Gah, I'm a raging moron, but hopefully not many people have read what I posted yesterday – I forgot chapter twelve! Yup, went right from 11 to 13. Tsk, tsk. Anyway, that icky error has been fixed, so if you didn't get to read the REAL twelve (which features my favorite song evah), then it might make the real 13 a little more understandable. (Like I wouldn't give y'all a juicy lead-up to the wedding!)

And if anyone would (please, please, PLEASE) care to be my beta for a new story (non-Naley, more general), please email me: changeme1519 and that is at yahoo. Thanks! And thanks for your reviews! I lurve them!

Chapter Fourteen – Wild Horses

'I watched you suffer a dull aching pain

Now you decided to show me the same

No sweeping exits or off stage lines

Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind

Wild horses, couldn't drag me away

Wild, wild horses couldn't drag me away' – Rolling Stones

Late August, 2009

Nathan left to go back to school a few days after the run-in with Tim and Jason, and I really miss him. It's almost as if I spent so much time denying that I miss him as well as denying his importance in my life, and it is all back with a vengeance now. Which is probably a bad thing, considering.

He has a girlfriend. While he didn't make it seem like a big deal when he was talking about how studying was all he had to do, Luke made it sound like it is an important thing for him. I won't put myself in the way of that, so I'll sit back for now and let him dictate the rules of our relationship. It is the least I can do.

And that's the best thing for me, too, at this point in time. I just got out of a serious two-year relationship that damn near ended in marriage. It would be in no way, shape, or form okay for me to pursue any kind of relationship right now. I don't even know where my head is.

Then again, Nathan has been first and foremost on my mind lately. Thing is, though, that I don't know why this is. Is it because he was my first love? Is it because he was my true love? Or is it because I'm alone now, and he would be a good candidate for filling the void? Right now, none of those options can or will be acted on, that is all there is to it.

The best part about this summer is that Luke decided to stay here for the summer. He should be up in Michigan training for basketball in the fall and I've told him that a zillion times, but his reasoning is that this way he'll get one summer off before he has to get a real job in the real world next June. I can respect that.

Brooke and I decided to avoid Tree Hill for as much of the summer as we could, so we are here at her apartment. We've ran into Jason and Tim several times in Tree Hill – Brooke found out from Tim that Jason is staying there with him for the summer since I'm so close now that I'm staying with Brooke. Lucky for me, they've been quick to avoid me at almost all costs. Selfish, yeah, but it's a relief to know that I'm not going to be yelled at as I walk down the streets of Tree Hill.

"So, do you want to head down to the quad and see what people are doing, or stay here and watch fireworks on TV?" I ask Brooke, kind of wanting to get out of here. "It's such a nice night, and all," I reason.

She shrugs, "I don't know. What we should do is go to Tree Hill and hang out at Deb and Dan's with everyone." They are having a big barbeque, and of course invited both Brooke and me. "It's stupid to avoid an entire town because Jason is living there for the time being."

I nod, conceding, "I know that, Tigger, but I just think he deserves his space. And in retrospect, it was pretty shitty of me to move into an apartment in the same building, you know?"

"Maybe you're too full of yourself," she says, looking at me.

"What?" I ask, surprised she'd say that.

"Maybe he isn't quite as distraught as you think he is," she intones, "Maybe he's slowly but surely getting over it."

I shrug. "Fine, maybe he is, but it has only been two weeks, and anyways, you only want to go to that party because you know Lucas will be there."

She shrugs, but grins. "Yeah, well, there could be worse reasons, right?"

"Hell if I know," I mutter, but then cave, "Fine we can go. If not, I'd basically be a cock-blocker, and I don't need you ragging on me for months to come, now do I?"

She laughs, clapping your hands. "Well, excellent. It'll be good for both of us to get out of this apartment far away from our textbooks and stuff."

"And it'll be excellent for you to get a piece of ass, right?" She nods, smirking. "Oh, shit, you know, Tim's family lives next door to the Scotts now," I remind her, almost having forgot myself that they'd moved there a few weeks ago.

"Who cares?" she asks, "Look, Tutor Girl, I feel as much for Jase as the next person does, but let's be real here – you do NOT have to avoid him forever. You don't. It's that simple. You don't have to avoid your own friends and family because it might upset him. That's stupid, and while he may have a right to be upset with you, he doesn't have a right to expect that."

"Still, Tigger, it isn't fair of me to invade his space."

She rolls her eyes. "It isn't his space, so I don't really see the problem here. I know you're trying to be cautious of his feelings, and that's cool; I even respect it. But Haley, you can't hole up here to avoid him."

I nod. It isn't that I don't know all of this, it really isn't. It's just that I don't want a confrontation. At this point, I want to avoid that more than I want to avoid hurting his feelings. "Tigger, he punched Nathan. Multiple times," I remind her, "Nathan, who didn't do anything to him."

"No reason? Hales, get real." It's disconcerting and frankly freaking me out that she's picked up Luke's nickname for me. "Nathan was who Jason had to measure up to, and it's obvious that he never quite did."

"Hey, that's not true," I argue, "I never wanted Jason to 'live up' to Nathan in any way. I didn't have expectations like that. If he felt pressure, it wasn't from me."

She shrugs. "Whatever you say. But Hales," she says, and I know I'm in for an argument now, "He had to feel at least some sense of competition! I mean, Nathan was your first love, and you turned Jason down the first gazillion times he asked you out because you were still in love with Nathan. I mean, Jason isn't dumb, he had to know what Nate means to you."

I sigh, not seeing why this is relevant. "Tigger, come on. I didn't run off with Nathan, I never cried out his name during sex, and I never pulled out my box of Nathan stuff, either. I never, ever did anything to make him feel less than Nathan, I know that."

She laughs. "I don't doubt that, hon, I'm just saying – he knew. He knew what Nathan was for you, how important. It's like – okay, you know how when you first started dating Nathan eons ago?" I nod. "Well, he had just broke up with Peyton, right? But you knew, instinctively, I guess, that she wasn't a threat."

I think about it for a minute, finally just shrugging. "But Nathan really wasn't a threat. That was me," I tell her plaintively. "It was me."

"We aren't having this argument again," she decides, "Let's go get dressed for this barbeque. I don't care if Tim and Jason sit in a tree next door and glare at you all night long, we are going to have fun. No matter what."

She holds her fist out, and I hit it with mine. "Fine, we'll have fun. But if anyone is hanging out in a tree watching anyone, I reserve the right to be creeped out."

"Fair enough," she giggles, and we go to our separate rooms to get changed and ready for the barbeque.

I change into a cute, comfortable pair of khaki capris and a light pink tube top. I borrow a pair of light pink tennis shoes from Brooke, and I figure I'm cute and summery enough to go to an August barbeque. At my ex-husband/boyfriend's parent's house. Where I might see my ex-fiancé. My life is so weird.

"Get your ass out here, Tutor Girl!" Brooke yells, and after one last glance in the mirror, I head out to meet her.

"Hey!" she whines, "Those are my shoes!"

