over here."

He rolls his eyes at her, but complies. "Anything else, your highness?"

"Nothing at the moment. So you can leave now," Brooke says hopefully, "Really, go ahead, shoo!"

"Did I miss anything exciting?" I ask, interrupting their sparring or flirtation, whatever they're calling it these days, "How long was I out for?"

Luke sits on the edge of the bed, and grabs my hand. "You were out for a little over three hours. But you didn't miss anything."

I smile up at him, really glad he's here now. Brooke leans over. "We were so worried about you; even Tim is. I know he was being an ass earlier, but I do believe he cares about you still, and doesn't want to see you hurt."

I nod. "I know, I understand. How could he be anything but angry with me right now?" It is getting easier to talk as my voice comes back. "Would you guys see if he'll come in and talk to me? Don't try and make him feel bad if he says 'no', okay?"

Brooke sighs, looking at me. "I can ask," she shrugs, "But Tutor Girl, he'll probably say no. I just don't want you to get your hopes up."

I nod. "Yeah, yeah, hopes down. I know, I got it."

Brooke still looks doubtful, but she rolls off the bed and stands up anyways. "Okay, I'll go ask him. You coming, Broody?"

He shakes his head. "I'll stay here with her in the meantime," he tells her, his eyes on me. He smiles reassuringly and I reach out and pat his hand.

"I'm okay, Lucas. I just lost track of taking care of myself."

He nods. "I know, just never, ever do it again, okay? Because the whole drive here, I was thinking of how awful this world would be if I lost you. I can't even imagine, and I don't want to find out."

"Luke, thanks for being here. Guess I picked the best time to throw my life into complete and utter turmoil so that you could be around, huh?"

He smiles, leaning in close. "Want to know a secret?" I nod, smiling at him. "Even if you had done this the day before the championship game, I'd have come."

Tears spring to my eyes. "Thank you, Luke."

"Hey, you're my best friend, Hales, anything for you. Hey, do you remember when I had my car accident?"

"Oh, God, I didn't even visit you in the hospital," I sigh, "You aren't trying tell me I'm a bad friend for that, are you?"

He laughs, shaking his head. "No, of course not. You were there after, and that's what mattered. Besides, why anyone came to see me then is beyond me. That was at the height of my jerk days."

I nod. "It surely was," I agree, and he pokes me lightly in the side. I let out a small laugh. "I always regretted not visiting you. I took the coward's way out then, too," I tell him, reminding us both of my more recent indiscretions. "I guess it has become a habit, huh?"

He shrugs. "Well, I never saw it that way – sure, I wanted you there, but I knew why you wouldn't be. And you know what? You more than made up for it a thousand times, a thousand ways."

I try not to cry – I think I'm too dehydrated for tears, anyways. Hmm, maybe that's my problem in the first place. It doesn't really matter now, though.

"Thanks, Luke, for making me feel a tiny bit better," I tell him, squeezing his hand. When I squeeze, the needle kind of pokes me, and reminds me to ask the burning question. "Any idea how long I'll be here?"

He grins. "They probably won't tell me, so I'll get Mom on the case. She went all Mama Tiger when they told Brooke and I that none of us could see you because we weren't family."

My heart warms at the thought of Karen protecting me like I'm really her daughter. "Tell her 'thank you' for me, okay?"

"I will."

The door creaks open, and Brooke steps through with Tim behind her. She grabs Luke by the collar and starts dragging him out. "Uh, guess I'll see you in a few, Hales. Love you, take care of yourself."

I nod. Once the door swings shut behind them, I look at Tim. "Hi," I say softly, unsure if he's going to yell, or if he will even say anything at all.

"Hey," he offers, surprising me, "Sorry I yelled at you earlier."

I shrug, "I deserve worse."

He shakes his head. "Look, I'm mad at you. I can't not be, you know? What you did, that sucks, and it hurts a lot of people I care about."

"Including you?" I ask.

He nods. "Well, yeah, I guess so. But the thing is, I think I kinda knew it might happen." I glance at him in surprise. "I don't condone it – what you did, I mean. But maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should have stepped in and stopped it."

"I didn't mean to hurt anyone," I say, then sigh when I realize how pathetically stupid that sounds. "Actually, I guess it would be better to say that I never wanted to hurt anyone, even though I did. And what could you have done, Tim? Even I didn't quite realize I couldn't do it – couldn't go through with it – until the very last damn minute." Tears start rolling down my face again. "All fault is mine," I tell him honestly.

"Please don't cry, it makes me nervous," he pleads, and I reach up and brush them off. "Look, what's done is done, and I don't know if I can forgive you. But I also don't know if I can stand to not try." He kicks the ground angrily. "You know, it just isn't fair that you had to do this, James! You were one of the two best friends I've ever had, and you do this!"

