Disclaimer: Don't own Gilmore Girls, never have, never will…
AN: Finally… sorry it took so long… I'll try and update faster next time… enjoy…
She walked home alone that night. Thoughts of Jess burned into her mind. Thoughts of when they were young and playful, to thoughts of tonight, at her graduation. All she ever wanted was for him to love her, and now that he did, she wasn't sure it's what she wanted anymore. Of course she loved him, of course she would be with him in a heartbeat, but now it felt that all the reasons were wrong. It was under the wrong circumstances, and she didn't want to be in a relationship that felt forced.
As she passed by Jess's house she noticed the lights were still on. She stopped in front of it, debating whether or not to go to the door and knock, but as she stood there, debating in her mind, her feet carried her to that familiar place. A place that she had stood millions of times before, but they never felt this awkward. She was standing on a welcome mat; one that Reagan had bought Jess for Father's Day. It had a baseball and a mitt on it, and in blue writing it said 'Welcome to the home of the World's BEST Dad'. Rory remembered when Reagan gave it to him, she had to contain her laughter, not only was Jess not a baseball fan, never once had he enjoyed the game, but he wasn't the welcome mat kind of guy either.
As Rory remembered all this her hand had reached up and lightly knocked on the door. She could see movement through the blurred glass, and then she saw him, making his way from the kitchen to the door, all she wanted to do was turn around and run home, but before she knew it the door was open, and Jess was standing there, staring at her, waiting for anything.
Rory stared back at him; she knew this was a mistake, why did she come here? She should have gone straight home and packed, but no, she just couldn't pass Jess's house without stopping by. She wanted to yell at him, to hit him, to tell him she hated him, just to make it easier on herself, because now that he was standing there, she wasn't sure she could walk away again. And then, as if she some force shoved her, as if she wasn't really in her own body; she stepped forward and threw her arms around him.
Jess tensed up when he felt her touch, he didn't respond at first. Her arms were tightly wrapped around his body, and his fell limp at his side. He could feel her body shaking, she was crying.
He felt her move, her head turned and she whispered into his ear, "I love you."
Jess now moved his arms, he slowly wrapped them around her as well, holding her as tight as he could, he didn't want this moment to end… he wanted her to stay in his arms forever.
"I tried hating you, I tried so hard, but I couldn't." she continued to whisper.
"It's okay Rory" he held her tighter. He was hoping that this was final; he was hoping that this was the perfect ending, but he knew it wasn't. It could never be this perfect, it couldn't be because that's what he wanted, and he never got what he wanted.
"I'm sorry Jess, for everything… for whatever hurt I ever caused you, and for what I'm about to do." She pulled away from Jess, and gave him one last look before breaking away.
"Rory… don't… please." He shook his head as he felt her slowly slipping away from him.
"I'm sorry Jess." She was backing up towards the steps.
"Did you do this just to spite me? To make it hurt more then it already does?" he lashed out.
"I did this so you would know the truth." And with that she turned away and headed home.
She entered the house and saw her mother on the couch; she gave her a weak smile and then went straight to her room without saying a word. Her room where she grew up, where memories of the good times were forever buried in the walls and pictures surrounded her, forcing her to remember it all.
She took a seat on her bed, and not until she lay down did she realize she was saving Jess's half of the bed. She laughed when she realized what she did. It was like she was ten again and she was waiting for him to crawl through her window and they'd read together. She turned on her side and placed her hand on the cold empty half next to her. She felt so alone, so empty, after tonight he had to hate her, he just had too… she closed her eyes and remembered when…
She was sitting on her side of the bed… waiting. She knew that he was grounded, but she also knew that he would be there any minute, tapping at her window, smirking his famous smirk. She glanced at the window, but no one was there, so she turned to the wall, it was her 'Rory and Jess' wall, she had a built a collage with pictures of the two of them, out of everything in her room, it was her favorite. Out of everything she ever made, it was the one thing she knew she could never part with. She then pulled her attention away from the wall, and reached over and grabbed her book that was saving Jess's side of the bed. She held it in her hands and stared at the cover for awhile, she dared to open the book, but she couldn't, not without Jess, it was their book. Then there was a tap, her head automatically turned towards the window, but when she saw that no one was there, she realized it had come from the door.