I nod, laughing. "And that's my shirt you have on, so shut up already!"

She sighs. "Fine, let's just get going. The damn thing did start about a half hour ago, so we're going to be late."

Once we get out to the car, I look over at her. "Tig?" She glances at me from the passenger seat. "What's going on with you and Lucas?"

She looks away, out the window. "I don't know. I mean, we have this wicked arguing thing going on that is actually fun, but then I can't keep my hands off him. It's like there is something about him that makes me want to pin him down on the bed and lick his – "

"Enough!" I shout, laughing. "Oh, my God, did you really think I wanted to hear about your sex life with Luke? Ew!"

"Hey, there is nothing 'ew' about our sex life. It's a little kinky, yeah, but I mean, it's me and Luke, how could it not be?"

I shake my head. "Brooke, please. He's practically my brother, and you are my best friend. Just no, okay?"

"Aw, come on, you're no fun," she laughs, cajoling me. I shake my head at her, and we fall into more neutral subjects for the rest of the drive.

There are quite a few cars in the driveway and on the street when we get there, and to my relief I see Karen and Keith's as well as Luke's. Brooke and I jump out, still gossiping about our favorite soap opera that we got hooked on during lunch hour this summer.

"Luke is so hotter than Mark," she says in reference to my favorite character, "He has that hot basketball player upper body."

"Yeah, but Mark has those dreamy dark eyes, and that sun-kissed hair. He's so pretty," I giggle.

"Whatever," she laughs, bumping hips with me as we walk through the gate on the side of the house to the backyard.

"Hawey!" Eric cries when he sees me, running over with his arms up, "Hawey up!" I laugh, and pick him up.

"Hey buddy, how are you?" He doesn't answer, eagerly going to Brooke when she holds her arms out to him. "Traitor," I mutter, only half-joking.

"Ha, Scott men love me," Brooke brags, "They fall at my feet, they worship the ground I walk on. I'm like, their goddess or something."

I roll my eyes at her, and leave them behind to go say hi to everyone. Dan and Luke are manning the grill together, and they look like they're having a good conversation, so I figure I'll find Karen and Keith first.

"Haley, hi!" Keith smiles, giving me a hug, "Why haven't I seen you lurking around my garage or the café lately? Too busy for an old friend?"

"Never," I smile, returning the hug, "But I have been busy with these classes I'm taking. Have to keep those grades up!"

"When you graduate, you can redo the lounge of the garage," he tells me. I laugh, thinking he's joking. "No, I'm serious," he protests, "I want to be your first paying customer."

"Wow, thanks, Keith, I'd love that," I grin, hugging him again, "You're the best!"

Karen, who was talking to the neighbors who live across the street from Deb and Dan, turns around to us. "You know, Keith, I've known her a few days longer, I think Deb and I should get first dibs on her redoing the café, don't you?"

I laugh. "Wow, cool, you guys are fighting over me. I don't think that has ever happened before." Well, besides two months ago, when my ex-husband/boyfriend fought my ex-fiancé, but that was different.

"You're worth fighting over, Haley James," Karen teases, "Now, Keith, I need you to help Deb and I out with this cooler. It's too heavy for either of us to carry." She winks at me, and I know that they could manage together, and probably on their own, but it's more fun to get him to do it.

I laugh, shaking my head a little, and walk over to where Dan and Luke are still talking. Brooke is sitting a ways away, Eric bouncing on her lap, as she talks to Deb. Her eyes are mostly focused on Lucas, though, and I can't help but wonder if this whole thing with them is good.

"Hey guys," I say cheerfully as I approach them. "How goes the grillin'?"

"We're Scott men, everything we grill turns to gold." Dan says this, so I'm not entirely sure if it's a joke or not until he and Luke both start laughing.

"And you're a strange lot, too," I laugh, joining in the joking. Luke puts his arm around my shoulder, oven mitt in my face. "Luke, what the hell?"

"You don't like the smell of hot charcoal and singed cloth?" he laughs, rubbing it over my face.

"Brat."

"Okay, kids, no horseplay near the grill," Dan laughs. "Luke, if you want to go visit your friends, I can handle things here. I promise not to burn your hamburger like I did last time. And Swiss cheese, no cheddar."

Luke smiles at the memories. "Yeah, thanks, Da – uh, Dan." I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from gaping, but I think he almost said Dad. Judging by the way he's blushing now, I'm right. He grabs my arm and drags me off. I glance over my shoulder and smile at Dan, who stares after us with a wistful expression.

"Shit, Luke, why are you manhandling me?" He walks me to the edge of the yard, and we sit down in a hammock that is tied between two trees. "Is it because you almost called him 'Dad'?"

"You could tell?" he groans, "That means he probably could, too."

"Is it such a bad thing?" I ask, "He looked thrilled by the mere possibility. I mean, I know things will never exactly be normal with the Scott family, but you and Dan have come one hell of a long way."

He shrugs. "I feel disloyal to Keith. I mean, he's given me his blessing, thinks it is great that Dan and I have mended fences, but thinking of Dan as my father – no, as Dad is a whole different thing."

I lay my head on his shoulder. "I think Keith would be happy for you, Luke, I really do." We've had conversations similar to this one over the years, but this is different. This is more serious than concern over Dan's presence at a game when Keith couldn't afford to go, or Luke taking up Dan's offer to play golf this summer. This is bigger than that.

"Well, you know what?" I ask, "No matter what, you have me. And what else could you need, Luke? I mean, what else is there?"

He laughs, reaching over to tickle me. "Stop!" I shriek, "Mercy!"

"Say 'uncle'!" he grins, "Say it or I won't stop!"

"Uncle!" I squeal, and he finally stops. "You are just as much of a brat today as you were when we were six."

He laughs, "You know, you are, too." At my look, he smiles knowingly at me. "Hales, come on, it's totally true!"

I roll my eyes at him. "Whatever, you can't win this by deflecting your juvenile tendencies onto me, you know."

"Well, I sure as hell can try," he laughs, and I join in. We quiet, and the I turn to him, ready to get serious.

"What's going on with you and Brooke?"

He winces. "Do we have to wreck whatever it is by putting a name on it?" he asks with a sigh.

"Luke, you and Brooke have been my rocks – you forever, and her recently, but you have. And I love you both so much, and I would really hate to see either of you hurt. I think that'd be worse for me than – well, you know."

"I don't want anyone to get hurt, either," he admits, "But I also don't want to end whatever it is just as a preventative measure. It might not be conventional, but it is fun, Hales. Brooke annoys the hell out of me, but she's like a flame that draws me in."

"Okay," I sigh, "But please be careful. Brooke isn't just that tough as nails, devil may care person, okay? She's really sensitive, with good reasons, and I'll hurt you if you hurt her. Got it?"

"Geez, I hope you get this fierce in your defense of me," he mutters, "But yeah, I got it. Believe me, I have no reason to hurt Brooke, and I will definitely do everything I can to not hurt her. Good enough?"