I lower my head, fighting the urge to give into tears. "I know, I'm sorry, Tim. I know saying it doesn't really mean anything after what I did, but I am. You have no idea how sorry I am."

He finally looks at me. "You know, the sad thing is, I believe you. Too damn bad it doesn't make even the slightest bit of a difference." He drags his glare away from me. "Look, I'm glad you're okay, but I should go. I don't think there is much to say right now."

I nod, feeling completely forlorn and bereft. "Um, thanks for stopping by, and I guess in a roundabout way that's weird, thanks for packing my stuff up. I know it wasn't for me, but still."

He nods stiffly, and after one last hard, regretful stare, he leaves. Luke steps back in almost immediately, holding Eric in his arms. When he sees me, he squirms away from Lucas, holding his arms out for me.

"Aw, Eric, my little guy!" Lucas sets him down on the edge of the bed, holding him back from jumping on me.

"Hawey," he grins, holding his arms out to me. I open mine, nodding to Luke that it is okay if he jumps on me.

"Hi baby," I smile, possibly the first genuinely happy one I've had in the past month, "I missed you!"

He just giggles at me, tangling his hands in my hair. "Hawey! Hawey!" Luke and I laugh at his antics.

"I miss him when I'm gone," Luke comments, "Look how big he's getting." He brushes a hand over Eric's hair. "Well, you see him almost every day, so I guess that you already know."

"They grow up fast," I agree, sighing wistfully.

Luke looks at me in what appears to be surprise. "You don't want one yet, do you? I mean, you're still young." He thinks for a minute, while I sit here, amused. "Oh, God, Hales, you aren't pregnant now, are you?"

I can't help it – I laugh. "Lukie, don't worry, I'm not pregnant, and I don't have any intention of becoming pregnant soon. Trust me, Eric here is enough of a baby fix for me, aren't you, kiddo?"

"Hawey!" he giggles again after I say his name, clapping his hands over mine. Luke and I both laugh.

"Well, that's good," Luke says over Eric's head, "I mean, not that I don't think you could do it, but it's probably not the best idea right now."

I roll my eyes. "I might be a big screw up, but I'm certainly not that bad," I sigh at him, "You make me seem like the world's biggest moron!"

He grins. "I didn't mean it that way. It's just when I noticed how good you were with him, and how happy you always are when he's around, I thought maybe you wanted one. And then I thought about the fainting and stuff, and wondered."

"Don't worry, it isn't that. Thank God. Could you even imagine how awful that would've been? As if I hadn't screwed things up enough already," I snort, smiling at Eric.

"What happened?"

I assume he's talking about Tim's visit, so I reply, "Well, I think it went better than I deserved. He wasn't nice, but he didn't go out of his way to be mean and hateful to me, either. That's always a bonus."

He smiles, squeezing my hand. Eric is engrossed in playing with the remote control for the TV I handed him so he wouldn't play with the IV tubes. "I meant Nathan, Hales. What happened when he drove you to Tree Hill? That's a long enough ride, you know."

I nod. "Half hour. I'll be making it every day soon." I'm stalling, and I know it. And the funny thing is, there is nothing to talk about in terms of what happened with Nathan. "And absolutely nothing happened with Nathan. We barely even talked. I literally ran into him on my way out of the church, and when I realized I had no other way out of there, he offered to drive me and I accepted. That was it."

"I didn't know he was coming," he sighs, obviously concerned about something, "He said he didn't want to, didn't even care anymore." I must cringe because he immediately apologizes. "Sorry, I didn't mean to say it that way."

"Hey, a spade is a spade, right? Call it like you see it."

"I didn't mean it like that." He leans forward, pretending to fix Eric's overalls. "Look, Haley, he has a girlfriend now. I mean, it's not super serious or anything, but he really likes her."

I sigh. "Luke, I'm not going to throw myself at him and try and mess up his life if that's what you're worried about," I huff, a little insulted that he thinks so little of me."

"I know that," he says, attempting to placate me, "But I didn't know if you thought things would work out, and I didn't want you to get your hopes up. Things have been hard enough for you lately."

"And they'll continue to be hard for awhile," I finish for him, knowing that was his implication.

"Well, yeah, they probably will. I just don't want you hurt any worse, Hales."

"Don't worry, I have no plans to date anyone ever again. I've wreaked enough havoc for a lifetime, thank you very much."

He looks at me sympathetically. "When does Jason get back?"

"Well, we were only supposed to be gone a week, but I wouldn't be surprised if he extends it, all things considered."

"That won't be a fun conversation," he sighs, smiling as a sleepy Eric lies down next to me, his head on my stomach. "Damn that kid loves you."

"I guess I'm just utterly loveable," I tell him, smiling.

"Well, I might be best friend biased, but I certainly think you are," Brooke declares from the door. "What'd I miss?"

