I am many things. I am a demon. I am a monster. I am a traveller of dimensions, a warper of reality who can twist time and space like clay. I am a slayer of souls and bodies alike. To some, I am a nightmare. To others, a nuisance. To one, a friend.
Yes, I know Sensui is doomed. I have known ever since I first looked into the teenage spirit detective's eyes. The boy's demon ancestry is welling ever closer to the surface even as they begin the final fight, the fight that can have no other outcome but death. Sensui may send this boy to the grave, but he will return. I can sense his life force's pulse, and his fate is not to die at my master's hands. One day, Death will at long last sink her fangs into the boy's neck and claim him as her own, never allowing him to return to that particular human body. But not today. If he is killed today, it will not last.
How do I know this, that Sensui will inevitably fall at the hands of the spirit detective Yusuke Urameshi? Simple. The first time I saw the boy's eyes, I knew that a greater destiny was waiting in his background, waiting to reveal itself to him at a later date. He has things to accomplish before he can permanently leave the human world behind. I cannot explain how I know, or why things are as they are. But somehow I know without doubt that in this fight of life and death, in the end, he will emerge the winner. And most likely he will emerge different then he was when the fight began, if his demon blood is as eager to break out as I believe.
I already grieve for Sensui, although he is at this moment very much alive. I know his end will come soon, and I wish it was not so. But it is fate. Fate does not have to make sense. Mortals should not question the Powers That Be, nor should demons. Any being who denies that they will eventually come to their end is nothing short of idiotic. "Forever" is a foolish word, there is no such thing as forever. I know that there are ways to end even an immortal such as Toguro. There are things far worse then death. Many worse things.
As Kurama proved to us just now by imprisoning Toguro to eternal agony within the arms of the Sinning Tree, a fate far worse then death. Death comes on swift and silent wings, and takes her victims painlessly. Agony, however, is a cruel beast, living on the suffering shrieks of torture, drawing out the kill for as long as it can.
Kurama. The fox demon. The legendary Makai thief who has quite possibly killed more beings then even my master. 500 years of ruthlessness is a long time, even for a demon.
But perhaps his 15 years as a human, however small an amount of time compared to his life as a demon, had an impact on his way of thinking. I can sense the guilt that consumes him, and the hatred. The hatred for himself. He detests the fact that he was willing to kill the Game Master, an ignorant pup, even though it was necessary to complete his group's larger task and save many more lives. Even, bizarre as it may sound, he hates himself for taking the measures required to destroy Toguro. He swore that he would never inflict that kind of torture upon a being, however destable they may be. One of his many nicknames as Youko Kurama was, "The Noble Thief", for he was never one to break a deal. And he hates himself even more because the group does not hate him for doing what was necessary. There is no doubt that Kurama is, despite his efforts to keep his composure, using all his willpower to keep from breaking down. Most people, under that sort of guilt weighing like lead weights inside their chest, would not even have lasted this long.
The others? Yes, the others are also anxious. Kuwabara, the soul-sword wielder, is consumed by anger. He detests all 7 of the original party that Sensui put together to help open the portal. He bares his fangs (figuratively, of course, for Kuwabara is not a demon and does not actually have fangs) at me for keeping him from being ready to interrupt the fight if his best friend's life comes into danger. The fact that one of these 7 is standing behind him, vulnerable, right now is not helping matters in the least. If Kurama was not there to intervene, I suspect he would be snarrling at Mitari, instead of at Sensui, to vent his anger. Now that the Seaman has served his purpose and guided their group to Sensui's lair, I doubt that Hiei would restrain him. Without the fox's unexpected protection, I imagine that either Hiei or Kuwabara would have lit into Mitari either verbally or physically a long time ago. Only Kurama's silent authority over the group prevents this. Mitari knows of this and of Kuwabara and Hiei's dislike for him, and wisely keeps his mouth shut.
Mitari. I knew the water adept would betray us. He was never sure of our intentions, never completely committed to Sensui or to opening the portal from the Demon World to the Human World. His heart was only half-way in this, and half of nothing is still nothing. I warned Sensui not to put much faith in the Seaman. Thankfully, Sensui listened, and so Mitari did not learn many of the plan's secrets, nor my master's true intents.
Hiei is questioning. He wonders whether Yusuke's true demon nature will emerge during the fight, and whether it will be enough to defeat my master. He wonders if Kurama will be able to overcome his guilt. He is even torn over being here in the first place. The darkness within him longs to return to the world of shadows and blood. Although such a concept seems terrible to humans, home is home. Where you grow up, no matter how horrible it may seem, is still a large part of who you are. Though Hiei's body may, for now, be confined to the Ningen world, his heart lies in the Makai.