I let out a crack of laughter as Luke touches his foot to the ground, making the hammock swing. "Yeah, that's good enough. And Luke? I worry about you, too, but you're stronger. And Tim and I – we are all that Brooke has, so if she were to get hurt, she wouldn't have that support system that you have. I just don't want to see her broken, alright?"

He nods. "I promise I won't break her, but I can't promise she won't break me."

"If that was a sex joke, I don't appreciate it," I tell him sternly, hoping that is what he meant, not wanting to consider the alternative. That he's falling in love with her. It's not that I begrudge them that – it's just that I'd be surprised if things end well between them. That's why I'm so protective of them both.

"It wasn't a joke," he sighs, "Look, if we're going to be honest, I guess I should just tell you there are feelings there. On my part, I mean. I don't know what's going on inside her head, but I know that – well, shit, I don't know exactly, but I like her. More than just a sexual attraction."

"Well," I say after a quiet minute, "Then I hope you figure things out. If you can get Brooke to make a go of things, more power to you. But I'm not going to be your liaison, got it?"

"Yeah, so you won't pass notes back and forth that say 'check yes if you like me, no if you don't'?" he jokes.

I crack up, "No, but I will play M.A.S.H. or the fortune teller game with her to see if you two are true love!"

"Don't you mean 'twu wuv'?" he asks, eliciting another laugh from me. And this, this is why we have friends. So they can invoke your favorite movies at the perfect time, cracking you up.

"Luke? You know I love you, right?" He looks over at me like I'm crazy.

"Of course I know, Hales. And you know I love you, too, right?" He looks perplexed still. "I haven't forgotten to tell you that lately, have I?"

"No, I just wanted to make sure you knew. You've been so great, and I know that you probably should've gone back to Ann Arbor for basketball. I also know that I'm at least part of the reason you stayed, and I appreciate that. It has been really great having you here this summer."

He leans over and kisses me on the cheek. "It was for you in part," he acknowledges, "But it was for me, too. And it has been really good! Hey, you know, I realized that Eric barely knows me – seriously, he's way more comfortable with you and Brooke, and I'd guess Tim, too, since you all hung out so much. I want him to me, and I want to know him."

"He loves you, and he isn't nearly as uncomfortable around you now," I point out, "He hangs on you like you're a jungle gym."

He laughs. "I know, and it's good. But I wouldn't have gotten that if I hadn't stayed here. And you know, basketball is important to me, but it isn't everything."

I pretend to gape at him in shock. "A Scott man admitting basketball isn't everything? I think I'm having a coronary!"

He rolls his eyes, but laughs good-naturedly. "Hey, I hear I'm not the only Scott man who has come to realize that's true," he sighs.

"What does that mean?" I ask him, thinking he might've heard about the conversation Nathan and I had in the days after Karen and Keith's wedding.

"Duh, Dan," but there is a look in his eyes that tells me he might know more than he's letting on, "And if I can help it, Eric will never get caught up in that BS."

"You're a good big brother, Lucas Scott," I tell him with a smile.

"Well, I sure try. Now, come on, enough best friend bonding, let's go bug Brooke," he smirks, with that very mischievous glint in his eyes.

"You are such a brat, Scott," I reprimand him, but willingly jump off the hammock, laughing when it flips him over, dumping him out.

"Ow?" he asks, laughing as he intermittently glares at me. I start edging away from him. "Yeah, you better run!" he calls after me, brushing himself off.

I do, and end up over by the drinks. Dan is there as well, and hands me a beer. "Thank you," he tells me sincerely. I look at him blankly. "For Lucas. I probably shouldn't say this – it is very insensitive – but if your wedding hadn't ended the way it did, Luke wouldn't have stayed, and I wouldn't have gotten this incredible opportunity to bond even further with him."

I blush a little, still feeling awful every time that is brought up. "Well, I'm just glad that something good has come out of it," I say enigmatically.

He points over to where Brooke and Luke are hugging. "Maybe more than just one good thing, huh?"

I shake my head. "Who knows with those two?" I pause for a minute, wondering if it is okay for me to ask this question. Deciding that if he can virtually thank me for running out on my wedding, I can ask him this. "What changed? I mean, a few years ago, if Nathan or even Luke had stayed home for the summer instead of playing basketball with his team, you'd have freaked. But not anymore."

He has the grace to look chagrined, but there is also an awful lot of regret in his eyes, as well. "What can I say? I was so stupid, so out of touch with what was important, and I tried to push basketball – which was basically my religion – on everyone else. When everyone around me found happiness outside of it, well, that was a wake up call. And then the heart attack. Everything put together just made me realize that I was the one who was wrong, the one with the pathetically displaced priorities."

I'm quiet for a moment, thinking. "It's good, you know? You have a great family, and what's the point of having it if you can't enjoy it?"

"Absolutely none." He glances back over at Brooke and Luke, who are now feeding each other bits of hot dog. How romantic. "They are so cute it kind of makes you sick, doesn't it?" he laughs.

"Just a little bit," I agree, more worried than ill over this. They both look so...well, happy, as they tease each other and flirt.

"I talked to Nathan earlier today," he says, seemingly out of the blue, "He's going to come down next weekend for Labor Day. We were going to have a smaller family barbeque to send him and Luke for their last year of college. Of course, you and Brooke are invited."

Wow, times have really changed. Of course, I think that every time I talk to Dan. But at least this time he's given me fair warning that Nathan will be back in Tree Hill, and that I'll be seeing him here. Even if I wanted to, there is no way I could miss a barbeque like this for both Luke and Nathan. Just not possible.

"I'll definitely be there, and judging by this, I bet Brooke will want to come, too."

"Good. Everyone will be happy to see you both," he smiles, "Well, I'd better go help Deb clear some of this food away before all the bugs have gotten into it. Hey, did you eat?" I shake my head. "Well, go on in the kitchen and grab something – there's fresh stuff in there."

I laugh, thanking him, and head inside. I grab a few things to eat, and then wander around, looking at the pictures of Nathan Deb has prominently displayed throughout the house. There are a couple of he and I that make me smile – one at graduation, a few from the various high school dances we attended, and one from Halloween.

"Haley?"

I turn around, surprised to see him. Actually, after all that's been said and done, surprise is probably too mild a word. "Tim, what are you doing here?"

"I, uh, saw your car out front, and thought you might have a couple of minutes. Can we go out front?"

I nod, following him out and sitting down next to him on a bench. "What's going on, Tim?"

He sighs, looking at his shoes. "This isn't easy for me, and I feel like shit doing it, but I feel like shit not doing it, so doing it seems the best option. I think."

"You're confusing me," I tell him softly.

He nods. "Look, I'm sorry. I've been a real ass to you, and Brooke's right – you are my friend, and I don't have the right to treat you as I did. So, I'm sorry for that. It was just hard, you know?"

I want to throw my arms around his neck, thank him for....well, for not hating me forever, but I restrain myself. I'm not sure exactly how much touchy feely he's willing to have with me now.

"I – can we, um, try and be friends again?" I ask instead, not taking for granted that this is why he's here.

