Chapter Eighteen – Songbird
'For you, there'll be no
more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining,
And I feel that
when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right' –
Fleetwood Mac
September, Labor Day weekend, 2010
"We're going to Vegas, we're going to Vegas!" Brooke cheers, excited as all get out about this little trip to meet up with Nathan. He has a short break before the basketball season really gets underway, so he's invited Luke, Brooke, and I to Vegas to hang out with him. It will be the first trip for each of us, and admittedly, we're all excited.
"We're all excited, muffin," Luke tells her, in the most annoying way possible. God, I know it's supposed to be cute, but it just makes me ill.
I'm excited to see Nathan in the way where I haven't slept for almost a week, and he's constantly on my mind. It's kind of pathetic, actually. The thing is, we haven't had the talk yet. He got called to LA by his agent for a charity game; he said he didn't want to go, and I believed him, but he's a rookie, and rookies kinda gotta do what they're told, I guess.
But I'm going to see him now. For four whole days in the same hotel. Side by side rooms, even, so if that isn't conducive to talking, I don't know what is.
He should be here soon. His plane is scheduled to land about twenty minutes after ours, so we're waiting by baggage claim for him.
"You're pathetically nervous," Brooke tells me with a laugh. I roll my eyes at her, shrugging. "Seriously, Hales, you need to calm down about this whole thing, okay?"
"She's kind of right," Luke agrees, trying to rewrap his ace bandages on his arm. The break was bad enough that he'd ended up having pins put in, and he's only been out of the cast for a week, and he still has to keep it supported and in a sling.
"I'm not nervous about seeing Nathan, I'm just…excited." They both guffaw with laughter, and I have half a mind to ditch them here and meet up with Nathan later when they aren't around. "You two shouldn't talk anyways," I sigh.
"What?" Brooke looks offended I compared her to me. I don't know if it's that I've spent too much time around them, but these two are driving me insane. They're on this high and mighty kick where they seem to think that everything about their relationship is bigger and better than anyone else's, and of course, they're now relationship gurus dispensing advice like it's coffee.
"Hey, there he is," Luke says, interrupting my thoughts – and the retort I would've laid down for Brooke that would've included many examples of these two acting like idiots in the confines of their relationship.
I glance up, eager for a glimpse of him. I don't care if that makes me insufferably pathetic; I want to see him now. He looks good, relaxed. He shakes hands with Luke and they both smile, having resolved a lot of their issues over the telephone. Nathan and I discussed having our talk over the phone, but again, we decided we'd rather do this face to face. He nods to Brooke, who still has a hard time getting along with him, and then turns to me.
His smile is so big and bright that I'm half tempted to throw myself at him, kissing him senseless right here in the airport, but I maintain an aura of decorum and instead wrap my arms tightly around his neck, hugging him.
"Hey Haley," he whispers into my hair, "I missed you."
God, I'm going to cry. Brooke and Luke are right: I am pathetic. "I missed you, too," I reply, managing to hold the tears in.
Unable to resist, I drop a kiss on his jaw, back near his ear. It's soft and feather light, meant to be intimate. Judging by the way he pulls me closer, holding me tighter, it was.
"Get a room," teases a bored looking Brooke.
We reluctantly pull apart, and Nathan grins when he sees me blushing. "Come on, let's get out of here and go have some fun," he suggests, moving away from me to grab his bag off of the baggage wheel.
I smile at him when he touches my arm as I lift up my bags. "Let's get to the hotel," Brooke enthuses, "Drop this stuff off, and hit the clubs!"
"The clubs? Already?" Nathan asks, "Shouldn't we hang out around the hotel for awhile or something?"
"What happened to party all the time Nathan that we all knew…and knew…in high school?" Brooke asks snidely. I'm going to have to talk to her about this attitude she has with Nathan. It's ticking me off, and if it's on Luke's behalf like I suspect it is, then it is wasted now, as they've made their peace.
"Brooke," I begin, but Nathan cuts me off.
"Look, I might've partied a lot in high school, but that's not what my life is about anymore," he defends, "And it isn't like you'd know about that anyways, so quit judging. And if we want to get real, it isn't like you should be one to talk, Legs Wide Open Davis."
Brooke looks slightly chagrined, but enraged at his use of the nasty nickname she'd had for a year in high school after she'd gotten caught with her pants down in the janitor's closet with a teacher. But her eyes still hold a defiant look to them as she matches his stare. "Look, - "
"No, stop it. I mean it, if you two fight, I'm out of here. Gone, goodbye, back to Tree Hill, and I'll take Hales with me. I mean it. This is supposed to be a fun week."
I can't help it – I laugh at Luke's outburst.
"This isn't funny, Tutor Girl," Brooke snaps, looking irritated with all three of us, "And Luke, how could you say that to me? And did you hear what that jackass said to me?"
"Easy, you're being a shrew for no particular reason. Maybe he was out of line, but you started it, pudding."
"Okay, let's just get to the hotel," I suggest, stepping in. Nathan winks at me, though, suggesting that he's more amused by Brooke's wrath than anything else, which is a relief. I knew he wouldn't be devastated by her blatant dislike of him, but it would make things harder if he wanted to get combative with her.
We head to the car rental place, which I think is stupid since Vegas isn't that big and they have taxis, but Luke is under the illusion that he might get us to drive up to see the Hoover Dam with him. Apparently, he doesn't get that we are only here for four days, and the Hoover Dam probably won't get squeezed into the itinerary.
"How's Seattle?" I ask Nathan as Brooke and Luke stand at the counter.
He shrugs. "I don't know, it's nice, I guess. It's different from here, I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. The funny thing is, if I get settled there, I'll probably be traded anyways. I don't know, I guess I don't want to let myself like it too much, you know?"
I smile. "Yeah, I get it. There's that whole aura of uncertainty, and you don't want to get too attached to something until you know there is a permanence to it." Or until you know it feels the same way.
"I should've known you'd get it," he smiles, "You pretty much always get me."
I look sideways at him. "Is that a good thing, or is it a very, very bad thing?" I ask with a laugh.
"So it's either good or very, very bad? Two verys? Why couldn't it just be bad?" he asks back, smirking at me.
"Smartass, answer the question."
He grins. "You know it isn't a bad thing. I mean, that's probably only because you're usually on my side, though," he laughs.
"Brat," I laugh, smacking his chest. Everything about this feels so natural, and right now, until we can talk, all I can do is hope he feels the same way.
Luke procures the car, and we load our stuff in there and pile in, and head for the hotel. We're staying at the Bellagio because Nathan has declared that this trip will be nothing but the best for his brother and friends. Normally it would make me nervous, this frivolous show of tossing money around, but from what I can tell, he's been really responsible so far, telling me about his investment banker and portfolio manager. Who am I to turn down a trip to Vegas, right?
"This is going to be so. much. fun!" Brooke squeals, throwing her arms around Lucas, who is trying to drive.
"We should've hired a limo," Nate sighs, shaking his head at them. Since we're sitting at a stoplight, Luke has turned towards Brooke and they're making out. Charming. "You know, you could've warned me they're like this."
I shrug. "They aren't usually this bad. Maybe it's the thrill of Vegas," I suggest, "I bet we barely see them all weekend."
"That's a bet I won't be taking," he laughs.
"If you two are talking about us," Luke grins in the rearview mirror, "You can stop right now. We've finished doing what we were doing."
"'Bout time," I quip, hoping they realize that there is enough truth behind it to at least tone down the make-out sessions.
We check into the hotel, which is quite possibly the most beautiful place on earth. Forget Mother Nature and her tropical paradises and her frozen, crystal landscapes, this is perfect. This is a masterpiece. All four of us are more than a little awestruck at the sight in front of us as we stand in the bustling lobby trying to decide if we should follow the bellhop who took our luggage to our rooms, or if we should head for a casino.
"I don't think we're in Tree Hill anymore, Toto," Luke breathes out, staring at the beautiful layout in front of us.
"No shit, Dorothy," Nathan laughs, slugging him in the arm in a brotherly way. It always makes me smile to see them act so brotherly towards one another, and it's been awhile since that has happened.
"Bite me, Wicked Witch," Luke retorts, laughing.
"Face it, boys, you're both flying monkeys," I laugh, saying it as though I'm pointing out the obvious.
Brooke laughs, agreeing. "And I am so the Good Witch!"
"No way," Nathan argues, "Haley is far more on the good side than you are."
"But she'd obviously be Dorothy," Brooke disagrees, "You know, the naïve, innocent one who brings everyone together."