I explain to them my reasons for following Sensui. How I met him, and how I come to be here. I am not embarassed. He is my alpha, my leader. I would follow him into a black hole, if he wished it. I cannot explain why I feel so strongly for him, human language is inadequate for that. Perhaps for some things, there are no words, only emotion. But ever since I first heard of him, back in his days of being one of the greatest spirit detectives that ever lived, I felt a strong connection to Sensui, the stranger I had never met and somehow already knew well.
I know he is wrong. I know that the portal is immoral, that revenge on humanity is not the way to satisfy himself. I know that by helping his quest, I am contributing to the unavoidable death of the universe that will one day come. I know that by serving Sensui, I will die.
I don't care. I am willing to risk all of that, just to accompany this man. As long as I can be beside him, be in his prescence, I care about nothing else. My love for him is that great. Sometimes I wonder whether what I feel is love, or something else entirely. But it doesn't really matter. Love is only one word for it, nothing more then a term for an emotion so powerful it can cause both the destruction and the healing of worlds. Many humans ask what the meaning of life is, when it lays there under their noses, throbbing in the very air they breathe: Love. Pure, unselfish love. Love is all there is.
His eyes were so cold, so merciless, on that fateful day when he almost took my life. They still are that way, to an average demon or human. But I am not average. I see more.
I don't know why he continues to take pity on me. Perhaps because I am one of the few who sees his human side. His doubts, his fears, his regrets. Perhaps because I am a demon, yet I do not think him weak for having these more human thoughts lurking in his soul. For Sensui IS human, deep within. He has a right to be that way, to exist as Nature meant.
When he finally caught up with me, back in the days when I was just your average Youko causing trouble in the human world, he began with the firm intention to destroy me. No, not destroy. That's a coward's word. He began the chase with the intent to kill me. Sensui had me on my back in that clearing in the middle of a Makai forest, my belly and throat exposed in the classic symbol of defeat. I was injured, too badly to defend myself. A large bone in my left leg was shattered. It would heal, with time and the demon's natural quick-healing rate, but in the meantime, I could not bear to attempt to continue even on all fours. The pain was too great, and it would have been hopeless. I had few doubts that Sensui would kill me. But somehow, it had been worth it just to die at his command.
And yet...and yet he hesitated. I gave him a stupid, but true reason to allow me to live. It was so utterly ridiculous that it was enough to save me. He laughed, and walked away. And miraculously, I lived.
I know not the reason for my obsession with him. Truthfully, it made no sense then, and still makes no sense now. Somehow, I needed to serve him. I needed it more then I need oxygen to breathe. I long for his touch and his prescence more then Hiei longs for his freedom right now. And I know that, without any reason why, I will follow him to my destruction. And I will be content, knowing that I was near him, knowing I made a difference. Every life has a purpose, and I live to be his beta.
It is enough.
Why do I tell them my history? For one reason, to stall for time. I know that Kuwabara, thick as he may be, will eventually figure out that he can use his spirit sword to slice his way out of this dimension just as easily as Sensui meant for him to slice through the barrier that holds back the A and S class demons. I need to buy Sensui all the time that I can.
But for one of them, my story is more then just my history. It is, in a sense, their own story. The story of fear, and questions, and learning to trust again. And love.
He begs me to see reason, to see that what I am doing is wrong. He does not understand that I know what we are doing is wrong, but my faith in Sensui is greater then reason. His tone of voice gives away his worry, and Hiei and Mitari both give him strange looks (Kuwabara is either not paying attention or too angry at me to realize the shift in his tone). But I do not need to hear the anxiety in his voice to see it. The worry for the spirit detective paints his aura with streaks of violet like marker bleeding through the back of a piece of paper.
Kurama. The one with the strange eyes.
As their group watches, through the small window to Sensui's lair that I create, the fight that is beginning to take place between my master and the spirit detective, I listen to Kurama's mind. Like dandelion flowers on the winds, pieces of his history slowly come floating to me. A flash of having four silver paws and a long muzzle full of sharp teeth, and running through the Makai forests with a golden amulet in his jaws, dew from ferns coating his thick silver pelt and smells of fresh soil rising from the ground as the full moon shone through the treetops. A flash of a human female's face, shining with warmth and mothering love. A flash of-
Ah, here it is. A flash of a moonlit rooftop. The building beneath reaked of sickness, and of the stale cleanly smell of human medicine. A hospital. Lunar rays spilled across the two humans that stood on the rooftop. One was Kurama. A mirror glinted in his hand. I could sense the power radiating from it, bursting with the urge to be released. Ah, yes, the Forlorn Hope, a legendary artifact. I had read about it, but never actually sensed the power it held until today. The other person was Yusuke, the spirit detective. Through Kurama's senses, I learn that neither was anywhere near as strong in power level as they were today.