"I'd really like that. I would hate to lose your friendship. It's still hard – Jason is my cousin, but James, he's my friend, too."

I nod. "I know, Tim, and I don't want to mess with that or upset either of you more. I can't change the past, but I can sure as hell tread water in the future and make sure I don't screw up anymore."

"Well, we'll just have to figure out a way that I can balance things or something," he says somberly, "I don't want to lose your friendship, but I don't want to hurt Jason anymore."

"He doesn't know you're over here, does he?" I ask, stating the obvious.

He shakes his head. "Nah, he went out for a run when my sister pointed out you and Brooke getting out of your car. He's still gone."

I frown. "That was a long time ago, Tim, do you think he's hurt or something?"

"I doubt it. Look, I know you don't want to hear stuff like this, but I think that he just doesn't want to be near you right now. And I think one house away is too close."

I drop my head down into my hands. "How did I get here? How did I let myself get to a place where I hurt someone who means so much to me? Hurt them so bad they can't even be within a hundred yards of me? I don't understand how I did this," I cry.

The air is silent around me as Tim doesn't have a ready answer for me. After a few minutes of my silent crying, his arms come around me. "I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone." And with those eight words, I feel worlds better. I feel like I've gotten a friend back, or that it is at least a possibility now.

"I thought you'd never talk to me again," I whisper, wrapping my arms around him in return. "I wouldn't have been shocked if you didn't."

"Yeah, I thought about it. Actually for awhile, I thought I wouldn't. And then I just knew that I had to, that I couldn't just brush off our friendship, not when I knew that you didn't mean for things to happen like this."

I nod, pulling back and giving him a watery smile. "If there was anything I'd have hoped for, it would've been that: that you at least would've known I hadn't meant to do it. I hoped that even if you still wouldn't have wanted anything to do with me, you might know that."

"Well, I do," he nods, "I do. It just doesn't make it okay, though. That's the damn thing, I know you didn't mean, and I even believe that if you could go back and do things differently, you would. But knowing it doesn't make how it did happen okay."

I nod, completely ashamed of myself. I hurt one of my best friends this bad, and I hurt Jason even worse, who I was supposed to have loved more than anyone. I decide that admitting this is the best way to go.

"I'm ashamed, Tim, ashamed of what I did. I – I," I choke out, tripping over the words, "I hate myself for doing this, for hurting him and his family. For hurting you."

He sighs. "All we can do is move forward."

I shake my head. "But it won't be the same," I whisper mournfully, "You have no idea how much my friendship with you has meant to me!"

He laughs a little, "Yeah, I think I do. Because you know, yours and Brooke's have been the same for me."

"And I wrecked it," I say succinctly summarizing all that is wrong now.

"Just a little," he agrees, smiling wryly, "Look, it doesn't have to be wrecked, though. I wouldn't have come here if I thought I couldn't hang out with you."

"What do you suggest? Shared custody of the Tim-Man?"

He laughs, loudly and genuinely. "That might be the way we have to go. But you know, he has tons of friends and frat brothers and stuff, so it won't be so bad. You'll get your fair share of me," he grins.

"Thank God," I cheer, laughing, too, "I really missed you."

"You got to ruin it by getting all serious and mushy, huh?" he asks, "Well, fine, I missed you, too. I'm glad I came over tonight."

I can't help but grin at him. "Me, too. I missed jogging with you every morning. Brooke will never let me drag her ass out of bed, so I've been going by myself unless I can bug Luke into it."

"Luke? I thought he was staying here at his mom's place?"

I shake my head. "Sorta. But he also spends an awful lot of time hovering over me making sure I drink plenty of water and eat plenty of vegetables," I tell him, crinkling my nose, "And he also spends a lot of time in Brooke's bed."

He gapes, leaning forward. "No kidding? I thought they just fought all the time, I didn't realize there was more to it."

"Oh, there's a lot more," I tell him, marveling at the reminder that guys love gossip as much as any girl does. "They drive me crazy with their push/pull games, but they're both happy for now, so I guess it's fine."

He shakes his head again. "That is so weird. For all the time Brooke spent griping about him, now she's spending that time..." he trails off.

I finish his thought, "Now she's spending that time doing things to him that I certainly don't want to think about."

"Maybe she's finally putting that mouth of hers to good use," he jokes, laughing.

"Tim!" I exclaim, laughing too, "That is so gross, I didn't need to hear that!"

"Hey, you started this conversation!" he retorts, "And anyways, not that I know or anything, but I'm guessing it isn't like you've never put your mouth to good use in that way before."

I smirk at him. "Well, Timmy Boy, there are some things you will never find out."

"I bet Brooke knows," he pouts.

"Well, Brooke is a girl," I point out, "And girls can tell each other stuff like that. You're like, a boy, and stuff."

He laughs. "You're a brat, James. But I missed that about you."

A shadowy figure walks up, standing at the bottom of the steps. I know his body well enough to recognize him even in the dim light, which is slightly disconcerting. "Tim," he begins uncomfortably, "Your little sister is wondering where you are. Said something about you promising her a trip to the ice cream store?"

Tim looks at me apologetically. I smile back, patting his knee. "Thanks for coming over," I tell him, "I missed you. I'm sorry." I whisper that last part, and he nods, knowing what I mean.

"I'll call you soon; you can fill me in on the rest of the Brooke gossip. She sure as hell never told me any of this stuff when we talk," he frowns. "I'll see ya."

I watch him walk off, and to my surprise, Jason doesn't follow him. "You're not leaving, too?" I ask needlessly.

He shrugs. "I should. There probably isn't much to say – except everything, of course. I can't, though. I have to ask, I have to know – why?"

"Why?" I choke out, not wanting him to be meaning what I think he's meaning.

"Yeah, why?" he asks more firmly, "Why'd you leave me there, at the altar? What is so wrong with me that you couldn't marry me, couldn't love me enough to marry?"

My breath catches in my throat. This is exactly what I didn't want him to ask, exactly what I didn't want to have to think through for myself. I look away, breaking eye contact, unsure what to say. Can I say that I don't know why exactly, just that I knew it wasn't right, wasn't what I wanted? Is that enough of an explanation? Probably not.

"Jase, I don't know. It just – I guess I just realized it wasn't right, that it wasn't what I wanted." I'm fighting not to cry again.

"I wasn't Nathan, you mean?" he questions.

I shake my head, vehemently denying this possibility, to him and myself. "It wasn't that, Jase! I just couldn't do it – it was about me and you, not Nathan. I swear, that's the one thing I can promise."

"That's crap," he mutters, "God, I was so stupid not to see that it was about him, that so much of what you and I had was colored by what you had with him."

Honestly, it's a shock he's feeling this way because I had fought so hard to keep Nathan separate, a part of my past, and make Jason solely my present and then future.

"Jason, it wasn't about Nathan! I couldn't marry you! You, not him! When I was walking to meet you, it was your face I saw!"

"And that was just the problem, wasn't it?" he asks quietly, "That it was me, and not him!"

