08-27-97

Neo might have been a hacker, but he was still only human. Hackers did not have a community as such, not his kind of hacker. Hacker circles only went so far, and the truth required sacrifice. Friends, real or digital, usually fell victim to the pursuit. He didn't miss those, not really.

No man could be an island forever, though. While search routines ran on his computer, he stared guiltily at the questions and responses posted to a chatroom in which he currently lurked. True to form, he never 'spoke' a word. Communication was exhausting. It was easier to watch and wonder about people, about who they became when no one could see them. Some pretended at confidence, others experience, still others naivete. All of them would inevitably switch off the computer and return to lives that were very much different from what they presented online.

What must that be like? To be able to be two different people? In some way, they understood or just understood better than he did. He didn't 'switch off'; his computer lulled him to sleep and woke him in the morning, his only constant friend. Some part of him wanted to talk, to posit a question equally inane to the one ruling this chat at the moment-would Tarantino's new film be as good as Pulp Fiction, and did anyone care?-and see what happened. Wanted to interact with these people, some of whom, like him, had trouble interacting outside the safety of no-space.

But he'd tried that. Tried it with people who didn't know their left mouse button from their right, tried it with people who did, learned from people who knew more than him, enjoyed that, and then...what? Then stopped trying is what. Somehow, he got it. When there was no more to 'get' out of a conversation, no new codes to learn, use, or break, no news you couldn't get on your own faster or first, no experience you envied or fancied, what was the point of talking? Just to hear his echo in the hollow world?

So, it had come to this. Back among the rubes because no one else was talking any sense among the elite. People who formed friendships with criminals inevitably were dragged down by them; he didn't care if those he knew ended up in the mire, but he would die before he'd go down for anyone else. Not me. Plus, those guys were talking crazy. Literally. They kept going on and on about philosophies of existence. And, in the past few years, not too few of them had taken to suddenly un-existing. All of them making perfect sense, which was why he'd pulled the plug. When the insane start making sense, you've gone too far.

Fear. Yes, Neo'd been afraid. Years and years ago, on holiday in New Zealand, he'd stepped out onto a bungy platform and chickened out. That was one step you couldn't step back from, and every instinct in his body screamed not to take that step-don't go forward if you're not sure, buddy, 'cause you can't go back. Minus the hundred-plus feet of falling, he'd been in the same position a few months ago, and he'd stepped back. Paranoia invaded his life to an unhealthy degree as was-he couldn't shake the feeling someone was always looking over his shoulder. He wanted no part of making it worse.

And yet...and yet, here he was, at the proverbial beginning. Itching to learn again, to test his boundaries among the mundies and then go for a swim with the higher predators. To risk being shark bait in order to advance to being the rogue white pointer in a sea full of tiny guppies. But to chance being hooked? Too many of the former legends in this suicide sport disappeared all together, had vanished, especially since he'd gotten out of the game. Were they somewhere on the ends of fishermen's lines-in government lockup, or, worse, working for the enemy now?


[TheRedQueen has entered the room]
[Jai] Hey TRQ
[TheRedQueen] Hey Jai
[Jai] Long time, babe. How's the family?
[TheRedQueen] Fine, yours?
[Jai] Been complaining about the little woman. Suspect she thinks I'm talking to girls.
[TheRedQueen] You could be. What if I were a girl?
[Jai] lol, not like you, TRQ, like cheating on her with girls, kinda
[TheRedQueen] Hey, you lurkers, any guuuuurlz out there?

Neo blinked at the screen. God, had he really thought he could stand getting back into this relating-to-others crap? He hadn't taken that step yet. Back at the bungy, someone was screaming bloody murder as an attendant shoved them off the platform while he watched from the back of the line. It would test every last nerve he had to keep going. Not to mention his patience. He might grow too irritated to continue before his courage could get the chance to chicken out again.


[TheRedQueen] It's not like you can know who's who. I might not be a girl, you know.
[CassityCleer] Yeah, I hate that. I liek fell in love with this guy, but it was just this chik.
[TheRedQueen] Makes you wonder who you can trust.
[Jai] I trust you guys.
[TheRedQueen] Why?
[Daz] He's stupid.
[CassityCleer] Daz u suck
[TheRedQueen] I think you shouldn't trust everything people say here.
[Jai] Well, I don't, really
[TheRedQueen] Because maybe I'm not a good girl, Jai.
[TheRedQueen] Maybe I'm a terrorist.