I shake my head at her. "Nothing. Tim came and left, and Luke has been lecturing me on why I can't go after Nathan, although I certainly don't think I ever made it seem like I was going to," I tell her, rolling my eyes.

"Wow," she breathes, "Sounds like more than nothing to me!"

"I wasn't lecturing," Lucas counters, "Just pointing out that it isn't such a good idea right now, all things considered. I don't want you hurt, Hales."

"Lucas Scott, you arrogant piece of crap!" Brooke bursts out. She's probably been waiting the last two days for a chance to ream his ass out. "Why the hell are you treating her like she's stupid? I can't even believe you would bring up your asshat brother's name at a time like this. As if she's even thinking about him."

Lucas just looks blown away by her outburst, and after staring him down, she again climbs up on the bed and lies down beside me. "Hi Brookie," I choke out, trying to contain my laughter at the two of them. Seriously, they should just go find a bed and get it all out of their systems now. This is getting ridiculous. All the hormones shooting between them are sure to negatively affect me and Eric soon.

Now I have Eric on one side and Brooke on my other, all crammed into a tiny hospital bed. If a nurse comes in, I am sure that bricks will be shit. "You joining us, Lucas?" I ask, motioning to a spot at my foot.

He grins, and lifts Eric up, placing him half on Brooke and half on me, and then he climbs up into the spot Eric had vacated. "Oh, my God," Brooke squeals. She, Luke, and I start laughing, and Eric sits up, Brooke holding him in place, and starts clapping his little hands. "Aw, his first foursome," Brooke jokes.

"You're sick, Davis," Luke mutters, "Don't listen to her, Eric, she's a bad, bad influence." Luke's head is resting on my shoulder, and Brooke's elbow is digging into my side and I'm lying in a hospital bed, but I haven't felt this good in a long time.

"Shut up, Scott."

"Bite my ass, Davis," he snips back.

I can't control it any longer, and I start to laugh. "Would you two get a room already? I mean, at this rate, Eric and I can just leave, and you can have this one!"

While I can't look at both of them and I choose to look at Eric instead, I can feel the waves of stunned silence roll off of them, and for some reason, that just makes me laugh harder. I'm laughing so hard that I don't even notice the door open until I hear his voice.

"Wow, quite the party."

My laughter dies abruptly, and I look up to see Nathan standing there with Deb and Dan. I half expect Brooke and Lucas to jump out of the bed, but to their credit and my delight, the stay put.

Dan just grins. "Well, I don't know much about hospitals, but from what I remember, don't they frown upon this sort of thing?"

Brooke and Lucas are still too stunned to answer, so after a brief silence, I grin at Dan, answering, "Yeah, I figured I was toast when Luke let Eric sit up here with me. I'm screwed now. Any minute now, some Nurse Ratchett is going to come in here and throw pills at us."

"Better than a lobotomy," Deb jokes, setting a bouquet of flowers down on the stand across the room. "How are you feeling, honey?"

"I'm better, now." I smile first at Brooke, and then at Lucas. "These two can't help but be entertaining, and plus, I've got my little man with me," I tell her, indicating Eric. I can't make eye contact with Nathan, so I search the faces of everyone else.

"You're so pale," Nathan comments, and for a minute, I think I see worry in his eyes, but it is gone quickly, and I have to assume I was projecting because I wanted it to be there.

"Yeah, you are," Deb sighs, "Are they sure you're okay? If this is too much, I'll herd everyone out of here for you."

I shake my head. "Oh, no, please don't. I think this is exactly what I need right now. Besides, I don't think I'm even on any medication, just the IV for the dehydration."

"If you're sure," Deb says doubtfully, "I don't want any of us hoodlums causing you too much stress."

"Don't worry," Luke grins, "Mom is running interference to keep the nurses out of her hair, and you know she wouldn't do that unless she figured Hales was fine, you know?"

"Can't argue with that," Dan agrees. "Haley, I'm glad you're doing okay."

"Thanks, Dan," I tell him, smiling a little.

"How are you otherwise?" Deb asks carefully, obviously not wanting to pry, but probably both concerned and a little curious.

"Um," I start, biting my lip, "Well, I feel awful, but um, Luke and Brooke are right, it would've been worse down the line." I end with a sigh, and Deb looks at me sympathetically. I've gotten a lot of that lately.

She sighs, idly picking at a flower. "Sometimes you have to do what is best for you, even if it is the hardest thing to do. So, if this was best for you, I hope you don't mind me saying that I'm very proud of you."

Talking about this again is getting to me, and I take a deep, shuddering breath to control my emotions. "Well, I don't think I deserve any pride after all I've done. Actually, I know I don't."

"Oh, Haley," she sighs. Everyone else in the room is silent; I guess they aren't willing to 'go there' on this subject with me right now. "Things are never quite as bad as you think they are." She turns to Dan. "Honey, Karen and Keith are in the waiting room, we should go say hello to them. Nathan, stay with your friends." Dan winks and waves at me, and they walk out of the room.