"No, it wasn't. The problem wasn't who you were, the problem was just this whole myriad of things, the top of which being that I was ready. I'm too young, and marriage is so huge." Sadly, the lies roll off my tongue easily enough.

"If that was the case, you wouldn't have said yes in the first place. And if that was the case, you and I would still be together today."

"Jason, that's not true. God, didn't you ever feel like things were too perfect, too easy? Life isn't always supposed to be easy!"

"So you ran off because it was easy and perfect? Why do I find that so hard to believe, Haley?"

I look him directly in the eye. "I wasn't going to be happy, Jason. I wasn't happy the whole time we were planning the wedding; I made myself sick over it. More than you will ever know, I am sorry over how I ended things, but I'm still not sorry that I ended them. It was the right thing to do."

He nods, turning away. Pausing in his walk, he turns back to me. "You might want to figure out what exactly it is that you want, Haley, because I'm beginning to think that you are the only one who doesn't get it. Of course, it doesn't say much that I was the second to last to get clued in."

He walks off, not looking back this time. Is he right? Was it more about Nathan than it was Jason and me? At this point, I just don't know.

The week flies by as Brooke and I busted our asses to do well on our finals for our summer classes. I think I did fairly well on mine, and I now have all the required classes out of the way, and can solely focus on classes for my major this upcoming semester.

Today is the day of the barbeque that Dan is throwing for Nathan and Luke. Luke is excited to see Nathan again, but getting oddly distraught at the knowledge he'll be leaving Tree Hill in a few days. I'm not sure if it has more to do with leaving Brooke or Dan, and truth be told, I don't know which is stranger.

Luke and Brooke were spending the morning at the beach with Eric, so I decided to make myself useful and help Deb and Dan set up. It has nothing to do with the fact that Nathan might be there. I don't think, anyways.

Deb opens the door when I knock, and ushers me inside, obviously glad to see me which brightens my smile.

"I barely got a chance to talk to you last week," she sighs, "We just had too many people here. So how are you doing?"

"I'm great now that finals are over. Of course, it's only a few months until December, and I'll have to start them all over again," I smile.

"But you'll be graduating in May," she points out, "So that has to be added incentive to get through them now, right?"

"You have no idea," I laugh. "So, what can I do to help?"

"Oh, there isn't anything to do. We bought those pre-made burger patties and New York steaks, so that's taken care of with no prep work. And I've already got all the condiments ready to go."

"You're a wiz," I grin.

She laughs. "All those years at the café have paid off – Deb Scott can now slice tomatoes," she jokes.

I laugh with her, shaking my head. "To think all it took was hanging around a café. No wonder I'm so accomplished."

"Am I to understand this? If I hang around a café, I won't have to spend all my cash eating out every day?" Nathan asks from behind us. I freeze up at the sound of his voice, but will myself to quickly relax.

"Nathan! You're home!" Deb exclaims, "You know, I was worried when your dad said that you weren't coming until today."

He shrugs, looking gorgeous and sexy and – where did those thoughts come from? I shake my head to clear it of them.

"I had to stay for Stacy's birthday. Well, I didn't have to, but I'd promised that I would, and I would've felt bad if I didn't."

I wonder if Stacy is the girlfriend, but it isn't my right to ask. It isn't my right to feel anything in regards to him even having one. I feel stupid just standing here, and the urge to fidget is damn near overwhelming.

"Well, honey, why don't you go put your stuff in your room? Take Haley with you; she'll pester me for something to do if you don't," she teases, knowing that it is in my nature to bug adults for tasks.

"Oh, you don't have to," I tell him when she leaves the hallway, "I'm sure you want to do stuff on your own. I'll just hang out in the kitchen. I even promise not to bug your mom for something to do."

He smiles a little, sighing. "Nah, come on, it's fine."

I nod, and follow him. "Have a good summer?" I ask, figuring small talk is the way to go.

"Sure, it was alright. I spent a lot of time with basketball, but I did manage to take two summer classes. Finally declared my major." I wait with bated breath for him to tell me what it is. "Sports psych. I love it!"

I can't contain the big grin that comes across my face. "You'll be great at it, Nathan," I tell him, smiling, "I'm happy you found something you like."

"Yeah, it's awesome. What about you? How was school? Lucas drive you crazy hanging around all summer?"

I smirk, sitting down on his desk chair. I could've sat on his bed ­– the bed that I've spent plenty of other nights with him in, but it seemed too personal.

"Actually, he's been great for the most part. He and Brooke are, um, well, they're whatever," I shrug.

"Fucking like bunnies?" he asks, and I nod, smiling.

"Pretty much. It's weird, but in a good way, if that makes sense."

"Are you sure it isn't just weird?" he asks.

"Sometimes it is," I acknowledge with a sigh, "But mostly just when I'm being selfish and resent being their third wheel."

He laughs, "Well, I can see how that would suck, but hey, Luke leaves this week, so you'll have at least one of them all to yourself again."

"Hey, even I'm not selfish enough to want Luke gone for that reason. Besides, I think I'd have gone crazy without those two doing their thing this summer." I sigh, looking down at my feet, "I'll really miss him again. Just when I'd gotten used to him butting into everything I do, he leaves. It's been a long time since he's butted into my business and got all protective."

"Three years," he nods.

"No, longer," I contradict, "Probably after he came back from Charleston he realized I was going to be okay." I don't say it, but we both know that I mean that Luke realized Nathan wasn't going to hurt me.

He looks surprised. Well, of course he did. He and Luke may have made strides in their relationship up to that point, but they certainly weren't best friends like they are now until the summer before our senior year. It took awhile.

"Huh, who knew?" he grins, tossing something at me. It's a wadded up shirt.

"Nathan, I'm not doing your laundry," I tell him with as much exasperation as I can muster without laughing.

"I'm wounded – it's clean, for your information. And I'll have you know that I am very proficient at doing my own laundry these days."

"Like you wouldn't get someone else to do it if you could, though," I argue, looking at the shirt in my hands, "What do you want me to do with this?"

"I want you to have it," he explains, "You have my high school jersey, so you should have one of my college jerseys, too. And this way, you won't have to come up to UConn and pay $69.95 for it in the student bookstore."

I laugh, more than a little touched he'd give this to me. "Thanks, Nathan, I really love this."

"You gonna shove it in a box with the other one?" he asks, only the twinkle in his eyes betraying the fact that he's teasing me.

"What makes you think the other one is in a box?" I ask lightly, playing along.

"Well, let's see, your ex-fiancé probably wouldn't have gotten a kick out of you wearing it. I mean, if you'd worn Luke's jersey when we were together, I'd have shit bricks." I laugh. "And you can't really sleep in it – the arm holes drop down so low you might as well wear nothing."

"You never complained about that," I retort before I can think about it. When I do, the blushing commences, hot and overwhelming. "Damn it, I have a big mouth," I laugh nervously, trying to play it off.

He blushes, too, but doesn't say anything. This just furthers my embarrassment, so I rack my brain for excuses to go downstairs. "Well, I'm going to go see if your mom has changed her mind about needing help," I tell him, standing up and heading for the door.