Kurama was resigned, but determined to accomplish something. Instantly, I saw his plight. His human mother dying, and the only cure would take his life in her place. But he knew it had to be done.
As he turned the mirror's face upwards to catch the silver moonlight, Yusuke barked at him furiously to stop. The spirit detective told Kurama of how his mother would spend her life grieving for her son, that it wasn't worth it. But to Kurama, it was. With sorrow, he began to speak his wish to the listening silence of the Forlorn Hope...
And was followed by a fierce, desperate offering from Yusuke. The spirit detective offered his own life force in place of Kurama's. Through the memory, I felt Kurama's shock that a human would give his life for a complete stranger, much less a stranger who was supposed to be the human's enemy. I feel the mirror's indecison, and I know that the mirror spared them both. I pull away from the memory and risk a glance toward's Kurama's emerald eyes. They are fixed on the window between the worlds that I have opened, horror reflecting in their surfaces. I analyze the situation quickly, and realize he is distracted. Now is the time to learn his true feelings.
I dive into his subconscious. Instantly I am filled with the emotions that wrack the fox demon. The ever-present guilt, of course. The worry for his leader and for the world he has adopted as his new home. And...and...yes. The emotion that connects me to Sensui. The mix of admiration, and affection, and wonder, and pure joy that is love. Like I with Sensui, there is nothing that makes Kurama happier then just hearing Yusuke speak, to be near him. The fear that Yusuke will someday not make it through a mission, and yet the pride and fondness of him because he is willing to risk that.
Once again, I peer into his memories, focusing on that emotion. Several major images come to me. A memory of the pure wonder and curiosity that caused Kurama to want to know more about the spirit detective who had saved the life of a demon who had done nothing to deserve it. A brief flash of the white-hot anger he felt when the tip of a demon-form Hiei's sword had been resting at a bound Yusuke's throat. The gentle, tail-wagging joy of just walking beside the detective. And lastly, a memory of being exhausted and helpless at a foe's mercy after a fight with the foe's teammate, and then the fear replaced by warmth. A pair of warm arms lifting him and carrying him away from the arena...
My probing of his mind is interrupted, as Kurama swings his head sharply and glares at me. I'd gone too deep into his thoughts, and he had sensed my prescence. I pull away. I have learned what I needed to know. His gaze remains on me, a silent warning that probing his thoughts again would result in fatal pain on my behalf. I am not unnerved. I wait patiently, and eventually the fox demon turns back to the fight between his friend and my master.
Absent-mindedly, my thoughts wander for no apparent reason back to a memory of my own. It had been from back in Sensui's spirit detective days. I had been accompanying him on the missions, a punishment assigned by Koenma (much as he had assigned Kurama and Hiei to Yusuke's case at Maze Castle) and one I did not mind in the least. Though Koenma would never admit it, he knew I had far better sense then headstrong Sensui, and I also had the ability to open small portals between the Reikai, Ningen, and Makai worlds, which was extremely convient for transport. I believe Sensui enjoyed my company on the missions. Cold as he may seem, he is still of human origin, and humans are, by nature, herd animals and prefer being in a group. There is strength in numbers.
It had been the mission before our last, a simple matter of retrieving a small wristwrap that, despite its benign appearance, enabled the wearer to warp time both forwards and backwards as they chose. Once I transported us to Demon World, Sensui had retrieved the artifact without difficulty. The demon who was using it in an attempt to change Makai history, needless to say, did not live to see the next sunrise. After my leader had the wristwrap in his hand, I opened a small temporary tear between the dimensions to allow us quick transport back to Koenma's office. But once we were beside the office door once more, to my surprise, he turned and began striding in the opposite direction. Towards a portal to the human world that Koenma kept open for general purposes.
"Sensui?" I said questioningly. "Shouldn't we deliver the artifact to Koenma first?"
His indigo eyes were narrowed, gazing into the portal's depths. "No," murmured the teenage spirit detective, staring into the distance. "There's...something. I can't explain it. But something's wrong."
"Where?"
"Back on Earth. There's some kind of demon energy. And there's pain..." Sensui hesitated for a moment more, and then stepped into the portal, vanishing from normal sight. I sensed his aura moving away.
I yelped, "Sensui, wait!" I looked over my shoulder at Koenma's office, where I knew I should go. Then I brushed my bangs out of my eyes and followed Sensui.
He was moving quickly through a deserted alley, somewhere in the outskirts of a small city. The concrete walls surrounded the alley were beginning to wear away at the edges. I could sense that this alley had not been touched by ordinary humans for quite some time. Even the rats had deserted this barren area long ago. I appeared beside him, levitating to keep pace with the spirit detective.