I turn my head, burying my face in Luke's shoulder. "I hate me," I mutter, it coming out muffled, anyways.

"Hales, Hales, stop it." I pull back and fix a look at him. "Fine, don't stop, but don't tell me about it. I don't like to hear you talk that way about yourself."

"Pussy," Brooke calls, trying to sound bored, but not pulling it off good enough to cover her interest in all things Lucas from me.

"You know, Davis, you are such a loud-mouthed, egotistical snot that I can't believe anyone would be your friend, let alone someone as smart as Haley."

"Look in the mirror, jerk, she's friends with you, too."

Nathan snorts, turning to look out the little window in the door. "You two always do this?" he asks, sounding only mildly interested.

"No, only when we're in the same room," Brooke huffs, glaring over me at Lucas.

"Nathan, if you want to leave, it's okay. I understand," I say softly, not wanting him to stay here out of some guilt imparted on him by Deb.

Brooke and Luke both go still beside me. Nathan looks between the three of us. "Yeah, I should actually go. You know, got stuff to do."

I nod. "Thanks for stopping by." He nods back at me, and steps out of the room.

"Does the 'thank you' count if your mommy and daddy made you do it, because hello? Totally lame." Brooke rolls her eyes.

"Shut up, Brooke, you damn bitch, what the hell do you know about anything Nathan does?" Luke says in a calm voice, "What gives you the right to judge his actions?"

"Please, both of you, not right now. It's all fun and games until one of you pokes my eye out, and I think that's where this is headed."

They both take deep breaths, about to respond when the door opens, and in walks a nurse, followed by Karen and Keith.

"What on earth is going on here?" the nurse sputters, obviously surprised. She turns to Karen. "You told me that the patient was not being disturbed in any way, shape, or form!"

"Well," hedges Karen, "Does she really look that disturbed? Actually, if you ask me, she looks better than she has in a week or so!"

The nurse just shakes her head. "Everybody out. Now," she says sternly. Brooke and Luke start to move when Keith stops them.

"One second, ma'am," he says in his most charming voice to the nurse, "I have a digital camera, and this is one time it'll actually come in handy."

The nurse glares at him, but relents. "One picture, and then you're all gone. I need to check vitals before the patient is discharged."

"Discharged?" I grin as Keith readies his camera.

"Yes, and I'll give you instructions on taking better care of yourself, as well," she notes, "Not eating and not drinking aren't healthy, young lady."

I nod, wondering how many lectures I'll get on this in the next few days. "Okay, you guys, big smiles. Smile for Daddy, Eric!" I know I must look all kinds of scary, but I smile big and bright anyways, and know that despite everything, I'll look back on the time in this bed fondly.

"Jason gets back today," Brooke reminds, as if that thought hasn't been etched into my brain.

I nod. "Yeah, the plane landed at noon."

We're on campus, having decided to take summer classes at the last minute. Tim moved back to Tree Hill for the summer to work with his dad, so I'm staying in their apartment with Brooke. Tim wasn't happy about it, but who can say 'no' to Brooke when she's really determined to get something?

"You going to try and talk to him today?"

I shake my head. "I left him a note saying I'd be staying with you for the summer, and that when or if he wants to talk, I'll be waiting. I doubt he'll want to see me right away, and I don't think it is fair to demand that he does, you know?"

She shrugs. "I don't know, there must be said to getting things taken care of and out of the way. And this is going to drive you crazy until you at least talk to him. You'll be nervous and anxious, and you'll spend way too much time thinking of possible outcomes." I roll my eyes at her. "Don't do that, you know I'm right. You obsess too often."

"Well, it's in my nature, I guess. But I'm trying not to worry about what will happen with Jason, and focusing on school instead."

"That's it. We're partying this weekend. Our apartment. I'll even let you invite Lucas, pretty please, party with me!"

"Oh, Tigger, that is such a bad idea. I mean, everyone we party with knows that Jase and I were supposed to get married, and I know it isn't anyone's business, but I don't want to have to tell people what happened."

She looks pensive for a minute. "Fine, then we'll party in Tree Hill. I hear that bitch Theresa is having a party, may as well crash it. Last time, my revenge plan fell through the cracks, but this time I'll stay sober so nothing can go wrong."

I'd forgotten all about the big '07 revenge plan. I'm tempted to ask, because I never did find out what they were, but I'm still probably better off not knowing. "I'll think about it," I tell her, figuring it'll spare a fight right now.

"I'm taking that as a 'yes', and I won't let you change your mind. In fact, this will be a good thing, us going out. We'll have fun hanging out."

"I still don't know if going out is such a good idea," I tell her, sighing, "It seems very cold and callous."