"Oh, my God, this is the worst analogy I've ever heard," I groan, blushing at Brooke's assertion that I'm naïve and innocent, not to mention possessing of special powers to bring people together.
Things have clearly calmed down between Brooke and Nathan as they are now able to joke with each other, which is a relief to both Luke and me, who would really rather not be stuck in the middle.
"Well, maybe we could get something to eat," Brooke suggests, "We haven't eaten since breakfast."
We all agree, and head out to find a restaurant. All of us decided it'd be more fun to leave the hotel and find a restaurant in one of the other hotels, so that's what we're doing. It's actually a fun meal, with Luke and Brooke keeping the PDAs to a minimum, and all of us joking around together in a relaxed manner. Nathan gets irritable, though, when the waiter nearly pours ice water in his lap.
Brooke stands up then, and announces that she and I are going to run to the ladies room. This has never been something that she and I did, thank God, but I shrug and go along with her. If she's going to start the peeing in pairs methodology that is so popular with some women, I might as well see what the deal is.
"So, Nathan is totally into you," she says as she reapplies her lipstick. I'm fixing my hair, but stop abruptly when she says this.
"What?" I squeak, turning to her, "What are you talking about?" I'm hoping she's picked up on something that I haven't.
"Did you see the waiter checking you out?" I shake my head no. "Huh, well, that's why he almost spilled his water on Nathan, and that's why Nathan got so pissy after that. He didn't like the guy checking you out."
A fissure of delight bursts through me. If Nathan is jealous of some no-name waiter, maybe he isn't opposed to getting back together. "Hmm, well, I guess jealousy is a good thing," I say to Brooke.
She nods. "You know, you might have to use that your advantage." I roll my eyes at her in the mirror. "No, I'm serious. Let's talk the guys into going out from here, and then at the club, you dance with a few other guys. Get his blood pumping in that keyed up, adrenaline, sports way before taking him back to the hotel to hash things out."
Maybe she's not far off the mark on this one. Then again, "Brooke, I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to play games with Nathan right now. We're on this tightrope, and the options are to fall together or fall separately, and I don't want to do anything that might push him off without me."
She shrugs. "So, if you do, you jump after him. That's what you've got to figure out, Hales. You can't let him get away anymore, not without a fight, anyways."
I nod, knowing this. I really do, I'm so tired of not having him, and knowing that I haven't even tried to get him. That's just sad and pathetic, and those are things I don't want to be. I want to take these chances, and I want to at least be able to say I went for what I wanted, regardless of whether or not I get it.
"I'm hoping he'll want to talk soon," I admit, "And maybe we can go back to the hotel or something. It's too hot to hang outside right now."
She nods. "Well, I'll drag Luke off for some nice air-conditioned shopping, so you guys won't have us around to distract you."
I laugh, hugging her. "Thanks, I'd really appreciate that. I need to do this, and if I can get it done tonight, the rest of the trip could be ecstasy for me." We both leave it unsaid that it could just as easily be agony.
"So, we're finally going to talk about everything, huh?" Nathan asks, smirking at me. Brooke was true to her word, and effectively dragged Luke off, ditching us. Nathan even suggested coming back here and just talking, catching up and getting to know each other again.
"I'm ready if you are," I confirm, and he reaches out and grabs my hand, squeezing it gently. I smile gratefully at him.
"You don't have to be nervous; I don't bite."
I roll my eyes at him. "I know otherwise, and I'm not." He glances up sharply at me. "Okay, I am, but it doesn't matter. I can ignore it if you can."
He nods. "So, you're going to start, right?" he asks, winking at me. He has totally picked up on shaky and nervous I am, and he's exploiting it for all it's worth. And having a great time doing so.
"Um, I can start," I sigh, not wanting to, "If you think that it's best I do!"
He laughs, "Nice try, Haley J. Come on, don't you think this is something that you should start this time?" he says gently.
He's right, I know he is. I need to take the initiative this time, and tell him how I'm feeling. But it makes me nervous still, and so I try and play it off a little. "Well, at least tell me what you want to talk about so I know we're on the same page. You know, I wouldn't want to go off on a tangent," I smile, hoping he'll be kind enough to tell me what he's wanting to discuss.
"Us, Haley, I want to talk about us. Now, stop stalling."
Oookay. "Do you want me to ease in, or jump right in with both feet?" I ask, shifting from side to side nervously.
"Haley!" he exclaims, laughing, "Just do it!"
I settle back on the couch – Nathan insisted we each have a suite – and he sits down next to me, so I turn to face him. I take a deep breath, trying to settle my very unruly nerves.
"Okay, I guess I'll start at the beginning," I say looking at my hands like they're the most fascinating things in the world, "That makes as much sense as anything, right?" He smiles encouragingly. "God, I have to go back a long way to get to the beginning," I babble, "So, bear with me."
He reaches out and squeezes both my hands in one of his. "Hey, it's okay. Haley, you can say anything you want to me." I nod, willing myself to calm down, at least outwardly. "Okay, okay," he says, taking pity on me, "I'll start. I think I would start with what happened the night of the draft, when we slept together."
"No," I burst out, interrupting him. He looks startled, but I push on. "Nate, it would be so, so easy for me to let you do the talking here, but that's not right. It just isn't." He starts to protest, but I push on. "I mean it. I owe this to you, to tell you this without you creating the openings for me. To tell you the truth. I owe you that."
He nods, settling back against the fluffy, plush cushions of the couch. "Okay, I just hate seeing you all nervous."
I smile a little. "Well, I hate being all nervous, but once I get this out, it should be better, right?"
"That's the idea," he agrees.
"Okay, let's do this then. When we broke up," I sigh, "God, that was a long time ago. Anyways, I wasn't doing it because I didn't love you or because I didn't want to be with you. I mean, I know I've explained it before, but I was always so afraid that you'd move on and find something better, someone you would love more. And that scared me, Nathan. I didn't want to be someone you felt guilty about or thought about only out of obligation."
"I know all this," he says quietly.
I nod. "But it was so hard, Nathan, because I loved you so much, and I didn't want you out of my life. I didn't want you to find someone new, and I didn't want to find someone new for myself."
"But you did," he says sadly, finally breaking his gaze away from mine.
I shrug, "Yeah, in a way, I did. It wasn't the same, though; it never was. Do you know how long it took me to admit that to myself even? Till my goddamn wedding, Nathan! That's awful, but I was so set on 'moving on' that I was almost willing to put both Jason and I into a situation that would've ruined both of us!"
"Hey, you didn't though, and that counts for a lot, Haley J. I know you feel guilty about what you did to Pretty Boy, but forget him – he's proved since that he wasn't even halfway good enough to be worthy of you."
I shake my head. "It doesn't excuse what I did. I used him, Nathan. For almost two years, I used him even when I didn't realize that I was."
"Maybe you're putting too little importance on that relationship, Haley," he says, I guess invoking some of the psych classes he took in college. "It had to have meant something to you for you to stick around that long, right?"
I shrug. "Sure, it meant something. It meant I should've stayed friends with him, and never gone out with him in the first place. I certainly shouldn't have gotten engaged to him when I knew that I still – "
"That you still what, Haley?" he asks, moving closer to me.
"That I still wasn't over you, Nathan. That I still had feelings for you that were anything but resolved." Unchecked tears are streaming down my face now. "I messed up, Nathan," I whisper, "I messed up so bad so many times, and now I don't know how to fix it!"
"You can't always fix the past, Haley, sometimes you just have to move forward."
"I know, I know that. Oh, God, how I've learned that this last year and a half," I laugh wryly, "But the thing is, I want to fix this. With all my heart, I wish I could fix it."
"So, you wish you didn't hurt Jason, and so you feel bad about it, move on," he orders, looking agitated.
"That isn't what I'm saying," I protest, "God, Nathan, I'm sorry that I hurt you, and that's what I wish I could fix! I wasn't talking about hurting Jason, I was talking about how my being with Jason hurt you!" He raises his eyebrows in silent question. "Damn it, all that time after I ran out on Jason I tried to tell myself it was about hurting him – that's why I felt so bad. But then I finally realized that it wasn't about Jason, it was about you and me. And that's when I really started feeling like shit about the whole thing."
"What are you saying, Haley?" he asks quietly, leaning forward again, his hands clenching and unclenching in his lap.
"I'm saying that I could never love Jason because I was still in love with you! So I screwed him over, and I screwed you over, and damn it, I even screwed myself over!"
And there it is. Finally, it is all out there. I can't bear to look up at him; if his face indicates he doesn't feel the same way, I'll be crushed. It wouldn't really be right that I would, since he doesn't have a reason to feel the same way now, but I still would. At the same time, it had to be said. I had to do this, for his sake as well as my own.