Ahead of us, I could now sense what Sensui had felt from Spirit World. Somewhere before us was a building that reaked of agony, fury, sorrow, coldness. And blood. Warm, sticky blood that life drained from as I discovered it.
Both human and demon blood.
I didn't know what this place was, or how it would change both Sensui's and my lives forever. All I knew was that it smelled of darkness and torture, and that we definetely shouldn't go there. I begged Sensui to reconsider. "Sensui, we have to go back! We can't go there. Please, let's go back. We can come here tomorrow, but not today." I regarded my leader with both fear and pleading, unsure whether he would listen to me or simply swat me aside.
For a moment, I feared it would be the latter. His cold eyes rested on me as he listened to the dark source that lay ahead of us. They did not lose their stony quality. He straightened...
And lowered his gaze. "Fine. Not now," His eyes met mine with an overpowering gaze. "But soon, Itsuki." I readily agreed, willing to use any means to keep him from going to...that place. I took us back to Koenma's office, and we delivered the time-warping wristwrap without much more event. As Sensui and I began to leave for his world, Koenma's voice interjected from behind me. "Itsuki."
I turned slowly in mid-air, my feet still not resting on the floor. "Yes, Koenma?" Sensui had already stepped through the door.
Koenma continued evenly, elbows resting on his desk. "Botan informs me that you and Sensui took a little detour to the human world before entering my office. Stray demon caught your senses?" I remained silent. "Thought I told you not to take the boss on any sidetracks anymore. Not after the whole Alternate Universe incident."
I gave the young spirit world prince the honest answer. "He went. I had to follow." Koenma considered, then nodded. I left. That was the end of the memory.
Musing, I turn back to the window I have opened between the odd dimension we float in now and the cavern where the portal forms even as I speak. Kuwabara is still barking angrily at my master. Hiei watches with mild curiosity, the least worried of the group. Mitari is wringing his hands nervously, not wanting to watch the fight that could decide the fates of both human and demonkind and yet unable to turn away. Kurama watches with dread, as well as keeping one ear trained on myself and the rest of the group, wary of all possible danger. Benignly, I wonder briefly why that memory, of all others, came to mind. It has little to do with my plight, or even Kurama's. And yet...somehow, it does.
I once saw a particular quote in a human book. I forget who the author was, or even what the name of the book was. But I do remember the quote, word for word. It was, "To be your friend was all I ever wanted; to be your lover was all I ever dreamed." I can feel, in particular, Hiei's disgust towards me, that I would throw everything else away just for a devotion to one person.
Just for a wistful dream, a hope. Such a fragile emotion, hope. So easily crushed by cruel reality. Delicate and teetering as a butterfly with an injured wing, trying so hard to get off the ground into the air, but having such difficulty in suceeding. When hope is crushed, it is a staggering blow. You think that if you had just cheered a little harder, hoped a little more, that your wish might have come true. But it doesn't, and that hurts. It hurts far more then you like to admit.
I gave my life to a dream. I wished for nothing more then to be Sensui's companion, to feel his prescence. Yet in a sense, I became so much more then that. I learned his fears, his different qualities, everything that made him the bizarre, noble person he is and was. I could honestly tell you as much about him as I could about myself. I don't know what I did to earn this trust, or why my devotion is so great. But I believe that Kurama and Yusuke will, if they allow themselves to loose their emotions, develop a bond that is much the same and yet completely different.
I am going to die. That is all right. I spent only a small portion of my long life following Sensui, and because of my devotion to this man, I am doomed. Was it worth it? Yes. Oh yes. A thousand times, yes. I have loved, and I have been given love. I made a difference in one person's world, and that one person was the world to me.
It's all been good, in its own way.
My name is Itsuki. And I have no regrets.
Author's Note: Well...I liked it. This is the first YYH fic I'm posting. It's a one-shot due to the fact that I have a bad habit of never finishing anything, meaning that I abandon multi-chapter fics in the middle of their plot. In case you're wondering, this whole thing takes place in episode 85, when the other 4 are transported by Itsuki to the alternate dimension so they can't interrupt thefight. As soon as I saw the Spirit Detective Showdown, I adored Itsuki and had to write something about the Sensui/Itsuki pairing. (sidenote: I can't believe they kept it in the dub! We need to give the dubbers a little more credit.) And, of course, I've been in love with the Kurama/Yusuke pairing ever since I started watching YYH. No idea why, but I tend to see Yusuke/Kurama signs everywhere I look. Yeah, I know I'm weird. I know, I kinda rabbited on and on just like I am in the Author's Note, but I just tend to ramble a lot. I'll shut up now. Please review!