"Ror? You getting ready for bed?" Her mom called through the door.
"Yeah" she responded almost silently.
"I don't want you staying up too late, we have a big day tomorrow and I don't want to have to spend it with Rory the grump."
She could imagine her mom on the other side of the door, a huge smile on her face, excited about tomorrow, just the two of them, but all she could think about was where in the hell was Jess? "Okay mom, I promise I'll get to bed soon" She called back through the door.
"That's all I ask" her mother responded.
Rory heard her mom walk away and then there was that tap again, but this time on the window, it was the one that she had been waiting for.
"It's open" she whispered as loud as she could.
Jess crawled through the window, blowing into his hands trying to keep warm, "It's freezing out there." He pulled his jacket tight around him and hugged himself, "Does your mom know I'm here?" he sat down on the bed and pulled his shoes off his feet with all his might.
"Yeah right" Rory laughed, "She thinks I'm getting ready for bed. If she knew you were here, well… I can only imagine."
Jess threw his shoes across the room and then stood up and walked over to the wall, his hands in his jacket pockets. "Right…" he mumbled. He slowly looked at each and every picture of the two of them, smiling at certain ones, remembering when the picture had been taken. He turned around and removed one hand from his pocket, he pointed at the wall behind him with his thumb, "You finished" he smiled at Rory who was picking up his shoes and placing them nicely under the window.
"Yeah" she smiled, she walked over to him and they looked at it together, "you like?" She turned her head to look at Jess.
"I like" he agreed, and smiled at her.
"So…you bring the food?" she asked.
"Nah… I tried, but I didn't want to risk Luke catching me, I'm grounded remember. It was either show up with no food, or don't show up at all… But that's what's so great about your room," he pointed at the door, "You open the door and Wallah! Food!" he smiled.
"Well then, I guess I have to go in." She walked towards the door as he threw himself on the bed with a thump.
"I'll be right here if you need me." He crossed his legs and placed his arms behind his head, leaning into the pillow behind him.
She walked out the door slowly closing it behind her. She looked around the kitchen and didn't see her mom anywhere, she started to stock up, she grabbed pop tarts, and Twinkies and the Girl Scout cookies they had bought last week, she grabbed the pretzels and the chips, and all the candy that was left in the cookie jar. Just as she was headed back into her room she heard it.
"Rory?"
"Hi mom." She froze.
"What are you doing with all that food?"
"I'm packing… for tomorrow… it's going to be a long day and I don't want to starve. So stock up now and that gives me ten extra minutes of sleep."
"That's my girl… always thinking ahead" Lorelai played along. She knew that a certain boy was hiding out in her room, but she found it cute, her story that is. "Now scoot. Get to bed." She smiled and patted Rory on the back.
"I'm on it." Rory waited for her mom to leave the kitchen before she entered her room to see Jess sitting on the bed, eyes wide open.
She let out a deep sigh, "That was close."
"I'd say so." He patted his hand down on her side of the bed. "Now… you ready to get down you funky party weasel?"
"Funky party weasel?" Rory questioned.
"Just take it for what it is and go with the flow" he smiled as he grabbed a cookie out of the box and shoved it in his mouth.
Rory grabbed a Twinkie and Jess laughed at her as she inhaled it.
"Ever heard of the word CHEW?" he wiped some crème off her face.
"No time." She shook her head, "Now where did I put that book?"
"This one?" Jess pulled a book out from behind him.
"Yes" Rory held out her hand to take it from him but he pulled away… "Jess…" she whined.
"Yes?"
"Give me the book."
He shook his head.
"Please?"
"Nope."
"Why not?"
He held a tight grip on the book. "Cause I said so." A knock on the door interrupted him.
"Shhhh" Rory gave Jess a death stare, and frantically they started to clean up all the food off the bed, they laughed as quietly as possible as they scurried around, throwing food onto the floor and stuffing the half eaten stuff in their mouths. Then the door began to open, they both froze, neither was sure what to do, Jess started moving faster, and Rory did the first thing she could think of. She reached out her arm and with all her might she pushed Jess off the bed as fast as she could. It caught him so off guard that he grabbed the blanket to try and save himself, and he took all the rest of the food down with him.