"Haley," he sighs, "I don't know if we can do this again."
I nod stiffly, "I – I understand."
"No, you don't," he sighs again, tipping my chin up so I'm forced to look at him. "I'm not saying we can't, I'm just saying – what if…?"
"What if what? What if I push you away again? I won't, Nathan, I'm so different now that I know I want to fight for you. I know that some things are worth going all out for, and I know that you are one of them! It took a long time for me to get my nerves up to realize that's what I wanted, but here I am! If there is no chance you feel the same, tell me, and I'll accept it, but otherwise, I want to fight for this, for us."
"You think it's that easy, Haley? I'm going to be in Seattle for a huge chunk of the year, and I know you don't really want to leave Tree Hill. How would it be any different than it was the first time around?" he asks, challenging me.
"Because four years have gone by, and I know now that you don't just let go of something that you want, that you love – when you do, you end up with nothing. I don't want nothing, Nathan; I want you."
I'm still looking him straight in the eye, willing him to believe me and also just willing him to want what I want. He has to believe me, I don't know what I'd do if he doesn't. Watching the play of emotions over his face gives me hope.
"Haley J," he sighs, leaning closer to me, "God, I've waited and wanted for so long for you to say those words to me."
"And now," I begin, faltering, "Now that I've said them, what? You are scaring me, Nathan, being all quiet. That's not like you."
He reaches his hands up, and places one on each side of my face. I turn so that I can kiss the palm of his hand, still keeping my eyes on his. "I love you, Haley, and everything in me tells me that I shouldn't let you know that, I should make you squirm, make you feel like I felt all this time, but I can't. I love you too much."
I throw myself into his arms, and I want to kiss him, hold him, and show him how I feel, but I can't. I'm too overcome emotionally to do any of those things, so the best I can muster is to just hold onto him for dear life.
"You mean it?" I choke out in between sobs of relief, happiness.
He nods, not releasing me. "I've loved you since day one, and I'd be a fool now to turn down what I really want. And you – you are all that I have ever wanted. I couldn't turn you down if I wanted, baby."
I press myself even closer to him, climbing onto his lap. "I love you, Nathan. God, I could sit here repeating that all day, and it wouldn't even be close to what I really feel."
"I love you, too, baby, even though I've told myself a thousand times the last four years that I shouldn't."
I nod into his shoulder, not thinking about his words so much as feeling his arms around me. "I'm gonna make it all up to you, Nathan, I promise you that."
He pulls away to look at me. "Oh, Haley J, that's not what it's about. We just move forward now, okay?"
"But there is so much behind us that we have to deal with," I say, trying to keep the practical, rational part of my brain functioning as the rest of me reacts to the nearness of his body.
He slides one hand up into my hair, and I sigh and relax against him. I can't remember the last time I felt this good, physically and mentally and emotionally. I turn my face towards him, pressing light kisses to his cheek and jaw. He slides his hands under my legs, and lifts me so that I am straddling his lap.
I pull back my attentions from his cheek and jaw, and look into his eyes. They are glowing like blue fire, and I'm getting drawn into their flames, just as I wanted, just as I've wanted for so long now. He slides his hands up to gently brush the tears off my cheeks, and then leans in to kiss me. I melt into him, savoring the feeling of him against me.
"You're what?" Nathan asks, his jaw dropping.
"Getting married!" Luke grins, "Isn't that great? I mean, yeah, Mom and every will probably be pissed that we didn't wait and do it in Tree Hill, but hell, we're in Vegas and what do people do in Vegas?"
"They get married!" Brooke answers drunkenly.
"Oh, my God," I groan under my breath so they can't hear me. Nathan stifles a chuckle as he rests his hand on my shoulder. Brooke and Luke both lose interest in us and move away. "Why would they think this is a good idea?" I moan to Nathan.
"I don't know if it's them so much or if it's their good buddy Jose who seems be doing most of the thinking for them this weekend."
He's right, they've both spent a whole lot of this weekend drinking, but I chalked that up to a Vegas thing and didn't figure it would lead to anything bad other than one of them getting mad at the other for flirting. Which has happened repeatedly. In fact, Brooke interrupted some really hot and heavy reunion sex between Nate and I that I'm still a little pissed about.
"This is such a bad idea," I whisper to him, "But I can't do anything or say anything without them getting pissed at me."
He nods, thinking about it. "You think Brooke wants us to do this because three of Britney's weddings have been here? She's still her idol, right?"
I snort indelicately as I try to choke back my laughter. "Nathan, don't make this funny! It's really serious!"
He pulls me into his arms and bends down to kiss me. His lips move enticingly against mine, and for a minute, I forget that I'm standing in the middle of the lobby of a Las Vegas wedding chapel. I wrap my arms around his neck, and he slides his hands down my back, over my hips to my butt so he can lift me up against.
"See, I got the Cuervo in me, too," he grins, when we pull apart for air. I guess I'm the only one who hasn't been drinking, but I haven't been feeling good, and so the idea of a hangover really is doing nothing for me. Besides, sometimes there is something to be said for being the sober, less likely to do stupid things one.
I laugh, but scold him, too. "Was that just a distraction kiss? Because that is a low tactic. A good one, a really good one, but it was still low."
He swats me on the rear. "Maybe it was a distraction method, but I just felt like it, too," he admits, "I can't seem to get enough of touching you. I guess it's the equivalent of pinching me to make sure I'm not dreaming."
"It's definitely not a dream," I confirm, pulling him down for another kiss.
"God, break it up you two freaks," Brooke comments from behind us, laughing her giddy, drunk laugh.
"Yeah, yeah," Nathan sighs, pulling away from me. I feel the loss immediately. "So, what's the deal?" he asks cautiously.
"The deal is we're getting married!" Brooke squeals, throwing her arms around Lucas. "We are getting married. I'll be Mrs. Brooke Davis-Scott! Oh, my God, let's do this!"
They've already filled out the forms with the clerk, and someone now comes out and gives Brooke and me flowers to hold and Brooke a veil to wear. They have suit jackets for Nathan and Luke, and Nathan does not look impressed that he has to wear it over his t-shirt and khaki shorts. Of course, I'm not too excited when I'm handed a heavy, beaded shawl that I'm apparently supposed to wrap around my waist to give the appearance of an evening gown. At least that's what we're told.
Nathan and Luke stand at the altar, and although I feel foolish, I walk down ahead of Brooke. This whole thing feels so odd – rushed and unlike Brooke and Luke. I can't help but think that when they get past this giddy, honeymoon phase, they'll have regrets. It's very similar to the Nathan and me getting married when we were sixteen.
"Dearly beloved," the Elvis impersonator begins. He even does the Elvis voice, which is kinda cool, I have to admit. Nathan and I look at each other, and I try not to crack up as he rolls his eyes.
It's a really dorky ceremony, exactly what I'd expect out of a last-minute Vegas wedding, but I have to admit that both Luke and Brooke look entirely blissful. When Faux Elvis pronounces them man and wife, Brooke tackles Luke to the ground, kissing him. Even Faux Elvis cracks a genuine grin at that.
The funny thing about this chapel is that they have a 'ballroom', where all of the couples and their guests who have been married here tonight can mingle and dance, so that's where we head next.
"Weird day," Nathan grins next to me. It has been weird, and even a little awkward. Last night was amazing, but in light of day, it is easier to remember there is still a lot of stuff Nathan and I will need to work out. But we've made the start, and this is vacation, and neither of us wants to rush into hashing out every detail of our lives right now.
"Very weird," I agree, smiling at him. My smile widens when he reaches down to take my hand. "I can't believe my best friends got married," I sigh.
"I know," he agrees, "It just feels off, doesn't it?" I nod. "I admit I don't know Brooke well anymore, but Luke isn't acting like himself, and I just am afraid this thing might blow up in their faces."
I lay my head on his shoulder, liking that I can touch him now whenever I want. "They've both been acting out of character, but we'll see. I really hope this works; I love them both so much, and I want them to be happy, but I'm just afraid this isn't going to be what makes them happy."
"You think Luke will regret not accepting the offer Houston makes?" he asks, truly sounding curious.
I shrug. "I don't know, I really think he wanted to be back in Tree Hill, but who knows, right? I mean, maybe someday he'll think of what might've been and wonder, but I believe he needed to be back home."
"What about me? Do you think I need to be back home?"
"Nathan," I say, careful to choose the right words, "I think that you should be wherever makes you happy. And if you have to go where the basketball is, then I think that's where you should be."