"You don't have to go, Haley," he sighs, "And it doesn't have to be weird between us, does it?"

I give him a look from the doorway. "How could it be anything but weird?" I ask, knowing I'm right, "Look, I should go. I mean – well, I don't know what I mean, actually."

"Stay, Haley," he orders, coming over and taking me by the shoulders and making me sit on his bed. His bed. The one place in this room I really shouldn't be, if only for the memories it stirs up. "We're friends or something, right?"

"Or something," I mutter in reply, trying to avoid looking at him as he changes shirts.

"Or something? You don't think of me as your friend?" he asks, sitting down beside me, "So what am I then?"

I shake my head, trying to clear it. "God, Nathan, I don't know. Is there really any one label I can put on what you are to me?"

He looks at me, those beautiful blues eyes simultaneously soft and intense. "I guess we can define ourselves by what we used to be – that's probably the easy thing to do. Ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend. Doesn't require much thought, and no one ever thinks twice about it. But if that was it, if that was all we are to each other, would we be sitting here now having this conversation?"

"I don't know, Nathan. I don't think I know anything anymore."

"Hey, you know everything," he laughs, reminding me, "Who taught me everything I know? It sure wasn't my dad!"

I laugh a little, mainly because I don't know what else to do. "If you say so. But you know I learned a lot from you, too. It wasn't exactly a one-way street."

"Yeah, every fifteen year old should learn how to play strip Twister and do keg stands. Yeah, I was a great influence," he laughs.

"That wasn't what I meant," I say, even though we both know he knows that, "You taught me a lot. I bet I never thanked you for it, and that sucks, especially since I know you thanked me a lot."

"You didn't have to thank me, Haley J," he says softly, "You didn't have to then, and you still don't. Those were good times, and I wasn't looking to get anything out of them."

"I know you weren't. They were good times, weren't they?" I say, laughing, "I kind of miss them sometimes, hanging out with you and Luke, Pey and Jake. I really miss Jenny, but I guess Eric has kind of filled that void."

"Like Brooke filled Peyton's void, and Tim filled Luke's void, and Jason filled – "

"Don't. Please don't say it," I cut him off, standing up. Without another word, I walk out of the room.

"Haley, wait!" he calls behind me, "Get your scrawny ass back here."

I whirl around. "I can't Nathan. I need to get out of here." He runs over to me, grabbing my hand and dragging me reluctantly back. "I mean it, I should go home and study anyways."

"Quit hiding behind schoolwork," he bites out, "Now what the hell was that all about? Are we not allowed to say his name now? Did you realize you made the biggest mistake of your life in leaving him? Are you this upset over screwing things up with him? Or is that it – you wish you were screwing him now?"

"No!" I scream at him, "I know I didn't make a mistake! And no, I don't want him back, and no, I don't want anything from him, sex included! But I don't need you or anyone else throwing in my face, making me admit that he was just a replacement for you!"

The words are out before I even realize that I think them, feel them. I clap my hand over my mouth, and this time when I flee, he doesn't follow. As I lock myself in the bathroom, I'm not sure if I'm sad or glad about that.

I don't want to think about what I said, but here, alone in this bathroom, I have little choice. There is nothing to distract me. So, as I'm splashing a little cold water on my cheeks, I wonder. Is it true? Was Jason just a replacement for Nathan? Was I using him solely to fill a void?

"Shit," I curse, knowing that I probably was. It wasn't as trivial as that – I did have feelings for him, but if you boil it down, that's what you get.

For the first time since we started hanging out, I am truly, truly grateful for the impact Brooke has had on me, as my purse – with my makeup – is here, and I can fix myself back up before I have to face anyone. So I wash my face completely and reapply my makeup, and sneak down the back stairs when I'm done so I won't have to walk by his room.

The rest of the family is here now, thank God, and Eric runs over to me immediately. To my relief, Nathan isn't down here yet, so I have a slightly longer reprieve before facing him. "Hey Tutor Girl, que pasa?"

"Going Spanish today?" I ask as I scoop Eric up, wincing at how heavy he's getting, "What are you doing to this kid? He's getting huge!"

Karen and Keith laugh. "Blame Luke," Keith suggests, throwing his arms up to deflect the mock blows Luke rains down on him.

"Hey, that always works for me," Brooke purrs. I roll my eyes at her as she sits down next to me. "What? It does." She looks at me, and can tell something is wrong. I can tell by the look in her eyes. "Where's Nathan?"

"How do you do that?" I sigh, irritated she knows me so well.

She shrugs, but grins smugly. "I'm just that good. Now, seriously, where is he, and do I need to kick his ass?"

"Leave his ass alone," I sigh, "He didn't do anything, really. I mentioned that Eric was a replacement for Jenny, sort of, and then he pointed out all the other parallel relationships, and when he got to Jason and him, I flipped."

"Wow," she breathes, clearly surprised, "What the hell did he say about Jason?"

"After saying that Jason was his replacement, I yelled at him and ran off. Tried to anyways. He dragged me back, though. He asked why we couldn't talk about him – if it was because I loved him, made a mistake, still wanted him, and I couldn't handle it."

"Oh, honey, what'd you say?" she asks with sympathy as Eric squirms out of my arms. "Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine. And I just said – I yelled, actually, really loudly, that I didn't want Jason or anything from him, and that I didn't appreciate being forced to admit that Jason was just a replacement for Nathan."

She gapes at me. "Shut up. You – I mean – I don't know what to say."

I look up at the sun dipping low in the sky. "I'm sorry. I know you asked me that question a thousand times, and I know I always said 'no', but it didn't hit me officially until then. I guess I've had inklings that maybe – maybe that's all he was, but it wasn't until that exact moment that I could even admit it to myself."

"Damn. Wow, no, I mean, I knew you weren't lying to me. Yourself, maybe, but not me. I'm not surprised, though."

I should've known she wouldn't be. "Yeah, so after I screeched at him, I locked myself in the bathroom. Mature, huh?"

She lets out a loud crack of laughter, and everyone looks our way. She just waves at them. "Mature? No, not at all, but really funny. Did he come after you?"

"Nope, he sure didn't," I tell her, sighing, "And that's fine. I was shrieking like a banshee at him, I wouldn't come after me either." Shaking my head, I decide it is best to change the subject. I don't particularly want to be talking about him when he makes his appearance back here. "So, how was the beach?"

Something incredible happens – her entire face changes, her whole presence changes. "He asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes."

It's my turn now. "Shut up!" She's grinning so happily that it is entirely contagious. "Tigger, that's awesome! If you're both happy, then I'm incredibly happy for you both!"

"Thanks," she grins, blushing a little, "I knew you would be. It's just, this is weird, but so good. I mean, I hated him so long, and now...it's like the opposite of that or something!"

I laugh. "You do know what the opposite of hate is, right?"

She rolls her eyes at me. "Of course I do, thank you very much."

"Well, there's a thin line between love and hate, and I'm glad you two are on the right side of it finally."