Rory tried to contain her laughter. Jess had really gone down with a thud, and it looked like it hurt. She loved to laugh at his pain; he deserved it most of the time.
The door opened right as Rory got under the covers and opened the book to make it look like she had been reading, "Ror, lights out okay?"
"Yeah okay mom." She closed the book and set it on the pillow next to her.
Lorelai waited for her to crawl under the covers and then kissed her forehead before turning off the light, exiting the room and closing the door behind her.
Rory waited all but three seconds before she burst into a fit of laughter and leaned over to face Jess on the floor.
He was lying there, with the most serious look on his face; he opened his eyes and looked up at her, "Not funny." He stood up and made his way onto the bed.
Rory grabbed her flashlight from her bedside table and turned it on. She couldn't stop laughing, she kept seeing Jess's face as he fell off the bed, and she wished she had a video camera to have caught that moment on tape forever. Together they got under the sheet, and with the food they began to read together. Their heads shared one pillow, one of them held the flashlight while the other read, then they'd switch.
Rory was mid sentence when Jess interrupted her. "Ror… where are the drinks?" He asked while digging through the goods.
"Drinks?" she looked away from Jess.
"Don't tell me you forgot the drinks?"
"I didn't forget the drinks." She lied.
"Then where are they?"
Rory pointed to the door, "Out there." She smiled.
Jess sighed and put his head in his hands, "What am I going to do with you?" he pushed her.
"You get to go out there this time."
"But what if she's out there?"
"She wont be, she put me to bed, that means she was going to bed herself."
He crawled out from under their tent they had made and quietly made his way to the door. "You better be right…" He slowly opened it, hoping that her mother had gone to bed. He poked his head out the door and when he saw no sign of her he stepped out into the kitchen, leaving the door open just a crack.
"Jess..." Lorelai smiled.
"Lorelai…" he froze in place.
"Does Luke know your here?"
"No…but when has he ever cared before?"
"Well before you were never grounded."
Jess tried to play it off, "Well he grounded me for unfair reasons."
She smiled, "I'm sure he did. What are you guys doing in there? Having a party without me?" She looked through the crack in the door and saw Rory's shadow under the sheet, sitting in the bed, bopping her feet and nodding her head as she hummed a song to herself and popped another cookie in her mouth.
"You want to join?" his face lit up.
She smiled at how excited he looked and shook her head, "Nah, you two have fun." She messed up his hair.
"Are you gonna tell Luke?" he leaned forward on a chair.
She winked at him, "Your secret is safe with me" she opened the fridge and tossed him two Capri suns, "We bought those just for you."
"Thanks" he smiled and walked over to give her a hug, "Night mom" he mumbled real fast before he ran back into Rory's room.
"What took you so long?" Rory asked poking her head from the covers.
"She knows."
"Are we in trouble?"
"Nah" Jess shook his head, "We're cool." He smiled and then crawled back under the sheet with Rory.
Rory opened her eyes and looked over at the wall. The collage was still there, some pictures were faded and some looked new, some of them the corners were bent and others were glued down flat. She glanced at it and felt a smile pull at her face. There was a knock on the door and it then slowly opened.
"Hey there, can I come in?" her mom walked slowly into her room.
Rory didn't speak she just nodded her head and smiled.
"Are you going to be okay?" Lorelai sat down next to her on the bed.
Rory shook her head, "I don't know" she whispered, "I went over there tonight, I made him think that possibly I was staying, he was so mad, he has to hate me."
"He doesn't hate you, he would never hate you, and he couldn't hate you even if he tried. He knows that you love him; he knows that you never meant to hurt him, and he knows all that you have given up for him. He loves you Rory, he loves you with all his heart, and anything you ever do will never make him feel otherwise."
Rory looked at her mom, tears in her eyes, "I love him… so much." She shook her head. "I love him, and he loves me so why can't things just be normal? Why can't we be happy… together? Why do I have to make things so difficult? Here I am crying, crying over something that I caused, feeling sorry for myself. If I wanted to I could go over there right now, run into his arms and be with him, but I'm too stubborn, and I have a plane to catch in the morning. Why am I like this?" She looked into her mom's eyes, searching for answers.