"So, you don't want me back in Tree Hill, then?" he teases, pretending to pout.
"What I want and what I think are two entirely different things, aren't they?" I point out, kissing him. "For the record? I'd love it if we were together all the time, but right now, that isn't in the cards. I hope there will be a time when it is, though."
"Good answer," he smiles, kissing me back again. "God, I missed this."
"Me, too." We both look out to where Brooke and Luke are dancing slowly together, completely lost in each other, and completely oblivious to how much more complicated they just made their lives by eloping. And this, this is one area that I would know about, and know well.
"They'll be okay," Nathan whispers in my ear, "Even if this whatever it is, this thing they have now doesn't work, they'll both be okay. They're tough, survivors. They can do it, Haley J, don't worry about them."
I nod, trying to think positively. "You know what?" I tell him resolutely, "I'm not worrying about this. It isn't my place to worry anyways."
"Good girl," Nathan laughs, "You should definitely be worrying about me instead. Worry about me all alone in Seattle without you."
"I don't worry about that," I insist, "I know you'll be fine."
He bends down, wrapping his arms around my waist and lifting me up. "You'll be fine, too, and we are going to see each other a lot. It'll be hard, but we'll make it work this time, okay?"
I nod, kissing him on the cheek. "I know, and I can't wait to make it start working."
"We already have, Haley," he smiles, kissing me long and hard.
Late September, 2010
"God, Tigger, I've been sick for the last month, this is getting old," I whine as I stumble into the dining room to sit down at the table with her, Luke, and Tim.
Luke and Tim are poring over the sports section, and have no interest in our conversation. Brooke looks at me sympathetically, shrugging. "Just go see the damn doctor then, Hales! I mean, this has been going on a long-ass time, and it obviously isn't going away. Come on, you're starting a job today, so you need to get your ass healthy so you can beautifully decorate the houses for all the rich people in town."
I nod, picking at a piece of bread, trying to get it down without gagging. "I have to go call Nathan before I go to the office," I smile, not sure if the smile is more for the office or Nathan. Well, probably Nathan.
"See ya later," Brooke smiles, "I'll have fun in lab while you're having fun at work." She smacks Luke and Tim on the arms. "Say goodbye and good luck to Hales. It's her first day of work!"
"Bye Hales," Luke grins, waving at me as he glances up from the paper, "You'll be great, I know it."
"Thanks, Luke." I kiss him on the cheek. I move over and kiss Tim on the cheek. "You two have fun at work today."
"We will," Tim grins, "You, too, James."
"Aye, aye, sir!" I salute, walking out the door.
"Make a doctor's appointment!" Brooke yells.
"Yes, Mommy," I yell back, rolling my eyes. Tim and Luke yell for me to go to the doctor, too, and I'm sure Brooke smacked them on the head and told them to.
It's a weird little family we have here, but it works. Tim and Luke have actually gotten to be pretty good friends, and they hang out now without Brooke or I around even. It was hard at first, with Luke being virtually moved in, but we've all adjusted pretty well, if I do say so myself.
It certainly isn't what you'd expect from a bunch of 22, 23, and 24 year olds, that's for sure. Especially not ones who have the history, the long, intertwined, hard history that we have. But here we are, not only coexisting, but strengthening old friendships and even making new ones.
I pull out my cell phone and enter in Nathan's new Seattle number, and start the car, turning down the radio as I wait for him to pick up. I pull out of the driveway, humming under my breath, anticipating hearing his voice.
"Hey beautiful, do you have any idea how early it is here?" he grumbles into the phone, "Because if you say yes, you do, then I might have to fly out there and get revenge personally."
"Aw, I'm sorry, what is it, six?" I tease, knowing full well that it is only 4:30 there, and that Nathan isn't really the greatest morning person in the world.
"Don't do me like that," he sighs, yawning into the phone to make his point, "We had an evening practice last night, and then I went out to a bar with a few of the guys."
"Have fun?" I ask, curious as to what he's doing at clubs exactly. I guess I'm a little jealous, and a little irritated that he's out having fun without me, even though I have fun here without him. And besides, after everything, I really do trust him.
I can practically hear him smirking through the phone. "Sure, it was alright. The clubs are better here than Durham, so that's something. Company isn't as good, though," he admits, probably more to placate me than anything else.
"I miss you, too," I say softly, "I've been thinking about you all morning."
"Mm, well, I was dreaming of you, but you rudely interrupted," he retorts mildly, "So, when are you going to come visit me?"
"Soon, I hope, but I'm kind of beginning to think I won't be able to get away from work until Thanksgiving," I sigh, missing him desperately.
"You could always come up for a weekend game in New York or Boston," he suggests hopefully, some of the sleep vacating his voice.
"Definitely," I agree, "But it just won't be for longer than that, unfortunately. But I'll definitely be with you on Thanksgiving, even if I have to quit my job."
He laughs. "Well, I hope that won't be necessary. But it'll be good if you can visit then, since we have a game in Seattle on Thanksgiving Day. You can see the apartment, and I can show you around the city."
"Like you know it so well now," I tease, laughing, "Besides, don't they hate out of staters there?"
"Nah, especially not if they're hot, young, rookie basketball players. Not that I've proven I can play yet or anything," he admits.
"Yeah, but you know you will," I say confidently. I have every faith that Nathan can do whatever he sets his mind to. He always has, and he always will. It takes a person with certain strength of character to have that gift.
"I'll do my best," he agrees, "So, first day of work. You excited yet?"
I shrug to myself even as I answer him. "I guess so. I mean, it's not exactly big-time designing or anything, but it'll be nice to have more cash flow than what comes from working at the café, you know?"
"Yeah, I know. So, how's everything else? How are Brooke and Luke doing so far?"
"I don't know, it's weird, Nathan, it's like they aren't even married. Luke hasn't even moved in entirely, and since they haven't told anyone but Tim, it's just odd. Hopefully once Christmas comes and goes and they let the cat out of the bag, they'll settle into more of a marriage type pattern."
"Luke sounds so," he pauses as he searches for the right word, "Nonchalant about it, like it's nothing. Just another day."
"I don't know, neither of them will talk about it with me, and I'm not going to push. This is their thing, so they need to figure it out. And they will, I'm sure."
"Yeah, they will." He yawns again. "So, whatcha wearing?"
I laugh. "Nathan! I can't believe you actually asked me that question. Besides, you're the one in bed, I should be asking you."
"You already know what I wear to bed," he reminds me huskily, "You've been there enough times with me."
"Not enough recently," I lament, but shake my head, resolving to focus on the times we had, not the times we lost. And most of my focus, of course, will go on the times to come.
"The only way it would be recent enough was if you were in here now with me," he decides, laughing a little, "And that could be resolved if you came here."
He's been doing this since Vegas. Subtle little insinuations that I should I move to Seattle with him, and damn if it isn't tempting. The thing is, I don't know if I'm ready to leave Tree Hill yet. For all intents and purposes, my family, Luke, Karen, Keith, and Eric, are here, as well as my extended family of Brooke, Tim, Deb, and Dan. It would be so hard to leave them right now. But Nathan understands that, and it is why he isn't pushing me beyond the reminders that I could be there if I chose to be.
"You never know what the future will hold," I tell him, not wanting to flat out say no, I won't be moving, but not able to say yes yet, either. So I play the middle, biding my time, knowing that if it ever comes down to it, I'll follow Nathan to the ends of the Earth.
"I love you, even if you are almost three thousand miles away," he tells me, and I think that is just the sweetest thing.
"What if it was more than three thousand, would you still feel the same way?" I ask back, coyly.
"Nah, then I'd drop you like a hot potato," he jokes.
"Thanks a lot," I grumble good-naturedly.
"You know I love you and would do anything for you. It's always been like that," he reminds me.
"I know," I murmur.
"You told me that once about how you felt about me. Well, except the love part, you didn't tell me that, but you said you'd do anything. I just wanted you to know I'd do anything for you, too."
"I know, Nathan, and thank you. God, you're making me miss you even more than normal," I sigh, feeling empty without him. Unfortunately, my earlier nausea is returning, and I have to pull the car over. "Hold on," I choke out as I jump out of the car so I can puke freely on the side of the road.
"Baby, are you okay?" he asks as I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. "God, Haley, how long as this been going on? You need to see a doctor, okay?"
"Yeah, I'll be okay. I was just going to make a doctors appointment today. I'm sick of being sick, and I think Brooke will kill me herself if I don't."
"Well, if you don't, I'll find one myself, and pay him to make a house call on you," he threatens.