"You can't hole up forever, and I know you would. That's why you're lucky to have me – I won't let you cut yourself off from the world."

"I don't want to cut myself off," I attempt to explain, "I just think that it is only fair to Jason if I'm not out having this raging social life. Like a mourning period or something."

She shakes her head. "No way. You'll fall into the pattern of always staying home, withdrawing into yourself. I like my Tutor Girl the way you are now, and I'm not going to let you regress. Got it?"

How can I say no to that? "Yeah, yeah, fine."

"That's what I thought," she beams, "Now, I must go because I have class in ten minutes. See you at three after your last class?"

I nod, waving her off. "Starbucks?" I ask hopefully.

She nods. "Like always. I wouldn't expect anything else," she laughs, waving as she dashes off.

I let my head drop back, enjoying the warm, comforting feeling of the sun on my face. It's a gorgeous day, not too hot, not too cold, and the fresh air does me good. All of a sudden, a shadow crosses my face, and I open my eyes to see what is blocking my sun.

"Jason?" I gasp, shocked as hell that not only is he here, but that he'd talk to me now. Here. Damn, what do I say?

"Well, you remember my name, I guess that's something," he spits out, obviously bitter.

"Jason," I begin, but cut myself off when his hand slashes through the air.

"Don't talk – don't you dare talk to me right now." I clamp my mouth shut. "You – you put me through hell, which was wrong and cruel, but I can deal with that. But you had to hurt my family – my mom and my sisters, who were never, ever anything but kind and decent and loving towards you. That is something that you do not deserve to be forgiven for," he asserts.

I nod, looking at the ground. I want to apologize, I want to beg his forgiveness, let him know that I've never been sorrier for something in my entire life, but I know he doesn't want to hear it right now. Well, and he told me not to say anything.

"I've spent the last week thinking of things I could say to you, things I could do to you that would make you hurt half as bad as you've hurt me and the people I care about, but there is nothing that I can come up with that even approaches it." His voice is getting louder, and a few people are staring. "So, you win, Haley James, you win! You humiliated me in front of my friends and family – you walked out of our wedding, leaving me up there in front of everyone, and if that isn't enough, you left with your damn ex!"

"Jason, it wasn't like tha – "

"Shut up," he orders tersely, "You don't get to talk now, Haley! You don't get to say anything about this, you get that?" I nod. "What you did was despicable and selfish. I hope you know that." I nod again. "But thanks, thanks for doing it." I look up at him sharply. He smirks, "If you hadn't, who knows what worse damage you could've done to me and my family."

Just as I'm about to dissolve into tears, Brooke comes running back over. She shoves Jason, hard. "Knock it off, Jason. I know you're hurt, but you don't get to do this to her, you don't get to browbeat her when she's already torturing herself over it all."

He looks at her incredulously. "Do you have any idea of what she did? She ran out on our wedding, Brooke! You think she deserves to have me coddle her? Tell her that it is okay, I understand? That isn't going to happen!"

She closes her eyes briefly, and then bends down to help me pick up my stuff that I am furiously shoving into my backpack. "I'm not telling you to do those things, I'm just telling you to leave her alone. You aren't doing anyone any good, so knock it off."

"Jason," I try again, "For what it's worth – don't worry, I know it's near nothing – I am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

He glares menacingly at me. Brooke guides me away. "Come on, Tutor Girl, you can walk me to class. I mean it, Jason, not now."

Realizing that I can't let Brooke handle my life, I pull away and turn back to Jason. "Brooke was wrong. You need to say everything you're feeling to me, and I need to hear it."

He rolls his eyes. "Anything I have to say is for my benefit, you got that? Nothing is for you, nothing I have to say should be used to fill whatever quota of suffering you think you might have so that your conscience can be wiped clean. You don't deserve that."

I nod. "I just want to apologize – "

"For what?" he screams, "For leaving me? For leaving with him? For not loving me enough to marry me? For being too much of a damn coward to actually tell me you don't love me to my face? That's BS, Haley! Some things you can't apologize for."

I watch helplessly as he storms off. Brooke grabs my hand and squeezes it, and I glance at her, brushing the tears off my cheeks.

"Well, uh, it went better than I expected," she quips.

I glare at her. "No jokes, not now, okay?" She nods. "It's funny, because rationally I knew he wouldn't forgive me, and I logically I know he shouldn't, but there was a part of me that hoped he would. How selfish is that?"

She drops my hand, but links arms with me, and we walk towards her class. "I'm going to be late," she comments, and I feel bad. Well, worse, I guess.

"I'm sorry. You should've gone to class and let him rant at me and get it all out. Maybe it would've been better that way."

"Please," she rolls her eyes, "That's ridiculous. You're my best friend, I'm not going to let someone talk to you like that, whether or not you deserve it."

Impulsively, I hug her. "Thank you. I don't deserve you, but thank you anyways. I love you."