"I don't know" Lorelai wrapped her arms around Rory and let her cry into her, "Maybe he's hurt you one too many times." She hated seeing her daughter like this, especially on their last night together. She couldn't believe that Rory was finally leaving. That she was moving to the opposite side of the country. But she just wanted her to be happy, and right now, getting as far away from Stars Hallow seemed like the best thing to do.
Rory fell asleep on her mom that night; she woke up early the next morning and went to the airport alone. She stood at the terminal, waiting for them to call her so she could board the plane.
She stood by the window. Here she was alone at the airport, her choice, yet she couldn't help but feel like no one cared. She was making either the mistake of her life or taking the first step into the best thing to ever happen to her, and she was doing it all alone. Her whole life was in Stars Hallow. Her family, her friends, everyone that meant something to her and yet not one of them was here. No one came to wish her luck, to see her off on the biggest journey of her life, but she had no one to blame but herself. She didn't tell anyone she was leaving this early. Not even Lorelai.
They called her ticket number and she boarded the plane. She found her seat next to the window like she had requested, and immediately sat down and closed her eyes. She didn't want to think of this as the end, but only the beginning. By this time tonight she would be in Los Angeles, in a new state, in a new city, in an apartment all her own. She couldn't help but think that it was the right move. That there was something out there, waiting for her, someone, someone waiting to fall in love with her, someone not Jess, someone who wouldn't know Jess, who wouldn't know that name, who wouldn't know his face, someone who wouldn't know what she left behind. She closed her eyes and waited for take-off. That life was waiting for her, and she was coming as fast as she could…
Back in Stars Hallow that same morning Jess awoke with a feeling in his gut. Was he really going to let her go? Was he really going to let her walk out of his life once and for all? He shot out of bed, and checked on Reagan, she was still asleep, and if calculating correctly she wouldn't wake up for another 22 minutes and 30 seconds.
He slipped on a pair of jeans, grabbed a dirty shirt up off his floor, and slowly ran out the door. He wasn't sure what he was going to say to her, but this wasn't going to be the end. He ran as fast as he could to her house, he jumped off curbs and over bushes; he dodged the early morning people and burst through her front door approximately 2 minutes and 28 seconds after leaving his house.
Lorelai was in the kitchen when she heard the front door slam open.
"RORY!" Jess yelled as he entered.
"She's not here." Lorelai looked up from her coffee.
"Not here, as in you mean she ran to the store to get some last minute things before she moves as far away from me as possible not here?" he was out of breath, and breathing heavily.
"No…" she shook her head, "I mean not here as in she's gone. As in she's probably half way across the country by now."
Jess couldn't believe it. He ran his fingers through his hair and took a seat next to Lorelai at the table. He leaned back and pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers, trying to hold back the tears. He covered his eyes with his hands, and shook his head.
Lorelai moved closer to him and put her arm around him. She didn't know what else to do. They sat there in silence for awhile, while Jess cried into his hands. She rubbed his back, "I'm sorry."
Jess looked up at her, his eyes were red, "I know." He nodded.
"Listen Jess, this was just as hard on her as it is for you, but I'll let her know you tried. That has to mean something right?"
"Actually, could you maybe not tell her about this?"
"If that's what you want" she nodded her head.
"Thanks… I better get going; I left Reagan home alone, and if she wakes up and I'm not there, she's going to freak." He stood up and made his way to the door.
"Jess?" Lorelai called after him. He turned his attention away from the door and back to her, "Wait a second will you?" Lorelai walked into Rory's room and back out holding something Jess hadn't seen in years. "She wanted you to have this." Lorelai handed Jess the collage of the two of them.
"Are you sure? This is her 'Rory and Jess' wall." He took it in his hands and looked at each picture carefully, he smiled at the memories and turned it over, and on the back written in her handwriting was a note.
"Jess, Remember the good times… I love you… Rory"
He looked back up at Lorelai "Thank you" he smiled.
"Don't be a stranger okay?" she leaned in and hugged him, "It's going to be all right." She pulled away and brushed his hair off his forehead.
"I hope so." He turned and walked out the door.