"Well, don't do that, but if you ever want to play doctor with me," I tell him suggestively, "You're more than welcome to show up on my doorstep."
"Speaking of your doorstep, how long are you planning on living with Brooke and Tim?" he asks, sounding hesitant.
"I don't know, we haven't talked about it. I mean, I guess there will come a point when Brooke will realize that it's not really cool to have two extra roommates when you have a husband, but it doesn't seem to bother them yet."
"Okay, well, how long do you want to stay there?" he asks, trying again. I think I know what he's getting at, but this is something he needs to say. "I mean, look, you know I don't begrudge you your friends, even if I don't like them or think they're good enough for you or Luke. But I do worry about when I get to come visit you, how awkward it would be for me to stay there with you."
"Oh, baby, we'll make it work. Hey, if nothing else, we'll stay at your parent's beach house. And I'll talk to both of them about making sure they behave or whatever."
"The thing is," he points out, "It's their house, they should be able to behave however they want. And Tim is clearly uncomfortable around me, and I don't know if I'm getting old or something, but I don't like it when people are uncomfortable around me."
"Well, no he shouldn't, but we'll figure it out, Nathan. Hey, if Tim and Luke can be nice to each other, and actually hang out, you and Tim should be able to pull off being nice to each other for a few days, right?"
He groans. "It's not the same, though. Yeah, they had all that antagonistic bullshit between them, but Tim and I were friends, and then – it didn't end well, Haley J. And he and Luke didn't have that kind of bullshit between them to deal with. But how about this? Next time I'm there, I'll say hi and be nice instead of staying out of his way and ignoring him."
I smile to myself, thinking that is probably better than I could've asked for. "That'd be good, Nathan." I take a sip of my water, trying to get my stomach under control before I pull back out on the road. "I will be so happy when this stupid flu passes," I sigh into the phone.
"God, don't bring that up again, my mind is contemplating horrible things whenever I think of you being sick. Promise you'll see a doctor soon? Make the appointment today?"
His worry is touching, and of course I can't deny him anything, but I'm beginning to become worried myself. "I promise," I assure him softly, "I'll call as soon as I'm a little settled in at work."
"You better. I worry about you, Haley J, and if I find out you aren't taking care of yourself, I mean it, I'll be back there so fast your head will spin."
I smile as I pull back out onto the road. "I promise. And anyways, I'm sure it's nothing. What's the worst it could be? Food poisoning? A stomach flu that is really hard to kick? I just don't think it is anything that serious."
"Well, that's fine, but we aren't going to take any chances, now are we?" he asserts, and I laugh a little.
"No, we aren't, Mommy, geez."
"Hey," he protests, "I'm just worried about you. God, Haley, I just got you back, do you really think I have any intention of losing you now?"
"Oh, Nathan, please don't be so worried, okay? I'm sure it's nothing, and there's no point in worrying when we have no reason to suspect otherwise, right?"
"Fine, fine, I won't worry. Or at least I won't let you know that I am. Besides, you'll be visiting the doctor in the next day or two and figuring things out, right?"
"Absolutely," I confirm, pulling into the parking garage of the building I'll be working in. "Baby, I'm at work now, I have to go," I sigh.
"Damn, okay, you call me tonight and let me know how it went, okay?"
"You have an exhibition game," I point out, "So you'll be playing when I get home, and with any luck, I'll be in bed before your done."
He sighs. "Okay, so you'll leave a message. Hey, get out of the car and go inside. I know you're nervous, so just do it and get it over with," he encourages. I take his advice and jump out of the car.
"Thanks, Nathan, I love you."
"I love you, too, and I know you'll be incredible today. Knock 'em dead!"
We hang up and I head inside, still feeling sick, for the first day of my new job. My first real job. Great way to start things off.
I collapse on the couch when I get home, tired as hell. I didn't have a particularly hard first day at work, and nothing really came up that was stressful, but I'm exhausted. Maybe it has to do with me being sick all this time.
"Honey, how was your day at work?" Brooke asks, doing her best 50s sitcom wife impersonation.
I manage a laugh at her, and shrug. "It was fine. Not bad, not great, just good, fine, okay, whatever."
"Good to fine to okay, all in the space of two seconds? That doesn't sound so….well, good. What's up?"
"Ugh, it wasn't anything with work, it's this flu that I can't shake, and I'm so tired. Nothing is wrong, it's just a lot happening at once, if that makes any sense at all."
"I'm used to you not making sense," she laughs, and I know she's probably not joking. I weakly shove at her to get her away from me.
She moves my feet out of the way and sits down. "How was lab?" I ask, always liking when she has some gory, freak out story about scaring the younger vet students who don't know the ropes yet.
"It was fine," she says, waving a hand dismissively, "But forget about that. You and I are going to the bathroom."
"Tigger, we're at home, that whole pee in pair's thing doesn't really fly here," I tell her tiredly.
"No, no, just come on." She stands up again, and reaches down to pull me to my feet. "I think I know what's wrong with you."
"What?" I ask, confused. I don't have a clue what she's talking about, and I'm way too tired to try and wrap my brain around deciphering it.
We go up to her room, where she hands me a paper sack. "Go on, open the damn thing," she encourages.
I shrug, and pull a box out of the bag. A home pregnancy test. Damn. Damn. I – I don't even know what to think, I can't think right now, this is too overwhelming. In all the time I've been sick, I hadn't even remotely considered this as a possibility, but now that I'm holding this test, it seems so obvious, so logical.
"You really think so?" I ask, still shocked at the idea of this. I just don't know how to react to this news. How would Nathan react? How would Lucas and Karen? What about Deb and Dan? There is so much to consider, and I don't even really know where to begin.
"Okay, first of all, knock it off." I glance up at her questioningly. "Stop analyzing it to death. You don't even know whether you're even pregnant or not, right?" I nod, jerkily. "Okay, so you don't know, and I'm thinking it would make sense not to panic until you know."
I nod again. "Okay, no panic, no obsessing." She turns me around and shoves me out of her room towards the bathroom. I lock myself in and take the test. I clean up, and head back to my room, where Brooke is waiting on the bed. She glances up in silent question as I place the stick on my desk, awaiting the results. "Five more minutes."
She nods. "Damn, the waiting sucks, huh?"
I glare at her. "You think?" I ask sarcastically, stressing out. It's all I can do not engage in any number of nervous habits right now.
"I'm sorry," she says, suppressing a laugh, "Hey, this might not even be the issue, right? It could still be that long-lasting flu bug we've been assuming for awhile now."
I sit down next to her on the bed. "God, Tigger, this – this seems so logical now. It would explain why I've been tired and why I've been sick, especially in the morning. God, and I'd have to tell Nathan – what would I tell Nathan? We just got back together, we aren't ready to be parents together yet," I sigh, beginning to cry. "What if he hates me because of this? I couldn't handle that, Tigger!"
"Shh, shh," she whispers soothingly, wrapping her arms around me, "You don't even know yet. Three minutes still. Don't panic." I nod against her shoulder. "I know it is hard, but you have to think positively for now, and know that no matter what, everything will work out."
I nod, trying to calm myself down. "But you're right, this seems so logical. I started feeling sick a week or so after the draft night, and it's been continual ever since." I jump up and start pacing the room. "Damn it, this is scary, Tigger!" I cry, letting myself drop to the floor.
She moves to the floor beside me. "It's going to be okay, Haley, no matter what that stick says. We're going to figure this thing out, I promise." We sit here in silence until the timer on my watch dings, startling us both out of our thoughts. "Hey, no matter," she says again, "You've got me, Lucas, and Tim. And Karen and Keith would do anything for you, and so would Deb and Dan. You'll be okay."
I nod, and take a deep breath, and move over to where the stick. I realize my hand is over my lower belly, as if I were cradling something inside, and I drop it like I was burned. Gathering my courage, I glance down at the stick: Negative. How could it possibly be negative?
"It's negative," I choke out, surprised. Since Brooke handed me the pregnancy test, I thought this was the only possibility. I move back to sit on the edge of the bed. "It's negative." I'm surprised to hear the tears in my voice.
"Are you okay?" she asks hesitantly, obviously sensing that it wasn't the news I was expecting, and maybe wasn't even the news I wanted.
I nod, trying to convince both of us. "Yeah, I mean, it would've been really hard to go through that right now, and like I said, Nathan and I just barely got back together. Now isn't the right time for a child." Even as I say all of this, I am realizing that I don't really believe it. Maybe it is just easier knowing it isn't happening, but we could've figured something out, it would've been okay.