"Love you, too," she smiles, "Start thinking about what you'll be wearing to that party. I think you are definitely going to need to get drunk."

I start to protest, but she rushes on. "Oh, don't worry, I'll get Luke to come, and I'll even be nice to him. Well, I'll be as nice as humanly possible. We'll make sure you don't do anything too wild and crazy."

"I still think going out isn't the greatest idea," I admit, "But it can't be any worse than what I've already done, can it?"

She grins, and for an instant it is crystal clear that it could be.

"I'll give that stupid bitch Theresa one thing," Brooke grumbles, "She sure can throw a party. Although I think half these people might be high school kids. That's kind of lame, don't you think?"

"Just a little," I agree, laughing at her expression, "You're going to have to check ID's or something."

"Hey! I never said I was going to hook up tonight!" she gasps, affecting an offended look. "I'll have you know I'm as chaste and pure as the driven snow."

"Please, say it to someone who might actually believe," I laugh.

Luke walks up and puts an arm around me. "She'd have to leave the tri-state area if she wants to find someone to believe that!"

"Hey, Lukie!" I jump in before these two can get started. "I didn't know you were going to be here for sure!"

"Well, I couldn't pass up the chance to party with my best friend, now could I?" he asks, grinning.

"It has been a long time," I agree, "God, it has been a long time since I've done anything like this here in Tree Hill."

"You're just a big-time college girl," Luke teases, and Brooke glares at him. "Too good for little, old Tree Hill anymore, I guess."

"Look who's talking," Brooke grumbles, "You're the one who moved a thousand miles away, so don't pick at her for moving thirty minutes away."

"Tigger, he was teasing," I tell her, not wanting bloodshed. Of course, I also don't want to play mommy to these two all, but looking around I don't see anyone I'd be better off talking to.

Luke wraps his arms around me from behind, resting his chin on the top of my head. "Yeah, I was teasing, not that it is any of your business."

"You guys, please, when you are around me, please knock off this – well, whatever it is, okay? It drives me insane!"

"Telling me not to harass him is like telling me not to breathe," Brooke whines, "So I don't think it is very fair that you expect me to stop!"

"You know I hate to do this, Hales, but I think she's right." I scowl at him, pissed they're going to gang up on me. "It's true, fighting with each other is in our nature. We can't just...not."

"Well, fine, but I don't have to stick around for it." I pull away from Lucas, and walk out of the room, fully intending to find a quiet place where I can people watch or something.

I hear them continue to argue behind, probably over which one of them it was that drove me out of the room. Or over which one of them gets to chase after me. Whatever, it doesn't matter. Drinking is out due to the dehydration, and I absolutely do not want to dance at all, so I find a spot on the back porch, and settle in to watch the people partying out in the big backyard.

"Nice night, huh?" a soft voice asks.

I look up, really surprised that Nathan is here. "Yeah, it's not too bad," I answer, keeping things impersonal, which he seems to be really into these days.

"You must be feeling better, huh?"

I shrug. "Yeah, I've been drinking a ton of water, so I am better."

"That's good to hear. How ya been otherwise?"

Again, I shrug. "Well, you know, it could always be worse, right? That's what everyone is telling me, anyways."

He smiles wryly. "Yeah, other people always seem to know what is best for you, don't they?" he says with the barest trace of irony.

His jab isn't really appreciated right now. "I wasn't complaining about it – they are probably right. It's just hard to see it right now."

He nods slowly. "Well, I just thought I'd say hi, so I guess I'll be moving on."

I want to ask him to stay – I want to ask him how school was this last year, and what his friends at UConn are like. I want to ask him about the girls he must be dating, and if he likes getting snow in the winter up there. But I can't. I can't ask him any of those things, so I keep my mouth shut, letting him walk away.

"You really can't stand to be around me, can you?" he asks, pausing in the doorway. I glance up at him, the shock of his question probably reflecting on my face.

"What? Nathan, no, I thought it was the other way around." He shakes his head, confused. "I just figured that you wouldn't want to see me or be around me, and I didn't want to push it."

Understanding dawns, and he sits down beside me. "You know, I wanted to give you space, and then at the hospital you told me I could leave, so I thought you wanted me to go, and so I did."

I reach over, and put my hand on his knee. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push you away. Or at least, I wasn't trying to."

He nods, covering my hand with his own. "Then I'm sorry I ran. So, how you really doing? You look like shit," he says with a grin.

"Can't hear that enough," I laugh, "So, thank you for that uplifting bit. And I don't know how I am. Brooke and Luke have been great. They must be afraid I'm going to hurt myself or something because they are constantly hovering, making sure I have a water bottle and food with me."

"They love you," he nods.

"Yeah, I know that, and I appreciate it. They've been a good distraction. Even their fighting wasn't annoying until tonight," I laugh.

"They're fighting a lot?"