"Wow, nice cliché," she laughs, "So, that was a nice subject changing maneuver you had there. Why don't you want to talk about Nathan?"

"Brooke," I whine, "This isn't the place. His parent's backyard? Come on. I don't even know if there is anything to talk about."

"Bullshit, there is a ton to talk about, and you dang well know it. Own up to that much at least."

Something that she says strikes a nerve. "Do you think I'm a coward?"

She turns to me, sighing. "No, not a coward, just that you would be better off it you were a little quicker to admit things to yourself. Of course, I have that problem, too," she says, with a wave of her arm, indicating Luke.

"You two are disgustingly cute together, even when you're fighting," I tell her, "And your admittance problems didn't go nearly as far as mine did."

She shrugs. "Well, I'm just special. And now, what do you say we join the rest of the party?"

"Fine with me," I concur, "Even though I know you only want to sit on Luke's lap." She starts to protest, but I cut her off. "Oh, don't even try to deny it," I laugh.

"So what if I do?" she laughs, "It's a very nice lap."

"I know," I nod, laughing at her reaction. "What? He's my best friend, like I've never sat in his lap before?"

"Well, I didn't need to know it for sure," she groans.

"I'm teasing. Well, I have sat on his lap, but never in an unfriendly way. God, so you two are going to make it a go, huh? Crazy."

She nods vigorously. "Tell me about it," she laughs as we walk towards the crowd, "But it's a good thing, don't you think, honey?"

Luke's eyes light up as she walks towards him, planting herself on his lap. "What's a good thing, sugar?"

"You and me, making a 'go' of it, as Tutor Girl said!" Everyone else at the table looks up in surprise. "Geez, don't all congratulate us at once," Brooke laughs, sounding nervous to my ears. Luke picks up on it, too, and I see his arms reflexively tighten around her in quiet reassurance.

"Well, so you're a couple now?" Karen asks, confused. She knows they've spent a lot of time together over the summer, but I think she thought that it was more for my benefit than because they were getting couple-y.

"Yeah, we are," Luke confirms, looking really happy. Karen and Keith both look thrilled, too. I think Brooke overwhelms them sometimes, but anyone who gets to know her can't help but love her.

"I've never seen him so happy," a voice says from behind me.

"I haven't either, not in a long time," I agree, not turning around. It's not like I need to see him to recognize his voice. I'd know it anywhere.

"You didn't say things had gone this far with them when we talked earlier," he mentions, moving to stand next to me. We both watch in silence for a few minutes as Brooke and Luke fill in everyone on how things progressed.

"I didn't know they had," I comment, "But it's really good to see them both so happy. Especially Brooke – it's not easy for her."

He nods. "Well, it's nice to see, I guess," he sighs.

"Sorry I freaked out on you earlier," I tell him, finally glancing up at him. He looks down at me and nods, no expression on his face.

There was a time when I could read everything he was thinking and feeling, just by looking in his eyes. Obviously, that time has come and gone, because now? I've got nothing. And I don't know what to do with nothing.

"It's okay, I should've kept my mouth shut. I was never good at that, though, was I?" he asks, trying for levity.

"Let me apologize," I say gently, "I was wrong and rude, and I had no right to be. So I'm sorry. Um, and now I'm going to go get something to eat."

I move away from him then, needing to get back some personal space. I walk over and sit at an empty chair, trying not to grimace when I realize Nathan will probably take the one next to me since Brooke will want the open one by Luke. He does, and I keep my expression straight.

Conversation focuses on Nathan and Luke and their last years at college. They are both excited – Nathan seems to be rated as a good prospect for getting drafted, and Luke has that possibility, too, although he doesn't seem to want it as much. I participate in the conversation some, and Nathan even asks me a few questions about my plans for after graduation, which are vague even to me right now.

Of course, Nathan plans on getting drafted, and becoming a hot shot young NBA star. Luke admits that he's more undecided, and that he's considered not making himself eligible for the draft, and just moving back to Tree Hill.

"My life is here," he explains, "My family, my friends, and I don't know if I'm ready to leave that all behind yet. Again."

"That'd be a lot to give up, Luke," Karen says, even though she looks happy he might be moving back here.

He shrugs. "Yeah, but I might get a lot more out of it," he tells her, smiling at Brooke. "Besides, basketball got me through college, and I'll have a degree by the end of the year. What more could I want out of it?"

"The money and the honies," Nathan jokes. I fight the urge to roll my eyes and throw a fork at him. God, where is this jealousy coming from?

"There's more to life than that, Nathan," Dan says, smiling.

"Yeah, I know, Dad," he busts out, "And I'm sure Luke will go ahead and prove that there is, while I'll be out corrupting myself and hordes of other people with my greed and desire to continue playing basketball."

With that, he jumps up, his chair crashing back behind him. Everyone stares at each other, no one making a move to go after him. "Um, I guess I'll go," I say, standing up. No one looks at me, and I guess they are all still trying to process what just happened.

When I catch up to him, he is slamming out the front door of the house, heading for the car he rented. "Nathan!" I scream, as he shuts his door. To his credit, he doesn't throw the car into gear and leave; he waits.

"Haley, please, now is not the time. I know that was rude and uncalled for, but I'm not going back there right now."

"I know, Nathan, and I wasn't going to say you should. I just want to talk." I walk around the car and get in the passenger seat.

"You know I'm not in the mood."

I nod. "Yeah, but that's okay, I've seen you worse. A lot worse," I remind him, and it does elicit a smile. We drive awhile in peace and quiet; I don't want to push him yet. He drives us down to the river court, and he parks the car and gets out.

"This is where it all started," he says, walking to stand in the middle of it, "This is where Luke got what it took to play with the Ravens."

"I know."

He looks at me. "You know that I love him, right? That I think of him as a brother and a friend now?"

"Of course, Nathan, we all know that!"

"Then why am I so jealous of him?" he whispers, falling to his knees there at the center of the court, "Why do I want what he has?"

"Nathan, you have everything that he has." He looks at me like I'm crazy. "Nathan! You do! You have a family that adores you and would do anything for you, and you have great friends who really care about you. You are an awesome basketball player, and you're busting your ass in college to get yourself a great career to fall back on!"

"When I first got to know Luke, he had Keith, who acted like a dad as well as an uncle. And he barely acted like an uncle to me because Luke needed him more. I got that, I did, but I was stuck with Dan. And you remember how he was back then, how nothing was good enough. I was so jealous that I was stuck with him while Luke got Keith! But now, now Luke has Keith as his father, and he has Dan, too. Everything Luke does is huge for Dan, this big, huge thing and it's so great, and so smart, and so wonderful, and I could end world hunger and he wouldn't notice."

I sit down in front of him, crossing my legs. "I didn't know you felt that way," I say, taking his hands.

"He's always had what I want, and I try really hard not to let this stuff bother me anymore, but here I am, bothered. And I feel like crap over it, because I know that I shouldn't be upset – he's my brother, and I love him."

I squeeze gently, rubbing my thumbs over his fingers. "He knows you love him, Nathan. I know he does, and he loves you, too. Dan loves you, too. You know that, don't you?"