She's still sitting on the floor, but she moves over so that she can lie against my legs. "I'm sorry," she says quietly, and I wonder how she knew. "It's all over your face," she explains, before I can even ask, "It might've complicated things for you, but I can tell you still kinda wanted it."
"Why?" I ask, serious, "Why would I want a baby now when I have nothing to offer it? It's so stupid. And so out of the blue, too!"
"Haven't you told me that feelings are never stupid?" I shrug. "Hales, it is okay. We both know you love kids, and it is only natural to want one of your own, right?"
I brush a tear off of my cheeks. "Well, I guess its back to being the interminable twenty-four hour flu or something," I sigh.
She stands up and gives me another hug. "Everything is going to be okay, Hales," she promises. I kind of miss her calling me Tutor Girl, in a weird way, all of a sudden.
"Yeah," I nod, standing up, too. I smile tremulously at her. "Okay, I'm going to go fill out my insurance papers for work and stuff." She nods. "Thanks for everything," I tell her, my smile a little more genuine and a little less forced this time.
"You're welcome. Hey, if you need anything, you know where I am. Luke is staying at Karen's tonight, and Tim called, and he's going out 'networking' with some of the people he works with, and if he gets too drunk, he's going to crash in Durham."
"How about I fill out those papers, call and leave Nathan a message, and then I'll meet you downstairs for ice cream and movies?"
She grins. "Sounds terrific."
Thank God for friends like these.
I hate going to see the doctor. Oh, I always have, and probably always will. Especially when you don't know what's wrong, it is just an agonizing trip. Luckily my childhood doctor moved away when he retired a few years ago, so this lady is completely new to me.
"So, Haley, you say you've been experiencing tiredness, occasional vertigo, and you've been throwing up on a regular basis since the end of June, early July?" she asks.
I nod. "That about sums it up."
"Are you sexually active?" she asks, coming to the same conclusion it took Brooke and I a lot longer to come to.
"Yeah, but I've already taken a pregnancy test and it was negative."
She sighs. "Well, too bad, that would've been an easy one to diagnose. But its okay, we'll figure it out. Now," she says, handing me a pee cup, "Why don't you fill this for me, and then we'll proceed with the examination."
I do as I'm told and go off to the bathroom, shutting myself in, enjoying having a few minutes of privacy, even if it is so I can pee in a cup.
I come back out, and a nurse takes the sample. I settle back down on the glorified exam table, and wait for the doctor. She comes back in, smiling in that clueless doctor way when they have no idea how little you really want to be there.
"Okay, so I've ordered a few tests on that so we can officially rule some things out, and since you came in on a day when our lab technician is working, I've put a rush on them, and they should be back within the hour. You've been sick long enough that I'd like to rule these things out now."
I nod, glad for any expediting I'll get on finding out what's wrong with me. "Thank you," I tell her.
"No problem," she smiles. "Okay, the nurse has recorded your vitals, which look good. Your temperature is a little higher than normal, but nothing to freak out about." She does her examination and then turns back to me. "So, I'm thinking you have an intestinal parasite. Not life-threatening, but a pain in the ass nonetheless. If the tests come back as that being the case, we'll get you started on a treatment plan. So, why don't you redress, and I'll be back in when the results come back."
"What if that isn't the case?" I ask, even as I hop down from the counter. "What if it isn't an intestinal parasite, what's the next course of action?"
"Well," she says slowly, "If that's not it, I'd want to do an ultrasound to see if there is some kind of mass that may or may not be cancerous. Look, it could be any number of things, but I'm still leaning towards it being an intestinal parasite that is just really hanging on."
I nod. "Okay, thank you," I smile. She leaves the room, and I get dressed again, sighing. God, intestinal parasites, how gross does that sound? And of course, another option is that it's a tumor? Great, scary possibilities to think of while I wait.
I sit down in one of the chairs provided rather than sit back on the exam table. I've spent enough time up there for the day, thank you very much. I have half a mind to call Nathan or even Brooke, but since I don't know when the doctor will come back in, I don't. I can talk to them once I'm done here.
She comes back in, and I can't read her face. "Well, I'm glad I ordered that UA to be a complete work up," she says, breaking into a smile. I look at her questioningly, not comprehending what she's saying, only that it must not be bad news. "Haley, you're pregnant!"
I stare at her in shock. "What?" I whisper, not knowing what to say, what to do. "But that test I took, it said I wasn't."
She shrugs. "They aren't always 100, unfortunately."
"But it said like 99.9, so that's pretty damn close to 100!" I exclaim, trying to avoid processing this news.
"It does happen, Haley," she asserts, "It could've been a contaminated test, it could've been user error – especially if you were shaky when you were taking it – it could've been any number of things. In any case, you are pregnant, so I'll give you a referral to a very nice OB-GYN that I know."
"Thank you," I manage to stammer out. "Thank you very much." I know that I'd felt a little bereft when I'd found out I wasn't pregnant the first time, but now I don't know what to feel. I guess a part of me is happy – this is Nathan's baby – but I'm scared, too. Everything in my life is so up in the air, and I don't know where this baby is going to fit into things.
She gives me the referral, and I stumble out to my car, unsure what to do, where to go. I have the presence of mind to check my phone, and see that I have five messages from Nathan. He knew I was going to the doctor today, and I'm sure he's worried. I should call him and Brooke and let them know that I am fine, and what's going on, but I'm not ready to talk to them yet.
Instead, I get in the car and drive. I end up in front of the café, and although it was sort of a subconscious thing, I quickly realize this is exactly where I need to be – with my surrogate mom.
"Hi Haley," Karen smiles as I walk through the door. Eric is sitting at the counter coloring, and it reminds me of Luke and I when we were a little older. We spent a lot of time sitting at that counter. "Please don't tell me you missed your second day of work," she says, sounding confused.
I shake my head. "No, I was there this morning. The hours are pretty lenient, and I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon that I had to go to."
She raises her eyebrows at me. "Is everything okay? Just a check-up, I presume." Eric hasn't noticed me yet, he's so engrossed in his coloring, so Karen points me out to him and he runs at me, launching himself to me.
"Hi baby," I grin, kissing his cheek noisily. I set him back down, and he climbs back up on his stool to resume coloring. "Anyways," I say, turning back to Karen, "It was basically a check-up. I've been sick for awhile, some sort of stomach flu, and so everyone was tired of me whining about it, so I saw the doctor."
"I hope it isn't anything serious," she says, twisting the rag in her hands nervously. "I really don't know what I'd do," she sighs, waiting for me to fill her in.
I sit down on the stool next to Eric. "Karen, I'm pregnant," I whisper in a rush, needing to get it out to someone.
"Oh, honey," she sighs, walking around the counter to hug me. It feels so good and comforting to have her arms around me that I can almost make myself believe that things will be okay, no matter how everyone else – Nathan in particular – react to this news.
"I took a home test yesterday," I babble, not ready to talk about how I'm feeling about being pregnant, "Because Brooke thought maybe that was it. And you know, the second she handed me the box, it made so much sense. It really did. I'd been sick since late June, which would put it at the night of the draft, and I've been tired, dizzy, and sick. It just made so much sense that I wondered how I couldn't have thought of it, you know?"
"Oh, honey, so you've known since yesterday and you're just now telling me?" she sighs, concerned.
I shake my head. "The test was negative. The doctor assumes it was either contaminated or I made some kind of error, which is possible, I was pretty out of it and overwhelmed by the whole thing. I might not have been as meticulous as usual."
"How are you doing now? This must've been one hell of a twenty-four hour period for you, I'm guessing."
I nod. "It's been hard. I hadn't thought about being pregnant at all until I looked at the box yesterday, and then while we waited for the results, all I could was freak out about how Nathan would react, and how it was too soon, and how we weren't ready for kids. But it said negative, and I was sad."
"Well, so you're happy about this?"
I shrug. "I don't know, a part of me, yeah. It's Nathan's baby, Karen, and I've always pictured myself with little mini-Nathans." She laughs. "But we just got back together less than a month ago, and we haven't made any plans beyond me flying up to see him when he's on the east coast for a weekend game. Not exactly the hallmark of two people who should be having a child together, right?"
She grins. "Well, sometimes the unplanned ones turn out the best. Look at both Nathan and Luke," she points out, "And somehow, I'm guessing you weren't planned either."
"Definitely not," I agree, laughing.
"Hawey's having a baby?" Eric asks, suddenly interested in me, "But I'm your baby."
"Aw," I smile at Karen as I turn back towards him, "I know you're my baby, baby. You always will be, too." I lift him onto my lap. "But I'm going to have a baby that will live with me. You'll kind of be it's big brother, okay?"