"All the time," I tell him, giving him a 'duh' look.

"Yeah, yeah, I should've known who I was talking about. It's Luke and Brooke, of course they're fighting."

"Well, of course they act like they're on the verge of having sex," I smile, "Which is part of the reason I wanted out of their way tonight. I don't want to get caught up in the middle of that."

He nods, smiling knowingly. "You know, he'd never admit it, but I think that Brooke was kind of 'the one that got away' for Luke."

I look at him in surprise. "You think? I mean, he never talked about her at all or anything. It just seems weird."

"She's his challenge," he shrugs, "She didn't give into him, she didn't cave and become friends with him like Peyton did."

I frown, wondering, "Is it always about a challenge or the chase?"

"Only if what you had was worth chasing." His words are fraught with meaning, but neither of us seem eager to delve into that meaning. It's just not the right time.

"Well, maybe they'll be the next wedding," I joke, "And hopefully it will actually be a happy occasion."

He grins, pleased to see me joking. "I wouldn't rush them to the altar just yet if I were you."

"Oh, come on, though, I could be the Old Maid of Honor," I laugh, my mood lightening further when he joins in my laughter.

"Fine, but I get to be the hottest best man every." I roll my eyes at him. "Oh, you know I am," he jokes, "Just admit it, you think I'm sexy."

I poke him in the side. "Yeah, you wish I did."

He places a hand over his heart. "You wound me, Haley J, you really do. I think I've got nothing left to live for now."

I lean my head on his shoulder, comfortable to be near him like this. "Is it weird that I've really missed you?" I ask him quietly.

"You know what I think?" he responds. "I think that it would be far, far weirder if we didn't miss each other."

I raise my head, looking at him quizzically. "You think so? After everything?"

"Because of everything," he states emphatically. "We've been everything to each other – boyfriend/girlfriend, friends, enemies, husband/wife – sometimes more than one at the same time."

"That's very insightful of you," I tell him, impressed. "You been taking psych classes or something?"

He grins. "Maybe one or two."

"Shut up!" I laugh, "You always thought those were such bullshit, I can't believe it!" I think about it for a second, turning to him. "There's a girl you like in there, isn't there?" I tease.

He looks at me like I'm crazy. "Nah, I had to take one last year spring semester for a general requirement, and I kind of liked it. Did you know they have an entire field for sports psychologists?"

"Well, yeah, I did. Wow, Nathan, are you interested in pursuing this?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. I like it, and I get it. It isn't worthless at all, even though I'd thought it was."

"You'd be good at that," I decide, after thinking about it for a few seconds, "You should definitely pursue it if you've found an interest in it."

"I just might do that," he nods, "It's definitely keeping my interest better than some of my other classes."

"Hey, that's not true. I know all about your hot to trot grades! You told me yourself, remember? And your mom told me awhile ago you were still kicking ass in that department."

He blushes, looking downward. "Well, I didn't have much better to do than study right now, anyways, so I ought to get good grades."

"I'm proud of you, and I always knew you had it in you," I commend him. "You done good, kid!"

"Hey," he laughs, "I'm eight months older than you, who you calling a kid?"

"Well, you act like it," I retort, bumping shoulders with him. "It's a shoe fits kind of thing, don't you think?"

"Hell, no," he mutters, messing up my hair. He stops abruptly, staring at someone behind me. "Shit," he swears.

I turn with a feeling of dread, and of course the feeling is justified as it is Tim and Jason standing there. I can't even imagine what they are doing here; Tim hates Theresa almost as much as Brooke does, and Jason isn't exactly a fixture in the Tree Hill scene.

"Glad to see you're in such good spirits, Haley," Jason says mildly.

I look away, unable to make eye contact with either. "If you want to fight, I really can't right now."

"Yeah, you have an arrogant ex-boyfriend to fuck, don't you?" Tim taunts. Nathan is up in flash and in his face.

"You son of a bitch, leave her alone. So she made a fucking mistake, big deal, it happens all the time. You're supposed to be her friend, and as a friend, you should see how much she's hurting!"

"Nathan, please," I sigh, grabbing a hold of his arm, "Don't do this." I know Nathan when he's confrontational and itching for a fight, and now is one of those times.

"No, Haley, if he were your friend, he wouldn't treat you like that!" He glances back at me, "And I'm sorry, but if he's going to try and be an ass to you, I'm going to say something."

I think he sees the pleading look in my eyes. I really don't want them to fight. He sighs again at me, and then turns back to Tim who takes the opportunity to slam his fist into Nathan's face.

"Tim!" I gasp in shock. As Nathan staggers, Jason jumps forward and nails him again, this time in the stomach. "Knock it off!" I scream, "What are you doing? Stop!" I try and get between Jason and Tim and Nathan, but it's hard, and they're all far bigger and far stronger than I am.