He nods. "I just think that sometimes not as much, and then I wonder why Lucas has everything I ever wanted."

"Luke never had it easy," I remind him, "Things were really tough for him up until our senior year."

"I know, but he had Keith, who was better than having his real dad in the picture then, and he had Karen, who was always there for him, and he had you."

"You had me, too," I smile at him, "Anything I'd do for him, I'd do for you, too, Nathan. Maybe even more."

He leans forward and pulls me to him. "I needed to hear that right now. Thank you," he whispers into my hair.

I wrap my arms around him. "You know I mean it, right? Because I would. I know things aren't like they used to be for us, but you're still – well, you, and I'd still do anything for you, Nathan."

"Hey, likewise," he grins, pulling away. He looks more like himself, and I'm glad I helped at least a little. "Thanks – for chasing after me, I mean. No one else wanted to, huh?"

"I think they were a little stunned, but that was fine by me." He raises an eyebrow at me. "It gave me the chance to come instead, gave us this chance to talk. That's – that's good, Nathan."

He nods, leaning slightly back towards me, his eyes darkening as they stare into my own. "Yeah, it is good. I needed you, Haley J."

I smile. "I know. And I'm just really glad I was there to chase after you."

"Hey, you remember that awful family dinner you came to? It couldn't have been long after we started dating. It was the one where it came out that Dad - ?"

"Oh, God," I interrupt, "I remember that night. It was awful. I think I realized how strong you were that night, to be able to deal with all that on a regular basis."

"Just another day at the Scott's," he laughs, "It was awful, though, wasn't it?" It's a rhetorical question, so I don't answer. "I was glad you were there that night, and that even then, you were the one chasing after me, making sure I was okay."

"I have to know you're okay," I tell him, moving so I'm sitting next to him and can lean my chin on his shoulder, "Because if I don't know you are, then I'm not. It's that simple."

"God, Haley, don't say stuff like that, okay? You're making it complicated."

"I don't mean to," I sigh, pulling away from him, thinking he might need space.

"No, don't – don't go. It's just that this feels too much like old times, and we both know, this ain't old times."

"Yeah, I guess it isn't."

"I'm sorry about what I said earlier," he whispers, running his hand through my hair, "It wasn't fair to accuse you of using Jason as a substitute for me. I'm sure there was a lot more to your relationship than me."

I laugh a little, surprised he's apologizing. "You were right, though, to an extent. And I flipped out because I didn't want to admit, not even to myself. It was too hard."

"You're not just saying that because I put words in your mouth, are you?" he asks, obviously concerned.

I shake my head, willing myself not to let anymore tears fall. "No, but I kind of wish I was. Isn't that the worse reason you've ever heard? Doesn't that make me a pretty crappy person?"

"Misguided, a little," he sighs, "But not a bad person. Never a bad person. Life is just messed up sometimes, so why should we be, too?"

"Oh, with reasoning like that..." I laugh.

"Hey, I thought it sounded good," he defends, but laughs, too, "But really, we all had to cope and move on, you know? Some of us just did it better than others." He thinks about it for a second. "Okay, scratch that – I think Jake is the only one who did a good job of it."

I laugh with him, shaking my head. "Yeah, Peyton, um, had her freak out, Luke slept his way through three classes at college, and I rushed a relationship that sunk worse than the Titanic." I tilt my head to the side, looking at him. "I guess you're in the Jake camp, huh?"

He shakes his head. "Nah, freshman year I tried to force relationships to get over you, and then I got drunk and fooled around. Or else I moped over you and didn't do anything. After that, I spent the last two years spending all of my time on the court or at the library to the point where I barely have any friends."

"We're a sorry lot, huh?" I ask, trying not to laugh.

"Yeah, we are, so what's so funny about that?"

"Well, I mean, we were all sort of popular in high school, and now with the exception of Luke, we all kind of keep to ourselves and are just busting our butts to get through school. How did that happen?"

"We grew up?" he suggests, and I shrug. "I don't know then, if it isn't that."

I lie on back and look up at the stars. "You know, it is a really nice night. Look at all the stars," I tell him, pointing them out.

He lies back beside me. "Yeah, it's nice. And you know what? It wouldn't be half as nice if you weren't here."

"Thanks, Nathan," I say, smiling. I'm not thinking of what this all means, where things are going – no, I'm just enjoying the moment, and this is a nice one.

"Things aren't so bad for us, though, you know?" he asks.

"I know. I have Brooke, and even Tim is coming around. Life is a lot different now, but not all bad."

"Do you wish things had stayed the same?" he asks, looking over at me. I feel his hot gaze on the side of my face.

"I don't know, some of them yeah. But I really like Brooke and Tim, and I wouldn't change that part." I look over at him, meeting his gaze. "What happened with you and Tim? Before you and I went out, you were best friends. He just seemed to go away after that."

"I don't know. It's like at the time, we were going in different directions, and I had you, and you were my focus. Especially after we got married. You were all I could see, all I needed. There wasn't room. I guess that makes me a bad friend," he sighs.

"But a really good husband," I laugh, then sober. "I'm sorry for asking, I know it isn't my business. But he seems to have this irrational dislike for you, and then when he and Jason attacked you at that party, it was all so clear that he hates you. I just wondered why."

"That's why," he notes tersely, "Because I was a jerk and stopped being his friend. It was even worse when Luke and I got close."

I nod, understanding. "Well, you know what? It's late, and your parents are probably worried you hate them all over again," I point out, sitting up, "You should get back home."

"Where are you staying?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't think I am. I'll just drive back to Durham. I don't even want to swing by my parent's house to see if they're gone again."

"You can stay with us." He blushes. "I mean, my parent's have the guest room always made up."

"Thanks, Nathan, but I'll be okay. I have finals this week, anyways, so I should study tomorrow, all day if possible."

"Okay." He stands up, and turns around, offering me his hands. I accept, and he pulls me to my feet. We make the drive back to his parent's place in silence, each with a million things on our minds. He's at the front of mine, but I don't know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling right now, so I'm not going to push anything.

"I'm leaving tomorrow. I have a basketball meeting on Monday that I can't miss, so I probably won't see you again for awhile."

I nod, praying he doesn't see the tears in my eyes. "I'm glad you came for this, even if you couldn't stay long. It was really good to see you, Nathan."

"You too, Haley J. I've missed you."

"Me, too."

We both get out of the car, and I make my way over to mine as he goes in the house. I can see Deb and Dan through the window, and they both envelope him in a hug as he walks in. Sure, he's a twenty-two year old man now, but he'll always be their son. Dan waves to me and mouths a 'thank you', and I wave back and get in my car.

It is really hard to drive back tonight, knowing that Nathan is in Tree Hill, but will be gone tomorrow. A part of me wants to turn back and climb into his bed and ask him if things can be like they used to, but I'm rational enough to know they can't. Because time doesn't go backwards, it only goes forward, and for some reason, we all have to go with it.

Whether we like it or not.