He shrugs, going back to coloring again. Karen looks at me. "How does he know what pregnant means?" she whispers.
"TV," he announces, and Karen rolls her eyes, "Lucas's TV show."
"Uh huh," Karen nods, "And what TV show is this, young man?"
"Um, I don't know. But one man is mawwying his sister who isn't his sister anymore," he says, proud of himself for remembering, "And she's the one having the baby!"
I can't help it – I laugh. "Luke is watching soap operas with him! Brooke and I got hooked on that show a couple of summers ago since it was on during lunch," I explain to Karen.
She glances at Eric. "Well, I think we're going to have to have a little talk with your brother," she sighs. She looks back at me. "Marrying his sister? Really?"
"Well, they aren't actually related," I laugh, "They just grew up thinking that, but they went to different boarding schools, so they didn't really know each other."
"Oh," she says, looking confused, "Okay." It's so nice to have this silly little conversation to distract me from the seriousness of this new situation I'm in. "So," she says, shaking herself away from thoughts of Luke's influence on Eric, "What are you going to do?"
"Keep it, of course," I answer automatically.
She laughs a little. "I knew that, Haley." She hugs me again. "Honestly, there was never any doubt in my mind from the second that you told me. I mean what are you going to do in terms of your life? This is a huge responsibility you'll have now."
I nod, because I really do know that. This is going to change practically every single aspect of my life in ways I can only imagine. Even relationships I have now will change because of this, and I have to find a way to deal with it.
"I know, it's going to be hard," I sigh, "And I don't even know how everyone will react. I mean, how do I tell Nathan? God, Karen, you know, he and I have only been back together for a little less than a month. This is so much, and so soon."
She nods. "Well, you'll figure it out. You'll have to. When are you going to tell everyone?"
"I don't know, obviously I have to tell Nathan first, but I want to do that in person, and I don't know if I'll see him before Thanksgiving. That's a month and a half away. I'd be five months along then, and I can't wait that long to tell him."
"When are you due?" she asks, smiling. I think she's secretly excited about this, but doesn't want to let on because she's not entirely sure how I feel yet.
I shrug, smiling back at her. "I don't know yet. I have to call and set up an appointment with this OB-GYN I was referred to, and I guess I'll find out then. I don't know much about how this works. I only know the before and after."
She laughs. "Well, I think you'll enjoy the during, too."
The café door opens, and Karen and I both smile happily to see that it is just Deb and not a customer.
"Hi Deb," I smile, giving her a hug. Nathan called and told her that he and I were on again, and he said he hadn't heard her that pleased with him in a long time.
She hugs me back, and smiles at Karen. "It's good to see both of you, and you," she says, to Eric, ruffling his hair, "It's good to see you, too, little man."
He turns and smiles at her, and does it: "Haley's having a baby, but I'll still be her baby, too. But this baby will live with her."
My mouth drops open and I feel Deb's gaze swivel to me. I glance at Karen who just shrugs as if to say 'he's four, what can I do?'
"It's true?" Deb asks me, and I reluctantly drag my gaze back to her. "Are you pregnant? With Nathan's baby?"
I nod, kind of disappointed that I haven't told Nathan yet, and knowing I've painted myself into a corner in terms of when I'll need to tell him. "I am, I just found out today."
She has tears in her eyes, and I suspect she's happy with this news. "Does Nathan know yet?" she sniffles out. Karen picks Eric up and takes him in the back since there are no customers here currently. She squeezes Deb's hand as she walks by.
I shake my head. "No, I didn't even know it was a possibility until yesterday, and the test I took said negative. The doctor ran another one today, though, and it was positive."
"I'm going to be a grandmother," she sniffles again, brushing tears off her cheeks. "Oh, my, my son, my baby is going to have a baby himself." She laughs a little at this.
"Is this okay? I mean, you don't completely hate the idea of this?" I ask, a little worried still, even though she seems excited by the possibility. Or certainty, I guess.
"Oh, honey, you know we'll love any grandchild, even if it does seem a little unplanned. It was unplanned, right?"
I laugh. "Oh, yeah." I blush a little over talking about this with my boyfriend's mom, but I've known Deb long enough that it isn't too awkward. "I, um, I don't know for sure yet, but I am assuming I got pregnant the night of the draft."
She blinks in surprise. "Well, so you're almost three months along then." I nod. "Have you been feeling ill lately?"
"All along," I sigh, "And that's why it is so stupid that I didn't even have a clue as to it being this until yesterday when Brooke bought me the test."
"How are you with all of this?" she asks carefully, "This must've been quite a shock, obviously unplanned, right?"
I nod. "Yeah, unplanned, but not unwelcome, I guess. It'll take some getting used to, and I have a lot to figure out, and Nathan will have a lot to figure out, I'm sure, but it will work. It has to," I say simply.
"I know you can both do this. When are you going to tell him?" she asks, and I'm surprised she waited this long to ask that question. I'm sure it's been burning since she first heard the news.
"As soon as possible, but I don't want it to be over the phone. I'm just – I'm going to have to think things through, and maybe – maybe I don't need this job. Maybe I'll need to quit now, and then I can fly to Seattle and tell him in person."
She looks at me intently. "You should think long and hard on that; quitting your job, I mean. You wouldn't want to do something that you'll regret later, or even resent, maybe."
I nod, knowing she's right. "I know, and I'll think about it, very seriously. Now, for now would you keep this quiet? I want to tell Nathan before anyone else finds out, and I think he might like to tell Dan himself."
She nods. "Of course, sweetie. He'll want to tell everyone himself, I'm sure." She gives me another hug. "You know, you will be an excellent mother."
I blush, I know I do. "Thanks, Deb."
"You're welcome, and if you need anything, you should pick up the phone or stop by to see me, I mean it. You're always welcome, and I'll always help you in any way I can."
"Thanks so much," I tell her, reaching out for another hug. I'm feeling surprisingly better after talking to her and Karen, and knowing for sure that I have their unqualified support. It's always good to know you have someone – or two someone's – in your corner.
"You're welcome. Now, do me one favor – tell Nathan soon so I can start shopping for baby items," she smiles, "And do yourself the favor of telling him before Eric tells the whole town. That child is getting very good at repeating what he hears."
I laugh with her. "I will, maybe this weekend I can fly out to wherever he'll be and tell him then. He needs to know now," I agree.
"Okay, well, you look tired, sweetie, so I'm going to stop harassing you. I was just stopping by to show Karen some data I've compiled on opening a second café here in Tree Hill. Amazing that this town has grown enough that it might be warranted to open a second café," she mutters with a shake of her head. "I love you, honey, you take care of yourself and that baby." I smile at her as she walks to the back. Eric comes running out and stands in front me.
"What's up, buttercup?" I ask him.
"I'm sorry, Hawey," he sighs, his eyes downcast, "Mommy says I shouldn't have said what you said cuz it's not nice. So sorry."
I kneel down in front of him. "It's okay, kiddo, I don't mind." I give him a hug and kiss, and move behind the counter to fix him a glass of hot cocoa.
Deb and Karen come out. "You know, Haley," Karen says, "If you decide you want to stay closer to home, you could always manage the new café. Deb and I looked over everything, and we've decided it will be worth the risk to go for it."
I look up, surprised. Don't know why I am, but there it is, I am. "Wow, thanks you two. I'll have to think about that. I really appreciate the offer." I hug them both again. "You know, I'd better get home. I'm tired, and I haven't eaten since breakfast – and I threw that up – but I've got start taking better care of myself."
"Yes, you do," they say in unison, immediately. I smile at their fervor, kiss Eric on the forehead, and wave as I walk out of the café.
I know that I'm going to have to tell Brooke tonight. It's either that or lie to her, and I know I can't do the second. But there is no way she'll let me get away without mentioning what happened at the doctor's office today. I drive home, kind of hoping that neither Tim nor Luke will be there, but knowing both probably will. It would just be easier to do this with neither of them around, like last night.
"Lucy, I'm home!" I jokingly yell as I walk through the front door. My spirits have definitely been buoyed by the encounters with Karen and Deb this afternoon, and knowing what is causing me to be sick is also a weight off of my chest, as well.
Brooke comes running down the stairs. "Hey, saw your car, what happened at the doctor? You're going to be okay, right?" It is only now that I notice the look of fear that is present on her face, and the nervous way she's gnawing on her bottom lip. It's only now that I realize that she has been truly scared and worried for me, and it breaks something in me to know that.