Neo laughed, the noise ringing in his empty apartment. The unwashed pots in the sink, the bare floors, and the clutter on his desk laughed back in a distorted parody of his voice. It sapped any amusement from his soul. For too long, he waited, shuddering and staring at the screen as TheRedQueen's last message took its effect upon the other chatters.


[Jai] That's not funny, TRQ.
[TheRedQueen] It's true. I've killed people. I'm not a nice person, Jai
[Daz] Jesus, Queen, you're a bitch. He's too stupid to know you're kidding
[CassityCleer] omg, how could you say that? That's sooo not funny, Queen
[TheRedQueen] I'm not joking.
[TheRedQueen] Open your eyes, boys and girls. It's not a nice world out there. Sometimes, there are things worth dying for. Worth killing for.


*moderator has banned TheRedQueen*

"Jesus," Neo whistled. People were taking it so seriously. In a bizarre way, he shared their sense of confusion and betrayal over TheRedQueen's sudden shift into uncomfortable honesty. Is she telling the truth? Who was he to have any idea? He wasn't a terrorist. Hacking wasn't terrorism. Criminal, maybe-he could live with criminal. But terrorism meant hurting people, and he didn't give enough of a damn about anyone to help or hurt them. You had to have a reason to want to kill people.

[Daz] woo-hoo, Queen's taken a walk off the deep end
[Jai] that wasn't funny. this is like a family, and she just flipped out
[CassityCleer] i don't get it, y would she do that?
[TheRedQueen] Because I believe in the truth.
[Daz] !!!
[Daz] You're back?
[TheRedQueen] I never left.
[Jai] Go away TRQ. You're being all weird. sort out whatever's bothering you...
[CassityCleer] Queen, i think u should apologize
[TheRedQueen] I don't answer to you. I'm interested in people capable of recognizing reality for what it is. Or isn't.

There was a strange rattling in his apartment. He wondered if it wasn't the air-conditioning before realizing it was him, nervously tapping a pen against his keyboard. The pen fell from his hand when he looked at it, and he fisted it to keep still, bracing it on the desk.

[TheRedQueen] You know what I mean. You're just afraid.
[Daz] You are soooo bounced, Queen.
[TheRedQueen] Look for those who know the truth. We do have history.
*moderator has banned TheRedQueen*

When he looked at his hand again, Neo saw his knuckles were white, as was, he imagined, most of his face as the blood rushed away. TheRedQueen. Wasn't a name he could recall from his previous forays into the closed circle of hacking. Someone new, someone keen to make him or herself well known. For what reason? Mundies didn't understand the reality of a hacker lifestyle. You stayed anonymous or you got nabbed. Advertising in public forums attracted attention in all the wrong ways. The mundies were not sympathetic to hackers, nor were they silent. All it took was one moronic purist to report you to an ISP's watchdog, and, on a fluke, a halfway decent code man would be dragged off to jail because he'd gotten cocky on AOL. Just like Al Capone, the lesser crime would be what got you nailed. However, unlike old Al, once they had reason to suspect you, they could seize your computer, get it all, and then you were really in trouble.

But...

He stared at the rapidly scrolling text as the other chatters posted furiously, trying to come to terms. They would walk away mad, or sign off mad, or whatever it was normal people did. TheRedQueen hadn't been talking to them, hadn't cared who she-he? it?-offended because the mundies weren't the target. A sickly feeling of destiny stirred in his stomach, and Neo didn't like it. In fact, he loathed that feeling, a sense something else was steering him. It was the dread he felt right before succumbing to temptation, before losing control and going on a serious binge.

But...

When he raised his hands to hover over the keys, they were shaking. His gut twisted once, sharply. TheRedQueen knew people like him were out there-You know what I mean. You're just afraid. It was a challenge. A grimace settled on his lips, and he clenched his teeth. He did not back down from challenges. If he backed down again, he'd be stuck in the endless lather-rinse-repeat cycle between the ignorant and the elite.

Neo took a deep breath and ran screaming for the edge of the platform. He imagined himself falling as he'd never done, looking up at his feet, at the safety and security of solid ground. Only once he was falling did he stop to wonder if he'd taken the time to tether himself to the place he was rapidly leaving behind.