An errant elbow catches me in the chest, and I fall to the ground, holding my boob. Luckily some guys out in the yard noticed the commotion, and have ran up to break the fight up. As they disentangle them, I take a good look at them all, and am selfishly glad to see that Nathan gave as good as he got, even though he was ganged up on.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I hiss at Tim and Jason, "If you want to treat anyone this way, attack me! He didn't do anything to either of you – I was the one who messed up, take it out on me!" I'm both screaming and crying by the end of my tirade, and Nathan grabs my arm and drags me back into the house. We go through the kitchen, and there Brooke and Luke are, making out against the counter.

"Great, I'm getting my ass kicked, and my brother is hooking up with a girl he supposedly hates," Nathan mutters. He looks at me and smirks. "Come on, I'll drive you – where are you living?"

"Brooke's apartment at school. But we're supposed to stay at her parent's tonight. You can just drop me off there," I suggest, "I have a key, and the Davis' are out of town."

He nods. "Let's go then." He walks over to Luke, clapping him on the shoulder. "Hey Loverboy, I'm taking Haley back to Brooke's. Unfortunate run-in." Brooke and Luke jump apart, looking first at Nathan and I and then each other in shock.

"With an army of guerilla warriors?" Luke asks, referring to Nathan's bruised face, "What the hell happened to you?"

"No, Tim and Jason. No army, just two people who are pissed at me, but took it out on him," I sigh. Brooke moves over to me and gives me a hug.

"I'm sorry, sweetie." I nod, smiling a little at her. "Hey, I'll take you home. I haven't had, um, a chance to drink anything yet, so I'm good for the road."

"You sure?" Nathan asks, "I mean, we didn't interrupt so you'd volunteer, just so neither of you would freak to find us gone."

"Yeah, I'm sure, I can take her. I need to go, too."

Lucas looks at her oddly. "Running away?"

Brooke glares back. "No, just being a friend to my best friend."

Nathan looks at me and gives me a small smile as he rolls his eyes. "Break it up already you two."

"Let's get out of here," I say, noticing that Tim and Jason are standing on the other side of the kitchen glaring at us.

Brooke notices where I'm looking, and walks over to them. She's too far away for me to hear what she's saying since she's talking quietly, but that's fine. Lucas puts a protective arm around me, and I look at him.

"What's going on with you and Brooke?" I ask, point blank.

He shrugs. "She has an animal attraction type of lust for me?" I give him a look. "I don't know, Hales, it's nothing serious."

"Don't hurt her. Don't get hurt. I don't want to be in the middle of your – this – well, whatever it is. I want no part of it. Don't ask me to take sides, I mean it. I'll tell her the same thing."

"Maybe it's just a summer fling," Nathan suggests, one eye on Tim and Jason as they converse with Brooke. "Look, Luke, you stay with Brooke, and I'll drop Haley off, okay?"

Luke grins. "Fine with me. Uh, you okay, Hales? Do you need Brooke or I with you?"

I roll my eyes at him. "I'll be fine, thank you very much." I turn to Nathan. "Let's get out of here. Luke, tell Brooke I love her, and I'll talk to her in the morning. Love you, too."

"I will. If you need me, you know the number," he grins – a cocky, 'I'm getting laid to tonight' grin.

"Let's roll, then," I say to Nathan. He nods, and we walk out the door. "Does it hurt?" I ask when we are in his car, pulling away.

His hand moves up to his jaw. "Just a little. Nothing an ice pack won't cure," he grins.

"I'm sorry," I tell him, hoping he gets my sincerity, "They had no right. You haven't done anything wrong. I wish they'd realize it was all me."

"You can't take responsibility for other people's actions. You told me that once," he reminds me.

"Well, they should still direct their issues to me where they belong."

He shrugs. "Its okay, Haley J, I'm fine." He grins. "I'm a tough guy, if I'd wanted, I could've kicked both their ass."

I laugh, shaking my head. "Wasn't it you who was complaining about his brother making out while you were getting your ass kicked? I think that was you..."

"Hey, I was just pissed that Luke didn't have my back," he says, defending himself. He pulls into Brooke's driveway. "Well, here we are."

"Yeah, here we are," I echo, kind of not wanting to leave the car. "Thanks for the ride, and extra thanks for sticking up for me. You had no reason to, and I appreciate it so much."

"I have lots of reasons to, Haley. Like I said earlier, we've been through a lot together, and I don't like seeing you hurt, and I really hate someone treating you that way." I open my door. "Well, I'll let you go now."

"Thanks. For everything, Nathan." I smile at him. "Maybe I'll see you around."

"Yeah, maybe," he agrees. I shut the door, and he drives off. I watch him go, sighing. He was really great to me tonight, and he's left me with a feeling of warmth.

I needed that, and now I have to wonder why Nathan is the one who can do that for me. The only one, perhaps.