"Oh, Tigger, I'm just fine," I tell her, opening my arms. Things have changed between Brooke and me since she married Lucas. Not in a bad way; they're just different. But I think that's hurt both of us, especially Brooke. "Let's go upstairs," I suggest, "I'll tell you what's going on without the guys around."
"Oh, they went over to Rivercourt to hang out," she says, waving a hand dismissively. A little of the worry has left her face at my proclamation of being fine, but she still looks nervous.
"Well, let's go in the kitchen. I need all the food I can get now that I'm eating for two," I drop casually, and she walks beside me for a few steps before stopping short.
"Shut up!" she exclaims, "You're pregnant! But that test yesterday…"
"I know!" I laugh, "It said I wasn't, but the doctor ordered a complete work up on my urine sample, and apparently they always check for pregnancy in females, even if only so they know when prescribing medication."
"Wow," she sighs, smiling, "I'm so happy for you!" She sits me down. "I'll make us some pasta or something. You can still eat pasta, right?"
I laugh. "Tigger, I think the only thing I can't do is drink alcohol now. I don't think pasta is on some weird off-limits list."
"Okay, good," she grins, "Um, oh, you need to drink milk. Yeah, lots of milk, it's good for you and the baby. Oh, and I can't just feed you pasta, I need to cook some chicken, too, so you get some protein. Oh, and you should be eating fish – I think they have folic acid, which is like really good for babies."
"Brooke, settle down. I think it'll be fine if I just eat some pasta and maybe a little salad tonight. One more night isn't going to make or break things. Tomorrow, I'll get a baby book, and we can look through it and see what I should be eating."
Her face lights up. "That reminds me!" She grabs her school bag, which is sitting on the chair next to mine, and pulls out another brown paper sack.
"I hope that's not another pregnancy test," I joke, "I'm sick of peeing for accuracy, okay?"
She laughs. "No, no, just open it up!" I take the sack, and pull out a copy of "What To Expect When You're Expecting". I glance up at her in surprise and delight. "Well, I got it yesterday when I got the test. I figured if you were pregnant, it would be your first gift. Since you weren't, I was going to take it back. I'm glad I didn't," she laughs.
"Me, too," I agree, wiping my eyes, "This is really sweet, Tigger, I love it. I'm going to put it in my briefcase so that the guys don't see it." She looks at me questioningly. "I can't tell them until I tell Nathan. It's bad enough that I've told Karen and Eric, who in turn told Deb. I'm sure Nathan would've enjoyed telling his mom himself, but Eric is at this age where he's apparently repeating everything people say. By the way, did you know that your husband has started watching our favorite daytime soap?"
She rolls her eyes. "I think he's watched it longer than we have, actually. But don't worry, I won't say anything until you're ready for people to know. When are you going to tell Nathan?"
"Hopefully this weekend. I need to figure out where he's going to be, and meet him there. I have to tell him in person, you know?"
She nods. "Okay, good. Sooner you tell him, the sooner I can start buying baby stuff! Oh, my gosh, Hales, the store where I got this book is amazing. They have the most beautiful things. Oh, are you having a girl or a boy? I kind of hope it's a girl, don't you? I don't know if I can deal with the presence of another Scott male in my life," she laughs, "Oh, and when are you due? Have they done an amniocentesis? Have you heard the heartbeat?"
Her questions are more than a little overwhelming. "I haven't even seen my OB-GYN yet," I tell her, "So I won't know any of those things until I do. Hell, I don't even actually have an OB-GYN yet, just a referral. Deb said the same thing, about telling Nathan so she could shop, I mean."
"Oh, me and her will so have to have a shower for you," Brooke grins, and judging by the glazed over look to her eyes, she's already started planning.
"Well, let's start with dinner tonight. I am actually really hungry for a change, so I might as well take advantage of this whole eating for two thing, right?"
She laughs. "Hell, yeah, and I might even do some sympathy eating for two while we're all at it."
I stand up, walking to the refrigerator. "Well, we have some chicken, some mushrooms, some broccoli, some cream, and some parmesan cheese, so why don't I make chicken fettuccine for us tonight?" I suggest.
"Why don't you show me how so that next time I can be the one to make it," she suggests. Her cooking really is limited to boiling pasta and using the microwave.
"If you want to learn, I'm more than happy to teach you," I smile. The boys come in awhile later, joking around about who had the better game. Brooke and I have gotten dinner almost finished, as just the bread is warming and the noodles are cooking.
"Hey, look at this," Luke grins, "Hales cooked!"
I shake my head. "Brooke did most of it, I just directed traffic. And showed her how to use the knife so she wouldn't slice her finger off," I laugh.
Tim high-fives Brooke and Luke gives her a kiss. "About time you learned to cook," he teases her. "It smells great."
"Well, good, if you're nice, I might give you some," she quips.
"I'm ready to do some serious ass-kissing if necessary," Tim says with a grin, "Because I worked up an appetite out there, and I need some nourishment now."
I shake my head. "You know, this is the first time in about a month that we've all been here together at the same time. How cool is that?"
"It has been a long time," Luke grins, slinging an arm over my shoulder, "Some days I only see you at breakfast as you run through here like a whirlwind."
"Some of us have jobs and lives, hot shot," I tease, poking him in the side. "We know how to take responsibility for ourselves."
"Oh, speaking of responsibility," Brooke chimes in as she drains the pasta, "Guess who got offered the option of buying Doc Smith's vet practice when he retires in the spring?"
"No way! Brooke, congratulations!" I squeal, hugging Luke in excitement, "I'm so proud of you! And you thought he didn't realize how awesome you were those summers you interned for him!"
"I know, I'm excited. He's retiring, so instead of starting my own place, I can buy his and have his customers, instead of having to compete with him and buy brand new equipment. This is awesome. I just have to hit mommy and daddy up for a loan, which should be no problem."
"Good job, bunny," Luke grins, using one of his many, many pet names for her. Tim and I roll our eyes at each other as they kiss, the pasta forgotten in the sink.
"Okay, let's eat!" I cry, as Luke begins to back her up against the cupboard, "You two can have a personal celebration elsewhere, in a room that I'm not in, thanks."
Luke blushes and Brooke grins as they pull apart. Brooke grabs plates down, and we all go to work filling them. True to what I told Brooke earlier, I'm starving, and subsequently eat for two, which earns plenty of teasing from both Luke and Tim. But I'm in a good enough of mood that it just rolls right over me, and I just smile good-naturedly.
It's a good night, and we hang out together for awhile until I beg off, citing tiredness. It's true, I am tired, but my main object is to go up to my room, and find a flight on the internet. Nathan will be in Indianapolis for a game on Saturday, so that's where I'm going to try and meet him.
I purchase the tickets, and then pick up the phone and dial his number. "Hey sexy, I was just thinking of you," he says into the phone.
"And what were you thinking exactly?" I tease.
"How much I was missing you, actually. How are you feeling? Oh, how was the doctor's appointment?" I knew he'd ask, so at least I have an answer planned.
"It was fine, and I'm fine. In fact, I'm so fine, that I get to come see you this weekend in Indianapolis," I grin to myself.
"Wait, hold up. Slow down. You're so fine that you are coming to see me? Why does it seem like there's more to the story?" he wonders.
"Because there is," I admit, "But it isn't anything bad, Nathan, I promise. I just want to see you."
"You sure things are fine?" he asks, sounding concerned still, "Because if you're coming here to tell me face to face that you have some scary, long-named disease, that's not fine. You know that, right?"
"Nathan, I don't have any diseases. I'm fine. I need to see you."
His relief is practically palpable, even through the phone, as he lets out the breath he's been holding in. "Okay, well, I need to see you, too. Always do, you know?"
"Yeah, I know," I smile.
"So, you're really okay?" he asks again, his breathing returning to normal, "Because you know I couldn't stand it if you weren't."
"I'm really okay. Really, really." He laughs. "Mm, I can't wait to see you again. It feels like forever."
"I know," he sighs, "I miss you, too. Only three days, though, assuming you'll be there Saturday?"
"Yeah, I'll get there in the afternoon. I know we won't have a whole lot of time together since you'll be busy with the game, but I wanted to see you."
"I'll take whatever time I can get," he reasons. "Baby, I've got to go, we have a late practice tonight, and the traffic here is so bad it sometimes takes me a half hour to get fifteen blocks. That's like, two miles or so."
"Okay," I laugh, "You have a good practice. Have a good game tomorrow, too. Love you."
"Love you, too."
We hang up, and I'm suddenly excited to tell him. Still terrified, sure, but I'm also excited. Maybe he'll surprise me and be really happy, or maybe he'll be really excited. I don't know exactly what he'll be, but he couldn't be upset, right?